Stepson doesn't want to come to our house because it's "boring"

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. We have 4 kids from previous relationships. I have a 2 yr old girl he has 3. Girl 10 boy 12 and boy 13

Well the 13 year old boy just started telling us he doesn’t wanna come to our house every other weekend bc its boring and he hates country life. I feel so so bad for my fiance… he pays so much support a month for the kids, and his oldest has only been here 4 times in 9 months. It’s ridiculous. I told my fiance put his foot down with him this time about coming and it has escalated to the oldest saying he’s thinking about wanting his dad to sign him over!! How ridiculous is that?! Ladies, I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do to support my fiance through this. He actually just went to go for full custody and I told him I would support any decision he would make, but that I would need more help w 4 kids full time instead of just my 2 yr old. The oldest son is also saying things in text like, I don’t want to come bc now I feel like you will hurt me [just bc kids are smart asses and they know about cps and stuff] how wrong is that?! I’ve never even seen my fiance raise a hand to his kids since I’ve been with him, and hardly ever fusses at them for things, and the audacity of him pulling some shit like this is crazy to me. My fiance just got his divorced finalized in May. The other 2 kids love it with us and wish they could live with us but the oldest is giving us such a hard time, especially now throwing in things that could literally get us in trouble [even if it’s not true] just bc he’s being a brat and doesn’t wanna come. What do we do??


Talk to him… ask why he’s being like that. It’s most likely just him being a kid, would rather stay close to home so he can see friends, etc. but try to talk to him. I would tell him that ultimately it’s his choice to come over, but you guys enjoy him there. Make sure to make him feel heard and supported.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Stepson doesn't want to come to our house because it's "boring"

Putting your foot down and forcing him to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be is not okay and won’t help at all🤷🏼‍♀️

He’s 13. He’s entitled to that.

Listen to him. He doesn’t want to so ask him why. Does your husband make time for him alone? Being the oldest kid with younger siblings can be hard sometimes. Maybe he’s feeling left out.

Sit him down and speak to him like an adult.


Not to be rude but if he’s doesn’t want to come then he doesn’t want to come. He’s 13, a judge would take his wants into consideration anyway.
You will both only push him further away by taking his mum to court and putting your “foot down”
He’s not a baby anymore!

Holy emotional invalidation batman!

Honestly though, the way you talk about your stepson is EXTREMELY problematic.

You want him to want to come to your home more?

How about expressing some empathy and listening to him?

Incorporating him in the planning for activities and regular life (giving choices also gives autonomy and a sense of control)?

Not stooping to name calling a literal child???


I don’t mean this in a b*tch of a way. But you’re probably the reason he doesn’t want to stay.
Maybe sit and talk to him, actually LISTEN to what he has to say. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on him or your partner. Have your partner have some alone time with him.

Fist off child support should be paid no matter what is going on. Just because he doesn’t want to visit doesn’t mean the child doesn’t need clothing, food ect.

Second his dad should make time for him alone. When collecting the children maybe he should take the older one for something to eat, a milkshake just time for him and his dad to chat and see how he has been. Before bringing the younger 2 to visit with you both

Then make it super fun at yours for the younger 2. They will go home and talk about it maybe persuading him to come in the future.

The child being the oldest doesn’t get enough time ( just life unfortunately) then his dad has left and had a new family with you. At this point you are the uncertainty in his life. Be kind to him and eventually he will come around.


Woah. Nope. Not doing this.
I’m on the mom end of this. My ten year old is the oldest and does not want to go to his dad’s. He has a brain, and he’s a smart kid and he knows what he’s comfortable with, what he likes, and can make choices himself. I cannot force him to go somewhere he doesn’t want to be unless it’s actually required by law (like school, visitation on paper, Dr visits for vaccinations, etc.)
And if my sons step mom was talking about him like this, i sure as shit wouldn’t want him there either. Good lord.
He may be a child, but he’s a teenager, and DEFINITELY OLD ENOUGH to have his own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Man, the nerve.

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It seems to me he is having problems coping with transition. Sit him down and talk to him. Maybe talk to Mom and see if he’s acting the same with her. I’m sure he is. He needs counseling. Sounds like hes testing Dad. He needs to know where he stands in the family. God bless.


He probably knows the dad went and filed full custody . He is at the age where a judge will ask him what parent he wants to be with full time. And kids just get to an age where they want to be at home with their friends not away from everything.Like he said maybe he is bored in the country maybe let me invite a friend so he not so bored🤷


I agree with April, he very well could be having issues with coping as you did say the divorce is still fairly recent on being finalized and has only been to your home 4 times in 9 months. I would agree on needing to do therapy and not just individual therapy but also family therapy. Dealing with parents getting divorced after being together for his whole life pretty much to then not having that and dad moving on a new woman in his dads life its a lot for a kid to take in, plus 13 is officially a teen there’s a lot going on there plus with covid going on in the world its taken a toll on everyone. But individual therapy would give him the chance to speak freely alone but family therapy would be good for everyone to safely express how everyone feels about everything in a safe space. It gets easier with time I know I’ve been there and going through it again first with my own son with his transition of my fiance being in the picture he has a hard time trusting men after his dad leaving when he was little and not being consistent with his visits so a new man comes into moms life hes going to butt heads because he’s use to feeling like the man around the house. To now dealing with my step daughter and her transition a year ago to go from being with her mom to us having sole custody of her and her no longer being dads only child with us having a baby of our own a year ago as well its been a battle for things to fall into place and get back on track and for her to adjust to our structure and routines and covid definitely hasn’t helped that any.

Since the other two want to live with dad perm and the eldest doesn’t, sounds like he gets to do as he pleases with mum and mums probably in his ear. Frankly he’s a child, outside of body autonomy unless he has a job and is supporting himself he doesn’t get a say. Unless the courts say he does. He’s simply to young to know what is best for him (outside of abusive situations) and yes I have raised a well rounded, responsible, respectful 23yr who is in their final year of an apprenticeship.


I’d wager a guess that he’s really hurt still about his dad divorcing. He sounds like he might be lashing out at his dad from the hurt the separation may have caused. Sadly in your position, you’re basically the worst person ever, as it likely feels like (for him) you’re ‘replacing’ his mom. Might not be a bad idea to have his dad talk to him about that, calmly and with extreme empathy.

Perhaps making your place a little more exciting for a 13 year old wouldn’t hurt too. If he doesn’t like country life, and enjoys technology more, (games etc.) try playing them with him. Kids, even young teens enjoy when people actually ask them about their interests, it shows that you care, and you’re not so bad. Maybe ask if you take interest in his stuff, and he shows you things, you could show him things about country life too.

Best of luck


With the way you talk about a literal child it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to come over. I wouldn’t either if I had to deal with you. Talk about not even validating his emotions


He doesn’t want to come over he doesn’t have to . It’s his choice!!


TBH, the way you are talking about this child, I wouldn’t want to be around your a** either. :woman_shrugging:t4: Then you bring up the father pays so much for support, okay and??? He’s supposed to support his child. It’s sounds like you aren’t too fond of this boy and he probably knows it. :woman_facepalming:t4: He’s a 13 year old kid and maybe he’s upset about his parents divorce. Maybe he thinks you’re the cause of his parents getting a divorce. Maybe try to get him a therapist to see what’s wrong instead of talking about him like he’s the Antichrist. :woman_shrugging:t4::woman_facepalming:t4:


I hated going to my dads! Hated it! I wish my mom would’ve said I didn’t have to go. My mom made me go because she was afraid of him. If he doesn’t want to go please don’t make him.


Sounds like his mother has filled him in with his father wanting full custody abs is in his head about it. If it’s in the court order that he goes to your house every other weekend than he needs to go whether he wants to or not. Anytime he doesn’t then yall need to contact whoever since the mother isn’t following the court order


Don’t try to force him. He’s 13. He’s old enough to know where he wants to be. If he’s not happy at your house then leave him be with his mom.
I’ve never forced my son to stay at my house, or stay at hid dads because of that, aside from when he was really small. && that’s why. He may be a child but he knows where he wants to be & where he wants to spend his time. & there’s times he’s wanted to stay with his dad longer, & yeah it sucks, but he’s capable of making that decision. That boys school, friends, his life is there. I hated being made to go to dad’s when i didn’t want too. It was boring as all hell, i had no friends around, it just sucked.
Maybe he can just pick him up for a few hours and take him out instead of making him come stay over.

He’s 13 … it probably is boring for him and he’d probably rather stay in his own home and do his own thing
My son just turned 15, he’s been living with his dad the last couple years because that’s what he wanted… he hardly ever comes here, but I just go there and hang out with him for a bit every couple weeks…if we’re going away to visit his cousins he comes but he just likes his own space and doing his own thing…
Just to add…he is my only son, middle child with 4 sisters

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Just because the divorce was just finalized the parents haven’t been together clearly. A 13 year old is old enough to know the parents haven’t been together for over 2 years the divorce shouldn’t make a difference and a child threatening cps is not ok. Maybe no one agrees with how she’s talking but so because of that the father should just accept he won’t be seeing his child cause he don’t want to. The child needs to learn to communicate with his father instead of just refusing. I’ve raised 2 boys from 2 and 3 who are now teens. I can’t count how many times they would say they didn’t wanna go to their moms house and really it was just ridiculous reasons. Nothing to do boring and on. That’s not a good enough excuse and I’m the step parent. Unless his environment at his dad’s is abusive or dangerous he should go.


If he doesn’t want to be over there it’s for a reason! Respect his decision, you can’t force him. And why would he want full custody if he’s clearly not happy with you guys.


My 13 year old doesn’t go to her dads anymore either, but not because of her dad… she doesn’t like the person(s) he lives with. Which is enough for me and him not to force the issue. Her dad understands because HE LISTENED to how she felt and so did I. The offer is open at all times that she can go when she wants. She talks to him regularly and will see him one on one when she asks. The issue it sounds like is more on the parental side… maybe a hit to the ego that the child doesn’t want to come around. And a battle of feeling in control. And even if dad didnt see the kids at all, child support would still be paid. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to LISTEN TO THEIR VALID FEELINGS. And work with them as a team. This is when co-parenting should be working… parents on all sides need to put aside their feelings towards eachother and work together for the kids sake. After all the kids didn’t choose the divorce, the parents put them in this position. And at 13 he’s gonna have huge thoughts and feelings about it. I think parents forget sometimes that the divorce doesn’t just disrupt the adults lives, but it completely destroys the kids routines and feelings of security.

If you go to court, at 14 by law he can choose who he wants to live with. If you force him to go, chances are he’ll resent you all and at 14 choose to leave anyway and then the chances of a working relationship will be gone.


My man has the same issues with his kids unfortunately… Following

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He’s 13!! If he doesn’t want to come over then that’s that. The more you try and force they more you will push him away. What’s your reason behind going for custody? Are they being abused or neglected by their mother? If not, why would you go for custody and remove 3 children away from their mum? And then wonder why the 13 year old has so much hate towards you??
Seriously, have a word with yourself. Leave them be with their mum! The younger ones will have more boundaries at home with mum so coming to yours will probably be more fun then day to day life with mum! They are children and don’t understand the seriousness of saying that. Enjoy seeing them every other weekend and try and be supportive towards the 13 year old instead of pushing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.


#1 in most states child support and visitation are separate #2 why doesn’t he try taking him out and doing things with him instead of making him come to the house and be bored I used to be that girl who went from the city to the country and it is boring #3 we are definitely not getting the full picture here if he’s going for full custody there’s more than the kids not visiting going on because that’s not a reason to go get full custody and forcing a child especially at 13 14 15 years old to do visitation and what not it’s going to cause them to resent their dad and they’re not going to want anything to do with their dad as they get older


Sounds like you need to do a full on background check…seriously…So often abusers will ‘move on’ placing the demise of the previous relationship on the former spouse…
He wants FULL custody to avoid paying child support. If YOU as the ‘step parent’ would need MORE help in the household IF the child did come to live there full time is a huge red flag,indicating that he may not be doing enough NOW within the household…
Get a background check done…Seek out exes,former friends, colleagues, even people he ‘doesn’t talk to anymore’
There are so many situations where abusers don’t actually start abusing until years into the relationship…
Child may be trying to tell YOU something that the fiance hasn’t, such as former CPS involvement.

I know a man who blatantly painted this picture that his Ex wife was keeping the kids from him.Truth be told he Never got a divorce. Despite being separated for over a decade he won’t give her a divorce out of spite…As for the children…There was a visitation order granted.children had access to father…The FATHER stopped being available when the Wife decided SHE no longer wanted to accompany the children to said visit…hence visitation order had to be a supervised visit…Oh yeah…and a lifetime restraining order was granted to the WIFE…one that she didn’t even request but was granted by the judge based on her testimony and HIS behavior in the courtroom…


First off child support is irrelevant to visitation
Secondly he’s 13, if he doesn’t want to go don’t force him, he’ll just resent both of you
Thirdly he is old enough to choose in court who he wants to live with

Side note…why would you need help for 4 kids, especially older ones?


Sorry but from the mother’s side I tried my hardest to get my 12 year old to go to his dads it was only for a couple of hours but he refused and at that age you can’t make them my other two happily went they are 6&9 he will just resent his dad if he’s forced is their stuff for him to do at yours ie computer, internet because if he’s anything like my son that’s all they are bothered about at that age


Aren’t you a peach! You want to force him to be somewhere he’s miserable because his dad pays child support and you call him the brat? He’s a human being not a commodity your husband has paid for. Most kids think homes boring at that age and rather hang with their mates or it could be like others have said, he’s hurting and feels he’s losing his dad. Have either of you asked him, without accusations, what he thinks and feels? Probably not because only yours and your husband’s are valid, right? :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:


Which state are you guys in where a 13 year old gets to make the choice ? In my state they will only take their opinion into consideration at 16.


After reading this bs I wouldn’t wanna come over either :woozy_face:


Make it fun for him and buy him a playstation for him to have a few hours a day to play, also I think its abit harsh trying to get full custody as you cnt just want to take kids away from their mother, it’s not on dont do that, the kids will grow up and hate you for it


I wouldn’t force him. Just explain signing rights over just means less child support. It won’t change the fact he’s still his dad and will always love him. No signature can change that.


If he doesn’t want to come , as hard as it is, don’t force him, he will make the whole time miserable for everyone. Just sit him down and let him know how you love him and always will, will always be there for him, and that you understand it might be boring for a teenager, but that your door is always open and whenever he decides he want to visit he can. Remember, he’s 13, teenagers are very difficult.


I’m only here to say that child support has nothing to do with visitation.
Just because you feel your fiancé, (whom you’ve only been with for two years yourself), “pays so much money” in child support, doesn’t automatically obligate the child to go stay at his fathers house. He’s not paying for the child’s time. He’s paying his portion of the responsibilities/necessities for their children’s needs.


He’s old enough to decide for himself. Coming from a foster child who was asked which parent i wanted to go home w after they gave me back. My mom is a wonderful hardworking person and defended us against a caseworker (who was fired after my case) and they took us bc my mom had "anger issues":roll_eyes: my “father” has been written off as my father and my moms husband is adopting me legally since I’m an adult and can choose that without parental consent. Let him stay home. He’s probably emotional bc you’re now in the picture and he wants his family back. I myself along w so many of my friends had been through the same stage. He’s probably hormonal at 13 which makes it worse when it comes to outbursts and honestly the way you talk about him makes it seem like he’s the redheaded stepchild that takes the brunt end of fighting and in between emotional people and his mom must comfort him. I really hope you learn some manners and respect for that child and his mother bc no matter what, as long as you’re w his dad, you’re stuck w his mom too and why not make the best of it? Let him be his own person. Let him have emotions without being labelled a brat. You cannot tell me you’ve never been emotional and had outbursts, but since he’s a child, its a problem? Nah gtfoh. I wouldn’t want to be around you either, and there’s obviously something you or his father’s doing for him to go to the extremes so he doesn’t have to go. I think CPS should investigate​:v:


Children are human beings, not property. Listen to what he wants, and respect it. Or attempt to change whatever you’re doing wrong. If he’s bored make things interesting. His visits are not solely for his father, but for him as well.


The oldest one doesn’t want to come, so instead you try and force him to come by going for full custody, rather than try and enncourage him and rebuild the relationship.

Makes total sense.


I’d give him something to complain about like chores and no internet or tech.


Let him stay home and spend one on one time with him where he lives. He is a teenager. Let him plan the day.


I’m terrible with explaining things but I know for a fact your man needs to remain strong and consistent. Even if it’s boring, your fiancé needs to tell him he’s loved and wanted and won’t be given up on just because he’s going through older child growth. Tell the son to give you ideas and suggestions on what would make things easier coming over. Just please please don’t let him get away with not coming over. I assure you the child needs his dad time.


Trust that if strangers on the internet can read how you feel about this kid, he definitely can. There’s a reason he doesn’t want to be there. And the amount of time he spends with his kids doesn’t negate the fact that he should pay his fair share of support.


Sounds like someone is putting things in his head like his mother


I think it’s time for counseling


Don’t force it, lay low. Let him stay with his mom, this will pass, and with a bit more maturity and another year older he may come to realize he misses his dad. His mom may be filling his head with things. The more you force visitation the bigger it will blow up in your faces.


Don’t force him to come over and see if he comes around. It’s unfortunate but if you try force it more he’ll just resent you. Also child support doesn’t have much to do with visitation.


The worse thing you can do is force them. They’ll resent you for that.


It sounds to me like his mum is saying things to him but at 13 everything is boring


There is way more going on here than is being told.
Yes his 13 and yes his rebelling let him stay at mums and have the other kids come as usual, he will realise pretty quickly what his missing out on. Keep the lines of communication open. As for child support suck it up its part of being with a man who has kids,either get on board or pack your bags and find someone who doesn’t have kids

Maybe he is just angry about the whole situation, maybe the divorce and in May, and now suddenly a new family is alot for him. His Dad needs to talk to him and really figure out whats going on.


I’m going to go out on a limb and say the problem is in fact YOU. The sheer disrespect towards that child in this post is disgusting. Yet u have the audacity to call him your stepson?? Sorry but unless you married his dad you are not his stepmum you are his dad’s partner!! By your post alone you wouldn’t deserve the stepmum title even if u were married. Completely selfish to put all this on a 13 year old child who probably is suffering himself with his parents not being together. Try some compassion instead of 1. Trying to force him to live with u and taking him from his mother and 2. Posting on a group page where anyone with an ounce of common sense can tell a mile off that you just don’t like this boy… Leave him be. Or let dad have some time alone with him away from you.


Rewind… you’re engaged but divorce in may & you have a 2 yr old? No wonder he doesn’t want to go to your house moving too fast & plus teens like to be where their friends are & they’re comfortable


You sure it’s not the mom on the phone since it threw text :dizzy_face:


Maybe the boy just wants to spend time with his friends instead of having to go where he is bored. He is 13 and they will get bored in the country especially if they are not raised in it. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to watch the relationship that tore his family apart whether you started dating him before he left his mother or not.


His a teenager and they will argue over a drop of water , maybe he is board and he want to stay with his mates ,maybe try inviting his mates, don’t take it to heart as you said ,his a smart arse as all teenager, don’t sign him over,but tell him he doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want to ,but kept in touch on phone or face time , teenagers love you but as long as your not sick or they don’t need anything money,they know your ok and that’s all that matters to them , Don’t worry ad long as he is shown his love and wanted ,he will come around ,just don’t give up on him

He is a teenager he wants to be where his friends are I see nothing wrong with his behavior. However it is wrong to force visitation all you are asking for is for him to act out. He express what he felt respect it.


First of all, 13 is SUCH a crucial age. Be kind to him. He feels like he just lost his whole family, he’s hitting puberty with crazy hormones, is in Middle School—remember how awful that was and trying to fit in? And he’s got weird growth spurts or not—and he’s embarrassed about that, his voice is changing & he’s probably getting erections he doesn’t know what to do with. And now his dad has this whole new family where he feels he doesn’t fit in. This is also the age where they decide to smoke, drink, or use drugs, and make friends who can have either a positive or negative influence on them, so it’s a minefield.

How is he different from his 12-year-old brother who’s only one year behind him? Do they get along? How about his relationship with his sister? As the oldest he feels the most responsible for everything, his parents cut their teeth raising him so were probably more relaxed with the other two. The oldest child takes the brunt of everything so he is likely more high strung and more stressed than the others.

Does he feel like everyone has abandoned his mom and he’s the only one protecting and supporting her and that it’s his job to be the “man of the house” for her? Does he see you as the one who broke up his family? I’ll bet he’s caught his mom crying when she thought he couldn’t hear and feels awful that she’s sad, alone, and probably struggling. Does he blame his dad for moving on so quickly? Can you befriend the mom or are things still too raw? Does the mom feel you took her husband and broke up her family?

Please get the boy therapy. Clearly his emotions are too much for him. Life is horrid and confusing at 13 even without having divorce and a new stepmom and sibling all at once on top of it all, and adjusting to a whole other house and town. And check on the 10 and 12-year olds too. They’re probably not alright either.

How about asking him what would make it more exciting at your place? Definitely ask him to invite one or more friends and make it fun for them with their own space with pizza and sodas. Video game set up? Karaoke? Movies the younger kids aren’t allowed to see yet? Trips to town? Excursions?

How about trips just he & his dad do, like white water rafting, water parks, camping, boat biking, hiking, zip lining, horseback riding, ice skating, meals out, etc.

And how about outings with just him and you so you can have fun together and get to know each other too, and see if you have anything in common. What were your middle school years like? What were your hopes and dreams for the future? What was sad or traumatic or difficult in your life growing up? Find ways to commiserate with him and try to understand what he’s going through. Listen a lot, but sometimes just being alone together is enough.

Don’t pick movies where you don’t talk unless you’re going to discuss them before and after, but something like bowling where you can converse, a carnival or county fair. Or do something fun you can talk about before and after, like a rock concert or even a play (even if you’re in podunk, surely the high school or neighborhood players puts on at least one production), then take him out for dinner or ice cream before or after and ask him questions about how he liked it, which musician or actor stood out, what he liked or didn’t like, how he thought they handled any special effects, what he thought the playwright or lyricist was trying to say, and then listen. Your job right now is to listen way more than talk.

Is dinner time chaos or can y’all converse? Ask him what he thinks of different politicians, religions, climate change, abortion, war, the future of energy, what would make better town/city planning sense, what he would change about school, what he thinks the future will bring, what changes AI will create. Everyone should get a chance to voice their opinion and no one should be told they are wrong, but others can ask respectful questions. Engaging him in the issues of the day and valuing his opinion and teaching how to have a respectful discussion will make him feel valued and he might enjoy the back and forth as equals. Plus it teaches critical thinking, debate, and engages kids with the wider world.

Some of these activities you could do as a family, but he really needs some one-on-one time with his dad. Dad should also be having ongoing talks about puberty, how to be a man, how to treat a woman, empathy, compassion, consent, shaving, hygiene if not already broached years earlier, more detail about the birds & the bees & protection, kindness, etc. Dad should also be open to answering questions about his marriage and divorce. And I would hope you’d make him feel comfortable about asking you questions about women and girls, but don’t initiate anything without talking to his parents first.

What do other teens do for excitement where you live? Are there clubs or youth groups (maybe at church) he could join to make new friends? Or how about doing a murder mystery where everyone gets a part? Or planting a garden. If you put in bulbs this fall, he may want to see them come up in the spring. Also, if he hasn’t helped with his brother and sister, have him help you with the baby and learn to take care of and entertain her. If she shows love to him, he might soften a bit. Let all the older kids know she looks up to them as her big siblings and that you know they’ll all be good examples for her. DON’T make the oldest babysit her for more than 30 minutes and don’t insist he play with her or take her places. Let their relationship progress organically with your encouragement.

Can you both teach him to cook, sew, work on a car, or do household tasks? Don’t dump chores on him, just make it fun and be sure he learns how to take care of himself before he finishes high school. What chores does he do at his mom’s house? What do you both know lots about? Can you teach him some cool stuff about what each of you is good at? Russian Lit? Chess? Dinosaurs? Silly songs? Jump rope? Magic tricks? Physics? Art? Volcanoes? Old dance moves? Livestock? Piano?

Does he play music? Can you get him guitar lessons or singing lessons? Or if he has an instrument, invite him to bring it and give y’all a private concert. Have the rest of the family set up a performance area, lighting & create programs. Invite the neighbors.

Also be sure he has a place he can go to get away from everything like a basement, den, treehouse, wherever he can shut the door & get away from everyone for a few hours. Is it safe to bike where you live? Riding my bike was my getaway, my sanity, my freedom, my stress reliever when I was young, and it concurrently kept me in shape. Are there parks or woods he can walk in?

Would he want to join a running group or stream cleanup group, or soccer team or Boy Scout troop or some other activity that would give him a connection to your area? Do you have a pet?

Read up on good ways to raise teenagers as you will have four of them eventually. The “How to Listen So Kids will Talk & Talk So Kids Will Listen” books & the love languages books are helpful too. Teens will pull away, withhold affection, make stupid decisions and tell you they hate you and that’s perfectly normal, so don’t take it personally. They are learning to be more independent, so let the kids handle as much as they’re capable of—or even just a little more—and safe doing.

Good luck! I’ll bet once you get to know your teenager better you’ll like each other lots more. At this point he’s pretty distraught so you’ll have to make most of the effort. But if you do, he’ll come around eventually. Good luck!

Divorce is a lot to process for kids. Especially 11-14 year olds. It’s a phase. It won’t last forever. Forcing him to come isn’t gonna do anything, it’ll only make things worse. Let him be, he’ll eventually come around. Plan fun things to do with them when they’re with you, give him something to look forward to. Divorce is as hard on the kids as it’s hard on the parents.


I think we all need to remember what hormones are doing to a 13 year old boy.

Mine is just about that age, I’m fully aware and have tried to prepare myself for the day he says “I rather go live with my dad!” Because one day he won’t like my rules etc. I’ve reassured him I will always love and support his decision if that means he wants more time with his dad I’ll allow it, as long as it’s a safe and healthy environment. :woman_shrugging:

He will naturally go where he feels safest and loved. It doesn’t matter who pays child support etc. to him.


I can tell you as a child of divorce ANd as a step mother.

I am sure that going to dads house IS boring. As a teen, you want your stuff, it’s hard to take everything back & forth for 2 nights. I’m not sure how far away from “home” they live, for me is was 3 hours, so going to visit meant missed parties, sleep overs etc. but I went and got to spend time with my family and if I didn’t , it WAS boring. So as for the boring. Maybe get the teen his own room/space, with the things that he enjoys at your house. (Game system/computer).

If the divorce is just now final, and you don’t mind my asking, if the father had an affair? Because that would make this situation somewhat understandable, he will view the step mom as the person who broke up his happy home, even though the relationship was already messed up. Kids don’t see the whole picture, and I get that, but they are you g and don’t understand that.

Also. When they teen is there, try to do a family game night, or something fun, allow the teen to help plan, teens tend to think those things are cheesy, BUT deep down they enjoy having family fun, because that is just that fun!

Most of all be patient.

Also, teens can often feel guilty because they are leaving the other parent. Is mom being left home alone, or has she moved on? He may feel like she will be lonely. And then, he might feel guilty that he secretly enjoys visiting with dad. That was a problem I had. It was often boring, and I was so glad sometimes to get back home to my friends and my stuff. And then I felt guilty, because I didn’t want to feel that way.


Sometimes divorce has effects on children and getting into a new relationship
Can also effect how a child feels about the whole thing of divorce,
Give him time to heal let him know that he’s loved and it’s not his fault for his parents divorce.
You actually have no say so of what his dad chooses to do. You have to step back and let your fiance deal with his son.
The son hurting and he needs to feel wanted and his parents need to assure him it’s not his and his siblings fault and you need to not interfere with your fiance discussions with his kids until you become his wife.
Your relationship can also effect the son. Let him not come every other weekend
He’ll miss his dad and come around but need to step back concerning his kids. You could be making things worse for Father and son. If it’s mom is texting and talking in his ears it will come out in the wash but you can’t interfere
Let your fiance talk to his son to straighten
What is causing him to feel that way. You are not his wife yet and you have to step back and let Dad and son work it out between them.

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Honestly let him come when he wants to, the more you push the more he will avoid it, maybe dad can just spend some time with him from time to time instead of staying all weekend? It’s normal as the kids get older, they have there own life and friends


Yall need to stop forcing this kid to go to your house. I understand that it’s not ideal but he WILL rebel and cause problems. He is 13…hes entering his independent bratty teen years. Has your husband ever thought about having one on one time with him? they can go go kart racing, ball cages, paint balling, laser tag etc.

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Think hes just being a teenager.Just send him texts saying you would never as he knows lay hands on him.But make sure you tell him he is growing into a young man and is old enough to make his own decisions and although it breaks your heart NOT to see him you will reluctantly go with his wishes.Make sure you let him know he is always a part of your family and hope they will come to visit as often as he likes.Its hurtful but normal .He needs to know you will be there for him no matter what he does.xx


Does he play with them?

His 13 his at the age where he wants to be in town with his friends not stuck in the country … when I was 13 loving in the country was the worst thing ever … he can’t just get up and go his depending on lifts and what not … u went for full custody but yet the ink isn’t dry on there devorce I think u need to re read what u posted cus even tho ur trying ur best in this post it’s like u just don’t like the child when in fact I don’t think u actually know the child well enough to judge him u said urself ye seen him 4 times in 9 months … and even tho ur 2 year could be the best ever most teenagers hate them … other side of this is … the boy could be attention seeking purely because he doesn’t know where to turn


When my husband and I got married we each had 4 kids. Him age 17 down to 8 and me age 17 down to 12. We both had a crappy first marriage but we tried to blend all of us the best we could. Teenagers are not very accepting of that kind of change. At times they put us through hell but we kept trying and thank God we got through it without a divorce. Kids will play you at times but keep up the fight to make it work. We both had problems with our ex’s trying to make it hard on us. Maybe you are not cut out to be a step mom. Teen years are hard anyway.

Maybe dad needs to spend someone on one time with him. Figure out how he’s feeling.

Just give it time. He’s 13… That’s kinda what 13 year old boys do. It’s a phase.

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Your partner paying child support is irrelevant. They are his kids, he should pay for them. The kid is 13 years old, you cant force him to do something he doesnt want to do. Hes just experienced a divorce, a new family and adapting to a new routine staying in the country away from what hes used to. Give him a break.


Preteens are a warm up for teenagers has he tried to ask what would make it better

Have his dad go to him to spend time with him. Quality time. He’s probably acting out because of all the changes. He’s also a teenager, forcing him to get your way is only going to make things worse. He may also need counseling with his dad.


He is being a teenager maybe sit him down and ask him what he wants to do for fun with you guys and make a compromise with him


I agree with Jane Murray . Let him know he’s always wanted and loved by the two of you . He will come around . He’s a teenager .

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Just because he doesn’t want to come over to the house doesn’t make him a brat. What a horrible thing to say about a child. You say you want the kid to stay there so he can be with his dad but then you go on to call him a brat? What the hell is wrong with you. The kid probably doesn’t like you. I wouldn’t like you either if I was him. He doesn’t have to come over and visit if he doesn’t want to. Leave him be, he’s not your kid.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Stepson doesn't want to come to our house because it's "boring"

I was this child. I was the kid who didn’t wanna go to a certain parents place. Do not force them. It won’t end up in your favour. It will Sour the relationship.


He’s 13. He’s a teenager. This happens regardless of parents being together or seperate . They find their friends are more interesting regardless of what cool stuff you try to do. Don’t force it as that’ll make it worse. Just still offer occasionally and try and still show you care.


Speaking as someone who grew up in the countryside: it is boring. Especially when you get to 13 because all the things you enjoy and are instinctively driven to do - meet new people, explore new places, try new things - at that age are almost impossible to do in rural areas where there’s often a long distance to social centres and no easy transport. Little kids enjoy it because they can play and get muddy. Adults enjoy it because it’s quiet and private. Teenagers despise it because it’s isolating and unstimulating and being unable to understand his perspective is probably what is causing conflict between you.


If he doesn’t want to come, you can’t force him. He’s 13. Plenty old enough to make a decision. Yes it’s hard but as the adults you have to respect his choices. In a couple of months he may decide he wants to come again, then he should be welcomed as if he’s been there all the time. It is very difficult for kids to go through these situations and they want some control in their lives as well.

Enjoy the time with the other kids. If he realises that you are respecting his decisions and not trying to force him to come he will begin to understand that you do genuinely want to spend time with him.

Yes it is possible that their other parent is saying something in his ear, however he’s also 13 and that’s a lot of hormones and emotions to deal with.


As a rural kid, it can be extremely boring.

I would try asking what 13 would like to do when he’s over for the weekend? Whether its a games console, a friend coming for the weekend, teen friendly activities in the nearest town.


It’s completely normal the way he’s acting… maybe try to make more exciting plans for when he is there? Or does he have all his favourite things at his dads too like a gaming device etc? 13 is such an awful age for most kids especially ones that have just gone through a break up. Having a bad attitude about the kid will make things worse I promise you. You need to understand what he’s going through. Maybe let him not come a couple times and he will miss his dad and come back x


Does he do thinks with his dad on his own as in son & dad time or do you all go to the same place ect ? That maybe what he wants to spend time with his dad on his own ?.. i wouldnt push it though maybe he just wants to spend time with his friends on weekends

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As horrible as it is, his mother might be poisoning him against his dad. Sad but does happen. It happened to a good friend of mine. He finally got full custody of all 3 of his kids and the mum buggered off to Oz and started another family.

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Forcing him will make him resent his dad at 13 he probably likes seeing his friends at weekends why don’t you try going to see him for days out and things and rebuild the relationship slowly don’t force him to stay somewhere he doesn’t want to be

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I wouldn’t take it personally. My step son turns 13 in November and is exactly the same. We used to have him over every weekend but recently cut down to every other weekend so he gets the best of both sides.

Honestly when I was 14 I wanted to stay at home just so I could see my ‘boyfriend’ over going with my family to Egypt. Obviously my mum dragged me along on holiday, but looking back now it’s like wow I would do anything to go on holiday right now! But teens are a different breed :joy: maybe suggest inviting one of his mates over for an afternoon one weekend you have them and going to do something they both enjoy? (Climbing/go karting/paintball/archery/setting up team games in your garden or down the park….?)

This is perfectly normal for a lad of his age. But forcing him to come and getting angry with him for not wanting to will make it 10 times worse and he’ll want to come even less. Maybe just call his bluff and say ok when he doesn’t want to come. Give it a few weeks and he’ll probably miss you both. Maybe also plan some exciting things for when he visits. But at the same time, don’t spoil him so he gets to the point where he only wants to come if he’s being taken somewhere exciting and having money spent on him. He’s old enough to make his own choices about if he wants to see someone, he can’t be forced. But if your fiancé is a good dad and loves and looks after his kids, it’ll only be a matter of time until the teenager sees that and starts to appreciate it x

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My 13 year old stepson was the exact same. We didn’t see him for 5 month coz at our house there are rules and he didn’t like not being able to have unlimited computer time :roll_eyes:
He then decided that he didn’t want to come. As much as it broke my partners heart and our 6 year old sons, my partner just went along with it. Told him at 13 he’s able to make his own choice and that door was always open when he decided he wanted to come back. As harsh as it sounded my partner never begged for him to come visit coz that’s what he wanted, he wanted us to suffer coz he was pissed off with lack of computers. We always made sure we kept in contact with him though and like I say 5 mo the later he made the decision from his own back to come back on weekends.

He might feel upset that his mum and dad arent together anymore and his dad now has more children woth a woman he doesnt know he is at an age where emotions are all over the place unfortunately i would say respect his wish and just see the other 2 he will soon get jelous and want to join in again dont forget puberty is starting around this time and its complicated for him give him time im sure he will come round. My daughters 11 puberty hit at 9 and it was the most hardest few months for us both i didnt know what to do for her and she didnt know what was happening. Everything will work out he will see his younger siblings having fun and wont want to miss it xx


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Stepson doesn't want to come to our house because it's "boring"

You’re making a lot of assumptions. It sounds like this teen is still processing a lot. In a couple years his parents got divorced, his dad gained a new soon to be wife, and they added a sibling. That’s a lot. Be patient. Stop forcing him to come. And, why mention what your fiancé pays in child support? It’s irrelevant. You kind of sound like the brat here. :woman_shrugging:

  1. Why are you involved in this decision? This is not your child, or your business.
  2. He’s just been through life upheaval. Give him a break.
  3. If kid appeals it in court, Judge will let him decide. So it’s in hubby’s best interest to take son for a comfortable, fun sit down and just ask him what would be acceptable to him. Let him know he’s dying to see him every day, but if once or twice a month is what he (kid) wants, then to let Dad know and hr can work that out with Mom. It’ll maybe break dads heart, but it’s important for kid to feel some control.
  4. Maybe kid doesn’t like you. Make sure he sees his Dad without you or your kids around. They need time alone together at this age anyway.
    Stay out of it.
    (I was in your place, so I get it, but you’re making your husband look like a pathetic loser, incapable of handling his kids. Stop it. Let him help his son decide what is needed. And don’t be aloof or snotty about it when you have to make room for his kid.)

Forcing the son into fulltime custody is only going to make things worse. Y’all should be focused on supporting him, even if it means seeing him less, instead of worrying about your husband’s feelings. Y’all are adults. His son is still growing, and your reactions to his feelings will impact him for the rest of his life.


Uhhh all you moms sound bitter as fuck about something. This dad has rights to see his son and saying they should just get over it and not try to have a relationship with him because he’s a teenager is honestly fucked up. We obviously don’t know all the details in why the kid doesn’t wanna go there but if you were all in that situation as the mother I’m sure it wouldn’t fly with you…smh.


Aahhh teenage hormones, basically leave him be if he is going to behave in that way. Keep the extended invites out to him so at least he can feel ‘included’ even if he decides he doesn’t want to come. Just focus on having a nice time with the other 2 that DO want to come round and as the years pass and he starts to become a young man, he will soon see he was being a brat but that the door was always left open for him and he was included in all the invites etc.


You’ve been together for 2 years & the divorce was only finalized in May? Is your relationship the cause of the divorce? If it is, I don’t blame him for not wanting to have weekend visits :woman_shrugging:t3:


Don’t know why you felt the need to mention him paying each month because that’s irrelevant :woman_shrugging:
And at 13 the boy has got a voice and opinions and if he doesn’t want to come there’s not much point forcing him!
You don’t sound very welcoming or pleasant about him so maybe that’s the reason !