You need to treat those kids as you do your own kids!
You knew what you were getting into when you married him.
I really dislike the “step” kids term… they are bonus kids,
My husband has not once used that term… they are his kids… period!
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My husband is step dad to my daughter and has been in her life since she was 4 and she is now 10. If he treated her any other way than like his own it would be very upsetting to me and her. She married me and he knew what that entailed. And so did you. When you married him you knew what you signed up for and if that is not what you want maybe you need to look farther into that. When they are with you then you are their mom. Simple as that.
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Clearly there needs to be a conversation around what you two expect out of each other as parents so your on the same page. It may sound demanding of him but I think there’s a really nice compliment in there that he feels you can be the mom they need in a way he doesn’t feel their bio mom is. If your not happy with it maybe you need to make clear where you expect his support in the situation. An example would be: I’m fine with getting them more but I need you to transport them when you make arrangements I’m not expecting cause that’s an issue for me or I’m fine with doing dinner and homework but it would mean a lot if you then did bath and bedtime. I don’t think I’m hearing an issue with the kids at all, it sounds more like an issue between you both as parents working together
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It’s not unreasonable but hell, that goes on in households that aren’t blended. Try talking to him about spending more time with the kids period. Their bio mom, his expectation etc is really how you feel but the action you want is for him to take charge and I assume that means invest his time in them. Moms of all kinds have the same struggle. It’s not unusual if that helps you feel a little better!
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Does your husband not realize that 2 moms are better than 1?! If their mother wasn’t fit to have 50/50 custody, then she wouldn’t have it. Maybe your husband still has bias from their break up.
Regardless, it shouldn’t matter if they’re you’re step or biological kids, you should treat them all the same when you have them, and then of course give your baby some extra loving when they’re not around so they don’t think you’ve forgotten about them. Atleast, that’s how I’ve always handled relationships with other kids involved. I go above and beyond to make every kid feel loved and special, even when there were 4 kids under 4 (that was rough!) Plus 3 older kids.
Also, the father needs to step up and father more. Get over those possible biases and realize how lucky he is to get 50/50 shared parenting. Not a lot of fathers get that
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I feel like many comments are missing the mark here, the issue isn’t the children the issue is the lack of communication within their relationship. Speak up, that’s your husband I’m sure a conversation and compromise will easily fix this. Simply sounds like she doesn’t want to over step her boundaries and offend anyone.
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I get what she is saying. If he is requesting the kids more and is going off doing what he wants while she is home with the kids then that’s a problem. Sounds like he is looking for a babysitter so he doesn’t have to deal with them. I would definitely have a talk and express my concerns.
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Has anyone considered that this guy may be pushing his duties as a DAD off on this poor woman ? Not to be judgmental, but she sounds like a good mom who is overwhelmed. I think you should continue doing what you feel in your heart is the right thing for YOUR relationship with the boys. DAD needs to step up if he thinks there is something lacking …
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Sounds like he has faith in you and wants his kids to be influenced by you. Yes having more than 1 kid can be super hard, but to me it sounds like he believes you are strong enough to handle it. Be sure to set aside time for yourself where he has all the kiddos and you get to recharge.
I do all the co-parenting and communicating with my husband’s daughter’s mom. I’m not sure when the last time they even saw each other or spoke. (Maybe at her wedding a few months ago, that we attended, I even made the cakes) It’s all the moms. She took her to surgery alone (bc of covid-19) and I took her to her follow up the other day. Because it fell on our time. I also met up with her and rode with her to do the daughter’s dance pictures. I feel like if you step up in that role as a mom and his wife its your responsibility equally. The other kids would notice if you aren’t caring for them the same and expect him to do it. Also, do you stay at home? Does he bring in the money and work longer hours. You may care for them all day but as a dad of kids who don’t live with him all the time, he probably just enjoys all his kids under one roof when he gets home.
I have two biological sons and one step daughter. And one adopted. I treat them all the exact same. And my boys’ “other” mom (we don’t use the word step) treats them like her own. And I am SOOO thankful for her. She is my right hand. I communicate with her before I do their father because she is the stay at home parent while he works and has no clue about the day to day stuff.
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You treat those kids like they are your own kids. Kids can never have to many adults love and care for them. Yes I to raised four kids, blended family and had another to, total five and one could never say which kid was, he’s, my, our ours. They are grew up to be successful, loving adults, happy marriages. You knew when you marriage him he came with kids. You will reap your rewards when kids become adults and come to visit, call, text, holiday season, birthday, anniversary and just because. And yes I will say something that will pissoff people, its normally the woman of house that does the nuturing and everything else. Love all kids the same
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This is just me, but I’ve always went above and beyond for my bonus kids; even more so than their father or mother’s sometimes. I’ve been in this situation where there was more responsibility on me than the bio parents and it did get overwhelming especially dealing with teenagers. There was times; I told the parents they need to step up and it shouldn’t be all on me. I may love the kids just as much of course, but I didn’t create them.
Sounds like you need to have a discussion and set some boundaries.
Treat them as yours. An have your husband step up more all together. I am that so called step child in my family. An the term half siblings or stepchild would’ve never been spoken about in our home when I was growing up. A little change of thinking might help.
I feel like a lot of folks are missing what you are saying. These kids have a mom already, but their dad doesn’t feel like she’s good enough, so he wants you to take over the position. Is that what you are saying? If so, that’s something he needs to discuss with the courts. He should request that a social worker make one or a small series of home visits. If it is determined that she failing her duties as a mom, then I agree in his request for you to take over primary mom duties. BUT if it turns out he’s going based off of his personal standards (i.e. biological mom doesn’t cook them a full course meal 3 times a day, doesn’t have a chore board set up for them, doesn’t give them an allowance, set time limits for electronics, etc.), or her methods just don’t match his, yet she is otherwise a decent mother, he needs to let her be a mother to her children, and you should be one to them just the same.
If I’m way off here, feel free to let me know, OP. And good luck!
I have a “bonus” child. I have always treated her the same way I do my biological children. The same rules applied to all of my children. Of course we had primary custody of my bonus child, but she was always treated as if she were my own. She is 23 now and has given us a handsome handful of a grandson and we have a granddaughter on the way. Forget the “step”. They are children and YOU are the parent in their lives. Treat them and love them as you would your own children. Unconditionally.
I’ve always looked at the word step in the aspect of up especially when it comes in front of the word mom or dad. With this said step in step up and step to. Love them unconditionally and be there for them as their extra mom. It’s hard yes but you will never regret being there for them. Maybe your husband just thinks that highly of you. Major compliment by the way. They get an extra mom and what better gift to give them but your best self. Take time for yourself when you need to. Especially when stressed. It’s important. However look at the blessing here love. Best of luck
Im not sure. I have a hard time with this. I would treat all kids the same if it were me.
My step dad is my dad.
My real dad is in my life as well but wasn’t always around so maybe that is the difference. But when I think of my mom and dad my mom and step dad come to mind.
He was also in my life since I was 3 or 4. In the beginning it would be different but after years they would just be my children as well.
My cousin’s wife does her best and treats then as her own. She has a great relationship with them. Her mindset is that they are hers and will set expectations as she would for her own girls (her stepsons age older and are boys).
I think it would be good to have a convo with your hubby to talk about your feelings. Seems like maybe a convo will help clear the air.
U married someone with kids so of course u will need to help. It just goes with the Territory. If you think he’s not helping enough in general then u need to talk to him.
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You took on those kids as your own when you entered into the relationship if you don’t want to treat them like yours then leave. I don’t get it. How do you not want to do everything possible
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If it bothers you then your thinking is not wrong. Being a blended family is a very difficult (and also beautiful) thing, but each situation and dynamic is so different. Only people that are a part of a blended family truly understand this. Try speaking to your husband about your feelings and ask him for more support.
Step-mom/mom here! I was also raised with my bio-mom and my stepmom. The balance is a fine line! I will say that if you and bio-mom get along than by all means spend time with her! My moms didn’t and that was a raging trash fire! Yes, you are a parental figure and role model but you aren’t their “mother”. Stepping over that boundary could have I’ll affects for the children/mother relationship. But every situation is different and maybe it is for you than it was me. Just do your best and keep on loving them, you’ll never go wrong.
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You are NOT responsible for being pushed into being more of a Mom than their own biological mother and he is sending the Wrong message by putting that in your head! You are already there for them and doing what you’re responsible for. Their Mom needs to handle her business!!
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I’m just wishing u the best!! My kid’s egg donor isn’t in their lives & hasn’t been since 2010…at ALL!? (We have 4- 2 from his previous marriage, 1 from mine & our son together) I’ve tried & tried & tried to promote her being her their lives…but she’d rather not, i guess?? So, they’re ALL ours- every cpl 3-4 yrs she’ll pop up & call…it lasts abt 2 days & now that they’re older they don’t fall for it… I personally think the more love, the better!! Sadly, our situation is different
In my eyes the kids should all be treated equal. I would be happy to love them and give them the support they needed from me. I’m sure they look at you as a mom to them as well.
I understand and you’re right, but so is he. It sounds like you want fair and live them. He is looking out for the kids and it sounds like he thinks you are a better mom. Feel flattered. Love them and do what you can. It’s all about the kids.
You have to talk to your husband and tell him he needs to respect his ex wife and you… there is a boundary between being a mom and step mom… and you shouldn’t take the role of the mom because that belongs to her! He needs to understand that he is is the father and she is the mother… that has nothing to do with you… and they are both responsible for the children, not you!
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We have 3 and 3 and just because my blood doesn’t run threw them means nothing. They are all my children. They are all grown adults now and all respect and appreciate everything I said and did when they were growing up. I definitely am second mom to 3 of them
Being a step parent is the hardest thing in the world. My best advice is to just treat them exactly how you treat your biological children. You knew they were a part of the deal when you married their dad
Wow let me commend you for the post cuz it’s hard to hear ppls opinions on how you handle children so kudos to you, I think he def needs to step up the most cuz they are his children but you have been in their lives for a long time and sometimes kids need and feel more comfortable going to a woman for things. I just think do the best you can always keep their feelings in mind when your around them, these kids have so many problems with outside world they really need to know that they are loved at home and that it’s their safe place. Good luck!
You stated you love them I agree the father should do more those are his biological kids take care of them to the fullest your not there mom however you should provide for them like you would your own!
My boyfriend daughter lives with us since 4 now 13 me and my boyfriend have a child together (her mom threw her hands in the air basically and said I’m done she has mental health learning disabilities his daughter) however I try to treat her as if she was my own ( she never really bounded with me or her dad despite are efforts but we keep trying!
You need to change your thinking. I am the mother of a 30 year old boy and 25 year old girl. My daughter is my husbands only biological child but he has always thought of my son as his son too even though my sons dad was very active in his life. There is no step to it they are our kids and he is my husbands son too.
You should point out you are not their mother, they have a mother, you are there to help but not step in for her.
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I would say…try to see it from the children’s point of view…stop thinking about who should be doing more. Love the kids unconditionally…do your best for them…they will love you for it.
Since they have a mom and she is in their life then your roll is just to love them and support dad. You can love them as your own, but they have a mom already and sas needs to understand that.
I did that for 12 years and upon separation that bond was cut by my ex. Definitely need to discuss with him as you are doing best you can and definitely love and support them but he definitely needs to step up. Its a big burden to carry and in the end he needs to engage the children. Not to say you wouldn’t continue to nurture, love and support but it is not fair. Believe me we all deal with these challenges. Definitely think it should be more of his involving and not really focus on they not being your biological children. Best of luck:kissing_heart:
Married a man with a daughter. Let me be very clean she is MY daughter to now. I am the mom at my house. I have a daughter and she is now HIS daughter. You step up for a step kid. They become your child. EQUAL to and biological child.
Your husband depends on you,you’re a team, he can see that the kids being around you is a benefit he wants to benefit them. By you stepping up you are showing that you love him and the boys. Sometimes we get overwhelmed take a time out with the girls or dinner with your husband and then jump back in and give them the best you have.
Yes you are being unreasonable… I had step parents… So if you think dad should step up instead of you, maybe you should take a step back yourself and think about how you would want your own kid treated if you and your husband split. Raising kids is hard, raising step kids is harder. You can either do it like they are your own or should never do it… Period
I’m a step as well to my husbands children.we have been together over 30 years my children were both older ,my husband had 2 older children they had there mum but was welcomed at our home any time
We had lots of special time together and still do we have grown to love one another over the years I found it like walking on glass at weddings and special events as there mother would not speak to me at all till we had a big family funeral .when I asked her to stay and be with the family as it was her family too.
We had been married 20 years!
We now have Christmas as a family we often sit an chat like friends together sad we couldn’t do it earlier.my husband also had a son aged 7 when we got together he spent a lot of time with us had his own bedroom toys holidays and we saw him most weeks .he now has a family of his own there is a very special love between us and shows it which is lovely My two sons don’t have much to do with there step sisters and brother as they have made there life elsewhere
And have there families.
We my husband and I are now in our 70s have no children together but we are lucky we have the love of a mixed family
Children grow up too fast love them make memories they will never forget and know you are doing the right thing for you and the children in your care. 
This isn’t a “are you a good stepmom” thing, it seams like more a “step up dad” thing. Tell him you love being like another mom to these kids but you need more physical and mental support with all the children involved. Tell him you have no problem having them more often, but then you need more help from him as well.
My husband has 2 kids who are adults now… they were 13 & 15 when we got together… & I have 2 kids who are 16 & 12 who were 8 & 3 when we got together… there is no step… there were times my husband had my kids more than me or their dad… & same with me having his kids more than him or their mother… we are all in this for the kids… even as adults if my husband’s kids needed something & their parents can’t help… you bet I would… ive watched them grow up… sometimes I’d work nonstop & not see my kids… while my son’s dad works out of town… uhmm we all love these kids…do what’s best for the kids without the drama
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I understand if hes always getting his kids and leaving them with you for whatever reason! If hes not making an effort to actually spend time with them, I dont think you should have too all the time… if it’s just because hes working, but sees them when he gets back, idk… I would prob watch them…
I don’t know if this has been touched on but start communicating now about where you need him to step in and help. This sounds like it is his parenting “style” and you may find you will need more support with the 3rd child, as time goes on, as well. Getting on the same page about parenting “styles” is totally necessary. My husband is a great guy, but he is a guy, sometimes they have to be told things that are obvious to us. Love and Blessings to you and your family.
Time is short. You will never regret spending more time with your boys/kids. I would cherish every minute- and enjoy it. Ive always considered step is just a word. You are a mother- you have kids. Treat them that way.
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I get you are tired and maybe feel a bit used up but you married a man with two kids please treat those babies as your own when they are with you they need to feel loved and welcome of time is an issue then you may need to chat to your husband about in my view the kids should be treated the same
If you love them be the best mom you know how. If Dad isn’t doing his part for any three kids, tell him.
It may be about gender roles and disparity there.
You get into a relationship with someone with kids (especially after the first year or at most 2) and you do become mom as well. I don’t care if you’re married or not you step into the role fully or you might as well step right out of the relationship completely. We have 7 kids. From the very beginning I stepped up and treated them as if I had birthed them. I ran them where they needed to go, bought them the things that they needed, cared for them while he was working nights etc… when you’re a family, you’re welcome 100% a family…
As the mom and having an overbearing step mom in the pic (always trying to one up and out do, control etc) I have told my
Ex that her role as a step parent is to support him
And our daughter not be ‘the mom’ as that is my job. I love that she loves and cares for her and guides her… but HE is the parent - he needs to put in the effort to get our daughter where she needs to be and communicate with me. I did not marry or have a child with her so I feel, as open as we are, the main communication should filter through him. It’s a tough spot. But I don’t disagree. You love and care for them and you are part of their lives in many ways - but you will never be mom or dad. And mom
And dad should take their responsibility seriously and not pass it off just bc it’s easy or you are willing
My bf kid is my kid I dont care if he has another mom. That’s my child too and I treat him like hes mine. I will be his step mom one day and I cant wait. Kids are difficult and yes ur husband needs to step up as their dad. I completely agree.
This is how I’d look at it if I were you. you taking on more responsibility isn’t for your husband or for the kids mother, it’s for the children. If the shoe were on the other foot wouldn’t you want your child’s step mom to love and treat your child the same way you would? You just don’t know how much positive Impact filling the “mom roll” can make on them kids. They may actually need you and love you for it. They’re innocent, change your way of thinking.
Do you treat the biological child different? So you “mother” that one more and feel dad should do more than you with the step kids? I’d that us the case you are wrong. They are all your children and when with you should be treated as such. Especially since they probably don’t remember not having you in their lives. I married my husband and he had a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I had a 6 year old and a 3 year old and we had two together. They are all our equal children and my stepsons are the same. We did the same completely with how we acted with all six. They are mostly grown now. My step sons love me at a mother as well as their “mom” and I love them equal to “my” children
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I have “step son” good Lord I love him. He has a mom no, he has two moms. He does not call me mom but that’s about the only difference between him and my other kids. He is my son too. I love him so dearly and now he has grown and his son is my grandson. Please don’t make them feel different from your biological kids. They may grow up to be as amazing as mine has.
Parenting should be a joint venture, you do what your good at and he does what hes good at, and together do whats needed, you knew going into this relationship you were gonna have to Parent and you may be the best thing to happen to these kids, Mom on!!
I have 2 daughters not with my hubby and a stepson. Thankfully we all get along very well especially me and his mom. We have the same views most of the time, the way I look at it is I married his father so I chose to take my stepson too. He was very young when we got together and I wouldn’t treat him any differently than my own two. He knows I care for him deeply and I’m always here for him. I‘ve never been the one to step on toes he has a mom I’m just the bonus lol I never say I have a stepson I always say I have 3 children just like his stepfather he took him under his wing as well. The way we look at it is we all come together for him and he’s very lucky to have all 4 of us. Chelsea Munn
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I’m a stepmom. And I have 2 of my own (same father for all the kids). I have always treated all the kids the same. Wanted the same things. Even with things ugly with their mother (keeping them from dad, in and out of our lives). Never changed the way I feel or do for them. Delivering discipline I left to dad. That was the only line. I supported his decision on what to do when it came to them. I would offer my opinion, but never told him what to do when it came to them. They are (young) adults now. They see me as a mom (not always call me as such and I’m ok with that) and I see them as mine. They know they can come to me. My heart is full.
Sounds like he needs to step up as a dad and not put so much responsibility on you. My husband has been in my sons life for 12 years and treats him as his own. My hubby cooks dinner 2 to 3 times a week and does laundry. He and my son have a lot of one on one time and my son and I do as well
So, I do not have step kids or step brothers etc. I do have a half brother that I don’t really ever refer to as a half brother but for this comment I will. My dad treated my brother as his own. I imagine that it would be a difficult thing to do as a step-mom for several reasons- one being that you wouldn’t want to overstep. But if you’re all coparenting then it’s not overstepping. I sort of see your point though when he asks for the kids to come over and then sticks you with them. That would piss me off too and yes I’m sure I’d love them like my own but, they’re his responsibility too. If he’s asking for them to be with you guys to piss off the mom, then the motivation behind it is wrong. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to say to him something along the lines of “if you want the kids extra time, you need to be there to help…” going from one to three is a big change in responsibility even with an 11 year old. I can tell you love them and it’s not that but I see how it’s a fine line you’re walking. If he wants them over more then he should be helping more.
I’m not a step parent, but my dad is. My mum had 3 kids in her first marriage. Then she met my dad and had my brother and I. My dad treated all us kids the same, and it wasn’t until I was old enough that I realised my siblings didn’t have the same dad as me. Because dad never treated them any different to how he treated my brother and I.
My suggestion: change your way of thinking. I’m on the other end. I have a 17yo that is my husbands step son, and my husband and I have 2 other younger teens together. I hate the whole “step” thing. We never use those words… that’s very hurtful to me, as someone who grew up personally in a split family. When I ask or “expect” things of my husband, or say things to him to discuss about our parenting the oldest, if he makes a comment about what about my sons dad- my feelings are: He is not my concern. You are the person I’ve chosen to be with. You are the one here, in our home. Regardless of what the other parent does/doesn’t- I just don’t see how that matters.
I would also encourage you to think about the fact that many “step” parents may be happy to be in ur situation, as many feel they don’t have any say. In your case, your husband seems to be asking/giving you complete say as if you too are the real parent. Be thankful for that. He relies on you bc you are his wife… yes she is their bio mom, but clearly he isn’t w her for a reason, so what she does or doesn’t do or how, is irrelevant as he can’t control that…
Hope that makes sense… just sharing a perspective from the other side. 
I know its tough regardless, so I pray you guys can figure out how it can work best for you!
You’re not being unreasonable at all! He is their FATHER!! And you are actually going above and beyond as a stepmother. Their MOTHER needs to step up and your husband needs to NOT put so much pressure on you! You’re fine. Hang in there. I’m
divorced and I absolutely still hold up my responsibility as my child’s MOTHER and I expect my ex-husband to continue being a FATHER and the only expectation I have of my daughters stepmother is to be kind to my daughter. Your husband is out of line.
I understand cause they have there mom, it would be different if they didnt but you also have to understand if u have been in there life for so long they see u just as much as they do there mom, and maybe u dnt see it now but be the best u can on what u can and it’ll pay off… but u should talk with your husband that no matter how much ull step up on things they will always listen to there mom first.
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Makes sense. You cant do everything. My x is like that. Made his new baby mama come pick my son up and everything. As soon as she was in his life he had someone to do everything he didnt want to do. So she did everything and he didnt nothing. She left quick too.
In my opinion, I think she is feeling some resentment towards her husband not the kids. But she is between a rock and a hard place. Loves the kids, but is still not the bio mother, thus if her husband wants more time with his kids, be there more too. As a step kid and having step kids, fine lines can be hard to navigate, unless both bio parents can communicate and agree. Step kids will often play both ends too.
I hear you. If I told you my story you wouldn’t believe it. I’m a 60 year old women now. I wish we were next door neighbors. We would have lots to talk about and I would surely listen. God Bless you. It’s hard.
my dads girlfriend has been in my life ten years (since i was 12) and has never tried to have any sort of relationship w me and i resent her. so that’s up to you how you want them to feel in ten years.
It depends on a lot of things, their relationship with their mom, your relationship with their mom etc. i have a 16 y/o stepson that i have raised since age 2 and his mom is just not capable of parenting period. She shares joint physical custody 50/50 but no legal guardianship. My husband has to sign all papers etc. but I do all the actual stuff, schedule appts, check homework, provide a shoulder, discipline…I also have a son of my own who’s a year older and we have 1 child together. His mom is aware of the dynamic and is appreciative that I was able to be a mother to him earlier in his life when she was not. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t come with some difficulties. He is technically my stepson but he calls me mom and I call him my son. I don’t know if this actually helps you but it all kind of depends on the dynamics with everyone else and what they need? You don’t want to step on bio mom’s toes so maybe you have a conversation with her about what boundaries are needed/comfortable for everyone?
I think the dad wants the kids to love u more than their mom to his advantage so that the kids may want to stay more with him than their mom
I think your right in your approach, maybe see a counselor so he can understand his role as a father and respect your role as a step mother
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Me and my husband have 5 kids between us. Mine, his, and ours. But honestly, none of them know the difference. They are all raised exactly the same. Where one parent may fall, another makes up. The only thing that matters is every child gets what they need regardless of where it comes from.
My daughters father hasn’t been around much this year (his choice) and my partner has step up massively I didn’t ask him and I didn’t expect him, but he has. Both children have never been happier, we’re even hoping for another soon.
U need to tell him how u feel, he doesn’t just know.
I think you need to change your way of thinking. It’s a tricky situation but the kids deserve every opportunity. I’m not down on you, I just think kids deserve the best we can offer them
Oh my gosh. I have to say agree with you. I had a similar situation. My significant other and I had three kids, two boys his, one girl mine.
He was a tight wad and hatred having to pay children child support so was always doing the same as you spoke of above but for financial reasons mainly. I had no issues with his boys at all only with him using me to have them extra days than he was able to be present for to lower his children amount. His boys didn’t come to see me. They were there for him… which is what I finally had to put my foot down about. His boys had better things to do than sit and wait for him all day and into the night…
My husband is step father to my eldest daughter and father of my 2nd daughter and he treats them both equally! I never ever felt like one is more than the other… tomorrow is my eldest daughter bday and he drove 2 hours to get her the bike that she want! also bought a guitar to teach her to play guitar… and lately she has been into kites so he got her a kite…
I did NOT even realise all these things, I did not know she is into kites and wanted a certain bike…
it is all him!
But on your case… Yeah you both need to do it EQUALLY… no matter if it is a step of just your child. in this case your husband has to step up also… 50/50 that is the rule.
I have a 'step’mom since I was 6. She had a son from a previous marriage. She was my mom just like my bio mom. Was at my dads, followed hers and his rules. She wasn’t trying to over step or take over she was being a parent. One that I am grateful for cause she helped me become the person I am.
Have a sit down talk with you, husband and the kids. Talk this over and see what everyone feels.
From how I am understanding what she’s asking is of course treat them equally but if the set up changes and he has them more and hes pushing for it he needs to step up and not rely on her to do what he thinks she should. Men have a habit of relying on us to do more even if there hasn’t been a discussion. Maybe she already has alot going on we really don’t know the situation. Treat them the same but when it comes to the responsibility your taking on he should ask before assuming you’ll do it.
Your BONUS kids should reap the same benefits , attention , rewards as you and your husband bio child. The kids none of them asked for this situation, its the situation they were given by their adults.
I’m curious to know why you wouldn’t think they should ?
Look up A.C.E - Adverse children hood experience. Might change your mind - thought process. Good luck momma
Yes the kids are treated the same for responsibility, and chores and punishment to be fair. But if a biological parent is not stepping in and showing the kids that they are there for them what does that say to the kids if the step parent is there more for them? You shouldn’t not be there if they need you but the parent should also want to be there for their own kids.
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What’s wrong with him wanting you to mother all his kids not just the one you have with him? Their kids for heavens sake you should be able to give as much attention an love to them as the one you have with him . You chose him knowing he had them so step it up
As a step parent I would say first off lose the step part and don’t forget they all came as a package deal you decided to love the Dad be there for the kid. My “step” daughters treat me better then they do their own Mom I was there to listen be a friend and help guide. I have four wonderful daughters and I love them very much.
My parents split up when I was 2 years old then they both got remarried so I had 4 parents. However my mom and dad both were active in my life and I was lucky that they got along with the other ones spouse. I was an only child from my mom and 1 of 6 from my dad. I also had a step brother from my step mom. Both of my step parents were supportive and there if I needed them and treated me as if I was their own. But my mom and dad let the step parents have a say in what the rules were in there house so if I did something wrong at my dad’s then my step mom had a say same thing at my mom’s house. But it came down to my parents making the final decision.
I’m just going to say I am not a step mom but my daughter has a step mom. She is always cautious to do things (like make up, dye hair, cut hair… she’s 14) thinking I’m not going to “approve” of her doing it. I’ve told her many times, when she is with her dad & even just with her I don’t want her to think of herself as step mom. I want her to 100% step up as THE mom when she’s down there. If she is treating her as 100% as her own I know she’s in great hands🤷♀️ maybe your hubby sees it the same way? Kind of? Just my perspective
I’ve been mum and step mum . When his three children were with us we split the responsibility between us . We had six combined . I tried my hardest to include his kids in every way possible . I’m pleased to say even though the dad and I are no longer together I still love those kids and they are grown adults now who call me their second mum. I had to look after them while he was at work and while their mum had major surgery . My children’s father remarried and she is and was the " wicked" stepmother to my three children . Only one out of my three have anything to do with her . She was insecure ,desperate manipulative and helped make things very difficult for my children with their dad . I think the best you can do is try to love unconditionally and support your partner in these years of custody . But don’t get taken for granted either . Communication is so important and try not to judge the other mum. Good luck .
Explain to him that you will always be there for the kids but it’s also not just your responsibility, he is the father and he is the one with the custody not you. You must treat them as your own but he also need to be the father and needs to be involved more as well.
Whew!!! My heart goes out to you!!! I would have a serious talk with my husband!
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You should have the family experience with the children together. Hubby should agree to help them live the family experience with 2 parents present, you and hubby.
It takes a villainess to raise kids. The dad and singleton should be as involved as you! If the biological mother has an issue with your input, the adults should discuss.
You should be doing for them as you do for yours. If you are more of the caregiver for the child you have together then that is the role you have taken in your marriage and it generally follows thru to the rest of the children as well. We have 8 kids, 2 were his from a previous marriage, 2 together and 4 adopted. I have always been the go to for all of them. His children’s mother called me and relied on me for all scheduling, planning or issues. It’s the role I assumed from the beginning and it’s just how it worked out. They’re adults and married now and my son (step) calls me for advice all the time. He comes to see me everyday. They have a mom but she once told me I’d make one hell of a replacement if something happened to her. If you stop thinking of the divide, it’ll go away and you’ll just be a family.
While they are with you its up to both of you to parent them but If he is asking to have the kids more, then going out and leaving you to it that is not on. Next time he arranges extra time with them either make plans to go out alone or organise something for the whole family to do. As for his attitude about birth mum he chose to have kids with her he needs to discuss the issues with her instead of expecting you to pick up the slack.
No your right if it’s your husband’s time to visit kids then he should be visiting his kids. It’s not fair to you to spend more time with them then their natural parents are.
That’s his packages you decided to marry. Take those kids in AS YOUR OWN. Just like you would to your own. They are your kids sibling , and your kids. I think you should do things as a family… and I understand you think it’s up to him to spend more time with them but I feel only if it’s with all the kids and not just his
Don’t get involved with people with children if you do not want to the role of a parent, period. There is no step (at least not at my house) they are our kids. That’s it; we don’t take score.
I’m the grown stepdaughter… I could see at a very early age that I was not loved or appreciated as much …as Stepdad loved his ONLY SON!!! & by 8 or 10 …I was watching mom favor him also… now I’m a great-grandmother… it still hurts sometimes … I try treating …all my kids n …grandkids n …great grandchildren equally… while still respecting… their differences…
It depends…i feel like once you commit to him you commit to his kiddos 100% just because he’s not home or is not as involved does not mean you shouldn’t be…
Seems to be that if you have to ask this question then they dont mean as much to you are you say they do.
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I don’t sugar coat anything so brace yourself. They are just as much your responsibility as his, just like the child you have with him. The fact that you are even asking (complaining?) if you should be expected to step up shows you’re not any better than their subpar mother. You are either in that marriage 100% …and that means treating his kids like YOUR own…or you are failing ALL of your family.
You married him with kids. You should act as if they are yours when they are with you.
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It’s what you signed up for… you are the mother figure when they are with dad. Just make sure you and mom are on the same page. Everyone’s situation is different so I cant tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Perhaps step 1 is a convo with dad so you are clear on his expectations and step 2 convo with mom so you understand her expectations… if their expectations clash… then they need to talk about it so you dont find yourself at odds with either parent. Best thing right now is not assume #ittakesavillage
I guess you could consider me a step mom, but when my ex and I were together there was no step anything. He is now 21 and if you ask him who his mom is he says me. You are a family. you are now a parent, family isnt always blood.
Remove the step, your with him and his kids. If bio mom isn’t doing her job then it is your job. Otherwise leave and let him find a woman who will.