I need some advice, sorry it’s a little long. First some back story, my stepdaughter has lived with her father and me for almost ten years since she was taken from her mother at three and placed with us, we have her most of the time except every other weekend and some extra time during holidays, and we fully provide financially for her with little to no help from her mother. We have a child together, and I have for the last ten years cared for her as if she were my own, doing all the things mothers do for their kids. So to me, I’m more than just a “stepmom” to her and feel as though I should have some say when it comes to her. Anyway, recently, she has expressed interest in coloring her Hair; she told us she wants to put some Pink color just in the front, and we said that would be awesome. I have some experience with Hair, and I have been doing my own and my family’s Hair for years, so I offered to do it, as long as it was ok with(In an effort to co-parent which has never been easy) her mom. It was also something we could have done together and something I was happy to do for her. So the next time her mom called before my husband had the chance to talk to her about it, she was all excited, telling her mom that she wants her Hair done and that I can do it for her and asking if it’s ok. You could tell the conversation wasn’t going well, and she was basically defending me to her mom, so I just left the room for them to talk, so I don’t know exactly what was said. She comes out, and now she is upset and that her mom said she wants it done by a hairdresser and I’m not a hairdresser, and she should have gone to her first, etc…which I feel she should have spoken to my husband about her concerns, not my stepdaughter. My husband spoke to her mom, and after a big whole drama fest, her mom said I could do it. I told my husband I am not doing it now that I don’t feel comfortable and I don’t need the drama if she doesn’t like it, or it’s not perfect, So her mom can take her to a salon. Now my stepdaughter has been asking me when I’m going to do her Hair, and I told her she would go to a salon, and we will talk to her mom about it, she then asked her mom to take her, and her mom said she has no money for that. Now I’m getting the attitude because of it. I told my husband to talk to her mother, and if she pays for half, I will take her, and she still says she doesn’t have the money for it. I don’t understand why she would even suggest a hairstylist if she wasn’t willing to take her; it’s also not surprising because anytime she asks her mom for anything, she doesn’t have the money or never follows through. But now I’m getting the attitude for it. I’m wondering if I should just take her? Am I in the wrong? I feel bad now because she has to go without something she really wanted. My husband says I should just do it, but I don’t feel right about that. I feel like because her mom made it an issue her mom should be the one to take her? What should I do??
So because her mom was behaving badly you break your word to a girl you consider your daughter? I get the discomfort, but try putting the child first.
Honestly i would just do it. If you mess up, oops. They have color remover for hair. Watch some tutorials.
Do her hair!!! Please!! 
Just dye the kids hair. The daughter wants it. The original plan was to have you do it and mom getting an attitude is no reason to disappoint the daughter
Just do it her mom can go sit on a can.
just color her hair your self and let her mother stew
Just do it. Go get the stuff and surprise your daughter with it, to make up for the drama.
Okay wait, so you got permission to do and now out of spite to “not cause drama” you cause drama ?? You got your way and you’re still upset !? It’s sounds absolutely ridiculous that you’re now not going to the “spending time together” even after everything you both wanted was agreed upon! Just dye the kids hair !
I think you should just do it. She lives with you guys and of course the mother should have a say in things but your guys are her main caregivers so you should be able to make decisions. The mother is just being difficult.
If y’all been taking care of her for 10 yrs do what you want with the child you don’t have to birth a child for them to be yours
Wow her mom sounds like my bio mom and I cut her off ten years ago some people have children but are not parents just donors.
You guys sound like her parents .
If her mom isn’t willing to help pay then she shouldn’t have a say in who does it just do it for your daughter she is the one you have to live with not the mom
Shes giving attitude because you said you would do this for her and then because her mother acted childish you sunk to her level and broke her heart.
Even as a step if the mother is in the picture thats the mothers choice as far as permanent hairdyes go. Now a fun ,silly , wash out while still with you hair dye is different. But some take hair care personal
You can do non permanent hair chalk. It’s available on Amazon and comes in a bunch of colors
I would do her hair like you said you would. Her mother will be fine an deal with it. I am sure it will look great!!
Just do her hair! You’ve been her ‘mom’ for 10 years…this is a bond for the two of you
Just do it stop causing pointless drama
Do the girls hair. Why should she suffer because her mom is a douche bag? You already know how her mom is before this.
You are raising her.
I say do it 
this is your time to bond
Just do it yourself like the original plan.
Ok. I stopped reading after your daughter has been living with you for the past 10 years. Dye her hair.
Bio Mom doesn’t get a say because you’re raising her. Bio Mom lost any say when she stopped caring 10 years ago.
Do that babies hair like you told her you would. She already has her mother not following through with what she said she would. I understand not wanting the drama and asking her bio mom first. But she made the suggestion and isn’t going to pay for so there should be no issue when you do it.
This is ridiculous. She said you can do it. I’m not seeing the problem.
Ur being petty and its not the child’s fault her mother acted that way u said u would do it so do it and grow up thats just redicoulus thst u would play this game with a child like that smh
Just do it? You wanted to originally. 
Just do it, problem solved.
I didn’t even have to read the rest to know when it comes to being a stepmom, you gotta learn to pick your battles. If that’s how her mom is sadly that’s how it is. At some point she’ll be 18 and it won’t matter anymore.
You are more like her mom, I understand you trying to respect her bio mother but she really doesn’t have a say in my opinion. It’s almost like she is upset because it’s you that would be doing it not the fact it’s being done. Your daughter really has her heart set on it so do it for her. It’s hair. Explain to your daughter how this made you feel but you love her and will do it. I wish you so much luck with this one.
Just do it she’s not going to go take her your not the bad guy at all in any of this and you don’t need her approval to know your being a great step mom 
Do. Her. Hair. 
mom hasn’t been around in 10 years. Yeah see ya later bye 
… it’s hair, it grows everyday! Enjoy these memories
I adopted my wife’s old son he was my first born and I never let one of his other siblings call him step or half or anything like that they’re all brothers and sisters I was his dad I took over the responsibilities especially the way he was conceived it wasn’t by willing sex if you step in as a step parent then your full-time parent this sounds like you were more of a parent than the biological mother you do what you think is right for that child one with her daddy and don’t think twice about it Jimbo
Is this a hill you’re willing to die on? Color her hair and move on. 
From my experience as a stepmom I would say aslong as you put the childs best interests first, you cant go wrong! You are raising her and you are just as entitled to a say as her bio parents are. Do right by your child and everything will be okay 
I deal with the same crap from bfs kids mom. She took off multiple times and thinks just cause she decides to come around for a bit that she gets to call the shots. Well my bf and I hve been together for 4 years now and the first we were together we got custody of the 2 boys. The mother was not and still isn’t stable at all. She hates my guts cause when the boys do go with her for a night sometimes all they do is talk about me and dad. Well sorry not sorry u aren’t around that’s ur choice. So anyways if it were me and one of my boys asked me to do something I would do it regardless of what she has to say about it. They live with dad, dad always okays it lol. So I think you would be fine in doing it. Dad is okay with it and frankly that’s all that would matter. She lives with dad. Dads say goes. Unless it’s something big and has legal action…like in parenting rights and what not…other than that…I’d say go for it!!! Make that girl happy!! She’s been let down enough by her biological mother don’t let her do it again!!
You’re making it more dramatic than it has to be and adding to what bio mom has already caused. Just do it yourself! Who cares what she thinks anyway. She lost that right when she lost her child.
If dad has custody, you don’t have to have mom’s permission to cut/color her hair. That’s the dad’s call.
You should have talked to mom from the beginning. Now mom got upset because you didn’t say something to her about it first you want to act like a child. Do it or don’t 
Do it yourself since SHE wanted it done at a salon and SHE doesn’t have the money to take her
You do it and the 2 of you enjoy it. Her mother is a lover!!
Ya I say you need to do it because now your daughter is suffering from the pettiness between you two. You know bio mom isn’t going to pay for it, she was just trying to be difficult because she’s jealous and resentful of you. The child shouldn’t miss out on cool hair because of that.
Regardless of who or how her mom was in the past and why you guys have primary custody, if she’s involved and in the picture now you should step back imo, bo offense meant. Again imo, mom should have been consulted. And personally I’d have some real concerns of someone using dye on my daughter, because usually pink involves bleach, and I would also want a professional stylist. I’d just pay for it.
Why would you ever have brought it up to the birth donor anyways? She lost her rights.
You made that child excited and happy about getting her hair done, you either take her in to get it done or do it, darn it! Dont you dare make her suffer because the other ‘adult’ is an idiot.
YOURE her mother, so do what you were going to do.
Just do her hair. Fk what her mom says. You & dad have been primary caregivers and dad was ok with it.
Just quit the power struggle and do her hair
Do her hair yourself
Just do it her bio mom has no say. I know exactly what ur going threw.
Just take the poor kid. The end.
Do her hair like you planned. You are raising that child you have every right to parent her. Your not just the step mom.
Just do it ehy why should the child be upset. Your issue us with bio mom not child don’t take it out on her
You are the stepmom not the mom. The mom wants it done by a professional, then it should be done by a professional. Sounds more.like you just wanna be upset and complain
My son (I don’t consider him my step, he’s been mine since he was 1.5) has not seen his biological mother since he was 2, he’s now 17. I’m his mom in every way and he’ll tell you I am his mom. His biological and I have never gotten along and she’s talked crap about me not being his mom. All I can say is go with your original intent to do her hair and her mom can kick rocks.
Just do it. If her mom has a damn thing to say y’all come back with "and you were asked to take her, we weren’t paying for something we wanted to do in home in the first place. Stfu" Maybe not the stfu lol but you get the idea:joy: She’s just being difficult and I’d be damned I’d raise her kid full time and also let her mess with shit in my home as well:face_with_raised_eyebrow: Nope!
Take her to get it done, or do it yourself.
You do her hair and make it a fun time.
Awe … you have been her mom all these years … you do her hair like you planned … I would not allow mom to interfere with that… since she doesn’t follow through on anything …I understand that’s her mom but dont let that girl time get ruined by it …
If you are not a hair dresser, please do not do her hair yourself. 
So many things can go wrong. This has nothing to do with how her mom feels, I used to be a stylist, and you would not believe the color corrections we have to do. Not to mention, having a correction done will cost twice as much as taking her to have it done.
Your getting an attitude because you are falling into the moms trap and your stepdaughter is paying the price. She asked you, you and her dad said yes, she wants you to do it. Mom has baled and is not going to help make this happen ir make it easier for you to make it happen. All you can do is do what you Sai you would do and colour her hair for her.
Dye her hair. If mom wants to pay a salon they by all means let her but if she isn’t. The kitchen it is. Some pink in the front isn’t hard. Watch a few YouTube videos with the product you buy and style the girl 
For starters, happy Mothers Day! I understand your concerns very much on a personal level and I am terribly sorry y’all are going through it. If I may, I believe YOU should do her hair and make it special for your “step” daughter. I understand wanting to hold the biological mother accountable for her drama. However, the child is the one suffering from these decisions. She needs that bonding with you. Chin up Momma, you are making such a difference for that little girl. <3
Just do it. If you have her in your care most of the time then unfortunately she can’t really have a opinion! Mummy is jealous that her daughter has gone to you instead of her. She was taken from her care and put into her fathers amd your care that right their speaks for itself! You have been raising a child without the input of the mother who obviously isn’t capable of having her in her care. Your rules in your house should not have anything to do with the mother nor should you have to ask her for permission as far as I’m concerned she gave her rights up the min they took the child off her. You said you would do your daughters hair so do it for her regardless of what she has to say. If she hasn’t got the $$ to help pay for it then she won’t have the $ to fix it
Do it how you wanted in the first place and if the mother complains tell you then she should have taken her to the salon .
Just do it yourself. If bio mom doesn’t like it, Oh well. She should’ve offered to take her to the salon herself if she felt that strongly about how it needs to happen.
Do it, or take to a hairdresser! Please ur kid!! Forget about the biological mother! Is your kid now!
Just do it yourself and tell the mom you took her to the salon
You justDo her hair she’ll love you for it get a wash out if her mum’s so concerned
It really doesn’t matter who the main caregiver is - the child should be allowed autonomy over her own hair at this age. I’d explain that the decision has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the wishes of the daughter you all care for. She should be allowed to choose her own haircuts and colour at this age. It’s only hair, but it’s freedom of expression to the child.
Take her to a proper stylist and make a day of it. If her mother would like to come; invite her. Then she can see her daughter making her own decisions and taking a little step towards growing up.
Take it or do it yourself. Sounds like she’s just trying to cause drama. 
Do the baby girls hair yourself and be done with it. The mom is going to be pissey no matter what at this point. Baby girl wants you to do it. So do it
Imo you are her mom. Just do it, yourself like you and your daughter planned. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t do it, it sounds like the toxic mother won’t be agreeable either way. I think your husband defiantly has all the way here…
I’ll tell you what I would do. Since mom made a big stink about it and wants it done by a hairdresser, I would take her to a hairdresser this time and since mom “doesn’t have money for it” pay for it yourself THIS TIME. Like you mentioned, then she can’t blame you if she doesn’t like it, etc. After the first time, I’d do it myself… It’s a compromise on both sides and I think it’s fair. That way she gets her hair done and hopefully mom doesn’t cause another stink. Happy Mother’s Day!!!
I say you do it and her mom doesn’t have to like it. You can use arctic fox hair dye so it isn’t permanent and won’t mess her hair up. You can experience with different colors as well.
First off while I applaud you for being their for the child I also disapprove. Honestly, she isn’t your kid. If she is living with you and her father then the father is the only one who should have say no matter how long you’ve helped with her. It’s still between the mom and dad of the child… you are just a step and that’s it. I think it was petty of the real mom for saying what she said but I think you getting mad and saying you should have more say over that child then she does is bull shit. It’s not your child. And if mom is involved she will never be your child to do as you see fit. These complaints are reasons why bio parents literally hate the (step) parents.
I didn’t even finish reading this. My step kids moved in with me and their father August 2010. Their mom goes from seeing them and every other week, to once a month, so months in between, back to every other weekend. It was her decision they move in and her decision when she sees them. After so many years, if they ask me if they can do something, I say if it’s ok with your dad sure. Beyond that I feel it doesn’t matter.
I get why you’re upset cuz you’re trying your hardest to co parent with the mother just so there is no problems, but as you stated you have raised her almost her whole life financially, emotionally, and mentally. How can a mother tell her the only way it gets done is by a salon without having the intentions to take her there. So just do it! If the daughter likes it that’s all that matters. If the mother has anything to say negatively she’s being bitter. Answer with the my stepdaughter likes it so your thoughts don’t matter 
Honey, do it. You’ve been her mom this long, just go for it. I’m a mom and share custody of my older 2, they’re with me and my hubs 95% of the time. I won’t be going to bio dad for input on their hair. If kids, me, and my hubs agree, then that’s it.
Do your daughters hair. You have stepped up and took care of this child for the last 10 years. You are also mama❤ If bio mom wants it done at a salon, then she can take her and have it done at the salon. Sounds to me like your daughter wants you to do it.
The girl obviously has crap for a mother, for the step daughter be the bigger person and take her it can be a bonding moment for you both. When she is grown up she will know who was there and who was not.
I agree with your husband. Don’t punish your step daughter because her mom is jealous of you. Just color her hair and spend that quality time you wanted to spend together.
Just do it, I have a stepdaughter and had her since newborn until three and her mom took her, and was brought to me by the sheriff department/ the courts and I wasn’t asked very time she was sick,dentist, school, clothes, shoes and everything else SO why ask the mother anything!!! Just cause she pushed her out doesn’t make her MOM… after all those years she is mine to do as I please!!!
In my opinion, you are her mom, and you told your daughter you would do it. So I would just do it like you had originally planned. I would worry about your daughter’s feelings over her bio mom’s feelings. Also, you are amazing and she is very lucky to have you! <3
You all are hearing one side of a story and siding with the stepmother because of something that happened 7 years ago. The biological mother still has rights and has visitation rights so she is in her daughters life and has every right to have an opinion.
If you are ok with it and your husband is ok with it then just do it yourself . Bio mom shouldn’t have a day in it
Sounds like a real pain. Do what it takes to make your daughter happy
A lot of women think because they got pregnant and pushed makes them a mom, No raise them and love them makes U a mom…
Don’t disappoint the child because of her mother’s actions… take the child or do it yourself … only permission you need is from her dad … she lives with you guys mom can get over it
If the dad says do it, do it. You and him are the primary care takers, his rules over ride. You tried doing the right thing, so of she can’t afford the salon go with the original plan.
At this point, i would just take her. You don’t want to bear the brunt of mom if her hair is somehow damaged the first time. After that, she doesn’t see mom often. Maybe try a temporary color next time that will wash out before her next visit.
So in the end even after an argument, you all agreed that you could do it. But now you are just being petty by refusing to. And in reality, you never needed mom’s permission anyway.
I wouldnt do it! Its not worth the drama that will come with it. She is just your stepdaughter so don’t over step when her MOTHER has already expressed to you how she feels about HER daughter dying her hair.
I’ve gone through this same situation, difference is my mom would do it and she is a hairdresser. Some times I swear they just want to be difficult and cause a fit just to be heard than when it comes down to it, it doesn’t get done. My step daughter ended up being the one to say “f it” bc she didn’t want her mom to complain every time. it’s just to the point where I’m doing my own thing and tell her to ask and I’ll reconsider if she has a real concern or complaint, but hair has always been our biggest (so petty) hurdle. Meanwhile she supplied product and allowed my step daughter (14) to bleach and dye my 11yr olds hair hot pink without any thought of asking me🤷♀️ some days being the responsible co parent shits on us
You should just do it as planned.
If I’ve raised someone else’s kid for 10yrs I’d be teling her go get fcked
what a cheek to even have an opinion…
piss off 
Don’t let your daughter be unhappy simply because her biological mom is a jerk and won’t step up to do things for her as you would. Sure she made a big deal about it, but that’s because she can and that’s all she can do because clearly she wasn’t going to follow through with her thoughts on it. It was originally an idea your daughter discussed with you and she wanted you to do it. I say do it! Or if you’re that concerned then take her to the salon. Either way, make your girl a happy pink haired beauty!!! What her bio mom says after the fact is nothing more than her hating herself for not doing it and missing another bonding moment she could have had but chose not to because “money”.
If all this is accurate then your husband needs to tell mom that it’s no big deal and he approved it. She sounds like a dead beat anyways so she may be a mother but she’s not mom.
Just tell mom it got done at salon
Dont punish the daughter because her bio mom is a jerk. If you wanted to do her hair then do it and do it your way. You’re her mom too and your daughter asked you for this so you’ve got this mama! Be confident in yourself and your mothering! If her bio mom doesnt like it say “Its just hair it grows out.”
Just dye her hair who cares what the mother says if her father says it’s fine then do it. Don’t crush the girl’s excitement
As long as dad’s ok with it I’d go ahead do it…its not fair to your daughter I think mom is just trying to cause problems between u an the daughter I think she’s a lil jealous…
The mother ended up saying ‘do it’ so just do it. Be confident in your role in her life…You should have a say & it seems to me that youve been taking on the role for years, dont be made to feel less than when youre taking on more than her bio mom is. Dont punish the child for the drama