Should married couples live apart?

So I kinda have a weird question…does anyone not live with their spouse full time? On purpose? We have been together for 20 years. Things have not been going so well. He has a job offer in another state, and I do not want to go. I don’t want to split up, but he wants to take this job and move away from us. We will not be separated or anything but we will be living apart for a while. Should married couples have their own houses?


No, not unless you want to end up separated or divorced in my opinion.


This can’t be good news :disappointed_relieved:


You’ll end up getting a divorce.


I mean, what would be the difference really, if he worked out of town and stayed in a hotel. My husband is gone up to 3 months or so at a time. We make it work. Lots of visits! I think it all depends how much y’all want to make the marriage work🤷‍♀️ Good luck! I hope it works out for y’all!


Look into living apartners

I do. We’ve been together 6 years. We’ve never lived together because I like my own space. If he loves you and you don’t want to go then living apart is exciting. You look forward to seeing eachother. Aslong as there’s trust it works. I think that’s one of the most important things in a relationship anyways xxx


Yes. If hes working there is nothing wrong in living in two different towns, states, what ever. Is he going to send you money every payday? Come visit you on his days off? If your answer is yes, go hard.

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I’ve been married ten years and probably only lived with him a total of a few years…off and on.
He just can’t be around anyone long enough at all. Slept alone over six years too. I got used to it and maybe that’s why I stayed.
But we getting divorced now.:grimacing:

Depends how far apart you will be. A few hours is doable. If it’s a plane ride to be able to visit then I think one will most likely cheat. Whether it be physical cheating or emotional.


My husband worked in a different state for a couple yrs. Gone 2 or 3 months and home for maybe 10 days. We hated it. But for financial reasons we did it. I married my husband to be around him. Not for us to apart. So glad when he came home for good. Maybe its just because I actually love my husband. I want to be around him.


Hey what works for you both is what works. I know people marries who split have their own places but are still a together but live separately. So whatever works for you is what it should be. Never be ashamed. Just be happy you could work it out and found a happy medium


It doesn’t have to be what’s normal to society. If you think this part in your relationship taking space from each other and living seperatly is where it’s supposed to be then do it. Maybe it’ll make your marriage better. Who knows :slight_smile: do what makes you happy.


I agree with do whatever makes you happy bc what works for you guys may not work for others and what works for other may not work for you guys. But I also want to add that getting married now means your are a team in the good the bad and the ugly. I am not saying move bc he wants to. I am saying it’s worth it to have a conversation with him about what you both feel. Bc that’s where your going to find an answer and solution to your questions.

Cause after 20 years maybe some space would be good and then you guys can come back with new stories and adventures?


Nope!!! If your married you should be together, if you both have different homes, just say bye bye now!!!


if u r both happy with the living apart idea do it it may help ur marriage


If it suits them :woman_shrugging:t2: I know Helena bonom carter and Tim Burton lived apart but they could really afford it

I’d hate to not live with my husband he’s my bestfriend.

My fiancé is a logger and so during logging season he’s gone on the mountain all week. Sometimes two weeks at a time depending. But I feel like if you truly trust each other and feel that you could make it work do it. But it has to be an agreement you both make


You have to do what works for you.


Marriage is not one size fits all. Do what is best for your marriage and lives.

Best of luck to you in whatever you choose.


If you trust each other I say go for it. This will give you time to think about your marriage. I work nights and my husband works days. I actually like it this way. He does not but has gotten used to it. It works out better with having the kids supervised at all times without a sitter. He calls me often with updates on what’s happening at work and I personally enjoy my time away. It works so whatever works for you


It’s about what works for you and him. That’s it. Full stop.

Actually thousands of married couples live this way, long term very successfully… military and off shore workers just for example. Actually my grandparents spent the last 20 years or so of their marriage living separately “can’t live with them, can’t live without them” kept them very much together… just separate.


I mean technically I have lived on a boat 9 months a year for the last 17 years and it works for us :man_shrugging:t2:. #oilfieldlife

My in-laws did for a couple of years due to work in different countries. It really helped them appreciate each other again.

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So he wants to cheat :joy::thinking:


It’s your marriage. If that is something you are okay with, why not? I have seen it multiple times with married people


Tim Burton and Elena Bohman Carter live in separate houses. They just could not live together. There’s many that don’t sleep in the same room together etc you just need to find what works.

I don’t think it’ll end well if you guys live apart. Him wanting to leave even if you don’t go isn’t a great sign.


Damn this is what people call marriage nowadays? Yeah some people I guess really just look at it as a piece of paper. Sure military spouses are separated for long periods but that’s because they are off working obviously you can’t bring your spouse and kids to Iraq in a middle of a war. It’s not like they actually have a home out there. I can see it now someone is going to have a side piece because they got so lonely.

IV seen this happen. The outcome hasn’t been positive. I personally do not think it’s a good idea. Prayers for ya


It can work.

But you both have to be willing to put in the effort.

It’ll basically be you guys switching to an LDR for however long he’s working/you decide you don’t want to move out there. And LDRs are successful if you do them right.

I mean hell… Us military spouses, have to live separated from our partners all the time, and it’s manageable. It sucks like hell but, you do what needs to be done.

It won’t be easy if you’re not used to being apart, but it’s manageable.

You’ll definitely need to have a talk about what you both expect. How often you’ll talk, how often you’ll visit, when you’ll make time for “dates” (Seriously, still plan special nights over Skype/Facebook/whatever you use… It makes a world of difference). and make sure boundaries and such are still understood. Not to say anything will happen, but, it’s always good to revisit the boundaries in your relationship - even if you’re living together. Making sure you’re on the same page is super important, since you won’t be seeing each other every night (Or maybe you will? We always talked every night even if it was just to say I love you and goodnight haha).

It can work, it just depends on if you two can handle it.

Communication, communication, communication. It will not work if you two aren’t talking and being completely transparent.

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Absolutely and sometimes it is what saves a marriage.


Move with him if you love him


Move with him. You never know it could be the best decision for both of you! If it doesn’t work out you can always move back :relaxed:


A friend of mine had parents that literally had separate bedrooms because one of them had an issue with snoring and the other one had restless leg syndrome and barely slept. They had been together for at least 13yrs, when I met them.
I know this is not the same as living in different cities, but it worked for them and they were affectionate with each other during the day and evening.
I think if u have trust in each other, that things should be ok.

My husband and I have talked of this. It’s definitely not ideal but it’s a good way to earn bring in a lot more money in certain instances for long term planning. It certainly wouldn’t work for every marriage.


I’m a military spouse and for the past 11 years I lived with my husband a total of … 4 years. The rest of the time he was either deployed or geographically assigned to a location that I was not allowed to accompany him or I didn’t care for. So my advice is do whatever works for you and him. Every marriage is different.


Seems like you two are just making excuses for now just to end up separating and using the long distance as an excuse as to why it’s happening. The only part in your post that stood out for me was you saying things aren’t going well. Why would either of you consider this arrangement when it’s clear you both need to be together and work on things?! The distance will make it easier to let go of the 20 years IMO. Ya’ll need to act like adults and deal with whatever is going on instead of running away from your issues, it doesn’t make things any better.


Do what works for your relationship! IMO this will go one of 2 ways…
He’ll move and it’ll make things better. You know, distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Or he moves and you live separate lives and the distance just makes it easier to be apart.
Would you be happier in either of those situations than you are right now?


Personally, I think life’s too short to spend time apart on account of a job. In the long run money doesn’t matter. It’s the memories, time spend together and experiences that matter. You should want to be with your spouse. I told my husband where ever he goes, I go.


Don’t fall into the conventional aspects of relationships. Everyone is different. You have to sit with him and analyze the pros and cons and what this decision could do for your marriage. What is the root cause of your problems? Is it money? Is it proximity? Is it chemistry? Sometimes a little distance gives you a chance to reflect and see your relationship from a different view. Some couples decide after having distance that they absolutely need to be with one another and rekindle things , so to speak. Some realize the distance only brings them further apart and it works for the beat. Do what works for your relationship. Don’t confirm to traditions and public expectations. Radical decisions sometimes are in your best interest. Speak to a marriage counselor and set some ground rules before you decide what to do is what I would advice. Good luck.


We did the last 2 yrs hubby living in another state. In Jan this yr we made the move to be with him, it’s been tough on everyone especially my teenagers who’ve struggled to readjust to having him home all the time. The move was always our plan when middle child finished yr 12… He has been doing fifofor 7yrs and i honestly loved it lol

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It’s honestly a gamble. If you’re willing to risk your marriage so you don’t have to relocate, go for it. I personally wouldn’t risk it.


Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. If you do want to go and he wants to and your both happy to do long distance, travel and visit each other and in 3-6months if you want to go be with him you can and he always come home. Just keep yourselves happy that’s all that really matters.

You see people who are in the armed forces go years apart …for some people it works …for some it don’t …you just have to find your footing on where you land in it


Every relationship is different, what works for some may not work for others.


I’ve been with my other half 6 years and we have 3 children together but we live Separately still. He comes to my house and stays a few nights then goes back home. I trust him 1000% and it works for us and we both need our own space. Saying this he doesn’t live far away he is still in the same area. Xx


Sounds like an excuse for both to separate without having to say so … only because you say things have not been going so well

I personally do not believe in long distance relationships especially if married but because I know I don’t do good … I want to have my spouse by my side and work things out together … I’ve heard it works good otherwise too so I feel like it’s more of a personal preference

Good luck


I live in Asia for work purposes and my husband lives in Africa, for almost 2 years now, our marriage has always been rocky, both of us always threatening to leave, the distance has cemented our relationship, we have grown so close and finally figured out that we want to stay married, no matter the circumstances, it has put things into perspective, all the petty fights have almost stopped…


I understand being reluctant to move, but why are you actively impeding your spouse from following their dreams?


Uh, now this is more on what you’re describing and less on do I think these things work. People who love each other immensely, it could work, it’s hard, hard AF. But sorry, from your description of your, his… Pretty sure you’re both not facing it, this is a separation… You’re just not ready to say it, admit it. I’ve done the separate homes to care for family, it’s hard, but you both have to be able to… And you can’t just tolerate each other prior, or you’ll realize how great life is without the other, or one of you will :sweat_smile:. Good luck.


I’m moving away, closer to family because of a job offer and I hate to say it but my husband and I have always had a better relationship long distance. :eyes: and we have 3 kids too so I mean it can work. Idk how long because we’ve only done 1 yr like this but it was with 2 kids then

It depends on your relationship and flexibility. It can work, but like any long distance couple you have to have dedication, flexibility, strength, and communication. My husband is on the other side of the planet, not by choice, and we are working on it. You will need to be clear on what your goals are abs what you are working towards, abs be able to work together towards it.

What’s the problem with moving for a job opportunity? That’s a pretty big factor in how things will go from this.
If it’s because you simply don’t want to and feel like being stubborn, then it may cause a rift in the relationship and make it easier to officially separate while he’s gone.

If it’s because of your career and children and such, then it may be the type of situation where “distance makes the heart grow fonder” and you two improve things.
Although, either scenario may happen regardless of your reasoning. It’s basically one big gamble on your marriage.

My fiance is coming with me for my schooling/job opportunity even though he’d love to stay where we are. My career is not possible where we live. But he’s happy to go, anyway, because it’s to be with me. Living apart is not for us, but for some it isn’t a problem. So you’ll have to see and find out as it happens.

My husband works out of town and only come home once every 2 1/2 months only for the weekend. It’s not the best but we make it work!

Well mine is a fulltime trucker for Dept. Of Defense & is gone for months at a time & comes home for 14 hours…I guess it depends on why…he lives in his truck on bases or truck stops but right now that’s how it is. He would prefer to be home & so would I. We talk all day though


My Dad builds multi-million dollar homes for a living and has for 40+ years. He’s built countless homes with completely separate master quarters for married couples. That’s a dream for me.


My husband is a trucker and is gone anywhere from 2 weeks to a month at a time. It’s hard but we focus on our communication and the time together at home. Again … not ideal by any means. It’s not a family friendly career at all but we make it work.


Where I’m from a lot of partners work away my friends husband works on a rig and isn’t home for 6 months of the year and friend of mine her husband works in another city (state) and it works for them so all I’d say is try it if you want the relationship it’ll work


You’re separating without say that you’re separating. I’m sorry if that’s sounds too BLUNT/HARSH…BUT…

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Do what works for your marriage because it’s all about the two of you

I know a lady who was a live in care taker in NY and her husband drove a truck and went home to thier GA home once a week. They got together for Holidays and did this for 5 years while they paid off bills and padded thier savings accounts. And they managed just fine.

My inlaws did it for around 10 years and it seemed to work for them

My husband use to travel for work but we lived 10 minutes from my mom and grandmother(they lived together)so I stayed there and he quit cause we got pregnant and a job at home and I still stayed with my mom and grandmother alot till the baby came and now I stay home and if we stay somewhere the 3 of us me,my husband,and our baby all 3 stays.

I know a married couple who live in the same city and only see each other on weekends.
🤷🏻 special occasions. Holidays. Ect… I guess Every one has different life styles.

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It’s really up to you and if you think your relationship could deal with it if y’all relationship is good it could work out if y’all’s relationship is rocky it still could help there to but also could go the other way and being separated for a job that’s not a bad thing every marriage is different some relationships thrive better apart and some thrive by being together only you and your spouse can really make that decision I’ve been there we didn’t live separate but he worked out of town traveled to different states all the time barely seen him I took care of my oldest daughter for years by myself and had to watch her cry for her daddy as she got older it was hard but we made it work and it brought us closer and he missed out on stuff as are daughter was growing and that hurt him so he finally got a job where he’s home every night and that works for us now and we have a almost 3 year old and now he’s trying to make up with her what he lost with the oldest but it definitely can work but you have to figure it out on your own with your husband good luck :four_leaf_clover:

Do what you want, I know a lot of married couples that do this and honestly they love it, I wish I could do it too :sweat_smile:

I talk to married couples who have arrangements like this. It’s not that uncommon in the military community

For this type of situation (job offer) and you aren’t wanting to go… I don’t see the issue with it

The thing on this POST is that "THINGS HAVEN’T BEEN GOING WELL. "

There are no rules. Whatever works for you.


Whatever works for you guys thats what matters…

Been with my hug 10yrs married almost 2… we still don’t live together. Plan on joining households soon but it works for us for now

Try it and tell us ur findings

Whatever works for you two

That’s for u to decide if your relationship can handle it. I know people that has been in 2 other states and so much in love

each to their own, ive seen married couples live like 2 houses away from eachother an their relationship is just the best.

I think married couples should do what works for them and what makes them happy and not worry about societal norms. If you feel the two of you can remain a happy couple living apart, go for it.

I’ve seen it short term, for a year contract somewhere. They had fun visiting each other on weekends. Like dating again almost.

Been there, done that. We made it work, but it’s also not something we will ever do again.

Do what works for your marriage. Don’t give a shit about what everyone else thinks. You do you.

Absence makes the heart :heart: grow fonder !!

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I’m a different breed of a woman. I am single of 12 yrs. If I had husband, this is how I would want to be. Living separated. Or one that comes home maybe every 7 months, and then goes back to work. But, like I said, I’m a different breed of the female species.

If it is a good job opportunity, why be so stubborn? Doesn’t sound like much of a partnership or marriage to me.

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I plan on doing this in the future. I actually look forward to it. I’ve always liked my space. We plan to keep a house in each State, and one in my home country (New Zealand).

I currently am. I will likely be living away from my husband in the future, too. It’s rough, but communication is key.

Wow. You sound selfish I would follow my husband to the ends of the earth. My spouse, husband, life partner comes before our kids our grandkids, extended family and anyone else.

How do you think military couples live?

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Shit, I wish I could live in a separate house :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:


My partner is military & lots of partners go to other states unaccompanied while their family stay

I couldn’t but it’s very common & 110% person circumstance

I wouldn’t say own their own houses as much as they have one house and the other lives in an apartment or condo for work OR the both own both houses. Like you could go there like it’s your own if you wanted to.

When I was 10 my mom took a job 3 hours away. We moved and we’d go to my dad’s every other weekend and he’d come to us on the opposite weekends. It’s been 20 years now and they’re still doing it.

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I say try it…one of my coworkers has been married 35 years and 15 of it they bought separate homes and still live like this today…she said he became more romantic playing dates and etc…they also had kids and raised them like that…

I don’t think its a bad thing. It will give you both time to figure things out. Give you guys time to miss eachother or who knows, maybe you’ll both meet someone else and want to mutually separate. But I do think if you do this, don’t be blind to the fact that he may enjoy it more and find happiness elsewhere. And vice versa. One of you may get hurt. I think if youre going to do that then you guys should agree to be 100% honest. If you meet someone you find yourself interested in etc. All of it.

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Trial it. If it works great. If it doesn’t t rethink!!! It may give you a brand new zest in your marriage. No couple can say that they love living with each other :100: of the time. As long as you make the effort for it to work and don’t be lazy then you may be onto a winner. Good luck x


Lol… I am laughing because you are describing almost every military spouses life. I have been with my husband for 19 years and I have probably spent about 3.5 - 4 yrs apart from him if you add up all the deployments and geographical bachelor time we had to do. At one time I lived in SC and he lived in Maine. It’s not impossible, if you work at keeping your marriage alive.


My husband and I have lived separately for 10 years because his job is 2 hours away. It has worked for us but we were already used to it because of his prior military service. I honestly prefer it because we’re not up each other’s butt all the time.:sweat_smile: