If you and your husband are not ready for overnights then you are not ready. Put it back to her, I’ll let you know when you can have a sleepover.
And as for care during the day, print out a daycare daily record sheet. I had to use them in the infant room all the time while I worked there. It tells you how often they are fed, changed and different activities that happen during the day.
I’m old fashioned and my babies are much older but for me I think maybe she just takes comfort in him,perhaps he brings back memories of when her son was a baby,not necessarily that she wants to pretend it’s him but that he reminds her of happier times.
But most grandmother’s are absolutely smitten with their grandbabies and want to spend every minute with them.Perhaps she doesn’t communicate with you regarding his days because she is picking up your vibe or feels like she’s being checked up on because you don’t trust her.
I could not wait for the day I could take my nieces and nephews for the night,I love them as my own and I want to spend that one on one time with them in my comfort zone and show them that my home is their home and the love and protection I have for them will always be here in my home and it can also be their safe place for the rest of their lives if they ever need it…
Having them just hang with you at home,doing your usual is just different and creates a different bond to spending time with them at their home or with their parents…
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Sounds like she’s overstepping. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. If you don’t feel comfortable than dont do it! She isn’t communicating like she should, she’s being dodgy with her answers. You have every reason to feel the way you do, just because she has “years of experience” and has kids of her own doesn’t mean she knows how to care for YOUR child overnight. She’s only the grandparent.
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Don’t let anyone bully you into agreeing before you’re ready! My husband and I weren’t together when our oldest was born and didn’t live in the same town. I stayed at his house with our son because I wasn’t ready to leave him overnight! For a year! His own father! We eventually got back together, got married, and now have another little boy but I never let anyone bully me into letting my kids stay anywhere until I’m damn good and ready! No matter my reasons.
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I think there are many comments that are mean saying shes ungrateful or something similar…
I think that if you are uncomfortable about something that is ok…just respect each other…i think communicating with her along the lines ‘thank you for watching and taking care of him but as his mom i just simply want to know what and how he ate or how his day went even if there is nothing wrong’
When asked about staying the night ‘ i dont think we are ready for him yet to stay, maybe some time later’ and around the same answer any time its asked…
Although she is grandma and wants to spoil and spend time with baby she still needs to respect the mother with what she is comfortable with whatever it is person to person…i do hope everything will be fine 
Blessings to everyone
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Your child is in a dangerous situation. Grandma thinks he is her son. Nope wouldn’t be mine. She never grieved her son and trying to relive through your child. Mom if your gut says NO IT’S NO POINT BLANK
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This makes me realise how blessed I am in my son’s choice for wife.
There are worse things then a loving grandparent.
You and your friends are projecting about the dead uncle her wanting to be her grandchild’s mother 
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Honestly, I would try to compromise. I completely understand your frustrations, but it sounds to me like she’s just excited to be a grandmother. Appreciate the clothes too! You can never have enough. Be firm yet polite and just tell her how you feel. Sounds like both of you need to take a deep breath and try to meet in the middle
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All 4 of my kids stayed the night at there grandparents house (both sides) at 1 year. And from what I read she did answer your questions. She said she would let you know if there was a problem. Losing a child is the worst a parent could go through. And being a grandparent is the best feeling in the world. You never think you could love another like your own children until you have grandchildren. When your child grows up and gets married is this how you wanted to be treated?. Cause what comes around goes around… I don’t have anything in common with my my mil and I’m independent as well but I still make an effort and spend time with her and be the daughter she didn’t have. I thinks it’s wonderful she wants to be involved and I miss my grandparents dearly and love all the time I got to spend with them. There is nothing wrong with grieving and help healing threw the love of her grandchild.
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Why can’t you guys have a date night and let her keep him? If you trust him to watch him 2 days a week what’s the difference? As far as information and fun stuff he does during the day tell her you want a little more information because you miss out and it makes you feel good to hear what they do during the day. Learn stuff from her. Thank her. Ask for advice.
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No overnights till 4 or 5 years old. Or at least when not beastfeeding or your comfortable. Boundaries are key. You and your husband need to be on the same page and then talk to her.
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If nothing else, these posts make me glad I don’t have to deal with overstepping grandparents 🤦 I think people are intentionally missing the fact that your husband is also uncomfortable with the situation. You’re not required to allow time with your child. Also, it’s very weird that she keeps trying to give the kid his dead uncle’s old things
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She is not trying to replace her son. Trust me she knows he’s gone and would never want to replace him. It is a big honor in her eyes to give your son something of her sons.
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- MIL needs grief counseling. Losing a child (no matter how old) to suicide is insanely devastating.
- My MIL lost her husband to cancer at 68 & was not herself until the birth of our son, who gave her joy until the end of her days. Be thankful that you can bring joy to her life. She is not going to “steal” your son, but having him spend the night will comfort her. No one can replace your brother in law; he was unique. But having a grandson gives her life more meaning & an identity as “grandma” vs. just “widow.”
- Also, the more loving people you bring him around the more friendly, outgoing and brave he will become. And if you want any sleep or need someone to watch him overnight (and you will), best to get him used to it early on.
- Encourage MIL to join a support group to bond with women who have lost children (online if none available in your town) & get hobbies & friends so she has an identity and interests outside of her family. Maybe animal rescue, water aerobics, book club—whatever suits her. The more she feels appreciated, needed and liked, the less she will rely on your son to feel alive again.
5.Relax! The more people who love your child the better. I like the idea of the checklist for her, video chatting & spending a day and a night with her & your son. You can observe how she interacts with him while remaining there. - Good for you for trying to establish a good relationship with her. Maybe do something fun just the two of you. Is conversation is awkward, do an activity like movie, bowling, fun class, paint night, etc.
- My kids spent the night with their grandmas (& grandpa) early on & spent the night at friends houses starting at three. Encourage your kids to be independent!
- Would she like a puppy? Might give her an outlet for mothering, a cozy being to sleep with and get her out of the house for walks & making friends in the neighborhood or dog park.
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She lost her son, so let her love your baby, she is not mean to him or anything like that. Does your son like her?
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I think you have to be both ‘the leading hand’ in decisions about your baby, and recognise your M-i-L has an abundance of love to give your baby.
She had committed to 2 days a week to support you working. Your husband is the evidence she knows how to care lovingly for a baby.
Relax.
Your baby is in good hands.
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I’d be livid nope not ok. Any sitter grandma or otherwise tells you about your child’s day! Your husband is uncomfortable with his moms actions you aren’t over reacting! You as parents decide when to let your child stay at someone’s house grandma or not!! I would never expect my child to do something to make them uncomfortable to make me happy especially with their child!! If she refuses to tell you about the child’s day I would look for a new sitter and tell her she is NOT the parent and does NOT get to determine what she tells you about your child!! Weird she is only sharing clothes from the uncle vs his own dad!!! Too many red flags, nope don’t care who you are or if you are related not comfortable with actions!
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Your lucky to have a supportive grandma in your sons life. She is lonely missing her son. I would communicate with her that you would like to know more info about what happens when he is with her but if she was a good mom to your husband then I wouldn’t be too concerned for your sons safety. She loves her grandbaby and wants to be a part of his life, you should see this as a blessing unless she has substance abuse issues/displays toxic behavior which it doesn’t sound like thats the case from what you’ve said.
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Get new sitter and no overnights. If your husband says no there’s something he knows that makes him uncomfortable so… 
This sounds almost like a mixture of grief of her son and overstepping. Definitely realize she did indeed lose a child, but she needs boundaries and you should sit her down and talk with her about what worries you or what your are and aren’t comfortable. Just communicate but also stand your ground. She may have lost a child but that is YOUR child not hers.
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She probably feels a void since he is gone and is feeling that void with your baby. She may not mean anything by it, however not to scare you more, but there is trauma induced physiological disorders that can cause for concern in situations like this. Not saying this is what it is, as I do not know enough of the situation to make that call. Just do what you feel is best and gently put your foot down on what you do not like! Possibly, if you could, see if your husband feels the same. If yes he does, then have him have a gental talk with her. Make sure that he understands that a trama induced physiological disorder could possibly be what this is and he needs to tread careful with her. Even if it isn’t, after what she has been through, I still advice to tread careful. These things can be fixed. It takes communication from both sides and let her know that as well. Best of luck!
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She raised her children her responsibility have ended she needs to step away and let you raise your children the only one that can fix anything would be her she has to come to terms with life she has done her share now time for her to sit back and watch the next generation evolve
Aww. She sounds lonely and missing her son. I don’t think she wants to keep your son or take him away. I think she just wants something to mend her broken heart and give meaning back to her life. Grandma’s are the best an can share a bond like no other. Allow the opportunity as this might be the light at the end of her dark tunnel… she’s probably so broken and wants to feel some type of connection with the world again… her love is a beautiful thing dont let your fears snuff out her light… best of luck. It’s hard being a new mom…
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Why are you so worried about her being around your son, you are married to one of her children.
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Maybe you need to suggest therapy. Tell her you are worried about her not coping well with the loss. I have lost a child as well. Grief doesn’t take one or two years depending on the situation. It is just a process we tend to go through like a rollercoaster.
I am a great gramma and i raised my grandson the dad and my grandson and i were really close and now my great grand son and i are really close but when i have the baby here i do what the parents want i feed him like they do i put him down for naps like they do im the grandma not the mom and it works out great but i can see were the grandma is coming from the kids need to sit her down and have a chat with her not condem her
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Shes grieving, your baby reminds her of her dead son, be compassionate.
Shes going to love that grandbaby like her own child, thats incredible. He doesnt need to spend the night, hes little. Just speak up and be honest…no he won’t be spending the night, but maybe you could do this instead… or better yet, your husband needs to say it.
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Could you and your hubby sit her down and talk to her about your feelings and tell her she is his number 1 babysitter when needed
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Don’t let your self doubt affect the relationship with the ex mother in law. My mother and law and I have a very roller coaster relationship. We disagree, we aren’t the biggest fans of each other and that’s putting it nicely. We fought a lot because we both were scared that we were trying to take her grandson/ my son away from each other. But from my experience communication becomes it would’ve saved us a lot of fighting. Be appreciated that she’s helping to watch him, and that is helping you guys out instead of leaving your child with someone else. She’s important to your child, and she deserves to be in your child life. Ask your self what is the true reasoning for you not wanting your child not to sleep over. Talk to her about it, and everything that is concerning for you. But remember that both of you have your own feelings, both of you think differently.
Has she had counciling after her son passed. If not maybe your husband and close family and friends should talk to her about it
Let that women keep her grandbaby for the night! My mil was the same exact way. For 13 years. She got onto me about things like she was my own mother. She was over bearing and always wanted to keep my daughter even when I wanted one on one time with my daughter. She unexpectedly passed away last year and I would give anything for one of her phone calls that I used to find so time consuming or for her to just be here to spend time with my daughter who loves her so much. People do not live forever. You do not know what tomorrow holds. Let them have their memories.
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Grandma is probably still morning her son. By sounds you have great mother inlaw who loves her grandchild. Ever think your MIL has picked up on your and hubbys feeling and may feel bit guarded.
Fact is your MIL wants to spent time with grandchild and by sounds wants to be involved as poss.
My mum didnt get on with bros girlfriend yrs ago resulting in my mum hardly seeing her grandson fisrt 3-4 yrs. My SIL died of cancer when my nephew was 5 and his elder sister was 9. My bro took on both kids and would have been lost without my mums help so he could continue to work to provide for kids.
Stuff happens in life beyond our control. Dont ruin and relasionships due to your own needs. Learn to compromise. One day you may need this lady more than you think or your son.
My kids stayed at grannys from been few mths old to give me break etc. They have great close bond. Me personally would lay card out on table and have chat with MIL how you feel etc and can move on and grow together for your son
Think you both need to sit with her and tell her how she is making you both feel, she needs to know yes she has lost a son but cannot replace him with yours, I have 5 kids and never spent an overnight at my mum in laws till they were 5 or 6 think they are to small any younger to go to a sleep over anywhere, she also needs to be telling you what he eats and does on the days he is there if this carries on I would be finding a differe5child minder good luck
Personally I think your mother in law isnt trying to take over or have your son take his uncles place. Shes probably longed for a grand child and now she has one she just wants to be part of his life. Could you may be ask her for a bit more info to what shes been up to during the day with him and send you some snap shots through the day. If you’re not ready for him to sleepover, fair enough, tell her you’re not ready yet. I’m sure she will understand. Have a chat, tell her how you feel. Better that than feel sour about the relationship.
I’ve had 4 myself and they range from now 4 to 21 and I’d of loved my parents or hubbies parents to have looked after ours…at any age. We asked for help when we were new parents and were blatantly told no. Theyve never stayed over at grandparents at night and no more than a couple of hours just a handful of times over the years. I’d be grateful of the help and to have it at a regular occurrence…amazing. just a little communication will do wanders I think
Had this before. My ex mother in law lost a baby years ago, and she was asking me to call my baby after him, I refused but was very weary for a long time . She favourites my son now and spoils him, gets a bit weird as she’s very close to him but I do remind her he’s MY son!!! I think it’s just that she’s looking to fill a hole, I wouldn’t be massively rejecting her advances, but I’d make sure she remembers it’s your child not one of hers. Give her a chance to have him more . But the overnight thing I’d stick to your guns still .
My brother passed away also and my mom never did anything to my child that I was not comfortable with. My daughter is like my brother in many aspects of her personality and my mom and I point them out all the time and my daughter grew up watching my mother grieve my brother’s death and she has become more compassionate for it. She is 8 now. You are in control of your baby. My daughter has things of my brothers but they are blankets made from his old clothes and its because I wanted them for her no other reason. Talk to your husband first.
I think she’s passing on the brothers item, because there is no one to pass those things on to, they hold sentimental value. He may look like her son now, babies change a lot. I think instead of talking to your friends about, you need to talk to your MIL about it. I think you need to have some compassion as a mother and realize how the loss of a child can affect someone. She sounds like she wants to be a good grandma to me, be thankful. They all aren’t like that. Also why not take, “I’ll let you know if there’s a problem” at face value. She knows what she’s doing, she’s raised kids already. A day care isn’t going to tell you anything, it’s drop and pick up.
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As a grandma myself, I have to say that being a grandparent does NOT automatically give us the right to our grandchildren. First time mommas tend to want to know what happens with their baby while they are apart, and there is nothing wrong with that. I say grandma needs to be more open and automatically think that Dil is questioning her parenting skills.
Sit down with your mil and have an open discussion about your feelings. Be sure to stay calm, focus on “I feel” statements, and stay on topic.
I would go in with a note card with thoughts and questions, and ways that you are willing to compromise on and what is a strict boundary. Be respectful of your yourself and your mil, don’t fight dirty, and listen to hear and not to respond. If she hits a hot button, take a pause and think before you reply. Let her know that you appreciate what she does for you and that you are waiting until you and your husband are comfortable with the baby staying overnight anywhere.
Please remember that being a grandparent is a very special kind of love, and it’s hard not to push to keep grandchildren as much as possible, and she needs to respect your boundaries. No one is evil in this situation, just a lot of hurt, assumptions, and a serious lack of communication.
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I’m sorry, but to me she sounds like an amazing mother in law. When my youngest was only 2 months old I had to return to work due to financial hardship, my MIL stepped in and helped out without question. When I got home I would ask how he was and she would only ever tell me details if there were issues. Otherwise she would tell me it was good etc. I can understand if you aren’t ready for sleep overs yet but you could just sit down with her an explain this to her reminding her that as soon as you feel he is old enough she will be the first to know. It sounds like she has a lot of love to give to your son, what a wonderful gift for him. We don’t live close to family, I wish we did because my kids love their grandparents all so much and love visits with them. When the kids are with my mum or MIL they get a lot of special attention that we as parents don’t have time to give. That is so valuable. As far as your MIL wanting you for a daughter, it sounds to me like she was trying to accept you into the family with open arms. Did you try to find a common interest. When I met my now MIL I wasn’t sure I had much in common with her at all and actually our relationship took a while to develop, but over time we found things that we both similarly enjoyed, if you choose to say ‘well we have nothing in common so why try?’ Well then you are destined to have an uncomfortable relationship with her. And from what I’ve read it sounds like that is coming from your side. Now I completely appreciate your rights and feeling as a parent and if there was any reason you should be concerned or your husband said to, then by all means be worried, but if not maybe take a step back and have a look at how lucky your son is to have an amazing grandparent in his life.
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Talk to her and explain your needs for communication. Insist on getting that before considering any overnights. Always go with your gut!
Sidenote: it is only fair you communicate with her about your concerns… After all isn’t that what you are lacking from her in the first place; communication?
She’s using your baby to heal. This can be a good thing or very bad. She needs counseling.
Mom let that baby stay overnight some. Grandma are not forever and in 4 more years or sooner this baby will be in school, and whatever. Then comes the friends and baby is a teenager with time for what he/she wants. Let them have a relationship for how ever long.
I think the point of not having to pay for a sitter is nice but come on people the most important thing is , it’s a close family member who will not mistreat it. With all the problems with daycare and such a grandma would be a blessing.
Oof. I’d be sketched out by her not even telling you about how the day went.
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No overnights until you are ready and let her know she will be first. I never asked my son’s sitter questions they just told me how he did that day. I think she is relating her grandson to her deceased son. Ask to see him in pictures when he was a baby. Baby clothes from the deceased son is odd. I never kept baby clothes, I handed them down to others then my sister when she got pregnant. Let her talk about him. Maybe she is still stuck in a ‘black hole’. My son was his Dad’s clone when he was young. His Dad passed when he was 32. Maybe MIL needs a pet to care for and love on those days grandson is not there. Surprising how they can help. Just a thought.
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Whatever boundaries you feel appropriate for your son should be communicated by your husband to his mother, and just keep working through it and try to assume her intentions are always good and come from a place of love. Good luck!
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Do you have any other options in terms of child care? I could never leave my child with someone I don’t fully trust. Have a true, heart to heart conversation with her about how you AND your husband feel. Let her know the lack of communication alone makes it hard to leave your child with her, not to mention how young he is and how needy young babies are Make sure your husband is included in this too so she doesn’t think it’s just you attacking her. I’m terribly sorry you’re going through this, I can’t even imagine how hard it must be!
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Hard situation. Just set your boundaries, and stick to them. It’s a tragic situation, but that doesn’t give her license to make you or your husband uncomfortable. I would suggest ‘stopping in’ on one of the days she has your child, just to see how things are going. Bring her a coffee or whatever, just keep it casual, but check.
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Sounds like she is still grieving
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It’s her grandchild. She dont mean to push. We just love to have our grandchildren around. Just let her know your not ready for him to be gone for the night. She’ll understand.
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I have a great relationship with my mom and she couldn’t wait to have my daughter spend the night. They’re just excited.
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Pay a professional child minder so you can monitor and control all aspects of your child’s care while you’re at work. Done.
Then, once she’s dead you’ll never have that problem ever again.
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she sounds like a great person with a big heart. I understand being a first time mom and not trusting someone with your baby but I dont think she would hurt him. try to let go alittle and let her keep him over night. go out on a date with your husband and relax.
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Honestly In my opinion, I would sit down and talk with her tell her how you feel, concerns and ya it’ll probably make her upset but also tell her you feel like that’s causing a gap in yours relationship and you want to avoid that! Honesty is the best policy but it is such a touchy subject being she may be mourning her son still very much and that as a mom is a huge concern.
I hope that makes sense 
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My mother in law kept my first born when she was 6 weeks old, so I could rest. My parents also kept her. They’ve always been very involved. It doesn’t sound to me like she’s doing anything wrong. My mother in law loves having the kids to herself cause when I’m around they act different. She knows I’m a stresser, so she doesn’t tell me much. We’re all fine.
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Seems like it’s a coping issue. She lost her son…So what she needs to do is maybe get therapy but you know how boomers are about therapy. It’s like a catchy virus to them or something 
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Boundaries .as in no sleep overs till 4 yrs old. Talk to her, openly with respect about this situation. Set your boundaries and stick to them. He’s your child.
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Okay, on the real… She’s probably having problems with her son’s death. Which is understandable. Look at from her prospective. Also, grandma’s can be super crazy about hanging out with their grandkids. Set boundaries and stick to them. When your ready for him to stay the night you will know. I would have a lunch with her and tell her how you feel. Especially being your first. You want to be with them all the time yourself. She should respect you and your husbands wishes.
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As upsetting as it is I would let my guard down and tell her honestly how it feels. Remind her you’re a FTM and it causes anxiety not hearing about his day. Just say if she could communicate more that would really help and as soon as you feel he’s ready he can stay the night and to please be patient with you. Ignore the other stuff if you can, it will irk you but the benefit of having an invested grandmother who can help is worth its weight in gold.
So much better than a stranger, at least you know she loves your son and when he’s in her care she will care for him like her own she just needs to communicate better.
As for the other stuff try and shake it off, he won’t be little forever so this too will pass xx
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You’re the parent. He’s your child. You tell her that you NEED to know what went on during the day and that you NEED to exactly what he eats that as his MOTHER you have the right to know. Tell her there are rules and she NEEDS to follow them. Accept the gifts and put them away in box. I went through this and it got bad enough that I threatened to keep my child away. That she would need to take me to court to see my child. She stopped.
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Take control now . U are the mom . Talk to your husband about everything. Bless u . 
you should never have to worry. Trust your instincts.
You do sound rude. She is giving you things that have DEEP meaning to her and they should have meaning to your husband. Where is he in all of this? It seems YOU are uncomfortable but dont want to give his full side as well. If you both dont want your child staying the night then just say it to her, other than that it sounds like YOU are the one with all the problems.Your child probably does look like her son since your child was made by one of her sons Stop having her as a babysitter if you need every detail of the day, no day care is going to give you that info either. I know being a First time mom is scary but she misses her son and finds him in your child. Be grateful instead of bitter. Tell her to her face, be a real woman. If your not comfortable with someone doing something that involves YOUR child then speak up or stfu about it 
. She sounds like a great grandmother and sounds like she is just trying to give you a break. You have to stop being a helicopter parent and be a ‘not so uptight’ mom.
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Is your child comfortable with Grandma? Obviously you trust her enough to look after your child for a long period of time. A bond with grandparents is so special. I used to love staying at my Grandma’s.
I would take a hard look at why you won’t consider this. Parents need breaks, date nights, free time and you have some handed to you?? I would have been over the moon if my Mother had of had any interest.
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She sounds fairly normal to me. Grandparents like to spend time with their grandchildren. Get your husband to tell her how you are feeling and then follow up yourself. It’s hard with your first but it will get easier🤞🏽
This is a very sticky situation and my heart totally goes out to you and your husband… I think your best bet is try try and do some counselling between the 3 if you… having a middle person who is not part of the situation can help communicate what each side is trying to say.
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Let me first say I am sorry you are going through this but you are not alone at all. I had my little guy 2 1/2 years ago and this sounds just like my mom once I had him, first time mom here to. I had him late in life due to me having PKU and not finding my husband until my late 30’s. The way I explained it to my mom was that I didn’t have a baby to just have him be pushed off on her. She didn’t like it at all and he never stayed the night with her at her house until he was over a year old. No one can tell you when you are ready for this to happen and if your not comfortable she should respect the time she does have with him. Good luck.
You are very fortunate to have a mother in law so willing to be involved. I highly doubt your husband is not comfortable with letting your son stay overnight, this sounds like he is only agreeing with what you want. Coming from a person who’s childrens grandparents live 10 minutes away and only see them maybe twice a year…you really need to think about how selfish you’re being. I would give anything for my kids to have grandparents you are describing!!
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She will take great care of your son. Remember that. She may not want to share everything about their day together because she feels like you don’t trust her. So are you asking because you are trying to make conversation, or because you don’t trust her to tell you if anything is off? Cause that’s the vibe I’m getting. You don’t want her using your son to replace hers. I don’t think that’s what she’s doing. I think your baby is a reminder of her loss . She is not trying to replace her son, but maybe taking comfort in yours. Other than you and your husband, no one is going to take better care of that baby. As far as spending the night, tell her you would feel lost without him right now. She will understand.
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My mother in law also lost her daughter when they were in high school. It definitely has an affect on her and probably always will. Shes very family oriented and loves my kids so much…the only grand kids. I just recently allowed overnights (my oldest was 7 years old when I allowed him to stay overnight) but she also is a great communicator. We have a pretty good relationship so I’m comfortable with it. No way would I allow it at 1 tho. And that’s your 1st baby. Dont feel bad…you’re mom and what you say, goes. Esp if she doesn’t even want to tell you how their day went? My only advice is to sit down and have an open and honest talk with her about how you’re feeling. Dont sugar coat and dont down play. Even if its uncomfortable and even if its awkward. The only way to move forward is honesty.
Be very careful. She seems to only respect her own boundaries. When asking about his day, explain communication is what’s best for him. Let her know all your parenting decisions and all grandparent influence should be based what’s best for the child. Consistency and being on the same page is best for the child. Being in his own home, is best for the child. Another mom and I were talking how both mother in laws would only babysit at their homes. Anyone else that would offer to babysit, would always say they would do it in our homes, not mil.
Honestly, for my first son, my biggest regret is letting him spend so much time with her. She didn’t respect any of my beliefs and acted like the mom, then played sweet airhead old lady in front of my husband and her husband.
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So wow I’m completely confused right now why everyone is taking the grandmother’s side and saying how lucky you should be first of all you are the mother if you feel like there is something not right your instincts are most likely correct I personally would end it I would not let her watch my child it sounds like she is going through something very personal about losing a son and she is trying to take over and become the mother to your baby things like this do happen!!! Yes it’s sweet she wants to watch the baby for youbut she is trying to take over she’s trying to take control of the situation she is trying to act like she’s the mother!! She needs to be put in her place and that means you have to get someone else to watch the baby well then that’s what you have to do.! I would not let this go it sounds very unhealthy and maybe she’s unstable she should not be giving you things that belonged to her son that died she should be giving you things that belong to the father that would make me feel very uneasy !! looks like she is trying to relive having a son through your son and that is not healthy!!!
End that shit now !!! And she does in fact need to share information about how the baby’s day went people saying that she doesn’t is absolutely crazy!!! It does not freaking matter who is watching him its thier responsibility as the daycare provider to let you know how their day is going how he’s eating is he pooping what’s happening in his life while you are at work you are trusting this woman to take care of your child
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you are the mother and you have EVERY right to have boundaries and rules/expectations for the person who is watching your child… whether it’s a grandmother or not.
my kids are 6/4/1 and i never let anyone keep any of them overnight until this past year only if i really needed it… you are not wrong at all for how you feel.
if you wanna wait until he’s older to spend the night. then do that. don’t be forced out of your comfort zone with your child to make someone else happy.
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I think you’re reading too much into the situation. I had my grandson over often to give the parents rest and alone time and they need that. As far as not giving a moment to moment review of the day - she doesn’t want to stress you out over little things ir make you think you’ve missed out on something. Give her a chance to be grandma. What happens at grandma’s stays at grandma’s
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Allright my old man’s mom and I do not get along and do not care for each other. She had a problem of not letting me know how things are going throughout the day or when I use to let her watch my kids occasionally through the day. That’s a big problem with me cause I am in constant contact with my babysitter throughout the day she fills me in on how the day went when i get there. And I am like you independent, hard headed and completely stubborn and when it comes to my kids it goes my way or I’m not dealing with it. I tried telling her how I felt and what I didnt like, she didnt care, and didnt change her ways so needless to say she no longer watches my kids. And I understand she lost a son but your son is not her son that she lost, and she needs to respect you especially when it comes to your kids. My old man has tried to talk to her and she refused to listen to him also which made the decision so much easier to not let her watch the kids. Cause I have 3 kids and I have crazy anxiety about something happening to one of my kids and it’s not worth me worrying all day and dealing with the stress. So I would try to talk to her and try to have somewhat of a bonding moment and explain how you feel and if things dont change, then it’s up to your husband to talk to her, and then if it still doesnt change and it still is stressing you out and your not comfortable with not knowing how your kid is then find somebody else and grandma can see your child when your around and until your comfortable with how she acts or she does change her ways then go from there.
Personally I LOVE when my parents or in laws take my kids… My sister takes them 600 miles away EVERY SINGLE SUMMER. I got bashed so bad when i let her take my 6m old for a month… I grew up going here there and everywhere with family. I loved it… I have a big family. My kids thoroughly enjoy time with others. I dont force them and i dont beg people to take them… But ive never seen the big deal in letting certain people keep them 🤷
As a grandmother I am completely shocked. I myself try to help my daughter and my nephews with kids, I LOVE children. I try to go out of my way to bond with my son in law to help build a relationship with the man my daughter loves, I spoil him rotten. But then to have it all taken and thrown back at me like you do… Most MIL are portrayed as mean and people hate them, you have one trying to be a good one and you can’t appreciate her. You never said anything about her being shady, you said she takes care of you child and loves him so much she wouldn’t mind him spending the night, also what she gives you is special to her and you doubt that too. She went thru a great loss and she is trying to bond with you but you turn her down also…did I read the article wrong. No good deed goes unpunished.
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My mom and MIL watch my LO. My MIL gets her 2 days a week. She let’s me know if she needed any tylenol or wasnt eating like normal or if she wouldn’t nap. My mom is the same. So is my daycare lady. If I have a question, sure, I’d like an answer. But if nothing is going on, I dont worry.
I allow my LO to stay over places. Shes spent the night at both grandmas, an aunts when we were out of town (we were at a hotel 30 mins away for said aunt), and a couple cousins (they have kids or are our age). She just turned 11 months. Everybody is different with age and overnights. That’s not a big deal.
As far as gifting… hand downs with things that are as special as that shouldnt be frowned upon. You late BIL didnt have a child to hand things to, so yours is the next best for her.
Honestly, sounds like you ladies need to sit down and clear the air between yous.
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Try not to look at it as she is trying to take over your son. Try to change your perspective that she loves her grandson so much that she just can’t get enough. My parents and my in-laws couldn’t be more in love with my girls. And I let them be. Such a gift to have grandparents around like this. It seems super normal for me, but ask around, you will be surprised how many kids don’t have that. It’s hard to let others have control when it’s your baby and you truly know what’s best for him. Not only was it a huge blessing to my kids, but so helpful to me & hubby too. As they got older, they were so involved with sports, and school, and field trips, etc. They were my back up when they couldn’t go to school, etc. But if you cut her off now, your family may miss out on some really awesome relationships. There were times that I didn’t really like something. Like pop before bed. I would find a way to nicely get my point across without hitting feelings or making grandparents feel like I didn’t trust them. They are great people and they truly couldn’t love my kids more. And I don’t want to take that from either of them! If you want them to always be involved, and helpful, then do what you can to foster this relationship between you, her & baby now. As you get older, there aren’t as many people who will love your child this way. (if there is questionable judgement, drugs, abuse, etc involved, then all of the above advice is null and void!)
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Don’t do anything that feels pressured or makes you scared. You don’t have to please others, your job is to be a good mom while you keep your family you made happy. Your gut feeling is always right, remember that
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Try and understand how she feels when she looks at her grandson and he reminds her of her son.Please don’t try and keep him from her or letting him stay with her a night .I’m a grandma and I lost my granddaughter due to a drug addict passing out driving on drugs . She left behind two little girls .Her husband and her were in the process of getting a divorce one week before her death . Now her side of the family are not allowed to see the girls at all . My heart breaks 
every single day . So please try and get along with her and let her be with him as much as possible . One day you may regret not letting him stay with her . All she wants is to be in his life as much as she can before her time comes to leave this life .
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Sounds like she is doing grandma things.
What is the issue with him staying over night?
She knows how to be a mum.
And when she says I will let you know if it doesn’t go well she just means do t stress, get on with your day if anything out of the ordinary happens I will let you know.
She sounds like a great mil
I think you need to look at this from a different angle
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This is a very tricky situation. It does sound like she can’t quite let go. When you get married, you’re suppose to leave your family and cleave to your spouse, so whatever happens, you husband needs to 100% support you. We have 3 sets of grandparents. I don’t let any of them watch our son at their house. It’s more convenient for us to have them come to us, and if they don’t like it, then they don’t get to see him. So far, no one has complained. My aunt watched my brother and I growing up, and, to this day, my mom regrets it for multiple reasons. If someone isn’t going to listen to you or give you a thorough explanation of what your child is doing during the day, she doesn’t need to be watching him. If you were to put him in daycare, and this is how they responded, I bet you’d pull them from daycare. The most important relationship to your child is their parents. Grandparents are great, but they are not the parents.
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I think you need to be very straight up with her. Tell her bluntly that you are not comfortable being away from him overnight, and if there is no reason you need to be then you won’t. I feel like she needs to respect your feelings, she may just not realize it’s bothering you? My MIL did something very similar, the day after we came home from the hospital she was pressuring me to leave the baby with her. Which was appalling to me, I just had my first child - she’s a couple days old, we’re working on breastfeeding I’m absolutely not leaving her. It didn’t stop until I was blunt and said something. She even constantly made comments about how she “wasn’t allowed to babysit” but I was a SAHM and nursing full time, I had no reason to be away from my daughter so no, she didn’t babysit. There was no need. I also think it’s odd she isn’t giving you information about what they do during the day when you ask…you’re the mom, you’re away from you baby and you want to know how his day is going. Maybe since she doesn’t want to communicate with you, you could buy a nanny cam and set it up so you can check on him during the day, or find someone else to watch him. I think you should either sit down and have a talk with her or write her a letter. I’m bad with my words, I hate confrontation and do better writing so that’s what I always suggest to people if they have a hard time explaining themselves in the moment. If you’re this uncomfortable with how things are going now, it’s going to get worse and you’re going to blow up the longer these thing are left not taken care of.
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Let your gut tell you what to do.
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Omg. She sounds crazy. Trust your gut. No one needs to keep a baby overnight. Babies need their parents not some one to play mom…Shudder.
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simple if you and your husband are not ready for your child to spend the night just tell her, explain and be honest. I think she will be more receptive to honesty then anything else.
I hated my MIL always wanting to have our firstborn son. I never ended up letting her and then she passed away when he was almost 2. Big regrets.
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If you’re “so uncomfortable letting him stay with her,” then why are you leaving him alone with her 2x a week for over a year? If there’s a “big communication gap,” then why not have a conversation?
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A lot of comments seem to be ignoring the fact that you mentioned you have bad anxiety and worry lots for your kids. This is obviously made worse by her not filling you in on what they got up too while you’re at work. I totally get it. My son is now 7 and I’ve never needed anyone but my mum and dad to keep an eye on him and the thought of giving him to someone else makes me very anxious even people I adore. At the end of the day he’s your child and both you and your partner aren’t comfortable with him staying away over night, there’s no reason why he should stay somewhere else overnight. I think you just need to state it plainly for her - not trying to offend her just you’re both uncomfortable. She might not be happy but at the end of the day it’s your child, your choice and she has to accept that. If she can’t respect your wishes when caring for your child then she shouldn’t be allowed to look after him, doesn’t matter whether it’s a grandmother or not. People must respect mum and dad’s wishes regarding their own child
It doesn’t matter if it’s Grandma or not, if you and your husband do not feel comfortable with an overnight, then don’t. You will know when you are ready. While I do feel like she is bonding with the baby and still dealing with her own trauma, as a first time mom, it’s not fair for her to not share the daily report and keep it to herself.
I would recommend a daycare provider that offers you the communication you need, or you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. This is still your child and you need to be comfortable. TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
I am suggesting she come visit your home on your time or dropping the baby off for an hour or two while you run some errands. Don’t feel guilted into letting her keep the baby because she is Grandma. Do what’s best for you and your family.
To me it sounds like she is lonely, does she have any other children/ grandchildren or a husband? Your son is probably the sunshine in her life 
. She could be getting offended when you ask what he ate that’s why she gives you that answer? I’d just tell her I’d like to know what he has eaten so when we get home I can give him something different
I think you sound over the top to be honest… cant see the problem with sleep overs either… my mil is always having my boy bc she asks too. We never ask her and sometimes I do say no bc I want him home and I no shes spoils him but Im at a loss why your so uneasy. Is the child happy with nan bc if they are that says it all
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He may still be a bit young for an overnight, but it sounds like she adores him and he’s well cared for with her. Just explain your concerns. She may feel you ask the questions to judge or critique her rather than just a mother’s need to know… don’t go out of your comfort zone but consider her feelings and how you might be if you lost your child. Cut her a lil slack.
Have more kids and you will be like…can they all sleep over for at least a week. My first kid was the first grandchild for my MIL…she was a true smother and wanted to have the baby every weekend. I remember having feelings of “no” this is my baby. But my husband would be like…no it’s okay it will all be fine. Then my SIL had a kid and the spotlight was less on mine and I thought…that’s good. Then introduce 3 more grandkids 2 of which were mine and I was like…don’t you wanna bond with my kids too. Like All of them at once. Maybe for 4 or 5 days. Are your insecurities about you or about your kid or about her. Is she not a safe situation. Cause sometimes as mothers we have irrational feelings that we have to fight off so we arent smothers ourselves. MILs can be the biggest blessing if we can put our own smother aside. Parenting is brutal. Sharing kids with family is an important thing to do. Best of luck…it never ends.
It’s obvious that husband and you are uncomfortable and should have a chat with her! Explaining how she is trying to make up her son with your child and how you feel when you asked a question with her short answers! If you don’t feel comfortable with her answers you can always stop her from babysitting until she gets it! You are not asking to be rude but to know what wonderful things your child does! Having new perspective from someone else’s view is a wonderful thing! Like if you missed something he did! Try explaining that he is your child and Will not be doing any sleepovers until he is older and you are ready to let him stay over! It may be in a year or never! This is your baby not hers! And I would also say something about her giving you old blankets from the dead brother! I get that she wants him to be a part of your babies memory but not mirror image! Say thank you but we are uncomfortable and remember that you are not trying to hurt her by saying this things but trying to communicate so she may one day have the sleepover she so wants, and her attitude and short fuse answers keep her from you trusting her!
Even if there is nothing “wrong” with what she is doing, the fact that it makes you uncomfortable means it should be addressed.
There is an excellent book called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud that can offer some very specific guidance about how to address the situation.
It will most likely be more successful if your husband addresses his own mother directly and from a first person perspective (i.e. “this is what I need for my family” not “my wife is uncomfortable”).
Shed the grandmother and she raised your husband so she must have done something right… The child deserves to know and be cherished and spoiled by his grandmother… I don’t think she would steal him… That’s anxiety as a first time mom… I would say swallow it and let her be around him… Accept the help…
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If you’re not comfortable with him staying the night that’s perfectly ok!!!
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lots of grandparents are desperate for the child to stay, its not sinister its normal. And it wont harm your son to know he had an uncle who is no longer here. I agree you want info on what he eats etc but relax, she sounds lovely, she wants to love you and your son, that’s good
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I would just honestly say I don’t feel comfortable with him staying that night at ANYONES house until you know whatever age you feel comfortable.
Let her know that it’s not JUST her because honestly would you let him stay the night at someone else house?
My son is 8 months and my mother in law always tries to guilt trip me into it. And I tell her all the time just plain no I’m not okay with him being away for a whole night with any. Lol especially my mother in law. Lol we don’t have a good relationship anyways. She hates me because I didn’t let her in the delivery room. It was just me and my husband.
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