Should I Tell My Child's Father When I Give Birth?

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"So a few month back my sister set me up with her boyfriends best friend. From the very beginning he love bombed me. He was really sweet and nice. I wasn’t attractive to his physical appearance (face) but I decided to give it a shot because going for looks never worked out for me. So him and I talked for awhile and he fell in love with me so fast! I told him that he needed to slow down. He did and I ended up growing an attraction to him because of his personality. We finally went on a date and I instantly knew he didn’t have any social skills. Something was just off. Sometime goes by and I start noticing more and more that he is a very high functioning adult with mild autism (I’m a mental health therapist). He has a son and would tell me that his son notices that he’s happy and in love with someone and how he’s so happy for him. After a while I meet his son and INSTANTLY knew that his son was autistic, his son has a speech impediment and barely talks. That threw me off because he told how much his son talks. I asked him and he told me that he’s emotionally disturbed because his biological mother left him. He said his son acts different when he’s around other people. I STILL gave him the benefit of the doubt. After some time, I started to notice that he’s always at home and he’s not working at this big corporate job that he said he has. I ask him about it and he said that he was “just let go”. More and more lies came out and I start noticing how toxic he is. I told him I needed some time away. I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later. I told him that I was pregnant and I’m 100% sure he’s the father because I wasn’t with anyone else and the timeline matches. I recorded each time we had sex in an app and when I looked back the last time was during my ovulation window (the condom broke and I took a plan B, obviously didn’t work). I was unsure about keeping the baby because I have kids, I’m divorced, I work 10-13 hour days, it’s just a lot. He promised he would be here and he begged me to not have an abortion. I still scheduled the procedure, when I got to the clinic and I was laying on the table, I couldn’t do it. I literally got up and ran out. Fast forward to now, I’m almost 11 weeks and yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be with me because we’ve been arguing (about him and all of his lies). I found out a lot of bad things about him. I did a background check on him because the things that he told me about himself weren’t adding up to the life that he was living. He’s had a few lawsuits against him, he’s been to jail for domestic violence and child endangerment. I found out he’s behind on his rent, he has no job, and he’s on welfare for him and his son. He portrayed himself to be something completely different. He is also very mean to his son, he sleeps all day, he’s threatened to come to my home and cause me harm when I didn’t want to do something he wanted, and he is just very irresponsible. He gaslights me constantly. I now understand why he was single for so long before meeting me and now I know why his relationships never worked out. I almost want to contact his sons mom and ask her what happened because I know he’s lying about her and why she left. He likes to intimidate and bully others because he’s 6’8 and Nigerian and tells me all the time “I’m African, I don’t take sh** from anymore especially women. I’m royalty in my country”. Probably another lie. So anyway, yesterday he told me that I’m better off getting an abortion because I told him that when I have the baby I don’t trust him to be alone with our child. He’s shown to me how violent he gets, and he’s just unfit to care for a child. He told me that if I don’t have an abortion, he’s going to apply for full custody and take the baby away as soon as he/she is born (he’s silly). I have proof of how unstable he is. I contacted my lawyer and explained to him everything and sent in my proof to him. I already knew what he was going to say. There would be no way a judge would ever grant him full custody. He thinks just because he has full custody of his son he could gain custody of mine. He had no choice but to get full custody because the mom left (I wonder why) and if he didn’t take his son he was going into foster care. She had nothing and turned to drugs supposedly. So I told him that I was going to have an abortion because I don’t want to deal with him. He told me “good that’s the best thing to do, I wish you the best in life. Goodbye”. But I’m not going to have an abortion, I can’t. I’ve already seen my baby in a ultrasound, I’m already showing and I feel little flutters. My lawyer told me to not put him on the birth certificate. I didn’t want to anyway and I was never going to give my child his last name. He threatened me before that he would take my baby back to Nigeria where he is from so by not putting him on the birth certificate gives him zero legal rights to the baby. So after all of this and if you’re still reading, my question is this. Would you tell him that you had the baby or would you not say anything at all? Would you eventually tell him after some time has passed by? I don’t need him for anything. I don’t want/need his child support (it’s not like he could pay anyway). That’s the only draw back of not putting him on the birth certificate. I make more than enough to provide. Besides that he is a toxic narcissist and I don’t want that for my baby, myself, or my other kids."

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The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"I would report him to child’s services because I’d be worried something could happen to his son and no, I would not tell him. He has already stated he didn’t want anything to do with the kid and wanted you to terminate. So he does not need to know. It’s safer for you and the baby that way. Good luck, mama"

"No, you will be creating problems for yourself and your son. According to how you describe him in the post, your son and you deserve better. Yes, you can tell your son once he is older who his dad is, but I don’t think is a good idea to tell the dad now. I mean for what? What do you think he is going to do? Has he approached you during your entire pregnancy at all to ask how the baby was?"

"No be done. Itll be much easier trust me"

"My personal opinion: NO, he was only the sperm donor"

"Good God no I would never in a million years let him know"

"No no no! Do not tell him anything and have no further contact with him!"

"Keep him off the birth certificate and do not tell him. Just cut all ties with him, seriously."

"He doesn’t want the baby, he should have no right to know. Cut all ties and stop any form of communication."

"Don’t say anything at all to him. However, keep in mind regardless if he’s on the birth certificate or not he could ask for paternity test and try for custody or visitation if anyone else tells him which would be terrible."

"THIS IS YOUR BABY. I would not tell him at all. He is unstable… clearly…. It’s best for you to just not have any contact with him. If he isn’t going on the birth certificate and you don’t need him in any way. Then don’t keep him in the loop? That’s just starting more and keeping him around.."

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