Should I file for divorce or wait for my husband?

My husband told me this morning that he thinks we should get a divorce. I don’t disagree. We are not in love anymore. We just exist with each other. But I’m scared; I’m not scared to be alone or raise my daughter alone. I know I have a great support system with my family and friends and a strong job and education to support us. I’m scared of losing everything and having to share my daughter. I have worked so incredibly hard to get where I am at in life now, and I don’t want to lose everything. I have supported my husband for the last many years while he went through his apprenticeship with the union. When we first met six years ago, I owned my own home free and clear; with no mortgage, I was in a great financial place in my life. I sold that home after we had our first daughter and decided we wanted to grow our family since that house was very small, with only two bedrooms and one bath, and no basement. I took a large chunk of that money, 70k and put it as a down-payment on our new home. Now just over a year later, in the new home and a crop TON of new debt, he wants a divorce. This financial hardship has come from his inability to get along with people. He never keeps a job very long because he gets angry at someone for something and quits. Currently, he hasn’t worked in close to 5 months. Side jobs here and there because I refuse to pay his car payment or for his smoking habits. We have a three-year-old daughter that I do EVERYTHING for; in the last year I don’t think he has given her a bath or did bedtime more than 1 or 2 times. I do everything on top of working 40+ hours a week and keeping our household together; grocery shopping, laundry, daily cleaning, caring for our four pets. I just don’t know what to do. Is it better that I file, or should I wait for him to file? Idk what to do. I’m in Michigan. We have been married for almost four years now. How to do with handle the house, I don’t think it’s right to move our daughter again, and I want to stay in our current home, I just want him to leave since he is the one who isn’t happy with our life, he would rather have a “free” lifestyle like the rest of his deadbeat dad friends that only see their kids once a week and spend their time partying instead of being a real family. I would rather give my MIL a child schedule, at least I know my daughter will be in good reliable hands during her time away from me.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/should-i-file-for-divorce-or-wait-for-my-husband/16573

Get you a good lawyer and proof of things you stated above. Good luck

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I agree with above. Get a good lawyer BUT even though the money was yours, you were married. If it was the other way around, he’ll have to give you half. But I understand your frustration with the situation. And I wish you the best of luck

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Talk to a lawyer not facebook. A lawyer in your area will be specialized for your state. Unhappy is unhappy…no reason to stay miserable…

In the state of Michigan, assets are divided based on “equitable distribution”, which attempts to divide property as close to a 50-50 split as possible. However, each case will have different outcomes based on what is deemed “fair” in consideration with the length of the marriage, spouses’ age and health, financial circumstances, and the past relations and conduct of each partner.

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Document EVERYTHING, then file for divorce and custody of kids

You’re already doing it alone. No need to worry about that part. Go ahead and file mama. You’ve got this. :slight_smile:

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I would file first. Then it would depend on the state you live in as far as how the assets are divided. If you can prove he has not contributed , you may be able to keep the house. Every state seems to be different. I do know that in Pennsylvania when it comes to custody matters they tend to favor whoever filed first. Or…so it seems with everyone I have known so far.

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I’d definitely get a lawyer - talk to them first and tell him he has x days to move out. Or more or less see if you can refinance everything in just your name

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Just go file. Taxes show how much money he made. Why would he get to take the house? He can’t even make a car payment.

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Sounds like this divorce is going to be pretty easy. Go file first

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You’re already doing it all. Find a good lawyer. Plan on him asking for alimony. Write down every single thing you want in the divorce and make it clear to the lawyer.

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I’d file the divorce papers and get yourself a divorce lawyer if your husband doesn’t agree to whatever terms you want. Tell him you want the house. If he tries to fight you on it, get him for child support. if he agrees you can have the house don’t go after child support…it’s not like he keeps a job anyways. You’ll have to have a visitation schedule in place. I’d do it by the courts.

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Fellow Michigander here. File first. It sounds like he has just dragged you down. Because you’re married most likely you will have to split everything. Neither of you can force the other one out of the marital home during the divorce unless there’s danger. Get a lawyer asap. Also, I am a real estate broker in metro detroit. If you’re in the area and need anything regarding real estate feel free to reach out.

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file first my girl u got this :heart::pray:t3: good luck x

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Sounds like you are scared for him not you or your daughter. You and your daughter seem to be taken care of. Maybe this will force him to do better?

I would file first after determining whether or not the two of you can agree to terms for the divorce. If you wind up filing contested, hire a lawyer asap.

Its basically up to the two of you, as far as the house goes. My ex husband didnt feel right taking the home away from his kids, so he moved out. If you can come to an agreement on “mutual” property, it’s not that big of a deal. You won’t have to split everything you own and have a huge fight.

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Doesn’t sound like he has money to file. You should file and ask him kindly to move out. In louisiana when children are involved you have to be legally separated 1 year before it can be finalized.

Meet with an attorney first. States have different laws. In Florida it’s 50/50 no fault. Florida favors equal timesharing with children

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First, find out the WHY behind the fact he wants a divorce. You took vows when you married him, just because it’s tough now, doesn’t mean you give up. Second, if you only focus on the negative part of your situation that’s all you will see. Is there a positive?
Third, look at your post - it’s all about you. A marriage is a partnership of 2 people. You have to talk with him - not AT him. You should be talking to him about this. If you 2 can’t communicate then seek counseling.

Look,I am a Momma in her 2nd marriage and have learned a hell of a lot. I was with my 1st husband for 20+ years before we divorced and I learned what I am telling you the hard way. My current husband & I have learned from our previous marriages about what it takes for a happy & healthy marriage. The top one is Open & Honest Communication. Everything else comes from there.

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1st and only piece of advice you should take from anyone is…

GET A LAWYER NOW!

Michigan is a No fault divorce state that divides assets based on equitable distribution. Meaning you can get divorced for any reason, and they try and split 50/50. But, if you can prove you were the one who brought the equity to the relationship, they would probably give you most of it back. Also, if you can prove fault on his part, it makes it better for your case. 4 years is not that long of a marriage in the courts eyes. A lawyer could fix all of your worries! Don’t wait, hire one and then ask if you should file 1st.

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not what you asked at all, but I’m just curious if seeing if having him see a psychiatrist ever crossed your mind or his. My bf used to be like this, almost exactly, then he finally agreed to see a doc and got diagnosed with bipolar, put on the correct medications, and has done a complete 180 as a person. Maybe an option if you want to try one more thing….
sorry again that my answer is not what you asked, just something that worked from personal experience

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you’re doing it alone already. Let him go, and get yourself back to where you was without the extra baggage

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It sounds like you’re already doing it on your own anyway. Tell him you want a divorce and that you and your daughter will be staying in the house. He needs to respect that and pack his things and move. And if he doesn’t, you move. There’s no time like the present to start over and fresh. Don’t allow him to keep disrespecting you and your child. Have faith in yourself, get a GOOD lawyer and everything will fall into place. Good luck mama.

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Get a lawyer. Keep your house kick him to the curb

Girl, this is seriously my life! My husband decided last night after 7 years of marriage and 15 years of being together that he wants a divorce. Mind you, we separated this summer as well and just moved back in together. My advice, file first. Michigan is a pro mom state. Not that you are trying or going to take anything from him but it will be better for you in the long run! Good luck!!!

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If you been married for 10yrs or more Youre entitled to half of everything all the way to his retirement 401k etc. So I would go talk to a Lawyer. Make sure you got all your information and paper work and write down your questions you want to ask. Cause youll forget

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You will have the upper hand. Judging off what you wrote, you will have the upper hand. File and try not to stress too much… You deserve better xx

Meet w/ a lawyer & be very specific on what you want- house, parenting time etc… sounds like he may not be in a position to get his own. Possibly even speak with your husband first so you can get an idea of what he is trying to get out of the whole thing then work your magic from there. Show any proof you have that you have been the sole supporter, bread winner, care taker etc… although Im sure the State you live in may have a lot to do with it.

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You file the paper work. And let the courts know about how he doesnt hold jobs.

This is a question for a divorce lawyer not random strangers on Facebook

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First go talk with a lawyer. They can tell you if your investment in purchasing your new home can be exempted from marital property divisions. You need a consultation asap and you would be better off without him. The initial split might be hard but sounds like you are doing it all anyway.

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Girl divorce him he dead weight you can do bad by yourself pray about your situation and god will guide you :pray:

Check the laws in your state. If you share custody and you make more than him you may be liable to pay him child support. Same with alimony. The laws are different everywhere.

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If you’re already doing everything alone, physically and financially you got this. And if worse comes to worse, you can always downsize for the moment. He clearly won’t be able to handle the home financially. I would see if you two can talk about what you can do first and see where his mind is at. Since the divorce seems cordial, maybe you two can come to some agreement. If it goes left, you’ll know what to do

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You file the divorce - hold your ground and do NOT leave the house at anytime, not even to stay at your friends or parents for the weekend to give him tine ton clear his stuff out as then he wouldn’t have to leave and he could get you for abandonment on the home. Get the paperwork started to protect you and your daughter and what you want

You file and ask him to leave. You are basically on your own anyways…so what will the difference be??? Ohh a calmer peaceful environment for you and your daughter. Take control and stop enabling him.

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My lawyer suggested to file first
Just get it done

Start putting money aside in your account if you have a joint bank

Got to a lawyer-NOW. Get all the advice you can. Meet with more than one if you want to be sure you have someone you are comfortable with. You have to take care of you-I know from experience. Write down all of the above

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Sit down and have a discussion of who gets what. Try to respect each other. It doesn’t have to be a nasty divorce. Discuss finances, discuss visitation of daughter, if you can agree both go to the attorney and have file and put everything in a court order.

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I would consult your own lawyer and file. Take control of the situation which… shouldn’t be hard because getting a divorce costs money. Without stable work and schedule on the dads part, a judge would probably side with you for that fact alone.

No need to be scared. You’re already doing it all. Coparenting will be a pain and for that reason alone, I usually suggest counseling fist. But he just sounds like deadweight. It’s probably not even worth it. You’ll feel so free once you’re rid of him. I don’t know about your state but in some states, the one who files first has the upper hand. Consult with a few attorneys and see what they tell you.

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If you both ate in agreement maybe you two should schedule an appointment with a mediation attorney.

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Get an attorney…they know the in and outs for your state and situation. A lawyer will help you…sounds like you see his true colors and ambitions…document everything.

Open up a second account and make sure your money only goes in there, check and see what assets are in your name only, what are in his and what are jointly, File and lawyer up.

If you both know that the marriage is over and you’re going to wind up getting a divorce then I think you should file first. You’ll probably get more out of it.

Talk to a lawyer, now. You don’t want to be on the defense. You sound like you are doing great. If you both want it, do a dissolution. It’s cheaper and faster!!! Good luck

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Ask a lawyer. They will know the best solution.

Kick him out, and get on with your lives. It sounds like you already take care of everything anyway. You don’t need him. As far as the divorce goes, I have no advice on whether to file before he does or not. You shouldn’t be scared to go through it all alone, since you’re basically already doing that

File as soon as possible yourself!

File first! Or he could file first and take your daughter & you’ll have to wait until court. Contact the family lawyers in your area and find one who does a free consult & go ask them what you should do. They’ll know your state laws.

Michigan here too. Consult with an attorney—maybe even with a few different firms to find one you like, trust and can afford. You definitely can file first, that’s not an issue at all. Consultations are usually free but ask.
Sounds like you have worked hard and do so much as it is, so you and your daughter will be fine. Just be sympathetic of her feelings throughout this major life change. Try to coparent in front of your daughter as civily as you can with her father. The rest will happen on its own and with time. I’m sorry your heart is probably hurting and you’re worried, but you can get through this. The very best of luck. :blue_heart:

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Leave… don’t force it, you will grow to hate eachother and your daughter doesn’t deserve that.

You need to file first and get an attorney. From what you’ve described, he will probably want spousal support from you. And depending on how much you make, he may get it if he files. He’s not as likely to have it granted, if he’s counter suing you for support in response to you filing. But definitely file first and ask that he pay the attorney fees. With him not working, you probably won’t get that, but it makes the judge more like to make him pay his own so you aren’t ordered to pay for both.

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File first. Sounds like youre already doing everything by yourself and paying for everything alone anyways. If you both arent happy…its time he leaves. Who ever gets the baby full time-ish…is who will have the house. I would file first to make sure that happens. Anything else is materialistic and can be replaced.

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The good news is that Michigan is a separate property state rather than a community property state. That means that the assets that you came to the marriage with (the equity in your first home) are considered yours and remain yours. However, it gets complicated when you use those assets to buy something during marriage. Definitely trying to keep it amicable and make an agreement with each other and working with a mediator will save money in the long run. However, you should have an attorney that you can consult with to make sure that the agreement you’re getting is fair for you. Finally, consider a process such as Conscious Uncoupling to go through with your husband to try to keep your relationship as amicable as possible for your child. Creating a “divorce story” that you both tell your child rather than blaming each other or poisoning her against each other will be critical for her happiness. It should be all about what is in her best interests. Good luck, Mama!

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First of all you can’t just kick him out. It’s his residence too. You need to consult a lawyer. In Texas its a community property state meaning no matter who’s name is on the house it’s still half his.

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It’s a slippery slope. I’m not sure it matters who files, but as the breadwinner, you may have to pay him. Probably just child support though depending on the custody ruling. I don’t think you’ve been married long enough for alimony, but I think that depends on the state. As for the house, you’re likely to have to buy him out of you want to say in it.

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File first also if you have proof that you been paying the mortgage all on your own courts will see that. My aunt was able to keep her house when she got a divorce because she had proof of making payments to the house just check with a lawyer first and of course it depends on your state, start saving receipts any documents it will help you with your case. Start putting money aside in case you have to leave for any danger or unknown emergency danger. Best of luck mama.

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I would file first to be honest. I’m in Michigan also. Once you file though they will freeze all assets so be prepared. You can fight to keep the house or make him buy u out or you buy him out.

I’d get a good lawyer and find out what to expect. Thats really the only way to know.

Wait and let him file. Whoever files pays for the divorce. While you’re waiting talk with him about his moving out for your daughters well being so the transition is easier for her if he plans on getting a divorce, less confusing for her.

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File your complaint first. Always.

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Kick him out… u keep the house… sounds like he hasn’t exactly contributed in any way… get rid of the dead wood…
Tell him to leave.

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Start your own bank account if you don’t have one and stop buying items in the home for him. He wants to live the “free” life he can pay for his own food and shit.

File first! File now!

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Get a good lawyer and file. Maybe consider selling the house and make sure it’s noted your financial contribution to the house using premarital assets. Make sure you get everything due to you and your kid.

I think you guys need a marriage counselor, not an attorney. You haven’t even tried yet. And yes, your husband needs some training in adulthood!!!

Girl, everything you posted here, you should document in a journal try to remember the dates of the jobs he has had and how long he was there and why he quit. YOU NEED TO BE THE PLAINTIFF in your divorce. If you live in a community property state he will be entitled to some things but not everything. If you don’t live in a CPS you can get away without giving him shit. AS for your daughter, because he is unstable and uses, you have a good case for full custody with supervised visitation. PLEASE DO NOT USE YOUR DAUGHTER AS A PAWN TO HURT HIM. It is easy to fall into that trap. DON’T DO IT… She will figure him out on her own. If you have joint bank accounts, take all of the money out of them immediately before he does and open an account in your name only. Start collecting bank statements showing his lack of participation financially due to his lifestyle and inability to get along with people to keep a job. Show proof that you used premarital money to purchase the house you are currently living in. Call and talk to his past employers. Retain an attorney ASAP, and make him leave the residence, due to him partaking in drug use around your daughter, then change the locks and only let him leave with what he came into the relationship with. I know this sounds harsh I know this will make you look like a total Bitch, but sometimes being a Bitch is all a woman has to protect what she worked and sacrificed for. He sounds like a total Schmuck. You and your Daughter will be better and happier when he crawls back under the rock from which he came. NOTE: The MIL will probably change her tune toward you, so be careful what you say to her. If she starts to question you, just tell her that your attorney has advised that you aren’t to talk about the case. PERIOD! End of conversation on the subject. I think he is going to try to get alimony out of you and custody so he can get child support. This is why I am telling you to circle your wagons and make the first move. The preemptive strike. He is going to become a monster. Be Prepared and have a plan of attack in advance for anything his feeble mind will come up with to try to take from you and make you look like a bad mom and bad wife. Been right where you are… If you can afford it, hire a PI. He came to you because he is with someone else. Men who have a meal ticket like You don’t just give it up like that. Watch your back at all times, Don’t date or have relations while these proceedings are going on. Say very little to him from this point forward. I wish you Much Success and strength…

Sounds like you’d be better off without him. He doesn’t do anything to help and you might actually be able to build more without him. I was in the same boat with my daughters Dad and when we split, I flourished. I know every situation is different but don’t be scared. File first and have a paper trail that he didn’t do anything to help. They’ll more than likely favor you and it’ll force him to get a job if he needs to pay child support, whether it’s a lot or not.

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Let him. He mentioned it.

All I have to say is, being an apprentice and working for the union is incredibly hard to do. All those dumb ass hard labor workers are just stupid and mean. But, I think once you finally get him out of the house and make sure your assets are yours, you’ll be much happier. He can figure it out for himself, honestly. I mean, what is he gonna do? That’s your house. You’re not moving lol.

Let him file it will cost him not you! If he doesn’t file just let him move out but not filing and him living a separate life because your legally married he could rack up debt in your name and his. You will probably have to file tho unless you separate a year and mutually agree to go sign divorce papers my now husband did that with his ex wife hey both agreed on everything went signed papers and set their own schedule for their daughter and filed the papers their selves without lawyers

Try a separation at first, before plunging right into a divorce. Give him a 30 day notice to find a place to live. Try to work out the details during the separation so you know exactly what to ask for in the divorce. Document everything during your separation so you have a strong case of the history of his behavior and visitation with your daughter. Good luck!

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You need a really good lawyer.

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As someone who lives in MI as long as you can pay for everything just file and be done with it

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Guess he’ll be on the streets then since he doesn’t work and can’t even support himself.
You sound like a Rockstar of a woman. You’ll be better without him

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Get a lawyer… File first… Maybe counselling first…

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Did you ask what his expectations are after divorce? His plan. For how you guys will delegate everything and handle consenting etc.
By the sounds of it uou wont have to worry about him filing first :woman_facepalming: he doesn’t do anything else .
Sad that now that hes in his union and “made it” hes all good .

Get a GOOD lawyer. And file.

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First off you put your money from your previous home . He didn’t you can prove you supported your entire home . You get a lawyer to fight for you . The house is yours not his . Get legal advice it’s free . Go to more than one attorney . Get references. Your husband can’t afford a attorney . 4 years is nothing in a marriage. You stay 20 years and that’s a different ballgame. He can go for half your pension . 401k and everything else . Kick him to the curb

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File first. It gives you the leg up and then he has a certain amount of time to contest.

Get a lawyer first of all! Seriously. And secondly , you stay in that house! He can leave! And if you don’t think he is fit to have your child without supervision, then hold to that! But having a lawyer is going to make things so much easier for you!

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U need to file first and make it so u get the house . He doesn’t want to be in the relationship anyway

You are already doing it by yourself. File first,and file now. You and your child deserve better. You keep the house, u paid for it. Kick him to the curb.

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Get a lawyer to help advise you which would be better as to who should file. But definitely get a divorce! You’ve taken care of him long enough, and now it’s time to take care of just you and your daughter! You will be much better off! All the money you’ve spent on him can now be used for you and your daughter. You don’t need to keep supporting this guy, and don’t move out either! Make him move instead of uprooting your daughter from your home. Make him find his own place. It’s time to focus on you and that little girl, and make a happier life for each of you. You both deserve it, and don’t feel guilty about making him move either. He’s mooched off of you long enough, and it’s time he got out on his own and learned how to help support your daughter as the years go on. He owes you both this much! Good luck to you, I really think you will be so much happier in the end! :blush:

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I would go ahead and file first. As a general rule, the person who files first often has the upper hand.

And another thing. If that’s his daughter too of course you’re going to have to share her. You can’t just stop him from being part of her life unless you can prove he’s doing more harm than good by being around her

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Go see a Lawyer, Money wise you will be the loser. You make money he does not. You will have to buy him out of the house. But that will give him money to move out. And no do not pay his lawyer. You make the offer and since he has no money You just may be the winner in the end. Life is short and you deserve to be happy. Good luck!

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You file with all the things you have said here. Since you were paying all the bills don’t leave the house. He has to leave. Document everything. Make sure you keep documenting going forward till your child is an adult. You have a lot of leverage. Especially if you can prove you put that money from your old house to purchase this house. Good luck.

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I like having the upper hand. Talk to a good lawyer. Protect your assets and get rid of the extra weight! File for divorce! (You are already doing everything)

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Contact a lawyer and do the free consultation then pay the deposit so that it’s at least half paid for but I would wait for him to start it as it’ll be a little cheaper for your lawyers to respond than to instigate.

Start meeting with lawyers and tell them all of this. File first, he will never be able to file first if he doesn’t have the money let alone pay for a lawyer. Protect what’s yours cause in this situation it is.

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You should file first. Make sure your assets are protected. He may try to get alimony bc you’re the soul supporter basically.

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You are already a single mother. I can almost guarantee your life will be easier without him and it’s one less mouth to feed. Get a lawyer and discuss your options.

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If you are truly done. Lawyer up. If he doesn’t work he will probably won’t be able to afford one. Things will go in your favor. If he wants a divorce he should leave. This is your daughter’s home and you are her primary care giver and support.

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If you hire a good attorney and with evidence of all you’ve stated here, I think any good judge would give you a very fair divorce. Can you afford a loan to buy him out of a small lump sum for the home? I don’t think they’d give him half or anything close to it considering the circumstances but they are going to give him SOMETHING so I’d just start to prepare for that and ensure you’ll be able. Otherwise maybe sell the home🤷‍♀️ Yeah it sucks but you’ve already been doing it on your own, you’re basically just supporting 2 kids lol, move on and be happy! I would try to start documenting everything you can and finding the evidence to back the things you’ve stated in this post though. In court it’s not about what you know, all that matters is what you can prove. That being said though, they see these kinds of situations all the time and the fact that you’ve held it down all these years shouldn’t go unrecognized and if i immediately recognized the kind of person he is choosing to be I’m fairly certain the courts have seen their fair share of the same behaviors

Set up consultation with the best divorce lawyers. Go to the consultations. Pick whichever attorney you like. Then your husband cannot hire any of the lawyers you met with because it will be a conflict if interest. You should get the house but depending on your state you may have to buy him out. As for visitation I would do supervised until he his stable with a job and home or visitation at his mother’s only.

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It sounds like this might be a mutual decision. If ending your marriage is mutual, then you should be able to sit down and come to an agreement about custody, visitation, support, assets etc.

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Go talk to a lawyer ask him to move out if he has no job see a lawyer maybe since he wants out he will let you keep the home for your daughter sounds like he may have a friend if you show your the stable one it will look good he will be court order to pay child support move on hon