Help! How do you handle your sons wanting to move in with their dad, who’s located 2 hours away? My sons, aged 12 and 13, have expressed they want to move in with their dad, who lives 2 hours away. This would mean a change of school districts. My heart is broken! I had always been the primary caretaker since my divorce ten years ago. Their dad works very early in the morning (4 am) and would not be present to get them ready for school or attend school functions, dr appointments, etc. His girlfriend would be doing most of the parenting. My whole heart tells me this is not the best thing for my sons, but I also don’t want them to resent me. I’ve tried talking to them about why it’s not in their best interest but they are 12 and 13-year-old boys who can’t see past their own wants.
That’s tough mama, I would hate letting them move out of my house but that is their dad 
I had a similar situation with my boys and their dad. In my case it was their dad pushing for the move more. We ended up going to court and letting a judge decide that way neither of us were the bad guy and my boys can’t blame or resent me for not letting them move.
They are at the age to say who they want to live with. If that’s what they want then let them go.
I let my daughter move with her Dad best thing I could have done. It hurt like hell but are relationship is stronger.
It may not be a “want” to them. This could be something that they need.
I can completely understand that it’s going to hurt you, but I doubt that it’s their intention to do so.
What about doing a summer flip flop. Have them stay all summer with their dad you do weekends or what ever works then school year with you. Offer the alternative.
Ugh…I just went thru this with my boys…they each lived with their dad (as they wanted) for 6 months…it was not at all what they thought it would be…they are back home now but I had to let them decide what they wanted…do a trial run in the summer months and see if it’s what they really want…
Listen to your kids.
I wouldn’t allow it since the girlfriend would be doing the parenting. Now if she were the stepmom, then I would maybe consider it.
It hurts to think your child may chose one parent over another but we must acknowledge a child will always pick the parent who has the best or does the most it’s nothing to do with who they like more
Tell them they need to finish out the school year with you and then if they still feel they want to live with their father that it is up to them but let them know they can come back any time they want.
You’d get to sleep in
No excuse to give into them. Maybe that’s what they want the freedom to do what they want. They could just tell the girlfriend they don’t have to listen to her. Do what is best for them.
Depending on what state you live in, there is an age at which you can’t prevent them from making that choice. Where I live it’s 13 and the court will only prevent it, if you can prove it’s an unsafe place.
If he’s a good dad then maybe let them go for the summer to feel it out and see how they think after 2 months.
Been there. If you don’t let they they will come to recent you later. Maybe they will learn from it.
I would let them go during the summer and see how they like it.
Dont do it you know whats best for them and let them resent you for it they will thank you when they are older, are there less rules there than at yours?
As hard as that is they should have that chance. Try not to take it as they love you any less. Take it as they want to know their dad better. Prayers mom they will never forget or replace you .
Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and do what’s in their best interest. My kids had went through this for a short time. I never let them live there because it wasn’t as stable as it was with me. They may have resentment now while they’re young but they will understand your reasoning when they get older.
Let them choose and tell them your door is always open. They’re getting older let them make choices for themselves
My concern would be the whole dad not even being really involved & it would be the girlfriend. Do they really want to live with dad or do they think that dad wont be around much so they can get away with more. Also what is your relationship like with the girlfriend? Are you able to communicate with her for those things such as dr appts?
I think it’s okay that they want to and they are at the age now where they are allowed to decide! First of all the ‘girlfriend’ how long has she been with him for? You have done this for the last how ever many years and maybe it is a good idea for dad to step up and the gf to understand a life that involves children… don’t get to down… any compromises on the school situation? Is there a bus that could possibly still take the kids to their school? But also they are in high school and have just started? Good luck mum
Let them. Yes it will hurt like hell and hurt everyday but it might be what’s best for them.
Honestly they’re boys. They’re probably yearning the presence of their father figure during this confusing point in their lives. I’d say talk it over with their father and be very realistic as to what they’ll require as kids (like what you mentioned sports, events, school, etc.) then see how he’d be able to do that. Then you both decide what would be the healthiest and best option for them. This can’t be about pride or ego because then the kids would suffer. He need to be 100% upfront about how all of this would fit in and if his intentions would be to have his partner raise them because that’s also a valid concern.
Tell them no as there parent u have the right. And the girlfriend is a temporary person until they are married.
I would suggest maybe letting them go for the summer but still have them finish school with you and come back when the summer is done
They need their dad at this age… you will always be their mom…keeping them with you would be selfish.
My son wanted to live with his dad. It hurt a lot to let him even go, but in the end, (a year later) he ended up coming back to me because his dads wasn’t what he thought it would be. Personally, I would let them go. Make sure to leave all lines of communication available.
Maybe think about why they want to. Is there something going on at your house? Maybe there’s a boyfriend that you have that makes them uncomfortable. A bully down the street … maybe they miss their dad. Try asking them to find out why they want to move. Maybe just more time with their dad would help.
I let my son do it at 12, I was in California, his dad in Ohio. He came back after the school year was done. Longest nine months of my life but I’m glad I let him make that decision.
My daughter wanted to move in with her dad so I let her. It sucks but she’s happy and that’s all that matters to me I get her every weekend. I’m going to say let them go and if they don’t like it they will be back.
Why not send them for the summer and see what they think afterwards?
Im not telling what to or what not to do but my boyfriend of 5.5 years has full custody of his daughter 10 years old and I am the primary caretaker of her and my two kiddos. She’s my bonus baby I love her exactly like my own. Were planning on getting married in October but I’ve been the girlfriend for this long and have been to every appt at doctor dentist orthodontist when she’s sick at school I pick her up. I love it and I love her. My ex husband had a woman he had a child with too and she was my kiddos step parent and still is even though my ex husband and her aren’t together. I love her to death because she loves my kids. If his gf is willing to do this be so so thankful she cares. Xoxo heres a pic of my stepdaughter in bed watching TV with me 
Maybe I’m the odd one out here but I would tell them that if they choose to do this it is a commitment and they cant just turn around and say oh no I don’t like it and want to move back. It’s not a game and this is a serious decision and they have to treat it as one.
Maybe for the summer. But that’d be it. The dad moved away- no reason for you to not have your children during the year because he decided to move away.
I get it girly. I would be so upset if my son said that he wanted to live with his dad. But maybe let them do a trial run over the summer and see if they still want to do that. They might realize they won’t see their dad as much and want to come back. But if the girlfriend isn’t able to care for them properly, if that’s a concern then don’t do it.
The grass is always greener. My daughter and I were just talking today about when she did that. She was 12 and I let her go. It lasted a month and she begged to come back home.
I’d let them…and then if they want to come home let them know they can come home…I value my sons happiness over my own wants and needs but it’d only be if I knew their father could be a father and not one who worked all the time… and as for the girlfriend I would be getting to know her real quick…
Let them go, but make sure they know the door is always open for them to come back
Talk to the father and address all concerns.
As long as you trust the girlfriend at that age they are able to choose legally in many states. I would have to know I could communicate with them daily and have them understand they could come home at any point. As long as the environment is stable.
I had a friend who had the same problem. She ended up with a revolving door, with her, with dad, two weeks later back with her. She finally told him. Leave again and you cannot come back to stay for a year. He went, she stood her ground and he came back a year later, never again mentioned he would rather live with dad.
At this age if you said no and dad took you to court they would ask the boys themselves. It’s sad and I hate this for you but maybe let them and let them see how not present he is?
Let them they are old enough to decide for their selves.
No love like a mothers. As long as they are safe and taken care of let them. They need the presence of their father right now at such a complex age for them and becoming men themselves and dont know where to start. Let it start with Dad. They need this at the moment They will be back eventually. They love you and You are in their hearts.
Does dad let them get away with alot of things you wouldn’t? If so, that may be a reason why. Dad may not give them harsh consequences or a consequence at all. My issue would be dad not being around to parent them.
Don’t give your babies to another woman. Your ex just wants to take your kids from you so he doesn’t have to pay child support & so you loose your bond with them. Explain to them that Dad with be their parent. He’s just using them to hurt you.
I’m in the same situation but with daughter’s 13 and 14 and they want to go live with there dad 2 hrs away 
At that age I don’t see how you really get much of a choice in the matter. They are old enough to choose where they want to be at that point.
Talk to them. Address your concerns with dad. That’s all you can do
Maybe compromise…a week with you and week with them. Like try over the summer and they may have second thoughts about it. I thought that’s what I wanted at that age, and then I spent the whole summer with my dad and could NOT wait to be with my mama again. Tell them they have to finish out the school year and then try to see how the summer goes. I think they may have second thoughts…I know it’s super hard. I’d be crushed if my kids said that to me too. But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side as you know, but they have to find out for themselves
Why not try for 2 weeks there and 2 weeks at home? It seems like a good compromise. Explain to them kids how much you’d miss them if they lived with their dad full time but you know they miss him and need him as well so 2 weeks there every month could work out for everyone.
You need to actually sit and think about it. You are the parent, not them. That’s gonna cost you a lot of time and money, you need to think about the repercussions and whether it’s worth all that. Also, what did the dad say? Did he tell them they could move in with him?
Make them finish the school year and then test it over the summer.
I would ask why they want to move with him. If its because he is the softer parent and they are just being typically teens, I wouldnt worry too much.
On the other hand if their reasoning is deeper, young men needs their dads too
like others have said–let them try for the summer before deciding. Or ask them if they would like to switch off with summers with dad and school year with you or the opposite.
It’s a fine line. I’m sure they’d quickly see the grass isn’t likely greener. But you know what is best for them. Follow your gut. 
Why not discuss a trial run with them and their dad. After school ends let them go live with him for the summer to get adjusted to their dad’s schedule of being up and gone before they even roll over in the mornings, him not being there at lunch and maybe being late for dinner and them having no time with him but just time with his girlfriend taking care of their every need - it could change their outlook on things knowing that this same routine will be there for school days as well. And if they truly enjoy let them go for one school year and let them know and realize that there is a lot of things that have to be done before hand like registering for a new school with their dad the only one in charge and the possibility that if something were to happen he may not be able to get there and it will be his girlfriend doing most of the things for them - it may change their mind but they are boys wanting dad time it seems. Good luck in whatever choice you make and as another person said always let them know the door is always open for them to return.
My mom had the same thing with my brother so she let him go he was back a year later found out it wasn’t what he really wanted.
they do it cause dad doesnt have as many rules im sure mine were the same especially my daughter she said dad cares i said thats not caring its the opposite dad went his merry way she could do as she pleased she soon worked it out
Let them, give them some control, they love you both but if youve been primary then letting them go and bond with their father is a big thing.
What reasons did your sons give for wanting to go live with their dad?
I wouldn’t want my son living with his bio dad his dad 40 something parties like he 16 years old hang with 20 year old abusive pos
I would rather have my kids resent me NOW for protecting them than having them in a possibly bad situation. They might think they know what they want but later they might realize how much their father really won’t be around. Just my opinion. Do whatever YOU know is right for your children. Good luck with whatever you decide
My mom and dad divorced when I was 2. When I was 16 I begged to live with my dad (2 hours away) I was there 3 months before I was begging my mom to come back home. Sometimes ya just gotta let them go. It’s not always better at dads. Lol.
Let them go. Let them see where they want to be. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener and they have to see it for themselves
Your job is to be their parent, not their friend. Their feelings shouldn’t dictate how you handle this situation.
I would let them try it. I know someone who went through this exact thing. Her kids were calling to come home after the 2nd night! But I would wait for summer break befor they move. So you don’t have to worry about changing school districts right away. Just in Case it doesn’t work out. And is still keep them every weekend. Good luck to you, I hope they will decide living with I is the better choice.
Maybe let them go stay the summer with them and they can decide if they feel comfortable with their surrounding and or happy being there ? They are old enough to decide on where they wanna go , and don’t doubt their love for you sometimes boys just wanna be around their dads
They may just need their dad. Honestly I would let them. Boys go through things that moms can’t help them with and they are at that age.
Just support them and let them go. Tell them that you’ll miss them and they can come back whenever they like. Then have arrangements for when they stay with you.
They’re more likely to want to go more if you say no. There’s not much you can do about it if their dad is willing to have them.
(My daughter did the same when she was 12 and then changed her mind and now doesn’t even want to sleep at her dads on the weekend. I think she realised that more freedom also meant a lot more responsibilities)
Let them go. more than likely they will be back within a year or so. They need to see the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere. And if its what they are asking for your showing them that you love them, support their choices and always have their back.
Let them do it. If they feel it isn’t working they’re clearly comfy enough to let you know they want a move.
Have them try it out for a week… then, they might change their minds
If the father was married then it would probably be more reasonable to allow the wife to help get them ready. However, a girlfriend (I guess depending how long they’ve been together) i would say no. It just doesn’t seem ok that he wouldn’t be there to actually get them ready.
I think what you should consider now is how much time they are spending with their dad. If it’s every other weekend or very short visits, they could just want to live with their dad because he spoils them when they’re there. Do they stay weekends? Over spring break? Maybe just see if they’ll be ok with seeing him more but still staying with you during the school week.
Let them move with their dad
Let them stay the summer with him !
I would first talk to their father and see what he says, then I would have you and him talk to the boys and see what can be done as a resolution. It’s almost summer time and they’ll be out of school soon so maybe they could stay the summer. When it comes around school time again see if they want to stay or not
I just recently let my daughter (who is 12) stay with her dad more often for now. Its hard for sure but she has anxiety and I just moved into a new house and her anxiety ended up getting pretty bad at my house. She does still come over but she does not stay the night. Also he only lives 5 mins away. Some ppl tell me I’m doing the wrong thing but others tell me I’m not. She has a phone and we text often. It all came down to what was best for her mental health. So I’m sure my reasoning is different. Hang in there momma
My 11 year old (step son but still mine) has wanted to live with us for two years now and hates his mom more and more as time goes on cause he cant
At that age, I’d say yes
WHY do they want to go?
Also at that age they’re more than capable of handling most of their morning routine with the help of a loud alarm clock, and since dad works so early he should be available for after school hours
Make them finish out the school year with you, let them go to the dads for the summer and reevaluate before school starts back. They may go, realize it’s not as fun as they thought and want to come back home in a month.
I think it would be beneficial for them to go. Let them try it…it’s only two hours away…and you can be there quickly if it doesn’t work out.
I’d do a trial over the summer and if they liked it doing it fulltime for fall.
Let them and if they often miss school, or their grades are highly affected after 6 months, pull them back . (Discuss the terms with dad )
Step parents can be a great help!
Suggest they wait til the school year is over, then allow them to go for 1 month without coming back. At that point they will know what living there is like, if they decide to still go, then best to let them. Remember where they live doesn’t mean they don’t love you or need you in their lives.
Let them spend the summer and if they want to continue I would allow them to at least try it . They can always move home
Trial the living with dad sitch first
No, let them spent summers
They are boys they are teenagers they my just want to live with dad because they are growing into young men. Maybe best to try it out for a while. They will hate you if you don’t at least that hate will last a while. They are in courts eyes in my state old enough to make that decision.
Have you spoken to the boys’ father about this? I would start there and see what his thoughts are on it and then go from there. Maybe a trial run over the summer and if it works, let them stay. If their grades fall or they’re not attending school come fall semester, bring them home!!
Oh this would break my heart… tbh I would just flat out say no because their ur children and it’s not their dad who would be taking primary care of them it’s his gf … I think unless it’s the dad doing all the parenting I would flat out say no and not even feel bad about it … you know what’s best for your children … and maybe like some of the above comments you could just let them stay their in the school holidays … that’s what I would do . I get it time with their dads important but you still have a say .
Let them go, they will be back
No…when 16 maybe they can make that call. I wouldnt allow it. Maybe suggest extra visits for now. Just my opinion. 
:person_shrugging:t2:
Perhaps they can live there over the summer and with you during school year?
My daughters come from a split home. I was heartbroken when my oldest wanted to go with dad. I let her, if you don’t really allow it they will do it on their own. It took a few months but my daughter came back home, she missed the structure of a household.
Personally, I would contact your ex-husband and asked to sit down and talk with him about this. The two of you sitting across from each other having a real discussion about what this would look like, without the girlfriend present for this particular meeting. See if dad would be open to having them for the summer and maybe see how things are and reevaluate at the end of the summer. No big decisions about school year need to be made right now. If dad is open to that, then give it a go. Maybe they come stay with you every other weekend or some thing. They are at that funny age though right now we’re having a male presents as their body is changing and they may be having more and more questions, having their dad there to answer those questions is important.
Who knows, maybe dad will decide after the summer that this is not really a good fit after all. Never know.
Once you and dad make a decision with regard to summer, then I would suggest sitting down with both boys and talking to them about what this will look like. Dad can outline the universal expectations between both households. Also would give him the opportunity as a dad to let them know that this is a trial. Over the summer to see how things work and then explore what that would look like during the school year towards the end of summer. That way there’s a clear expectation being given that this is not permanent but more of a temporary feel to see how things go.
I don’t see why dad isn’t as deserving as you to have the kids. The only thing that you mentioned your concerned about is getting the kids ready in the morning. If dad is working at 4am, then he’d be home before they got home from school. The kids are 12 & 13, they can get dressed, eat and make it to the bus on time by themselves. Mom is concerned about the girlfriend being there, when dad isn’t in the morning. However, she fails to mention who she has watching the kids when she’s at work. It should be in the best interest of the kids, not what is going to hurt mom’s feelings,