What would you do if your childs friend (12) came to you and told you in secret that she did the deed with her 15 year old boyfriend? (her mom was okay with them “dating” which i found odd) Let me start off by saying her home life is not the greatest and I feel like going to her parents will only make her life worse and i dont want to not be her safe space…but at the same time i am so worried for her because this guy broke it off with her after his 16th birthday and mentally, she is no struggling…on top of what she is going through at home…she doesnt have anyone else but me…they have been friends for a few years and she is constantly at my house to escape her life and I feel honored that she opened up to me like that but I am so so so worried for her and idk what to do now…thankfully this guy is no longer around as he moved to another state with his parents…but someone please tell me what I do? i feel so heartbroken about all of this
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Needing advice about what I do about my daughters friend
Be the mom she apparently doesn’t have.
Honestly, as long as she’s not pregnant or hurt in any way, I’d just keep it between you two. Keep being there for her, keep being her safe space. Love on her and show her that she matters. My friend’s Mom was that for me when I was growing up because my mother couldn’t be bothered with me. You mean the world to her, I promise. And thank you for being her safe space.
Did anything become of it? She’s not pregnant is she? If not keep being the safe space she needs and that’s about all you can do!
I think I would keep her secret in order to protect her. Keep your home as a safe place for her whenever she needs it.
Keep your door open But stress protection.
I’d treat her like my own.
Give her the talk and help her the ways you know how.
Obviously doctors visits are up to the parent but in my house you get treated and loved like your mine.
Do NOT tell the parents. Protect her.
You keep her secret and be the Mom she needs and doesn’t have.
If telling her “mother” isn’t going to help, i wouldn’t. I would very much have a safer sex conversation with her. I’m guessing he broke up with her because he is now 16 and it is probably a crime.
Be supportive that’s it. Maybe talk about birth control and condoms and try to get her to see a Dr
I understand not telling her parents. Not every parent is a child’s safe space. Sometimes they are a child’s torment. I suggest being there for her like you would your daughter. For her to tell you, means you hold a very special place in her heart and she trusts in you. Keep being there for her, and keep being the awesome, caring person that you are. Good luck and good vibes❤️
She can get on birth control without any consent from the health department. Do not betray her confidence. She needs you.
You can’t change the past but you can help her make better choices in the future. No need to tell the parents since they won’t help thr situation. Assure her that she’s still a good person and has worth. Help her to understand healthy and unhealthy relationships & the risks of sex. Essentially, don’t focus on the path and help build her up for the future instead.
You know her family life, if telling won’t be helpful, don’t. But Mom her. Have the conversation about safety and std’s and that sex isn’t a requirement for a boyfriend. Help her find her self esteem.
Personally, I’d see a lawyer about guardianship bc she needs a stable place to grow up. Not a temporary fix. Approaching it slowly and correctly may get the mother to agree to it until she gets her mess straight.
I would stress protection, if you have a walk-in that her parents wouldn’t know you did take her and get her birth control pills. They help for bad cramps as well as her not getting pregnant. But be the safe space she needs. I wish I had a safe space growing up
100% your awesome for giving her safe space and if she not pregant keep it secret and keep being her safe place u rock for.doing that tyyyyy
You talk to her as If it were your own child coming to you. Educate her on safety and pregnancy.
If her own mom doesn’t care try to be her safe place and treat her like daughter and give her advise and encouragement you will your own . Been there done that with my 24 yr old I have 2 more girls to go and 1 son. No matter the age they are if they like or not I will still give them advice and encouragement
Encourage her to keep talking to you. You’re her safe place. You must be really special that other kids come to you. Keep it up! I love that you came for help to help others. She’s a lucky kid to have you be there for her.
Keep her confidence and continue to be her “person”. She can absolutely seek birth control without parental consent. It’s one of the caveats of HIPAA. I would talk to her about safe sex, avoiding STDs and the emotional aspect to sex. It’s awesome she feels that comfort level with you to open up like that
not your secret to tell… keep your mouth closed about it…
Keep her secret. But take her to the clinic. She needs to be tested and get information on birth control. It’s almost never a one and done, she’ll have another boyfriend and have sex again and she’s steady on track for a baby at 15. Keep your doors open and ya mouth closed pretty much. But give her a talk you would with your own kid like the consequences of emotions when you get physically involved. She’s real young to have to learn heartbreak that way but it’s bound to happen.
Just love her and be there for her
I would not tell her parents. I would definitely help guide her. Encourage her to go to a clinic and get on birth control but also encourage her about not having sex. 12 is really young. I lost my virginity at 12. No one told me anything otherwise and I became very promiscuous. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I was taken advantage of and my self worth was nonexistent
Treat her like your own child . Have the talk with her and keep your door open! You’re that mom she doesn’t have at home! Just love on her!!
It sounds like you’re already doing the right thing. Be her safe space and fill her with all the best advice you can.
She can be put on birth control without parents consent you can even take her I was put on it at 13 made by my step mom at the time but it was my choice in the end the dr said it was up to me and they didn’t need to tell anyone what my decision was. I wouldn’t say nothing to mom I’d keep the relationship she has with you in trusting to go to you about these things instead you seem like her safe space
How would you feel if you where the mother of the child who was telling this secret to the other parent. Would you want that parent to tell you!
Just be her person. Speak life into her… talk to her about self love and self respect…and explain how guys use girls…explain the physical aspects…STIs…pregnancy…elaborate hard on the pregnancy…a baby would not fill the void she has from her home life. And talk to your child…make sure there is no influence from the other girl. If behavior gets worse…contact school counselors so they can step in.
If her home life is rubbish why havent you called child protective services? She is hypersexualised for a reason. I did not even know what to do at 12. Get her a pregnancy test aswell.
Dating leads to sex. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. 12 and 13 yr okds are havong sex and its our jobs as parents to protect our children. Birth control exists and is a thing. My girls got put on bc before they even had boyfriends.
Get her tested, get her on birth control and give her some condoms
Parents are disgusting letting a 12 year old date a 15/16 year old sounds like they don’t care about her I would keep her at your house as much as you can guide her in the right direction.I wouldn’t say anything to parents because they shouldn’t of let her date him and she probably get beaten Do you know where he lives police need to be made aware of him he obviously likes young Girls needs reporting .
I agree with everyone. Be her safe space. Encourage her interests outside of boys. Love on her.
I think you need to reevaluate the kinds of friends your 12 year old has. No offense
I wouldn’t tell her parents that will have her loose her trust in you and gif forbid theres ever something bigger she needs to ever tell her. Just comfort here any maybe explain when the time is ready that’s why sexual encounters are more for older individuals because there’s so much emotion ties into it. And a broken heart sucks. And boys at that age don’t have that emotional attachment like females do until way later in life lol she can take this as a lesson and hopefully use it to grow. If a boy she comes across as she gets older truly likes her for her he won’t mind she isn’t ready for that right away.
Get her on birth control
Be the mom she needs. If she’s at your house a lot it’s obvious she has a bad home life and telling the parents could make it worse, especially if abuse happens at home. I had a friend growing up that didn’t have a good home life and she stayed at my house a lot because my mother allowed it. When she confided in me or anyone else in my family we did not tell her family.
Make her very aware of what it’s like to have a baby, as well as give her all the info about STI’s. Also I would probably try to have her over more than you already do so she’s distracted from getting involved with more boys at such a young age. Feed her dinner nightly if you can afford it. She has so many years to grow up, be a kid and enjoy it while you can. You are doing the right thing mama.
She doesn’t need parental consent for birth control. I’d try to tell her about it in terms she can understand. If she’s coming to an adult with this, she obviously is asking for direction in some kind of way. That’s what I’d do. I’d try to protect her above all else.
I was the same age as this girl. I as well confided in some I trusted, since my home life was not great. There was physical mental and emotional abuse. Tell them would have just made it all worse. It was already bad cause I thought that I should let my parents know I had a bf and shit hit the fan. I am glad she went to someone about it. Instead of just keeping it to herself and something happen to her. Make sure to really educate about sex STI STD and consent
Honestly, I am torn here. As a mom I would want to know but if her home life was really bad, I would want to be someone who speak life into her world. You can’t go get her tested or birth control (I don’t believe) as you aren’t a legal guardian. This is such a hard place. Sex at that age is really opening a door that is completely not truly understood.
I agree with the comments about being there for her and giving her support, privacy, and a safe place to talk about all the consequences of unprotected sex. But, I would also discuss the emotional readiness and help with her self esteem issues. She does not need to look for love in all the wrong places to replace the love she’s not getting from her parents. Sex education is more than getting her birth control.
She is asking for guidance, it’s hard she made the choice todo it but has guilt, maybe counseling maybe a good option.
Maybe take her to plan parenthood to talk to a Dr about birth control. Just in case of anything for the future.
Get her on birth control. She’s crying out for help.
You just love and support her and help teach her. You be her rock and soft spot at the same time, she has chosen you as her second Mom. Thanks for helping her.
If you’re not going to the parents…. Become her mentor. Talk to her about boys. About sex. About life. Be the positive and honest influence she needs.
Tell her everything you know. She already did it. Now she needs to know how to properly care for her mind, body, and soul. Sex has serious consequences. Hookup culture is NOT where it’s at.
She’s going to learn you can’t be trusted, it was her mistake for letting you know anything. But thats how all information is spread worldwide : telegraph, telephone and tell-a-woman.
Call your local child protection service. If her home life is that terrible & her parents are allowing her to have sex she needs to be taken away from them. She needs to be checked for STIs, put in birth control & educated. None you can help her with as a friends parent. Possibly you can become her foster parent.
Continue to be her support system. You could actually save her life…
Step in and up, get her some condoms, and if possible, a clinic appointment, and just keep her talking to you. You cannot fix her parents, but you can help HER.
As someone who did this EXACT thing at 12 with a 15 year old, just support her however she needs! My family made fun of me when they found out🙃 called me names and all of that, the kids at school did too when that guy told EVERYONE at school and on our shared bus. But talk to her about how she’s feeling about having sex in general, and also about how she feels that the boyfriend moved away. Ask her if she needs you to buy her a pregnancy test and assure her you won’t tell a soul unless she’s pregnant (because then she’ll need a legal guardian to step in for whatever kind of doctor appointment she chooses to make). And make sure she knows that just because she’s already done it before, does NOT mean she has some weird obligation to do it again with someone new if they want her too.
As that kid who had a terrible home life be there for her and honestly in this situation i wouldnt tell her parents but id have the sex talk with her. She’s obviously struggling with her family and doing the deed was probably pressure from the boy or seeking validation and love
Be her safe place there is no reason to tell her parents. But talk to her about what can happen baby’s STDs ECT. I believe she is to young for most clinics to get her birth control with out parent concent but look into it.
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I agree with everyone here, be her advocate just help her if home life sucks. Get her BC, or teach her that some boys sometimes just want one thing from them. Idk she needs help and she trusted you, that’s good she can talk you.
I think a practical way you may be able to help is directing her to a school guidance officer/counsellor (if you have those where you are) and encourage her to reach out to them. It would offer her some professional guidance with the issues she’s going through as well as be a safety net given mandatory reporting.
Depending on the level of crap home life, it may even be worth making some reports yourself if it’s serious enough.
The boy thing needs to be addressed too though, she’s 12, she doesn’t have the the development yet to understand things like pregnancy, sexual health, risks to her body, what healthy relationships are etc so that boils down to either reporting it or at the very least, talking to this girls mum. But she still needs to learn about all of those things regardless of the last boy.
You’ll need to tell her that you are glad she feels comfortable to be honest with you and you’ll support her, but grown ups can’t keep some secrets, some secrets can really cause bigger problems. But as a grown up you can also try to help her solve some of these problems.
She probably needs a real sex talk. Some guidance and to see a physician.
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Make sure she really knows about safe sex. And healthy relationships. If her home life isn’t good she probably doesn’t have good relationship models. Be there for her. Treat her like a daughter, and have empathy for her. I was an abused kid and had a couple friends who parents treated me like their own kids and just loved me and it still sticks with me to this day.
Keep her trust if she wanted her folks to know she would have told them
Tell her she has to be responsible and doesn’t want to put herself in that position again… Continue to show her love and teach her to love herself
Breaking her trust is not an option, therefore you will have to educate, support and guide her.
Take her to a clinic and get her checked out and make sure she knows about proper birth control methods. Get her some condoms.
She is 12 and in trouble emotionally, all you can do is be there for her and have that chat with her about the seriousness of sex at her age. Hopefully you can talk her round to not doing it again until older. Shame she has such a shitty family life she can’t talk to her parents, this is probably why she went with the boy to start with. Sad really sad her family life is like this some parents don’t deserve children.
Keep her safe & offer all forms of protection for her & a place she feels safe talking. She chose you, she felt safe. Don’t betray her trust, please.
Me personally I would try to get her on birth control and talk to her about safe sex and how easily it would be to get pregnant. I would not go n tell on her. However I would treat her as my own and help her to understand
She’s still a baby herself. At least she came to you. I wouldn’t say anything to her parents but I would do a pregnancy test. Maybe ask her if this ever happens to her by someone at home. Then call the authorities.
Help her get on birth control and continue to be her safe space
He should’ve been arrested for statutory rape and the parents for neglect and allowing it. Obviously they are trash.
Continue to be her safe space. Keep her secret, take her to a free clinic if you can, explain to her the health risks that are involved with physical contact.
I would contact and involve dcfs if she’s having trouble at home- tell them what you know and let them sort it out
Keep being a positive motivating force within her life. Speak positive affirmations to her and your daughter as well. Let them know that they are more than some guys. Down time, night time just to clown around time. Tell them that they have to put themselves and help them figure out their goals and complete them. Especially goals leading to independency like finding a job and starting a savings. For adulthood is right around the corner.
Keep her trust. Don’t notify her parents. Get her a pregnancy test and make sure she isn’t pregnant. Have her tested for STDs . Get her condoms. Talk to her about guys. Tell her that they will tell her anything because they are just after one thing. And once they get it, they will move on to someone else. Tell her that she’s a worthwhile person and she shouldn’t let herself be used like that. Tell her that sex is something to be avoided at this point in her life. It’s meant for married people, an expression of love, and it can lead to having children. No birth control method is foolproof. Condoms can break, the pill can fail, anything can happen. Tell her that she really should try to concentrate on school and getting good grades. That way when she’s older, she can go to college and study whatever she wants, to be whatever she wants, and be her own person… never, ever dependent on anyone else. She can do and be whatever she wants to be. All she needs to do is keep herself focused on what she wants. Not on what some boy may want. Tell her you will always be there for her.
All the ppl saying to put her on birth control, this is a 12 year old who’s still developing, I don’t know if screwing with her hormones is the best option. I know adults who went a lil crazy on birth control, imagine how it could affect a 12 yr old. I think condoms would be a better alternative.
Take her to get checked. She needs a pregnancy test and a sti test.
Speak about contraception. If she wants to be sexually active nothing will stop her. But her being safe will lessen the risk of a positive test. Also speak to your daughter about safe sex too and how she shouldn’t feel pressured just because her friend did it
Just be there for her, build up her self worth, talk about safe sex and respecting herself. Take her to get birth control and get her some condoms
Stay out of it. I tried to tell a woman that about one of my daughters friends and I ended up the bad guy. Just don’t
Honestly, I would treat it as if she was my own daughter. Knowing her home life in not great, I would do my best to keep her safe
Continue being her safe space. Get her on birth control and just keep doing what you have been z
What I found out that this behavior at 12 isn’t odd and even have had dhs and therapist try to tell me to let my daughter have bfs and such trying to tell me it’s common and I shouldn’t stop her. I was shocked out of my mind about this but apparently there isn’t anything I can do and I’m having these services that I thought were supposed to help me protect my child like it thought they would agree that it’s not normal behavior and help me keep her from her promiscuous way only for them to tell me to let her. As someone who isn’t legally able to take her to the doctor and make those decisions for her, I would say just be as supportive and best sound advice (safe space) for her as you can. You can voice your concerns. But if you ever feel things slipping (her mental health) you should definitely report that. Suggest birth control and all safe $ex practices and of you have any common ground with the mother try to see if she would take her for birth control. Use any excuse you’d like whether it be to regulate periods. Hopefully if mom is OK with bfs she’d be OK with this idea of birth control. Of course this young girl is going to make mistakes but never judge her, just be there for her to offer your guidance and support.
You are covering up a crime, statutory rape…you need to have her take a pregnancy test, and test for STD’s…maybe she told you now because she could be pregnant…
Talk to her about it and try to be an adult that she can trust and talk to
I think with her having a rough home life like you say. She trust you more than her own parents or she finds that you are easier to talk to.
You are her safe space for her to go. Don’t break that or she could possibly spiral and never open up to someone again. With how young she is, she definitely needs someone to open up to and she chose you for a reason.
She trusts you so help her and guide her like you would your own child. Kids need good people. Just be there for her.
Being you know her home life and feel going to her parents are not an option I would keep her trust by not telling them. She is going to have sex whether or not you, or anyone else, knows or not. Be extremely grateful she trusted you enough to confide in you. If you break her trust she will never trust you, or anyone else, if and when she needs an adult. Especially being her home life sucks you definitely want her to be able to come to you. I would also use this as a learning experience for your own daughter, as I’m sure she already knows about her friend having sex. Have a girls night sleepover. Talk to them about sex, how babies are made, different types of protection, tell them about boys thinking with their pants and not there brain, tell them it is against the law for any boy to force themselves on them sexually even when it’s a boyfriend, rape doesn’t only happen to people you do not know. Talk to her about maybe going to a Planned Parenthood with her, I think the age of consent is 12 but Google your state laws, to get checked for STDs. Tell her the reason he prob broke up with her the minute he turned 16 is to protect his own ass from the law because she is 12. Being he has moved and they are no longer having sex, as long as she doesn’t have a new boyfriend, I may hold off on introducing hormonal birth control and just go with condoms for right now, especially since she is only 12. Explain to her how her cycle works with ovulation and pregnancy, surprisingly there are many woman who don’t even know how their own bodies work. Tell her this is why girls this young need to wait to have sex. Boys break up, move, transfer to different schools and then you never see each other again and girls take sex more emotionally then boys do. Sex just isn’t about your body, it’s mental and emotional involvement also and young boys and girls are just not ready for that commitment. Explain once word gets around to other boys at school that they are going to now know “she is easy” and that is the only thing they will be after. I would just be a mom to her. Also if her home life is that BAD, there are legal ways you can go about becoming her foster mother, if you are inclined to do so. I would also like someone else suggested have her take a pregnancy test. Also, keeping your daughter’s friends trust shows your own daughter that she can also trust you with the tough stuff!!! Good luck!!
I’d take her to a clinic to get on bc and get condoms. For those of you saying she is too young, it’s not about promoting sex, it’s about preventing pregnancy and diseases.
You cant do anything.
We have all went threw heart break.
Just be there if she needs to cry.
If she’s at your house the majority of the time, and she considers you her safe place, that is your unbiological daughter. Talk to her like you would your own daughter if this was your daughter in this situation. Some may consider it “not your place” but it doesn’t sound like she will get a whole lot of support at home. Just talk with her about the importance of being safe and explain that this guy was a loser but not all guys are like that. Like I said, talk to her like she’s your own daughter.
It isnt your obligation to do anything. If it were me I’d just continue what I was doing and try and offer good advice to your kid and her friend together and talk thru things.
Be a second mom to her and have the sex talk with her and ask those questions!
My kids friends know that my house is a safe haven for them! I seen a lot come in and out! And they know our number and they can call 24/7!
She needs sex education that she can understand, calling child services will destroy her life. Talk to her doubt the “deed” was exciting more like painful, she is only 12.Educate her about sex and pregnancy and having a baby, how it would destroy her life and family connections. Kids are confused by TV , internet and Love.Set both girls down and discuss sex education, life and possibilities. If someone had explained it to me life would have been so much easier
Ma’am mind your own business I promise you it’s not gonna work out the way that you’re thinking lol and clearly you don’t know what she has going on at home probably not much seeing is that she’s slept with her 15-year-old boyfriend both being miners that the mom was aware of …. I don’t know what exactly tyou are trying to do but you’re not her mother mind your own business and if her boyfriend broke up with her he broke up with her she might be very disturbed by that fact because she did sleep with him and oh well she shouldn’t of done that. ￼just let the kids go through what kids do when boyfriend and girlfriendsbefore you stop your foot and some big pile of shit …you might want to get a hold of yourself and not jump to conclusions and make assumptions as to her mental state… ￼because you’re about to get yourself into a situation that probably more thanly you don’t want to be in. Be a neutral and supportive party but do not cross those lines and you are not allowed to assume what this child has going on she could be telling you one thing and her parents another thing this is not a good idea maam don’t even go there￼
Don’t betray her trust you ur self said she has no one but you. Also tell her about family planning you don’t have to take her in the office but she needs to be on the pill or something. Take it from someone who knows if you tell her parents she will have no one to talk to and as a young women she needs that
ALL you can do is be there for the kids, & offer advice to stay healthy & safe while they’re out there living life. and it’s the same with your own biological children. You cannot make sure they never do anything dangerous, risky, or something you don’t approve of. What you can do is provide them a safe space, and teach them the skills so that IF/WHEN they are in bad situations they know what to do, and/or to call you for help. They are human beings growing, developing, leaning in their own ways at their own pace. You’re not gunna like everything they come & confess to you - but please just remember to be grateful they came to you with it at all, in that know you are a safe space for them, & just allow them to make their own mistakes
You keep that baby girls secret, she trusted you for a reason. You already know her home life, do you want to make that worse?? She needs a mother, she clearly found that in you, do not destroy that child any more than she already is
Keep being her safe place and keep her secret. Thankfully he is no longer around and doesn’t come back around. That may have been one of her ways to try to escape from reality and her life. It sounds like she needs you more then ever.