I just got married, I was married before and had three kids with my ex-husband who never really was a part of my kids lives he was in and out and now isn’t at all. I struggle to let my husband now help parents. He’s great and all but as far as discipline goes, what is appropriate and what isn’t? Am I overprotective of not wanting him to discipline them? I am so used to doing everything on my own this is hard for me to know if I’m not fair. Thank you in advance for any advice or experience!
What does your parenting plan say? Some say discipline must be handled by custodial parents only.
Your set him up to fail and your kids to run all over your new husband
You married him and as you stated the real dad isn’t there. If he is caring for, loving, and providing for these kids he has every right to discipline. Now I am not saying beat but discipline, yes.
Admonish, explain but no corporalll
Of course he should be able to discipline them. You are a team now right? He married you with your kids not just you.
yes you should allow him to discipline them some extent so that they respect both him and yourself. you decide what he is and isn’t allowed to do so that you are comfortable
Let him discipline them like you would want their real father to,you will definitely know if he is doing it wrong,
They are also his children now, he should discipline how he wants
If he can’t discipline them then you can’t expect them to behave for him. I can’t see how that would work out long term
If he is going to be a father figure he needs to be able to discipline them
You can’t expect him to truly be a part of the family if he’s not allowed in daily aspects of it.
Nor will your children ever respect him…they may very well wait until its just him and them then seriously act up because they’ve picked up on it you not allowing him to discipline them.
He should be able to remove privileges and give short or specific groundings without having to consult with you or wait for you to do it.
If you do not allow him to discipline bad behavior your children will run him. And they will end your marriage. Set ground rules with it. Like if you do not want him to spank your children make it off limits. Set up a disabling plan with ground rules. He should be able to discipline them the same way you do though. He is going to be a huge part of their lives and the father figure.
I have 3 girls from a previous relationship and I’m now married their father is married also we all agree that all parents can discipline if my kids act out at a grandparents house I would hope the adult does something about it. We don’t spank but time out and groundings and talking toos are for every adult to do
He’s the only dad they have. If he isn’t a horrible father theres absolutely no reason for him not to help parent. With parenting comes discipline.
Now obviously he doesnt get to dictate how your kids are parented. As it would be with bio dad, it’s a partnership.
do you mean spank?setting limits definitely . rules of the household YUP. rewarding good behavior PLEASE. household chores a must. But anyone put a hand to my child?nope. Time out and when out, the child must explain what they did wrong
Why would you marry someone if you aren’t going to be an equal in the household? If you married him you obviously trusted him enough to be a parent to your children.
If you want your children to respect him then yes
When he married you, he married them. He is now the father figure. He should absolutely be able to discipline them.
Not married, but we’ve been together for almost 2 years. I have an 8 & 2 year old. He has every right to discipline them, just as much as I do. We make decisions together and when one says no the other says no. He loves them the way I do, he treats them the way I do, he takes care of them as much as I do, so he disciplines the way that I do. Their father is in the picture and they are with him every weekend and his father agrees with me, that my boyfriend is to do what he needs to do during the week.
You have to set the precedent now. My husband is my children’s step father, and it was made clear to them, as our relationship and their relationship grew, that he was to be respected as a parent in their lives. He’s an amazing father, we also don’t spank, so that was never an issue. But he and I are a team, and we are united in dealing with discipline issues with our kiddos.
Even my bf disciplines my son🤷🏼♀️
Your both a team now. So yes he should be able to discipline. If he isnt allowed the kids will not respect him as their father figure.
He should be able to discipline them as much as a babysitter… admonishment, loss of electronics, time outside, etc. If you believe in spanking then he should not be spanking them.
I was in the same boat an my husband now stepped up an is the father to my 3 kids. Their real dad doesn’t come around never really has I used to have a hard time letting my SO discipline my kids also. It took me bout 2 years to finally but my guard down an let him be dad. I was so used to doing it all on my own or I’d get upset if he got after them even tho I have gotten after them I finally had to just let him play his role. They all call him dad too an my youngest doesn’t even know her real dad. Or sperm donor as we call him. It’s tough but if you want him to be there dad and be apart of the kids life than your gonna have to let him be able to discipline. What if he has the kids alone and they act up? He hasn’t to have that right to handle it hisself. And it will cause less stress for you too
You’re married, they’re his kids now too. They live in his home and visa versa. Of course he should discipline them!!
You never want him to put hands on your kids. For everyone involved. Sit down with husband and decide how ,and when you will disciplne the kids ,time out ,in a chair ,or do a chore ,whatever. But you both need to be on the same page . Write the rules and discipline down and call a family meeting ,have everyone know the rules and punishments. Put rules on wall in sight.
If he is the sole father figure, then sure. However you two need to sit down and talk about what kind of punishment is or isnt appropriate. Also, since you just got married, I would ease into it. Let the kids adjust to the idea
Oh yes he should…not spanking …but discipline…trust me if you dont they will grow up with no respect for him…your not my father you cant tell me what to do…it happens all the time and you will be living a nightmare…he is your husband and now there step father…work together to raise good kids
Do you expect him to take care of them ? Pay bills, and such???
You married him. Meaning he is now their father figure. Why wouldn’t he be able to discipline? You’re setting it up to where your children will think he is a joke if you don’t let him. Just have a talk with your husband first so you can be on the same page, and then maybe a family talk to explain to your children what the new “rules” will be. I’m remarried and the only thing I told my oldest child was that she didn’t have to call him dad. He’s been raising her for 11 years and after 2.5 years she started calling him daddy. Communication about expectations are a must so that everything is clear and understood. good luck!
I live in Ky and they do not allow step parents to discipline step children. But I believe they should be allowed. It takes two to parent, not one.
He’s basically the only father they have/had. Just like my husband and I discuss discipline with our kids y’all need to sit down and have a talk. Discuss what you’re comfortable with for discipline and what you’re not.
Honestly I would let him, if not your kids will think he is not worth of respect. But do talk to him about it.
This should have been talked about before getting married, he has now taken on the rule of a step parents and that includes discipline.
My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years and he’s the only father figure my son knows. He absolutley disicplines him, we’re a team.
You’re married, if you want him to consider them his kids you have to let him treat them like his kids. Which includes discipline. You don’t want your kids thinking they don’t have to listen to him.
If you dont let him punish your kids they are eventually not going to listen to him and it will cause resentment in your marriage and potentially ruin it. Seems like people have forgotten it takes village a reason so you’re kids don’t turn into assholes
You’re married. His kids are yours, yours are his. I treat my stepdaughter the exact same as my bio children, so I will discipline her when she needs to be, and reward her too. Just because I didn’t give birth to her doesn’t mean I’m not going to parent her, and that comes with all sides of it. Otherwise I wouldn’t be her step mum, I’d just be childcare.
If the father figure cant discipline, the children will notice and act out when he is watching them.
Let him discipline them, but also have a discussion on how you discipline or how you both want to so you are on the same page. Aka whether you’re doing timeouts, taking toys away, thoughts on spanking, grounding, or others. Both of you Being consistent with discipline will also show your kids that you 2 are unified in the decision.
One of the hardest things for me was learning that I could share the hassle of disciplining my child.
I have a 5 1/2 year old from my party days and the 1st year I did literally everything alone for my boy (including doing a 360 and changing my entire life for him).
After he was a little over a year a very wonderful man came into our lives along with his son.
4 years later and he’s all my oldest knows as dad and we have a 16 month old together.
He is VERY fair on punishments and discipline (sometimes to fair and I have to remind him not to let it slide), he treats all 3 children identical, and mine and his relationship has grown phenomenally strong. I cannot expect him to be a father but let bad behavior slide and then expect my kids to respect him (even my oldest) and vice versa. It’s rare but I have also had to discipline the oldest along with my 5 year old.
If ya’ll are going to stay together for the long run and he’s fair to the kids (not being mean just because) then you need to let him discipline them when needed or they will walk all over him, have little respect, and take nothing he says seriously.
I know it’s hard and it’s definitely a change but let that man be the best father figure he knows how to be to your children.
Once you welcome the help and allow him some of that stressful workload it’ll be like a weight was lifted off your shoulders.
Yes he should discipline them. I been married for 3 years I had one child before we got together. That day he moved in told my daughter she didn’t have to call him dad but she will respect him and listen to what he says. If he discipline her and I didn’t agree in the way he did so we would talk about it when she was not around.
She now calls him dad and the fight and all like that is her real dad. There relationship is vary strong and she respects him
Maybe not psychical discipline (if you spank) but I’d be careful giving him NO authority whatsoever. You don’t want them to start walking all over him because they know he’s not allowed to correct their behavior
I understand where you’re coming from. My bf of 3 yrs, although not my daughter’s step father, we are working towards that. I struggle a little bit just hearing his parenting opinions because I’m used to defending my choices, kid, and doing it on my own. You need to let him discipline them in order for them to respect him as a parental figure. If you’re nervous for w.e reason, start with small stuff like if he says no or stop to something completely reasonable BACK HIM UP and enforce what he is saying! You 2 need to be in agreement on what you qualify as discipline, punishments, acceptable behavior and not, etc… be on the same page as a TEAM.
I would not an tell him so
Physically, no, but I don’t think anyone should be beating on their children to force them into compliance. But non physical punishment? Absolutely. This comes with the marriage. I hope you don’t expect him to live with a kid he can’t discipline because that will kill your marriage.
I’m thinking this should’ve been discussed PRIOR to getting married!
You’ll know if it’s right. It’s how he discipline. Them.
I think you should use your own discretion, but my mom didn’t let my step father discipline me. They were together since I was 6 and I think he may have grounded me when I was like 15, but that’s it. He would just have to tell my mom and she would do the disciplining… I think kids have a hard time accepting a new parental figure, so it’s a sensitive topic that is different for different families…
He should be allowed to enforce the rules using the same disciplinary measures as you. Not only because that prevents him from crossing any lines you’re not comfortable with, but because it provides consistency, which is key to getting kids in line and following rules. If you’re concerned, then it’s best to sit down with the whole family, draw up a list of rules, no talking back, everyone listens, pick up after yourself, be respectful if yours and others belongings, no violence, whatever it is. And they go for mom and dad too btw. And then you write down the consequences. Talking back = 1 warning, then loss of x privilege. Disrespecting belongings on purpose = no warnings, immediately sent to room with loss of x privilege. Lying = no warnings, loss of x privilege. Not listening = 1 warning, x minute timeout (1 min/year until they are of age to lose a privilege like no electronics or tv or seeing friends etc.) Then everyone knows exactly what the punishment is, and no one over steps. If you do using hitting (I REALLY don’t recommend this, except MAYBE -though it’s still not necessary- in absolutely life or death, “you can’t run out in the street or I swat your behind” kind of a thing), then that would go on there too, so it is NEVER done out of anger or for the wrong reasons, because then it’s just abuse. This way there are no questions, and everyone has a say, and therefore you all take personal responsibility for the rules and the punishments. Easy peasy.
I have two kids with my ex, he sees them every Sunday. My husband can discipline as much as me BUT we went over what is allowed. He may have been brought up differently so you need to decide together how you want to discipline. He’s your husband now and will be a father figure.
As long as he is on the same page on how and went to discipline as you then in my opinion I think its appropriate
As a step-parent myself, you definitely want to do what you feel comfortable with and have guidelines (like he doesn’t jump in unless you tap out, etc). I discipline my children like they’re my own, granted I’ve raised them the last 7 years, but in all honestly disciplining them like they’re mine, has warranted a lot more respect than if I’m just on the side lines.
I think it depends on how old the kids are and how they are bonded with your husband.
If the kids are older and he tries to discipline them they might resent you for letting him take over. If they are little there’s there’s time for them to adjust.
It hard to give up caring for a children but he a good man and take care of yes with in reason with respect,not abusive
If he’s providing for the children and caring for the children I don’t see a problem letting him discipline. Just make sure y’all are on the same page about the disciplining
My fiance helps me and if he gets carried away we have a private conversation. But honestly I’m mom and my kids will push til i become frazzled and all he has to do is get a little more base to his voice and they jump to. My son definitely needs his discipline and guidance.
You need to be a consistent team, when dealing with the kids.
On the flip side, if you dont let your husband discipline the kids and only have be part of the parenting, it will put a strain on your marriage. Because they are his kids they were just born before you met, and to show your kids how love works you need to show them that as a partnership both sides work together. Also if you married him because he not only is good to you but also your kids then he should have a say, and if it’s to much or you get uncomfortable talk to him about it but dont intervene in front of the kids (unless its necessary) to show them it’s ok to disrespect their authority figure.
My fiancé and I each have kids from previous marriages . We co parent and talk about how to discipline the kids so that we are on the same page.
Yes as long as you have the same the same views of discipline as you want your children to respect both of you and not run rings around their step dad knowing he can’t tell them off
Well if hes not allowed to, what will he ever do if hes the only one at home with them? They will think they can do anything without consequence. If the discipline is appropriate then there shouldnt be a problem. If it borders more on abuse then why did you marry him? You guys became one and that includes your kids. Poor mans gunna feel alone with 4 against 1
I met my husband when my son was about 18 months. We got married shortly after and my son is now 4 and that’s Dad. We discipline the same and it took awhile for him to get fully comfortable making rules and enforcing discipline. You married him to be a partner in your life. He should also be a partner in parenting, he knew you had kids and he took them on too. You both signed up for this.
Me personally, you married him so as long as hes helping with your kids, he should be allowed to discipline them. My step mom was allowed and did discipline my children because that was my mom. Shed step in if she was around because she didn’t tolerate disrespect and they respected her. Step parents who help raise children should absolutely be able to do what parents do. I have 6 kids (all with my husband) and when hes disciplining i dont usually step in(hes their father and legally can discipline, so it’s different i know). If hes taking a role, helping you raise them, he should be able to do what you do, hes a part of the family. Only thing my husband and i disagree on is methods of punishments.
Yes he has a right to if you want him to be there dad if you dont they will never have that bond with him let him be there dad every child needs a good dad
If he doesnt love your kids the same way you do and you dont trust him to be a parent, then why are you with him?
My husband has always helped with everything! He is their daddy. Genetics don’t make him a daddy he earned his rights
You both need to have a serious talk about how you plan to discipline your children. Get on the same page. If he is helping raise your children then they need to learn to respect his authority which means yes, he 100% needs to be able to discipline them or you are asking for serious trouble down the road. Trust me on this one. It’s extremely important that the two of you get on the same page regarding discipline tho.
He is their step parent! Yes he should be disciplining the children. Have a talk about how you parent and make your choices of how to raise your family so your on the same page!
When he married you and you said I do you both agreed to be a parent in one home
Respect is needed for step dad and kids.
Discipline comes in different forms.
If their out of line then ya let him tell them to calm down or to go sit in a certain time out area.
Or let the child know that you and him will have set consequences for certain behaviors and then you will take over for anything else they might do.
before dis causes problems between u n ur now husband sit in down n tell him how u feel n how u are used to doing alone all dese years
It depends on HOW he disciplines them. If He’s caring and loving and does it with firmness out of love, of course he should. If he’s harsh and does it out of irritation, then NO.
I believe a stepparent should help parent the children, but they should only enforce the rules you have set forth. My ex boyfriend used to discipline my kids. More in a “hey, your mom said…/listen to your mom/you need to…/I’m going to tell your mom you…” Just backing me up. It never ceased to amaze me how I could tell my kids something over and over and he’d speak up and say “hey! Listen to your mom!” And they magically did. He didn’t deal with timeouts or anything major for actual discipline but honestly, had we been together longer it would have only made sense for him to further enforce my rules as sometimes he was home watching them for me. I don’t think the stepparent should discipline independently of you, but he should back up your rules and if he’s alone with them and you’re not home he needs to have the authority and respect from your children in order to handle it if your kids act up when you’re gone. He shouldn’t yell at them or spank them or anything but again, I whole-heartedly think he should be saying “hey you’re not supposed to do that, stop.” Etc.
If you where in your parents home you wouldn’t mind them disciplining your kids, you are in his home he should be able to discipline them
I’ve been raising my step kids for 9 years. I help discipline. My husband treats me as if I’m their mom (bio mom is around 1x a month, her choice). Kids will learn real quick how to play parents for things, if you don’t approach being on the same page, they’ll know.
If he was just a boyfriend heck no. But you did choose to marry this man and put him as a father. As long as he isn’t abusive then yes he should be able to discipline the children. If not then I think your relationship won’t last. It takes a village to raise children. And it will make your guns the odd man out.
First of all YES he should be able to if he is helping you raise the children. I’m at a loss though on how you have been together, are now married and you two have not had a conversation about your parenting together. Also how has this not come up till after you got married?
My now husband and I have been together for 5 years and I have a daughter from a previous and so does he, we have worked together with our children from the beginning. It was a slow process in the very beginning but for many years it’s been a 100% United front for us.
Any step parent in the home should be able to give proper discipline, that does not mean physical or violent discipline. you both need to sit down and Write down a list of House Rules, a chore list for everyone who lives in the home and acceptable consequences for breaking those rules. That way everyone’s on the same page and everyone follows the same rules.
Most women don’t like anyone yelling at their kids or telling their kids they can’t do something. If this man is your husband…he evidently is going to be a father figure in the home. One thing to be true in situations where the biological father is not there…kids will take advantage of the mother. Agree or not…children need and learn from the male father figure.
What sort of discipline are you talking about? Time out? Spanking? No supper? Beatings? How can we give relevant advice without enough information? Age of children? My guess is he’s abusive!
If you chose him as your life partner, that means that you chose him as a permanent part of your childrens’ lives as well. If there is meant to be any form of respect from your children for your husband, then yes, 100% he should be able to discipline them! If that hasn’t been a part of your routine up until now, I’d definitely ease into it, but those are now his children as well. I’d discuss it with him as well, find out what he’s comfortable with and what he’s not. There’s always a middle ground. Good luck!
Tou married him so you are a team now and that includes your children. Honestly yall should have talked about this long before yall got to the married stage
As a stepparent, I refuse to physically punish SS. I will dish out extra chores or let him know he’s gone too far and why, but when we decided to start our lives together (all three of us), we all sat down and discussed what was expected out of all of us. Pretty big talk for a then six year old . It is a bit entertaining, my SO is very ADHD at times so I’m usually the one picking up on things not going to plan, not nit picking but I realize way before SO does if for instance dirty clothes aren’t put in the hamper or a homework paper is in position to be lost forever. Kiddo knows I may be the one to say something first, but I’m also usually the softie pointing out why we do things the way we do, realizing when he’s overtired, and just in general helping him and dad wherever I can, even the unpleasant part of correction when necessary…I still thank God that my SS is such an easy child and we have such a close and wonderful relationship as a family
Yes. He’s the father figure and should take part in disciplining them. But you should both be on the same page with how you’re disciplining them. You can’t expect him too take on the father role but not do anything and still expect your children to listen to him. Especially if he’s caring for them at any time. When you marry someone, they’re taking on your kids and becoming a part of the family in every part and aspect. You can’t expect someone to be with you but not ever discipline your kids when they do something wrong. Might be different if it was a boyfriend. But being the father figure, it becomes a lot different
You struggle to let him help parent? So you are going to let your kid run all over him?
Sit down and work out a plan for raising the kids. As their primary parent who knows them best and what has worked so far you have more of a say at this point, but be open to listening to his ideas too. Work out what you will and won’t tolerate, rewards and consequences for specific infractions, any special circumstances. Ask for the kids input on appropriate rewards and consequences too, and take what they say into consideration.
If you are unable to compromise or agree on a plan, take a parenting class together or see a family counselor to get a professional viewpoint.
Then you enforce the rules TOGETHER. Revisit your rules periodically to tweak them as new circumstances arise and your kids grow.
I found having weekly family meetings where we gave each other compliments and brought up concerns, requests and anything else that was bothering us was super helpful. As complaints arise, note concerns and put them on the agenda for the next meeting & ask the requester to think of solutions. Kids as young as two are able to participate.
Everyone can make a request to change something: please stop leaving your socks on the floor and putting them in the hamper (OK, I can manage that every other day), can we have an alternative to liver for dinner (OK, liver for adults, & kids can have cereal), can I stop doing math homework (no, but we can put on relaxing music, sit with you & do it in increments of 10 minutes with breaks for other homework/activity), can I stay up later (you can earn extra time on weekends by doing extra chores, or we can try it for a week, but if you’re grumpy getting up in the mornings it reverts back), can brother/sister stop coming in my room (put locks on bedroom doors with parents having keys, or have bins for “yours, mine & our” toys, maybe identify which is which with stickers or dots of nail polish, and consequences for playing with others’ toys without getting permission or accepting the answer is no).
Discuss & come to a conclusion then if you can. If mom & dad need to talk at length, state a day & time when there will be an answer & then follow through. If it dissolves into an argument, stop, ask everyone to think about solutions and compromises & reconvene later in the week or at the next week’s meeting. You can end with a religious or secular prayer or everyone gives a personal statement of gratitude for all your blessings.
You would be surprised at how smart, creative, cooperative and accepting kids are of change when they can have a say in how things are done. They also are more willing to change behavior when they have been part of the solution.
Good luck! You’re a team now, not a solo pilot, with all the trials and joys that brings.
Why are you married to him if you aren’t going to let him be part of helping you raise them? This includes all parts of parenting, including discipline.
Timeouts, losing privileges sure but never placing a hand on your child
Age of children? His temperament? How long has he been around your kids before marrying? There are differences in men and discipline so what kind of discipline are you referring to? For me is hands off. But my son was 10 and was just the 2 of us for 10 years. Later I met my soulmate but he only talked to my son as there was mutual respect. He was 15 then. So you have to use your own judgement on what his methods would be or are. I have known some men that are very opposite when I was out of the room. Yes I caught them. They were gone…….Does your husband have children or been around children before?
If you can’t trust him to discipline them why would you trust to have them around him?
No physical punishment
Errrm. Should have been part of discipline matters. Long before marriage.
It takes many years to build that trust between a step parent and a child. Disciplinary action is a must cause they have to follow the rules period. However. There will be backlash. My husband raised my eldest 2. Their father past away. They are now adults. But they fought it every step of the way. Now they are grateful. But it takes years. Be careful with how you choose to allow him to discipline. What kind, how much, and why. When boundaries are crossed. It needs to be an open conversation constantly without judgment.
Spanking after all else fails… is still a no!
if you are married, the husband is helping support you & your kids, yes he has the right to discipline the kids. If it’s beating them…NO. But grounding them, taken away TV privileges, cell phones, etc …yes. If you are worried what he might do, then you should never have married him
Yes of course he should be allowed to discipline. You chose him as a husband and father figure for those children, if you dont allow him the right to correct wrong behavior, disrespect, and disobedience, why even bother choosing him?
I think this debate is steering away from the original question. Yes, he should be involved in discipline. You two are a United parenting front and you should act as such.
Whether that punishment is physical or not depends on your household and your parenting style.
Discipline with love ,is welcome, if the relationship is not good during good times ,then the answer is no