She an adult now if she want to come around she will cant force her to .let her learn the hard way if she going act like that
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If he wants to give her the money let him it’s her graduation gift… Think about it if that was yalls biological kids Would you want your kids to have the same treatment even if they’re being assholes?
Also you said she’s not comfortable at yalls house you ever think that maybe you did something to make her uncomfortable or maybe her dad? Possibly an argument etc?
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Give her $$ for graduation, she’s 18 so the rest will be up to her. Don’t be the ATM anymore, but love her and be supportive. They eventually will learn to sink or swim.
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Im sorry but it sounds like she is using him at this point and is only dads little girl when she wants something i wouldent give her the money but an card simply saying i love you so much oldest don’t foget that forever and always sighned with just her cass name hand it to her and leave.
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That’s a young adult that needs a reality check. Stop acting like an entitled child, who thinks her parents owe everything to her. Don’t like the rules? Then get a job and move out on your own. That’s what my parents taught me. I’m tired of these young adults and their entitled attitudes. I had my first job at 16. Sounds like she’s having a temper tantrum. Don’t change the house rules or bend them just because its what SHE wants. Parents these days want to be their kids friends instead of a parent. That’s why they act that way. Also, stop referring to her as a STEPdaughter. If that’s your husband that’s your daughter too even if you didn’t birth her.
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Honestly she’s probably just not comfortable with you. And she has a life she’s 18 she has friends she has school she has other things that she would probably rather be doing than spending time with her parents. I think your expectations are a little bit ridiculous. She said she’s uncomfortable for a reason. So if she feels uncomfortable it is not up to her to make you understand that you just need to respect that
I would learn to give gifts and love with no return expectation. 18 is a tough age, just be there unconditionally. Persistent consistency. She’ll mature eventually.
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Who’s the kid around here? You and your husband are acting extremely childish. Withholding Christmas gifts to a child. Teenagers are difficult you need to try and remember and just hearing how you put this I can imagine how uncomfortable she has been made to feel. Grow up lady.
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You can’t have terms & agreements on love, especially between a parent & child. It’s unconditional. I get why she feels uncomfortable. Kids nowadays have a lot on their plates compared to their parents at the same age. Cut her some slack.
Omg these responses are killing me 
I have been through all this exact same thing and all I have to say is let your husband do what he wants to do for her for now cuz guess what??? He will start bitching to you about everything he does for her and gets nothing in return!!
I told my husband don’t bitch to me cuz I told you my advice and you are going to do what you want cuz it’s your child! As would I!! And guess what…he eventually realized that it didn’t do any good and he gave up giving gifts for the most part! Our door is always open for them but not going to kiss ass anymore for an adult child 
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For someone with four “parents” this young lady sounds very poorly parented. Sad.
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How was her relationship with her father after the separation with her mom. My SO has the same issue with his 22 yo. She doesn’t really communicate with him unless he initiates contact. I had to ask him how much did he show up for her as a child? If you didn’t show up to things that were important for her how can you expect her to care to show up when she is older. Just food for thought.
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Counseling seriously needed. The step daughter needs some serious counseling and it seems like your husband does too and it wouldn’t hurt for you to go along to have someone to talk to yourself. It sounds like it sounds like your step daughter is playing both you and your husband against each other and it’s time for Daddy to give his baby girl some tough love. And teacher who the parents are in the family it sounds like she’s the controller at this point. Don’t feed into her little game. Good luck. I know step-children can be twice as hard to raise as one’s own child. I had a few myself
In our family, I let him make decisions on his children based on his wishes. We don’t give gifts based on how often we see people. You gift give out of love.
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She’s definitely an entitled brat BUT she’s not your kid so you really need to stay out of it. If my (now ex) stepdad ever tried making decisions with my mom regarding me I would’ve cut them both off for good. You’re not her mother. Let her mother and father handle it.
Coming from a family that are broken I feel your husbands daughters pain. At the end of the day she is his daughter. Regardless if you’re married or not you cannot tell him what he can and can’t do with his daughter. I’d keep out of it if I were you. It’s not fair. That’s her daddy and you’re basically coming between them both
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Shes an adult now she is not going to want to spend every weekend with her dad. I understand it must feel upsetting but if she has already said she doesn’t feel comfortable that suggest you need to look at yourselfs and how you guys and your home are for her. Perhaps she needs 1-1 with her dad it should not be down to her to always come to him…giving her money and cars is all well and good but sounds like she needed the time and love more
Its his daughter he wants to give $500 to. If he works and he earns then you should have no say in it. If it were the other way around im sure ud give u child the money without hesitation. As long as it doesnt take from what he helps with around the house there should be no issue with it
A gift is something that comes from the heart. And shouldn’t be used as a guilt trip. She is 18 not many 18 year olds or teenager at all wants to hang with their parents… And maybe she is looking for some one on one time with her dad without your input. I will also add that if she has a car, she should have a job to pay for insurance and tags. No one gets to live in this world for free. Think she about to get a big wake up call when her mom moves and she is left with nowhere to live… Hope things work out for you all.
I’ve been the step mother for 18 years. My step children were 11 and 13 when I became their extra parent. Speaking from experience I used to struggle with this same issue as well. Now I can honestly say I wish I had given them anything I could at the time and was able to show and express more love than I was capable of at the time. Unconditional love is never the wrong choice. No I’m not saying money is showing “love” but it’ll always be remembered maybe not now, but in the future and it’ll help build the foundation
Shew some of the comments sound like they are from bitter baby mommas.
Tough love is hard obviously some of you never given it.
If the only time she comes around is to get things or $ why would he continue to do that?
She is 18 … she sounds like a manipulative spoiled brat.
I have 3 kids over 17 and I am single momma. And at any point they acted like this I be done too.
As for drinking… if she is wanting to drink all the time … hell no, if it’s occasional I rather my kid drink at home with me.
Shes 18 can’t control her smoking except inside your house .
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Don’t let these comments get to you. She sounds like an entitled brat. Thats the way these kids from a divorce behave. I have a brat as well so I understand where you are.
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My first time ever posting to give my opinion.
Love the child no matter what.
Don’t attach gifts to her HAVING to be there.
Don’t interfere with Dad if he wants to do something special, your way of parenting, may be different than his, this is his child, and teenager mini adults, have all sorts of feelings you may be missing or not understanding. Let him be the dad he wants to be without interface. That will ruin your realitionship with him FAST.
If she wants to smoke, it is her body, but you don’t have to purchase them, or allow it in your home if it’s smoke free.
As far as drinking, I agree with the majority of comments, drinking at home is MUCH safer. No one wants the call they have a dead child cause they were forced to go out and be a typical young adult. I would however talk to dad and restrict parties or other young adults drinking, as that’s not your call to allow.
The job thing, that will come, don’t be so pushy, school is allot on young adults.
At this point, the parents still should be providing her needs(including car insurance if you are expecting her to drive to you). You in my opinion are inserting yourself into a nightmare, let Dad do what he wants and be the support person to him. This is his daughter for life. You may be his new wife, but if he’s already been through a divorce, that shows you spouses are not always guaranteed to be there forever.
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She seems to be a lot like my daughter. I think that this age period is very difficult on the young people trying to find their way. They don’t know themselves, and they don’t really know what direction to take. During this time they will often make many mistakes. It is up to the adult to understand this and remember who this young person is. Its highly likely that you do not know a great many things that might be affecting her. Treat her with extreme understanding and love. Be there for HER, as a loving parent, without expectations. It may be a long time before she finds herself. It sure is a wonderful thing to have people who really love you, give you the help you need.
Unconditional love and support is all that is needed here. That doesn’t mean gifts or money either…these things cannot be bought. If smoking/drinking isn’t allowed in your home, she must comply just like any other guest would. If she doesn’t like it, then she can go elsewhere and live it up. She’s 18 and wants to act grown, then go be grown 
If she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to act like one. Some kids just feel they are entitled to things. I would not give her 500.00 to waste on alcohol and cigarettes no way. If you want to give her something give her a hundred and put the rest up and when she starts to act like an adult give it to her.
Girl don’t pay mind to any of these negative Karen’s. They wouldn’t know unless they were in your position. Taking it from someone who was a bratty entitled daughter. I only came around my mom because I knew she’d give me money and get me whatever I wanted. Other than that I didn’t care about anything else or what she had to say. I want to do what I wanted to do end of story. It took a hard realization to see that I should’ve not taken it for granted because as an adult she no longer reaches out.
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I wouldn’t give her that much. She’s just going to party with whatever you give her. I can’t rly say anything about the father daughter relationship part bc idk whats gone on, if anything in the past or if it’s just her being a B. If she wants to couch surf, let her. She’ll either figure out how to adult and she’ll be good or she’s going to fall. The only thing I’ll say is, try not to enable her if or when drugs get involved. She seems like trouble waiting to happen tbh. Good luck!
So is no one going to bring up the issue that as soon as she graduates the MOM and STEPDAD have already made plans to downsize and move on. So, before you jump the stepmom with only a small piece of the story, let that part sink in. If you are going to jump to conclusions, then please don’t forget the nice detail that her MOM is moving into an RV…LOL
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Tell her there’s the door,she is blaming her Dad for everything
Something going on in family’s every were
She will come around if money is involved, don’t give in
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Okay I have step children and um no way would I allow them to smoke or drink at 18 sorry my house my rules. As far as the money. I’m not sure how I would feel about that. I mean she is graduating. I understand she never comes around and only does so when she’s getting something I say let him do it. I feel like if she was to move in she could cause more problems. It’s tough being a step parent I know. Just try to talk to your husband about it and make an agreement.
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My little sister and our dad do not have a relationship because of the fact she has no interest in being part of that side of the family and when she was a kid she would only come around if it benefited her … I don’t blame my dad for not wanting to keep that relationship going it’s been 4 years now since she’s been around and we all live in the same town
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I feel she’s still a child, she’s only just turned 18 and when she comes to your house you both have a chat with her about not coming over more often, that’s making her feel uncomfortable. She’s already grown up in a one parent family and has been bounced back and forth from Mom and Dad, cut her some slack, just make her feel welcome anytime, not just birthdays and certain celebrations, all the time.
If it’s about not being allowed drink and smoke if she moves in with you, try doing it with her in a supervised yet relaxed way. She’ll either do it with you guys or she’ll head off with pals and do it there, where there is possibly zero responsibility being taken.
Best of luck to all of you.
That sounds like a typical girl teenager. Just show love and acceptance. Eventually she’ll come around. As far as the graduation present goes, a gift should not have strings attached. He should give her whatever gift he feels is good for her graduation. A gift shouldn’t be dependant on how often she shows up.
I think there is probably way more to the father daughter relationship than we know. My daughter was 8 when her father and I split up. He made bad decisions, wasn’t really around, played daddy to his girlfriends kids while ignoring his own. Then when he would come around he would try to play super dad and argue with her about everything and now she really doesn’t want much of a relationship with him. A girl doesn’t just not want a relationship with her daddy for no reason. He tries now and buys her gifts, but the void is already there for her. Luckily, he has a good woman in his life now that tries to be the voice of reason between them. My daughter would rather have a discussion with her than him most days and she NEVER leaves our kids out of anything! Her gifts will sit at her house in a closet until they are ready to go over there.
I’m a step parent and I think I’d just take a step back. What he chooses to give her as a graduate gift is totally up to him. I wouldn’t give her my money lol
As far as the drinking and smoking. Just make sure she’s aware of the rules of your home should she chose to stay.
You need to step back and let them have their relationship. That’s his daughter and her father anything he wants to do for her is his choice. Anything she’s not comfortable with is her choice. She’s a teenager probably going through alot let them have there space to maintain their relationship and give her time to mature. Of course if your husband comes to your for advice then okay great state your opinion but it sounds like you need to give them space to let them repair THEIR relationship as father and daughter.
U can’t give in to her. Every house has rules. People start to stink after a while u think their gonna keep taking care of her. Stand ur ground. Tough love is hard love but u gotta do it. U give in and it’ll just get worse. What next parties at ur house without ur consent. I know its hard but trust me. Stand ur ground she will come around. Because nobody will take care of some one else’s kid when their old enough to get a job.
She doesn’t owe y’all anything and you don’t really know why she feel unhappy around you’ll — but she is his daughter his child she obviously is too young to understand what’s in her best interest- do the right things and don’t expect to get anything back - she needs help pay her insurance because if you don’t you might have to get her out of real trouble, give her the money and tell her you’re going to be there for her any time she wants - don’t make the relationships worse- between all of you support her 100% support your husband 100% life is too short not too
shes 18!!! when i was 18 i did everything i could to not be home 
give her a break…my dad passed away 3 months before my graduation so please let her have this day and allow him to treat his daughter for graduating
You need to keep your opinion out of their relationship… it a father and daughter relationship nothing yo do with you.
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Three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth.
Take her to get her car inspected and insured. If it’s in your husbands name and something happen where she was in an accident he’s also responsible….
Do you remember being 18? We knew eveything right?
all you can do is support her decisions and be there for her when she does decide to come around. If her dad wants to give her money for graduation so be it. That isn’t your choice. Kids have to learn from their mistakes. I have a friend who moved back in with her parents and she paid “rent” then we she moved out they gave her the money back. Maybe something like that could be worked out between you and your hubby to help teach her a little more responsibility. (They didn’t tell her that)
You two need to grow up. Not giving her things because she doesn’t come around, she’s still his daughter!!! And you’ve already admitted she feels uncomfortable there.
Wanting to withhold gifts because she doesn’t come around is absolutely wrong. If her Dad is comfortable with it, than you should respect that. You don’t have to agree with or like it, but just respect his decision and don’t give him grief about it. Or her.
No wonder she doesn’t come around re read your ridiculous post and by the way its none of your business what he does with his kid or what he gives her.
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Well. Then she is grown up enough to be in her own. I have same problems. Just keep the love unconditional but the money conditional. I give things that I either make or a gift certificate. And appropriate for how she is acting. But the love is there. Let her make the mistakes. Just let her have the rewards good or bad also.
Honestly. I wouldn’t give her money. But as long as she doesn’t smoke INSIDE i wouldn’t see the issue. She’s 18. She’s going to do it no matter what. You should just want her to be in a safe environment when she does.
Shes 18 time to grow the hell up get job and support her own self shes not a child anymore and needs to stop acting like a brat and learn responsibility!you can’t force her to be a part of your life just let her know your there and you love her maybe one day she’ll come around!
There’s got to be a reason why she’s uncomfortable. I highly doubt it has anything to do with not getting a Christmas gift. Check yourself and stop getting in between the two of them. Sounds like you might be why she’s uncomfortable 
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sounds like a confused young female( but my mind is thinking brat) but i don’t know her back story. why won’t she connect with her dad. do you guys have children together. did dad spend much time with her when she was a kid? all those things makes her who she is today
A parents love, time, affection, or financial contribution should not be contingent upon anything. He is the dad and it is his duty to do for her even if she is sometiming. They aren’t friends where what you put in is what you get out. He is the parent and he needs to show that. If your attitude is that he should do the bare minimum for his child financially because she doesn’t put in a certain amount of face time, I understand why she isn’t comfortable in your home.
I can tell most of y’all ain’t step parents, & if you are & can say or feel like these comments then you must not truly love your step kid as your own. I’m 25, my step mom has been with my dad since I was 4, my mom was with with my step dad since 3, till I was 22 & I do believe they have every single right to be just as much a parent to me as my biological ones. My step dad spanked me more then my real dad ever did. & ive fought with my step mom just as much as my real mom. My step mom had rules for me, she enforced not my dad. & my step dad was really strict, more strict then my mom & I can tell y’all I never once thought to myself or said “you can’t tell my what to do because you’re not my real mom/dad” & I do believe any decision my dad made for me, should have been ran by my step mom because they are a couple, because she chose to love me like her own. Biological or not, when a person steps up as a parent figure they should be allowed to make decisions & be apart of the biological parents doings & decisions.
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It sounds like you want to control their relationship and its not your place to do so. That should between him and her and I don’t blame her not wanting to come around especially after the way you have spoken of her and for the job she isn’t even out of high school yet give the child a break. And her home is where she was raised and with whom she was raised and you sound controlling I wouldn’t want to live their either the father needs to stand up for his relationship with her and make his own decisions on what he feels he would like to give her as a gift or what not she shouldn’t have to come around if she isn’t comfortable maybe he could meet her out somewhere and have dinner just the two of them and rebuild their relationship
She is an adult now and can make her own decisions. All y’all can do is be there for her.
However, if she wants nothing to do with her dad and he has tried that’s in her now and I wouldn’t give her things to make her “love me” that’s her just using him. Sorry
Let dad have his relationship with her how he feels fit and you work on becoming her friend. As she matures, she’ll realize dad is more than a bank but as a step parent, we don’t get to decide how their relationship works. Just my two cents
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Spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful. You’re right to be frustrated as she doesn’t deserve squat from her behavior.
She is still in High School, bottom line. She is a child (regardless of the fact she just turned 18). He is her father, the parent, the adult. It is up to him to VISIT HIS CHILD, not expect her to come to him. It is up to him to make allowances for his child, who is doing nothing more than acting like a CHILD. It sounds like maybe you and dad don’t get it.
Most 15-18 year olds want nothing to do with their parents except when it benefits them. They are selfish and emotionally unintelligent. You know, like a CHILD?? Don’t act like her.
It sounds to me like you need to let Dad parent her how he deems necessary and butt out.
I know that must be difficult, considering you share finances, the home, etc., but you agreed to all of this when you married a man with kids. Now it’s time to live with your decision and let your husband parent his daughter.
It’s his daughter. Seeing her or not, getting along with her or not, nothing changes that. She is now an adult and can do as she pleases. It’s ok to set ground rules if she decides to live there but there has to be a mutual respect. I’m sure there is more to the story of her relationship with her father than the context of this post. Let her and her father work it out. Support him but don’t over involve yourself. Just my two cents.
She’s 18 and is going through a major life change. Cut her some slack and don’t take it personal. You all have to meet her where she is at. Even if that means literally meeting her out at an event or gathering to spend time and feel supported enough to want to spend more time at your home. Ask her how you all can make her feel more comfortable and try to reach a happy medium
Obviously there’s some tension between you and her (maybe even with her dad too). Instead of thinking of ways to punish her for not wanting to be there (great way to push her away even more) just let her know you love her and include her. I bet she will appreciate the effort even if she doesn’t come around more. Also don’t over step your boundaries, it’s not your choice on what your husband gifts his daughter. Don’t be the evil step mother.
She deserves graduation money, and its his chuld. Let him choose. As far as smoking and drinking in the home, i agree. Stand your ground. In arizona you cant even legally drink or smoke until you’re 21. As far as her visiting dont force her to do anything, its only going to drive her away
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Not posting it on social media might help?
As difficult as parenting is at times especially that age , I think doing this will only make it worse.
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Wow I didn’t realize how many spoiled and entitled grownups there are in this group. I had to make my own way even tho my parents have money. Worked since I was 11 because I wanted to and my parents instilled the value of hardwork in me. I love them and appreciate them more for it. I can the problem with kids today has a lot to do with their parents not properly raising them.
She has bigger problems than you and yours. First, even though I went out with friends and drank before 18, I didn’t drink at home. I was never allowed to smoke in my house. If drinking and smoking are her priorities at 17, she has alot more going on than you know. Dad’s relationship with her is transactional, she reciprocates. Glad to see "step mom " doesn’t have a decent relationship with her either.
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Her not coming around doesn’t change he is her dad… Him giving her a gift is not to buy or pay for her time 
. She needs to jump through your hoops to get something from her dad… Seems like maybe that is the problem. The gift, the party the whatever is for graduating, which she is doing, not be cause she makes step mommy dearest happy 
. Now she’s an adult, and the having to see a parent isn’t something they have to do. Rare is the child who doesn’t want to see a good parent. It’s easy to look from the outside, and say well he is was a good dad… Something broke that down, and though y’all might be past it, she might not.
From my own experience this is jealously. She is jealous over the time that her daddy spend with you with the other siblings, with other people period. If her daddy wants to give her money for graduation then by all means do it. What would probably mean more to her is that her dad shows up to where she is unannounced to surprise her and spend one on one time with her, just her and him.
When you marry someone who has children you get the whole package. I did 52 years ago and have loved his first two as my own and they know it. We don’t see them much but they know they are loved by 4 parents.
Does she have to come around? Has the dad tried spending time with her outside of his home? I wouldn’t want to be there either if I were her reading this.
Sorry but you don’t get to have an opinion on this. You can have all the thoughts in the world. Your opinions are irrelevant. And I suspect your husband, the child’s mother and very much the daughter would be appalled to know you put this out there as your problem…
That’s overpaying your role just a little. She’s not your child and she has expressed that she is not comfortable staying with you. And not for nothing but it is evident why… sorry but you did ask.
You complaining to the girls father about giving her $500 for graduation would do it for me. And thinking that you get to dictate how she should or shouldn’t live would be a huge factor.
You need to allow the child’s parents to make those decisions.
No offense but she sounds like an entitled brat.
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I think you should be giving her a gift whether she comes around or not because you love her…gift giving is not circumstantial…
She sounds like a brat! I’d be the same as you 
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Why is it down to her to go round? Why can’t her dad go and see her? Also she’s a teenager and the fact that she doesn’t feel comfortable in your house means that you and her dad have made her feel that way, I’d work on repairing what you 2 have done to her and if her dad wants to spend money on her you shouldn’t be stopping him, you shouldn’t be doing this! My stepmum made me feel uncomfortable, wouldn’t let my dad come see me etc, now I don’t talk to him at all and haven’t seen him for years
Coming from experience, don’t assume to know the entire story of what happened between your husband and his daughter. She obviously has some unresolved issues with him and he needs to either talk it out with her if she’s willing, or just give her time to resolve her own feelings first. Don’t push it, judge it, or hold it against her. You don’t know how she feels and she’ll just resent you even more if you accuse her of being the problem. Be grateful she is setting her own boundaries and not staying with you bcuz she chooses a lifestyle she knows is not allowed in your home. She’s an adult and all she needs now is help becoming one.
My step daughter is now 26 she has been in my life since she was 6 an the teen age years were extremely hard are relationship was pretty much non existent an in my heart she has always been my daughter you will never come between her an her father an she may feel or know u disagree with him on things concerning her an it makes her uncomfortable my advice is back off let him do what he feels he needs to an wants to 18 an graduation is huge an he wants her to know it’s huge there isn’t anything wrong with that I know have an unbreakable beautiful relationship with my daughter an please don’t call her ur step child my daughter told me it was very hurtful an made her feel less than good luck an know these years are really not easy for her it does get better maybe try an grow a relationship with her she may come around more an open up
SD is straight up manipulating. If you allow her to move in, then make sure you have solid documented ground rules. And she breaks them? Bye. Dad guilt is a thing, unfortunately. It’s hard to watch.
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She’s also a teenager.
That’s also his daughter. He should be doing anything and everything for her anyways…
I don’t really see my step daughter but I still send her gifts here and there. Even though she won’t talk to us all the time either.
If he wants to gift her money, let him. Its his daughter. Hell my oldest kids are 13, 13 and 10 and they dont want to hang out with me either. Instead of havijg access arrangements like shes a child yet expecting her to get a job like an adult, try telling dad to catch up for coffee or dinner every fortnight. Don’t be bitter about what has been happening, that’s all water under the bridge because its his daughter and their relationship. You don’t need to be involved at this age if you don’t want to be but he is her father forever so while she may be going through that ugly, selfish teen phase - please help him preserve what he can.
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I have been in your shoes 4 times fold… With that being said she needs to figure it out on her own, you have offered her a place with rules as stand she can take it or leave it. Don’t beat yourselves up about it.
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When I was a teenager and I used to go and visit my grandparents, they would always comment and complain on how long it had been since I last went. That put me off going and eventually I pretty much stopped and dreaded it when I did have to go for some reason. I think if she doesn’t come round much you need to look at yourself and your behaviour as to why xx
I know it hurts but it will be okay, she may be confused with her feelings so just love her unconditionally please
Stop having so much hate for the daughter. If I sense it I’m sure she does to.
Furthmore this is actually quit NORMAL for a female teen. Imagine if the table was turned? Would you be the perfect child you want?
Take the days she does come over with grace, don’t be over excited to make her comfortable, it’s most likely a mental form of comfort. Not that your not providing enough. Maybe consider a movie night out for her and dad only. Then perhaps you can find something to do with her on a common ground. Little steps make big waves!
Y’all seem to forget that she is his WIFE! And I’m pretty sure once you get married you make the decisions TOGETHER! He wants to give $500 to an 18 year old ADULT that can’t even be responsible enough to work and pay for her own car. I’m sorry but I have been working since I was 14, still in high school. She is 18 years old and has a car that she can’t work to pay insurance for? This woman came for advice NOT to be told she is the problem. I get some advice can be not what she wants to hear and we all have opinions but you can’t really say what you would do until you are in her exact position. Sounds like the daughter is making excuses by saying she feels uncomfortable when it really sounds like she doesn’t want to follow the rules. It’s not just his house but HER house too. How can some of you say that she’s wrong for that? I mean if she isn’t allowed to have a say as his wife because it’s his kid, then what is the point of her even being there?
My son’s father tried to do the same thing…promised to give him this and that with the stipulation that he came to visit. He’s always been the type of parent to use money or gifts to manipulate our son then would take them back when he didn’t get his way. Guess what it did…pushed our son further away! She is 18, she has a life and friends, and all that I’m hearing is that y’all want to “punish” her for not coming around as often as she should. I don’t know how long you’ve been in her life but it sounds like there is some reevaluating that needs to be done.
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My partner goes around my kids for important events or holidays. Mostly just Christmas. He is not their dad, they have one. I do with my adult kids and for my adult kids as I wish. He ask if I’ve visited, if I’ve spoken to them, everyone ok, and are you making plans to visit soon? He’s hands off.
My kids new step mom was blowing up their phones, text, etc. My daughters finally told her they have a mom and they only need to be around each other on events. She is with their dad, for their dad, and that relationship is separate from their relationship with him.
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if she’s an adult and doesn’t want to live with either parent because it’s their house and their rules than maybe getting a job and trying it out for herself in the real world will give her a reality check as for the graduation gift I say give it to her she earned it she graduated maybe that’ll help her get plates and insurance on her car so she’s not driving around illegal. And she’s 18 it’s the age we’re most teens don’t exist at home either because school activities, friends, who knows maybe inviting her over for a cookout or dinner will make her feel included and maybe she’ll come around just a little more
his child, his decision. your house, your rules. support him in his desire to have a relationship. dad, keep on trying. don’t stoop to a child’s level and be petty. we don’t know really how or why she is doing what she’s doing. give her gifts because you love her- no strings attached. just love and gifts, even if from afar. dad, I would put your love for her on paper so she always has the words, completely straight with no spin. do the right thing on your end. that’s all you can do.
Teenage years are so hard for girls, let alone going back and forth between divorced parents. I hate that he held back presents. Anytime she visits would be a time to tell her you love her no matter what. She’s going to make mistakes, like drinking and smoking. It may be a coping mechanism. She needs her Dad, so very much. You should be her friend, not the wicked stepmother. I have 3 step sons. I have always given them lots of room to be themselves without policing every move they make. Please give this girl lots of love, compassion and faith, even if it’s difficult.
I’m sorry I think you are wrong. It’s ok to feel like you wish she was in your husbands life more and it’s ok to feel like you wish she wanted to be a part of your lives more. That’s all fair. But he should still be encouraged to reach out on his own to her and to do things for her just because he is her dad. It doesnt matter how long she doesnt speak to him, he is still her dad. A child is for life. All he can do is keep doing what he thinks is best and if he feels like giving her gifts because he is proud of her and he loves her then that should be encouraged.
At the end of his days I dont think he will ever say oh darn I did too much for my child.
But I hope someday she comes around and you get the relationship ship you hope for
You should really be encouraging your husband to be the best father and person he can be, not discouraging him from having a relationship with his daughter. Withholding gifts from milestones for not visiting is petty. Encourage him to have a one on one chat with her about what you all can do to feel comfortable, find middle ground. Grudges cannot be held for her not coming around more often, if she comes she’s trying and being reminded or being weird about her being there suddenly is probably not helping. I’d say start fresh and forget about the past. She’s going to be adult, don’t want to lose her for life.
Was she coming around before 15 or was 15 just when it started too.?
If she wasn’t around before 15 that’s a big adjustment to begin with.
If it was after 15 that’s a crazy age. I use to always fight with my parents & I’d stay with one for a while cause I was upset with the other.
Her graduation is a big deal if he doesn’t be the parent & adult & involve himself that’ll drive her further away. Just because she’s pulling away doesn’t mean he should just give up on her.
Teenagers are worse now than even a few years ago when I was one. You can’t just write her off because she’s not always around. Be a safe place for her no matter what.
When it comes to kids I feel like sometimes you have to bite the bullet. & be the one to push sometime. The people who didn’t push more to be in my life when I was upset are not in my life I just lost interest in trying back.
I do not agree w holding her graduation money. No! I also still would have bought the child a Christmas. There’s nothing wrong w him paying for the grad party either. She’s a senior and things have been horrible w covid. Lucky she gets to have the party at all. Let them be kids while they till can. I get the not wanting her to drink but the smoking . She’s of age. If u don’t like seeing it make her smoke outside. The thing ab being uncomfortable. Could it be that she has some issues w the step mom? How long have y’all been together. She may blame the Christmas thing on u. I don’t think it’s just the drinking and smoking.
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What kid at that age doesn’t drift away from family. She’s growing and trying to find her way. IMO she was first and his and her relationship is just that. His and hers…
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I told my kids when they were that age, “I always love you. I may not like what you are doing (your actions), but I always love YOU” and once they were older and moved out I told them, “If you ever need a place to stay, you are always welcome here - dont ever feel like you dont have a place to go.”
Gifts… my kids dont always make the holidays. My son either shows up at the end when everyone is leaving or not at all. But thats him and how he rolls - a free spirit. I dont hold back a gift for him or not get him something as punishment. He can pick it up later - his actions dont rule my world or hurt my feelings. Its how he is programmed and its hard for him to conform to the traditional rules of society that are so engrained in how we “should” live.
Suggest to your husband to use part of the $500 to pay on her car bills - Sometimes the best gift is paying a bill for them (tags & insurance).
The great news is she graduated!
For some teens, there is a natural pulling away at that age.
My stepdaughter actually moved in with us for nearly 2 months when she was flunking out of school - she came to us! She got back on track then moved back in with her mom who had no rules, but she graduated so we were thankful. 17 years later she thanked us and told us she appreciated what what we did for her. 
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Lol she needs a reality check. She should be working and on track to live on her own soon. Life isn’t about smoking, drinking and partying. Does she not have an idea of what she wants for her future?
Well she is 18 and coming into her own…getting ready to graduate…can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do…I can understand why dad didn’t get her anything for Christmas haven’t seen or spoke to his daughter in 6 months…why buy something if you have no idea when she would be around… Him wanting to give his child money I don’t think is really your choice, I mean you and her father can have a talk about it but at the end of the day he is her father and if that is what he wants to do then so be it…maybe instead of handing over the 500.00 use that money to get her car up and going again and give her the rest…as for her not wanting to live with either parent I guess that is her choice to make,just let her know that she is welcomed to live with you guys but there needs to be set boundaries and guidelines…encourage her or have her father encourage her to get a job…she is young and still finding her way in life… if her father keeps trying to be in her life and try to do things for her then good on him at least he can say he tried to be a part of her life…like I said before you can’t force relationships takes time to work and build them…
Have YOU tried to have a relationship with her? Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with her dad. Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with you. Idk your situation so I can’t really speak on it, but maybe the both of you should try these things if you haven’t already.
I guess my issue with this all is she hasn’t come around since she is 15 because she says she isn’t comfortable at their house. Why does she not feel comfortable? I would say dad needs to have a 1 on 1 talk with his daughter to see why she doesn’t feel comfortable. That definitely should have been a talk between dad and her and maybe even her mom when she was 15. Because as a parent if either of my kids came to me at any age and said they weren’t comfortable at the other parents house I’m investigating and figuring out why. And withholding gifts for bday and Xmas is childish. Maybe don’t go all out but don’t withhold gifts.
She is graduated. She is on her own. When they come and compound her car. Tell suck it up buttercup this is the way you want it. How can she aford cigarettes if she is not working. ??