Regardless of what the mom and dad does if you love them, let them know you love them! Always let them know.
I mean… Why would there be any difference in how y’all parent his kids and yalls child… They’re all your children… I can’t even comprehend why this is such a concern
Personally there is no difference between biological and step parent in my eyes, if you decide to enter into that family you give it 
I am in the same situation and I feel it is not fair as I have the kids more than him and his ex. I often feel used because of it. It also doesn’t help that his ex poisons the kids against me so when he’s not around they are ignorant towards me. It is not an easy situation at all. And people who are commenting that you are being unfair need to be more understanding.
The issue here is not really about the kids or how good of a Mom you need to be.
The issue is “My husband thinks I should.”
This may sound like a bitter pill but husbands are most likely always going to think their wives should do more and they should do less.
It’s a fundamentally different way of “conditioning” THEIR women to focus on THEIR needs vs OUR needs.
I think you should deflate the conversation altogether by either by ignoring it all together, OR freaking out in protest over how incredibly unappreciated and ungrateful everyone is for what you ALREADY do, no one is afraid to speak.
I can’t believe the double-standard, over the top responses, be a better Mom lunatic responses you are getting here.
Nope, you have your kid, he is responsible for his. Yes, teamwork is important, but you’re stepmom, not mom to them, and it’s hers and his responsibility to be there for them. If he feels SHE isn’t stepping up, then it’s HIS job to stand in that spot and provide/make up for it.
Lol and I’m over here in my bonus kids life for 5 months and I’m doing all the Mom things… why? Because I’m a Mom, and I’ll be a Mom to any child that needs it. You signed on for those children as their parent when you married their father. Step up and be who you’d want someone to be for you, if you were in their shoes.
Not your place to be mom. They have a mom. Unless she’s neglectful or abusive, you are second mom. If he wants more time, then he should make more time. You have a child, would you want someone else to try to take your role as mom? Clearly, if you guys split, he would be ok with someone replacing you as mom.
They’re all “my kids” when they’re at my house. My boyfriend’s daughter is one of my closest friends. We spend a lot of time together.
Does this go the for your biological child as well? Maybe I’m alone on this but I find it kinda weird after 6 or so years its like you’re separating YOUR kids.
As their bonus mom you should treat them as your own but they are also his kids and you shouldnt be taking more responsibility than him. He needs to take responsibility for them as well
I’m confused…he’s trying to get more thsn 50/50, but is trying to fill the mom roll because she’s not stepping up as much as she could…how can she if he’s trying to get them more often?
Tell him how you feel. We as women shouldn’t be scared to speak our mind. Yes, you can be their step mom but you are not obligated to act like their real mom. That is something and someone that can’t be replaced as much as he would like to be.It’s not your responsibility it’s his and hers.
People it’s not that cut and dried.
I was a step child and you are not my biological parent so don’t pretend you are.
There can be respect but pots hard
Ask your husband if you are the live in nanny or a family member to the family. If he says family tell him he needs to be your partner in the kids lives. If he says nanny you may have more to deal with than you relized.
I don’t believe in step parents. The fact that you differentiate between them is disgusting. I hope the kids don’t see or feel the ugliness of your heart.
You need to change your way of thinking. You love your husband right? Why would you treat them any different?
Step parenting is hard. Just love them when you have them and let them know you will always be there when needed. That there should satisfy your husband.
I agree with you. In your household, since he is the father, he needs to take the lead role in their lives & you assist him.
My two cents for what they are worth is this… I would do everything for my stepkids that I would expect my husband to do for his stepkids ( my children)
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Treat them all the same biological or not they still need a voice and to be loved and cared for.
They need a mom, and if and when you feel you need to step up, do so…
But he should not EXPECT you to. You are right for feeling this way, and you should discuss this with him.
As the step child myself. - don’t let the boys feel less worthy. As the step child I felt it the difference
When you married that man with kids those kids became yours and vice versa. If you don’t want that you don’t need a man with kids and don’t expect him to go above and beyond for yours
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I have two kids that are not biologically mind. One from a previous marriage and one from a current. But they are my kids and i make decisions for both.kids should feel love from all parents involved. The father maybe should spend more time but then i am not sure if maybe the husband works and you dont or what the situation is. But there is nothing i would not do for all 7 of my kids. Weather i produced them or not
You just need to do the same for them as your biological child and all will be ok.
Treat them as your own. IDK how that works, but it sounds like that is the right thing to do.
If everybody is solely looking out for the children’s best interest, then there shouldn’t be issues.
You do the best you can.At the end of the day the real mom should do more and tbere dad.Do not be hard on yourself .All you can do is be there friend and guide them.
Dad needs to step up and not put it all on you
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It sounds like he’s expecting you to do his parenting for him and that’s absolutely not fair.
Do for them as you would your own child, but do not let him shirk HIS responsibility.
With being in their lives that long I would treat them the same as my own child.
Tell him exactly what you told us. My husband takes care of my kids 2 of them aren’t his but he has never complained. I know that if he would tell me I would definitely understand.
Imo you need to step up. I have bonus kids too and guess what? He didn’t pick his shitty junkie mom but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a MOM. You have the ability to be that for his kids. Don’t push them away.
Idk because if my husband has kids then they are my kids he can go on a guys weekend and i will still keep the kid. For me there is no yours mine and ours its just ours.
Be step mom cause that’s what you are he needs too understand he needs to step up too the plate for sure
Well, My husband stepped In and raised my two oldest daughters as if they were his own. We have 2 children together. How would it be wrong for you to treat all of your children the same. You married a man who had kids before you met him. So, if they see and feel that you love them just as much as you love their half sibling then I don’t see it being a negative thing. If their mother is neglecting some things and you are able to pickup the slack without complaint, they will appreciate you more as a mom who stepped up to care for them even though you didn’t have to. Parenting is a ministry… it is a calling from God and if you accepted these boys as your own, it could only bring you blessings beyond measure when they give you grandchildren one day.
I say think of it this way when covid-19 hit us all of the schools closed and as parents we had to step in the role of being their teachers. When they are in school we expected teachers to teach. When covied 19 hit we were expected to be the teachers if we didn’t teach they wouldn’t learn. Be there for them but speak with your husband about his role!
THEY will remember who stood by them and their needs when they grow up.
Treat all 3 kids equally… that’s the way it should be.
Step into the boys shoes for a moment and reflect on their needs. You’ll have your answer.
Some of yall should go back to her original post & read it slowly, or maybe twice. Reading comprehension is sorely lacking by some of the comments here.
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You have not clearly defined what you mean by “stepping up”. although many posters have assumed you are referring to disciplinary issues. I feel like you aren’t identifying the things he’s asking you to do because these are the things most parents do.
I feel like half the people that commented, need to reread your post.
He shouldn’t be asking for more time if he isn’t going to be around.
It’s part of being a stepmom. Some real moms dont do as much.
Dad needs to stop comparing you and the other mom. U are two different people. Do with them What u would do for your biological kid nothing more nothing less. It’s kinda like this, when my daughter visits with her aunts she’s under their rules, their rewards, etc. each of them is different. If one of their children would get In Trouble for something, my daughter would get in trouble too if she did that same thing. If she takes her kid shopping while my kid is with her she’s going to buy my kid things.
Same with either of their kids. When they are with me they are a part of me and my family. And I just tell them straight up. Those are your moms rules these are mine. When u are with your mom remember to follow her rules. I mean I know there are certain things they are really really not allowed to do and I just don’t do it at all when they are around. Ie my daughter is 15, they are all 10 and under so we watch movies appropriate for their age.
If there is a possibility for all 3 of u to work together so it doesn’t feel like a competition of who is the better mom (and dad is instigating that) then that would be the best thing. Believe me I know that doesn’t work for most. It didn’t work with my ex at all.
Doesn’t sound unreasonable at all,the father and their biological mother need step up for their own kids play their role
Change your way of thinking as a step child myself it was world changeing that my step dad treated me like his own and he had 7 biological kids and my mom treated his 5 from his first marriage as her own be 100 percent in you have no idea the difference you will make in their lives
You’re not trying to love those kids if this is a problem
He should absolutely be spending the time with them and play more of a role than you do.
Treat them as well as you treat your blood child. They never asked to be step kids. Selfish adults made that choice for them.
You should be honored. I understand the frustration as I have bonus twins. It’s not about who is the parent, but who supports the kiddos. It takes a village, especially these days. There are certain things I wont do with my bonus kids, but all the kids are treated the same. His, mine, ours. None get special treatment, they all get little date days with the both of us. Half the time my bonus kids come directly to me before dad. It’s an honor they know I love them the way I do and they trust me the way they do.
When you are with someone with kids you’ve signed the deal to treat them as your own.
You’re not unreasonable. You’re husband needs to step up.
I respect you 10000% for your stance in this…no you are not unreasonable…matter fact I think you are a wise woman to not try & outdo/compete with or replace your step children’s mother…you are absolutely on point in expecting him to be more involved since he is always wanting more time /days with his kids…why fight for more time if you are not available to spend it with the kids…unless there s some ulterior motive…maybe he’s wanting more time with the kids in order to tip the scales in his favor for example when tax season comes around…IDK…just doesnt make much sense…but hats off to you for playing yoyr role…you can love your step kids but you cant replace their mom and should it appear that you are attempting to do so it would probably not sit well with the mom…then you and her may end up at idds with each other which would not be good for anyone…once again I applaud you…some men play women against each other in this way to boost their ego…and some women/stepmom take the bait and this creates drama in the relationship…then the kids mother get blamed gor causing trouble when she defends her position as their mother…while the man is off to the side looking all innocent…
His ex his business. From experience don’t put yourself in the middle of them.
Be there for them but if it starts to feel too much tell him
You sound like u should not have married a Man with Children…
All children INCLUDING step children should be treated the same/equally. If your not acting as a mother figure for your step kids and treat them differently/do things differently than you do for your biological child then Yes, you are in the wrong and your husband is correct. When you married him, his children also became yours. If you feel differently than maybe you should not have a married a man with previous children. My biological kids and my step kids get the exact same treatment/love/support… etc by both of us.
If you don’t view them as yours…at this point…maybe there are bigger fish to fry than working out the details of who watches them on ‘his days’.
He probably using you. To take care of his kids
Do nooot agree she does what she can she loves them but her hubby needs to get OFF her CASE and pull his own finger out of his bum .
Take the word Step out of the equation. They’re your kids too bc you married in to it.
Or is he making u be the dad and that’s what you resent…?
I am a step mother as well . Tho I have a wonderful relationship with his mom. My husband works 12 hour shifts so when he’s home he’s with me . If he does something he knows he’s not supposed to. I discipline. If he does something he knows we approve of he gets rewarded if he asks for money I make him earn it. Chores around the house. I don’t treat him different than my 3 biological children and I know some may not agree with a step parent actually filling a parent role but to each their own. I buy what he needs and what his brothers and sister needs. They don’t go without. I take them to the Drs . I talk to the teachers at school when his mother can’t make it sometimes she can. I married his father and I gained a son. … his mother is a wonderful woman and she’s still around she knows who has him when he’s here he’s also 14 but she knows if she needs something for him we got it. Just as I know if I need something for him she’s got it. It’s never been an argument with us. We’ve never not gotten along and that’s how it should be.
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The first thing is stop calling them your stepchildren, you knew he had kids they come is a package so if their his they’re yours treat them as such
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When you marry a person with kids… They are no longer STEP KIDS they are your kids and should be treated as such… You can not treat your “step kids” different than your bio kids… kids pick up on it quicker than adults too… you need to make this more about the kids and less about yourself and your husband
What kind the question is that?
Your biological kids and step kids need to be treated the same. The same effort needs to be for all the kids . How would u like it if your biological kids were treated any different?
You will be the one they turn to in times of trouble and you will be the one to celebrate their success.
When you married him it was a package deal. You treat those kids as your own. I have a daughter who was 11 when I married her dad. She was my first child and I have never treated any different than my own. I did everything I could for her and still do she is 40 now.
If you married the guy knowing he has children you must treat them as your own when they are at your house. I’m a child of a broken home and there was nothing worse then going at my dad’s and having her treat me different then my brother and sister she had with him. I felt rejected, unloved, unimportant, less than, put aside…etc It hurt my relationship with my dad as I was angrier and angrier as years went by. I would suggest you speak with your husband to get him more involved with the kids when they are at home, and continue being a great step-mom. Because yeah, there’s a mom part in it, and it counts very much the impact you can have on them. 
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Put the children first
His and yours ! Show them unconditional love
TREAT YOUR step CHILDREN the same As YOUR shared CHILD…
Focus on the all caps!
If you feel comfortable in marrying him then let him teach them how to become young men. Mother can’t teach them all things that a young man should know so let your husband step into his role of being a father figure and let him show them the way into being or becoming a young men. Do what you know that is right for those kids a don’t be so hard on them but let them know that we are in this together and your are trying to build a good and solid relationship with them and not trying to take the place of their biology mother but you are only trying help them learn from your up bring as well their. Let your husband know you can wear only your size shoes not another woman shoes. Sometime you need to pull your shoes off and let him take charge! IJS
Love kids all the same. They are kids.
There is no “step” … treat them babies as your own . They know . Thier momma knows and thier daddy knows you are not their mother . Sorry but if their mother is slacking and you love them babies then you shouldn’t have any problem picking up the slack . Sorry you married the man , the children and knew about the ex . If you didn’t think you could do it you shouldn’t have . I have 4 boys , 2 of them not biologically mine, my husband works crazy hours and his ex does hardly nothing , yes I know I’m not their mother but I’m proud to be able to be a good motherly figure in their lives , I’m proud to Teach them all I can and spend all the time I can with them. I treat them as my own . I couldn’t imagine being in a child’s life all it’s life and feel this way?? Just seems like you don’t want to be a “step” mom
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Take the step out of your vocab your mom to
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Tell your husband what you just wrote. He needs to step up.
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Those are your kids now too. Step up
His, mine…never mattered. They were all always OURS. No question
My parents split up when I was 12. ( I’m now 40 for the record) My mother began dating a man that later became my step dad not long after my parents split up. Never once was there his and her kids. My dad raised us three girls and we lived with him. My mother lived with my stepdad and his three kids. All together we are 5 girls and my brother. We mixed and mingled whenever we wanted at each other‘s houses. They were is Sunday dinners at my mom and stepdad when we got older. When we were younger throughout the week we randomly went back-and-forth between each other’s, houses we all live in the same town. I could walk to my moms house. There was no schedule for visitation . As far as were concerned there were always six kids in the family, not 3 and 3. We were all treated the same and equally by all three parents involved. My dad ,my mom, and my stepdad. And I mean everything from punishments to birthdays to pick up and drop offs at sports. There were six kids. They were lucky that some of us kids did the same sports when we were in school. If you are a family that is mixed children from a previous marriage and a current, or two different previous marriages they all become your kids. And they are all to be treated the same and equally from all the parents. If not all the parents, at least all the ones in your house. He was never my stepdad, he was my second dad. It will be two years in July since he passed 
I miss him every day.
My husband acts like a father to my two boys just as much as the one we share.
My ex husband wasnt in the picture muchbuntil recently and my oldest is almost 7 and my other is 4.
My husband knows I handle discipline for the most part. He can do time outs and take away privallage but not much else in that regard because their biological father also handles discipline to a certain degree.
You can be there for them as much as you feel necessary. Their step mom does not cross any lines and always checks with me before doing anything
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If you are married they are your kids.
I feel like you should talk to him not us.
Do you have a good relationship with the ex wife
He needs to step up and be in there life
Maybe he’s putting his responsibility on you.
He can pull his finger out of his BUM .
I would say no your thinking is dead on
I agree with the OP.
Men finding replacement parents is all too common.
I understand what you are saying. I felt that I could never be their mom. What could I possibly do? Especially since they were 12 and 14 when my husband and I got together. They came for summers. When I became pregnant with our son, the younger one stopped liking me because he felt I was taking his role away as being treated like a baby. That was my husband’s fault for treating him that way. There have been some ups and downs. But once my husband and I got on the same page, it has been perfect. You can always show them love and continue to make them feel that they are just as special as the child you two have together. I think that you and your husband need to focus on getting on the same page. That is what is important. That way there is no resentment towards one another. Find the best way to work together as a team and make all of the kids feel loved. No extra for anyone. Of course a baby needs more attention. But I would just suggest doing your best to not make it seem like your child means more. They are just kids. They read things even though we think they aren’t able to yet. Have a serious conversation with your husband. Not an argument. A team work convo. That will be the most important thing in all of this. You guys will work together and everyone will feel special. You need to feel special also. And you are for doing your best and reaching out for advice.
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I think you are on track with your way of thinking…My ex husband tried doing that…thinking he was going to “replace” me with his 2nd wife… they BOTH thought my kids would just accept that and think of her as “mom”…and instead, she earned my kids unconditional hatred. My two, now 19 and 15 absolutely despise her and they both have said repeatedly that when they have their own places, they won’t have another thing to do with their step mother. They dug their own grave with what they tried to do. Those kids have a mom and I highly doubt that she doesn’t take care of those kids…because she wouldn’t have 50/50 custody if he had any actual relevance to make that claim. Sometimes when someone is bitter, they will unfortunately use the kids to punish the other parent and that isn’t ok…it sounds like what your husband may be doing. I think you should trust your instincts on this one and maintain the respect you have shown those kids mother by NOT doing what your husband wants. If he is doing what is seems he’s doing…those kids are going to see it themselves soon enough, and he will drive them away from him…it will blow up in his face. I respect you for not being that person who thinks they can just “replace” a childs mom…and I’m sure that is the same courtesy you would wish for if your child had a step parent.
You married a man with 2 kids. His kids became your kids period!!
If you feel like his kids are less than the one that you 2 created than you need to walk away & let him find a woman who will do the job that you/she signed up for!
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Ok so I got a little off track with the comments here but here is my advice for the topic at hand: First off I would talk to your husband. Is the bio mom a bad mom or does he just not agree with her parenting style? No 2 people are always going to see eye to eye. If shes a decent, hardworking, loving mother then taking her kids away isn’t the answer. They need to learn to better communicate on what’s best for the kids. Forcing them away from a loving mother will only make those kids resent him, especially if he doesnt step up to the plate after doing so. Also how would he feel if the roles were reversed? If she tried taking them from him so her new significant other could take over his role as their father? Everyone is different (parent and children) and no child is the going to stay the same from birth to adulthood. They grow, learn, and change therefore as parents we need to grow, learn and change with them. Mistakes are part of the job. No one is perfect. If he insists on demanding more time with them, stress to him that that is HIS time with them. That you will be there for both him and them to love and support them however possible, but HE is their father. A step parent is an ADDED bonus, it is not a replacement for a loving parent
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