Surprise! I'm Pregnant... And I Don't Know Who the Father Is: Advice?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"Guys, I need advice, and I’m kinda ashamed…

I was on Mirena. It got moved, and I didn’t realize it. Now I’m pregnant, not sure who the dad is. (It’s between my kid’s dad — we’ve been apart over a year just hooked up after he got out of jail — and a coworker.)

I’m terrified, not sure if I should tell either, or just say IDK who the dad is and leave it at that??? Help!!"

RELATED QUESTION: Can he legally order a paternity test?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“Been there. Be honest. Tell them both. Do DNA when the baby is born. Nobody can fault you for being honest.”

“I also went through not knowing and told both it was a possibility. My husband (then boyfriend on and off) decided he was going to be a dad to him either way, while the other possibility decided he wanted nothing to do with him either way. We eventually did a DNA test at 2 years and he is biologically (my husbands) but we weren’t 100% til then. Just like we have choices so do they, but make sure they both know so they can decide what they want. Hope everything turns out well!!! And congratulations!!!”

“Put your big girl pants on and tell both, each has a right to know they might be a dad and the kid has a right too.”

“Tell em both. You’re grown and so are they!”

“Be straight up with both of them. It’s an honest mistake! Plenty of people have sex with multiple people in a short period when they are single it’s totally not something to be ashamed of!”

“Be honest and tell both of them… No judgment… but just because you’re on birth control you still have to take precautions with whom you have sex with… You could have contracted a sti or something… You wanna sleep around… Go right on ahead lol but just take care of yourself and protect yourself from everything.”

“Be honest from the start. It’s scary but it’s honestly the easiest way to go for everyone.”

“I think you can do DNA testing through your blood test at 10 weeks, so it’s completely safe for the baby. I would say test it compared to one of your kid’s DNA to see if they are related. then tell the other person once you have the results.”

“I’ve never been in this situation but I see no reason to be ashamed. Just be honest with them both & take a paternity test after the baby is born. Hugs & prayers, mama.”

“I’d be honest about it. It’s not your fault, you used BC it just happened to fail.”

“No matter what enjoy your pregnancy! I went through this. Was honest and open, they did a test and I ended up being right anyways but we made sure! Just don’t let anyone ruin it for you with the opinions!”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

57 Likes
2

Honey just be honest let them know its a possibility and then do a DNA test when the baby is born. They may or may not surprise you by understanding. This happened to me once. It doesn’t make you a bad person. In my own situation the 1 that was the most understanding and stood by my child’s side ended up being the 1 that was 99.998% the father. Good luck to you.

24 Likes
3

Don’t be ashamed. You’re an adult, you’re single and it’s your choice who you sleep with. It’s not unusual to sleep with 2 people close together, a lot of people just don’t admit it. I know you didn’t say if you’re keeping the baby or not, but if you choose not to I hope you know that’s okay, we don’t know your situation and no one should judge you for that. You were using contraception and unfortunately it failed. Definitely get a DNA test done either now or when baby is born. Either way, congratulations :tada:

35 Likes
4

Being honest with them is the best thing. That way no one can cause any issues later by saying “they didn’t know” or “you didn’t tell me.” And you should definitely not be embarrassed. You had birth control, you were trying to keep yourself safe.

21 Likes
5

Be honest. Whoever the dad is deserves to know. plain and simple. It might be emotionally tough, you are ashamed, ok… but don’t leave it at that. Make an effort to find out who the dad is and make it work. It happened, you can’t change that… Now this is where you are.

2 Likes
6

It’s not like you cheated. Yes a bit embarrassing, but none the less yiu can’t let your feelings deny a child a father or a father a child. That would be selfish and that goes out the window after you have children. Talk to them both so they know upfront. Yiubsaud one was a coworker and another fwther of your kids? So do you plan on never seeing them? They will see you pregnant.aso in long run you will want to know too.

10 Likes
7

Been there, things happen. Just tell them both this what happened and once your able to get DNA done you will let them know. I was dating two guys that worked for me different times (so bad) but was so confused emotionally. Got pregnant during going back to my sons daddy. DNA and done.

10 Likes
8

Do DNA & let the one you like the least. If he isn’t the dad then you will know. Just logic. Good luck …

9 Likes
9

Don’t be ashamed… ever seen The Maury Show.??? He is never lacking participants. More common than you think. Just be honest and have them take a paternity test once baby is born. Good luck.

10

Number 1, don’t be ashamed. Number 2, I think you should be honest. It is going to hurt someone when if it comes out the other is the father

33 Likes
11

Sweetheart there is nothing to be embarrassed about having more than 1 sexual partner. The best thing you can do for you and your child though is to sit down and be up front with all parties. Let them know that you will be requesting DNA testing from both of them and give them the opportunity to be a part of this child’s life.

17 Likes
12

Don’t be ashamed accidents happen own it a baby is a blessing. But be honest give the dads a heads up so they can be prepared tell them straight out what happened and wait till you can found out who it is. But always be honest and straight forward then it falls on them but don’t hide it then you look guilty and will be in the wrong.

4 Likes
13

Be honest with both because they both can be involved throughout your pregnancy with the knowing assumption one may not be the father would it be more hurtful to never know when you were pregnant accidents happen you were not committed to either man so do not be ashamed

1 Like
14

Personally… I would pick the guy with the job - unless the guy who just got out of jail is an amazing father who has always taken care of your child you had with him. But that’s just me :thinking:

15

I’d just be honest with both of them. Tell them you’re pregnant and it could be either of theirs. Give them both the opportunity to go to doctor appointments, or neither if you would prefer to go alone. Just be honest and up front and offer equal opportunities to be involved. It will get all cleared up in less than a year. I wish you the best of luck!

16

I think if it were me i would tell them both and get a DNA test i just don’t like secrets they always have a way of coming back to haunt you

2 Likes
17

Being honest to them both shows what an honest person you are. If your keeping and raising this baby then he or she will need a daddy.

18

Be honest. Don’t feel embarrassed. It says nothing bad about you. You’d be doing the right thing & best for your baby.

19

Be honest and get paternity test done. You were not in a relationship so it isn’t like you cheated etc…

1 Like
20

That would have to be within a very short time span to have 2 possible fathers. There’s bound to be some shame. I would try to narrow it down more by using an ovulation app and entering the dates (last period, intimacy, etc) for it to configure a date of conception. If you were with both guys within days though, then you likely aren’t gonna be able to determine. Dna test after birth is the most common way. I would certainly not use any of the new technology like amneo risking the pregnancy just to find out early. They both need to know. It’s wrong to not make them aware of the situation.

3 Likes
21

Don’t be ashamed! XO Still your life. Never lie about baby daddy stuff, if they judge is on them, not your baggage. Stay strong. If you don’t plan on having them tell neither,isnt their business.

2 Likes
22

Be honest say you don’t know and get a DNA test when the child is born.

2 Likes
23

A child deserves to know which his father is. Do a DNA

3 Likes
24

To everyone saying pick the better guy and let him be the dad…that’s gross. Don’t do that. I’m not even gonna go into how many levels That’s wrong on.
To everyone saying it’s a short time to have more than one partner…imagine living decades behind women’s empowerment and telling someone who’s already feeling down on herself that she should be ashamed. Also gross.
And lastly, to the ones dictating what she does with this pregnancy, you’re the grossest.
You all are the ones who should be ashamed of yourselves.

3 Likes
25

Praying for you. I think it’s always good for a kid to have their dad in their life but don’t know your situation. I would be honest with both.

1 Like
26

Been there done that. But one of my guys was obsessed. Not sure if he was with me or just the idea of a relationship and family but anyways when we found out he wasnt the father he went from a chill dude to a ostchopatg. So honestly is better but some ppl xant handle the truth

27

Be honest… I wouldn’t be embarrassed especially if you weren’t committed to anyone. They do deserve to know.

3 Likes
28

I went through this with my first pregnancy i told both people . was very honest and just got a paternity test after… (Baby creeplily looked like both men couldnt tell lol )

1 Like
29

I’d take care of yourself and worry about who the father is after birth. I’d be honest though.

2 Likes
30

The truth is always better no matter the situation tell them you don’t know and leave it at that till the child is born

1 Like
31

Maybe once you get a due date you can determine possible conception date? Maybe you slept with the other after you would have already been pregnant? That may or may not be helpful but it’s something I would consider if I were in the same boat

1 Like
32

No shame darling. My pregnancies was the best time of my life. Look after yourself. Tell them both the truth and worry about it after the baby is born when you can do the DNA tests

1 Like
33

Well go for first ultrasound n see how far along you are if u haven’t already n sometimes u can get a better idea of who until the official dna done

1 Like
34

You will get through this. Don’t be ashamed no one is perfect. Be honest and if they judge you you don’t need them in your life. The most responsible thing you can do for your child is be honest with both men. Situations happen its life it’s the next steps that follow that matter. You can do this! The situation may suck but the child is a gift. By being honest with both men you will find the truth for your baby. You ensure your doing your best by being honest and taking appropriate steps for you and the baby. If the dad wants to be there when you find out great. If not women make ways for their child. Parenthood is hard no matter the situation. Keep your head up and be proud of this child. Never be embarrassed of a blessing in disguise!

1 Like
35

You are grown hun. Its okay . You are allowed to have sex with who you want. I would be upfront with both people and say there is a possibility of them being the father or one other person. I am currently two weeks out from delivering almost the same situation and I told them both upfront.

36

I would just be honest if the possible father doesn’t want anything to do with the child then let it be. If they do get a dna test when the baby is born.

1 Like
37

Just be honest with both men. It’s scary, but it’s better than keeping it a secret. People have sex with multiple people, nothing to be ashamed of

1 Like
38

My advice is you could just ride it out, look at the babe see who he/she looks like. If one of the men show you compassion go with him. You should be able to count back at the time of conception and pretty much zero in on the person. You can have a DNA on the baby. Good luck. See how you feel about telling both. It’s in your ball park.

39

Was in a very similar experience 27 years ago. My son Devlin is a blessing & I can’t imagine my life without being his Momma. Turned out the “new guy” was his Father vs. The man I had been dating on & off for 4 years & was in love with. We had paternity done when he was about 17 months. It was hard but we got thru it. Bottom line is b honest. It will all work out!!! :purple_heart::blue_heart:

40

I would get the DNA test done as soon as possible but inform both men as difficult as it may be. And the test can be done prenatal. You don’t have to wait for the baby to be born.

2 Likes
41

I’ve done it with my oldest daughter’s dad and my fiancee. I wasn’t sure of who helped make my youngest. Which I told them both. Just get a DNA test and be honest it’s better in the end.

42

Just be up front. I get it’s a hard spot to be in but it wouldn’t be fair to either if they didn’t know or was told it was one but ended up being the others.

43

Just be honest and tell both that you need a DNA test from both of them. But if either of them want nothing to do with the child, you cant be mad at them. If they want to sign away their rights, you gotta let them

1 Like
44

Be honest with them, i had the same problem with my now 5 year old. Honesty is best!

45

There is only two options. I mean yeah that’s not exactly ideal but you have nothing to he ashamed of in my opinion, you didn’t cheat on anyone (it doesn’t sound like it at least) tell them both they may be the dad and get the baby paternity test in once it’s born.

46

This question would be best given to your closest friend or family member who will likely be in your life to help you through the entire lifetime of your new child. Really none of our business.

47

There’s a way to determine who the baby’s father is even if not yet born. I think they just need to extract blood from the 3 of you? I saw it in a movie :grin: i just thought it can help

48

Pick which one you want to be the dad and tell that one :joy::joy: I’m a horrible person.

3 Likes
49

Be honest from the start so they can never say you lied or played games… I know its stressful, worrisome, and difficult. But in the long run it will save you alot… keep the peace in your mind

50

First of all DO NOT BE ASHAMED! it only takes one time to get pregnant. And as long as you are a consenting adult who cares who you sleep with. That’s your business.
Secondly just be honest. The worst thing that will happen is they won’t want anything to do with you until the test. Best case scenario they will both be excited and support you no matter what. Good luck!

51

You should tell them you are pregnant but don’t know who the dad is but you are sure its one of them. When the baby is born get a paternity test done.

52

Just dont worrie. About it it’s your baby and after its born you could. Do. DNA or. Possibly know. By. Looks. Or. Just. Say I am not sure. Never be ashamed

53

I wouldn’t be ashamed just be honest with them both

54

Don’t be ashamed; tell both of them; have a dna test done…you’re not the only woman that’s slept with 2 men in a small time frame and won’t be the last

55

Its is what it is now. Be honest and see if test are needed take em the daddy should know. No matter what it your child and that’s all that should matter.

56

Just be honest with both of them and tell them your pregnant but not sure who’s is it I’m sure they will do a DNA test to see who the father

57

Just say u dont know. My sons father was a major user and i didnt even put him on the birth certificate. Go to the atty general they will request a paternity test done.

58

They both deserve to know you’re pregnant and both deserve to know that there’s potential that they’re the dad. Once you have the baby do a pater it test.

59

Would you really rather just say you don’t know and raise the baby on your own… or just tell them and do a dna test? Or maybe tell the one your closer to and trust the most, do dna and if it’s not his, then let the other know?

60

I mean its two guys within a period of time. Im assuming it wasnt the same day. Tell them both and figure it out when the baby gets here.

61

I m not saying anyone is bas or what i m only saying that we have never disrespect any country,any religioin any prophet because our religion our Prophet Muhammad does not allow us to do this,whereas what is happening in france

62

Don’t be ashamed but you should be honest and tell them both so they can be prepared

63

Tell them, then you’re killing 2 birds with 1 stone (telling them AND saying idk who the dad is)

64

Id say talk to both of them and get the DNA test when the baby is born. Dont keep either of tgem in the dark

65

Every child deserves to no who there real dad is, be honest with both and do a dna

66

Go with the flow. Be pregnant. Let them question it. If you have one child. Use there dna for test. Go from there unless they ask. Don’t deny if they ask.

67

It is what it is. Tell them both then get a dna test. Simple as that.

68

Be honest tell them both. Dna test after birth will confirm.

69

Dna is a great deal! Just inform who all was involved in special activities and tell them it’s a waiting game lol

70

Be honest from the get go!! You can also offer a dna test that can be taken while still pregnant.

71

You need to check on what your status requirements are if you are going to need any sort of assistance from them. Some states require the father to be listed and then you would have to DNA test both.

72

Let me get this straight, you can’t tell the truth to 2 men but you can on public forum? The child deserves the truth.

73

You can actually get something called an amniocentesis and when they do that you can tell if the actual :dna: but you need both dna swab from both men

74

Line them all up and test em… If you sleeping around that means they know there is always a possibilty of pregnancy

75

You only need dna from 1 if you do it before birth so ask your ex first. No one can be at appts now anyway Bc covid so they’re not going to miss all that.

76

One day your child will want to know who their father is, ask both for a DNA test.

77

wait till u get an ultrasound to verify your actual due date and go from there

78

Be honest. You can get DNA test done in utero.

79

You can have a DNA test while you’re pregnant.

80

Be honest. It’s embarrassing. I know the feeling. But honesty is better.

2 Likes
81

You better start looking who’s the Father so they can get an DNA just saying.:blush:

82

Nothing but the truth you would want them to be honest to you!

83

I’d want my kids to know who there dad was.

84

Be honest. The real dad deserves to know

85

Definitly find out who the father is. So one day it doesnt blow up

86

Been in your shoes. Best advice be honest. You can have a DNA test done at a week old.

1 Like
87

Just be honest with both of them

88

Be honest and transparent with them. There is no shame in what happened. :heartpulse: but they deserve to know! If you decide to not go through with the pregnancy, I wouldn’t involve either.

89

Really depends on what you plan on doing.

If you’re keeping it tell them both. Give both the choice to be there if they decide not too that their choice.
If you’re not dont tell either and continue on with your life.

90

My mom was a ho too. It IS a big deal and you absolutely SHOULD be ashamed of yourself. Get your crap together because as much as people may want to stroke your ego, it’s going to create a problem for your kid if you don’t. Stop making crap choices especially when you know the risks involved.

91

Be honest with both of them

92

Honesty is always the best policy

93

Imma need the dna Maury!

94

How does the mirena get moved ??? Just wondering because I’m planning on getting one but definitely don’t want to get pregnant again

95

Fingers crossed that it’s not the jail bird

96

Wait and see who it looks like??:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

97

It is called a DNA test you idiot

98

Damn all you women with two men and I can’t get one woman. Lol not fair

99

I live in Australia and maybe it’s very different here with regards to self respect. Most of us teach our girls to respect themselves and not to give themselves so willingly to more than one man at a time. I know people here, going by their responses won’t like what I have written, but what has happened to women respecting themselves and taking their time to know someone, and not have sex with more than one guy so close together. I know she is an adult, but if she has only been with one man, she would know who the father is. I just find that embarrassing that she now has to confront 2 men and admit she doesn’t know which one the father is. And they will both know she slept with another man and neither obviously used protection. Like I said, I live in Australia and our views here are obviously very different than those in the US for example…

2 Likes
100

Suck it up and tell them both and get a paternity test done