My stepson is 11 years old. For Christmas, my husband and I got him a cheap cell phone to use at our home for emergency purposes. During the summer him and his sister like to go on bike rides or to the park which is fine but then we can’t get ahold of him so we have to drive around to find them. They know they have to check in, but sometimes I get nervous. It also can be used for if they are playing at the neighbors and need to come home. The phone was not for him to take to school or be on it 24/7. Well, his mom went out and bought him an iPhone… He is with us Friday after school till Tuesday morning. His mom shows up at the school on our time and sees him Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. After finding out about the phone, we expressed our concerns and how the phone is not allowed at our home. 1. I’m not responsible for the phone. 2. We have no privileges to the phone as it is not ours, and im not going to be responsible for what he does on it. 3. She is constantly tracking the phone and knowing her she will show up if she sees us somewhere. 4. I don’t want him taking pictures of my children and my home. He has already asked if he can tell his mom what’s going on… We are building an addition on to our home and are finally almost finished. To me, I feel like if she wants to see our home, she can simply ask. Dont send your 11 year old child to take pictures. I dont know what her home looks like, nor have I stepped foot in her home, but when we were trying to coparent and get along, she came over to our house many times. We had to get camers due to her walking around on our property. Also, she likes to create many arguments, and we wanted to make sure everything was recorded. We clearly dont get along, and I feel like this is a huge setup. Like they are going to do everything in their power to take him away from us as they have been trying to do this for the last 8 years. I don’t want any issues. I don’t feel comfortable in my home. The weekend after she had bought the phone she respected our wishes and didn’t send the phone. Let me put this out there that we did let her know many times that if she ever needs to contact him, she can always call. Our phones are always on. I mean, she goes 2 days without talking or seeing him. My husband goes weeks without seeing or talking to him… Well, this last weekend, he was with us, and I went into his room to grab his dirty laundry, and on his backpack, he has locks. I obviously didn’t open his backpack, but I did feel a phone in there. When asked, he tried to lie about it but then clearly noticed that we knew about it. I didn’t take it away, but I made it known I knew about it. For the following weekend, he comes. What should I do? Leave it? Make him give me his backpack? My intention isn’t to look on his phone. I just simply don’t want it in my house or him on it while in my home. Do I have his mom keep his backpack seeing she shows up to the school anyway?
You shouldn’t be a step parent! And the mom needs to beat your ass for posting this shit!
No, as a step mother no you cannot refuse him coming in the house with the phone. Courts will favour the kids and the ability to contact the other parent… also you arent even paying for said phone…Seems to me you’ve got other issues that aren’t necessarily about the phone and more towards the mother… just leave it to the parents and court. Just focus on your kids. I’ve had a custody court case too… just my 2 cents…
Listen, I don’t know your dynamic, but as a stepparent, I feel like you’re a little possessive over the child and need to defer to the parents. But I also feel there are many other issues and this is not about a phone. Good luck to you.
Take it when he gets there and give it back when he leaves. You’re allowed to have rules in your home and expect them to be followed and respected.
The phone is gonna win this battle you’re having with it. I’d also let the dad handle it.
Gheez. I’ll bet he loves coming to your house. It’s got to be hard enough for the kid to get shuffled back and forth between two parents. If his mother is comfortable with him having the I phone then you should honor her wishes. So what if he’s taking pictures? It’s his 2nd home. Ease up!
Let him have the phone, goodness.
I think it should have been discussed between your husband and his mom about him having a phone I mean you can’t take it away from him I don’t really see a big problem with him having it. You can set certain boundaries of course while he’s at your house for instance no being on your phone during meal times and he can’t be on it you know past a certain time when he has to go to bed 
other than that I don’t see an issue. I think it’s odd that he can’t take pictures with his siblings at his own home… That to me is a little controlling and concerning it’s almost like you don’t count your home as his home I mean that’s your step child he lives there part of the time that is his home and those are his siblings so I don’t really understand that whole dynamic. Personally I think that’s a little controlling and immature on your part. I also don’t see a problem with his mother going to check on him and see him “during your time” I’ll never quite understand that. You Share a child, not a toy. I think you should let him have the phone personally. I think you’re making a bigger deal out of something than it is.
I don’t know where to start, too many red flags. First, you need to step back, step parents are absolutely important and can play a big parent role (my husband is an amazing dad to my children, he looks at them as his own) but in this case, it sounds like you do not see this child as yours or an equal in your family at all. You say you don’t want him coming into your home and taking pictures of your kids, isn’t it also his home? Aren’t those kids his siblings? Shouldn’t he able to take pictures of his siblings in his own home? Next issue, why are you so worried about him taking pictures? Unless you have something to hide, it shouldn’t even be a thought in your head. It sounds like you have issues with his mother and are taking it out on the child. Also, why is your husband going weeks without even talking to his own child? That’s insane. I’m also willing to bet that a big issue with this phone is that it’s better than the one you guys gave him and that is rubbing you some type of way. Either way, grow up, you don’t get to pick and choose when to parent or when to accept him as a part of your family and home and when not to. I imagine he dreads going to your house with the way you treat him. Do better.
I’d discuss my issues with their father and let him decide how he wants to parent his child. Your allowed boundaries in your home but that’s about all you should do.
You need to realize, you are the step parent and you are causing way too much drama.
If you don’t want him using it at your house. Turn it off and put it away until he’s going back to his moms. Your house your rules.
As a step parent, let it go, let her snoop, let her be bothered. Let his bio parents deal with his rearing. Be caring & respectful to him and leave it at that.
Sounds like there’s more issues going on than a phone , let the dad and mom handle it . It’s just a phone . Maybe come up with a compromise and some rules about it . Like pick and chose your battles. Why make a big deal over a phone call.
Imagine being a grown adult and like….this.
The adults in this situation really need to sit down together and have a full discussion, but I will say if you’re not going to let him have that phone at your house then he needs to have a phone on him that his mom can reach him on.
So you’re mad she shows up to the school on “your time”, that she goes 2 days without talking but your husband goes weeks without seeing or talking to him. 
Way more issues than just the phone going on here. You’re worried about her spying on the house. She’s just being a mom and present in her sons life…
You are a step parent and I think you need to stay in your lane a little. It’s okay to have rules regarding the cell phone like a time limit so he’s not just on it constantly. But she is the mom and if she wants her child to have a phone so she can reach him or so he has something in case of emergency then that’s none of your business. It’s a scary world we live in now. My 10 year old has a phone bc he walks to school with his younger sisters and he’s at the age where he likes to go out to friends houses. I don’t get what the big issue is.
Maybe the mom just needs to feel comfortable with the child being there. Also maybe the child is going back saying things to the mom. There should be a way to compromise. Why can’t you add life 360 so the dad and mom both knows where the child is? If there is somewhere you don’t want them knowing you are at turn your tracking off at the time. If the child wants to call the mom everyday put a time that they can do so. However have it work both ways. Tell the mom if you’re going to compromise she can too. As parents that are coparenting it’s our job to make it as easy as possible for the child, doing these things are only making the child not want to be there. Parents can simply not like each other but they still need to get along and not make that known to the child. It sounds like you guys have a lot of tension between you and the child is stuck in the middle of it.
Can we say power trip.
Let him have the phone. I’d hate to spend the weekend with u
As a step mom and bio mom, you need to have several seats. I can see why bio mom would want to know what goes on when her child is with you.
Let him have a phone.its not a big deal to us but it is to the teens.
I don’t see why this has to be an issue. Let the kid have his phone, with some ground rules. What are you really worried about? Is something happening at your home that shouldn’t be? Otherwise, the other parent can’t just take kids away. Not everything has to be a fight.
I’m still laughing at the “shows up at school on our time”!!!
This entire post is so cringy. I feel like you are upset because she got him a better phone than you guys gotten him. First of all, I feel this is a conversation for the adults before you keep his phone and backpack hostage. I also think some things might be all in your head, I highly doubt she wants to know what your house looks like and is having him spy, that sounds absolutely crazy. As a mother I’d be so upset if I got my child a phone and their step parent made it a nightmare of a situation when they could have easily spoken to me about it.
What you do, you do! What their mother does is none of your business! In her, home, she makes the rules! Get over yourself!
You’re one of those step moms lol
A judge can decide otherwise as a mother I don’t know that I would care what you want. I would discuss it with the child’s father but ultimately our judge had decided the child can have some ground rules but neither of us could deny the phone in general as it allows the other parent to have contact. I would say your husband needs to handle it or go to mediation and have it decided there or in court. I know step moms are important, I was a step mom but at the end of the day it’s between mom and dad to figure out
I feel that you are hiding something that you are afraid the Mother is going to find out about and use against you. You need to back off. You remind me of the evil stepmother in Cinderella
Life 360 for all parents.That way everyone knows where he is. Who cares as long as your not taking him somewhere he shouldn’t be. His life should be and open book with all parents. He shouldn’t have to ask to take pictures of HIS families or homes for any reason. Don’t put that pressure on a 10 year old kid.
I’m a single father. After my wife passed away her sister gave my daughter a tablet so they could video call. At that moment, doing my best to keep harmony seemed more important so I didn’t object though in my mind I was thinking it was way too soon for that.
I wish I’d had the backbone this poster does to stand up and say no.
I feel that as the stepparent, you are also a parent, and seem to be trying to co-parent and be involved. The more people to love a child the better. Unfortunately, this can mean issues with these types of situations. However, if you and your husband are on the same page, I would simply say that he has to turn the phone over to you guys when he gets to your house. It can be shut off and kept in your dresser drawer and returned to him upon him leaving to return to his mothers. I mean your house, your rules. I completely understand why you feel as you do & why you have discomforts about it being in & tracking or recording things in your home (or having the ability to) when there is a difficult party on the other end, you don’t need to explain all the reasons…. You feel uncomfortable plain and simple. You & your husband, should discuss this & if necessary, him be the one to enforce this, IF it is an issue that may face tension from your son. Best of luck with this 
I totally understand where you are but DAD needs to be the one to address this.
Dad can make a basket where it can be turned in and dad should give ground rules to use it
You gave him a phone but you don’t want his own mother to give him one?? 
I feel like as a stepparent you are kind of over stepping your boundaries there. I am primary caregiver to my kids they see their dad and stepmom every Wednesday and every other weekend I am pretty sure their stepdad my husband would just let them know if something happens to the phone as far as it breaking or something they will be responsible for fixing it not us. That’s his mom and she should be allowed to buy her son a phone if she wants too.
You definitely have issues. Check yourself and intentions.
WoW, I feel sorry terribly sorry for this kid. It honestly sounds like you’re trying to push him away because you don’t like his mom and so many of your comments are contradictory. You seen his backpack was locked and you didn’t open it (because you didn’t have a key) but you felt it because that’s all you had access to do on his dad’s weekend visit after possible weeks without seeing him. SMH. Grow up and treat this kid how you’d want someone to treat yours.
Why this child can not have his phone. I mean my 11year daughter has a phone so does my son 15years old. Like I make sure they do there homework chores. It’s her son maybe she wants keep in contact with him more.
Wow - I can’t believe this -BS - and now the child is demonstrating the same BS behavior. If the phone isn’t allowed in “Your” house - then have a place (a lock box 
) so he can put it in there -turned off. Apparently the lil’ guy is going to be very paranoid, trust issues and will become an accomplished liar - because he will figure out what to say to make life easier/ make you happy. Think about it
If you don’t want the phone at your home, have him leave it with her the morning of exchange. Period. No need to go into more details. You don’t want it, don’t allow it. If he brings it, take it, turn it off and put it in a drawer till he leaves to go back to his moms.
It is all a little off to me. But I’m not in your shoes so I can’t judge.
Everything in your post is so backwards. You are the father’s wife. She is that child’s MOTHER. It’s kind of odd to me that you want to be so secretive about your household and his time there. I 100% would not send my child after reading this. I hope she gets full custody. A stepparent should never have this thought process or feel that they should have this much say when it comes to the mother’s choice on how she raises her child.
Maybe the adults need mediation. Or at least another sit down. Try a neutral place where you can find a private space to talk. It sounds like the child is caught in the middle. That’s going to only cause confusion for the child, and resentment by all parties.
I could have an opinion and even advice, but ultimately this is your situation and all the adults involved need to come to an agreement. Well actually it needs to start with his biological parents.
I’m going to be the minority here. Your house your rules. When he gets there he can give his backpack to his dad or sit it in one place for the stay unless being used for school. You aren’t saying she can’t buy it you’re just saying to not have it in your home and that’s fine. As a mom and step mom I completely understand your concerns
A lot of 
first thing I would def change is allowing her to come to your home during your guys time!
So we went through this with our step daughter. It was in the parenting plan that the other parent cannot interfere with phone usage when contacting the other parent. Well my husband’s ex wife went and got rid of her home phone so my step daughter had no way to call us . So we went and bought a cheap flip phone for her the ex got mad because she new she had no say so or control over the phone.
I get the your house your rules thing but when you said your husband goes weeks without seeing him 
it’s his phone, and if your kids are his siblings why can’t he take pictures?
My 11 yr old has a phone and all her pics are her, and her little sisters lol
Evidently most of you have never dealt with a bio mother that is constantly looking for any.way.to grab more money from the dad and seeing pictures of a home addition would definitely set her off.if she’s nosing around their yard she is definately looking to cause trouble.
This is so weird!!! Back up
Why do adults act like children and make the actual children suffer ?
Make rules but don’t punish the child, just don’t allow him to take pictures.
It’s all petty if you ask me. If she can come inside and see the home what difference does a picture make ??
Wow you seem like a fun time…. First of all my child’s father’s girlfriend or wife will not dictate when I see my kid on their time or not. We co parent very well and that seems a little wild. 2nd it is your step child’s home too not just yours. Is there something that is being done in your home that you do not want to get out. Let that kid have his phone. My kid has an iPhone she takes it to her dad’s, takes it to my house talks to her dad while she’s with me and talks to me when she’s with him. Sounds to me you want to be controlling. Seems wild that this is even an issue. The mother wants to makes sure the kid is okay. As yes the father should have the number too.
I’m not trying to be rude but you sound RIDICULOUS
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel if that was your son and you bought him a phone and his step mother was as controlling as you. I guarantee you would hate it. Don’t be so dramatic. You are causing an issue that doesn’t need to be. If you dont want her to see something in your house then you may want to rethink if what you are doing is good or bad.
She probably got it for him because yall have to drive around looking for him ! I dont blame her, its a safety issue!!
I would have the boys Father handle this… simple.
They make these envelope bag things that are signal blockers when it’s placed inside. We had this issue with my husband’s ex before we got full custody of the kids. If she has a way to contact you or the child then he doesn’t need the phone if you’re uncomfortable with it. If she cant respect your wishes, then i suggest the bag from amazon, when its his day to go home you can give him back the phone.
Why can’t he have his phone that his MOTHER got him! I think you need to chill out! I would lose my **** if you were my kids stepmother. U need to chill out and take a back seat…My mom and stepmother are have always been friendly for my benefit and now are actually friends. Thank God.
As a child of divorced parents, this post makes me incredibly sad. You are talking about this child like a possession. He is a human being, with friends he probably desperately wants to keep in touch with when you’re holding him hostage at your house. I whole heartedly understand the “your house, your rules” mentality, but honestly, that makes it seem all the more like you don’t view it as his house and you view him as a guest. Every ounce of my being read this post not giving two shits about the phone. I am internally sobbing for this child.
The only reason you wouldn’t want him taking photos in your home if you’re fearful she is trying to take him away from you, would be because you have something in your home that could work in her favour, and against you. All just sounds like too much unnecessary drama
Just tell him your rules and he will have to hand over his phone to you until he leaves again for his mom’s. As long she can contact him which she can through the phone y’all purchased for him….i don’t see why he needs it.
The fact that you’re like “oh my husband goes weeks without seeing or talking to him” like that’s normal?? Big cringe, you’re in the wrong here about the phone, and by the way you talk about the situation and your step child, you’re probably in the wrong a lot.
I was a child that went back & forth. I felt like neither homes were mine as both had kids with new spouses .
The poor kid asked what he was allowed and it wasn’t enough (and very mature of him to even ask). The thing that triggered me in this was “my home”. “My kids”. Where is this poor childs “home” when his time is at dads? Your house as a guest??
Did u and dad ask mom when buying the cheap phone? Is the issue that she got a better one as yours wasn’t the issue?
I cant imagine how uncomfortable this child is there - if it were mine - yes call me when you need to. No one is stopping our kids from calling us no matter “whose time it is”. Your rant isn’t about whats best for the child - its all about “you”.
I’m sorry, but having the mum randomly rock up to places you are, to school, to your house is way over the line. That’s yours, your husbands and his half siblings time. It sounds like mum gets ample time and needs to step back to let you enjoy it. While it may sound unreasonable, it’s your time with that child and what rules you have, should be respected. Just like you have no say how she parents her child at her home. I don’t see the issue, honestly. Mum has ways to contact via dads phone and the emergency one you bought him. Given it’s only like 3 days without him, I think that’s sufficient.
How does his father feel about this?
I don’t want to assume, but sounds from the post YOU have some major issues with his mom, maybe set those issues/feelings aside for a minute and really think about the problem you are feeling here. YOU gave him a phone already so it’s not like she went behind your back on getting him one. If your intentions for giving him a phone is only for safety and accessibility and iPhone is by far more reliable than any flip phone.
Does his mom have access to him on the flip phone you provided? Do you have the phone number to the iPhone his mother provided?
As long as you both can get a hold of him on the same phone I don’t see any issues with the phone his mother gave him.
I’m sure she completely understands that you are not liable of something happens to that phone while with you.
And as for her you mentioning or implying that she does not need to reach him because she only doesn’t have him a couple days out of the week, if I was his mother I would want 7-day access to him as well Maybe not intruding on his dad’s time but definitely having access in case of an emergency. And I too probably would check in on my child no matter the age either by his cell phone or going to the school you don’t stop parenting just because the child is with the other parent.
If your stepson is allowed in your home then so are his belongings. You are correct in not having to be responsible for the item. At 11 he is. If he is taking pictures, that is just kids being kids. Let the boy enjoy his new toy. Just put a limit on screen time.
This needs to be something g you discuss with his father. Then dad can discuss this with the other legal parent.
Personally I’d say he can have the phone but it’s off until he wants to call his mom.
I’m side eyeing you about on some stuff. Idk if you have anxiety you need to work on or what.
Let the kid have the phone. My son has had a phone since that age and his step mom and dad never had an issue with it. Who cares if he videos or takes pictures? What is there to hide?
Taking his phone away while he’s with you likely won’t go over well. The mom crossed a boundary you guys set but you can’t punish the child for that. While I can understand your concerns that was a risk the mother was willing to take when trusting an 11 year old with an iPhone. You can limit his use and set rules with his phone while in your house but to take it away completely is absurd. If it’s locked away in his backpack and not being misused, what is there to complain about? You lost the battle, adapt, and move on.
Whew! Ok I read the whole thing. 1. I was right you’re controlling. 2. Seek counseling (family based) anything including YOU ALL. Your husband needs to set boundaries with you. Glad I’m not the mother.
Girl u need to grow up and butt out .poor kids so stuck in the middle like he can’t take a picture at yr house that’s also supposed to be his house .can’t take a picture of his siblings wtf is wrong with u . I am a parent and have been a step mom .I’ve also been divorce co-parenting isn’t easy but it can be managed once u put the kid first yr post is way to much about you ,your wants ,your needs, the child is 11 think about him .
This sounds completely ridiculous!!! I couldn’t even finish reading it you sound like a child!! I doubt she gives af about your house!!! Why are you so worried about pictures how nasty is your home?? Please grow up and let that child have his phone. Maybe limit the time playing on it especially school nights. I wonder how the dad feels you seem very controlling!!!
Yikes. This is so cringy on so many levels. Mom going to school on “your” time. Hard stop. You don’t own the child on “your” time. It’s the child’s life and THEIR time. Big yikes. And the child can have the phone, and you really need to get over it.
This should be handled between the father and mother, not your issue.
You sound like a bitter stepmother…
Not your place. Your are the step parent.
This poor kid. How about relax. So the mom might see your home? 
Ok??? Then what? Since his dad goes weeks without seeing him and you’re in your head about worrying what the mom is up to he’s probably super uncomfortable there. She probably checks up on him a lot because of that. Regardless, the phone is not the big deal you’re making it out to be. Worry more about being there for the kid and less about his mom.
By some of these comments….clearly a lot of you haven’t been a step parent. Step parenting is so freakin hard.
Time restriction at your house is one thing. Down right refusing his and his mother’s property into your home is over board. If he was being disrespectful with it and not listening. Sure. Talk to the mom about it. But with you just not wanting pictures taken of your home? Seems like you are guilty of something there… Just like pictures of the kids being taken? I could see not posting them on social media. Plenty of parents don’t want that. But if he wants to have pictures with or of his siblings/step siblings. Why can’t he?? What’s wrong with that?? If it gets broken? That’s on him. He is old enough to know there’s consequences for your actions. Not your responsibility to keep him from breaking or losing it. I don’t want to sound hateful when I say this… But also ain’t your kid his biological parents can discuss this issue. You may be step parent. But that doesn’t mean you get to make all the rules regarding to their child. At the end of the day what they say goes did you ever stop to think you don’t get along with bio mom because of stuff like this?? You can’t pretend to be mom and expect that relationship to be able to be a good one.
I think your out of order actually, you have no place to say he shouldn’t have a smart phone. Just the fact that he can’t even take pictures with or of his half siblings is enough for me to decide I wouldn’t get along with you either. As for her showing up at the school she has every right to if an issue arises. Also why would you not want to check in on him with the phone to make sure he’s being safe just because ‘your not responsible for it’. I think you are being possessive and you need to stay in your lane.
I’m sorry but that’s her kid. You are stepmom. She actually has a right to know where he is at all times and where you are taking him. If you don’t want pictures taken in your house then that’s something you can express to your “step son” but other than that you need to accept the fact that you are the one with a man who has kids with another woman. You can not and should not control what his kids have or whether his mom shows up to see him or not. It’s his freaking mom.
Well he has his own phone. Can’t your husband start talking and texting him when he’s not there? As far as the phone being in your home, what is your husbands opinion? Why can’t he take pictures of the other kids? If you’re doing nothing wrong there’s nothing to worry about. Maybe instead of saying no, have limited time where he is around you guys so you can monitor and make sure he’s not doing something on it that he shouldn’t and Put it up at night with you ect. He’s 11. And in his mind it’s no big deal for mom so it should be fine by dad too. Should she have discussed it with dad first? Maybe. But she didn’t. So now you have to take a new look at this.
You’re weird not even gonna lie. Stay in your place and worry about your own kids.
Also, the way you sound makes it seem like you’re a very unpleasant person to be around. Get it together. I resort to "throwing hands* when it comes to my children and so should this mother. Especially with how you’re acting
I’m not even going to read all if it. Keep up what you’re doing and you will have a miserable life.
I couldn’t finish reading this. It was so cringy. Let the kid have this phone.
You sound like a nightmare. He can have a phone when you get him one but not his mom. And you say your husband has him Friday-Tuesday but then say you go weeks without seeing him. If mom is willing to supply a phone she should be able to. And if she wants to contact her son and has provided him a phone she shouldn’t have to call you to talk to him. You sound controlling and unwilling to coparent.
I read the first 3 sentences and basically came to the conclusion of, “GROW TF UP” Cause you’re controlling asf.
This is a discussion between mom and dad, not step parents. Phones at this age are normal tho, and both parents have a right to send a phone when the child travels to the other parent.
I mean he’s 11 , I think you are overreacting a little they have apps on your phone for internet management to shut off and turn on wifi when you feel necessary, I don’t think you should punish him for having a phone because his mom bought it. Maybe just set some boundaries with him ? Instead of him resenting you guys in the future. You both have phones … I don’t see the difference
I only read a little bit but just state you are not responsible for anything that happens to it and move on. The boy is 11. All of his friends have a phone, I’m sure. This is not a fight to pick.
“My husband goes weeks without seeing him or talking to him”….
And you wonder why the mother would have concern. What is wrong with people 
It not your decision to make you are not his parent. If I give my child a phone then you best not touch it.
I agree with you and I have bio and step kids. It’s not your phone to control and if his mom wants him to have a phone we’ll at her house it is. Simple, I’m sure she would do the same vice versa.
You need to sit down somewhere. Let my kids’ NOT PARENT try to tell me I can’t get MY kid a phone 
You really felt around in an 11 year old’s locked backpack for HIS phone? Knock it off. Come on now. You are way overstepping and damn lucky his mama ain’t called you out.
I think you need to step back and let your husband handle this and back him up due to the complex nature of everything, but be mindful not to let the hostility between adults impact this child. And if it really comes down to not having this phone while at your home, then dad can have it during that time period and turn it off n give it back to him when needed. Yes there should be general rules around cellphones for younger kids, but making this about his mum will only breed issues.
That’s his mother. 
you can set rules but her getting him a phone is really no business of yours out side of that.
Even more than that this whole post reeks of control and paranoia. Why?
What’s wrong with your home and life that you want it to be such a secret? You never tell a child to keep things secret from their mother. EVER.
My only issue would be my kids have and hour a day to phone/ tablet time a day and then their stuff goes on lock down.
I am not sure I would be comfortable with the idea of an 11 having free for all phone.they are not mature enough. And could potentially show my younger kids on appropriate things.
If you don’t wanna be responsible for it you can’t take it out of his possession why are you so weird? About him having conversations with his MOM about his life and his other home? Grow up .why the heck are you feeling his backpack ?
I can’t stand people like you honestly. You just better be glad that your not in my childrens lives
While I understand your situation is not an easy one , take it from one who has been there. Let the child have his phone . It’s his and his mom
Has every right to call him when she wants to - just as his dad should be allowed . I’d ask the mom to monitor what he is allowed to look at on the phone but I am sorry to say , this is just not your right . My kids were able to call their dad anytime they wanted to , missed him etc . Etc . As a mom , I know the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in bed at night and so did their father ! It was hard on us both but you must remember this is not about you ! It’s about the child . Always ! If I could go back and tell my “ younger self “ one piece of advice it would be to love the child more than you hate their dad . Lots of luck .