I don’t think it is up to you to say he can’t give her 500 for her graduation. She has reached an accomplishment and he is proud of her that’s his choice to reward her. Sounds like you might be a part of the reason she feels uncomfortable.
Also, she graduated. Which means she has been in high-school…she doesn’t need to work while in school. That is probably a decision her and her parents came to.
It’s not your business what he give his daughter. Sounds like you don’t like sharing her dad. Perhaps she’d like to see her dad, JUST HIM. Good grief. Kids first, secondary spouse…is just that! Stay in your lane.
Hold on… your husband didn’t get his own child who is still in high school Christmas presents? That’s petty and a good way to make her not want to be around you guys more.
I stopped reading at he decided not to get her anything for Christmas.
It’s so hard to still show love to someone who won’t show it back. I’m not sure where her side of the story is coming from. If you and your husband want to gift her something, because you love her, then do it. Gifting is done with the intention of not receiving something in return. She will eventually come around as she matures, and if she doesn’t, at least your husband won’t have any regrets that he didn’t love her enough to show her affection or trying to show her that she still matters to him. That goes for anything, not just gift giving. Phone calls, cards, letters (or, heavens, even email).
Have y’all lost yalls damn mind. She never comes around unless there is money involved. Sounds like a parenting problem number one. Number two her mom and stepdad are moving to the lake and she’s not living there because she can’t get her way she doesn’t have a job and her car’s tags are expired. Sounds like Daddy needs to put his foot down and explain what being an adult is or she can get a place with a roommate that’s willing to put up with her s***
Keep being good parents and don’t pressure her to be at home. Don’t punish her for not coming. She will come around. Keep a space for her.
I don’t think y’all get it. He’s called her for a whole week to gift her 500 for graduation and she won’t even answer. I would put the money in savings. All he has asked is for her to come around and she won’t. She seems to only come around to get something. Why would he spend a bunch of money on her for Christmas when he dk if he will even see her. She’s obviously spoiled and doesn’t appreciate anything. Look at the car situation. I don’t blame them. Im sure y’all have some great stepkids but if this was your child/ stepchild I would hope that you wouldn’t condone that behavior.
Don’t get in between what he wants to do with his child, but definitely don’t let her stay permanently either. She sounds like a handful or twelve.
Sounds like he needs to work on a relationship with her, you can’t do the work for him. And, she’s an adult making very real decisions about her life now. You/ her dad can offer guidance respectfully, but it is completely valid for her to make her own choices. You can’t force a relationship but you can demonstrate mutual respect.
It’s not up to her to make the effort 
what the fuck is wrong with parents??? Imma just say this once:
IF YOUR KID DOESNT COME AROUND ITS 100% YOUR FAULT AS THE PARENT.
It’s not up to your kids to make the effort to have a relationship with you cmon. DAD MAKES THE EFFORT TO DO THINGS WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND ITS NOT UP TO YOU TO MAKE DECISIONS REGARDING THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
Maybe use the grad money on getting her car registered and insured and if there’s money leftover then make her a nice room if she doesn’t come it’s a guest room… as far as the drinking and smoking if she wants to be an adult so bad then she can drink and smoke after she gets a job and pays rent
Yikes! You’re overstepping big time. It’s not your decision what he gives his child. I can see why she would be uncomfortable at your house. I was uncomfortable for her just reading this. Sounds like you’re the issue here. My oldest is 19 (almost 20) she’s not my husband biological daughter. There’s not the slightest chance he would ever dictate what I give her or how much I give her. Shame on you as a “step parent” that you’re knowing have her drive around with no insurance and expired tags. Do better, treat her better. Step parents like you give step parents a bad rap. Shameful.
She sounds like a ungrateful, spoiled, money loving brat. I’d stop trying to, she don’t come around… she don’t come around. But I wouldn’t be being “used” either, for large gifts and money. Sorry nope. That’s so rude and disrespectful.
I would take her to get her tags and registration fixed for graduation so the money won’t go to smoke and drinks.
And her gift is a legal car to drive around in. As far as the rest. Step mom don’t really get much say. If it’s dads money and dad wants to gift his daughter then he can do so.
You have room to be upset about some of this but a lot of it … it’s just not your place.
And speaking the way you do makes me think she’s uncomfortable around you because you have something against her, or at least it seems that way. He was her dad first and she thinks you have come in and taken over … She’s not your child and she won’t make the choices you want her to… you can’t really stop that and be a good step mom at the same time
What you can do is have a one on one talk and maybe try to give advice and see why she drinks and smokes
Why she really don’t wanna come around and let her know your speaking to her as a human, not a mother.
Let her know if you need to just vent or anything she can always come to you and YOU WILL be understanding and not a parent if that makes sense
Try to give her the advice you would want if you was wearing her shoes
First off - screw all of these women telling you you’re a terrible stepmom. If your partner is asking your input & advice in this situation, you are more than okay to have that opinion and share it. You are not a terrible stepmom.
I think the issue in the situation may be you. You probably need to take a step back and not interfere in their relationship. Have you only been in the picture since she was 15? If so, you probably aren’t a Motherly figure to her yet and may never be. Just let your husband figure it out. The gifts that he chooses to give her should also not be determined based on whether or not she comes around.
It’s sounds like at some point the two of you damaged the relationship with her and now do things conditionally and make it stressful when she is around.
Stick to your guns sounds like she is spoiled and needs to grow up
Stay in your lane step parent. You haven’t been around long enough and to not get her something for Christmas because she wasn’t coming around way to show who the child is… I don’t blame her one bit. And yes he should and better still give her that graduation party and gift!!! I don’t see how she’s required to hold a job she’s barely graduating high school now of she was a graduate from high school and not in college and still not working and refuses to work and refuses to do housework then okay I could understand you being petty but this, she’s his child. Period.
Love her when she’s around and not around… Thats her decision. You’re lucky she even voiced that she feels uncomfortable. Maybe take time to do some self introspection versus just blaming her for not coming around.
She doesnt “come around” bc she is uncomfortable around you. If her father wants to give her 500, then she should get that 500. Period.
Gifts shouldn’t be given with strings attached.
Wow, you’re the type of step mother who deserves all the hate. 
“She’s not here so don’t get her a gift”… when she is probably not around because of you.
Sounds a little like jelousy tbh. its still his daughter. She’s grown she can come and go as she pleases.
She’s still young and comes from a broken family, then her Dad doesn’t get her a Christmas gift.
Does anyone help her with understanding about cars etc
It’s not really your place to decide if the amount of money is appropriate or not. She’s graduating and that’s his child, he had her long before he met you and tbh the drinking and smoking thing is like… idk she’s 18 and she’s going to drink and smoke whether you guys like it or not i think dad would prefer it in the home so he knows she’s safe and not drunk in a ditch or getting raped…
At 18 years old, I would have rather been out with friends than home with my parents BUT going 6 months without talking sounds pretty bad. Rules are fine, like not smoking or drinking in your home, but I have to wonder why she would never call him or respond to his calls, just as a father. I’m sure there’s so much more to this story.
Plus it sounds like money & gifts are used as a way to bribe or control her & that’s never going to work.
Parenting young adults is more difficult than toddlers. She is making her own choices, which seem to be poor. Do not bend over backwards. She is entitled and doesn’t appreciate UT. Give her a $50 gift for graduation…put the rest aside to give her later if she changes her attitude.
Personally my husband and I feel the same way. You have to have a relationship with us, especially the siblings, otherwise you will not use us. Our house we have the fun stuff and go and do a bunch of stuff. At the HCBM house she doesn’t. She claims he doesn’t want a relationship with us but he does and is fine when he is at our house. He is 13 now. We told him this exactly so it isn’t a surprise. We do not smoke nor drink either so that as well wouldn’t be welcome in our house. Not even to bring it into during visits (siblings a lot younger than him). I personally wouldn’t have done anything for graduation with not being a part of her life. We have already told the HCBM no multiple times for her keeping him away from us as she has in the past (current new court order).
What he wants to do with his child is not your business. That’s a relationship land mine. I stayed away from anything pertaining to the kids besides regular step mom stuff… this is stepping over a boundary. She’s 18 now, but this is his LAST childhood thing he has left to do with his daughter… and if she ruins the memory, fine… if YOU ruin the memory your husband will resent you for it. His kid, I’d let him handle everything unless 1- she directly disrespected me, or 2- she’s doing something potentially dangerous to herself or others. (Life threatening, not like smoking a joint lol)
Let her be responsible for her own choices. Love her and try to guide her but she is at an age where she needs to find out what taking responsibility means. If she is making good choices then, by all means, help her but don’t enable her. Growing up is HARD!
I also think she sounds like an entitled brat. She only comes around when it’s time to cash in. I had a job in high school, why shouldn’t she? I’m sure it hurts her father deeply that she only comes around when it’s time for gifts
As a parent and a step parent also coming from someone who comes from a split home when I was 18 I just wanted to be on my own and to be honest I learned the hard way that supporting myself want easy. She sounds like a typical 18 year old who is legally and adult but still learning to be an adult. I don’t think it’s right that his daughter only comes around to collect her gifts and chooses to not come around any other time. With that I wouldn’t not get her gifts maybe not something as extravagant but I would still get her at least a small gift. Graduation is a big deal and if he wants to gift her something like that then support your partner even if you don’t agree with her actions at least your partner will feel like he tried. In the end if there isn’t a relationship there it will because she didn’t want it not you guys. She’s going to make her own choices at this point so let her she will learn. Her moving into your home is something you and yours partner will need to work out. When you rent a room to someone you expect them to follow the rules and agreements. Just because she is your guys child doesn’t mean she isn’t going to have to learn to follow rules most apartment complexes do not allow smoking in the unit as for drinking I guess it depends on your views and the rules of your home. This age is hard for you and for her just be there when you can and let her choose how she responds.
Ah the joys of stepdaughters and their Dads! I say that only half jokingly, because I have 3 stepdaughters who came into my life 26 years ago at ages 8, 12 & 14 and the joys did come - but first it meant hard work and huge learning curves for me! If parenting were an Olympic sport, step parenting would have to be the routine with a very high degree of difficulty because as you are discovering, and as I realised with dread, the emotional intelligence and maturity and endless patience required of you to navigate the complexities of the relationships not just with the young ones but also with your partner as a Dad is at Elite level. I could honestly fill a book with my dramas but my number one bit of advice - if you love your partner and you know he loves you back - You must help him all you can to win her love and trust, and number two - you must constantly be prepared to build your own relationship with her. It won’t always work or be appreciated but it’s so important to rise above any setbacks and keep showing the love. Trust me and good luck x
You want an 18 year old girl to spend 11-5 every Saturday with her dad and step mom. I don’t mean to sound cruel but this is totally laughable. Teens from broken homes normally don’t feel comfortable or wanted anywhere. And I know many kids who feel like their parents don’t love them and use them for monetary gifts. Her feelings are valid and as an adult in her life I would ask myself how I may have contributed to the issues she is currently having, including those with drugs and alcohol.
I think a lot of these posters need to imagine if it was their own biological child because I don’t think they’d even be asking the questions that they do… of course she should have gotten a Christmas present. Of course she should get a graduation gift and of course your door should always be open for her.
She’s 18 old enough to make her own life choices, you booking in a time and day is ridiculous, she would be able to walk in the front door without calling first or letting u know she’s coming. All of my children know the open house policy! Open the door and walk right in. Don’t pressure her maybe she wants time to chat to her dad and be with him by herself. “Making” her visit will push her away. She is making her journey in life let her be she will return when she’s ready. Calm down 
also try and remember what you were like at her age did u want to be around parents or out with ur mates 
Buying her time…is horrid.
It’s the parents responsibility to maintain the relationship with their children. Obviously there is a reason. Just let him be a damn Dad. Good grief.
You’re clearly a STEP mom, so follow the title and step tf back.
She’s a kid. Most go thru that. She’s still his daughter. She’ll come around. Don’t take it personal.
If she can’t abide by the rules at your house, then she can’t come live there. It’s illegal for her to be drinking at that age anyway. The smoking age in AL is 19, so she wouldn’t be legally allowed to do that either.
So, she doesn’t have a job, but wants to be able to drink and smoke at y’all’s house?
Nope. Bye.
The 18 year old needs to grow up and get a job.
Honeslty the money thing might not be your place , BUT y’all can make a set of rules about the drinking n smoking. Such as you “we don’t care if you do but it won’t be done here / no parties / later curphew / etc. “ kinda like a middle ground but still being in charge
It sounds like you’re overstepping in this case. If she’s saying she’s not comfortable then there is more behind that. As a step parent who has an opinion about her graduation gift maybe you should have had one about Christmas as well. You can’t just count this kid out because you don’t like her behavior. If she’s truly that bad with gifts and the money aspect, maybe use that money to get her car straightened out. She’s still young to push these kinds of consequences and she will continue to not come around because it really sounds like you’re helping her feel not wanted.
I couldn’t imagine not getting my child a Christmas gift…how do you think she felt
I can tell you very left out…no wonder she doesn’t feel comfortable around your place…to many conditions for you and her dad’s love…she’s not some 5th cousin that you never see this is his daughter…sounds like you two should learn to love without with holding
You need to remember who the parent is. You are so wrong to do this. $500 is too much? You sound like a jealous stepmother. You are trying to make demands on another human being. I can see why she’s uncomfortable around you based on just what you’ve posted
I’ve always had the mentality that it’s the parents job to reach out and work harder to repair a damaged relationship with a child. Yes she’s 18 now, which is legally considered an adult. As most of us know from experience, 18 year old are still kids. Their still maturing and their brains are still developing. I wouldn’t have the same expectations from an 18 year old that I’d have from a 30 year old, or even a 25 year old. I get the concern over her not having a job of some sort—I think it’s important to learn responsibility by working at least a summer job in high school. To me, it sounds like there’s more to the story. There’s obviously some animosity between them for some reason. Teenagers are tough, they’re trying to be independent yet are still not full on adults that have the ability to make choices with the soundest judgement. They still need parents, and they still need to know they’re loved no matter what. If I were the daughter, I’d be extremely hurt I didn’t get Christmas gifts from one of my parents. Especially as punishment for not coming around. If my child didn’t want to come over and spend time with me, I would be worried and sad, and do whatever I could to get to the bottom of it. I’d be doing whatever I could to show her she’s loved and important to me, no matter how often she comes around or how much attitude she has. Kids that need the most love tend to show it in the most unloving ways. I try to approach most situations from a place of love and concern, especially when kids are involved. She might be a brat, we don’t know. But does it matter? Should she not be shown as much love and acceptance as a child that’s not a brat? Material things like cars and presents don’t replace things like heart to heart talks, family dinners, and quality time. It sounds like the Dad and step mom are trying to use material things as a way to show they love her—but if the daughter doesn’t feel loved, then no amount of gifts they give will matter. Gift giving doesn’t equal good parenting. Christmas gifts are important IMO, not for the material value, but because it’s a holiday that most people understand that those gifts are given with love. I get that holidays are more important to some than others, the bottom line being that if it’s something that hurt the daughter, neither parent gets to decide it didn’t because they don’t think it should. I think therapy would be a good idea if she will go, and maybe the parents need to be the ones to hold up the white flag and say hey, let’s try to put the past behind us and start building a better relationship going forward. I’ve found with my kids if I voice my rules from a place of care and concern, and explain the reasons behind them, they take it better. It doesn’t need to turn into a rebellious thing that way. They should let her know they’re concerned about her not having a job, because they worry about her not being able to be financially stable now that she’s out of school. Same with the drinking and smoking—tell her they care about her health and it’s a house rule no smoking. It’s not good for her to do it, and drinking can lead to bad choices and they want to protect her from that. They’re sending the same message, just a different approach. Show her some respect regardless if she shows you any. I’m willing to bet if she felt loved and respected, she would start showing the same in return. Either way, it’s the parents job to model that behavior. Talk to her and ask her what would make her more willing and comfortable being at their house? Don’t just assume you’ve done everything to make her comfortable, because that’s the parents perspective. If she felt comfortable and welcome, she would come around more often. More love and genuine care and concern would help a lot in this situation, IMO. Good luck! Teenagers are tough, but they grow and mature into adults that usually look back and apologize for their teen years lol. I did anyway lol.
Her dad should be able to give her a gift without being gaslit into not doing it simply because she doesn’t come around.
Shes still the daughter and HE is the dad. You have no position to tell him what he can and can not do for her :-/ it’s OK to have rules in your home but your acting like she should earn him doing stuff for her. Its his KID
Been there. Step back, supporr your husband (even if you think it’s going to kill you!) Let HIM decide he’s had enough. Otherwise, uour marriage will suffer and he will likely resent you.
Shes uncomfortable for a reason. Your child is your child no matter what. Ask yourself WHY she doesn’t come around. You def don’t withhold gifts from a child, because they are too uncomfortable to come around. At 18, she’s still practically a child. Id like to hear her side of the story. If he bails on things with her graduation, she will never forget that and will further divide you all.
I’m sorry- my dad raised 3 kids that are not his… and he gave us each a graduation gift. He still raises us when we need it. (I’m the baby and I’m 29)
Having a child is a LIFE LONG commitment. It doesnt end at 18. And it doesnt matter if they visit. Maybe he should take just her out to eat- without you. She deserves some alone time with her dad.
Huney, take a deep breath. You see your husband hurting and you hurt too. She sounds like a typical teenager. My daughter is 22 so I totally get it. Tell her she can come but no drinking or smoking inside. Better to be home if she drinks than on the road. Maybe she just feels in between stages in life. Don’t hold back gifting her. She is still his lil girl and it’s important to him. Just be there for him. Praying one day yall can maybe just sit and talk and encourage her no matter what. She may have a self esteem issue. Maybe you and her can go for lunch and really talk. Tell her how important she is in her dad and your life. Its gonna be ok.
Whether she is in high school or not, that girl needs some form of responsibility! I do not believe the whole “she is in school, so no job” bullshit. I know plenty of high school kids that work. My 18 year old stepson works his ass off, has two vehicles that he pays for repairs and when he graduates this year he will have his own bills (insurance and phone), but I will absolutely not charge rent. I would rather have him at home than living in a sketchy apartment, in which I would continually worry about his safety. Yes, he smokes cigarettes which I am not fond of but I only encourage him to quit smoking.
As far as the graduation gift and living in your house, if your husband wants to do that for her so be it. If she is ungrateful, disrespectful, and lazy than it is time to lay down the rules and stipulations because you are the parents. Who knows? Maybe you two will become closer and she will respect you more for it, don’t give up on everything yet.
I didn’t know being his daughter has conditions. That’s sad that plain decent parenting isn’t a thing. I would move heaven and earth to provide for my kid and if I wanted to do something and the step dad told me no I’d be going out the door with my kid …
This is harsh but she is 18 and needs to learn to be a adult. I wouldn’t give her anymore just your love and support. It seems to me she is just being a brat. I understand your husband’s feelings of giving her money but it won’t matter. I suggest you let her figure it out on her own. Always let her know you are there for her . I am saying this from my own experience of being that daughter
(me), having that daughter
(mine) and now raising another daughter (step). Kid’s need a little harsh reality to life sometimes to get a clue.
I think maybe you’re the problem and this is why she feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want to visit the sound of disdain when you mention her says it all for me
You expect too much as well she’s in high school and you expect her to work? Loves unconditional seems too me she’s figured out with you it’s conditional
He should always be there for her I remember times in my life I pushed my family away and acted ungrateful she’s only 18. Graduation is a big mile stone and if that’s what he chose and not what she demanded or asked for I don’t see anything wrong with it. Hopefully when she matures more she will be grateful and realize how she has been towards him and want to fix it.
Don’t pay here to graduate thats not the reward the reward is her achievements by graduating. You have done paid everything for her up to her graduation . Student trips, lunches, special tools for her classes and the list goes on im sure your husband has paid child support also . Its time for people to realize graduating is there achievements not the parents and now its time for the young adults to go on and better themselves
Normal behavior for that age. I did the same stupid stuff at her age. Except I always had a job.
She’s an adult let her sink or swim.
Give her the gift bc its a gift for the milestone and be ready to give the same amount for all the kids in the family.
Smoking and drinking doesn’t make her cool. She can start by understanding that. It will damage her organs and nice teeth. Just give her $500 and start a better relationship there. It looks like she needs LOVE more than material. Also love from YOU. Talk to her and ask her what she expect from you as a stepmom and you can make peace and start a new relationship with her. Maybe she is depressed or something. Always talk and try to fix any problems within the family.
Sounds like shes at the age where you cant throw things at her. He needs time with her alone to talk and sort things out. Consider it a daddy daughter date if hes really that interested. Shes at that age where he will never hear from her again if he dosent step it up now…time with her dad is what she needs is my guess.
I think the girl is an ungrateful, self centered, manipulative, user and doesn’t deserve a dime of their money whenever she cnt even make time for them and wants to act grown but refuses to get a job. Hell nah
Regardless of how you feel this is HIS child and he should there for every milestone in her life no matter what!!!
I have never given a gift to one of my children and expected anything in return. 18 yr olds are self centered and usually consumed in their own dramatic lives. It gets better when they hit about 24.
At 18 years of age, she is NOT a child. Let her dad give whatever he wants to give her. As for where she wants to live, she can stay with you guys if she follows YOUR RULES. Otherwise, she can figure something out
Its his choice since its his daughter but she obviously only wants to come around for money. I wouldn’t want to give her any either. I also wouldn’t let her smoke or drink in my house at 18 either.
First of all just because she doesn’t come around he still should have gotten her Christmas presents that still his child. Secondly if he wanted to give her money that’s his child and his business not yours. Thirdly, I dont see the big deal with her smoking if you don’t want it done in the house then tell her that and make her go outside, and I would rather my kids drink at home at 18 rather than at parties trying to get Into a bar and something happening. Shes an adult and the two of you should be ashamed I wouldn’t want to come there either.
sounds like you’ve been giving her a lot of stuff she didn’t ask for and then you’re getting angry because she wasn’t appreciative. i see what you’re trying to do. but you can’t buy her love and you need to work on fostering a relationship and repairing whatever caused this rift.
“ she doesn’t want to see us . So she isn’t deserving of nice things.” Basically makes sense . I wouldn’t come around either . Probably stays with the other parent who doesn’t give / take based on what they get .
Sounds like a problem with their relationship as father and daughter. If she isn’t comfortable you can’t pay her to be
Sounds (a little) like the Prodigal Son story. Welcome her with open arms in her time showering her with love but house rules. Don’t hold back love and it will work out. She sounds like a kid suffering from a broken home. Love goes a long way. Don’t hold it back from her in whatever fashion your husband wants to show it. Family needs to be there fir her, not against her. She NEEDS LOVE, unconditional Love. She will grow out of the brat stage.
I have an order half sister like this… so literally speaking from seeing it. My dad paid his child support, helped with anything she needed/wanted but still she never came around. I’m not sure why. Maybe it bothered her that our family was “together” and her mom had serval boyfriends and she had more half siblings from her mom. But my dad and mom both tried their hardest to be in her life. Even I as a child, wondered why my own sister wouldn’t come visit us. My dad paid for half of her braces ( she ended up not getting them, and the money was pocketed) and then when she was a little older, her helped pay for a boob reduction which again she didn’t go through with. She’s now in her 30s, with a man who refuses to work and my dad finally had to cut her off. Of course, he will still help if she absolutely needs it or it’s for her children. But my dad has been in the hospital for a month, and received only ONE phone call from her. 
The problem is… EVERYONE thinks they deserve something. Not ever kid gets a car as a gift, not every kid gets Xmas gifts. Hell not every kid has a bed. She’ll be just fine without a graduation or Xmas gift. Maybe you and dad (or whoever has a better chance) have a talk with her and let her know that you feel used. She an adult now and needs to be able to have uncomfortable conversation. Explain that you don’t mind doing anything for her but you expect XYZ. Remember her she loved, this isn’t an attack, you’d like her to come around more and would like to know if there’s something you all are doing to make her uncomfortable or keeping her away.
Use that 500 to pay for her insurance and help with tags.
And give gas cards . Better than her blowing it up.
Been there done that.
It will work out.
Without both sides of the story I don’t think it’s fair to judge this situation.
I am thinking like a kid. I’d have small thoughtful gifts waiting for her for when she does come around. I’d also give her only things she needsm…thoughtfully withouy making her feel bad. Maybe she is a little spoiled, but withholding on “gifts” becauze she doesn’t come around seems like a petty thing for adults to do. 18 year olds are even developmentally mature for the most part. They are just starting out life. Honestly, as a Hispanic American…I never understand the American “your 18 so you’re on your own” mentality. Kids at that age still need life guidance and it seems she needs extra guidance since she does not have it very together. How about he offer to pay for insurance and help her resolve some of her life issues. Actions speak louder than monetary gifts. Anyone can do that. Not everyone will walk with you to the registration and insurance place to teach you how to get those things…that’s a parent’s job.
Just sounds like everyone is abandoning her because she is 18. She should have never been gifted a car without a plan of action on how she will pay for tags and insurance. I’d offer alternative gift ideas to help her with life. I’d actually take her in no matter what her attitude and try to motivate and help her…compromising on certain things. If not I’d offer to help out with finding her own place as her graduation gift…and help her with a plan of action to support herself and help her monitor budget. In a nice way
…she is starting life.
Gift giving is a form of love, especially from a parent. It should not be dependent on what she does and doesn’t do. If he wants to gift her $500, then that’s what he should do.
Let him give her the $500 without getting in the middle of it. Graduation is a big deal even if she doesn’t come around otherwise. After that, she is an adult and needs to figure things out for herself. I wouldn’t allow anyone under legal age to drink in my home and definitely no smoking in my home! 
I think that she wants to act like an adult because she is a teenager and so let her try. When she hits hard times and rethinks things, then welcome her back with open arms. You can’t stop her from behaving this way. She has to decide that for herself.
She is 18…tell her to get a job and find a waterproof cardboard box if she doesn’t like the rules
I don’t blame her for being uncomfortable at your house, it sounds like an uncomfortable place
Some time ago I was the daughter and my father was controlled by my stepmother. She disliked me. Made me feel uncomfortable and her rules well I didn’t like them either. Me and my father havent spoken in years now and while shes around I dont want to bother. Not worth the toxicity. Keep acting like you are and you will cause him to lose her for good.
It’s better to let her smoke and drink at home where she is safe, then somewhere else where something may happen. Just by reading it I feel like she just wants her freedom and someone to be there. Let her make mistakes if she does so she can learn from them and yous can give advice or support her when she needs it. She would probably open up after time or when she feels comfortable and trust you guys. Let her dad give her money that’s her dad and he should support her weather or not she sees yous. Hope this helps.
My (((PERSONAL))) opinion… Give the graduation present!!! It’s amazing she finished school and it’s something to reward her for!!! As for her not wanting to live with you guys because she can’t drink and smoke in the house then tough beans for her, if she doesn’t like the house rules then she can get a job and her own place like most of us did… I turned 18 in May, a week later graduated high school, then in June moved out of my mom’s house and rented my first house… when I was 16 I worked 2 jobs AND went to high school… i paid my own car payment AND insurance!!! Grow up little girl
No smoking, and no drinking! Your house, your rules–period!
If she moves in with you two, divorce will come within a year, trust me. She needs to be looking for a job, she is about to graduate. Yes, u should have bought her something for Christmas, but it sounds like you’re making up for it now. She may not want to live with her mother, but that’s the way it has to be.
Been a stepmom for 13 years now. Of course we do not know the whole story, but I promise you that we stepmoms are not what movies make us out to be. We are often put in the back burner & I’d we care too much we are over stepping and not care enough we are wrong. A step kid can not like a step parent but as soon as a step mom doesn’t likenthe stepnlid it’s not ok? Yes we are adults but we are often put in a mothering role & can’t win in any situation. The child sounds entitled, and if they continue to let her come around only when she expects something, she will continue to do just that. Legal drinking and smoking age is 21, so none of that in my home. The situation with the car could be that them gettting her the car she had to pay ins, maintenance, etc. So if ahe refuses to get a job to pay, that’s on her. We as parents have to teach our kids responsibility
I wouldn’t give her a dime. She only comes around for when its convenient for her.
She doesn’t like your rules? Well she can’t stay. Shes not a child, she’s 18. She can get a job & her own place.
Sounds like her Mom raised a spoiled brat & who treats Dad like an ATM. Yeah no. She can learn some tough love.
People read the whole story, you got mom and stepdad on one side and dad and stepmom on the other and you have daughter that obviously has been taken good care of remember it was step mom and dad that got her the car. So now the mom and stepdad want to go live there life and dont seem to want daughter, and that’s just an assumption, the 18 year old CHILD without a job, don’t want to live with dad and bossy step mom because she can’t smoke or drink in their home, wait how does she get cigarettes and alcohol with no job, just asking, and everyone thinks the step mom is being unfair
Well I would just let her do her thing. I wouldn’t argue with her dad about what he wants to do for her though whether she’s taking advantage or not it’s still his child even if she’s grown technically and Even if you’re right he will probably just resent you for it it’s something he’s got to learn for himself. Best of luck
Cut the cord… she is set in her ways, let her be her and grow up… it’s hard, but he needs to take a deep breath and walk away, just let her know, you love her and your here for her… then get on with your life…
If her father wants to gift her something let him… if she is ungrateful that is on her. As far as her living with you that is different she wants to drink and smoke which you wont allow those are rules not gifts if she can’t follow them then she is making the correct decision not moving in… but she will likely pull a guilt trip to try and get it allowed so she can stand your ground
Pay her tags and 6 months to a year of insurance + like $250 for her gift. Or whatever is left of the 500. She is young. Seeing you withhold love and gifts as a stipulation may keep her away as she matures and comes around
Ignore the rude comments. Frankly, she seems like she is only coming around FOR the gifts, which is selfish and rude. She didn’t get something for Christmas because nobody knew she was coming so she decided not to show up again until her birthday, when she knew she would get something. She is also driving around a vehicle you paid for, while doing nothing for the upkeep(insurance, tags, etc.). She sounds like a spoiled brat. Rules are rules, regardless of a child’s age. As for the $500, it IS her graduation, so it’s a big deal, but it should stop there. She shouldn’t need to be bribed to see her father.
She’s refusing to live with her mother or father, don’t take it personally and let her be an adult and repair your relationship with your husband.
Everyone is saying its not your Business, BULLSHIT, it most certainly is your business. When you get married it becomes your business as to where the money goes to.
As far as their relationship, sounds like he has tried & tried to have one but she is acting like a brat about the divorce. Divorces happen, she needs to deal with it. May help if you and her spend some alone time together so you can build a relationship. But in the end she needs to grow up, get a job, tag her car and BECOME AN ADULT!
This sounds like my sons step person. He was going there every weekend, but she got mad because he wouldnt constantly talk to her, or bc he wanted to play video games or sleep. Shed throw fits about it was her money that bought the food he ate and the games he played over there so he better respect her. I mean, teenage boys do nothing but play video games, eat, and sleep. Him and his dad quit talking after she started messaging my son in the middle of the night because he (my 13-14 yr old) didnt throw his dad a Father’s Day party or buy him gifts. Even tho, he went there specifically to hang out for fathers day. She was cussing him out and talking trash about me so he called her a bitch. His dad got mad bc he called her a name, and that was that. They havent seen or spoken to my son in 4 years now. No gifts, no happy birthday, nothing. They even had another kid and never even told us. The thing is…if he wants to give his daughter money, that’s his decision. I have a feeling she doesnt feel comfortable because of you more than likely. You seem to not like her. You say she goes long periods of not talking…like 6 months. Are you expecting her to make all the contact? I mean…shes a kid. I dont care if shes 18, shes still pretty much a kid. Dont get upset bc kids in hs dealing with the most insane and confusing and moody time of their lives dont make contact. That’s you as the adult and parental figure to do. I’m sorry but I think you’re prob the bad guy in this situation.
Being a child of divorce it effects you for the rest of your life…at least it changes you. You’re expecting her to behave and react in a way YOU would. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She is the way she is because of BOTH parents how she was raised and how the divorce separation effected her. Be patient.
Wow! I’ve seen some pretty harsh feedback.
My opinion is
If you’ve only been around since she was 15 years old and now she’s 18. I think you should maybe consider analyzing why she acts the way she does. Was the relationship with her father always strained? Could she be bitter over the split of her parents? Believe me,I totally get this generation is over run with the spoiled and entitled.
As a stepmother to 2 boys, I always considered their feelings first no matter what. If you’re husband doesn’t have a good relationship with his daughter, maybe ask yourself why. If they have a good relationship support it. Maybe she’s just having fun with her friends enjoying her senior year.
I think she’s probably counting on her Dad to show up with a nice gift for her graduation. You’d should be right behind him trying to make it as special as you can.
Maybe you guys should make the effort to see her. Take her to lunch just to chat with no strings attached. Her dad wants her around apparently.
He should reach out just to tell her he loves and miss her.
Just my two cents.
Good luck!
P.S.
Celebrate her graduation with her.
My step daughter is the same way from 12 to 28, I don’t care if she never comes around and I also don’t care what my husband does for his own daughter, that’s between them!
She is playing you. She knows just what to do. Call her bluff. It’s your house. She needs to learn that the world will not bow down to her every need and wznt.
She is a teen !!! Why is it your business what her dad does for her !!!