I’m a new step Mom to a 13-year-old boy. He spends most of his time at his mother’s house. When he is here on the days, his Dad has him, he is terrible! He can’t be left in a room alone, or he is tossing my cat into the air, going thru all of our belongings, fighting with my younger children, or just being foul-mouthed and loud. He is always running around the house and roughhousing. He is nasty every time he speaks to one of my daughters. He acts as I owe him the world, constantly making demands or complaining about something I’ve done. I have spoken to him on many occasions about making better choices. He knows the rules of my house what he can and can’t get into. I have overly shown him love and compassion for what he is going thru with his parents. He isn’t like this at his mother’s. She is very strict on him, and he respects her, which is awesome. I’m just trying to find a way to work through this without hurting him further and building a relationship. Everyone is saying to take time, be patient; he will come around. But my house is getting torn apart; my children get upset when he is coming over. My cat runs and hides. I literally shut myself in my bedroom and let his father handle him because I just can’t. All he wants to do is sit in a video game, and I don’t allow hand-held screen time at my house. So he terrorizes. I gave in once, allowed him to bring his game boy, and he ended up pushing my 4-year-old daughter against the wall because she asked if she could have a turn. I’m at a loss as to what to do. At this point, my only answer is to tell my boyfriend to move out. My house is supposed to be my children’s and my safe zone from this world. I don’t know how else to keep it that way.
You have rules. If he can’t behave and his father doesn’t make him, then he cannot come
I’m confused. Are you married to the Dad or not?
Wait… is he your husband or boyfriend? And sometimes you have to allow things to be the same in both homes. It’s already hard enough to go back and forth between parents houses. Why can’t he play his video games? What are his other options to keep himself entertained. He should probably go talk to someone as well since he’s clearly having trouble with the adjustment.
You answered your own question…if his father isnt going to get a handle on him…you dont stand a chance.
It’s a big change going from mums house to dad’s and your house where you parent differently and have different rules. It’s a lot for their mind to comprehend. My step son (4) does the same thing, sometimes when he stays here he is an angel and other times he can be a little terror because he is actually overwhelmed bouncing from house to house and the changes that come with it.
You and your husband need to sit down and explain to him you’re struggling with your stepsons behaviour and you need him to step up a bit more to help and you both need to back each other up with discipline etc the more you and dad communicate the easier it will get.
Then his father should get a place of his own if you guys are not married yet or teach him some manners when his there because it sounds like he could even harm ur children and u right thats ur kids safe haven they shouldn’t be terrorized in their safe place talk to ur man and let him fix that mess and let thr boys mother talk to him aswell
I think you pretty much said it all “MY” house
You should have your spouse talk to his son. Coming from experience, it most likely has very little to do with you and more to do with the relationship with his father. It sounds as though he’s testing boundaries, of course, but there surely must be an underlying cause for the extremity of his behavior.
You can’t do anything but let the father check him. If he can’t…leave that weak man
Geez… For one, it sounds like the kid needs counseling. Abusing cats and children is not even close to okay or normal. He definitely has bad judgment skills and I’m concerned about the lack of empathy.
Second, I’d reinforce the rules waaaay harder. Hes testing his limits to see how much control he has.
Dad needs to step it up and deal with that shit or take him somewhere to hang out away from the house. And I know dad probably doesnt want to be strict when he doesn’t get to see him that often, but its either be a little strict now to get the kids respect and attention or lose that opportunity and watch things get waaaay out of hand.
His dad should be dealing with him not u Especially if its only early days
It needs to be his home also. Not just yours. It is so tuff on kids to be in that situation!! Adults don’t get it. Is his mom remarried? His dad should be handling this
If his father and mother aren’t taking control of this it’s time to set ultimatums to your boyfriend. Your kids do come first. His mother should know about this behavior and have it corrected. I’d be embarrassed to know my child was acting a hot mess in someone else’s home
Sounds like he needs his ass whooped 
His dad needs to step up and tell him to have some respect for you. He dosent have to lie you but he needs to respect and not be a bully to your little ones
“I shut myself in the bedroom and let his dad handle him”
“My house is supposed to be my children’s safe zone”
Gag your going to be one of THOSE step parents 
let me guess your children are perfect correct?
I might be the odd one out here but eh that’s nothing new for me, but you sound like a brat 
you’ve said it all YOUR cat, YOUR kids, HIS kid, YOUR cat
Take a look at it from this boys point of view, HIS dad sees him on weekends (I’m assuming) and hes there with YOUR kids all the time, how do you think that makes a kid feel? He goes back and forth and rules are different for each household then he goes to YOUR house and feels like what I’m assuming an outcast or like hes rotten and not loved (again yes assuming by how YOU wrote the post)
Welp the majority of us can see where this is going…
Ewww… that is EVERYONES house, not just yours and your kids. His dad needs to leave you because you will never accept his child.
Have you talk to his father about this, his son’s behavior?, sounds like the 13yr old could be danger to your daughters.
Sounds like this kid has anger issues maybe family counseling is needed
Talk to the father and mother of the child maybe he’s like that bc the mom isn’t okay with you and making things hard or maybe he’s just a teen feeling jealous of shared time or just a teen
Tear his ass up he is having his way better yet talk to his dad tell him if he dosen’t fix his son,you and your kids are leaving.its not going to get better till the grownup stands up the guy I use to date had a 14 yr old she wouldn’t listen to her dad but listen to me.set the rules straight have a meeting you his dad and the son give it to him straight dont be scared just do it he will respect you for it.
Maybe he’s bored and needs something to do? Maybe he’s upset because u might be too strict u didn’t give much details on what he has to keep himself entertained. Maybe he feels like the step child because u probably treat him that way. Growing up with a step dad, he always favored my brother, never punished him and I always got worse punishments, my step dad and I fought constantly because I always felt like I wasn’t really apart of his family cuz I wasn’t his own. He probably resents you if that’s how you treat him. He needs counseling, someone he can really let his feelings out to. Also, his dad needs to step the fuck up and not let his kid be such an asshole
Boyfriend?. New stepmom?. This is a fresh relationship… maybe way too soon for him to adjust … who knows … maybe cause he needs to first see that this is serious? And not just his father going on to the next rebound or what not. Definitely can’t be rushed. & you’re not necessarily a step mom til you’re married in my opinion.
I think your no hand held devices is a bit too much for him. Maybe that is the only difference between your house and his moms house. I would let him use it and let him stay preoccupied with it. He is probably acting out out of bordome and probably has nothing in common with the younger children
I feel really sorry for you. I am a mother myself with two boys. If my boys ever treated their fathers partner and children this way they’d be put in their place immediately. It’s about respecting each other, adult and child. I say the issues with your partner not the child. Your partner shouldn’t be allowing this behavior. I’d loose it if I had to lock myself away in my room in my own house just because a child is running havock in my home. Time to sit down with your man and put your foot down.
Is he special needs?
I don’t know what’s wrong with you and everyone else on her but if he shoved and even if he was MY OWN CHILD and be shoved a 4 year old sibling I would call the police on him so they could scare the punk out of him!!! EVERYBODY is going thru something in life! It doesn’t give people permission to act like assholes and to put there hands on other people!
Structure and positive reinforcement. Reach out to his mom and ask what her rules and discipline are so he knows it’s consistent across the board and honestly she’ll probably appreciate you for it.
It’s not all the kid. You aren’t admitting what you are doing or how you are treating him. I’m so tired of people bringing new men/women into their kids lives and the kids are supposed to just accept it and be ok with it. Nope.
Tell your boyfriend to move out
You are not a step parent if he is your boyfriend.
Family first, always 
Hurt people hurt people.
Imagine going through puberty, your hormones block the rational side of your brain, your parents split, dad moves in with his girlfriend and her children, he goes from dad being available all the time to dad on a visitation schedule with a girlfriend that wants to be step mom but it’s only HER home.
He’s the black sheep there, HE doesn’t feel safe- probably because it’s not HIS home as well and there’s this new person he even be jealous of.
You either need to open your home to him and provide him with his safe space or tell dad to do so for him and his child.
Dad needs to grow some balls and talk to his child. He needs to punish and set boundries, and punish when needed. This child needs to understand that bad behavior will not be tolerated at all.
Kids are hard…and it’s harder when they are step kids. If he doesnt act this way with his mother, then what does she do that you guys dont?
The three of you need to figure it out and deal with it. Hes 13…if hes allowed to continue, it will only get worse. Dont shut yourself in the room…be out there, parenting with your husband. You two need to be a United front. Step son knows your weak when it comes to him and he gets away with it.
That needs to stop.
Ground him…set rules and boundaries and ALWAYS discipline when you need to and praise him when he is doing well.
Separation is hard on kids…
Hurting animals is never ok and a red flag, sibling rivalry is normal but constant physicaly torchering younger siblings is also a red flag. I think this boy needs some professional help.
Talk to dad about stepping up more and getting him into Councling . family counciling would also help everyone get on the same page and communicate better.
I remember being 13 and my parents divorcing and having to go to my dad’s new gf house… It sucks! You are just expected to fit in and everything is unfamiliar and uncomfortable… Pair that with puberty…it sucks! I’m not saying you should accept his behavior but there needs to be alot more compassion… There needs to be a sit down with all adults and him to discuss what’s going on and how to move forward… Give him a say in that… You might get some more cooperation
Could you, you boyfriend and the boys mother all sot down and talk about it and come up with a plan together? It might help if you all show a united front on what the rules and consequences are for his bad behavior and rewards on his good behavior, he is probably acting out as it new and a change and his unsure and might be jealous your girls are with his dad and his not, good luck I hope you can figure something out that works for you all to be a happy family
You need to chill out. It sounds like you’re the problem tbh.
My answer completely depends on how long you have been with the boyfriend
Soooo what’s dad doing ??? I get the step parent and child relationship. We just gained full custody of my 14 yr old step son. His dad had to step in a few times about being respectful and over time it worked BUT my step son has never terrorized an animal or his little siblings (that’s alarming to say the least). I would never ever tolerate that behavior amd his father shoulsnt either. Sounds like dad needs a backbone.
Umm where’s dad in all of this? 
Here we go, all the people who always think its stepmoms fault. Condoning animal abuse beacuse it’s ALWAYS stepmoms fault is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
The dad needs to grow a pair and discipline his child because clearly he ain’t doing shit except letting him run wild at your place.
You need to protect your children. That is your responsibility as a mother. Remember, that boy lost his family and he is angry. Also, remember, to your boyfriend his son will always be first no matter what you tell yourself. Get rid of boyfriend and the problem goes away.
I say if this kid isn’t behaving and hurting your children and cat and it’s your house and he is only your boy friend. Have the father set up out side visits with his son. You don’t need to have him in your place. When he is older and more mature to understand he can fine back. Or you all can go on outside visits and do something fun together as a family.
When he’s in “your “ house . That’s your problem right there . You talk about him as a red headed step child . But you change your tone for your own children. I have 4 boys (2 step 2 bio) they are all my children . All the same rules . And I show them all the same love and attention. If this is how you’re speaking here I can only imagine the vibes he gets from you and that is why he’s acting out because he knows you treat him and see him differently . If you cant be equal then you shouldn’t be a stepmom
It’s natural for step parents to dislike their step-children i think, it’s clear you do not like him. You are to be a MOM to him, favoring your daughters or allowing a clear divide to be made as he’s just your “husband’s son” is so awful. I was a hated step child, my step mom hated me, it is so very hard to deal with. I was around his age too, he might just be acting out because he’s uncomfortable. Or he feels like he needs attention because hes now the “step-child” when he’s there. I see no real “love” in the way you view him from the way you talk about him. My step mother would swear up and down she showed me love and “did everything she could” when she was a MONSTER. So please empathize far more and treat him as you would your daughters or do not date a man with a previous child. Good luck.
Your BOYFRIEND— wow kick me out!!!
Boundaries need to be set. Sounds like dad needs to step in. Set firm rules. He needs to respect your house n your children. Dad really needs to have a chat with him. Because if it’s your home n y’all aren’t married then dad could have to have visits somewhere else lol. Sorry that’s what I would do if the child couldn’t behave
Lose the kid before one of your kids are hurt bad
Ask your bf to take him to his parents / grandparents when he visits his dad instead of your home, you have to protect your children animals, home & your own sanity .
Sit down and have a talk with Dad. Then when your SS is over have the 3 of you talk and set boundaries and ask him how he feels. I’d lock the cat in your bedroom, even if you have to put a lock on your door. Just remember to breath and try to understand where he is coming from. Big hugs and I hope things work out.
HE either needs to be a man and take on the responsibility of disciplining his child, or YOU need to dump him. Your choice. You want to act like that in MY house? Take ya daddy and be gone
Also. There is a step mom group you can join for better advice
His visits to MY house would have ended the moment he put his hands on my child. I’m shocked you let him come back. His dad would have to get a place of his own for visits or the relationship would be done. Since we know in these situations the children are always the first priority.
Tell the “boyfriend” to take him out on activities. I would not allow him in my house. Mo
Simple… kick the boyfriend out, problem solved
If he’s abusing animals, he shouldn’t be allowed over. That will only escalate. What does dad say?
Talk with his mom… And then maybe u and mom and him have a lunch date and if he sees yall as a unit too maybe his attitude will change
He’s old enough to have an ultimatum either act like you have sense or you don’t get to come here anymore eff all that compassion it’s obviously not working and you’re position is not that of a** kisser for a disrespectful child period. Stand firm and Dad can either fall in line and help or he can bounce too 
You’ve just stepped into his family. He may need time to adjust. Or maybe he just doesn’t like you. But if the dad is just your boyfriend and your thinking of having move out because you don’t like his son, then maybe you shouldn’t be in their lives anyway.
If the bio parent doesn’t correct him you stand no chances. My step daughter doesn’t respect nor listen to me and she hits her 7 month old brother (my bio child). Her father doesn’t correct her. But he can “correct” my 7 month old, because he’s not in a split home. Get out
You and your significant other, needs to make a list of household rules, chores and punishment. Than be consistent with all the children. This teen needs love from his father and you. Yes, be patient. Find common ground. Praise him for the things he does well. Have structured activities when he is coming for his visit.
Hes angry and hurt. His parents are split and divorced, he has to come to your house when visiting his father and its alot for him to process being 13 and feeling like his world has crashed all around him. Hes being told this is how it is, now deal with it pretty much. Theres no asking how he feels, if he needs to talk about what’s going on with his feelings, theres just no outlet for him to Express himself. No he shouldn’t be do that to the cat, no he shouldn’t be that to your daughter’s, but hes forced to go to your house a place hes not use to and place with new rules, new people where he probably feels like he doesn’t belong. I mean jeez! Talk to the poor boy, let him know he has someone to talk to and that your there for him as well. Take him to a rage room and talk to him. Because what hes going threw is alot and he needs a safe outlet to do that and Express his rage and hurt in a good way. Spend some quality time with him to let him know your there for him also. He needs reassurance and love.
His dad needs to step up n set some real good boundaries and stay consistent with them
Don’t parent, period. You aren’t married to his father. Let dad handle it. Don’t let dad leave him alone with you and your younger children.
“He isn’t like this at his mothers, she’s very strict”<— there’s your answer right there lol. Put your foot down or he just can’t come over anymore PERIOD.
Yah if the dad isn’t stepping up and handling his kid, it’s time for them to leave 
Family counseling with all 3 parental figures so that he understands that you are all a team. Being united as a family will help him see that you all have the same boundaries across the board plus the same love and support no matter where he is.
Wait…yall arent married? Tell him to spend his time somewhere else if he cant control his son. Everyone shouldnt be on pins and needles because this kid wants to act crazy.
She did not say she didn’t like him. But its her and hers kids house plus the cat and if he can’t behave tell dad to take him some where else or tell both to leave
There could be a multitude of reasons this young man is acting out. His mom may be telling him that he doesn’t have to listen to the OP, could be the kid sees her as the reason for his parents breaking up, it could be that he’s 13, hormonal changes with a flood of testosterone and no channel for it, maybe he’s guarding his heart in the only way he knows how, or he just doesn’t like the situation he’s in because of different rules. What 13 yr old wants to give up his gaming for dad’s gf and daughters? I think OP and bf should talk, and then Dad and Mom get together sans gf and talk with their son. Family therapy would do wonders.
how bout you bust his ass an make him show you some respect
Time to tan his hide!
How’s your relationship with his mother? If you two are on good terms maybe speak to her about his behaviour,ask her for advice or ask her to speak to him about it. There’s no shame in asking for help. That behaviour is not okay and may only get worse as time goes on. Nip it in the butt early. If you and his mother have a poor relationship that may be a contributing factor to his behaviour at your house.
Not saying you have but to HIM you’ve ripped his world in half, ofc he’s going to act out it’s completely understandable yes it sucks but give him time, talk to him about how he’s feeling. He’s not just being a “bad kid” for nothing
Leave the parenting to his parents. Also, I hope you aren’t throwing the stepmom title around as that may be fueling his anger. You’re dads girlfriend. Go take a bath or go hang out with your kids and let dad talk it out with his son. 
The father should be taking care of this. You need to take care of your children and your cat. Keep them safe from him and just step back for the time being. BUT make sure his father takes this on, it it will never change.
So were is his dad? He should be saying on him. That’s his kid.
Maybe him and his dad need to have a day out, just the two of them.
. What dose his dad say and dose he get after him?.
. He’s 13, his parents divorced, he is now seeing his dad at a new house with a gf with new kids. He’s going to act up.hes also has a whole new set of rules that he probley dosent have at his mom’s house or when his dad and mom together. Hiding in your room is not the answer through… Maybe you all, ( Dad, You and all the kids need to sit down and have a talk… Maybe if your thinking about having your boyfriend for long time and it’s serious make up new rules with your new family. ( Maybe allowing all the kids to have so much device time a day). I really hate and I’m sorry when women on here say My House, My Rules. Life’s all about compromise and if you can’t do that then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you… when my husband and I got together he had a daughter I had a son. They had 2 totally different life styles. I was more strick and him and his past relationship where not. So we comprised as a family on the new rules of the house. Sat all down as a United unit and came up with new rules. Some from the way I raised my son and some of the way he raised his daughter and all kids where treated equal and it was and always has been our home. We also now have 2 children together. All the same rules and all the same love and attention.
First of all, the fact that people would laugh at this post baffles me. This isn’t funny by any means.
And second, I don’t have much advice except that I would say I went through the he same with my step dad when he first came into my life. I was 11. It’s hard for a young child to accept another parent into their lives. It just is. And now I’m 32 and very close with him. He’s my father, and the only father I need.
It really does just take time. Hang in there. Try sitting down and talking to him at his level. Ask him if there’s something you did, or if there’s anything you can do…I hope it all works out for you.
Everyone expects children to deal with adult issues like adults. But they do not have the skills to do that. He probably doesn’t even know why he’s acting like this. Sounds like he’s acting like this cause he’s hurt and upset. Kids don’t just say they want to talk about things bothering them because well they’re kids… they act out, they cry, throw fits, get rowdy instead. Why don’t you ALONE sit down with him and explain you’re not here to be his mom but you are here to help him and be there for him and take care of him. Maybe he thinks you’re the reason his parents aren’t together, who knows. There’s a bigger reason why he’s acting like this and you’re going to have to dig it out of him. And you do that by having love and compassion for him. Yes, he needs to be disciplined but he also doesn’t need to be treated like the red headed step child.
The only thing NOT normal is throwing the cat. That’s sociopath tendencies. I wouldn’t want him near my kid or animals.
it’s your house. step mother or not you have a right to say something. you don’t want your kids picking up on his bad habits thinking it’s okay because if he can get away with it , they’ll think they can
Can you, his dad and his mom sit down with him and talk to him all together?
You’d rather split with your boyfriend and kick them out rather than allow him to play video games? There is more to this than you’re saying. Try getting out of the house to do things with him. Sounds as if there is no space of his own and no entertainment for him at your house.
I’m confused is he your husband or boyfriend . Big difference .I am a stepmom also
Have you tried just spending time with just him? To get to know him? Have some fun and talk to him personally. I do agree with some other posts. What he is doing is not ok. He may need counseling. Never know what he is going through as well.
Crack him across the ass a few timez
Are u step mom or just his dads girlfriend?
His dad would straighten him out or both could move. No need in you and your children being miserable.
You said step mom, but then said boyfriend…are you married or no? Sounds like his mother, his father and you need to have a come to jesus
Hopefully you and his mother are cool and decent to each other to the point where you can sit down and talk in person, or even have a nice chat on the phone about what’s going on? My first step would be to talk to his dad first because that’s your significant other and you should be able to talk to him about these problems, and if he doesn’t understand and isn’t willing to talk about, then it sounds like he might be the problem. Have a talk with him first and if necessary I would talk to his mother too. If he’s really close with his mom and she has a talk with him about how to act at your house then he might want to listen because she’s telling him to and he loves his mom. It might just be him acting out over being upset at the fact his parents are separated and don’t live together anymore? Maybe it’s upsetting to him to not have mom and dad in the same house anymore? Maybe he feels like you don’t like him when he comes to your house and doesn’t feel welcome there so that’s what’s making him act out? Not saying what he is doing there is right because I def wouldn’t want my kids being terrorized in my own home either, but I think maybe he is feeling some type of way over his parents splitting up and he doesn’t know how to act or talk to someone about cuz he’s only 13. Teenage boys can be a handful anyways cuz they are going through so much shit, a lot of changes with their body and mood and noticing girls and all those changes lol now this is one more thing that’s probably stressing him out, try to talk to him and if that don’t work (I guess you said you have many times) talk to your significant other please and tell him how bad this is effecting you negatively and your whole house. If it’s your house tho and dad moved in with you, it needs to be his sons house too now tho. It can’t just be you and your kids house. It must be the whole families house too and now his son needs to feel comfortable there and my guess is that he doesn’t and that’s probably the problem. Talk to your man about how you feel.
Tell his father to get a grip on him or leave
Some of these comments clearly show step parents are as awful as I remembered. Step children are MEANT TO BE YOUR CHILDREN TOO. NOT AN INCONVENIENCE. You got with a man with a previous child, you need to love it like you would your own or go date someone else. Disgusting.
Guys, kids have been dealing with divorce for yeeeeaaaarrrsss and we didnt all act violently about it.
Kid needs counseling bc he obviously doesn’t know how to handle his shit and you all dont either.
First you said you were the step mom, meaning you are married to the kids father. Then at the end you are wondering if you should throw your BoYFRIEND out. Big difference. I would get a new boyfriend.
Tell your boyfriend to move out and take his kid with him, no way I’d put up with that bullshit!