I am the stepmom of 11 and 6-year-old boys. I’ve been in the six-year-old life his entire life and have been for seven years in the 11-year-olds life. My husband and I ( my step kids dad) have a child together as well. I need advice on how my husband thinks that I need to do more than my stepkids’ biological mom. He has 50/50 custody and is always seeking to have them more days when he can, but he relies more on me to be there for them, and I feel that as their dad he should be the one more stepping up and me, of course, be there for them and support instead of him supporting and me taking charge of everything. Although they have their mom, he makes me feel like I need to fill THE Mom role since he feels she doesn’t step up as much as she should, and I feel that isn’t fair. I love those kids and want the best for them, and I push them to be the best they can be, but at times it can be hard. And I would like some advice if maybe I am unreasonable or maybe I need to change my way of thinking?
You signed up for that when you married him. Step parents are just as important and needed as biological parents. Change your way if thinking, those are YOUR kids now
I feel like he should be able to count on you to help him out so that he can be in his kids life as much as possible. Especially if the mother is allowing him to have her parenting time. I feel that way because I feel like if you’re in a serious relationship with someone… Their kids should be treated and taken care of as you would your own & you should be able to expect the same from him if you happened to have children that did not belong to him.
If my SO told me tomorrow that his daughter was moving in full time… I’d be at the store immediately getting what she needs to make our home hers–full time.
He also takes care of my 2 children who belong to my ex- physically mentally emotionally and financially… No questions asked as well as our two we have together alongside paying support for his daughter and a son he hasn’t been able to see for many years
They got caught in your barn. They are yours now.
They won’t need you forever and when it’s over, you’ll be glad that you did this. If you don’t do it and they see you holding back over their childhood when they become adults they will resent you. It may not be fair but this is life
When you married him you agreed that those children were yours to. It sounds more like to me he needs to step up and do more everywhere. There is no such thing as stepchildren and if you consider them stepchildren, and you feel like you do more than the mother and the father then you need to ask yourself how you truly feel about his children and him and decide what to do with your life.
I understand. My bf only get his kids every other weekend and is either asleep the whole time or not paying attention and I have to do it all. I know being w them means accepting their kids too but fathers need to step up
Suck it up that’s what you’re there for. They became your kids when he became your husband.
No their father needs to step up yea your children your bonus children but dad needs to pull more weight
Well done you ! Sounds like your a great mom and doing your best …if your husband feels that their mom isn’t stepping up he should speak to her about that …keep doing what your doing …good luck
I understand how you think THE mom role should belong to THE Mom… but if THE Mom isnt stepping up like she should… then the bigger question is why WOULDN’T you want to step up and be there for them??? You’re not trying to replace their mother… you’re just filling in the gaps… Anytime you marry someone who already has kids… you’re signing a blank check of what may be involved…
Join a step mom group on fb. It will be the best thing you ever do!!
I suggest joining a SM group. There are a lot of women that go through the same thing you are. I think that you should not be doing more than mom and you did not sign up for anything, yet alone KNOW what you were signing up for some women that have kids and do not have to deal with the other parent dont know what it’s like. And of course they will be the ones saying “you knew what you were signing up for”.
Change your way of thinking 
To see a father trying to be a better one and having his new wife not supporting sucks… you should be willing to love and care for those children. Dont be the evil step mom (not saying that you are). Change your mind and be one big happy family
I don’t agree with that at all. YOU are their STEPMOM their mum is still their mum so you don’t have to step up to nothing. They already have their parents. You signed a marriage certificate not adoption papers and you have your own child. Don’t get me wrong you can be there for them while they’re at your house but you’re not obligated to be a parent to them. At the end of the day do what you think is right not what your husband thinks is right
WoW as a step parent myself i disagree with most of you on this.SMDH.I have children and they have a step dad and i do most for my kids and i expect him to do the same for his.All this when ya married and signed up shit can go rt out the window🤦.Im not gnna get into my story because i don’t sugar coat a dam thing and its not always shits n giggles in the Step Parent world no matter what ya do🤷But i have learned if it bothers you SPEAK UP.Your hubby needs to have a convo with his kids mother as to why she slacking?And he also needs to let it be known you are an individual thats not required to do what their mother does.If there are heavy serious issues and she just really cant take the kids on ok fine figure it out or move on💁He should be the one to try and do most for his children and not even put you in that spot unless you want it and clearly its bugging you otherwise we wouldn’t be on this post💁I totally feel you on it👍 Sally Sankar Exactly💯
I feel you should treat the children as your own, no different. All kids deserve love unconditionally, do the best that you can effortlessly and they will appreciate you. It is not a competition, you don’t have to please anyone. Happiness is measured by how it makes the quality of life better for you and others around you, just do the best you can with what you have and ignore any drama that comes with it, focus on having fun.
I have 2 step sons ages 3 and 2 as well as a 3 yr old son myself and a 4 month of babygirl. Their biological mom isn’t present in their lives at all, and they call me mommy, the way I see it they are my children even though it’s very difficult at times I love them the same way I do my biological kids and I love their father. Even on the hardest days I wouldn’t change it and even if my boyfriend and I ended up splitting up I would still take on the role of being their mom.
As a stepmom (been on this road also) all I can see is he is actually taking less responsibility for the kids then making it seem like you’re the bad guy.
Each situation is different.
Some moms who stay involved don’t want the stepmom to have say in anything but will expect them to do the work.
Some stepmoms say they will help take care of but it is not their entire responsibility. They are not wrong. At all.
Some stepmoms do all the work while dealing with shitty ass moms. Some moms try their best to get along with stepmom but stepmom lives up to the bad rep.
Don’t condemn a woman for not living up to your own version of what should happen. As long as she is good to the kids that’s all that matters
What is he doing… or does he want you to step it up and take the heat off him???
You set your own boundaries.
You are with a man that children but it’s up to their mom and dad to provide most of the support and care for their children.
Yes, be there for the kids but don’t be used as a babysitter because their parents are slacking.
He’s a package deal, what do you expect? Quit your damn complaining and step up.
Same boat. Explain it to him, I think men just assume cause we are mothers we will do almost all the work. They should be grateful how much we do TO HELP as step moms
I wonder will u all ask her to step up if this are not her step children? I have a feeling it’s the usual crap where the husband falls back and expect the wife take care everything if the household while he be the ‘man of the house’ or bringing home the bacon. I hope he don’t marry her to take care of his children
Have you sat down and had a talk with your husband, explaining how you feel, and trying to work together to identify a plan that meets his, your, and the kids needs? It is not about whether you do “A” or do “B” What matters most is that he wants you to feel respected and cared for and is open and willing to evaluating the situation together. If not, there may be a bigger, more important issue to address.
My question is do you do more than him for your child? If so, then why not for the step-children. They are all his children. Don’t be the divide. Do what you would do for your child, for all of them. You are a family.
You may also want to talk specifically about what exactly “stepping up” means. You both might have different ideas and expectations about what that actually means. Find out. Talk it out. What does he want? What do you want? What works for the kids? Where do you agree and where can you compromise? Is it really fair for him to try to take them more than the 50% agreed amount of time if he isn’t going to be there to help take care of them? But is it perfectly appropriate to do so when you are all doing something together as a family? And by all means, don’t forget you need a little time for yourselves as a couple. When you truly function as a couple, you can get through anything together.
I think if the roles were reversed we would be bashing him for not taking his role seriously enough etc. You married him so he came with 2 kids. Guess what? Anything you would do for your biological child or responsibities your kid comes with…same goes for your bonus kids aka step kids. What would you do if he gained full custody? They are now just as much your family as his.
You’re right, your husband, THEIR Dad needs to do more with them for them. You and Their mom are NOT in a competition!
You have a child 24/7 . Whatever their mom does for is on her AND their father must address their mother if he thinks his children need more.
My husband has 4 children, I was not going to try to be their mother. Yes, they are step children and I am a step mother but They didn’t like even before they met me. I tried to be their step mother, friend but it was a nightmare.
Their mother was bitter, angry, and did whatever she could to make sure those kids disrespected me. So, it was their loss.
I have my own child, I don’t need disrespect, unappreciated, greedy, Lying and thieving people in my life.
I was a step mom for 17 yrs my ex husband would get his son on the weekend and leave to go out drinking or what ever else he was doing and acted like it was my place to take care of him by myself I got tired of it. So one weekend my ex husband wasn’t even home and his ex wife tried to drop him off I told her I had plans myself and she told me it was my place to take him if his dad wasn’t there I told her I wasn’t his parent it wasn’t my place to do anything for him. I loved him like my own and I was good to him when he was with me better to him them both his parents but it was not my place to raise him for them.
Why wouldn’t step up for your husband and kids? I couldn’t imagine having a different sense of mothering toward them than your own child.
I think it’s good for you to be the mother role while they are with their dad. But your position is not to replace their mom. And I feel like forcing that will just make them resent you if anything. You are just an extra person to love/support/encourage them.
Treat them as you would your own. If the mom isn’t stepping up, they need a mother figure in their life to step up.
How is this a question. My husband came into our relationship with 3 and I have 3. No one is treated differently. I do for his like I do mine. We have custody of all 3 of his. I do the mom stuff he does the dad stuff. They come to me with school stuff or sports needs. It’s like I birthed them. The mom to his youngest has always been in the picture. But gets him every other weekend
You are the BOUNUS mom. Love them with all your heart. Treat them as equals in your life. And let him love and enjoy you all. Speaking from a woman who raised 2 step children and 2 of my own. 1 with him. Love enjoy and try to be the BEST mom you can be to all. Just my life experience. In reality you must find your own. Prayers and Blessings for you all.
I think everyone is missing the point. She didn’t say she didn’t love or care for them. She’s saying that she feels the responsibilities are falling on her to take care of them. he needs to be more involved when they are visiting their father
You are not his glorified babysitter. If HE can’t take care of HIS kids he should give mom more custody. Sounds like he only wants 50/50 custody to reduce or eliminate child support. If he actually wanted to spend time with them he would be doing the parenting not pawning them off on you. Next time he leaves them with you call Mom. Tell her he left the kids again & take them back to her. Eventually shell get tired of it & take him to court for reduced custody.
Im a stepmom of 2, and i do a much better job than thier mom. We also have 2 kids together, and it is very hard to be the main parent ( schoolwork, rules discipline taking them to appointments ) and very stressful but isnt any mom in the same boat? But ur job is not to replace their mom, but to be a positive mom like figure if thier life and when they look back, they will see all u did for them!!
Do the kids want to be with him more than 50% of the time? If not, he is doing this to spite their Mom or pay less child support.
Wait…how have u been in the 11 y/o’s life for 7 years and he has a 6 y/o? I’m confused. 
Accept it as a complement and as the commitment you accepted when you took their father.
My husband pulled that with me having just had a C-section trying to take care of a newborn and his three kids while since it’s his day off he decides he gets to sleep on the couch that did not last long because I was tired and in pain trying to chase his three kids taking care of a newborn and he’s laying there sleeping on the couch I laid the baby down I walked into the kitchen and screamed in frustration he came running I looked at him and handed him the baby and said tag you’re it I’m taking a nap and I did for 2 hours
My fiancé and his ex have 50/50. We’ve been going through this big mess with her refusing us visitation right now- long story, little ridiculous- so we haven’t seen them regularly for a little over a month but when we do, I’m with them twice the time he is. Right now, because I’m still off work and home with the other kids but even when I was working too I was still spending more time with him really than him… I mean, he does dad things, he plays with them, all that, but I still feel like I have much more interaction. Sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes I feel a little resentful, but then I think, “well, then what am I here for?” And I just carry on. It’s hard, voice some of your concerns and keep on keeping on.
You definitely need to change your way of thinking, when you married him you married his babies.
I have a 14 year old bonus child who I would go to WAR over. I have been his other mother for 13 years. I treat him just like our other 3. When you married their father you took that obligation. And if the bio mom isn’t up to par it should be YOU pushing to do the things she doesn’t to make their lives amazing. Don’t expect husband to do more for them than he does for y’all’s bio kid.
He needs to be more responsible for raising and caring for his kids than you. Otherwise, his time needs to be reduced, not increased.
They should be treated the same as your children are. You knew from the start that they would be in your lives now you cannot retract that commitment. Those kids need people in their lives that want them regardless of biology or not. Aside from that, your husband could stand to help out more I am sure. But you two are a team regardless
Do u feel he needs to step up more with them AND the child you share?
If yes, your feelings are valid, and you should definitely talk about him doing better.
If the answer is no, you aren’t treating the kids equally and that’s your issue to fix
Pretty damn simple honestly.
Y’all have been together a long time and have just co existed, can you not set everyone down and have the conversation that this is permanent and find common ground to parent altogether, like as friends even?
You treat them no different than you do your own kids. You are with someone who has kids. You knew he had kids when he started seeing them. Be glad he takes the kids more than he is supposed to their are a lot of parents out there. Who could care less. They don’t take them at all.
I’m reading it as he’s requesting extra time, but not spending that extra time with them and just putting it on her. So maybe she had plans with her child to do something solo and now everything is changed, or it’s disruptive to her schedule, if she’s someone whose really busy or plans her day out.
Do ur best and that’s all u can do
Not about what their mom does or doesn’t do. They are your kids too, and you have to look at them as such! Be the best mother to them, as you are your own. Best gift to your husband, to the boys, your joint child, and to yourself. A child, is a child, regardless of parents.
The thing about custody arrangements is its HIS time with them. Not yours. You can do and act as a family unit with activities and stuff but its supost to be his time to parent. Thats the whole point.
My ex husband left me and his two children to be with a woman that had 3 children of her own. At the end of the day he was only with her for her to take care of our son (we each got custody of one child, he got our son, I kept my daughter). She did realize that he was only using her. Some guys are just like that. I hope this is not the case for you. Yes be there but don’t get taken advantage of.
If you love him and his kids as your own, how is this even a question?
Step kids are as precious as your kids forget the mum be the step up mum that’s what you signed up for 
Don’t you think your child would like as much time as possible to spend with their siblings?? Growing up I tried to spend as much time at my dads weather he was there or not. It should make you feel good to be able to care and provide for those children more than their own mother. I mean why arent you having a problem caring for your own child? I can’t imagine your husband is helping you out any more with that child than his other two. And despite what others say, yes custody agreements are technically for the father to spend time with the children but if your an actual family and if you care about those kids there shouldn’t be an issue.
If he can’t be around and take care of them then they shouldn’t be over. You already have your own child to take care of. You aren’t a baby sitter. You have a life.
Besides you are just a step parent, unless you adopted the stepchildren, you have no legal rights to make decisions on behalf of the children.
***I went thru the same thing years ago. My ex husband and ex mother in law made me watch his kids the entire summers and every other weekend. I had to pick them up, take care of them while they ran wild around the house. My ex husband didn’t spend time with them. If I asked him to watch them while I went to the grocery store he would say, “Oh no, you take them. I’m not babysitting them.” And they were his kids! It was hell… We even even share a child together.
To sum it up, if he wants more time with his children, he’d better be there to take care of them. If not, he can get them when he has the time.
If he’s requesting more time and not spending the time and fluffing it off on you…I’d let the mother know. My ex was doing that and my sons step mom was totally overwhelmed, she was burdened with that extra responsibility with very little help. She didn’t sign on for that, I was thankful she was honest and told me. My son goes to spend time with his father not to be pawned off on his spouse. So the extended visits were put to an end
So he wants more days with them but doesnt spend time with them when they r here…has u do all of the caring for?
Yes your married but their his main responsibility and so he needs to take part in raising them especially if their mother is not the best influence. Especially because they r boys and bees father guidance.
Ur not treating them any differently
But he needs to take part in the raising and not have u do all the work
These ages they can handle learning things on their own
More independence.
U also need to establish self care time
Show how u need to regroup recharge
If u dont set this everyone will drain u
I’ve recently posted anonymously on here for advice and had people tear me apart. So I’m not going to do that. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband and vent what your feeling if he doesn’t understand maybe couples therapy? You don’t ever want to be in a situation where you feel like your being taken advantage of. You know you love those kids and that’s not the issue.
You are the step mom. But in our family we don’t like seeing it as step. I tried to do for the kids like I did my very own. Actually, me and the dad divorced and I stayed in her life. I went to school functions, horse races. Me and her mom became very close and we parented our kids together. Now we grandparent together. Both our kids have kids. I feel i was blessed to have another child brought in my life. The thing is the dad dropped out of their life. So please treat them how you would want your child to be treated.
I think maybe the issue isn’t really how you are treating the kids. It’s obvious that you love them and are mothering them well. From what I read what you want is for him to be there with you more. That’s what you say. What it is you truly want. Talk to him, lovely, and,if he’s willing to listen to you, be kind. Speak from the heart. He’ll hear you. Try your best not to compare yourself to their bio mother. This really isn’t about her, it’s about him and his presence. Attack the real problem, blessings on you💜
I didn’t read all of these comments but. I’m supporting my boyfriend’s children, their mom did pass away. And all children need love and your utmost support. So I treat mine all fair and equal. User your best judgement and love them because they need it. And it will always be more rewarding in the end than you will ever know. It’s worth it.
His kids. His responsibility. You help him of course; however too many women and moms are guilty of ‘babysitting’ our husbands kids, biological or otherwise. He needs to take a more active role, and you need to talk to him about how you feel.
Children are always caught in the crossfire of these situations.
One day they may choose to live with you ALL THE TIME i would consider it a blessing you have a husband that cares for his kids. And that the kids want to be there. This is the time to make memories.
Sounds like you feel less love for your stepchildren than you do for your biological child. How would you feel if it were the other way around? If there was a stepmother to your child, would you like it if she treated your kid less than just because “she’s only the stepmom”? 
Parenting is exhausting and let’s face it moms take on more of the parenting role typically. This isn’t a problem of you taking care of your two step children this is a problem of you not getting enough help around the house. You need to have a talk with your husband and get more help. If you don’t tell him then he isn’t going to know.
My husband is out of work due to Covid and I’m still working. I remember the chores and what needs to be done and unless I remind him what needs to happen. It doesn’t happen. However, I will say he’s come a long way since I’ve started talking to him more. Communication is key.
He is a great man and a wonderful dad and I’m lucky to have him. But I truly believe guys are just built differently and they need that push.
I disagree with mostly everyone on the thread. You can love them and be supportive but mom is mom and you do not need to fill any roles as the parents should be taking responsibility. My husband parents his child and I’m here for support for both of them. You didn’t birth those children and they have a mom (He shouldn’t be bitching about her he chose her lol)
My daughter says she has two moms and two dads because we treat all the kids the same in each house there isn’t a “step” anything on our houses.
I’d say that you need to change your way of thinking. Kids=lots of work and little up front reward. We do it because we love them and they can’t raise themselves. You aren’t doing it because their mom doesn’t do enough or their dad expects it of you. You do it because you care about them and want them to have the best start they can get.
Everybody here is judging as though she said she doesn’t want the responsibility of being a step mother or as if she treats her step children differently than her biological child when in fact what I took from it is that her husband is fighting for more time with his children but in turn wants her to be the one to take on the responsibility. It’s not about her not wanting the stepkids it’s about her husband wanting her to take all the responsibility for ALL the kids on herself which is not ok.
The children have a mom and dad. Your roll is a loving caregiver and friend while in your care. You can grow to love the children but the main responsibility is with their biologic parents. Is it a possibility thst your husband is trying to get custody if his kids ( At your expense) so he does not to pay child support??? It’s happened before.
Coming from a mom who has a great relationship with her child’s step mom, just do your best . My son’s step mom goes above and beyond for him and treats him as if he were her own and I respect that and feel such comfort knowing my little monster is safe and happy on the weekends . You shouldn’t feel any pressure or stress just love them and support them in the way that feels most natural and comfortable for you and them 
My bonus kids mother is not really involved much. She gets them when it’s convenient for her. He has full custody. I treat them like my own, and I’m hard on my kids. But I’m hard on all 3. I kind of have had to step into the mom role since their mother won’t. I love all 3 of my kids. They drive me NUTS but they’re kids and I’ll do anything and everything for them plain and simple.
I feel that a lot of the comments above are a little harsh…you have to look at different angles…
Ok so he wants them over more but what does he do when they are over? If he wants them over more and Is then expecting you to do everything then no that is not fair, he should ask you
Yes this woman has married this man and taken on the kids good for her and well done but that does not mean everything should be left to her…I hope you are appreciated in the house xxx
You should love them and step up for them just as much as you do the one you gave birth to.
I am a step parent as well, I see my roll as a Mentor and friend. I am there for advice and support. Anytime there’s a disciplinarian issue I have my wife take care of it. There dad is 50/50 with us too they are the disciplinarians not me I read lots of articles on this and as a whole that was the advice. I took that advice and it has worked out well for us. They have two parents I am again the mentor the friend.
Hope that helps some
Its not a competition. I was/ am in your place and I never wanted to replace their mom, because I would never want that done to me. I took care of them when they were with us not even then they had their mom. Even though she hated and still does, I never wanted to take her place.
I definitely understand how you feel. When I met my now ex, his daughter was 6 yrs old and 7.5 when our daughter together was born. Every time she would visit he would disappear. Her mom was very much a huge part of her life and I was the bonus mom. That being said, she came to see her father yet he would fight me all the way. Whether my daughter and I were there, she would still come, therefore we were not the reason for her visit. Your husband needs to be present in all the kids lives.
Be the bonus mom. Let them be the parents but also step up and be the one they can trust and talk to when they can’t talk to their bio parents… because they will hit that age soon enough…
When they’re with you, I would say step up for them the exact same amount you would for your biological child. When they’re at their moms house, that’s on her, and it doesn’t need to be a competition on who the better mom is. Obviously he should do his part for all the kids. But when y’all have custody I don’t think they are more “his” responsibility just because of blood.
As a mom, I think we just usually are there more for them, esp if we stay home. It tends to just be the natural thing- now if it’s an issue of him not spending time with them, that’s a different story.
The kids didn’t have a choice in all this. Love them and do for them as you would your own childern!
Hopefully you are treating those boys with the same love, care and concern like your child! That is your husband and you knew he had kids before you go together, so you kinda sign up for it if you plan on staying. And if your husband feels he needs you to be more of something bcuz their real mother neglects them in a way I don’t see what is wrong with that. You never said he asked you to be their birth mother. And honestly men are lost without us. If I didn’t have lists and tell my husband and kids what needs to be done or plan things it probably wouldn’t happen. But what child wouldn’t want to be loved unconditionally!?! A child with more parents are just blessed with more people to love them 24/7! Don’t divide the children bcuz they see that as they grow and it can hurt them and resent you.
I’m just going to say this I have 6 kids. 3 of which are my step children I’ve raised them on my own literally for almost 10 years been apart of them for 11 almost 12 years. And I raise them my husband works on the road and their bio mom lost custody about 9 or 10 yrs ago so I say embrace them as much as you would your own.
you marry the whole family. I don’t understand the “step” prefix to be honest. those are your kids now. don’t treat them differently than your own just because “they have their own mom”. that’s crap.
Most are partially right. How ever it’s not fair for the dad to dump it all on his wife. That’s mostly his responsibility. Can’t choose to have them more and not take role.
They should be treated exactly the way you treat your biological child
Mom is mom yes. BUT kids first always. If they kids need more give them more. Go above and beyond always for the kids. But it really sounds like your husband needs to work as a
Team with you and the mom to make a solid base for the kids
I am confused. I have 2 step kids and their mom didn’t step up like she should have. Anytime they were with me I stepped up 100%. That was a choice I made when I got involved with a man with kids
My husband is a step dad 3 of 4 of my kids. He has never once hesitated in stepping up. He doesn’t think of them as his step kids but as his kids. You shouldn’t treat the kids any differently then you do your own child. Kids can pick up on the slightest deviation in your actions between them and your biological son. It shouldn’t be his kids and my kids. It yalls kids. And if he isn’t spending much time just with them just talk to him. Not bc it’s no fair to you. But bc all childern should have more time with their dad.
Not sure I understand. Are you attached to the children or not. I am momma bear to any child I attach to … what is missing?
Mom is mom. Period. Now with that said. My “step kids” are not my step kids they are kids. End of story. I have 3 girls of my own 2 of which are his. And he has 2 prior to us (so 5 girls and 1 boy cooking in the belly) and how I see it, they are alllll my girls
I’ve been that person. It’s the Moms responsibility to be the Mom, you are the zoo Mom as I say, do fun stuff with them!
I have four step children and Dad is the Dad and diciplinarian. I don’t like diciplining them but I will if they are totally misbehaving or they push the house rules. However the majority comes from their parents. I get along great with his kids and I love them. They respect my house rules and all is well. But the majority should be mom and dad. I don’t expect him to do the dirty work with mine.
It’s great that you love his kids and if I’m understanding correctly you are not treating you son with him better than your step kids. I think your asking why should he be asking to keep them more days and have you, alone, taking care of them. If that’s what you’re saying then you don’t need to change the way you feel. You need to talk to your husband and let him know that although you love the children you get tired and need help. I’m sure you’re tired from taking care of your own child as well. Us moms need time for ourselves too.
I don’t think it’s unfair at all. He should be there when his kids are around. Not to say they can’t be left alone with you, but a majority of his parenting time should include him. I think my kid’s step mom feels the same way especially now since my our boys are teenagers and like most teens they are testing all of us and she feels like it’s not her place to be the full on disciplinary parent when their dad is not there. I feel like it shouldn’t be that way for her either because divorce and custody puts a strain on kids and I’ve seen my kids wrongfully resent their step mom because there are times when she does have to discipline them. Kids will basically forgive their bio parents or get over whatever happens, but with a step parent it’s different because they can start seeing them as an outsider and it’s not right because a step parent already has their own obstacles to work through depending on the relationships with everyone involved
Ok from being a step mom in the past, yes treat them like your own but it isn’t fair for the father to get the kids and put it off onto the step mom either. He wants to get the kids then he needs to step up also. My ex wanted to get the kids but treated them differently than ours. They never could do no wrong but that’s because he was afraid to be a actual parent, he wanted to be a friend and basically overrule anything I say. It can get tiring as hell to be a stepparent when the other one don’t step up and expects you too. You can love them but sometimes the actual parents should step up also. My daughter has awesome step parents but we also all co parent and neither had other kids to deal with even though now my ex has a baby with someone else. But her stepmom will always be her stepmom. I got lucky. But it’s not easy when the other parent isn’t stepping up.