Should I reintroduce my daughter to her father … Have just received a message from my ex (5yo daughter’s biological father) after not hearing from him for three years that he wants to discuss seeing our daughter. I have tried to go through mediation on two separate occasions before giving up on him taking on any responsibility. This resulted in him “forgetting” to turn up. She has no memory of him and, over time, has come to her own understanding that my now partner is her dad, who has been nothing but amazing in caring for and supporting the both of us. We also have a 7-month-old baby boy. I am very conflicted on what the right thing to do is… as I believe she does have a right to know who her dad is but still being of a young age, I don’t want to confuse and upset her, especially as she is about to start school and this is already a stressful time. He has never contributed in any way (financially or otherwise), and I never tried to claim for anything from him. My main reason for this was my own anxiety towards him after finally leaving a very abusive relationship. My daughter and I still have a wonderful relationship with his sister, who has always given us support and often visits and had remained a part of our lives. He has tried to put the blame on me for not seeing his daughter however has not until now tried to contact me, and I have never changed my phone number or email address, which he has always had. I also have concerns regarding her safety and what he might try to tell her or get her to believe… If I don’t reply, I think he will use that as another excuse for his behavior, which I honestly don’t have a problem with if that means my daughter is safe and happy but I am unsure if this is the right thing to do or if my daughter will in future resent this decision. Thanks in advance for any advice in this difficult situation.
Nope. His pattern isn’t going to change. It’s all about what’s convenient for him at that time. Been dealing with that for 17years. Comes and goes as he pleases … and finally my 17 year old had , had enough. And it hurts your kid far more than you can imagine letting them come and go.
I would say he has to definitely show he can put in the foot work.
Absolutely not, and since it’s been 3 yrs with no contact get a lawyer and take any rights he has left away ur mom ur 1st job is to protect
Offer him to come to your place. That way you can control the situation.
If he really wants to see her he will come and be respectful.
If he doesn’t then you know your answer.
But just say your going to introduce him slowly to her if he shows up
If this is his behavior AND he was abusive I would sadly say don’t do it… Maybe if you really wamt to allow him at your home for visits. Or at his sisters with you there. Please be careful and safe.
Nope. Easy one try go through mediation again and if he shows then go from there. Make sure there’s a proper order laid out before hand. If he doesn’t show then you know he didn’t mean it
She does have the right to know her father. And, if you don’t let her know him, in the future, she’ll learn that he at one point tried and you turned him away. And that’s what she’ll hold on too. And she’ll resent you. For that one decision. She will learn the truth one day. No matter how hard you try to keep it from her or hide it. It will come out. And you’ll be the one to get the brunt of it. Let him know her. Slowly. On your terms. Supervised at first. For awhile. Until he proves himself and shows you he’s changed and really wants to be around. But, for your child, don’t be the one to close the door. Don’t let her know when he’s coming for visits. So she won’t be disappointed. Or let down. Set up certain times and days that he has to be there for visits. Etc
Absolutely not. It’s going to hurt your child deeply if his pattern continues and it most likely will.
I think you need to listen to your mumma bear instincts on this. He’s always been able to contact you but he hasn’t until now so you need to find out why, what’s changed. Do some digging. You’ll only feel comfortable with your daughter seeing him if you feel comfortable. Also speak to a lawyer. Find out your responsibilities in regards to all this. Document every occasion he’s attempted to contact you and what was discussed. If he’s really serious about this make him come to you or meet him at a mutual location that’s closer to you. He needs to put the work in. Good luck and stay safe.
I’d say not yet. She is young and at a weird age where she is not in those early years where she won’t ever remember him not being there, she does not remember him ever being there and honestly as someone who was in the child perspective going through this type of situation, I think it would be way too confusing for her at this age. When she is older, if he still has interest and SHE WANTS to know him, go for it slowly. That is what my mom did with me. She gave me that choice when I was 11 and even then it was very difficult for me to understand the “why now” perspective and the “why couldn’t he have been better then”, “why wasn’t I enough then” stages even though my biological father had completely changed his life for the better and we have a great relationship now. It definitely caused major issues for me mentally growing up through my early teen years and it was hard. Just my personal experience
Maybe have him see her when the sister is about? That way you have support and he can be introduced to her in a controlled manner? Might help your anxiety also and then u have support your daughter is still around people she knows and trusts and her and her father can maybe build up a sort of relationship that way? And you can still be in control. Good luck either way you go 
I believe you should and let your child decide with out you doing it for them. If you refuse that could turn into anger you kept him away in your childs head. Also a child has a right to meet both their parents. If you refeain from saying bad things even if they are true and allow your child to see for them self i bet my last dollar your child will chose to not spend that much time with him. But children who are told no on this issue will eventually find a way. Better to be open about the meeting so you can be there to help heal the broken heart then them get a broken heart and feel they have to keep it secret from you why. I am not just saying things here either. I have practiced this belief with my own son. When he was young he was angry and hurt. As he got older he just decided it was his fathers loss and not his. And he respects all the time and effort i put in to raise him alone he respects me. He also does not feel im the reason his father is a deadbeat. Honesty is always the best policy and you stand to clear alot of resentment up in your childs life by not sheilding them in matters like this. Its tough love. Either way they hurt but they heal better when they know their mom did all she could to help make a relationship with a father. We only hurt our kids when we deny them the right to at least see for them selves. God bless you I hope my advice helps a bit.
If he wants to see her and have a relationship, then maybe let it go thru the courts. If he really wants to be there then he will show up otherwise leave her out of it until he proves otherwise. It’s not going to be an easy decision either way. Just do best for you and your daughter.
I wouldn’t let him just yet.
You don’t get to leave then just show up and make demands.
He can go to court if he’s serious.
Don’t put your baby in more stress
That’s a really hard one. If he is not a safety issue then I would allow it. Of course supervised. She may be a child but she’s not dumb and she will realize that he is unstable and not want to be in his life. But at least you did not keep them apart
Sounds like he has a new love interest and trying to show that he’s a good dad. Been there done that he will move on
I would set something up however I would have your husband and your daughter’s fathers sister that she is familiar with all present and not state that that man is her biological father. Let them get to know each other before that discussion is made. To give him the opportunity to show that he is active first as a friend than as a father.
Absolutely not! The fact that he was abusive, would be enough for me to say no. You and your daughters safety, needs to come first.
As a parent who has been thru serious child custody/visitation problems with the other parent, my advice is to get an attorney or contact your attorney ASAP. If you don’t have a formal custody/visitation agreement in place, then the father has just as much right to the child as you do (by law). This means he can legally abscond with the child if he wants. You have concerns since dad was abusive to you in the past, so that’s just one more reason to get an attorney. You MUST do things the legal way or you will be very sorry. If dad really wants a relationship with the child, he’ll go thru the process. Good luck to you.
My son’s father has been in and out of his life for 7 years. I still let him go because the way that I look at it is, it’s his dad and that’s how he sees him. Eventually, my son will learn his dads true colors but that’s for him to learn on his own. And later in life, if he wants to continue a relationship with him, then good. If not, I’ll be here to support him either way. I was very blunt with my son because I believe it takes a more emotional toll on older kids when they learn their step dad isn’t their biological father (IMO). So even though he calls my husband daddy, he knows that he’s not his biological father. And if you decide not to allow him back, eventually she will want to know who her father is and might have anger towards you for keeping him away. Everybody is different but that’s just my opinion.
Which would you rather be… The mother who tried to let a little girl know her Dad. Or the mother that kept him away.
Let him go through court system. He has to be worthy to see his daughter after abandoning her. bet he has not paid cne cent in child support. The court will set up support payments, supervised visitation and hopefully parenting classes. See if he follows through. Until then, go on with your daily lives. His only contact with you should be through the court.
Contact your lawyer and set up mediation and request supervised visitation, either at your house or a safe neutral space. If he doesn’t want to comply with that then he obviously doesn’t care enough to see her. Make sure you’re doing it the correct way so he can’t say you’re just refusing visitation and try’s to take you to court
yep start out supervised visits for childs safety
Go through the courts. That way everything is documented. Your daughters safety is #1.
Id have him prove himself and go threw mediation again if he had anger issues
without a court order you don’t own parental rights and responsibilities 100% it’s 50/50 despite him being an absolute duche. I say consult a lawyer because withholding the child now could be damaging if it becomes a legal issue.
Your place or a public place. Maybe even have his sister as a witness if she can be mutual, or someone else that can be mutual. If he really wants to meet her, he should have no problems with your terms. However text, email, etc is the best way to communicate, that way it’s documented. Keep/print ALL documentation!!!
NOPE if he wants see her take you court set up parenting plan
Let him see his daughter can his sister supervise visits for awhile till dad and child know each other better
No. He lost his chance. Why now, what changed? I wouldnt submit her to all of his drama. When she is older and able to make her own decisions about her life, may be you coukd revisit the matter. Right now its only going to cause confusion.
Awe mama my heart breaks for you😢 such a hard choice to make.
I’d start with supervised visits. That way you’re there and not just leaving her with him unattended. He doesn’t get to pick and choose when he wants to be a parent, and I don’t know the full background BUT she does deserve to know who her real dad is, and if he flakes again, then she’ll know who he really is. I hope it doesn’t end like that, but you can’t withhold her from him, that just seems a bit selfish to me
I would say no! Contact the courts or a lawyer! If you guy have tried mediation twice. Along his behaviors. I say you have a case.
I would have a picture of her bio dad for when/if she asks.
Having her see him now is taking a chance of him saying or doing something that may affect her long term. He should pay child support and go through court visitations, I would wait til she’s older.
Maybe do Skype or visit in an environment where they are not alone and can be supervised.
I’d go through the courts and get back support and supervised visitation. I wouldn’t make it easy for him
Nope fk that. Its been almost 18 mos since my ex last seen my son and if he contacts me again(been no contact since July 2020 his choice) I will block him. My son doesn’t see him as dad and is better off 
That’s a hard decision you have to make, if you decide to let him I’d do it at your house or a public place and let her meet him but not tell her it’s her dad and see how it goes, it’s going to be more harmful for her if she meets him then disappears from her life again
For the sake of your daughter, you should consider giving it a try. You’re in a tough situation. Idk the whole background but I hope you’re able to decide what’s best. Good luck
My mom kept my dad away I have resentment still do.
What if you have him over as a “friend” start there
I would go Thur the courts and get full custody first. Then I would have the family courts set up supervised visits due to past abuse. Then if he does good with the visits they can become normal visits. I have a feeling he will not follow Thur but at least you will be allowing him a chance. If he is really serious about getting to know his daughter he will go thru with it and she will be safe. I hope he has changed and really wants a relationship with his daughter and not wanting to make trouble for you. Just my opinion. Good luck and God bless.
I would just keep in mind that your relationship problems are with him and should be kept between you and him. I didn’t get to see my dad regularly till I was around 6 or 7 I believe. I know I met him beforehand but it doesn’t register in my memory. I do remember my mom telling me every bad reason she didnt want me and my sister to go though. 27 years old now, I still have communication issues with my dad because there wasn’t any for a long time, and relationship issues with men and understanding their emotions even though I had a wonderful stepfather I didnt have that very important attention from my own biological father. I’m grateful though I got to know him for myself. He does have a heart of gold and shows his love in his own way. Like others have said do you wanna be the bitter mom or do you want your daughter to have every advantage?
I would say no unless he’s ready to go to court and have an agreement because he might just walk out again hurting her and putting her through the confusion for nothing
She has a right to know her dad. Her dad is your partner. Your parter has stepped up & is her dad. She knows nothing but him. Blood. Does. Not. Make. Family.
Don’t confuse her.
I say let her find out when she’s older and let him go through the courts. Causing conflict and stress in your home when he’s been absent by choice isn’t your fault and it’s really not your problem
Supervised visits!!!
Very tough situation. If you want take it to court to have supervised visits (expecially since you mention abuse for him in the past). I have a niece where her bio dad popped in Evey few years to play dad for a day or two and then gone again… She learned fast he’s not a real dad and was just a way word visitor, but all visits where done at public places like parks etc and he never took her alone, all done with just mom and him up tell she was 12 then it had to go to court as he tried to claim custody… Nasty system the courts tho.
If you don’t want court that’s the route I’d take and see how serious he is in being a part of the child’s life and go from there. He has a right to see his child IF he wants to take an active role note a way word role.
I didnt meet my bio dad until I was 5yrs old. He played game and it has mentally effected me. He needs to be there for the long run and not play games with this little girl mentally or emotionally. I’d start supervised and move up from there. They need to get to know each other first.
90 days in some states of no contact or anything is considered abandonment. I would not let him see her. He can take you to court but it’ll reflect bad on him. Keep all messages you have.
Go through mediation again or supervised contact, but I wouldn’t allow him to just walk in
I didn’t even read the whole thing, I didn’t need to. Don’t do it! My youngest daughter is 7. Her biological father and I separated in 2016, divorced in 2017. She was born in 2013. So she was 3 when we split. He didn’t see her or contact me for about 6 months after we split. He said it was to hard to talk to or be around me because of the separation and upcoming divorce. He said he missed her and wanted to see her. I agreed. When it came time to get her, he vanished. 6 months later, after I had filed for child support, he popped back up and wanted to see her again. I agreed. De ja vu. He was a no call/no show again. By this time she was 4. She had stopped even asking about him. She’s 7 now and every few months he will text or message asking about her and asking to see her. Now, I flat out tell him to fuck off. My daughter deserves better than that! My husband is who she knows as her dad and we’re in the process of an adoption by step-parent on the grounds of biological parental abandonment. We’re basically petitioning the court to allow my husband to adopt her because her biological father abandoned her. Not that it has affected her at all really. She is happy, healthy and very well taken care of without her flake of a sperm donor in her life. She knows that my husband isn’t her “original dad” (as she says it). But he didn’t even show up for the divorce proceedings, so I was awarded sole legal and physical custody, he has no rights of visitation and she has, since birth, my maiden name.
If he truly wanted his child in his life, he would’ve stepped up and made it happen. Sounds like he’s either finally trying or he’s trying to get something out of it. Either way, none of us know the situation like you do and none of us know him or your daughter except for you. You make the decision because you know what’s best for your daughter
Ok so the situation is touph. I’m a very strong believer in the more love and more people too love my child the better. Its not the 50s we are capable of having more than one mom or dad figure. He could love her and become a huge positive in her life. However, I would be very careful bc it is your job too protect her. It’s his also but history with him isn’t great. Obviously don’t ever leave him alone with her. Maybe make it public with your partner present. Maybe don’t explain too her that’s her dad and tell him she doesn’t remember him so he needs too prove himself first. Court system is an option but if he has a job and he appears stable they’ll give him partial custody. The court system could result in alot of pain. Anyways it’s difficult and I would have him prove himself first.
I would be concerned if he came back into her life for a little while then skip out again. My brother was like that with his son he would come when it was convenient for him luckily my nephew was just a baby and didn’t know any better. I just think a parent that isn’t consistent in their child’s life bc they choose to be inconsistent is hurtful for a child.
If u do I would say supervise the visits with him dont send her alone with .if u dont feel comfortable around him maybe if can have someone else supervise either way.if she was older I would say let her make that decision. I’ve been there maybe also have conversations about with her .
If he was abusive, I wouldn’t what’s to say he won’t turn his abuse on her. I haven’t seen my dad in 20+ years and don’t regret it.
I vote no. But if you want to try again I would say try mediation again. If he was abusive I’d be highly reluctant to let him around your little one
As a child who was the same way tell him it will be her decision when she gets 13
No way till she is older
Personally, I wouldnt let my ex meet my son if he tried to get ahold of me. Hes 4 years old, and sees my boyfriend as his dad. He understands that hes not the dad he was born with, but sometimes you get lucky and get to choose your family. One day when hes old enough, Ill tell him the truth about his real dad, but until then, he just know that his ‘dad’ is the person who loves him, takes care of him, and has been there since he was a year old.
Your daughter is 5. She has a dad, even if hes not biological, and shes happy. Dont confuse her. Dont risk putting her through necessary pain, and don’t feel guilty about it. She has all the love she needs, and bringing someone who abandoned her into her life will do more harm than good. If he genuinely wants to make things right and have a relationship with her, he can go through the courts and get supervised visits.
My suggestion is for him to build a repor with you first. He needs to regularly on his own text or email you asking about his daughter that does not involve your daughter knowing. After he’s done that for a year or more then talk about slowly mixing him into her life. Where he’s known as a friend comes till to party’s or something so he doesn’t stand out to much. Once he’s stuck around you can tell her who he really is and she will be older and able to understand more. If he can’t do that then he can wait till she’s older and you can ask her if she’s interested in meeting her bio dad or not.
It’s been so long, I wouldnt let him meet her without taking the time to explain to her who he even is, you can tell her about it and honestly ask her if she’s interested in meeting him. She might not even want to meet this man she doesn’t know, and hasn’t seen. He skipped out once and he might do it again. If she shows interest, Tell her about him, and him about her, maybe start with a phone call a few times a week, then a video chat, supervised visits, slowly over the next year, build up to face to face visits if you’re comfortable.
Nope nope nope. She doesn’t need a person who only wants to play daddy once every now and then. It’s very damaging. I wouldn’t even offer supervised visitations. He abandoned her once,and will likely do it again. But this time she will Remember it. Your daughters emotional well being trumps all.
Allow him to speak to her and tell him he has to be consistent. Experience says he won’t be and then you go from there.
1yr of not seeing your child in illinois it’s abandonment
My advise is no. Don’t even talk to him. You said he’s abusive. That’s a red flag. Don’t let your baby go to an abusive person. He can file in court for rights. Which 90% of the time they don’t especially when he’s not obligated to child support. If he does get a lawyer & request supervised visits only. Just because he shares DNA doesn’t make him safe or mean she knows him. It’s no different than sending him off with a total stranger. That would be traumatic.
I’m literally in the exact same boat except my daughter is 5 and personally how I dealt with it was that I told him he had to make a parenting plan just so I have faith that he’s going to be consistent. And specified he can only call her. Unfortunately my baby daddy wasn’t willing to put effort into it so I’ve yet to hear from him, but might be something that could help your situation.
Nope. If he wants to see her he will fight for it. Let him hang himself with his own rope
This also depends on what he has done to better his life
She is at the age she will remember him if he comes around even once! She is happy right now and seems to have a great daddy already! She will be confused and hurt to meet her bio dad even once and he doesn’t show back up… IF you do decide to reintroduce him to her do it as a friend! Let him come around as a friend of the family to see if he will be consistent. If it works out eventually explain to her who he is and if it doesn’t then she just lost a friend and not her bio dad again. Kids are smart… If it doesn’t work out tell her later on look(friend is your bio dad) You gave him a chance he decided not to be in her life she will see that he didn’t stick around.
If he wants to see her let him go through the courts. Have him serve you. You have to protect your daughter. If he is serious about it he will go through the proper channels.
My sons father has never been in the picture since I was pregnant. If he decides to pop up one day he can go through the courts because I have begged too many times for him to want to even meet his child.
It is far more damaging on a child to have a parent that comes and goes than never knowing that parent at all. Role models and positive influences matter more than blood at the end of the day. Goodluck mama.
I say meet him as a friend for now, Bio Dad must understand that as well and Go from there.
It’s good that she like your now partner & hopefully that last forever. But, there is always a but, her real father is her father & you can’t change that. Yes you can keep her from him & later one of two things can happens…she hated you because you kept her from him or she is OK that you did. But I’m going with she will hate you. If he is really a bad person , she will see it over time. Let her see him. Explain that a long time ago you & him we’re happy or whatever had her,but some things changed & yes the guy you are with now treats her well and she’s very lucky she has 2 men in her life that lives her. But her real father needs to understand this is not a part time thing. He needs to be there for her
Unfortunately, you should!! Even though he is unreliable, he is still her dad!! Allow her to develope her own view of him, and not rely on yours!! Allowing her to get to know him, good and bad, will result in her knowing her truth!! As long as he doesn’t harm her, or put her in a unsafe situation, I would say let her see him!! Keeping her away and not allowing her to see for herself will result in resentment towards you for not allowing it, and only bring her heart break later in life , when she does find him and realizes he isn’t daddy material!! She has your partner, that is a gauranteed dad if things go left!! Good luck 
p.s. only involve the courts if it turns out he has changed, so you guys can square away adequate visitation!! Otherwise, save yourself the money and time if it’s the same old crap!!
Ok well first off after seeing it was an abusive relationship, coming from one myself, I wouldn’t. At the very least not privately. Have a public discussion about him seeing her. Find out why all of a sudden he wants to see her. Before letting him see her contact a child support or custody lawyer/resource. Tell them what’s going on why you left him and how now he wants to be there but you’re extremely uncomfortable with that. Was there a restraining order against him or any charges? Bring up a legal custody agreement for the year and see if he’s willing to do that. Make him prove he’s changed and can be the parent he needs to be. If not then don’t let him see her
No. No. No. It’s more harmful and heartful to have him in and out of her life. It’s just confusing. Wait till she is older.
No. Make him go to court so there is a paper trail.
I would tackle it by viewing the whole situation from your daughters perspective.
It is good for children to have a relationship with theyre parents, I wrote a list of risks and then openly and honesty address them.
My plan for reintroduce my ex into my daughters life went like this .
So as not to negative impact on mum ( caregiver human) and childs family life.
A) introduced series of supervised by her real Dad and yourself visits to slowly get child used to being with them ( also works as a filter for anyone not committed to the childs needs and if they are too disfunctional to be consistent)
At her home where she is safe and comfortable with her birth father who made her while her dad who chose her is present .
6 x fortnightly visits for two hours.
6 fortnightly visit s for 4 hrs
Then
1 day a fortnight for 6 months
All supervised.
Then if he achieves this
2hrs unsupervised weekly
I explained this was to mitigate the impact on my child from previous feeling s abandonment that she experienced. And to keep her safe from potential future impact of, abandonment.
Also an opportunity to learn to meet her needs as he doesn’t know her.
If any visit is missed by him we restart the clock. For her protection.
For the time being safeguarding special family time like birthdays Christmas public holidays. So not available because its more important to keep the strong extended family times to fall back on if history repeats itself.
He kicked and bucked for a year. When I didn’t budge he finally made it about her.
And we are working through it .
My girl has the option not to see him if she doesn’t want to.
She has been (by definition) abandoned by her bio dad for years. There would be nothing to discuss. I would have the man who is helped raise her to adopt her and when she is older then let her decide if she wants bio dad in her life or not.
Let him go through the courts and ask for visitation. If he is willing to do that then you’ll know he is serious. If not, I wouldn’t encourage it as he walked away. Document all your conversations.
1 year of no contact with your child in GA is considered abandonment. I went through this with mine and when we went to court, he ignored me. I knew where he was going so I went and waited and straight up asked him if he wanted to know about his kids? Asked him if he had any questions about his kids? It was at his grandmother’s house in the road and he was trying to keep me quiet but i was angry. After calming down that same day, we talked and slowly introduced them back after almost 5 years of no contact. However, he had to deal with their anger in the beginning because by the time this occurred they were preteens. He dealt with it as it was like his consequences and now he gets them regularly and holidays were my discretion but we finally compromise on that. He’s not a bad guy but needed some dang direction. I do still get child support and I wanted our kids to have both parents. This is just our story… I’m not sure how your ex is but if he’s a good guy and just needs a little guidance, help him figure it out if that’s what is needed. Robby you got any advice?
I say no bc he will probably see her one time.an do it again an break her heart again.
My sister going through same thing an he seen kids one time an ain’t seen them again in two years
If he really wants to see her he can take it to court and establish his parental rights.till then he can piss off.
I think she deserves to know her dad. But maybe not as “dad” until he can prove himself. She can just call him by his name. You call the shots. But yeah, she deserves to know him.
Yes…only if he goes through court…they will not let him see her…if he doesn’t have his shit together…Also see if he wants to pay child support…
Why does he suddenly want to see her after all this time? Trying to impress a new girlfriend? Sounds suspish. Unless he’s on his death bed (and if he says so, I’d need to confirm it with his doctor), he doesn’t have any track record on being a real dad and he’s already forfeited his rights. And since you’ve NEVER gotten ANY type of support, I suggest you terminate his rights through the courts. Probably wouldn’t show in court or bother to pay a lawyer, so you’ve got a good case what with his long-term abandonment.
As an abuser who had no interest in her for most of her life, why would you introduce her? Tell him to make sure you always have his contact info and let her decide if she wants to meet him at 16 or 18. Otherwise sounds like you’re setting her up for disappointment (and possible kidnapping or abuse). So that’s a no from me.
I’d say let them have a meeting at the park or a restaurant.
I would simply tell him if he is serious about it he is welcome to take you to court… put himself on child support &get visitation rights. I put my oldest bio on child support in hopes he would come around and be in his life… he never paid and never saw him… when he finally reached out I told him to take me back to court… never did.
if he was “very abusive” I would say no.
No. No court will make her go with him and neither should you. Your family is her safe place. He’s neither safe nor family to her. So glad you found a good one to set the example of a real man and good dad for her.
I say he should stay away. If he was abusive during your time together and hasn’t bothered to see her for 3 years then he has no business trying to get involved now. I also wouldn’t risk her safety.
The best thing if you have safety concerns would be to politely say that if this is a serious request you two need to sit down with a neutral 3rd party , lawyers probably, and come to an agreement to re introduce him to her and ensure her mental and emotional health.
If hes really wanting it hell do it and if he tries to fight you legally you’ll have proof that you offered a reasonable arrangement and he refused.
My youngest daughters dad disappeared when I was pregnant, got in contact when she was about 3 and I decided to let him see her…only with me there…he was around for about a week or so then gone again…same thing 3 years later except this time after meeting I decided to cut contact because he’s a narcissistic sociopath…
My daughter has grown up with her older siblings dad…he’s always treated her like his even though we’re not together…she calls him dad and knows she has another dad but never asks about him …she didn’t really like him when she did meet him 
kids have great sense of people I think
I am sorry but it is not up to you to make him part of her life he has to show up and be present if he wants Her to know who he is.
Now that being said if you feel obligated then it needs to be on your terms you know what your daughter can handle. And if you do t think she is ready then it needs to be postponed until she can understand the situation.
He doesn’t want your daughter. He found out you had a new man and baby and wants to insert himself intonyour life too regain some control. Ignore him. He made his choices and he’s had 5 years to be a father and hasn’t. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.
As long as your daughter knows the truth (soon) and knows who is daddy (your partner) and she has a father (bio dad), you’ve done nothing wrong. He needs to go back where hes been for 5 years amd leave the happy child alone.
That’s kind of a tough one, I’m going through the same situation and it absolutely sucks. So I haven’t heard from her dad in well over a year, and that was only a phone call with a no show, and then no answers, even when I would let him know his daughter is the one who wanted to call. Mind you I knew better than to even say he was supposed to come over, and before that it was at least 6 months before the last response to a text message and I think another 5 or6 before that. I tried talking to him serveral different times and letting him know I Will not let my daughter grow up thinking that’s ok, or wondering why dad doesn’t answer or come over or talk to her. So now we don’t say his name ever. I mean if she talks about him you know we’ll talk or whatever but I’m definitely not going to trigger our initiate anything like that because it makes me angry when I see the look in her face and confusion and everything else. And it isn’t like I haven’t given him extreme amounts of chances like hey can we just do this one day a week if you can’t come then just call me and let me know you know but I need consistent communication with us before anything else would happen. And is definitely not that I want to pursue anything with them the slightest bit because that will never be the case again, and I am extremely cordial and nice whenever I talk to him like I don’t just start flipping out or anything like that so that’s definitely not an excuse either. personally I would put out some ground rules like hey if you and me can communicate and you know just on a mutual respect level for a while then you know we’ll see what what can happen but the majority of the time that would probably be the end of it because a lot of people only want to put effort in when it’s convenient for them, and that really sucks in his extremely not fair. Sorry you’re going through this and sorry your family is going through this.
If he can’t keep a commitment to meet you to discuss his daughter. He should not meet her. You don’t want to introduce chaos or uncertainty to your daughter. But you will want to show her later that you tried…one day your daughter will ask you her history on her own. You will want to show her you sheltered her but also gave him a chance to try. If he fails its on him. She doesn’t need to learn this lesson yet.
Coming from a child that found out her bio dad at 15, I highly suggest you do.
And let him decide whether to try or not but your daughter wont have resentment towards you if you try to let him come around now.
If she finds out later in life she may resent you.
I say at least try. She will follow her own feelings. She will know that your partner is still a great person in her life.