Hi guys, this is kind of a long story and a little bit like a vent but also I would appreciate some opinions. So in October of 2020, I attempted suicide and failed. I was in a mental institution for 6 weeks and I was put on medication, given ECTs, and was told to keep in contact with a bunch of different resources offered here. I had a lot of support - a psychiatrist, social worker, psychologist, anxiety and depression groups, etc…I’ve completed everything offered and still speak with a psychiatrist every few months. I was even taken off one of my meds and so far, so good. Now a little backstory, I have an 8 year old son, at the time I attempted suicide he was 6, just turning 7. He’s been living with his father full time but I see him often. I go to his house 3 times a week to do online schooling with him and he sleeps over every Friday, goes home Saturday. My son is extremely attached to me. He wants to play with me every second I’m around which makes Saturdays a little difficult for me. I have anxiety when he is around which I am working on but it’s there and it’s very exhausting. The problem is, he is often by himself at his father’s house. Either playing alone or playing video games alone. His grandma, grandpa and uncle also live with his father so there’s always people around but it seems nobody really spends time with him. It really hit home the other day on Easter when I found out his father actually worked that day and he was alone the majority of the day. It hurts knowing he spent Easter alone. When I found that out, I immediately went over but it got me wondering, does this happen a lot? Is he always alone? I don’t know if I’m ready for him to come back and live with me the majority of the time but it’s crossed my mind quite a bit. I want him to come live with me again but at the same time, I’m absolutely terrified I’ll relapse and he will have to go back to live with his father. I don’t want him to have to go through that. So my question is, should I have him back full time so that he isn’t always alone, or should I leave him as he is until I’m certain I can handle having him back home? Please don’t judge me. I love my son to death, he’s my entire world. I just worry about my mentality and how it could possibly affect him.
I’d ask for a week on/week off. See how you do with that and that will let you know
How to proceed
Could you just ask for more time? Like more of a half and half schedule?
Yes I would definitely try to ask for him to come 50/50
Sending you so much love. Being a mom (or parent) is one of the hardest things there is. Struggling with mental health issues makes things so hard.
Truly I think what’s in the best interest for your son is to let him stay with his father until you know you are in the best mental state you can be in.
Imagine if you did relapse, attempted and succeeded this time. That would scar your son for the rest of his life.
Maybe try to take your son out places more or ask for maybe Friday and Saturday night to stay at your place! I would wait though to have him stay with you full time. 
Could you possibly take him for awhile after school or see him a little more? Maybe also talk to the father about holidays and mention if he’s working that maybe you could take your son for awhile. I don’t know how your relationship with his father is but I would just try maybe seeing him more than fighting for him right now seeing your working on controlling your anxiety
I would ask Dad if it would be ok to spend more time with him. I’d increase the times you talk to him, maybe even set up facetime, etc so he can ‘call’ you, etc. I wouldn’t jump to trying to get full custody yet…but rather be more present and available. If Dad is working, can you go and hang out with your son, do homework, etc? Or can your son come to your house after school to do homework, etc?
Try alternating weeks until you feel like you can handle him. You definitely don’t want to be overwhelmed and take a chance of harming you or him in a heat of the moment downfall. Not sure of the word I’m thinking of right now.
If you have anxiety with having him around just one day , I don’t know that jumping in to anything more than that is a good idea. And of course he’s attached to you when he’s with you, he misses you. Some kids like playing alone. If the grandparents are older , they may not be able to keep up with him. That’s not always a bad thing
If you aren’t ready mama, you aren’t ready. You can’t care for a kid if you can’t care for yourself, and that starts with what you feel is right. You still have a motherly instinct. If you feel it’s completely safe for both of you, go for it. If you feel you need to test the waters, talk to his father about introducing a few overnights a week. See how you handle it. Any real loving parent would want the best for their child period. For me, that would be having the other parent capable to be in their kids life like they should be.
Sounds like you are free to go over to see him whenever the feeling hits you. I’d let him live there so you can still have your peace of mind at your house.
It doesn’t sound like you are read for the full commitment to him.
Just go visit him when you want.
When I was little my parents did 2 day/ 2 day/ 3 day. Might be an easier transition. Hugs momma!!!
I think maybe asking for 50/50 would be better to start. Gives you more time with him but doesn’t overwhelm you. That way you can worry about your mental health as well.
Why not baby steps? Working up to 50/50? I think that would be most beneficial for all parties involved. Sending love and light to you Xx
I’d start by asking dad if you son could start staying over weekends.
If dad is willing I would suggest slowly increasing time. This way you don’t overload yourself. It will give you the time to self reflect between visits & just do a self mental check in. I am all for reunification full time. I’d just suggest doing it slowly so you can make sure mentally you are stable!
Just spend more time with him.
I don’t think you should seek custody. Perhaps talk to dad and ask to be notified when he’s going to be gone so that you have the choice to go spend that time with him so he isn’t alone.
Why don’t you start by asking for a modification to your parenting time? More time, more responsibility etc
I’m gonna mimic everyone else, ease into more time. You’ve done the work
I would recommend seeing him as often as possible until you feel 100% ready. Because if you don’t feel like you’re 100% ready that’ll cause you more mental stress and it’s a higher chance of causing a relapse. You still need time to heal 
You are not ready yet. Speak to his dad about Easter. Work out with him some more time with your son especially if he is at work
Baby steps. As if u jump in and are not ready that will hurt both yourself and your son
You could gradually see him more often like after school maybe he can stay Friday to Sunday. See how it works out for you. That way you gradually work your way up to more time and it’s not a sudden move. Also you could kind of set a schedule with activities for you two together and some he can do alone to keep him busy. Like drawing or coloring together or playing games. Then he could have some stuff for himself too.
I would just gradually spend more time with him. Sounds like you have a decent relationship with his father so just keep working towards that end goal of more custody when you feel more secure and less anxious about your mental health. AND my inbox is always open. I too have struggled with mental health and attempted suicide.
Baby steps. Maybe more days and holidays. You yourself are unsure so gradually increase the days.
Try to get him more. Ask for holidays with him. Baby steps don’t just jump right into it to where you relapse. Your health is important.
Try more time from the dad. My ex and I split 59/50
It’s something that you need to ask your self and be REAL with yourself.
We can give you our thoughts but we dont know the extent of your anxiety, what causes relapses… and if your prone to relapses perhaps your son is better off where he is at.
And talk to his father about it… like both of you together, with a help of a neutral mediator to develop a coparenting plan that is neutral.
And ease into it… don’t over do it because it may cause more harm then good.
Good luck.
I think you should seek more visitation time first and then go from there
Ask for a modification of custody time but not have him come live with you just yet.
Maybe try asking for a Friday-Sunday every other week.
You need to build up to having more time so you don’t give yourself anxiety.
I think sharing more days with his father is a good idea or alternate weeks, etc. some sort of a shared schedule. I think its a good idea if your son understands that you both share time with your son because you both love him and want to spend time with him so you share him. I.e your son shouldn’t think any time without you is because he stresses you out. So whatever schedule you come up with its about sharing him fairly between two parents who love him 
Maybe start off slow by getting him more times throughout the week, you don’t have to go full blast by getting him full time from the jump, just add more days of the week you get him and when you get comfortable then get him full time. Don’t take on more then you can handle.
I was thinking of the same thing Elise said. How about you take him a little more often. Start with an extra day a week and work on a getting him more often. You are so brave and you know you’re not quite ready for full time. Keep on seeing your Dr and you’ll know when it’s time to start having him more often.
You can’t get overwhelmed and take on too much right now until you feel ready. Your son won’t be better off if you make steps backward with your mental health. As you said, your child is never alone or unsupervised since he has many family members living with him. So his safety is not a concern. Don’t make permanent decisions over temporary situations right now. It will take time to heal.
First I’d like to say I’m proud of you for doing what’s best for your child and yourself by getting the help you need! I think speaking with the father and adding more time would be a good start. Maybe you can have the whole weekend instead of one night? And alternating holidays, especially ones that he is going to work anyway. Take small steps towards a 50/50 schedule and see how that works for your child and yourself.
You take it slow. If you’re still experiencing anxiety over certain situations, I would suggest increasing your therapy visits to help you work through that and maybe going back on medication for the anxiety. As far as your son and ex go, maybe he can’t help the days he’s scheduled to work. You can slowly get back into having your son more. Communication is key. Sit with his father and have a conversation and come up with a plan. Move from seeing him 3 times a week to 4 times a week, then 5. Move from having him over night once a week to twice a week, then three times a week. Don’t rush it. Sounds like you love your child, but you can’t be the best mother you can be if you’re battling internal demons. It sounds like your son clings to you when he’s with you because he misses you. Find balance that works for everyone and slowly make the transition to having him back full time, or at least 50/50. You’ve got this… one day at a time.
Maybe take it slow. Ask for 50/50 and do like week on/week off. Tell dad you will take him instead of being left alone when dad is at work, etc. And if you aren’t already seeing a therapist at least once a month (you said you see the psychiatrist every few months) then please do. That way if you start feeling like you’re heading for a spiral you’ll have the support of a therapist. At least once a month. But if you do week on/week off, I’d say every two weeks would be better.
I would start with asking for more time over your house and maybe do a Friday to Sunday for a while and if you can handle that then try more time gradually. I would work up to getting him more often and not jump in to it. If one day is hard for you more days might not be a good thing right now
Professional opinion of your therapist is probably best, my opinion is NO, for the exact reasons you stated… relapse! The further removed from help you are and the more life stress you pile on usually ends up not going the way you wanted! Keep seeing him often, continue to work on managing your stress/anxiety. Sounds like he could benefit from some therapy too, or at least some REAL talk about his feelings, behavior sounds a bit abnormal (very clingy)
No, he’s got more stability where he is.
Nope you tried to end your life with him around you can’t just waltz back into his life like nothing happened doesn’t work like that
First of all, major kudos to you 
for being able to open up about about your mental health and for getting the help you need. As far as your son goes I would take baby steps. I wouldn’t go from short visits to 50/50 right away. I have two sons who I love more than life itself and I have struggled with my own mental health (ADHD, anxiety, depression, OCD) myself and so I know how overwhelming and overstimulating parenting can be. Even for those who do not struggle with their mental health. So taking baby steps will hopefully help you get to a place where you feel more stable and safe with your mental health and having your son around. Also, it’s totally up to you but I feel your son may be old enough for you to talk to him on a very basic level and just let him know (if you haven’t already had this conversation with him) that you struggle with anxiety and things and you have been and continue to work hard towards getting your mental health in a good place- but that none of that is his fault. And just try to be as active as you can whether it’s taking him somewhere after school to get his energy out for a bit, taking a walk, talking to him on the phone, etc. you do not have to have full custody or even shared custody to prove your love and commitment to him. Best of luck to you!
I hate to be the person but, things could have been alot worse , your son could have been more lonely than he already is. Everything gives me anxiety but I have to go with it, that is your child you need to step up and just figure out a way to overcome it, you’re here and it’s not just because… you’re here for that simple fact of your child needs you, visit more often, ask if you can take him more days, you don’t don’t to have full custody but talk to dad and just ask if you can have more time at your house or even visit his house more often, but make it work for you, don’t try to do too much, little by little. Good luck
Baby steps, maybe talk to dad about having him over a extra night or two a week to start out, eventually if things go well add more slowly.
I just want to say I’m proud of you for continuing to get help for yourself. Mental health is one of the hardest battles when you have little humans to care for.
How is your relationship with his dad? Could you talk to him and offer to have him more often so he isn’t alone as much? That way you aren’t jumping into something you may not be ready for, but your mind is also eased about him getting adequate interactions.
Kids do end up spending time alone as parents do work and when with child most of the days
Why not increase your access
Have him when his dad works and start there extend your weekends etc
Of course you should try! You had set a back and you took care of it now fight for your baby
You said you have him one day a week and him being around gives you anxiety, also he just wants to play and it’s exhausting…but you want more time?
Kids don’t understand holidays like we do. He probably didn’t even know it was Easter. I would take it slow. Try spending longer weekends with him.
I’d apply for 50-50.
I think, focus on yourself first and make sure you absolutely 100% ok before you take this child back and mess his routine up again. He’s had to adjust to being without you and having a new ‘home’. I think when the times right then cross that bridge. However he’s at a very crucial age in his life where he needs consistency. Unfortunately you have to put his needs before your own. Keep him put for now & his stability, maybe ask for an extra night. Don’t take on too much too soon. As sad as it is, Easter is just another day & dad has to work. I’m sure he wasn’t alone the entire time & had some fun. Luckily this little one stil has both parents. I for one am sonproud of you for speaking out & seeking help. I’m also so glad your son isn’t visiting a grave and that you were unsuccessful, just imagine how sad he wouldhave been if younsucceeded, Good luck x
Slowly increase the amount of time you spend with him. Ask that your doctor see you more often through the process so y’all can stay on top of the management of your illness. I don’t know if you’re in therapy but I highly recommend it as someone who has mental illness diagnosis as well. A therapist can help majorly in you managing your illness and realizing in time what you’re emotionally and psychologically going through.
Start off slow one day at a time . It seems you get him already but you said you have anxiety… so I would wait and continue with the time you have with him. Don’t worry about him over there you said he alone and or with grandparents. If the child isn’t complaining why change anything yet. If it bothers them ask can you go sit with him on these days and or if you feel like you can let him come to your home. But to me right now with the anxiety I wouldn’t act on it so fast
Like a lot of others have said I’d start out adding some more time!
your heart is definitely in the right place.
It sounds like until you are comfortable with saying I’M READY then you should continue with your counseling and other resources to get you mentally stronger before shifting your son around more.
BUT also it’s completely understandable to be afraid and worry about making the best choices for your child. Raising a child is difficult enough I imagine evn more while dealing with mental health, get your self strong, continue being there for your son, maybe take on a few more hours until it turns into a couple more days and eventually work up to full or shared time.
No. You stated a few times you are unsure you’re ready and having anxiety. Not healthy for him or you to be with you full time in that state.
I think he’s better off staying with his dad. You said it yourself, you’re not ready to have him full time and when he’s at your house it’s difficult for you because he wants to play every minute and it’s “exhausting and causes anxiety”. That’s spending just 1 day with him. I wouldn’t consider seeking custody until you can spend time with him without it causing you so much anxiety.
I would maybe speak with his father and if he has to work on holidays see about staying with him or taking him for the day.
Start slow. Have him at your house Fri til Sunday night for a few months. Then go to to Fri thru tues for a few months. See how it is for you and him and if it’s great then go ahead, have him back full time. If it’s too much you can back off some again. Does your son know ab ur mental issues and past?
I think your a great mom for getting help and knowing your not ready and that you very much still care. I agree with the ladies take it slow and try seeing him more until you know your ready. Maybe his situation will give you the strength to get through your battle. Prayers to you and your son I hope it all works out 
I think, just maybe have a conversation with Dad, about spending holidays with you, if he’s going to be at work. I wouldn’t try and get full custody again, unless that was in the child’s best interest, and from your lack of surety on that, I’d say it isn’t. Adults do not just sit up and entertain kids all day. If he’s loved and safe, and has a good relationship with you and Dad, leave well enough, alone.
No you should not try and get custody of him till you’re 1000% sure that you’re truly ready for him to live with you and where you don’t have anxiety being around him either. Leave him at his dads
Set up play dates for him.
Try having more communication with the father … when dad knows he’s going to be away long hours and your son is alone it sounds like it’s not a problem for you to be there so offer to go spend the evening or day with him . But than giving yourself the break to go home when dad arrives than at least your boy will have the consistent schedule of being home but also mom will be more involved and take him like now for your one on one time . From what I’m reading it sounds like an open communication with dad might work so well for you
Maybe try doing 50/50 but i would speak to your therapist first and his father. Make sure its not too much for you and work your way into full time
Great job on taking care of your mental health. You can’t take care of him if you can’t take care of yourself and it sounds like you’re doing everything you can!
As far as your son is concerned, from what you’ve said, it sounds like he’s fine where he is. There are lots of adults around and he is well provided for and he gets to see you multiple times a week and you even get a sleepover.
It may seem hard to think that he is by himself but he isn’t. He has people there. Kids also need to manage alone time themselves. Navigating boredom is healthy and a great skill.
It doesn’t sound like he’s being ignored. Contrary to popular belief, children don’t need us to provide entertainment for them every second of the day.
Keep taking care if yourself. You sound like a good mom.
When you are ready you will know
Your absolutely doing what’s best for you and your son. Don’t be down on yourself. Maybe start slow. Maybe make those Friday sleepovers Friday and Saturday sleepovers. Don’t overwhelm yourself all at once. This may sound selfish but you need to care for you first right now. You can’t care for him properly until you know you can care for you. Take comfort in knowing he’s in a safe place and you can still see him whenever you want keep up your therapy. And maybe do therapy together with your son so he can better understand your condition
Young one, you’ve already identified your concern- great job on following through all the programs and understanding your mental wellbeing. Baby steps , my dear. Maybe have a few more hours, then days. Have holidays with you if daddy has to work. Time, and patience- you got to find “you” first - before you can more on your plate. 
I just wanna say proud of you for getting help .
Just see if you can go over there maybe 3 times a week and have him at you’re house 2/3 days a week .
Just make sure you want and can handle him full time before doing full custody .
Or just do 50/50 .
And I just wanna say congrats 
on getting help.
I would wait until you are absolutely sure you are 100% ready
If he’s happy, healthy, cared for, and well adjusted why mess it up
You’re ALL doing good as is I definitely wouldn’t risk turning his life completely upsidedown with the very real possibility of you yourself not being able to handle the shift
I have Bipolar Disorder 1 been through suicide idealization, episodes and back. I have five girls under five. Two sets or twins/ 3 yr old: You can do it if you want it! Dont listen to these lame people. I Was even hospitalized for a month. I say all of this to say if you feel you are ready, ask foe continued support from your team to get your Son back. Before so, I would advise to work slowly and ease your way to see if your ready. You have to see how are you feeling when hes with you for more than one night during the time he spends the night. Are you coping, are you using your tools ect? Go that route first then come up with a plan because its going to be a hell of a fight and you will be beed to prove to them you are coping you can handle it and also financially.
Talk to your support people. Listen to the professionals.
You take care of yourself first, bc that’s the first step to helping him. Can you step up your time with him? That’ll give you a chance to get yourself right without being thrown into it, and give him more time with you. Try another night over, try seeing him more often during the week. Maybe take him out for ice cream or dinner or something. That can be fun and it’s a bit anxiety producing also.
Girl baby steps. DON’T rush into it. Gradually increase his time with you to make sure you can handle it. Can you talk to the dad about increasing your time more with him before just making such a BIG decision? My son was my reason for getting sober and attempting to get my life on track and getting my shit together… I find myself pushing me to be a better person for my baby. Keep seeking care for your mental health and do not give up on trying to be a better person for him. It can be stressful and hard at times but u most certainly can do it. I’ll be praying for you and your son❤.
Take your time! Maybe change your schedule to have him a little more often a little at a time. Steps towards full time. I’m sure his working dad would be ok with it. I wish you the best!
Work at it slow one day at a time , hope things look up for you. Glad u r getting the help u need .
I think if you are not sure than don’t do that to him or yourself. Maybe talk to the dad about your concerns and start with if dad is at work then you also have him those days.
First of all, I’m happy to hear that you are taking all the steps you can to become a healthier Mom. My opinoon - Baby steps! Instead of going for custody, how about you try taking on an extra evening each night, for dinner or a trip to the park, then try moving up to an additional night? I’ll be honest and say that I am on the other side of this, but the Mother in my case is not seeking help, and although she has phone contact only, she hasn’t even talked to my step son since December. She married a man that - due to SA allegations with other kids (his own) is on a PPO not allowing any contact to her kids until they are 18. You care, and thats obvious. Move slowly, see what works well for you and your little boy. You both are worth it.
Maybe start with instead of having him just one day ask if it’s possible to keep for the weekend. As kids were always so forgiving and looking forward to having a relationship you can’t just base it off he loves to be with u.
Trying to commit suicide isn’t just whatever, u obviously were in some sort of distress.
Don’t jump to conclusions take it easy .
If the weekend goes good u can keep on doing that.
Just take it slow on the both of you.
I would wait till you are 100% ready. Sounds like you put so much work into helping you self, don’t set yourself back. As hard as it is seeing him lonely. He is taken care of and have people around him. Would be different if he was being left home alone. Being a parent is hard, and you have to be prepared to take it all on. Until you are sure I would leave it the way it is or maybe ask for a little more time with him.
I would try to increase your visitations before your try to get custody.
If Saturdays are exhausting then you are clearly not ready for him!
Have him back!!! Life is trial n errors sounds like your errors are taken care of
Maybe just start off by asking if you can get him more often don’t stress yourself out to much and put to much on yourself so soon, you still need time
Its the best for him to stay where it is more stable…when you yourself are more stable then maybe he can slowly come to you more and more but to uproot him because you decide you want him is not fair to him…when he was already uprooted before…let him stay settled you’ve made amazing progress br proud of yourself but think abut what is best for him
Baby steps definitely start by asking/suggesting if your son can spend 1 night during the week with you try it and give yourself some time between sleep over 1 and your Friday night sleepover. Congrats on seeking help momma! You got this and it’s OK to take baby steps!
Take your time. Gets. Therapist if you don’t have one and talk to them about it. I would take it slow and continue seeing him like you do frequently. Maybe talk to his dad and see if he can spend an extra night a week with you and see how that goes.
If you aren’t sure then try doing a little test for yourself and him. On the days he will inevitably be alone, see if his father will have you take him. You have him one day a week, try gradually doing more. Figure out why you have anxiety with him. Once you get past that it should be easier. Your anxiety is likely because you doubt yourself… doing that will get you nowhere fast. Nobody has an instruction manual on motherhood. It’s okay to feel clueless
I would see about having him more often - could you maybe have him after school a couple of times and slowly build it up?
Don’t go for custody, not yet. Your mental health may become overwhelmed.
He has adults there, they probably don’t pay as MUCH attention as you because you’re trying to fit everything into a 24 hour period; they are there all day every day
First, I’m so very proud of you for getting help! I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression and I know it’s an everyday struggle.
Second, my kids make my anxiety flare a lot but I know how to handle it. Rather than taking him full time, maybe ease into it by getting extra time here and there. Sudden changes are bad for my anxiety and I would hate for it to trigger yours too. There’s no miracle cure for it, just trial and error. And remember, YOU GOT THIS MOMMA!!! 
Based on your own words, no, not at this time. I truly do understand but you have answered your own question. The previous answers make sense. Have you thought about discussing this with your therapist ? they may be able to give you a better perspective on your situation. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Why would you want to take a child out of a loving home for your own selfish needs with BS excuses? Work on yourself so you can be a good mother for your child.
Happy that you weren’t successful (much respect for you). You were honest and said that you’re not sure if you’re ready for him to come home. So I think that you should offer yourself more time to dad’s house and more spending nights together over night. Even if it’s like a hotel a couple nights. Be completely honest with dad and a support system in case there might be an issue in those couple days.
You are a lot stronger now,you love your son to bits.Ask his dad to have him a couple of nights and buid it up.It should be 50/50.You will get there it takes time.Good luck.
Maybe start with talking to his dad and asking if you could have him when he will be alone. That way, you can spend more time with him but also continue to work on you. Too much stress and change at once could trigger you.
Maybe start by asking for more time with him a week. Also maybe set some goals like 6 months out for your anxiety, emotional, things to better a life for u and ur son and see if you can achieve them
Playing by himself is not a bad thing. It helps with his imagination. If he lived with you there’s times when you won’t be able to play with him either. Like others have said try an extra day. Right now it sounds like you’re trying to entertain him. That your time is just spent playing with him. Do you incorporate learning experiences for him? Have him help with the chores he can? Of course he will want to spend more time with you if all you’re doing is being the fun mom and not making him do the harder things of everyday life.