Ladies, I don’t know how else to handle this situation. My stepdaughter’s birthday is this weekend, and we’ll be doing a birthday celebration. I have 2 stepdaughters - of which they tell us every year how they wish both of their parents can be included in their birthday celebrations rather than having two celebrations. It’s been five years since I’ve been with my fiancé. We have a blended family, two kids him, two kids mine, and together we have one child. My stepdaughter’s mother has been in a relationship also for five years and is now pregnant. So she’s obviously moved on and redid her life as so have we. I sent her an invitation earlier today about coming to her daughter’s birthday this weekend, and she just doesn’t want to be involved. She refuses to have a good co-parenting relationship with us. My stepdaughters are growing up with the image that their mother hates their father bc they’ve even said comments to us as if it’s a joke. My fiancé just brushes it off and only thinks of his girls, which is how it should be. I am completely about leaving egos and differences aside and putting what our children want/need first. I sent her a message this morning, hoping that she would have a change of heart, but it didn’t work. I just feel so bummed bc how a mother can be so hostile when it involves the happiness of their children? Here is the message I sent her: Hi A*** hope you’re doing well. This weekend we’ll be celebrating S*** birthday - she wants to do a Spa Birthday party so I’ll be coordinating everything this week so she can have a nice celebration with a few friends. I want to invite you and J**** to come to her birthday party. I know V**** mentioned before, and you’ve said no, but I’d still like to pass on an invitation to you since you are her mother. I know every year the girls always make a comment on how they wish they can have both of their parents at their celebration. If you can honestly find it in your heart and give her a surprise by coming, I am sure that is something she will remember forever. And this is what she wrote back: Appreciate it, but I am not sure in what another way I need to explain that it will remain as it is and has been. I also don’t need to find anything in my heart about this. Thanks. I didn’t even bother writing back bc it won’t end well, and I prefer to keep a little peace than having drama. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Respect her wishes that she doesn’t want to attend? I agree with the mother’s response.
You just answered your own question.
You don’t do anything. Her mind is made up.
Respect her wishes. Leave her alone lol she doesnt owe any of you anything and even if she does its up to her.
If that is the way it has always been then why keep pushing the issue? Her mind is made up and as long as she isnt starting drama then why does it matter?
Leave her alone 
the part where you mention you wanted to invite because she is the mother leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it sounds like you are doing so because you feel obligated and not because you want her there. I wont even start on the mini guilt trip.
Unfortunately, she’s not interested in putting her children first, even for a few hours on their birthday. You’ve done everything you can, just make it extra special for your step-daughter. I’m sure they’ll remember this.
Just be there for the kids
my idea is snd a flower invite. congratulate the mom for the health of the child and ask her to attend the celebration if she don’t feel threatened and
You just have to leave it how it is. Maybe she will come around later, maybe not. The important part is the kids know you tried. That’s all that matters. I’d just send her an invitation to their birthdays every year, just to remind her she’s invited and to remind your kids that you never gave up trying.
It sucks for them I’m sure, but if you get into a verbal fight with her or talk bad about her, they will lose respect for you. Love your babies. They may not understand now, but one day they might.
My ex and I have been separated for 6 years now. We do not have birthday parties together. We text back an forth over things. Are kids are important to both of us. As long as they can talk about everything else when it comes to the kids. Not sure a birthday party is a big deal.
feels shes an important part. or comfortable like to hav
person for her company
the effort can change the heart,
I think as long as the kids know that you tried, then that’s all that really matters. I would just leave her alone. At least they will know that you aren’t the one who isn’t willing to celebrate with her. You seem like a good person so it’s hard when you really want to work together, but we can’t change people. Just be at peace with yourself knowing you did all that you can! You sound like a good mom/stepmom!
You just gotta let it go. You tried that’s all you can do. She wants it the way it is then that’s just how it is. It’ll be ok. Your kids seem loved and well cared for and at the end of the day that’s all that matters. It can’t always be perfect but you did your best. Just have a nice celebration and don’t let this bother you. It’ll be ok.
You did the best you could…put it to rest & in God’s hand…Be present for her as you always have♡ God Bless☆
To all the people basically insinuating this woman asking for advice is stupid here is a question: DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE THE KIDS WANT A SINGLE PARTY FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY!!! After you have kids your ego, your wants, your feelings SHOULD all be set aside and kids first, ALWAYS!!! But it seems to me the mother is more worried about being bitter and impossible, and in turn making her child miserable! 
Kudos to you, OP for honestly giving an effort in making the children happy… One day they will see who really tried (you) and who couldn’t be bothered (bio mom)… 💁
Leave it as is. There is nothing wrong with having parties together and there is nothing wrong with having 2. Lucky girls get 2 parties 
I’d be slightly offended about the 'find it in your heart ’ comment. Makes it sound like she is in the wrong, she is not!
Maybe she would’ve preferred being included in the planning for her daughter’s party instead of just being invited the week of
There must be a reason untold that the mother doesn’t like the father and doesn’t want to be around him. There’s always 2 sides of a story…
Just drop it. She obviously isn’t interested. You did all you could. It’s on her now. Do not reach out again.
I feel like the message you sent her, although you didnt mean it this way, came off very condescending.
A lot of parents that co parent do not have joint parties.
Leave it be.
I’m sorry but I think you may have overstepped! I know if it was my daughter and I got a message like this id be fuming! Not saying I wouldn’t co.parent, I do but for the big events in my kids lives I organise them. Each to their own though!
Respect her wishes. Yes it sucks but she doesn’t want to be around yall for what ever reason. Do you know the reason? No telling what it is but I would drop it and leave it alone. Just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean that what happened with her and her ex doesn’t bother her still. Hopefully she still communicates the kid’s needs even if she isn’t able to be around yall all together. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her DD. Just means that for what ever happen she just can’t deal with it. My older 2 kids dad and I have a amazing relationship have birthday parties together Christmas. If things were different. My youngest not the same. Even if he wanted to come I couldn’t get over being around him. Even for my son. I would get nasty really quick and that isn’t what he needs to be around. So it’s best to keep it separate. My dad and mon took year’s and year’s basically when we were all grown to be around each other. They do ok now for short amount of time for there grandkids. So leave it alone. Send a invite if you want ever year but not all the extra stuff trying to make her feel bad and obligated to go
Just keep in mind shes a loser
Very poor.parent.not.to get.involved for her daughters sake.She thinks shes hurting you but doesnt realize its the child she is hurting.Let it.go.Yhe girls.can see it and will remember
Unfortunately it is what it is. You can’t force her to anything she doesn’t want to. Just do what you do for the kids. She’ll do her own thang.
Let it go. Peace apart is 1000x better than chaos together.
Maybe you should have tried planning a birthday celebration together- as opposed to you planning and inviting her?
Altho it seems like there is no interest in that so nothing you can do about it
You can’t help that she’s immature, you are doing the right thing. You are being the bigger person in all of this. Just make sure to tell the kids that you emailed her so they know that you are doing right by them, that’s all you need to say, they will figure the rest out on their own.
Leave it be, and move on. You’ve done your best and tried all you could. You can’t change her or how she feels or does things. If the girls asked, I would let them see that you reached out and their mother declined. Don’t do it out of spite or wrongfully. Just if it’s mentioned say, well I reached out over text and she’s not interested, sorry sweets! And then let them see if they please. Some moms just don’t care to co-parent or make things easy… they like being bitter and think they are hurting you, when in reality, it’s hurting the child. Props to you for trying!! I have been there, and that’s not easy! Especially when they respond in that way.
My mans BM is the same way… I tried to be nice and do everything in my power to have a good and healthy coparenting relationship for their sons benefit but she always makes everything an argument and about her and its always a scene so in the interest of not causing my step son any unnecessary anxiety I just said anywhere she will be I will not and it’s just what it is… you can only do what you can do and as long as you can say you put your best effort forward you just have to let the rest go!!
Me and my ex husbands wife have a great relationship! We co parent amazingly and talk often. But we still choose to do most everything separately. Even though we all get along that would just be awkward. I think the text message was way to pushy and desperate. Just leave her alone. Not coming to a party doesn’t mean she isn’t co parenting? I think she sounded nice enough about it. I personally wouldn’t wanna attend a party for MY children that someone else was coordinating. They’re mine and I will do it on my time. If their step mother wants to have one on her own time that’s fine
Maybe its her new SO not wanting to do anything with you all ?? 
At this point I’d let it go and let your fiancé deal with interactions with her.
As a mom in a co-parenting situation, she’s being childish and only hurting her daughters in the long run. Unfortunately you’ve done all you can.
It sounds like she wants to keep things separate from you and her daughters father. That isn’t a bad thing because it seemed from the email you sent her that there is a undertone that will cause issues even if she did show up.
Wow, the comments from people are really sad to read. I’m sorry hun, people try to come here for advice and always get crapped on
There are families that can do parties together and do all the stuff and be best friends and then there are ones who can’t. It’s not a bad thing either way. The girls get two parties and more love than anything. This doesn’t sound like a situation where she is using the kids against y’all she just doesn’t want to have that kind of relationship and that’s fine. You have done all you can and that’s all the girls and you can ask for. It’s life. She has her own feelings and they are valid also.
Mothers don’t have to include step mothers…I don’t buy into all this bs about the step parent being the parent to . Nope. Stay in your place.
You also dont rver want the kids to ever be in a position where they have to choose a side or feel caught in the middle… it’s just best to leave well enough alone!!
You did the best you could. There isn’t anything more you can do. Obviously we don’t know the background here. I’d like to think she has some good reason. Maybe not. Whatever it is you tried and that’s all huh can do.
Let her be petty all on her own. We do mixed parties when we can, and have had separate parties 2 or 3 times.
All you can do is make sure she is invited. After that is on her. Sometimes kids have to learn exactly how important they are to people. If she truly cared, she would bite her tongue and go for her kids. Apparently she is not mature enough to do this. It isn’t like the kids are telling her she needs to pay for a $10,000 birthday party! They just want ALL of their family there. I hate to see how a wedding will go for the kids! 
You did your part by trying, if she’s asked ever again let the girls dad ask, your step
Daughter will realize that you’ve tried and it’s not your fault her mom won’t come to her party, also has her daughter ever asked her to come?
Sorry but I would never have a party where my fiancé ex is invited. We also don’t have a good relationship and never will. She invited us to do a combined birthday party this year for their son and I said a big no thanks! Reason 1. Don’t like her, never will 2. So everyone can stare at us the whole time 3. We don’t need to be involved. You seemed nice about it but it’s not for everyone
You maybe should of asked if she would like to help or suggest she organize something that you both attend
You cant have a good co parent relationship with someone who doesn’t want one… just keep doing what you’re doing! The girls willnsee that you tried.
Leave it alone for now you tried, this is more for your husband to handle anyway. But next year if your stepdaughter still wants both parents there have her write out invites and handout personally so MOM has to be petty to her daughters face.
Just move on and do what you can for the girls. Some people don’t know how to be an adult.
It’s sad you’re being the adult that’s good, the kids will remember you trying. Unfortunately it makes them look bad, just my opinion though. I thought adults should at least try to get along.
Sucks doesnt it. I invite my sons father every birthday and he never come. I understand it awkward but atill its for the kids.
No advice i just feel you pain. Just always try thats all you can do xx
Can someone please explain what co-parent with your ex means
The most you can do is put the effort, you can’t force her. Yes, it’s sad the kid wants both parents to enjoy her birthday together, but it’s obvious the mom has no interest. You’ve already tried and she’s declined (more than once) not much you can do now, but make sure the girl has a great birthday anyway
Doesn’t seem like she has moved on to me. But leave it alone. Keep her visitation the way it is hopefully it is on paper through the court so she can’t change it later when she decides to change her mind.
My question is why didn’t you contact the child’s mother and ask her to help coordinate her child’s birthday party?! Involve her, she’s the mother. All of you talking about she’s being petty and all that. I disagree. The message was sent to make her feel guilty. That already sends a bad undertone to the entire situation. The mother is being an adult and avoiding a situation so her children don’t have to be around that. Ever think that taking it upon herself to coordinate a birthday party without her made her feel as if you’re stepping on her toes. I would never and refuse to put myself in a situation to be felt less than in my child’s presents. It’s the adult thing to do.
Yeah, the “if you can find it in your heart” bit was a bit over the top and, honestly, sounds a tad hostile. Maybe she’s not the problem.
I’m going to be honest with you. It’s his responsibility not yours to do this. It’s his and her child. Let them do the coparenting.
You can’t fix ignorance.
If she doesn’t want to come, that’s her choice. I think you should respect that and enjoy the party without her. Personally it I were her and said I didn’t want to go, I’d think you’re crossing a line sending the letter and saying some of the things you did. Is there more to this story? I don’t think it’s your place telling her what to do and then trying to make her feel guilty because you can’t control her.
I say just let it go you tried and thats what counts maybe she has some good reasons not to go try to look at it from all angles
Ain’t nothing you can do. Just keep doing you
Just move on. You tried
That’s sad 
she may have plans. Inviting her last minute is kinda a smack in the face to her possibly
Just leave it alone. You tried. It’s a shame that she can’t act like an adult for her child.
Just let your step daughter know Mom was invited and leave it at that. Continue on as you have. Sounds like she does NOT want to be around her EX!!
Maybe tell her shes needed. Ask her advice.
Ur planning the whole thing. Makes her look bad…maybe she is being selfish and wants to help in the making and get recognized
I grew up with always having 2 parties. At my high school graduation I even wished to only have 1 grad party. It didn’t happen. Finally when my son turned 1 I had a big birthday party and invited both sides of my family and they all came and my mom and dad even had a conversation. Its sad that I had to wait until I was 21 years old to have my parents even in the same area as eachother, but its something I’ll remember forever.
Some times the other parent just wont give in and at the end of the day it only hurts the child. Just keep inviting them every year and once they decide to grow up and do what is right for their children they’ll regret being so petty in the past. You sound like you’re doing the right thing though, keep it up 
Make sure to send an invite every year when you invite everyone else. If she doesn’t come, that’s on her. Send the invite and leave the rest alone. One day the child will be old enough to see for herself the true colors of all involved.
Completely understand from both moms’ points of view. If Bio mom isn’t comfortable in a blended gathering with the ex and ex-in-laws, I get it. “Moving on” doesn’t necessarily mean all the hurt or frustration has been resolved since that sometimes takes years, or never happens. I also see where step mom is coming from. Co-parenting is clearly best for the kids, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. We can’t always control our feelings, even for the sake of the kids, and if they’re just going to feel their mom’s tension behind a pretend smile, there’s really no good in that. Kids are smart. They catch on. Leave it be and have fun even in her absence.
How old are his 2? From someone who tried co parenting, and the other side,threw his relationship into the face, this mama put her foot down with the disrespect. Of course our daughter is 3.5 it’s a bit,different age wise… However, the only interaction we have is the,exchanges, physical therapy, and medical appointments. Otherwise he’s learned to stay away from me, stay out of my life. I’m currently pregnant with my 2nd child with someone who’s been a best friend for 18 years, my ex has started regretting what he’s done to damage any form of friendship/mutualship between he and I. I’m civil, but I keep everything short with him… Kids don’t understand things the way we do. However, you may or may not have all of the info as to why things are sour, and if you know details, you may not have the full extend of situation(s). My daughter sometimes will say her and I are going to her dads house, or the 3 of us are going to do something, or that her dad will be around her brother, I tell her mom and dad aren’t friends.,but insure that we both love her very much.
My kids dad and I do separate parties. We co parent well but its just how we do. He does show up to the friend birthday because we have a lot of the same parent friends but not the family stuff. And we co parent very well.
If she doesnt want to she doesnt want to. Just because thats what the kids want doesn’t mean thats what they get.
Sometimes a healthy coparenting arrangement is better with them keeping their lives separate.
Why do people have to be so hurtful to others and the kids are the ones that are in the middle of the cruel world soon enough.
Honestly we don’t know why the parents aren’t together, I think it’s hard to give good advice without that information. And even as a step mum, you might not know the full story. This woman may feel unbelievably uncomfortable being around her ex, that doesn’t always mean she’s being immature or not putting the kids first or isn’t over him, sometimes it’s for the best. Maybe ask her if there is someway you could do a joint party together and ask her what she would need in place to feel comfortable… and refrain from passive-aggressive comments and unnecessary digs. Make sure you sincerely want her involved and not just make yourself look better because you “tried”.
This isn’t your place. She didn’t have kids with you, she had kids with your boyfriend. If he has an issue, he should address it. Also, your message was passive aggressive as hell… my response back to you wouldn’t have been so polite.
Leave her alone it’s not your place they aren’t your kids
I have a blended family and I feel your pain. I don’t think you crossed any lines. You opened up to her and extended an invite. If she declines then so be it, but you tried and as the girls get older they will see that you tried and appreciate that about you. 
In the end all you can do is try. Reach out and if she doesn’t want to do it thats on her.
Listen dont make excuses for her not wanting to attend you offered she declined. Tell your step daughter that she was invited and let it go.
She was invited and declined. You did all you could do. I would leave it at that and move on.
I know how u feel been there maybe if u took her out for dinner and talk to her, thats what i did, it work well for me, so she usually came to her kids birthday but that was all. Besides that thier nothing else u can do, the kids will have to except how things are and you tryed i guess i wouldnt say any more, are they with u all the time.
Yep she is the one missing out. My parents divorce when I was little and so did my husband’s parents. We both got to have all our parents at our wedding and when we had our daughter most of them came to her birthdays. It was always great for both of us to have them here.
Fuck the bitch and live your life
Ask her why she hates her ex and you more than she loves her kids? Ask her for an explanation. She made 2 kids with him and they didn’t ask to be here. Time to start adulting and teaching them how to behave with class.
Ask her what she plans to do for events that they have to both be a part of? graduations, weddings, grand kids births and birthday parties?
Just let her be and do your own thing for the kids … sometimes it’s better to let old dogs be … all the kids need to know is that you asked if she shows she shows if not that’s on her and if you have asked before I wouldn’t ask again maybe next time just put the invite in the mail and not text
It stinks but it sounds like their is really nothing you can do. You cant force her to come. I’m a step mother of 4, it wasn’t a good break up. My fiance’s ex hate us for years. (She had all right too) but just this past year (almost 9 years later) me and her actually started talking and going on play dates with the kids to doing stuff together with out the kids. Stuff like this is just going to take time. Depending on how your fiance and her ended things. The kids feelings are important but so are their mothers. It’s not like shes not celebrating their birthdays she just rather do her own thing. I suggest to just give it time. She may come around but if not that’s 100% her decision not yours I’m afraid.
Step mom you offered and the bio mom has declined more than once just respect that she doesn’t want to do the whole blended family thing it doesn’t mean shes not co parenting I’m sure there is a reason and she is allowed to feel how she wants. You were kind to invite her but after the first decline you should have dropped it. Honestly she probably doesn’t want to be friends with her ex or you but just keep it distant and civil which might be for the best I advise to stop pushing and stop calling it not co parenting that’s not your call to say it’s the girls father to say.
Wow… What a wonderful person you are!!! We don’t find people like you anymore. CHILDREN FIRST. !!! May God Bless you.
Stay in your lane sis…
Ehh you message was a little snarky - just leave it along you can’t force her to be a decent person
Hard to give any judgement when we don’t know the full/both sides of the story.
That’s your MANS kids. . HE should be extending the invite to HIS baby mama… not you!! Error #1 … but there’s plenty. Fall back it isn’t your business and how you’re approaching it is rude af.
A lot of you are insane. This woman is going to be in the kids lives. I know I’m extremely grateful my daughter has a step mother that loves and treats her as her own. I rarely talk with her father, but instead her step mom. We’re really great friends, actually.
You don’t have to be friends, but you do need to have a good relationship with all parties for the kids sake. It’s not about the adults, it’s about the kids. Some of these comments are atrocious.
OP: Your fiance and bio mom need to work whatever problems they have out… You’ve done all you could. Just love those babies, and move on from the incident.
I know exactly how you feel. I myself have 2 stepdaughters and we have 2 of our own. Their mother has been married for 8 yrs and also has 2 other kids. I’ve tried reaching out to her for 4 yrs now and it has gotten me nowhere. Sadly the girls are 13 and 11 and have mentioned having both parents at all events as well but she refuses. 2 weeks ago I did what I always do picked the girls up said “thank you, have a good weekend.” 3 hours later I get a 3 page long text about how upset she is that they even have to go with us (mind you we have them 4 days out of the month) as if she is sending them off to be mistreated or something. I messaged her back telling her that she is more than welcome to contact her daughters anytime she would like as she has both of our phone numbers and I hope one day we could have a good relationship for the sake of the girls… to no avail she decided to tell me this would never happen unless we learn to parent exactly how she does (obviously not going to happen) we dont let them run wild but we do allow them to have snacks and milk and juice and bread we also allow them to go to waterparks with us or go camping or fishing all of which are against the rules at her house. She refuses to speak to them if they dont refer to their father by his name, they cant speak of their brother and sister over here at her house, amongst tons of other things some even court ordered. She also mentioned how heartbreaking it is to watch her ex husband’s new wife pick up her daughters but fails to respond when I mentioned how hard it is for their father to watch another man raise his daughters. And oddly enough her husband and my husband speak on good terms…
Sadly she doesnt even realize that her daughters dont want to go home to her anymore and would rather be with us. Ome day she is going to regret what she has done and how she has behaved because her daughters are happy to the extent if being in both homes but not happy in the fact that she wont work with us.
Too all the mothers on her saying stay in your lane and your crossing lines…
Your either selfish or havent been in the situation on either side…
I know if it were my child being in a situation as such their wants and needs would always come 1st and certainly foremost. I would much rather my kids be in 2 happy homes than being unhappy in mine because of me being selfish towards another woman. Yes they are my kids. But I’d rather my kids be treated great by another woman than to be mistreated or ignored by some other woman. I’d rather my kids be able to talk to the other woman helping raise them than not talk at all.
I’d rather my kids be open minded individuals than stuck up selfish women.
This is an issue in the world and our kids suffer because we cant grow up and get over the fact that our ex’s have moved on and we should too so we have become these jealous selfish women raising kids that need us to be grown up and mature.
Yikes at all you bitter baby mom’s. Can’t relate AT ALL to being so mean and spiteful. How embarrassing lol
Either she will co parent or she won’t. Can not force it .
You tried to invite her cause you know that’s what her child wants is for her mom and dad to be there together for one party. She said no, just leave it at that. Let the daughter know mom was invited and if she has time she will come. This way the daughter doesnt get upset at you thinking you didnt try to invite her and her mom can think of something to tell her why she didnt go besides “I didnt want to”
It’s not about the mother or the father or the step mother. It’s about the child. Some people need to grow up and get over themselves and do shit they dont “want” to do because it’s what the child wants.
It’s hard for any of us to comment, we’re not in your shoes…we don’t know the history here 
#1. Respect that she said no.
#2. This should come from the girls’ father, not you unless you have a friendly relationship, which you obviously don’t.
#3. Do not message her anymore at all. You’ve extended an Olive branch and she’s not ready and might never be ready.
#4. She can still be a great mom and not involve either of you 