Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Paying for a wedding but not planning anything? - Mamas Uncut
You remember you aren’t the one getting married 
It’s not your wedding 
You’ve had the wedding you wanted now she can have the wedding she wants.
Money gifts should be given because you want to do a nice thing not because you want something out of it.
Umm it’s not your wedding. You don’t get a say. Don’t like it? Don’t pay for it.
You have to remember It’s her day 
… I assume you offered to help pay in the first place? I’m sure she is grateful for the financial help in making it just how she wants it and not what others want…
I wouldn’t pay let her do it all
You offered to help financing it, not planning. I’d be sad I wasn’t included in the planning rather than focused on the money.
U can’t give the money and exspecting for her to listen to what you want u offered your money not your input
Why are you paying for her wedding? America is weird
If you offered to pay for HER wedding…then that’s on you. She’s just trying to make her wedding what she envisioned, and planning it how she wants it. Ask her to throw some money towards it if that’s the issue. I personally hate when other people or to many people try to get involved with something I’m planning because I’m a control freak and I know exactly what I want. So maybe that’s her angle? …Or if she’s your daughter, you could…just talk to her… that’s always a good one.
So your daughter has planned her dream wedding and you are mad because she didn’t ask you what your dream was?
You offered financial support… that doesn’t come with any planning rights. It’s her day and she should be the one to plan it. Simple as that.
I don’t think this is just about the money. I would be hurt as well if my daughter didn’t include me in the planning. Even if it is just going places with her or sitting with her while she picks out decorations and invitations. I don’t have to have any say in anything, would just like to be included in something other than just paying for it all.
What you’re doing is a gift. You don’t give gifts with strings attached.
Niece did similar. They ended up payed for one hell of honeymoon to dubai and Maldives
That’s easy, I care about my daughter’s dream for her wedding more than mine. Ask if you can throw her a bridal shower if you want to get more involved. I’d recommend talking to your child rather than being pissed she has a vision for HER wedding.
You offered to pay for it that’s enough help. It’s not your wedding it’s your daughters be grateful
Its NOT your wedding, it is HER day and if she wants to do it herself its probably cause she doesnt trust anyone else. Gift are given with no expectations in return.
I mean, it is her day… and her wedding.
It’s not your wedding. If you’re giving her money just to have control, you are toxic.
This is kind of a complicated situation.
On the one hand it’s her wedding day. It’s Thier day and it should be what they want verses what other people want.
On the other hand even with weddings you have to be mindful of finances…and because you’re helping financially it’s not ok to just drop a bill in you lap and say “here ya go”
I think if it’s coming down to her taking advantage of your offer, then you need to sit down come up with one set amount to give her.
After that financially the rest is on her and her fiance.
As far as being hurt by her actions in excluding you, I have no advice here.
She should include you in things but you should be final say In anything it’s her day and you offered and she say no just tell her you would like to be around and if she wants your option she can ask and if not you would just love to feel included in the wedding being able to watch and look at the beautiful things she wants
It’s her day. She should be able to do as she pleases
It’s their day, not yours. If that’s what you were wanting, you should have been upfront about it. PLEASE don’t ruin their day because it’s not what YOU want.
You wouldn’t give someone money for a car, and then tell them where they can drive it or service it even.
I think everyone here is focused on the money part. Seems as poster is upset that she hasn’t been included, doesn’t seem to me (I could be wrong) that she wanted to dictate the wedding planning but at least get to experience some of the joys with her daughter and make life long memories as some people only get married once.
If that’s the case just explain that to her, tell her you wanna be there for her joys and see the smiles and happiness from the planning.
If I’m wrong though than yeah you can’t change her plans just because your helping pay
thats YOUR choice !! Its HER wedding !! Geesh
Well it is there wedding.and sought of tradition for brides father to pay for the wedding. And should be there choice .just enjoy there day be happy for them times have changed fraid you have to go with flow .be pleased for them xx
She likely just has her own ideas of what her wedding should be. Maybe she didn’t want you to help because she didn’t want you to try to change her mind. I hope that my daughter will include me but in the end it is a day all about her and her dreams.
It’s not your wedding?? It’s daddy’s job to pay for baby’s wedding.
Wow! Well because if I chose to pay for something as in gifting/blessing someone with money/something it’s done with an open heart and no expectations. It’s her special day and her wedding to plan.
I guess I should ask is she involving you by sharing her excitement and plans with you? Was she thankful and appreciative? If so that’s all you should expect.
Note to daughter- I learned along time ago, hope you do too, not to accept help, or gifts from others who want to hold it over you, or want to tell you how to use it.
It’s her day.
Just let her have it go off without a hitch 
She’s been waiting her whole life for this and maybe you have to but just be cool please 
I understand where your coming from. It would be so nice if she just included you to share the joy of planning. You accepting her ideas & choices but along side her as a supportive mother. It’s something y’all could remember & bond over. As far as the money I would have put a limit on it if you are not comfortable with her possibly going overboard. Maybe just share with her that you’d like to be alongside her to enjoy these moments & support her. Not tell her what to do but just enjoy the time together & bond.
It’s NOT YOUR WEDDING! let her plan her own day if she wants to…
Okay so beyond the money part, you’re just hurting that you aren’t involved correct? Why not try to sit with your daughter and not ask to help but ask to see what they’ve come up with and if there is anything SHE could benefit from; is she making her own bouquets (you could hand her flowers as needed so she’s DOING it but you’re there), is she doing handwritten envelopes and invites (you could offer to just seal them and pack them after she write them out), do they need someone to help find someone to press play on the music or anything. She might be saying she doesn’t want help because she wants to feel she was able to do all of it but tiny things like packing envelopes or whatever else is SO HELPFUL in a small way that still allows her to do all the “important” stuff herself 
My parents paid for my wedding without expecting to make decisions if you feel you should be making choices then I’m sorry you sound toxic it’s not your day it’s your daughter’s day. That’s her big moment not yours.
It is her wedding. If you are worried about the money you should have a budget in place that way she can plan around that 
It’s their day and they should be paying for it. However you helping polay doesn’t give you a say either. What are you wanting to do?
Look up on line who pays for wedding , things change , not always parents to pay , couple pays for own wedding
It’s not your own wedding to plan and it’s really just that simple!🤷 You had your own to plan… Grow up
…that’s like a bank thinking it should have a say in what you buy with the credit card they gave you
You STFU and get over it. It’s their wedding. You volunteered to pay. They don’t have to consult you on any of it. It’s not your wedding. Stop acting like a damn entitled child. No one made you pay for it.
It’s not your wedding, you don’t have to pay,you offered though out of the kindness and love in your heart. That does not entitle you to get to plan HER wedding. Ultimately if something is a bit exspensive and out of your budget you are welcome to exspress that to her so she can pick a more affordable option.
Well did you give her a budget? Also just because you offered to pay doesn’t mean you get to plan it. That’s one of the most special days of her life.
it’s her wedding and your money is supposed to be a gift. you had your wedding already let her plan and enjoy hers
If you chose to help her pay that’s on you to pay but the details of the wedding are entirely your daughters choice
It’s not about you, it’s about the bride & groom!
Disagree with most of these comments. Why should a parent pay and have no say in how the money is spent?
I understand wanting to be included…but right now it dosent sound like you want to be included because she’s your daughter but rather because you are putting in money which…well…it’s asshole ishh
As much as you would love to be with her as she plans things and picks out what she wants it doesn’t work that way. Maybe ask her if you can help. Ask her if you can do some mother daughter stuff with her like cake testing or shopping for whatever she needs. I know what what you saying I get it. Ignore the hate.
Didn’t you already have your own wedding day? Let your daughter have hers. You and her father offered to help pay out of the kindness of your hearts. That doesn’t obligate that she does what you want. If you pay for the dress are you gonna pick it out for her too? It’s her day lmao.
Paying doesn’t mean you get to plan! It’s not your day.
Went through 2 of those with my sons, didn’t get to help with wedding or baby showers really, it hurts, but you just have to move past it!!
It’s hers and her partners wedding day her choice how she does it if your not happy with it then don’t pay but you can’t expect to get a choice on someone else’s day
You have no say in what she wants for her wedding just cuz you’re paying for it
Shit I paid for my own wedding. Make them do it especially if they got good jobs!!!
Only give as much as you’re willing…
So you’re only willing to offer to spend money on your daughters wedding unless they do their wedding how you feel it should be done? That’s incredibly backwards my dude.
Set an amout your gifting to her. Let her decicde where she is spenting it. Stink to that amount. Know your boundaries. She getts what brings her joy and you also.
You your husband and your daughter all have a mutual agreement that you and her father would pay for HER WEDDING. If she wants to plan her own wedding she has every right to my first marriage my mother-in-law done that exact same thing you’re trying to do I walked out on my soon to be husband because I wanted to get married at my wedding not her wedding and she is in admitted that was her dream wedding.
It’s her day. Let her plan it.
I mean it’s HER big day. You should want to sit back and watch her dreams unfold and just feel blessed you are able to help provide for that special moment. Insert yourself when she asks and let the rest be. Choose your battles. Y’all’s babies are getting married, BE MERRY 
I think as a daughter she would want your input and help. Maybe it just is a heart to heart that you want to be more involved than a checkbook… maybe just mention you’d love to be involved in planning helping her decide something or ask what you can take off her plate
Are you paying to plan a wedding or are you giving support in financial form. If you don’t want to give money to help out then don’t but your cheque shouldn’t come with stipulations.
Planning isn’t your business you can help in other ways. Help with doing (setting up, taking down, being an emotional support etc)
It’s her wedding why should anyone else plan it
My mother gave me a limit for the wedding and that’s what I will do for my children …. But we planned together anyhow Bc this was our big day to be honest
How would youhave felt if your mother paid for your wedding but insisted on doing the planning and did the wedding of her dreams not your dreams. If you want to help ask if you can offer to help with wedding invitations/announcement stuffing and mailing. Just let her know you want to help any way you can because you know weddings are stressful also remember she is not you little girl any more she is grown and capable of making tough decisions. Being resentful of her wanting to plan her wedding makes you sound like you want to control her life still.
It’s pretty simple to me you give what you can afford and if that’s not enough they can pay the difference.
Re-read your post, think about it, and come back to us😂 because it’s obviously HER DAY, not YOURS
Wtf kind of dumbass question is this!?..
Did you not plan your own wedding already? Or are you trying to plan her wedding because you didn’t get to plan your own? Either way, just because you are paying doesn’t mean it’s your day. It’s her day, her wedding, her plans.
The entitlement here is insane! Thank goodness you aren’t my mom. I would deny your funds so quickly if you said this to me.
It’s not your wedding
Set a budget, she goes over its on them👍
It’s not your wedding.
Your choosing to help pay, you don’t have to.
Set a budget and if they want more they pay for it .
It’s not your wedding. Get over yourself. You offered to help pay, she doesn’t have to let you help if she doesn’t want to. If the only reason you offered to help was so you could have some say, you should reevaluate your parenting.
Kinda felt bad for you until your last sentence was all about money lol
I thought it was in the rules …” the brides parents pay for the wedding”…??
You suck it up its not your wedding or your day you can’t stipulate what occurs when you gift them money. You seem selfish and self centered and that could be why she didn’t seek your input.
She’s the bride, isn’t it customary for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding?
It’s her wedding, not yours.
It’s not your wedding.
Why do weddings need to cost so much. Like why spend all this cash.
Everyone’s jumping on this woman saying it’s not her wedding. Sheesh. Didn’t sound to me like she was saying she wanted to plan it. It sounded to me like she was hurt she wasn’t involved. Yes, it’s her daughter’s wedding but she could’ve still been with her when she picked out a dress or the bridesmaids dresses or the flowers etc. Some mother’s want to be involved in that stuff.
I would want to be involved and would be hurt if I wasn’t
I think she would just like to feel included thats all.
If you’re paying for all of it you should be included in the planning. If she wants to do it all they can pay.
Nobody paid for my wedding i did. Nobody planned my wedding i did. Good lord with all these comments saying it’s her wedding not yours. Ummmm no shit but why should parents have to pay for a wedding and not be included in the planning part. Blows my mind.
My mom contributed to my wedding by making my bridesmaids dresses and doing my flowers both of which we’re gorgeous but we went together to plan it and I picked out what fit our style. I don’t think parents really pay for weddings anymore at least not in all cases. My wedding was nice and not extravagant and my parents could never have afforded to pay for it. I was extremely grateful for what my mom put in to it especially cause it was hand made by her which is one of my favorite memories. Expecting to do part of the planning is odd to me unless that was discussed when offering the money. My mom was involved like went with me to places to look but didn’t plan any of it. I don’t think it’s a big deal like some are making it to be that you’d want to but not sure why you’re hurt over it. It’s not about you. I think you’re taking it personally but really she just wants her special day to be about her.
“How do the other moms go about not feeling hurt and a little pissed because we are giving so much money???”
By realizing it’s not your wedding, it’s her and her soon to be husbands. Let her plan it how she wants.
Helping financially doesn’t give you automatic say as to the plans. If you can’t live with that, then you shouldn’t have offered the money.
Since she’s your daughter, if your feelings are truly hurt, ask her to sit down and have a talk with her, and without making her feel guilty, let her know your feelings, and that you’d like to be more involved with the planning process. If she says she doesn’t want the help though, leave it at that, and let her plan HER wedding.
It’s pretty custom for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding but it’s her wedding so she should be able to plan her big day however makes her happy
Accept that its not about you and helping pay for the wedding really doesn’t mean you get to plan things.
When you offered to help pay for HER wedding (very nice of you btw) did you point out any expectations you had to tell her what aspects of her day she couldn’t have due to said payment? Did you tell her you would get to choose things for her day as punishment for accepting your money? But seriously this should have been discussed at the time you offered money.
You had your wedding day. This one is YOUR DAUGHTERS DAY. HER CHOICES , NOT THERE TO ACCOMMODATE HER MOTHER 
.
I wasn’t hurt or bothered, same situation. I am sure if my daughter wore a wedding dress, i am sure i wozld had been with her on that. She planned and I paid. The grooms family didn’t help, but I understood why. It was all good and my daughter divorced him a year later, but it’s all good. Just be there for her, or maybe express yourself to her.
I’m on the same boat right now… I just tell them what I’m doing and what I’m paying for…they have no choice…
Not your day so completely her choices but in do think you should be invited along to cake tasting etc. Whole reason I’ve denied help if because people think it creates a right to dictate how your day should be.
Make them pay their own way and don’t attend, she seems entitled and rude
If you’ve been married- Did your parents control the plans of your wedding if they paid for it?
Why are you expecting to be planing her wedding just cause you’re offering to pay? Yea it’s a nice gesture, but it doesn’t give you rights to what/how it goes.
It’s her wedding… Period. Don’t like how she’s taking control of her wedding, don’t pay for it.