Should a SAHM do all of the housework?

We have a baby under a year and I’m a stay at home mom and husband works full time at a job that isn’t that labor ridden most of the time. He claims as a stay at home mom alll the housework should be done by me and done by the time he gets home by 330 and then I should assist in his daddy son time so he doesn’t do it alone. He went to the lengths of calling me names along with lazy profusely when I asked if he could help me put dishes that he’s used into the dishwasher from now on and to help take wet clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. As per him his coworkers all believe it falls on the sahm as that’s what’s expected. Am I wrong for asking for assistance or lazy for asking ?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should a SAHM do all of the housework?

He’s a gaslighting jerk!

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If he works full-time and maintains all exterior maintenance then I would limit the request for help with indoor chores and ask for help with baby

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He works. I do the house. To each their own, but it’s kinda my job in a way.

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It’s not the 1950’s. He sounds like an awful husband. I really have no advice but wanted to let you know I’ve been there (it ended badly) and I’ll be sending some positivity your way. :purple_heart:

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I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works. I do most house work besides cooking, he’s the cook. He helps with some stuff around the house as well.

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Ima stay at home mom of 3 and my bf is the one who works. I do 95% of everything at home. He will help with our daughter. He grills. And there are times he does laundry or dishes and i dont ask.

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My husband works a hard job he is out on a roof for 12 hours in 100+ degrees heat 6 days a week so I take care of everything inside the house from cleaning to cooking even at 8 half months pregnant BUT if for some reason IAM not feeling good are just ran down best believe my husband is going to step up and cook or clean that day if I ask he has no problem doing it or helping no matter how tired he is :100:

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I say yes cause he eats he needs clean clothes and uses the toilet without you doing it or if he was alone he would be doing it.

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I’m a work at home mom and I do majority of the house work, it’s just easier. He lets me sleep in when able so it’s a win win to me.

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RED FLAGS! No ma’am!

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It takes 2 ppl to make a baby, it takes 2 to raise them. Do not believe this idiot!

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He’s the lazy one for not putting his own dishes in the dishwasher :smirk: you’re not his slave! You’re doing multiple jobs to his one job, the least he can do is pick up after himself tbh

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Then he can pay you an hourly wage

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The way he went about it and name calling was wrong. But SAHM is a fulltime job so taking care of the baby and house work is part of that job. Now outside maintenance is different cutting grass etc. I agree to a certain extent that if your home all day you should maintain it if he is working all day. People assume a desk job is not tough not realizing it’s draining. Also fuck his coworkers they have no say in your household.

Nope. He lives there too. He can do his part. He also made the child too. He can do his part there aswell. He’s lazy. And needs a reality check

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Regardless of the answer… the real issue here is how he speaks to you.

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In my opinion, that works in my house yes a sham (or dad ) should do all the work if the other person is working.

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Boy is he wrong! So he gets a break away from the house for 8 hours to talk and socialize and do a little work. Right a list of chores he’s responsible for. He’ll learn real quick

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I wouldn’t say all but most since the “home” is the job. SAHM is a lot of work. When the baby is little especially tho, it’s hard to get stuff done. Or maybe you’re tired from bein up all night with baby so you sleep when baby naps. I don’t think some help is unreasonable. Calling you names is unacceptable. Like let him SAHD and see if he’d appreciate some help here and there too lol.

Tell him to start paying you for your “job” as both a housekeeper and nanny or kindly stfu

If he’s working and you’re at home then the house is your job! However he should not call you names. No need for that.

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I think it depends on your marriage and like what your husband does for a job and if he’s home. Like my husband when he was gone a lot. Of course I did 100% of it when I was stay at home. Mom but then you know my husband. I had to understanding that he would help me out when he was so because honestly he made it more of a mess than my daughter did :rofl::rofl::rofl:

My husband works every day and still comes home and helps me around the house and we Also have a baby under 1 and he helps with the baby by himself while I do other things, yes I understand your husband works but he is still the lazy o e if he can’t put his own dishes in the dishwasher or put some clothes in the dryer or spend time with the baby by himself

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Go get a job and make him split all the work.

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Personally if I wasn’t working I would feel obligated to do the house work and clean… how else are you contributing to the relationship or family if he is working 40 maybe more hours a week and having to come home to do house chores and take care of the baby… I do understand doing absolutely everything is a bit much and can get overwhelming if people aren’t doing their part like example rinsing dishes… but if he is doing all of that work 40 hours a week you can spend 40 hours a week taking care of your home

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get rid of the leach

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I go through the same thing daily. In fact mines worse. I care for my 65 year old wheelchair bound grandma (my home job she lives with us) I also care for my 12 year old son who is homeschooled and our daughter who is 1 and his daughter when she is here who is about to be 8. She’s here all summer PLUS I take care of the house. Cook clean. Doctors appointments everything. I work 7 days a week 37 hours a week. He works 5 days a week 40 sometimes more hours a week but technically I work ALL THE TIME I only get paid for 37 hours but I literally work all day every single day

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Throw him away. Start new

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My husband works 3 jobs and travels for 2 of them and still helps in the house. He understands that being home 24/7 with two kids under 5 is hardddd and I need help too. There are some days when it’s literal tantrums all day and I can’t get anything done. There are days when I literally only get 40 minutes of alone time, of course after the kids are in bed.

So he jumps in and helps cook, he helps with all the chores, he grocery shops, and encourages me to leave the kids with him so I can get a break and have some me time. A marriage and a household (and especially kids) is shared work. I’d say straighten him out or find a new man that knows his responsibility is more than just working.

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Well, I don’t think you made the baby by yourself, I’m pretty sure he helped with that part, so he can get off his self entitled behind and help clean up the mess he helps make

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You aren’t wrong he is wrong. Marraige is a partnership and and he should take care of children that are his too. I’d give him a reality check

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Let me tell you what, having an infant and doing house work is so much easier than having toddlers+ and doing house work, lmao. So be prepared for him in the future if that’s what you want in a husband.

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I’m sorry. But ur JOB is to raise that f***ing child. Not the house work.
U both live in and use that house. It’s both your jobs. Raising and caring for that baby is your “job”. Ur a mum. Not a nanny or maid.

Him paying the bills etc is ur salary. U don’t earn that by cleaning u earn that by raising that kid.

Ur not ur husbands mother!!

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My ex husband was like this. God, I will never regret getting divorced.

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Time for you to get out while you can

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Taking care of the house is my job since I don’t work…however my husband is not my child and I am not a maid. He can put his dishes in the dishwasher, laundry in the hamper and clean up after himself that’s part of being an adult

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Idk. I worked full time, raised a baby, and did all the housework and cooking. So Imma say yes. Yes you should. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I believe 80% of it should be all on the sahm

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Get his rear in gear about shared responsibilities!

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Um, no lol you provide childcare, meals, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I would urge you to look at the cost of childcare in your area currently and see if he would prefer you have a job. SAHM are not servants and if you weren’t there, he’d literally have to do all of that as soon as he got home regardless. My husband helps me a lot. Of course, I do most of the cleaning and childcare when he’s not home, but he definitely helps me out with housework. He made half the kid, he needs to be able to spend time with him by himself. Maybe the home is your job, but every job has a clock out that I’ve worked aside from this one :woman_shrugging:

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Expectations should have been talked about beforehand. In my opinion, yes the stay at home parent should be the one to keep the house clean.

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You’re not wrong. He’s not a little boy. He can clean up after himself and help where it’s needed. Men don’t seem to get how demanding it is. And how it never stops. You should plan a weekend where you go somewhere with your friends or alone. And leave him home alone with the baby. All weekend. Then we will see what he says. Also. It’s never ok for a man to name call about shit like that. This is such a common thing, and it shouldn’t be. But yet, here we are… STILL!!

You’re not lazy. He’s not “assisting.” He’s not a guest. That’s his home. It’s his responsibility to contribute to the physical upkeep.

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Sounds like you might as well be a single mum

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No. Your job is your kid. He isn’t your child. Your job is 24/7 when he gets home he gets a break. He can help with the house. It’s his house too. He’s the lazy one. He’s a grown ass man. He can do his own laundry and dishes. If he can’t, leave. You’re not his maid.

I mean my husband will help when and where I need it but his only household chore it to take the trash out other than that I make sure to do his laundry I do all the dishes and I clean everything. He works damn hard for me and the babies so I make sure he doesn’t have to do anything at home but if I asked him to do something he would

When he walks through the door hand him the kid and a mop and go out and do what you want. He is a father and partner

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Sorry but it isn’t just your job. It’s his too he lives in it he eats in it he shits in it. Like the rest of ya he can bloody help lazy males these days honestly 80% of males these days don’t even know what hard work is…

Just curious do you all live in a place where there are no outside chores like mowing and house repairs does he take out the trash and keep your vehicles maintained

As a SAHM, I looked at it my Job was to do the house chores, cook the meals and take care of the kids (4) and I had it all done before my husband got home from work with disabilities. That’s not saying he didn’t help with dinner dishes or help get the kids bathed and to bed if he was home. And he helped with the kids on weekends and around the house. SAHM isn’t just about raising kids. It’s also about keeping a house in order as well and making sure there are meals on the table.

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D.i.v.o.r.c.e. just for the name calling alone! Not ok!

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Number one he should keep your coworkers out of your marriage because everyone’s going to say what he wants to hear, because they’re not the ones that are stuck married to him. My husband does have a labor job, he works two jobs, and he still helps me with housework. Honestly, I say he probably does most of the housework. Your husband is just being a lazy jerk

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Idk , as a SAHM my job is to make sure my child is taken care of ! If dinner and house work gets done , perfect ! If not my partner can shower and play with his son when he gets out so I can get a few other things done :woman_shrugging:

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Seriously throw that man away! You don’t deserve what he’s doing to you.

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You’re a stay at home mom not maid. Picking up after the kids through the day is part of it but when it comes to dishes, laundry and main chores it’s 50/50. He lives there he makes messes too. Secondly why can’t he do daddy son time by himself? Why does he need your help with that? He actually needs your help to spend time with his own child? He sounds worthless and lazy. Doesn’t sound like you have a partner and your son doesn’t have a dad willing to put in time with him. I’d start looking at an exit plan if this isn’t how you want to live, and he won’t budge.

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Are you his wife or his maid? His partner, or his employee? Answering that should give you your answer. Insist on marriage counseling NOW or you may be divorced soon…

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Fuck no, not at all! And if he thinks that I would leave every piece of his clothing for him to wash, all of his dishes for him to wash and he could make his own fucking dinner at that point! You’re not his mother or his maid!! My husband tried that shit he learned real quick! It was either be a fucking adult or I was leaving. Kids are hard and exhausting it’s a constant mess I clean up daily. Let alone keeping up on everything else.

Leave him home with the baby from sun up til sun down on a Saturday and let him see what it’s like. A husband that talks to his wife like that is a piece of shit as far as I’m concerned and I’d be setting him straight real quick!

Ya your husband would be single. You may as well be single doing it all anyways. Find yourself a guy that puts in his efforts. It takes TWO to make a baby. It takes TWO to build a HAPPY family/home life. It takes effort from both parties. Your job as a stay at home mom is to keep your child alive. Unless he wants to start paying for you to be a maid full time as well. Because taking care of a baby/child is completely different than taking care of a house. You bought the house together, tell him to have a little pride in himelf as a husband and home owner to making the house a home.

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You’re not wrong at all! Your feelings are valid and he should be helping you!

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Let him do it for a week and see if he can keep up

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No it’s his house also and he can help you. And it his kid and he doesn’t need you to help him with spending time with his own kid. I bet they all do think the woman should do it so they can be lazy and not do anything. Tell him to stop acting like a baby and help out otherwise what’s the point of having him around.

God this makes me grateful for my husband. I would die if someone that I married treated me like a slave

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First of all he would call me lazy only once and next he could wash his own clothes and fix his own food. See how long that lasts. Girls don’t let these damn men do this shit. If they love you and their kids they won’t talk to you like that. They will be willing to help.

What kind of parent raises a son like this?? I cannot understand how there are people still like this walking around having kids…

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I’m not reading all…but here’s my opinion…If you are a stay at home mom. Your number 1 job are the children. Then you worry about feeding them. Mind you. Any mess you make or come across…you clean up. Or at least straighten up. Now…when both parents are home. You can double team the housework. It took two to make the babies. It’s can take 2 to clean up after them.

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When he gets home all hands on deck. Why does he need help playing with his child?

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Stop doing anything for him and see how quickly he begins to appreciate what you did do.

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You’re not wrong. I’m a SAHM too. It’s almost impossible to get all the housework done and tend to a child by 3:30. And if you have a toddler, your house will always be a mess. He’s expecting too much. Also assisting in father son time? That’s not father and son time if you are assisting, that’s family time. He can pick up after himself

He’s delusional. Babies can and do occupy all of your time. Someday what gets done is keeping the baby alive and cooking a meal. Babywearing helped a ton with my first though.

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As a stay at home mom, some days are easy and some are hard. I prefer to do the household stuff and make his life easier as much as I can so when he gets home he can spend time with the kids and take care of him. Buuuut… he will make dinner and do laundry and dishes as well and doesnt expect me to do those things. Were a partnership, working together on a daily basis to make sure our home and kids are happy and maintained. Once things are expected to be done it’s no longer a partnership. And when exactly are you supposed to get you time or help doing things? Why does he need you to assist in activities with his child. That’s on him. Honestly I think you deserve better but it’s all in how you feel. Communicate how you feel and go from there. If he dismisses you then tell him you can get a job and split all the responsibilities…

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My husband usually puts leftover dinner away, takes out the trash, puts the can by the road on trash day & keeps the yard up. I’ve been a SAHM for 14 years, I do everything else 98% of the time with 3 children; one being special needs with medical needs. It can be overwhelming at times but we make a great team just the way it is. I don’t expect him to heavy clean, but I do expect him to at least pick up after himself; take off his shoes at the door, put his dishes in the sink, trash in the can, clothes inside the laundry basket. Etc…
My best advice is to pick up the best you can throughout the day and heavy clean when the kid(s) go to bed…
As for him, he’s being ridiculous… who needs to be monitored while playing with their child… super weird??? And the name calling is atrocious! You’re the mother of his child, not a maid not doing her job. Jesus. That would be the FIRST thing that was squashed. The disrespect is 100% uncalled for.

Put your foot down! You’re not his slave. Jes just being lazy!

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Wow no, child care housework, should be a joint effort. Marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. Make a schedule and break it up into days, example Monday laundry, Tuesday clean bathrooms,. If you cook the meal he should help clean up. Make a chore chart divide labor. If you’re doing a chore he should be spending time with the baby

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This is pretty common in the m4n world. We have to start setting boundaries and not accepting the bare minimum. If more people expected equal treatment in relationships then it would be more normalized and accepted. Being a SAHM is hard, and unappreciated. I always find it funny because guys say they need help with the kids and can’t handle it, yet you’re expected to handle it both while they are at work and when they aren’t. They say we are lazy or incapable and yet they themselves can’t do it alone. :thinking::woman_facepalming:t3:

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What he’s saying is unrealistic. There’s no way you can get all the housework done by 3:30 with a baby needing care. Also, it won’t hurt him to pick up after himself and spend time with the baby on his own. Sounds to me like he just doesn’t want to change diapers or feed the baby if he should get hungry. If he expects you to do all the housework and laundry, he needs to pick up after himself and to watch the baby after he gets home from work. That way you can also fix supper. Tell him to tell his co-workers you said to pound sand.

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Yes. But also he needs to be respectful enough to clean up after himself and help if you’re falling behind or too exhausted and have a lot on your plate. When it comes to deep cleaning both of you should be double teaming it on his days off. But as for light house work it’s literally just part of taking care of the kids and home and straightening up or cleaning as you go ya know? But in that process he should be taking care of the baby and give you a min to breathe cause being a sahm is hard

Btw I also only read the question not the whole post lol :person_facepalming:

Spend the weekend away. Leave him with the baby and tell him that you expect the house to be in order when you get home :grin: then he might have some understanding

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You are a stay at home mom, not a live in maid

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Leave him with the child alone for a weekend and he might change his mind

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I do all of mine as a sahm
But he doesn’t talk to me like that when it isn’t done
I have 2 kids here
Some days it gets done
Others oh well

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To each their own ima stay at home Mother of four fixing to be five next year but my man worked basically every week all day long every day and less it’s Sunday and then he has off but I take care of laundry dishes cooking cleaning kids he helps me with kids once he gets home and he helps me with taking a trash and stuff out if I need it I guess it’s just your own opinions on how you think that your relationship should work because I don’t mind taking care of the house and the kids and everything while he takes care of the money situation I feel like it’s only fair At least in my house it works perfect

Should be helping loads more women do more in one day’s work then any man
We’re cleaning cooking washing ironing being a nurse if he had to pay you your worth think how much that would be per hour

His coworkers shouldn’t be involved in your relationship and he needs to be drug out of the Stone Age and get involved. You are not his chattel

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Yes , that’s the whole meaning of a SAHM , and if he is the beadwinner, then that’s the least you can do

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for us , it’s whoever gets to it. Ofc i do some when he’s gone but when he comes back he cleans up and then helps with the baby as well. Definitely not lazy for asking. everyone needs help. even for the smallest thing.

I am a sahm to a 14 month old and am 8 months pregnant. My husband works a full time labor intensive job over nights. He gets home about 1 am wakes up about 9 am and helps with “chores” and rather cooks or takes care of the baby while I cook. It’s 100/100. Your job is the kid. Your a stay at home MOM! Not a maid or stay at home wife. I would suggest just stop. Stop picking up after him stop cooking for him just stop. If he wants food he’ll have to cook it if he wants clean clothes he’ll have to wash them. Your already a mom to a child you made you don’t need to be his mom to. And if he isn’t capable of being with the baby by himself then he doesn’t need to be left with the baby at all. You’ll see where his care really lies. Rather he’ll start pitching in or he won’t and then thats when you have to decide is it worth it to just suck it up or leave.

Sounds charming :disappointed: he needs to take care of it all for a few days. And i think i would get a part time evening job and leave him to do some childcare.

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He works all day and have to come home and work. His job is to bring home the bacon and your job is to maintain the home.

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Um. Hell no that isn’t how it’s “supposed” to be. All able bodied people that are part of a household should be participating in it’s upkeep and all parents should be caring for their children.

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Omg ew, leave him, he seems like a narcissistic jerk.

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He definitely should help if anything on the weekends and on his lighter work days. Just this week my husband asked why I can’t keep the house clean I asked him why don’t we have our own house he gets paid money I get paid with smiles and hugs. He usually does dishes on Sat and Sunday morning and makes breakfast and I make sure our kids are growing up safe and loved with self respect. It almost sounds like he’s the lazy one guys don’t know how well they have cause as soon as they left alone with the kids they usually go to their families house for them to play and are never really alone with all the extra responsibility that us moms have. Take a whole week if you need to not just a weekend that what it took for my husband to see a little more clearly. My kids still help me remind their daddy how much work I get done in a day when he starts whining.

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If he’s talking to you like that that’s not right calling you names and stuff I wouldn’t put up with that

What are you doing with such a backward loser. His mother does not know how to raise a man, if he had one he would learn to respect you. My husband works 16 hours or more a day, I raise both my kids. He helps out with laundry, yard work and dishes, sweeping and vacuuming. He may not know his way around the kitchen but he takes me out for dinners when he sees how tired I am. Thats a MAN!

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No you are not
My hubby would take the kids every Saturday so I could have some me time
They would explore every corner of Dallas. He even helped when they were babies. We would rotate getting up. He didn’t want miss their different stages. Others couldn’t understand

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Get a part time job and let him do his share, your a wife and mother Not a live in maid. He should be ashamed of himself for treating you as if your not as important to the team as he. Have a daily list for yourself specific days for certain chores also scheduled out of the house time if he’s cranky when he gets home schedule time to be at a park or out for a stroll with the littles or even in the backyard doing creative educational activities or even reading a book. Let him have his home alone time to unwind. Make sure after his time is up it’s your time. Until dinner then it’s up to the both of you to decide if dinner preparation is a together time or if you can split the dinner on certain days or you cook he cleans on those days. If he’s unwilling to help in any manner than you have to decide for yourself if you can live like that? You are incharge of you and your happiness if he can’t add to that, is it worth the effort? Personally I wouldn’t put up with being disrespected I’d find a way out and into a better life.

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No… SAHM is equivalent to 2.5 jobs. I don’t care for Dr Phil but he said that we SAHM do more than a husband at work does. Do some research I did while back to prove to my husband what we do. I’m tired of hearing that were supposed to be in the 1950’s. It’s wrong our job never ends… there’s do. Start researching you all… it’s not all black and white I’ve been married almost 19 years and 3 kids. Not everyone’s situation is the same if you need help by gosh ask for help. It’s not ok he’s demanding like that.

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