Needing advice from other step moms of older kids

Okay, so this is mainly directed at stepmoms & moms of older kids. Hubby and I have been married 2.5 yrs and have two daughters together, 21mold and 3mold. He lost his oldest daughter, who would be 24, and has a 20yr old daughter and almost 19yr old son. His older two barely want anything to do with him, esp his son, whom I’ve only met once. His daughter just turned 20, and every single time she contacts us, she wants money. We told her we would give her some for her birthday, but we haven’t seen her in months to give it to her. Am I wrong for saying she has to come to get it? We live less than an hour from her. I have offered to go pick her up since she always has an excuse why she can’t come to us, like she doesn’t have a ride, but she always wants money to go to the beach or other places. Heck, we can’t even afford to go places ourselves as we are struggling financially. My hubby doesn’t want to give it to her unless she comes to see us either, but I won’t tell her that, yet I’m accused of treating her differently than my own two. I do in the sense that I bite my tongue a lot because I am stricter on my toddler than anyone has ever been with her and they let her get away with everything. I have started saying something to her when she disrespects me because I’m tired of her thinking it’s okay. Also, his son will have to come to see us in order to get anything for his birthday. The area that’s pretty much reopened from covid so it’s not a major concern of ours.


Why do they want barely a thing to do with their dad and only really want money from him? Perhaps he’s been a pretty crap dad to them so that’s why. They have to come to him rather than him to them? That should tell you everything about the man you’ve chosen to have kids with. Read the signs and be prepared for the future.


She’s old enough to come get it the fact that you’re offering her a ride is enough sadly the emotions that the mom had for the dad often times the kids pick up also ergo the dad is just an ATM to them just as he was to the mom :unamused:


Uhm, she 20. She can get a job and pay for her own beach trips😑.


Personally if my son just asked for money I’d laugh at him. He lives with me and has a job. Once they reach adult age and are done with school…they need to be responsible for themselves. Can you help as a parent …of course. I wouldn’t let my son go without shelter, food, clothes, medical needs…but I’m not finding your trip to a dinner out or the mall or concert…

I wouldn’t expect my ex and his wife to give our kids any money if they were adults who didn’t visit.


Sounds like he doesn’t have a close relationship with his kids. Has he been around for them? Why hasn’t the dad offered to go drop off the BDAY card? Maybe she just wants to spend some one on one time with her dad.


Exactly as stated above, sounds like he wasnt around for them much growing up. Whether it was work or w.e. most adult kids act like n do this when the parent wasnt around nearly enough. He may not even understand that. Child support growing up isn’t religiously picking your kids up every weekend to spend time w them.


If my kids ask for money here and there and it’s only 20 or 40 I would . You got to remember there older . And every kid asks for money. There should be no expectation placed on them tho to obtain it especially when they don’t live around the corner. Some men are still paying child support until 23-25 . Also he started over with new babies and they lost a sibling . You don’t know how that makes them feel psychologically. Also honestly and no offence you don’t know what kind of dad he was well they were growing up so you can’t really make that call. If my children’s father didn’t act like a dad I’d be pissed . You spend years paying child support and you can’t do 20 or 40 here and there . Like hell that is just gonna fall on my lap. But also there old enough to have a job . But even that will not stop them from asking :woman_shrugging:t3:. Comes with the territory . I get having small children . I have some . Older and younger . But can’t let this get to you when this is normal. He can either be a dad and do what dads do or he can place boundaries in place and not help them out at all . Not everyone will agree . But you don’t just stop being a dad cause there older . Even if you don’t want to enable bad behaviour . Holding a grudge is not going to help . You had babies not much you can do about that but wait till they get older . Kids are expensive .


Sounds like the kids only want money off your without a relationship with your. I wouldn’t give them them anything


Um what’s the real story here and why are you shot calling in this?


There’s more to this definitely and why are you the one talking and dealing with it shouldn’t it be the father


Yes simlar position. Stepdaughters only 15. Only times rings her dad is money, lift or if she’ll get her takeaway. Hubby was doing this until I kicked off. He dosnt do this for daughter we share. We pay over £350 month in child suport, extra for clothing. Usually birthdays are left to us as their mums not arsed. We get abuse all yr long of his ex we dont do enought etc. Hubby dosnt have kids enough. He works six days a week. See’s his son on day off and thro wk. Daughter only comes xmas or bday

My husband complains that his 18 yo daughter only calls him when she wants money… I tell him “who else should she call for money then? :thinking:”… I get it, she’s older, but he is still her dad and will be forever. We have two little girls together and when they grow up I would be happy to give them money if they need it, within means of course. And if I’m not around, I’d expect him to help them in any way he could… just give them love without expecting anything in return… you never know how your own will be or need when they’re older. Treat them as you would want your own to be treated if you weren’t around for when they’re older. Love always comes back in special ways :blush:


If it’s a gift just send it or go to them. At 19 and 20 the last thing they are thinking about is being with family. If your husband feels that way to he needs to talk to his kids and tell them he feels disrespected as their father and feels all they want from him is money. He needs to sit them both down and tell them he wants to see them and spend time with them. This is on your husband to repair the relationship he has with his older kids. You just need to be friendly and respectful as they are adults as well.


Maybe the kids feel disrespected. If the money is a gift, he should send it and be done with it. Let HIM deal with his kids. It’s obvious they have issues with HIM that started a long time ago.


I’m going to say something that may upset you but I’m speaking from 7 years of crying myself to sleep thousands and thousands of my dollars spent and now a year and a half of therapy. Not your business! This issue is preexisting your relationship with their father and for whatever reason he wasn’t in their lives as they felt he should be and now there’s a new person to take the blame for that and new reason. There is literally nothing YOU can do to resolve this situation other then stay out of it for your own peace. I know and understand your desire to help and fix it but you can’t make them have the relationship you wish or think they should have. There’s a reason the relationship is the way it is. Be nice to the children Be cordial DO NOT offer your husband advice or make demands when it comes to his children. Please focus on you and yours it will make for a happier life for you. I wish you love, luck and happiness


You need to mind your business. He obviously was a crappy parent and now it is showing. Don’t get involved with something you weren’t there to see in the first place and if you have to lure someone to spend time with you with money…it is pathetic.


Just send the money if it’s a gift. Just because YOU aren’t worried about Covid doesn’t mean they aren’t. The fact that neither seems to want a relationship with him says a lot. It’s natural for a child to ask parents for money at that age.


First of all let me say I have been a step mom for over 20 yrs , his older children are adults and and as adults they are making a solid choice not to be a part of your life then so be it , don’t bride them to come , you as a step mom can only hope for friendship not a a parental role , these kids are a little to old for that ,discipline and respect should have happened long ago when they were younger , sounds like , keep trying remember your now working with adult kids and it’s up to them ,


I think it should be U all going to see her for Her birthday. Have a picnic at the park or something.


There are ways to send money without actually having to go give it to her yourself. Just sayin’


Sorry I once was in a relationship with a woman whom had older kids and I had 3 of my own.Id have my youngest daughter every weekend and I’d spend my time with her we would do everything together one on one from time to time with all my daughters cos 2 of them had their own families.My ex had adult kids with their families but I never interfered with what was ever going on arguements fights with their mother I got on ok with them but nothing special.My girls never asked for anything only time with their dad and thats all I ever wanted id give them money if they asked but never if I’m with them cos I’d be spending on them anyway.
So with my ex her kids were her problem their needs and wants.Now for your sake I think the whole problem belongs to your husband to deal with his daughter not yours.So I would be saying its your daughter you deal with it.If he doesn’t want to give her money then he needs to say so not you.It can cause a rift between you both or even with his ex.My advice is stay clear you have 2 kids with him so your priorities are with him and the kids thats your family.If you have a relationship with his kids great but stay clear of any demands or whatever they want.And if he can’t afford it tell him not the kids(his kids)


I wonder more about why they don’t have much to do with him. 2 kids want nothing to do with a parent their is a reason🤷‍♀️


It works both ways, why can’t you and your husband visit the older kids/adults??


You can’t always bite your tongue. They need to respect your guys wishes and visit every once in a while, shouldn’t expect money all the time. I know what it’s like to be a stepchild and my stepmother treated me different, but to this day I still respect her.


If the kids choose not to appreciate their parents, let them speak to those who never had parents! These are adult enough to make the decision and i wouldn’t impose myself.

Send her the money…it lets her know you want a connection

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Send her the Money God will to care of the rest.

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If she doesn’t live far why can’t she visit

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Wow, yall are jerks. What happened to when you marry a man with kids, you become a part of it too? What happened to “theres no difference in step kids and real kids.” Yall should be a damn ashamed of yall selves. She wants to help and it sounds like those kids need it. Make her come for the money. It ain’t like she cant come. You give it to her, shes gonna keep thinking she can treat you any such way and that will be okay. You’ll do what she wants no matter what. At that age, it’s called being selfish


Seems like your husband has reaped what he sowed and it shows. If he didn’t make his kids a priority. It’s a parents job to see their kids not the other way around. You’re late in the game as to how they were raised. Encourage your husband to spend time with his kids and that may be without you.


We kinda ha e the same issue with ours. My husband’s ex made me out to be the devil when she found out we were dating. I was trying to be nice, get to know them a little, but it was not appreciated. I would drop pizza off at his house for them on the rare occasion they were at his place while he was at work(he worked evenings). I made his son a birthday cake one year, and wasn’t even thanked for it(I worked overnights, so stayed up to do this). I gave up. He has 3, and the oldest has her own life, we rarely see her, but she does call. The middle one is the only one who makes an attempt, but would not come to visit when my kids were here because my high functioning autistic son “freaked her out”. She’ll come now and trys to bond with her sister(we had one together a little over a year ago). We saw his son on Christmas and that was the first time in months. He rarely calls and doesn’t answer when my hubby calls him. They don’t have a bad relationship, he’s just indifferent when it comes to his dad. I know that we did see a bit of jealousy when the baby was born(from college age kids), but that has gone away. Their mom did that whole ‘he has a new family’ routine, so that could be part of your issue. Try having him spend time with them without you and your other kids. I feel bad, because I feel like we will never bond like he has with my boys, but mine were younger when we got married and still live at home(14&12 now). We have been married 31/2 years, together about 5, and it’s not easy when they are older.

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First sounds like these children were almost adults before you married their father so they probably don’t consider you step mom. First it’s up to their father if he wants to control shit and not give them a bday gift unless they visit that’s on him you should not be a go between. That being said I would be concerned why 3 adult children don’t want anything to do with the father. I think I know why he could be a narc. He could be a dad and maybe take his children out to dinner or just pick them up and go some where. Please stay out of it.

I dont see an issue with telling either one to pick a gift up. That’s part of gift giving… seeing the person ur giving it to. And it’s hard creating a bond when ur SO kids are older when yall first met

If their intent is only money, let them get a job like the adults that they are! You have two small ones to raise. If they want nothing to do with you guys… Don’t stress that, raise your own kids and let them get a job. :woman_shrugging:t4::v:t4:

So I am a mom. I now have a new stepfather. But I am also almost 30 yrs old and have a job and my own family to take care of. There will be times where you can’t make everyone happy, and that goes for his older kids who don’t want to be part of this new dynamic. There is obviously disregard for finances and lack of respect, but there has to be a way to balance out stating firmly that them to come over without forcing them too is not a punishment, but also not a ‘none option’. My mom had a saying when we would ask for stuff…‘oh, you can have it, but you can get it yourself’. His older kids are old enough to not be acting like this, but also obviously still have resentment with the whole things. Just nurture what you can and be firm in your ground for the care of the WHOLE family.

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20 yrs old why isn’t she driving herself? Old enough to work make her own money if she wants to go to the beach!

Your doing the right thing. It doesn’t matter what they say, think or feel. Or if they come see you guys or not. Their loss. It’s called tough love. I do the same with my own kids.

Your husband needs to be the one to take care of it with your support


I wouldn’t give either one of them money or presents if they act like that, especially since they’re adults. Clearly their mother has brainwashed them against their father, so let her give up money for “beach trips”.

Anything you do after the age of 18 IS A GIFT.
Agreed that the custodial parental has poisoned the child and he will need to set limits and talk about an adult relationship with the adult children now


Hun you need to step back. His kids are adults. They will never see you as a step mom. You are just dad’s new wife. Not being mean, just been in their position. Their father needs to deal with them. If they are rude to you, block them and have no contact. You could be the perfect mother/wife and nothing you do will ever be good enough so stop stressing yourself out trying. And the more you push the more they will resent you and just make it worse. Your husband needs to man up and deal with his kids.


She’s 20. She’s not a child. She can get a JOB and fund her own trips. Especially if she’s gonna be that crappy.


You shouldn’t be interfering in his parenting


Shame on your husband for putting you in this position . He needs to deal with his children and show you the respect you deserve.


Honestly, why can he not make an effort to go see them? Why is it their responsibility to maintain the connection and relationship because he has a new family? I think he is wrong in this instance. It is NEVER the child’s responsibility to maintain that relationship if the parent is not putting in the same, if not more effort. If it is only an hour for them to come to you, it is only an hour for you to go to them. Especially for a birthday, the parent is the one who should be making an effort


Wth is wrong with you woman? It don’t cost much for a postage stamp. If he’s struggling financially then get a job. You knew he had other kids to support before you laid up with him. He lost one daughter already. You’d think he’d make an effort to see his others on his own without your manipulating influence. I don’t blame his son for being distant with a father that behaves the way he does. Back off and let the man breathe. Those aren’t your children. Since you’re so busy body up in his stuff, give him an envelope and stamp to mail the girl a birthday check. Them kids don’t want to see your ass!

I’m on the fence here. I was actually in the middle with my ex’s daughter once. My question is why are the other children avoiding their father? This sounds like there is more to the story. Finally, with just this information to respond to, I will respond. In my former relationship with my ex fiance of 7 years, I never interfered with their relationship or their money problems. I don’t know what the other children in your situations history is with their father, but my ex turned out to not have been paying child support for many years prior because his daughter didn’t want to see him after the age of 13, and legally she was allowed to do that she d in this state. I didn’t know that, or frankly I would have broken up with him earlier than I finally did. You asked, so I will tell you. This is his daughter, she will most likely never see you as a stepmom at her age. He should be handling his own business with his kids. I tried to help my ex too. Hugs.

This sounds like my brother and sister in law. First this is his responsibility and second this is enabling. You two dont have the financial means to spare and still keep doing it. You have to stop giving. They will continue to do this until you and your husband put your foot down and stop giving them shit you dont have for yourselves.

His kids lost their older sister recently? Try to be patient with them. Yes they are adults, their dad has new wife and kids, their sister died…that’s a lot of stress.

As a step mom who was in the delivery room when my step daughter was born. And who is 17 today! .my advice would be for you to stay out of it and let your husband be the messenger of his requirements for his children to receive money from him…coming from you is why you are seen as showing favoritism to your own children. Tell your husband HE NEEDS TO GO TO HIS KIDS AND SIT THEM DOWN AND HAVE A HEART TO HEART AND KEEP YOU OUT OF IT!!

Exactly how I did it. Good for you. Grown children can come see their parents. Especially when asking for money and such.

Seems like you both are being manipulated. If you two aren’t good enough in their eyes to respect, then your money is not for them to spend.

He may not have been that great a dad to them. If the son wants nothing to do with him saying you won’t gift him anything unless he comes to you won’t work. Truthfully he could probably care less. The daughter only wants money and for you to take it to her. She’s playing on his guilt, but she really doesn’t care. Best advice forget about them and then deal with them when they come around, but by you trying to have a relationship your just hurting yourselves. How do I know, because I’m one of those kids. My dads an asshole. Lives about 1/2 hr way haven’t seen him in years. Don’t even have his phone number. Keep in touch with his sister’s, but really that’s it. Don’t need his money or gifts.

Here’s the issue you don’t truly know the back story you don’t know how the kids were raised. Maybe meeting halfway point let him do the talking.

There are deeper, unresolved issues between them and their father. You don’t know what they had to go through nor what they are still dealing with. You only know one side, your husband’s version. I would encourage your husband and his children to get help and deal with their issues. They need to heal and move forward from a clearly painful past.


shes an adult… and shouldnt be calling for money. Dad should consider setting up times to go spend time with them regularly. Invite everyone over for dinner at your house, or a restaurant… or meet them for lunch or dinner on an occasion… or at least call them on a regular basis. just the way it is, otherwise you wont really have a relationship. the relationship he has with them right now is probably based on a lack of parenting early on , possible abandonment issues on when the previous marriage ended, or young adultitis. Either way, if he wants a relationship with his young adult kids…he will need to be proactive. Suggest that now, and when your young babies are adults… he’ll be better prepared to have a relationship with them. been there, done that. p.s. i have 4, they dont call asking for $$ and neither did I when I turned 18 and moved out.

The child is an adult, she can get to Dad’s if she really wanted to.

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Of course you treat her differently then your kids, she’s an adult and your kids, are a toddler and a baby🤦 he doesn’t owe her money, she’s an adult and can get a job to support herself. Yes my parents help me out a lot. But I also have a job and I see them all the time too 🤷 unfortunately there might not be much you can do. They were adults when you married their father. And, it also might depend on the relationship you, or he has with their mother as well. Mom’s can have a big influenc on kids and how they think or see their other parents need partner

I completely agree that they have to come get it. Its kinda like writing thank you letters after getting gifts from family for birthdays, christmas and so on. If they want nothing to do with you guys. you all shouldnt give them anything to be completely honest.

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She’s 20… a birthday gift is nice but her dad (it’s not on you) doesn’t need to give her money.
Also I 100% believe it’s different when a parent remarried when their kids are older. Like your husband’s was. You weren’t there their whole lives you didn’t have a hand in raising them. So it’s not your deal now it is partially your money. I’d stay out of it as much as possible.

These are the types of things that should be worked out prior to a marriage of a blended family. Reason being there is always something that comes up like this. It’s his responsibility to carry on a relationship with his kids, you have no say if they’re grown, you also don’t have to tolerate their disrespect but that is his place to correct as well.


I believe this is his territory this time. Not bec you are wrong, but bec she obviously doesnt have enough respect for you. He needs to establish the boundaries, that you both love her and want her a part of your life. She is an adult, flat out have him tell her she has to come get it or youll keep it for yourselves and you shouldnt feel bad about that :woman_shrugging:

Have a conversation with her if she is willing, and just ask, why the distance? Dont beat around the bush, she needs to learn to handle life as an adult

Sounds like if they don’t come to see youse then they receive nothing as it’s been months. A card in the mail to say I’m thinking of you is a much better way to maintain his relationship then what is happening.


Maybe you and your husband should stop popping out more kids if he can’t afford the ones he has. You are basically saying its a strain to take care of his first two kids because he made two more?

Let him parent his kids he made previous to you and back off. Be strict on your toddler because its the same as parenting a 20 yo. Lol. Maybe the older kids are resentful because they are being held to this impossible standard of children he made with you. We don’t really get the whole picture of his relationship with the dad and kids, maybe in the past he was absent and only sent money as a means of parenting. Its not a stretch to think that’s what they are used to. Then new wife comes along and he doesn’t have all the money he once had. You never know in these types of situations. Of I were the new wife I’d just stay out of it.

They are not minors. Focus on your children. That is his concern not yours. Let him give them money or what they want but make sure that yours get too.
You will never be their mom you are their fathers wife. You should let him know this too .

My hubby has an older daughter too, and only contacted us when she wanted money or if it was her birthday and she expected money as a gift. She also treated our (then 3 year old very rudely and indifferent) The last we heard from her she wanted $100 for Adipex and my hubby told her to stop eating cheeseburgers and go exercise, never heard from her again. …

Why should a birthday gift/money come with strings. He is their father and should make the effort. Put the birthday card with money in the mail and send it to them or drive it over.

As a person who is part of 2 blended families ( my own with siblings, and the one I married into with 3 grown step kids) I don’t think you should have to chase your children to have a relationship with you, it is a 3 way street. I don’t know the circumstances but at this point in their age they should be somewhat responsible and have jobs of some sort. I always tell my hubby that I’d rather help someone who struggles then someone who isn’t; it shows they are trying to do things on their own. If they really want something then they should make the effort/work for it. I only help if it’s for necessities since it’s a difficult time with this pandemic.

I feel you. But the kids don’t want to come around for a reason. My kids hate going to their dads. They only go for the money. My oldest step kids don’t even go to his house unless it’s for money. They don’t like there dad. They are over his BS. Plus they had two more babies and all my step kids and my kids want nothing to do with him or his new wife. They now go sometimes to see the babies. But never to see their dad. I guess it depends on the relationship between the kids and their father. As the new wife and mother of his new kids, you may not see it. They had a life with him before you? Was it a good life? Was it a stable home? Questions like that.

His kids are adults, don’t visit or have anything to do with their father or you or their half sister…why make your kids do without just so the older ones can go to “the beach”? Tell that daughter to get a job and pay her own way!! She’s an ADULT!!!

Huge age difference between his & yours should not be treated the same. They are adults and then babies. She’s trying to make him feel guilty for separation. In my opinion if she really wants or needs money, she should come to you guys. She is 20 all kinds of jobs opening now she needs to get one.

It’s not parenting anymore when she’s 20 asking for money. They are married & share finances. So she in fact DOES have a say. Simply saying we will give you money but you need to have contact/communicate with us that day to get it, is EXTREMELY fair. Reminder guy’s, she’s 20 not 12!!! She can either respect yall and come visit for a while to get the cash or say fuck it. You dont keep in contact why should I give you anything? My child is 20 & she finds time to call at least once a week despite having a boyfriend, job & in college.

I agree with your thought process.
Do they enjoy spending time with YOUR 2 babies (their siblings)?
Would they participate in events if their baby siblings are present? If so, that could be a hook to having them visit more.
And, it sounds like their bio-Mom may not like you and could be turning them against you. Have you reached out to their Mom?

Frfr they really must not like y’all… not tryna sound mean… but I live in a town about 45-55 minutes away from my parents and don’t have a car, I don’t ask for money n I work n got everything I need but I’m most definitely not wealthy at all n sometimes my mom n dad will ask do I need any money or need them to help me out with anything n I tell them no but if they giving away free money I’ll take it lol (n no I don’t feel bad about taking money from my parents bc no they are not rich, but they both work good paying jobs n manage their money very well and I promise giving me afew 100 dollars every once in awhile does not hurt them at all) my parent are kind of older n don’t do the whole cash app/ western union type thing n just really be dealing with cash lol but I always find some way some how to go down there n n get it, I do also go sometimes just to eat dinner n visit sometime without getting anything but those trips are planned in advance due to me having to come up with a way down there but this is just my personal opinion n I’m sorry if this offends anybody but if they dislike y’all so bad that y’all giving away money and won’t come get it fuck them frfr

I agree. If they want something from you guys, especially money, they need to come see their dad. They are old enough now to understand about financial difficulties. Stick to your guns on this otherwise it will just get worse


As a stepmom, you’re coming off to strong. You may be hubby’s wife but you are NOT those kids mom. Have you ever lost a sibling? Or actually taken the time to sit down 1 on 1 with your step daughter and talk to her about why she’s hesitant to have a relationship with her dad? There could be more to it than meets the eye. Again, just because he got you pregnant, and now you have a child. Doesn’t mean all his children need to bow down to your command. Do I think she needs to stop by? Of course, but I also think YOU are probably the reason they don’t want to stop by. I’m just giving it to you honest. I HATED my stepmom acting like she had anything over me, especially when she came into my dads life later than me. I wouldn’t have honestly respected you either. I’m just looking at it from the daughters point of view. You get to have your family, live with your husband and toddler. Your toddler gets to see their dad without your intervention 24/7. Maybe do the daughter a favor and plan a day where you go to a relatives or a friend and you should allow for her to see her dad without feeling uncomfortable with you there. I hate saying this, but if you really actually care about that girl. It won’t bother you to step back and let her have a relationship with her dad. It’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.


I have a 19 year old that hits me up for money…if you have it to spare just cashapp them and move on. If not then it doesn’t even matter right? Who wants a pity visit from their kid?


I have older stepsons and it’s been difficult for many reasons. I think it is ok you treat your kids different mainly due to age. There is not a way to treat them exactly the same. My stepsons only come around for gifts as well. It sucks but if they’re old enough to make their own choices it does not fall on you 100%. The fact that you are concerned about it shows that you care. I think some kids have resentment even if it’s not always justified. I had a stepmom growing up and it is not always easy.

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They’re not your kids. it’s normal and ok to treat them differently than your own children who come first for their well being and safety. His kids are grown and it’s your home so stop worrying! You make the rules and the calls!


Ok, but does he call them? Does he reach out to them?


Sounds like he is paying for his raising. Maybe he is a crap dad? :woman_shrugging:t2:ask your husband to tell you the truth. Has to be a reason both of them don’t like him.


My two boys are 12 and 13 very very disrespectful towards me and that’s ok as long as they treat everyone else with respect. My kids have always been disrespectful they were born that way and I have excepted it. As far as the step children go I dont have any thank God bc two is enough for me I sure the hell dont need someone else’s kid to take care of. But of course I’m different bc I would never ever have step kids married or not his kids are his kids and my kids are my kids. There is no step kids in the sentence marriage.


Do you know the reason why they do not have a good relationship question my

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I think you’re being a bit harsh… My children are all adults now I pay child support for my 18yr old daughter who lives with her dad and sometimes (not very often) I have to send money to my older two sons as they are at collage getting their degrees and struggle
I send the money without ordering them to come and see me…
I send their birthday and Christmas money without ordering them to come and see me and I do the sand for any stepchild as life’s hard

An hour away is quite far when you don’t drive or have access to transport and also when you are a young person with a million other things on top your priority list and we were all you g once surly you must remember whsr it’s like??

His child owes you nothing… Maybe all these demands are why they don’t want to see their dad in the first place!

Also they’ve been through alot so maybe you should just give them a break


If she disrespects you directly then yes you should be saying something ! Both those kids, for whatever reason, are definitely trying to manipulate your husband. It’s hard being stepmom esp if - and I’m not saying she is but a big IF - their mother is not stepping up to co - parent or what she is doing on her end. Unfortunately not every ex can be decent about each other. You’ve shown that you’re willing to adapt but other than that I don’t think there’s much else you & your hubby can do to change the situation. I’d just let those kids know that you’re there regardless. Good luck

You are doing OK. Since you and your hubby are still giving the money they need for whatever purposes. But of course discipline should not be excluded specially when all you want is for your stepchildren to spend time with you guys or at least see their father in person. Plus they are old enough to stop by at your place and get the money they are asking from you. You are married now. It’s best to treat them how you treat your own.

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First. Of course they’re treated differently…
His kids are young adults…
your kids are still baby/toddler age…
That’s a MAJOR age difference. My kids are both mine biologically…and at 3 and almost 8 the expectations for each vary immensely.
I really would not feel too guilty about that.

As far as expecting her to come get the money goes…there’s a lot of missing information. Does your husband try to talk to them? Communicate with them? If not then he’s sorta guilty of the same thing that he doesn’t like them doing.
If he is and they ignore him and blow him off…was there something that happened between them that they’re trying to work through?

Ultimately you cannot give what you do not have…he needs to explain that to them. He needs to sit down and communicate his feelings with her.
Maybe he should plan to go see her without giving money being attached. Try to work on their relationship.


I mean, I get that you want them to come visit… but chances are, there is a reason they don’t want to be around their father if they act that way toward him.


Boy, all these “biological moms “ answers, seems like y’all gonna always been some dry haters even when the kids are adults lol couldn’t be me tho. Y’all enjoy. :weary:


As a former child of divorce, dont hold monetary value or gifts iver their head to visit. It makes us like you even less.
And as a former step parent, you need to step back. Let him deal with it. Support his decisions but ultimately step back. Its not worth the stress and the tension it will put between your household.


It is not unreasonable to expect your children to come visit you in person to pick up the money.

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Theyre young adults, sounds like they havent been close to their dad or its been rocky if they “wont visit”… Its truly his job to mend that…if you can spare some money send it.


It isn’t her job to keep the relationship going.

He is the father and as the father he hasn’t bothered with her
Not the other way round


If they are adults i sort of feel like the kids owe you respect, yes, but nothing more as their dad’s wife. They are grown & theyve been raised by him, if theres a disconnection then he should be working on it with them, and communicating with them. You arent responsible for that. Money shouldnt be held over their head as a reward for stopping by… thats between their dad & them. They have a huge age gap between them & your kids… they shouldnt be being treated the same as they are way older & clearly have a different current relationship with their dad than your kids do. You arent asking alot of them by having them stop by, but if they dont want to maybe their dad should ask them why


Sorry those two are grown adults. If they want their dad to give them money they need to come visit. If they don’t visit looks like they really don’t need the money. Your talking about and 9 & 10 year old your talking about two adults. Follow your own instincts you after all have 2 minor children that could use that money for memories of their own with mom & dad.


Well. Shes 20, so no one is letting her do anything.

I dont think its acceptable to say she can have money for her birthday, but then attach a string.

Youve been married 2.5 years and hardly know his kids.

Im gonna make a leap here and assume there is a reason his kids dont like him or want much to do with him. So nah, if you said you would do it, do it. And dont use it as a way to manipulate a relationship that will need to heal on its own.


Ok, my situation is somewhat different. However, just letting you know. My children’s father and I handle everything together. We communicate together as those are our children. Thos who have came after our separation, yes their opinion is heard but not necessarily needed. Our children have an understanding but they’re teenagers now and if they don’t want to go, I don’t force and neither does he. Communication is key. Apparently the father hasn’t told you everything as if they only come around for birthdays and money, well there’s resentment and underlying issues 🤷
However, me being my kids mother and knowing there was underlying issues, we all came together without anyone else involved and have slowly worked on them. My kids father was absent 5 years but we have worked on that and he gets them regularly now. Do still have some resentment? Sure but they know how to express and open up about how they are feeling. Maybe the father needs to have an adult conversation with his kids since they’re adult age, without your presence to figure out the problem. There’s no putting your foot down as you decided to be with someone who already had children so it should be a package deal. It is never all cuddles and roses, you take the good, the bad, the happy and sad times and work through them. But you NEVER put your foot down as it makes it far worse. My SO and I have been together for years and is apart of our kids lives. He steps back when it comes to dealing with the kids and allows me and their dad to do what we need to do.


My question is why do they not have a good relationship?

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