I’m trying so hard to keep my family together and when he is good he’s a great husband and father. I just don’t know if I’ll get through it if it happens again. Am I an idiot for wanting my family together?
I have been with my husband for 14years, married for 10. A couple years ago my husband started a new job and he made friends with a few of his work colleagues which wasn’t an issue, however one of his female work colleagues started messaging him a lot and showing up outside the house using all sorts of excuses, at that time I warned my husband to be wary of her because of the way she was acting toward him. Well scroll forward 6months later and I find out an emotional affair had started with this woman via messages, the only physical interaction they had was hugging at work, his behaviour had changed towards me and even towards our two children. He wasn’t interested in doing much apart from sitting on his phone when he was at home, so after a couple of months of this behaviour I ended up checking his phone one night and this is how I found out. I woke him up and we talked all night and I told him if he didn’t want to be with me anymore then he should leave, he told me he just enjoyed the attention he was getting but he loved me and wanted to be with me. So we stuck it out and made it work. Scroll forward to a few weeks ago and his behaviour had been the same as last time so again I checked his phone… this time he had been messaging multiple people from a fb group sending dirty pics to each other etc so again I confront him this time though he broke down in tears and told me he hadn’t been feeling himself for months n he had been hearing voices telling him he wasn’t good enough and no one cared about him and that was his way of feeling better. So I called the mental health team and they are helping him through it, he is still here at home and I love him so much. It hasn’t been the best year for anyone I know and most of my attention has been on our children so I am partly to blame. I gave him an ultimatum and told him if he wasn’t happy with me then he should leave because it isn’t good for either of us or our kids i have given him time to decided what he wants and he has said it’s me. I have also told him though one more thing and there will be no going back.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I keep trying to keep my family together?
Your not to blame at all stop making excuses for him and no voice inside his head told him to do that he’s manipulating you but you’ll find that out in therapy
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He got caught and needed an excuse. I literally just left a relationship after 4 years and 2 kids later because of the same thing. If your not happy and clearly he isn’t if he feels the need to seek attention somewhere else… then you should leave…
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You are not an idiot.you are a woman who loves her husband. I am praying for your situation .dont lose your own happiness.
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I had that issue with my ex and I ended up leaving him
I’ve seen worse situations than yours have happy endings. I like you gave him one more time. Keep to it though. That’s my advice…
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I don’t believe the sudden onset of schizophrenia… Yeah right. 
Sounds like he’s not going to stop cheating and making bullshit excuses… and that work friend sounds like they were doing more than hugging and messaging… js. I mean if I were you depending on your ability to live without him financially, I’d start stashing money and making plans to get the hell out of that relationship while playing his lying bullshit game right along with him to make him think he’s getting away with it… Then leave his sorry ass when you’re able to. 
Not an idiot for wanting a family together…idiot for prolonging the inevitable after already happening a few times. If it’s not good for you or the kids, you need to remove yourselves from the situation. Like a bandaid it’ll hurt more than anything in the world. But over time, you’ll see why it needed to happen. This will give you a chance to be happy and find someone that is extremely happy with you. Your kids will be the only thing you need to focus on and getting them through all of this. Don’t underestimate them. It’ll be okay.
You’re not An idiot but stick with your words one more time and that’s it you gotta be done or he’ll think he can get away with anything mental issues or not . I hope it all works out for you and your family
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It will keep happening.
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You are not an idiot for wanting to keep your family together. Only you know how much you can take. One word of caution though, your children need You more than they need a mom and dad living under the same roof. Don’t loose yourself.
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People can change and divorce is brutal on everyone, especially the kids. You seem very in tune to his behavior. Marriage is worth fighting for and we marry for better and for worse. Sometimes there just isn’t a way to make it work but if you think there might be a way and that he is capable of change then follow your heart and your gut. No one can make this decision for you.
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I went through this with my ex, if some body was hearing voices its a sign of psychosis which follows many other symptoms too. Voices do not tell some one to flop their appendage out to other women, its a little different & there’s more too it. Cheating isn’t a mental illness its a choice. He maybe a lovely man, who can be a good father but do not let him excuse his bad choices. What you’ve allowed, shows your a good person. When your no your worth there’s no limits. I’ve been there & worn the t-shirt & its incredibly hard. The woman in question is at fault just as much for stepping on a taken man’s boundaries, she would have known showing up to yours house but he’s encouraged the behaviour further & didn’t say anything if he genuinely “heard voices”. Its narcissistic behaviour. He’s staying & saying he loves you but hes given you 2 excuses as to why he has done what he has done, he doesn’t want to loose the stability he has with you but also wants a bachelor life style. I wish you all the best 
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You’re making excuses for his behavior & blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Maybe you have some thing’s to improve on, but it isn’t your fault!!
I don’t buy his bullshit excuse but hey who am I??
There’s definitely more going on with that woman. How did she know where y’all lived?? I wish a B would show up in front of my house!! Smh
Absolutely not an idiot. It’s natural to want to save the family and life you’ve built. Please understand it’s not your fault. He is making excuses for his cheating.
You have set a boundary and the consequence of him crossing it again. Please stick to it.
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He is one wants cake and eat it two I suggest separate see were you both awe at he will do it again
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People can change if they really want too. This year I’ve went thru some hard times and am a single parent now. Its hard to regain someones trust after they’ve done you wrong. But giving them another chance just means they’ll keep doing it because they know you dont value yourself so they dont value the relationship. Listen to your heart and gut.
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I wouldn’t give him another opportunity to screw up but that’s just me… he’s grown, he knows what he’s doing
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Cut this guy loose, drama queen to get the side desserts, you and your kids deserve better.
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He’s not taking accountability for how he’s making you feel. Instead he’s making you feel sorry for him. Take a step back and consider your mental health. Even if you stayed together it’s very possible you’ll always wonder if he’s doing it again. That’s not fair to you. And I can tell you right now that man is not in the marriage for you. If he needs validation, and attentions from multiple people but still keeps you around he’s using you. He wants the stability marriage offers with the excitement of new partners. It’s selfish. And he told you right to your face when he said he just enjoys the attention. If you stay now 5 years down the road you’ll wish you had left earlier.
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Stand your ground- let this last chance be his last chance. Otherwise he WILL keep doing this because he knows you won’t REALLY do anything. You aren’t an idiot- if we all gave up on something the first time it messed up, we’d be no where with nothing. Good luck:black_heart:
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Sure he wants his safe home life , but he wants to use excuses to play too, only you know what you will do no one can deside for you good luck
Wake up. He’s repeating the same behavior over and over. What makes you think this time will be different ? He’s making excuses for his behavior. Seriously? He’s manipulating you and your being naive. Wake up!!!
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Your not an idiot…. I feel like he probably understands NOW. Sometimes it takes us a while to really figure things out. I don’t think he does those things because he doesn’t love or care for you I just think maybe he wants you guys to be more spunky make him feel more like he’s sexy and stuff? Idk THAT part of your stuff, but even if you guys do have spunk and things, maybe he just needs more. Dig deep into the reasoning behind it, so that it doesn’t happen again… work with him and make sure he knows exactly how you felt and remind him you don’t wanna and won’t ever feel that way again.
But there’s a lot of things that could be related too, and dig deep into it, both you and him. & communicate everything about it. Don’t make it a “sore subject you guys already got past” even after things are delt with they should still be talked about more if a person is feeling a certain way about it still.
Also your feelings matter!
What is allowed will continue.
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You’re not an idiot! When you’ve invested time into a relationship/marriage, it’s hard to walk away. I strongly believe that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. With physical cheating, it’s simple, there is a physical attraction to someone, which lead to the cheating. With emotional cheating though, it’s a bigger connection to someone and tends to hurt more. I’ve been there, one to many times…. Caught my boyfriend/(ex) husband having conversations, sending pictures. I forgave. And forgave. And forgave. I learned that if you forgive someone for something, more than once, that just gives them a green light. My ex flat out told me “you forgave me last time and the time before. You’ll forgive me this time too”. He basically thought that he could keep doing whatever he wanted because he knew I would forgive him. I stopped forgiving him and left. It was hard, but it was best for me and my kids. We’re all happier now.
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She showed up at your house bc your husband allowed her to and gave her the impression it was acceptable. Don’t even need to read the rest. He’s cheating.
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He is manipulating u. Sorry tp say but hes prolly been doing this for years. Make him get tf out and focus on yourself
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But here’s my question and I’m not judging or anything but you stated yourself all your time goes into the kids. Are you making any effort to give him the attention he’s seeking or not. Because if you’re not then its really you who needs to ask rather you want this or not. Marriage counseling sounds like it would benefit you both. He’s already seeking help for himself and honestly the voices thing sounds like schizophrenia so that’s a great start but he’s admitting where he’s gone wrong and working towards a goal I hole you both figure out something that works. Best of luck
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You are not to blame.
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I’m wondering if his first mistake is what led to the guilt and the voices in his head… And instead of confronting you about it, for whatever reasons… Maybe he was ashamed, maybe you never have time because of the kids, so that drove him in a wrong direction to make himself feel better. I would take a step back and think about how much time is devoted between you and the kids, and you and your husband. I think the love is there, but the guilt from the first altercation ate at him and he didn’t know how to fix it. Men’s way of fixing things, is to always make it worse lol. You guys to need ask yourselves and each other, where you stand at on the relationship and what you both want out of it. If it isn’t the same things… Then I would say, time to call it quits and separate.
Wishing you the best
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He’s not worth the emotional stress and drama. It’s time to cut ties with him.
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Don’t do it, he’s a narcissist, anytime I confronted my ex on cheating this is what he would say & that there is something wrong w him or he’s unstable which he never was, he would cry n bring me back in with his lies, even with all the excuses it still continued. I left & I get treated the best I’ve ever had. Don’t believe him, ^^ what u allow will continue he’s running you around in circles w lies
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Firstly you aren’t to blame for this and secondly he keeps doing it so I’m not sure why he will stop now. I feel like he’s just making excuses. I would really keep an eye on him because he will probably do it again.
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Look for trouble and you’ll find it. I have never checked my so phone and when OR if I ever feel the need to do so then it’s definitely time to leave
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If it were me, it would be over. Unacceptable.
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That sounds so manipulative on his part. He does wrong than plays the victim card. I’d stop entertaining it.
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No, you’re not an idiot. But don’t let him have his cake and eat it too. I got cheated on for years because he “enjoyed the attention” from other girls. But marriage is a commitment, no one ever said it would constantly be exciting. It will get boring and there will always be others there to distract you but the choice is up to you and that’s where the commitment comes in. Personally, I wouldn’t allow it whatsoever but that’s from personal experience. I did allow it and kept trying for the kids but it ultimately did no good. Save yourself some heartache and let it go. You’re only hurting yourself dragging it out. The same behavior will continue because he knows he can.
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He broke down in tears?? 
boot his ass out u gave him chances. It’s very disrespectful if he truly felt he wasn’t himself he should have talked to YOU about things not send dirty pics and talking to other women inappropriately. It’s a bullshit excuse
You are not an idiot! You are not to blame!! You also need to get out of the relationship…. I’m sorry but; he is not going to stop! You let him get away with two things already and it’s going to grow! You need to really get him out of your house and let him “do him” while you show him you know your worth and you’re better than this!!!
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It’s done, and he will
Never change. Time to go
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You can’t force a man to grow up and recognize how you’re feeling ,but, you CAN force him to see how he has broken up his family. Leave, even if it’s temporary. Make him see what he LOST. If that doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t deserve you in the first place. Keep being a great mom. This too shall pass.
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Three strikes your out
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If he stays he needs to be accountable for his actions. Being in a relationship with no trust is very hard.
The “excuse” he used is BS. Voices!!?? F’ing really!!?? And stop blaming yourself! He’s to blame. Period. You’ve forgiven him twice now. Um, say what you mean amd mean what you say. Leave next time. Best wishes
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Mental health team with individual, couple and family sessions. Pray pray pray.
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If it was just sex I’d say give it another go, but an emotional affair? Nope. He bonded with her and that I wouldn’t be able to get over it.
Oh honey. You tried and now he thinks you will never leave no matter what he does. Maybe he will change but me personally he could change for his next because I would call it quits. And I would get checked at the doctor too. People out here just bat an eye at cheating but once you put my sexual and medical health at risk to go have your ego stroked is the day I walk out. Hugs sweetie. If he never mentioned to you that you were not giving him attention before he did these things then the only person he can blame is himself.
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If it’s truly a mental health issue you should try to stay and make it work. Give him time to heal, as well as yourself. I know people don’t like to admit it, sometimes though infidelity IS a mental health symptom. We see it all the time with people that have problems with their impulses and such. Once his mental health is in order he should be feeling much better and things should get better. If this time next year nothing has changed though then it’s likely not mental health. A year is plenty of time to assess mental health and get treatment going and him stop feeling the need to do this, or at least be on his way. No changes no staying. As long as there’s progress though you guys should fight for your family.
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Sorry but it’s time to go. Mourn the relationship and then get it together because there’s a million fish in the sea and you deserve the respect!
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Fool me once shame on you fool me twice well…
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I know how you feel, but after all that, theres no much to save, unfortunately. Men will say whatever to keep up. You have a family and both of you Will always be parents but theres no much left to stay together as a couple. Look for help and release the idea of being together
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Unpopular opinion, wait and see how therapy goes! I used to have a lot of issues with self love, and hurting the people I was with, I didn’t even know who my sons father was at first, therapy changed my life! Usually I say once a cheater always a cheater, but after reading I think you should wait and see
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That sounds like bipolar and I’m sorry unless you live with it yourself or someone who has it you’ll never understand it. I agree with having him evaluated. IF it is bipolar, do your own research, get into counseling. Learning to understand what your love one is going through is a big HUGE help to understanding. People will tell you to leave all the damn time and like I said if you haven’t lived it you’ll never understand it.
You’re not an idiot. You can’t say you didn’t try. You clearly did. So now it’s on his court. Only time will tell.
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Your hurting yourself AND CHILDREN BY STAYING …YOU can find someone else who will love you unconditionally. He’s USING THE “IM CAUGHT” LINES
Mental health voices can tell you to do a lot of things. But seek attention? Yeah no. Let him go be ‘mentally unhealthy’ on his own. He’s manipulative is what he is
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I’d be Done:triangular_flag_on_post:
(I’ve been through this with my ex) try couples counseling just so you know you tried everything. Start making sure you’ll be financially okay if he walks. See a lawyer about legal separation. This will protect you from DH opening new credit lines that you will also be responsible for. It will also make him responsible for financially supporting you and the kids until a divorce settlement. Good luck 
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I highly reccomend family therapy!
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Great husband and father? Who are you kidding?
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Whatever your choice, just make sure it’s the right one for you and your children. It’s so hard splitting up a family. But you also deserve to be happy and to have a respectful husband that you trust, who concentrates on his family—not random women or female coworkers. Therapy for you solo could be beneficial as well. Good luck…
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You are absolutely amazing what you have been through and supported your husband
I think hes using you and making excuses I’m so sorry
Stay strong and decide what you want .
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You are doing what people who have been together 50 years or more do, fight for their marriage! You are being a covenant keeper by supporting your husband through this. God is strengthening your marriage and what people May think is a weakness on your part it is actually strength because you have something worth fighting for:heart: Prayers to you and your family:pray:t5:
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You should NEVER blame yourself for your husband’s actions. There is no excuse for his behaviour. When someone truly loves you they would never even think of doing the things you stated he has done. Know your worth sis!!
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He knows you wont leave him now so hes not gonna stop. Itll be another 6 months maybe even a year but itll happen again and again. And he will use the same excuse
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Hes gaslighting you. Leave him sis
Been in that same spot. Leaving is hard, staying and working on it is hard. Choose your hard. Only you will know what’s best for you. If you stay will you be able to deal with looking over your shoulder constantly? If you leave will you continually ask yourself if things could have been different? Choose what is right for you and your kiddos
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Voices can’t make you do that
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It sounds like he needs a good therapist and possibly has/ is depressed and not realised it.
Guys like this have never grown up and will keep repeating the same behaviour .Make your escape plan and get out !
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I’ve been with my kids dad for over 7 years and I’m at the point where I no longer think it’s gonna work out. Like yes I love him but I honestly think theres better out there for me. He has a drinking problem and we’ve both acknowledged it but at this point I really don’t know if we’re gonna work out.
Sounds like he needs MORE attention from you , Make him your priority and make him feel Loved/needed/wanted etc.
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Maybe a good father but I sure question good husband. Maybe he knows he’s gonna have to pay child support and possibly spousal support. Don’t really think this will end permanently. 
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He’s only sorry cause he get caught. Get yourself a lawyer protect yourself and your kids. And don’t be blind she’s been to your house she knows she’s a home wrecker and you know they’ve been sleeping together. Don’t be his doormat.
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You only know of messaging and dirty pics because you saw it for yourself. You have to be a complete fool to think thats as far as things went. No way.
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If he doesn’t have prior mental health history this sounds like manipulation to me a ticket out of getting caught cheating he put you in a position to where you second guess yourself and feel bad for him
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He’s Manipulating you to excuse his actions by trying to blame it on a mental disease. Schizophrenia does not cause you to cheat on your spouse multiple times. Emotionally and physically cheating is a choice! After the second confrontation about it I would have been gone. He can only do to you want you allow him to. If he’s straying from the marriage and is a habitual offender, at this point it seems he already made his choice and now it’s up to you to make yours. You can either stay and accept the fact he’s a slim ball that will never change or realize you deserve better than that and leave IMO.
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No this situation happens more often than anyone ever talks about. No one knows how many couples and families are going through this. And infidelity.You have to do what’s best for you and your family. That’s the only people that matter at the end of the day. So you are not dumb or naive to give yourself a fighting chance. You should have a counselor for yourself too. It’s a huge emotional load to carry alone. Work with his therapist/ doctors and see if his condition is permanent a reaction to stress or what the prognosis is because if you don’t know what you’re both up against you could be killing yourselves and getting nowhere. Good luck.
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I truly believe that there are a lot of things couples can work out to stay together.
If there is love pretty much everything can be work out EXCEPT cheating.
Once you find not once but twice or more, how your partner has been enjoying, giving attention to someone else, is pretty much done.
While you were dedicating your time and love to your kids and him, he was talking to someone else, he was sending and receiving pictures of someone else. You were probably doing his laundry, cooking his food, and instead of praising you, he CHOOSE To be emotionally (for now) with someone else. And that right there is why I can’t forgive an affair.
If you can, that’s you. But you can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to stay.
Good luck.
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Your not an idiot for wanting to keep your family together but sometimes that does more harm than good. Know ur worth…your NOT partly to blame and that comment alone worries me!
If he truly loved you he’d talk to u about wanting attention from u and not other women.
Maybe just me but I couldn’t b with someone like that…I’m not so good and forgiving and forgetting x
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You are not an idiot and you are certainly not to blame. It is his job to be faithful to you and your family. If he had an issue or felt like he was lacking attention, then it is his job to talk to you about it so you can work it out together.
If you have any hope in working through this, you need to see a marriage counselor together.
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Ding Dong, Wanna know why it happened a second time. Rewind back to the first time you let it slide and after that he thinks you are fine with it…… Should of left the first time girl… So to answer you’re question, Yes you are an idiot.
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I gotta say this you are NOT partly to blame hearing voices or not he’s aware of what he’s doing time and time again as much as you love him he’s got no respect for you he’s not just cheating on you he’s cheating on your whole family the more chances you give the more times he’s given to cover his tracks next time you check don’t forget to check them secret messages on messenger because there will be a next time as much as you have said there’s no going back if he does it again well he will do it again and at any opportunity
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Go to marriage counseling together. Find a way to make him accountable if at all possible.
Look up separation and divorce laws in your state, research divorce lawyers, see what programs are available for you and the kids, figure what your new budget will look like. Be safe. Then if he cheats again, drop the hammer.
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No, you are not an idiot for wanting to keep your family together. Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t work. For me his behavior is not something I could get past. Sorry for what you are going through. Good luck.
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First of all he has to break ties with these other people. If he’s getting help and truly trying, and you’re willing to wait it out then do that. You’ll need family or at least couple therapy as well. He must be willing to change, you must see changes. It’s up to you if you can deal with this betrayal. You must stay strong and know your worth. As far as your kids, it is healthier for them to have separate parents than parents together who aren’t good together.
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He already had decisions to make an chose what he chose the decision is yours now don’t give him more options to choose from
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As a guy saying this your husband is full of shit and trying to make you feel like your to blame by not giving him enough attention or making him feel special, he wants be with you and talk to other women. I would be willing to bet money that if you told him you guys need a small break to figure things out he would immediately hit up other women for attention instead of working on being a better man
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
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Your not a idiot. It isn’t easy to leave when you love someone and you want it to work so badly. You both could try couples counseling and see how that goes. I would give each other a time limit… like a year. If it isn’t better, then it’s time to part ways and try to co parent.
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You aren’t to blame at all. If a grown ass man can’t realize most of your attention will be on the kids because they need you for survival then he’s a piece of shit. Get out now it will only get worse.
Once it starts it doesn’t stop unless HE wants it to stop. I’d suggest marriage counseling let HIM do the work it takes fix this. Why is he requiring that extra attention? He needs to the time the bottom of that. Sounds like you love your husband as you should. You just have to love yourself more.
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You are not an idiot. He’s your husband and you are supposed to be directing your energy to the children, he’s an idio.
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What happened to working thru this type of stuff. Please don’t give up on your marriage. Maybe try spending more private time together. Leaving kids with friends or grandparents so the two of you can reconnect. A date night, or pizza . A overnight drive . Just no phones except for emergency from kids.
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It seems the second time he went further, and he will do it again and the next time he does he will probably go even further than the last time you caught him. Key word is CAUGHT because he wasn’t sorry while he was doing it, he’s only sorry because you caught him. And emotional affair, in my opinion, is worse than if it were just sexual because your partner is supposed to be the one you confide in and discuss your intimate thoughts/feelings with & he put himself in a position to potentially have deeper feelings for someone who isn’t his wife & at the same time was choosing to dedicate his time to a secret relationship rather than his kids, wife, & home- that’s a huge red flag. You should definitely let him go because it sounds like he definitely wants to sleep around and talk to other people & someone with that mindset shouldn’t be married
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No you are not an idiot, by all means keep your family together.
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He’s sorry because he got caught, and those tears are for himself not for you. If he has been doing this again and again, he will continue. He’s using every excuse he can think of too, voices? Voices aren’t telling him to do any of that. I’m sorry. He’s trying to guilt trip you into staying bc he knows he fucked up real bad. Save your dignity, and go.
Let’s NORMALIZE leaving a Toxic partner instead of encouraging people to stay with a pile of shit… BABYGIRL YOU & THE KIDS DESERVE BETTER 