I’ve been married for four years, and it’s been a toxic relationship, and we have a two-year-old son. A few nights ago, we got into a fight, and it became physical, and he was threatening to kill all my family members and me. The fight started because I came home from work and my son was on the toilet because my husband was trying to get him to go to the bathroom and my son was on the toilet for a couple of minutes just crying, and I said to my husband maybe he doesn’t need to poop. My husband got mad at me for this, and I yelled at him, and that pissed him off, and when I went to get my son of the toilet, he shoved me out of the way with his shoulder. I took my son after that and put him in our bedroom with the tv on and shut the door, and went into the living room to talk to my husband. He was angry and not listening to what I was trying to say, so I have up and went into our room, and he followed me in and started yelling at me in front of our son. I tried to push him out of the room, and he pushed me back, and I slapped him in the face, and then he kicked me in the legs. After that, I took my son to my brothers to have dinner with him and my family. I came back home after dinner, and my husband was clearly drunk and I tried to ignore him. I went into our room to get away from him, and he started yelling and banging on the bedroom door. I was on the phone with my mom and he came into the room and took the phone away from me and started yelling at my mother and was threatening to kill my family. I tried to get my phone back but he wouldn’t give it back. I tried to get away from him and he shoved me against the wall and was yelling in my face trying to provoke me to slap him again and saying that he would kill me and he put his hand around my throat. He finally left me alone and I called my dad to come over because I wanted to leave with my son but I was afraid he wouldn’t let me. My dad came over and my husband left and I called the cops and filed a report. Because I didn’t show them the bruise on my leg they didn’t arrest him but the police and DCF think I should file a restraining order. My husband is now in the VA hospital because he checked himself in that night and his mother convinced him to go stay with her so I can stay at our apartment. He’s going to be going to anger management every week and AA. I don’t know what I should do. I feel hesitant about filing a restraining order. He’s never once laid a hand on our son and I don’t want to keep him away from his son forever. I also don’t want my son to be in danger but I’m not sure that he would ever do anything to our son. I told his mom that the police think I should file a restraining order and she got mad at me and said it would make things worse. I need advice on what to do. Should I file a restraining order?
** TRIGGER WARNING** My husband and I got into a fight and I was told to file a restraining order: Advice?
You never know. Go to a shelter.
File the restraining order. File for divorce. Thats not okay. Dont let your son grow up thinking its okay.
This man threatened you and your family got physical with you in front of the child I say leave and file for divorce bc it only gets worse
I think since he has taken steps to help himself so soon and went to the hospital the same night maybe give him a chance.
Wow deff yea get the hell out of that situation!!! That only gets worse not better. He sounds like a real angry arsehole. To do that Infront of your boy he doesn’t care now and that will get worse if he’s prepared to hurt you Infront of him nothing will stop him
File a restraining order, won’t keep him from his son just you. There are access centers if you go through the courts if you can’t trust him with your son. Or third party drop offs and pick ups. File for custody if you haven’t. It will only become more toxic and get worse. (Know someone this happened to). It’s time for separation and maybe counselling much later if you want to work it out or a quits altogether and file for divorce.
Well youre both in the wrong and both assaulted each other. Sounds like maybe you both need therapy.
If DCF is involved, they are going to be looking at you to make sure you have a plan in place to keep him (your son) safe. If you do not, and another incident occurs, they could charge you with failure to protect.
He is probably going threw a lot in his own mind . He needs help for sure .
Yes I think you should. Your number one priority is to protract your son. Your son deserves a home where he can feel safe.
If you hit him back in anyway shape or form then no I would not file one because the truth always comes to light. But regardless this type of behavior is not OK so if you guys are toxic to each other then you definitely have your answer￼￼
File restarting order and emergency custody and let the courts or DSS set up supervised visits until your husband is evaluated and in treatment
Yes get the hell away from him as it will only worsen file for a restraining order and set some safe boundaries for u and your family good luck
No you shouldn’t because you’re just as guilty. I think you need anger management as well
Sounds like you should file.
Husband or not hitting or shoving a women is still abuse.
Restraining orders aren’t permanent. You need to protect your son and yourself. In time things maybe different, but right now the violence and threats are real.
Maybe some time apart and meet in the park or public places until you stort things out and it’s safe again
Yes file the restraining order. Just because you have it that doesn’t mean he can’t see his son. Maybe he will get his life on track, maybe not. But right now things are not good and you need to protect yourself and your son.
If he did it once he’ll do it again and worse
Both yall have issues. It wasnt all him
Fuck no he’s too dangerous to be around your house child definitely file a restraining order
Get your kid out of there before he gets hurt! Thwn take yourself for counseling bc you’ve obviously gor issues yourself as well.
CPS is no joke, you don’t want to be involved with them…
If dcs is already aware and suggested it. Then i would do it. Better safe then sorry. They can take your child if u “fail” to protect him by not filing a report after instructed to do so.
Yes, you file a restraining order and you need to take classes to. You were both in the wrong doing that in front of your son.
You said he’s never hurt your child before but you didn’t say this was the first time he’s hurt you. File the order before your child is left motherless.
File not just for your safety but also for your sons. Also, file for emergency custody to were you have physical custody and dad has supervised visits.
YOU ARE IN DENIAL & most likely it is only going to get worse. Give yourself time to process everything before making a major decision.
File, be so careful and GET OUT!
Uummmm you slapped him first? Sounds like both of y’all need to grow the fuck up.
Well it honesty doesn’t sound like you’re innocent by any means. You put your hands on him first and yelled first… you are BOTH to blame and you also should seek some anger management as well. You both need to learn how to handle things better with out yelling and putting hands on each other. It sounds like he is on the right path to getting help. You should be too. Instead of getting a restraining order on him and acting like he was all to blame, try some counseling first and see if things can be handled differently. If you wana leave him that’s fine… but I still think trying to work on co parenting and handling anger together is better than filing restraining orders.
On one hand, i think you should because of the threats. But you put your hands on him as well, did you tell the police that part as well? Or just what he did. That can impact whether the RO is approved or not.
You need to take steps to show you are trying to keep your child safe. In certain states, like in Oregon, a child witnessing thosr violent interactions is considered abuse. Get a police report and file a RO for both you and your child. Stay safe Momma!
Yes! Just because he hasn’t hurt your child doesn’t mean he wouldn’t! There was also a time when he hadn’t laid a hand on you either…
It does damage to your son to see him hit you. File the restraining order and when he gets his crap together, if he ever does, it can be lifted. Violence on either end of never the answer
If hes threatening to kill you then yes file a order.
File it you gotta put you and your son first.
Neither one of y’all should be putting hands on the other ESPECIALLY in front of ur child! Y’all need to separate & see if y’all will be better at co parenting.
Your son can see all that and think its ok to accept the behavior or do it to someone else.
It’s just a piece of paper, been there sadly. I cant tell you that it never gets better esp after getting to these steps and of you say it’s BEEN a toxic relationship most of the years I would get yourself and your son out. No one can tell you what to do not knowing your full situation or feelings but you need to protect yourself and your son.
I’d rather file and have a paper trail to protect yourself and your son both now and in the long haul. It’s not permanent but it’s def the safest route to go.
FILE. Not because it was a fight and yall both did stupid shit…but if hes drinking… enough to need AA…you need to leave, take your son and go! Whose to say it wont get worse each time? It’s not okay that you put your hands on him but it’s not okay for him to threaten you. Get you and your son the hell out of there!
Two things stand out in this… VA hospital so he probably has some form of ptsd and you provoked him by yelling and putting your hands on him first… You both need counseling and help…
This is all so extremely disturbing. You hitting him too. He’s clearly crazy especially after threatening to kill you. You need to protect your son who might already grow up emotionally disturbed
U need to do what is BEST for you and ur child if they want u to file then do it… it will protect u and ur son from him… also get a no contact order on him as well
File the restraining order, find a new place to live and get some anger management yourself.
Include your child in the EPO. Emergency protection order. Please leave this man. He will end up killing you or your child. I almost died when I gave mine a second chance. A year and half later I’m out of that toxic relationship and with a man that treats me and my children well. Don’t let your child grow up and see this type of relationship
yes,.because he’ll eventually hurt him maybe even worse
You put your hands on him first, yea he might’ve nudged you with his shoulder but you pushed him and slapped him the face, so what did the cops say about that? Or did you make it to where you were the victim and did absolutely nothing to him?
File an go get a conceal carry permit. A restraining order is only a piece of paper an it won’t protect you. He put his hands on you an next time it will probably be worse. It will never stop I don’t care what he says (coming from experience) protect yourself & your son!
If so he should be dealt with differently. He needs treatment not punishment.
There’s not one person here commenting that can give you good advice if they don’t have experience with veterans.
I’ve dealt with this… things are getting better… my so is a combat veteran… pm me if you’d like to talk…
So … pushing someone out of a room and slapping him for being physical and clearly violent and out of line is not the same in any universe as him pushing, kicking, choking and threatening to kill a woman and her family in front of a child. In no court are those things even remotely the same. Who compares them, then uses that to justify giving terrible advice? Protecting yourself and your son comes first, period. Follow the legal advice and continue to stand up for yourself.
Regardless of if he’s caused physical harm to your son or not, his behavior is harmful to your son. Do you want your son to think that’s how he’s supposed to treat the woman he supposedly loves? I say supposedly, because that kind of behavior IS NOT love. I say get the restraining order and never look back. I know that’s easier said than done because I’ve been in a similar situation. You just have to ask yourself what’s more important. Your feelings, or your son.
File and stay away from him … been there it only gets worse
So, you, put your hands on him first. Then, he kicks your legs? I think he should file one on you too.
Unless you call the police to file a report you cant get a restraining order. It doesnt work like that. Leave him.
In the state of California you both would have been arrested for domestic battery…not sure if restraining order would work in this case, he could file one on you too?
He was forcing your kid to go to the bathroom when he clearly didnt go to the point of tears. This dude is dangerous.
Good luck making it stick, they don’t just give you a restraining order without evidence and it sounds like you both behave like children. Just because you file a restraining order doesn’t mean you are keeping his son away from him forever, they are temporary and he would have to go to court to figure out custody with you. Good luck. If this is just one incident I wouldn’t do anything, but if this is ongoing I would get some help, counseling, etc. stop drinking alcohol and fix the relationship, it sounds like it is not healthy.
If CPS is involved (I’m assuming that DCF is Department of child and family), you do what they tell you. Because if they’re involved and you don’t do as they ask you to, you run the risk of losing your child.
Talk to his VA counselor. If this is PTSD maybe they can diagnose, medicate, get couples counseling started. If he wasn’t a vet I’d say run and don’t ever look back! But you never mentioned psychosis or substance abuse besides self medicating with alcohol. If things had not escalated this time, how would you feel? Don’t make a snap decision, but don’t allow things to get so far out of hand again. Having the “last word” isn’t important to grown folks.
He’s laying hands on u in front of ur son n this isn’t good. He shouldn’t be in this environment b grow up thinking this is normal n a normal way of handling anger. Prayers 4 U.
He may not have physically hurt your kid, but seeing his mommy abused, shoved, screamed at… that IS abuse too.
Neither one of you were in the right…no one should be putting their hands on anyone I hope you find the answer you’re looking for but look into counseling for both of you
You both put hands on each other, I say get the restraining order. You both need to take responsibility for what happened, I am glad that you are not wanting to keep the baby from him, but also make sure it’s safe for the baby. Maybe take some time from each other to think about what it’s that you guys want from your relationship. If you do not see a future for him file for a divorce
Well, he started his treatment, now you need to start yours…I can’t answer the restraining order question, but if you don’t I strongly advise you to inform him in some other means of he comes around you without permission or unannounced that restraining order will go into effect immediately…but you both need some counseling and he needs supervised visitation until he can prove he’s not a threat and continuing his treatment…you as well should take the anger management treatment, as you said, slapped him first. Good luck and Prayers all goes well…
Give the kid to CPS that’ll teach him
take your son and LEAVE. that’s what you do.
Restraining order is just a piece of paper. Obviously if he is at the VA hes a veteran and realizes he has a problem or he wouldn’t have checked himself in. I definitely wouldn’t let him live with you right now. Filing a restraining order may be too much for him right now. Obviously dont be alone with him. Remain firm about behaviors you wont tolerate. You both need counseling.
This being said. I’m usually the first one to say file the order. This time I think it would do more harm than good.
Honestly, if I was his mom, I’d kick your butt for touching my son, making him get out of character, then you want to act like he is all wrong…you dont get to hit males either.
Did you tell them you slapped him first? Because you are definitely not a victim here. You slapped him! Did you expect him not to defend himself? I would’ve kicked you too! Poor kid! Nothing worse than 1 toxic parent, except 2 toxic parents
Be careful it will happen again
Ok i dont care if he has ptsd…its not safe…get your kids safe…but its funny how just because he checked himself at the VA it must be ptsd.guess what they treat everything…just cuz you served doesnt mean you have ptsd…sometimes you r just a regular disfunctional alcoholic asshole… Get away from him!!! I dont care if he started treatment…you stay clear til hes clear…your kids don’t deserve that shit…if he gets straight. Then fine but im guessing hes just an alcoholic asshole
You put your hands on each other, you were both wrong. There’s obviously underlying issues which pushed to the surface. Go to counseling and try to fix it or go your separate ways. It’s not fair to your child to be in that environment.
File it. Both get counseling. Raise ur baby. Do ur best. Best wishes.
He may not be physical with your son, yet. But if he gets mad enough at you to be physical with you then one day he will see you in your son, and will target your son. You both are also teaching your son how a man is supposed to treat his wife. You may keep him in the other room, but he knows and he will remember. This will haunt him, just as it will you. File the restraining order and file for divorce.
I didn’t read the rest of the comments so somebody may have already said this, but if he goes to the VA hospital I take it he’s a veteran? Both my uncle and grandfather were veterans and had NO history of abuse before war. But PTSD and Bipolar combined with alcohol surfaced when he returned and he was very hostile and violent with my grandmother until he got help and treatment. My uncle also has PTSD from the war, and became very physically aggressive and easily upset when he returned until he got help…
I’m not justifying this whatsoever because it was wrong, but maybe he is authentically sick and is not diagnosed/treated. I would wait… he’s already taking steps to fix himself. That takes a lot.
You said its been a toxic relationship. Meaning this isnt the first incident happening, not technically saying it’s been physical before. But both of you are in the wrong. You arent completely innocent either. You slapped him first. And from the sounds of it you started yelling too.
I personally wouldn’t continue the relationship either way. And if you were completely honest with the cops then they should know that you slapped him first. They should know the story just like how you posted it.
Its clear y’all need time apart. See how his classes go, stay at ur families with ur son for awhile an meet in public places so he can see his son, or he can come to ur familys.
“I tried to push him out of the room” Push being your 1st mistake. Never ever put your hands on anyone.
Its a temporary measure, and a good idea!! It gives him time to get the help he needs!! Yes get the order and heal!!
Both of y’all definitely need a break and some therapy at the very least. Neither one of you have any respect for each other at all. Its never okay to put hands on each other in a violent manner.
You started it. So explain why YOU need a restraining order? You deserved that shit.
not yet. Its a piece of useless paper. If he becomes more aggressive then yes but dont count on that keeping you safe. Ive been there and would tend to agree with his mom. Just keep notes on everything. Follow your gut not your guilt. If he remains aggressive then file for specified supervised access and let a third party handle that.
I just heard of a DV situation that escalated to a double homicide that the kids watched. It’s only a slap or a kick until it isn’t anymore.
Even though he hit you first and you hit him back and it went back and forth idk if they’d even help you.
Yes he used his shoulder to move you but you tried to push him out of the room. And then he didn’t let you and then YOU slapped him…
All I can say is that you both yelling and fighting infront of your child is fucking disgusting. There’s no reason for it. At all.
Cops will always tell u to get a restraining order even if its not necessary. Never listen to police.
He threatened to kill you and your family. He showed his anger by putting his hands on you. It will happen again, and he will eventually lose his temper with your child. Dcf is involved and failing to file a restraining order against him may look like you aren’t trying to provide a safe environment for your child…
Sounds like he is the one that needs the restraining order.
File child support and if you dont want to keep him away from his child he would need supervised visitation
Nothing you did made what he said and did alright. Men DO kill their wives, children and wive’s families every day. Whether you file or not, keep your son away and stay away yourself. I would seek therapy for yourself, though, because it is only acceptable to get physical if you feel your life is threatened. Slapping and yelling at him isn’t good for your son either.
I don’t think you need to file a restraining order but you need to gtfo of there. That’s no environment to raise a child in.
aww, sweety domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical to do long term damage to your little one’s brain or to your brain for that matter it sends little shock waves that ricochet around in their little brains for years
First off I am very sorry that this is happening to u AND ur son. This must be hard, confusing and heartbreaking. Secondly, u said in ur post that ur “not sure he would ever do anything to our son”-u should KNOW he wouldn’t. The fact that u r hesitant is worrisome. Bc I think deep down u already know the answer to that but ur heart doesn’t want to accept that scary thought.
Regardless, he is already doing the damage. Ur son should never see that kind of behaviour and he should not see his mother having to hit his father or try to defend herself from abuse. I know u tried to shield him from this but kids are very smart and pick up on things quickly.
If u didn’t come home would he of just made ur 2 yr old sit there crying forever? That kind of emotionally abusive behaviour is not ok!
Why is this even a f^cking question?
Get an avo done that states he isn’t in any way to abuse you mentally or physically and if he does he will be arrested and removed and possibly face court do it if you can’t find the balls to leave the prick he can still live there just isn’t allowed to treat you like shit
It doesn’t matter who started it. A threat to KILL was made from a guy with a drinking problem. Don’t play with that. Who cares what other people say.