I have a question to be asked anonymously. I have two children, a boy (12) and a girl (7). I divorced and left their dad three years ago. I have a relationship with a wonderful man for one year. The children’s father was physically and emotionally abusive towards both the children and me. He was actually charged with abusing my son, but the charges were dropped by the state’s attorney claiming that they think he beat him, but they didn’t have enough evidence to put him in jail. That was three years ago. Since the divorce, my kids have to see him every weekend because that’s what the parenting plan ended up being- the court told me I had to agree to it or I couldn’t have the divorce. Over the years, he has made fun of me and my family and boyfriend to my children. They don’t seem to really remember or want to remember the abuse we went through. All they talk about is how their dad is so nice to them and how they want to live with him. He has no job; he lives with his mom, who is retired. She pays for the food for the kids when they’re there. He pays for his video games selling pot. The house is disgusting. Trash everywhere, and he once took his 14-year-old niece to get tattooed pretending to be her dad. My question is, should I fight for sole custody even though my children adore him? He’s a horrible person and bad influence, but I feel like they would hate me forever if I did it. What should I do?
Seems like info is missing!
No. If they want to be in their dads life, let them.
I hate when mums do this.
And I’d watch how you approach the situation because if you force. They very well could make the choice to live with him. Most states say 12 or 14 you can make that decision.
You’re looking out for their best interest 
the worst that will happen is things will stay the same, right?
Your only going to make your kids upset. When they grow up they will see what you have done and what he does. You could possibly go to court and have it where he can’t talk bad about you and your husband to the kids.
Their old enough to make their own decisions
Leave it alone. If he’s not harming them, it’s spiteful to file for custody, which you likely won’t receive. His past will have nothing to do with a new custody case. If the house is in a condition you believe is unsafe for this children, report it to CPS and let them sort it out. If they forget the abuse and only remember his being nice to them, good. That means they may have either resolved the trauma or it wasn’t as horrible for them as you think it was. I’m not sure what mother in their right mind would even think of attempting to remove or modify a custody and visitation agreement that has been working for 3 years, nor a judge that would allow it, especially without some change in circumstance to justify it. Go to counseling if you have to. This is a you issue, not one of your children. Good luck.
Just leave it. It can’t be that bad if the kids want to live with him. Sounds like your feelings are hurt because you say he makes fun of you and your bf. Just zip your lip. Don’t breathe a word against their father. If he’s that bad, they’ll figure it out. And if he’s not, your kids will hate you for speaking badly about their dad.
If he’s being a good father now let him be… I’m sure ur kids at ghat age are able to tell u if and when he does something wrong…
I bet there is more to the story. Here’s the thing…you cant just “get full custody” because you want it. You’d need proof of the abuse. And dropped charges don’t really count
Family law is the hardest of all to work with. There are so many variables, and need absolute proof, not just he said she said. With that being said, only answer is to talk to an attorney and have them guide you. I have two different situations with my children, but I dont let my disdain for their father to ruin their relationship with them. It is about the children, if they are happy, healthy and want the contact no reason to mess with that.
Unless you have proof of all of that, you’ll not get what you’re looking for. I’m kindof going through the same situation. However, it was more mental and emotional abuse. Talking poorly about me to my kids & making them hate me, not wanna come home, be disrespectful, call me names etc. & goodluck trying to prove that’s going on. It may be different, cause your children are older. & they make take an older child words more serious than a younger child. Mine are 3 & 5 & my 5 year old said most of the serious stuff. My youngest would come back saying she didnt like me and she wanted to run away to daddies etc etc. Even with a counselor it wouldnt of helped my situation. However, if the children dont want to live with dad, get them a lawyer, and have them decide for themselves. Make a motion, and bring it to trial and see where it goes. If the kids think its filthy and they dont want to be there, well your kids are the one who needs to take the pictures and provide you with them. Otherwise, theres no proof to what your saying. My children’s father was being charged with criminal harassment towards me and endangerment to his kids, and was racist, hate crimes through texts, etc. Nothing was done. He still got his kids every weekend, split holidays etc. Only thing that changed ANYTHING was him eventually not following through his visits, and such. Than it got taken away from every weekend, to every other weekend only 1 day of the weekend. Still split holidays. But I have sole custody and he has access. It all depends on what’s truly best for ur kids and since they’re of age to voice it, it’s what THEY want. Goodluck.
So what I’m getting is you’re mad they like their dad? Pathetic.
Leave it alone if the kids want that relationship and there’s been no further abuse. People grow and change for the better once free of toxic relationships. He probably is nice to them. Let them have their father. If he truly is as bad as you say his true colors will come out and the kids will tell you. Once the kids tell you they’re done that’s all you would need but at this point just leave it as is and let them have a relationship with their father. What he did to you in the past is null and void, you’re free of it.
It isn’t about you…more that he makes fun of you…it is about your kids. If they adore him…and he now is not abusive, then do not intervene. They have a right to have their dad in their life.
Sounds like she went through hell and is upset because her kids dont understand what they had went through before which thank goodness they don’t but if it was any other MOM, They would feel the same as you but kids are kids they won’t understand more till they are older just try and raise them the best you can you can do this mama!
but dont talk bad about their father back even though he does it just ignore it things will change .
Your kids will resent you if you take their dad away. Fyi…do not speak badly about him in front of your kids! He should not either, they will resent him too!
You sound selfish and jealous. It’s not about you, it’s about the children. They are happy with him and want to live with him and not you.
Ultimately you picked him to be their Dad.
You sound bitter that they love and want to be around him. I would have a sit down conversation in public about how it’s inappropriate to speak about you, your boyfriend & family that way. Be the bigger person. If he really is as bad as you say they’ll see that one day, but let them make that decision don’t force it because it could back fire on you & your relationship with them. If the conversation doesn’t work, take him to court & have it put in your agreement he is not to bad mouth you or your family to the kids.
Why people fix things with having another man ? The children are in the middle.
Nooooooo… unfortunately the court will want to have the kids to have a continuing relationship with the other parent. You could potentially lose them
With his record, the court would more than likely side with you. Most judges side with the mother anyways unless they are deemed unfit.
Leave it alone. If you were able to just get full custody you would have in the beginning especially if there was proof of child abuse. You will only turn your children against you. Dont let it bother you that he makes fun of you and your boyfriend as long as the kids arent being mistreated now and they must not be if they adore him
Do whatever you think is best for your children.
Courts will end up talking to the kids and you won’t get anywhere
Go for full custody…you will get it granted immediately because of him being abusive. M
So they already said there’s no proof of the abuse, what do you think they’re going to give you full custody for? He sees and has his kids every single weekend and they don’t have any issues with him, up to the point where they say they wanna live with him? So you’re butthurt that they said they wanna live with him so you wanna go for full custody and you actually THINK your kids would forgive you? Wow!
You cant for the 12 year old but you can for the 7 and hed would habe to be an extremely unfit parent
If he is still a danger to the kids then go ahead get full custody. If he has changed towards them when they are asked how dad treats them and they say nice but u say horrible it reflects bad on u. Makes u look like a bitter baby mama. Thread carefully and whatever u claim he is make sure to have some proof. It sucks but that’s reality. Everything needs proof these days
Mama this is the toughest fight you’ll ever have but let them see dad. Just say I’m sorry dad feels that way when kids report the negative stuff back to you. You can’t change the man he is but I personally don’t believe it is right to remove a parent for it. Those babies will grow and learn the truth to the lies he spreads just be the best mom you can until then and love them through that discovery it will be hard on them
If you’re worried ask for a welfare check. Without any actual evidence that he is actively being abusive, emotionally or physically, it would be hard to fight for full custody. Get all communication in writing. But for now, it is what it is. Your opinion of your ex will not influence the court to give you full custody
You son is old enough to actually decide who he wants to live with, depending on your state. I know in NB once they are 12 and older they can pick what parent they want to live with so unless you want your son choosing the father and not wanting anything to do with you since you tried to take them then I wouldn’t. If it really is a bad and dirty environment to live in while they stay with their dad then call CPS when the kids are there and see if the mess is cleaned or not. It may be dirty when the kids aren’t there but they may clean it once they get there
You have no grounds and could make things worse.
In this case. No. Only if they were currently being abused. The courts will want them to continue to have interactions with their father. And it would have to be proven, meaning any abuse, drugs or drug selling is actually happening. Since he is seeing his children and they love him, I doubt sole custody would be given without just cause and it sounds like things that happened in the past and I’m sure that case you’re talking about is lost in the wind and he wasn’t charged.
The thing about kids is that as they grow up, theyll figure out the truth on their own. As long as they aren’t in danger, you should let them have their relationship with their father and be positive about it. Stay positive and no matter how he trash talks you, focus on what is good about him and only say positive things about him to your children. Maybe he has or will change. If not, your children will start to figure things out on their own. It’s hard to do but that is what is best for the kids. Ripping them away from someone they love even if he isn’t the best role model is not necessarily best for them.
If you have proof of anything negative, that’s the only way they will give you full custody.🤷
Kids might wanna live there part time because he’s so nice but the same children need bedtimes and balanced diets…because children are not old enough to make good decisions by themselves.
You realize that having sole custody would not take away his weekend visitation rights right?
It isn’t about you. Its about the kids. You just sound jealous that they rather live with their dad. You would need new proof that he is “mean” and that the house is unfit for children. If they’re old enough the court will ask them what they want and it may back fire on you and that their dad gets them
Ask what the kids want
Holy hell the comments to this woman shes asking for help and you all are bashing her!
I went thru a bad abusive relationship with my oldest father. Hes now 5 and the hardest thing you have to do is realize things from their eyes.
I agree with everyone, let the kids love their dad. Let them see him on weekends.
When they are older you can explain everything and let them make a choice. Right now they see a fun loving dad. Let them.
When they are out of their teenage years they will appreciate you more. They will realize how strong you were with every thing you’ve been through and how much of a loser their dad is… but he is still their dad.
They will still love him still look out for him dont take them away because your fear from the past is clouding your judgement. They still have food they still have fun over there. Let them have the innocence of childhood.
Worrying and wanting a better dad for them…makes you a good mom.
People can be a little kinder with their comments.
They may hate you for a minute but please do the right thing…go for custody. Kids learn what they see…
Sounds like jealousy TBH
This is a tough one. At the end of the day… if your children are happy, healthy, and they even said they don’t remember the abuse… which shows that you are talking/telling them it happen to them. That sounds like you are trying to keep them away from their father. I could see if they were factually in danger. But a lot of woman try this stunt. For me… my ex husband hasn’t even seen our daughter since she was 3… I begged him for so long to be a father to her because I know what it feels like to not have a father… I didn’t even care that he wasn’t paying child support…I just didn’t want her to experience that pain…she just turned 14 and he is finally starting to come around… guess what? I let our daughter decide on whether she wants to communicate with him. It’s not about me. At all. She has made the decision that she doesn’t want anything to do with him. I’ve been remarried for almost 10 years now… she told me that “I have a daddy already.” And we left it at that. The point of my “rant” put your children first… it’s not about you, your new man, or the biological father. It’s about what the kids want. If they are in “danger” by all means do the right thing and fight like hell to protect them… do right by your kids momma. Good luck 
All these mean comments smh. Imagine you and your children going through an abusive situation that you still remember clearly and thankfully your children don’t but i would be feeling the same way as her. Also i don’t get how shes bitter? She’s the mother of his children and hes teaching his kids its okay to disrespect her when his family and him talk badly in front of his children. I also wouldn’t want my children in a filthy house and if hes not making any money to get his own place or to move forward in life, what kind of example is that for the kids? I understand hes their father and they love him and that’s great but as a parent it is your job to do whats BEST for the children. Children love to jump on their beds or touch electrical outlets or trust people that could hurt them ECT. She’s just trying to look out for her kids. If i were in this situation i would ask the court what i could do to change the living arrangements.
The kids are trauma bonded and dont fully understand what has or is happening . You wrote my life with my son now 7 and my ex . To the exact . My son too visits every weekend and there are numerous abuse in the past but of course not enough to charge him. We have had the same custody order since I left in 2014 and son then was 2 . I have also put my son in consistent therapy who is diagnosed with ADHD , ODD and PTSD . He too adores his dad and asks me all the time to live with daddy - I get cussed out named called by both son and his father but I am taking it back to court to limit visits because their toxic relationship is causing a huge impact on sons mental health. Our therapist told us he is being traumatized having to go on visits.
If he isn’t currently abusive towards the children you don’t have any grounds. The only thing you will gain from filing is having your children resent you. Let him say whatever he wants your children live with you full time and see the type of parent and person you are. Pick your battles before you lose a war you aren’t ready for.
I was in the same situation and my ex recently ODed and died but my daughter still wanted to know who he was. Unfortunately he will be a cautionary tale for the rest of her life but she still needed to know who he was.
You can have sole custody all you want but it will not stop him from having his weekends. It’s already court ordered. Don’t bite off more then you can chew because you’re asking for trouble.
Children need a father and a Mother
This is a hard decision. If you feel it’s an unsafe situation then you can ask for welfare checks or supervised visits temporarily to assess the situation. You can even request parenting classes and family therapy. I’d do everything in my power to try and help the situation before pursuing sole custody.
You can fight for whatever you want. Unless you have factual proof of everything you’re alleging, you won’t win and may even lose more time.
If the kids are safe with him now, no. Just pay attention to the signs and be ready to take action the second something seems off.
I’m sorry but if he’s being good to your children and they adore him why would you want to take that from them? I’d definitely take this to court and have it put in the parenting agreement that he’s not to speak Bad about you or your family in front of the children. But to completely take him away from your children isn’t right. And honestly a judge probably wouldn’t even allow you to anyways.
Let things stay the same for now document everything you see wrong keep a close eye on everything when you get enough dirt on him talk to a lawyer for advice
Is he harming the children now ? You can’t just rip them from there father because u don’t like him , they need consistancey which seems they have had . It isn’t about you
A judge wouldn’t allow it .
I would leave it alone, for now. But document anything and everything said. No phone calls with the ex, only written communication. if the living conditions are that horrible then make an anonymous phone call or a wellness check on his mother. but when the kids are with you, that way he won’t automatically think it’s you. if the house is in such a horrible condition it could be condemned and then the kids can’t go there, or the check could happen when the kids are there and then that will go on the permanent record. Either way, if the house is that bad and he’s that abusive and lives with his mom I would do a wellness check on her. If he’s willing to abuse his wife and children, he won’t stop just cause she is his mother.
He only gets them for the weekends so it sounds like you already have sole custody. The children are not being abused or neglected. At this point you just sound jealous because the kids want to live with him.
For now leave them alone as long as he is not hurting or putting them in danger. They are old enough.
Parental alienation is real and child abuse x10. I get that you’re mad at him but you have to let your bitterness go. You have no idea what was actually said or done. Let your kids love their father.
You should fight for custody and get therapy. They are kids and are being brainwashed by their dad.
You’re not going to get it if he isn’t abusive to them today. And if he isn’t then maybe he shouldn’t be banned (the judge likely wont grant your request under the circumstances.)
My ex was not abusive but he was very rarely in our daughters life. I allowed him to see her whenever he asked. I never talked bad about him around her. She was always SO excited her “fun daddy” was there for her…ugh! omg it was hard to keep my mouth shut…he was fun cause he’d take her to Sesame Place or shopping and spending $ not hard to do every 2-3 months and not paying for her rent, electricity, food and the like. but I did.
She is now 25 and loves her dad , but she learned for herself that my husband (w/ me since she was 2) is her “real” dad. The kids will figure it out. Unfortunately you may not get that satisfaction until they’re much older. In the meantime, if he is a bad dad he will drop the act and be a shitty dad again. THEN you get court intervention
He’s not doing anything to harm the children so that would be you being petty because they like their dad.
File for temporary emergency custody due to unsafe living conditions.
This is a tough one and although he was a horrible person and you have every right to hate him the kids may end up resenting you if you cut him out of their lives and that would do far more harm to you and them. Right now they’re at an age where they can be lead to see things his way but hang in there cause as they get older they will start to see the real him and there is a chance that he could become a better person. They are old enough to know when things aren’t safe and I’m sure Grandma loves having them around too. Don’t cut him out but keep both eyes open for any changes in the kids that worries you, let them see a therapist if need be so they have someone other than mom to talk to and just bare with it for now.
You need to think what is best for you and your children yes they might adore him but if he not caring for them properly then you need to protect them
The kids will in time see him for what he is
Holy hell the amount of people saying “why would you rip them from their father like that?” Did you read the part where she said he ABUSED her AND the children?!? First and foremost if there are any signs that your children are in danger- put their safety first. Get them away. If you don’t believe they are in danger then I do agree with the people saying to leave it be for now. Keep an eye out, and always be aware though. But to all the people bashing this poor woman for considering it?! That’s absurd. Of course she’d think about it. But she obviously cares so much about her children and their feelings as well to ask the question and try to see it from another perspective to make sure it would be the right decision. Your children’s safety always comes first. I’d rather have my child be alive and angry at me than dead. Plain and simple.
Im sorry but if hes beating your kid and selling drugs then yeah I would definitely fight for sole custody
It’s so irritating what low standards fathers are held to. If a mother had children in a filthy house, and was a DRUG-dealer, how many people would say… “well, you’re the mother, that’s a healthy environment, as long as they are around you.” No one would say that.
You need to determine what’s in the best interest of your children and do it no matter what they say or feel. You are their mother and need to protect them.
I would leave it the way it is. He is still their father…he may be a D*** but your kids obviously love him.
Get sole custody ! He is NOT a fit father !
Exactly ask for welfare checks when the children are with him. You need to start a file on him and the sooner you start the better it will be for your kids.
Fight for your children
Yes right on that welfare check and what is the child support coming from
really??? You couldn’t have a divorce unless you agreed to the parenting/visiting plan!!! What in the hell did your lawyer do??? Now as a messy house or a very clean house doesn’t mean anyone doesn’t love the kids, nor would do anything for them. It seem the grandmother will do everything for them & bet she loves them too. As for him talking shit about you & your boyfriend. Are you also doing that to them too…talking bad about their dad & grandmother??? If they want to visit them, let them, if there is something bad going on, they will tell you. But just don’t hound them with talking about everything they did when there. Don’t know what state you live in, but as your kids get older, they can decide who they want to live with. My son wanted to live with his father, & I let him, He stayed less than a month before he came home 
And I never said anything bad about their father ( matter of fact I never even talked about their father…period) They needed to see for themselves
Is this even a question??? & if u don’t see the BRAINWASHING & CONDITIONING ur children r being put through, u need to take off ur blinders…& I don’t know where u live, but any allegations of abuse, alone visitations would be completely off the table where I live
Oh wow you sound jealous of their relationship and also that would be a form of abuse to stop them seeing their dad are you crazy woman it’s about them not you
I would get full costody
Definitely ask for a welfare check to start with you need to gather more credible evidence.
seen it where children go & then change their minds & go back after a week or 2. Easy to be entertaining for a day or 2…but would he seek Medical Care for them & Pay Dental Appts ?? costs 4x more than his child support ! Do you cover their Medical Insurance ? Doubt he even has any…plus the boy will soon be needing a car & college & need to save up now to provide !
Sometimes we have to make decisions for our children that they do not like but in the end they will love you for it
When my 26 year-old daughter was only five I found out her dad let her have beer and that was it he got to see her no more and I filed for full custody, years later he died from drinking and driving when he accidentally drove off a cliff. She was mad at me for the longest time but eventually she realized I was only protecting her
My daughter going through something similar,dad in and out of prison,want pay child support,drives with no license,makes me sick
I would call CPS to check out the living conditions there.
I’m in someone the same situation of course kids will adore their dad when they only see them a small period of time and have no rules it’s a free-for-all at his house of course they would love it
They may be upset but you have to do what’s best for their well being . When they are older they will understand u were doing what was best for them
are you nuts if your children stay there they will become bums this is not what I call a good environment for them he needs to shows that he can support them and so forth sure he’s nice right now because he only sees them every so often but if it became full-time I’m sure it would change you are very stupid to even consider this abuse never changes I don’t care what people tell you
You’re wasting your money Daddy will always be poor Daddy they’ll go to him anyway when they get old enough hopefully they will wise up maybe not
Fight for your kids. Get him busted. Get full custody. One day your kids will understand. Let them be mad at you.
Let them learn on thier own, they are old enough to see thing and make up their own minds, if your. Children are having a connection with him and talk good about him then what’s the issue? Just make sure the teach them what true shelf support is and how to act like a functional adult
I wouldn’t take the kids away if they’re not being abused and they love him. That’s only hurting them. Have him meet the kids in a public place so they can spend time with him, but in a cleaner environment. If he says no, threaten him with what you know. Talk to the grandmother about having a cleaner house and him having drugs there.
If hes not abusing them or putting them in harms way, you won’t have a foot to stand on in court.
They are old enough let them go if the want to they’ll be back because a zebra can hide there strips for to long. A weekend is easy 30 days with different rules is a whole new ball game
I stopped reading after physically and emotionally abusive toward both of them, and you should have stopped typing cause you answered your own question