I was in a very toxic relationship a few years ago and the abuser happens to be the father to my children. He often tries to come around once every few months but my kids are getting older and don’t really know him.
He once tried to kill me infront both my kids were on the floor playing beside us, as they screamed and cried for him to stop that was it for me. I left.
He once told my daughter she needs a new daddy and that he is not her father and they don’t want anything to do with him. Should I make them talk to him? He has an extremely bad drug problem, and he has been in and out of jail countless times in the last few months.
I recently got diagnosed with BPD & PTSD, a lot of things that happened in our relationship I wouldn’t even remember if I didn’t write it down. I had boyfriends etc and every relationship was failing so he always degrades me for that. I left with nothing, had no money or anything so I started an OF and then not even a month later deleted the account but he always posts and continues to degrade me. Am I wrong for not making the kids see him? Am I wrong for not forcing them to talk to him?
Coming from a person whos parents were separated. Let them decide what they want if you feel they are able to make that decision. That’s what my mom did when it came to my dad, mind you I was younger I didn’t have a say but it was never just me and him there was always someone else with us. But when I got old enough she let me decide as then it’s my choice if I want a relationship with him or not and then I wouldn’t be mad at her if she had forced me to see or didn’t let me see him.
I don’t know if court is an option and you could go for supervised visits?
If he’s on drugs absolutely do Not let them be around him. At the very least not unsupervised. And if they don’t wanna talk to him don’t make them. He sounds very toxic
Never force your kids to have a relationship
with someone especially if they’re unsafe. If he wants to get clean and step up then he will. But you can not force him. I think you need to cut him off and get a legal agreement that says he can only contact you about his kids.
Speaking from personal experience, let the kids figure out what kind of dad he is for themselves. My dad prevented me from seeing my mom for similar reasons. Not only do I have absolutely no relationship with my mom but I hold some resentment for my dad.
Allow visits when he asks for them, provided you or someone can be there to make sure the kids are comfortable and safe.
I’m going to keep it simple…
No you are not in the wrong for protecting your children… even if it’s from their own father. And dont worry about the OF thing, bet hes done some things to make money he ain’t proud of either, or for drugs
In my opinion don’t feel bad for not making them see him. You don’t need someone that toxic in your life or thiers. Especially them and definitely not if he is doing drugs. That brings too much stress, anxiety, and problems. Coming from someone who has had to deal with this trauma growing up. I wished I could have been away from all that negativity.
My EX husband was abusive in every way possible. I have full custody. He’s suppose to have supervised visits but the last time he showed up my son wasn’t home so I told him to leave. He’s had NO contact with my son since Match 2020. I won’t let my son ever be alone with him!
If you have diagnosed mental issues, you can’t make the proper determination. A child development professional is best suited to make that call for you, and for the children.
“Constitutional rights do not mature and come in to being magically only when one attains the state defined age of majority. Minors, as well as adults, are protected by the Constitution and possess constitutional rights”. Planned Parenthood of Central Mo v Danforth, 428 U.S. 52, 74 (1974)
“Niether the Fourteenth Amendment nor the Bill of Rights is for adults alone.” In re Gault, 387, U.S. 1, 13 (1967)
THEY don’t want to see him & in this case they have valid reasons so your aren’t just keeping him from them, you are following your children’s wishes more then anything.
Support their decision on what they want to do. Just supervise and protect them from abuse and neglect and always be loving and supportive. Keep your feelings about away from their ears.
He is your ex and he has a drug problem. Aside from not letting the kids around him unless he is clean, stop giving him so much control over your emotions. His opinions of you no longer matter.
Nope you ant wrong I am going through the same thing and like my kids are better off with out there looser dad and anyone who says you shouldn’t take a kids dad from them well he took himself from them way before I did .
Imo, its important for kids to have a relationship with both parents.
If hes ever done drugs in front of your kids, keep them away.
I also suffer with BPD and let me tell you it’s like a living hell every single day.
But with that being said, I’m also a mother of a 2 year old. And if someone did drug or was on drugs (cocaine, meth etc) around my kid, they’d never get the chance to again unless they prove they’re clean x
EDIT TO ADD-if the children are old enough to make up their mind, let them.
Hell no you’re not wrong! It’s up to him to make an effort & even then you get to set the boundaries & decisions in the children’s favor. If he’s unhealthy & mentally / emotionally abusive (to you or them) I’d probably do any contact with them supervised & very sparingly, if at all. I’m speaking from my own experience on this. You being a healthy mama yourself & protecting your kids worlds & what they experience is up to you. Don’t ever feel bad for making decisions that are best for them, no matter who affects, even if its “family”.
Coming from someone in the same shoes… my lawyer told me that I’m chancing losing my kids too. I live in TX… where we basically are a mother state but most judges will say that parental alienation is just as harmful… my daughter would refuse to talk to her dad for a long time… but i wasn’t allowed to not answer or have them hear what he had to say… so I’d answer and my daughter would set it on the counter… He wasn’t reliable or even consistent with seeing or talking to them…
A childs opinion is what matters hun. If the kid doesn’t want to interact with the father then don’t force it. Make the child understand that it is their choice and your happy which ever way they decide. That way down the road no one can say you stopped the visit. The child will always know it was their right and you respected that. If you try to force it now the children may feel like you didn’t respect them later and hold it against you. When the child decides to speak to him just be supportive of their thoughts and opinions and be open with them about your concerns. Having that open communication will definitely help you sleep better at night if they do decide to let him in their lives at some point
No hun I was in this situation an I made my son go but his dad a new girlfriend started fighting in front of the kids social got involved an stopped contact an took his girlfriend kids into care I got told if my son sees his dad then they will take him into care my son is so much happier without contact xx pm me if you need to talk xx
Support their decision. My 5 year old has recently started saying no when his dad asks for him. I told him its his choice. I will not force him to go if he doesnt want to. The last time he seen his dad was a month ago and before that it was like 2 months. His dad has never been constant in his life
I get that he was a terrible partner to you, but I hope you don’t put him down in front of your kids. They are still half him and if they think he is vile and terrible because of things you say, they are prone to believe that half of them is bad, too.
If they ask about him, just say he has some struggles in his life which make it hard for him to perform all the responsibilities as a dad right now.
YES you are wrong for keeping the kids from him. He is their dad, you are telling them that he is a bad dad. You are saying negative things about your ex to your kids and that is wrong.
Do what’s best for your kids. They will see with their own eyes. And don’t let that man make you feel any sorta way about anything. He’s your past and your not going that way. Do what you gotta do because obviously he’s not going to
You should protect yourself and your children above all else. My youngest daughters father was abusive and toxic. We split, he would go months without seeing her and then pop up. I tried a few times to come up with a visitation agreement that worked for both of us, because at the end of the day, a child deserves both parents and just because it didn’t work between the parents, doesn’t mean the two can’t raise their children. After a few times of him no call/no show, or bailing on her at the last minute, I put an end to it. It’s been about 5 years now and he still pops up every once in a while, but I learned to ignore it. She doesn’t know who he is and she doesn’t seem to want to know. I’d never force her and at this point in order for him to be involved in her life, I would make him take me to court for it because I know my child deserves better. So no, you’re not in the wrong for protecting your children from that environment. As far as your failed relationships, same thing. He broke you down, so you’re either gonna look for men like him because that’s what you’re used to or you’re gonna sabotage a good relationship because of your past. It took me YEARS before I met a man that understood and worked through everything with me. Now I’m happy. My kids are happy. And that’s the most important thing.
If your kids tell you they dont want anything to do with him then that’s that, bottom line. I didn’t want anything to do with my dad and my mom said ok. I still don’t want anything to do with him. Never force your kids to do anything their not comfortable with
If they are older asked them do they want to see their dad. Even tho children don’t understand at certain ages and they say they want to see him. I would have supervised visits thru courts. I don’t know that’s a tough one younger children don’t understand they just want to see their parents. If he isn’t nasty or violent still thru courts let them if he doesn’t show up too many times then no visits. Maybe him seeing the hurt he put upon them he may change or at least don’t be high around them
They don’t know him they want nothing to with him leave it at that . And if do let or make see make supervised. Been there done that with an alcoholic.
Give him supervised visits with a different person as supervisor. Give him the opportunity to see his children without either of you being able to speak about or to the other. They need to know him. If he doesn’t show, they need to see that on their own.
Listen to your gut instincts especially when it comes to ur kids. If he’s on the B.C but there is no court order establishing custody, he legally could take them and make u go to court to get them back. Keep your kiddos safe and away from that, drugs make people do crazy things, things no child should witness. Good luck mama
I don’t think supervised visits would be okay. He’s failed to show for his past visits for three years. He’s a loser. Until he gets his life back on track…you know a place to live,a job,you know a legit letter proving he’s been off drugs for a year and really trying to improve his life…then I’d think about supervised visits. Until then…helllll no.
No you’re not wrong. Kids know which parent is the one that truly cares for them and if they have decided they don’t want to see him then don’t force them. If his actions are questionable and you feel he is a danger to them then you don’t have to let them go with him. Do what’s best for them and you’ll do just fine.
Fck me days don’t even mention him to them if they ask about him or wanna talk to him then yeah, sounds like your the one missing him just using your kids as an excuse
No you aren’t. Kinda same situation here. Dad has drug issue, in and out of jail can’t keep a job. I finally left when he started stealing money from me which was stealing from our kids. I let him talk to them for awhile but when he threatened to kill me because of some guy commenting on my fb I cut off contact with me and the kids. Told him he could take me to court to see or talk to them. Toxic is toxic no matter who it is.
Girl, I have two kids I was with their dad 12 years. It was toxic I always took him back thinking he would get better he did but after 3 years he went back. I wanted my kids to have their dad I felt guilty thats how he got me back all the time. But when I was with him he destroyed my glow. Sleepless nights, crying, scared always trying to make him happy on eggshells awful life to live. I left him for good, found a support team, went to church found positive people to be in my life… learned to be alone, and never been happier, found someone knew who loves me purely. And now my ex leaves me alone and let’s me be. Thank goodness. It was hard to accept I was damaged but point is they never change you don’t need to feel sorry for this man and your kids don’t need to be around a man who is toxic period either. Just move on with your life your kids will thank you later for bringing peace. Sad but 3 years from now that man is going to still be doing the same thing if not you to another women. Don’t feel bad for him! They are grown up life is so short.
My opinion, if he has a drug problem, he would not be welcomed into my children’s lives. I understand addiction is hard… but it is also a choice. And the child doesn’t choose to have an addict for a parent. It’s your job to keep your children safe, as their mother. If he wants to be a part of their lives… he will take the steps to become sober
Orlando Marquez I’m bipolar,OCD, general anxiety and social anxiety. Been taking medication since I was 16 I’m 34 now. You clearly know nothing about mental illness, I don’t care who you “coach”. You seem to only care about her and not the deadbeat, drug addict abuser. Nor did you address the fact the kids don’t want to see him,she asked if she should make the kids stay in contact.
The children deserve a healthy environment to be raised in and a healthy relationship with both parents. It sounds as if you both have issues to deal with. Family counseling might be a good place to start. Making the children children a priority and setting your differences aside for them is a must.
Nope it should be the kids choice. But if drugs are involved I wouldn’t allow him to be around at all. This is coming from my expierence with parents who were both drug addicts. Still are. I remember my mom only coming around when she needed to get clean and detox and a place to stay. It was a horrible sight to see. My dad was never around. Cause he couldn’t get clean to come around us. He died 3 years ago of an overdose. Us kids will always remember it. I never went with them. I don’t like them too much to this day. Lots of resentment there. My kids dont know them and never will. Dont feel bad. My grandma who raised us regrets letting my mom around. She now sees how much it affected us.
Keep your kids safe. My bf still has issues from his childhoood. His mom was toxic and cared about men and drugs more than her own kids. Now they have gone years without speaking (unless she calls wanting money) and she’s never met her grandkids (ages 8 and 2). I have never met her. My bf says we will never meet her. So my advice is to let your kids decide if they want to talk or see their dad. If they are to young to understand then make the decision for them. Don’t let child hood trauma affect them through life.
Let it be your children’s choice. If you force them to communicate or be around someone like that it only damages them. I am saying this out of experience. I forced mine to a couple times and it really messed them up psychologically and mentally. They deserve to know that no matter what their feelings come first over what a drug using abuser wants. He will just try to use the kids to still degrade you even more. Its been 3 years since my daughter has seen her dad and the only thing she ever asks about him is if he’s still alive because she knows he doesn’t have much time left since he has been killing himself from the drugs. Children can tell when someone isn’t a good person… hope this helps. Good luck mamma. You got this. Dm me if you ever need to talk as well.
You are doing right by your children, and besides they don’t even want to see him. He isn’t needed or wanted by yall so just keep doing what you’re doing
No keep him away from them if hes that toxic …let them choose for themselves when their older or tell him to change his ways but even at that make sure it’s what the kids want too
Do what you think is best for them babies. If you wouldn’t let him near you again for the way he is you have every right to not let him see them. Kids will remember the good and the bad, give them more good to remember. Don’t forget just because your a mom doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself as well, don’t lose yourself, it sucks, do what you need to do to heal as much as you can, even though you’ll still have the memories, just to the point where you don’t break down everytime something reminds you. If they are old enough to understand what he has said and done and they don’t want to see him than they don’t have to, all that will do is cause more issues for them. You got this !
No I don’t think you should make them talk to him, if they don’t want anything to do with him and he’s not safe then please make sure their safety is the priority. He can always make videos for them or send them letters if he wants to communicate. If they want contact then set up a safe neutral location for them to be at.
Depends on what state you live in whether or not you can keep the other parent away from the child. You need to do what is right for tour chilfren…IF the dad is unfit then you need to prove he is unfit in most states. Document everything.
I’m in the same situation. But I don’t feel guilty AT ALL for.keeping him away from my daughter until he’s clean and stable. I did it when I became a mother and if I hadn’t, she’d have no parents. Some.people rise to the occasion and some people fall. It is NOT my childs.fault.or responsibility to suffer for.our mistakes, it’s our job to make the hard decisions to keep them.safe. until he is ready to step up and do that, he has no reason.to be here or bring more pain to her life. I don’t villainize him but I also don’t lie to make him a hero. That’s his job alone and I’ll be here, loving her for.him.
Sounds like you had made it clear to your children that they couldn’t talk to their father & in your own words you say he comes around but they’re getting older…
It’s sounds like now you’ve brainwashed them into hating their father because of your own problems with him & now it’s too late.
You even say should you make them talk to him…
& As for him telling the kids they need a new dad. That sounds like you pushed him to say that!! He’s probably pissed as hell that he comes over every so often & is met with hostile people who have nothing nice to say to him & he probably pays child support. I’d be furious. People say lots of stupid stuff when they’re upset.
Listen here I’d start encouraging your children to have a relationship with their father because this isn’t about you or his drug problem. It’s about his relationship with his children! They should show respect & you might actually be surprised how they might all get along without you being involved!
Unless of course there’s a risk to the children’s health or some hidden danger in this I have absolutely no idea why on earth you’d screw your children by turning them against their father.
If this touches a nerve or triggers people, just know, I don’t care!
I will forever be grateful - my parents separated when I was very young & life was hard but all I seem to remember is the respect they had for each other when it came to us kids.
I’d like to add that you would have known of his very bad drug problem before making a few kids
Wake up to yourself
If they don’t know him well or want a relationship with them then no you’re not wrong. Don’t force them into that, especially knowing what he put you through. It may not be the same kind of abuse but it’ll still be abuse. He’s already showed emotional abuse by saying he’s not their dad and she needs a new daddy
I’d have to say no you’re not wrong they don’t need to be subjected to the abuse too. I think you’re just in your reasoning to keep them away espy if they have no interest either, why push them to
I personally think you’re doing the right thing especially since he hasn’t shown any changed behavior via the fact that he continues to go to prison. Keep them away and at the most when they are of age to know about him let them know what you went through why you decided not to let them see him. And at that point let them make the decision for themselves when they’re of age. He abused you And I know you don’t think that he would abuse his own kids based off what I heard there their safety comes first.
Until they are sober and have a lot of time in recovery I would not allow my kids near them. If it goes to court demand that it is supervised.
Just remember,you do not need to be a nuclear family or coparent with someone who has substance abuse issues. They are impulsive and do not think in the we mentality when children are involved. Build a healthy support system instead.
No you are not wrong! He’s toxic and will just be poison to your kids! What purpose does he serve? Does he provide for his kids? Does he act like a dad to them or is he a positive influence on them? The only reason I see for you to still allow him in your life is to have him continue to remind you of how he made you feel about yourself! I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just I used to be in that place a couple of times and one time was just before I wanted to kill myself! And I was in therapy at the time, but I got some extra treatment at the time that really helped! I was single, and after him I still found myself getting involved with another person much like him, but I was so much stronger at the time ( I had a successful career) and when he occasionally came into my life, I saw him for the pathetic failure he still was , still using people! The damage from people like this can last forever, so keep him away from your kids since they already don’t want anything to do with him! When they’re adults, if they want to have contact with him, they will , if and when they want to!
If the kids don’t wanna be around him then don’t make them. To be honest until he can be sober around them, he shouldn’t take them anywhere. That’s putting them in danger, if they want to see him, maybe they can meet at a restaurant that you drive the kids to, so they don’t have to be in a car with him.
I think you should do what is best and safest for your kids, but I also think you should talk to them about it. You can be honest with them about the harm he is done and who he is without “bad mouthing” him. Let them know that you loved him once but he hurt you and it was best and safest for you and them to be away from him, that he makes poor and unsafe decisions for himself, and that you worry that he might not make safe decisions for them.
Me keeping my kids from their sperm donor was the best thing I ever did. My youngest daughter decided that she wanted to meet him. And had to learn the hard way who he was. I hated that she went through that, but she needed to see. She is also 24 so she was able to make her own decisions and face the consequences of her decisions.
