I went through a year and a half of this. I eventually left because if I was going to do everything on my own I might as well be on my own. Couple years later I found an amazing husband who does more than half of everything. There are good men out there. 
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You are sahm so deal with it
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You weren’t wrong to say something. Personally I think anyone who is afraid to be videoed probably has reason and that’s not good. That said if he’s wary of people posting it online then you were wrong. Either way these are your babies and if this is a recurring topic better to cut bait now
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Sorry to say, he will be like that forever unless YOU change. You can’t change anyone else. I once heard great advise, she said fake it til you make it. So. She started telling all her friends how helpful her husband is when he could hear her. How he helped unload the car, ect. Make it match your situation. Eventually her husband started doing all of the things she was thanking him for. Positive reinforcement works much better than a video. That’s like rubbing his nose in it. Would you ever video your kids throwing a tantrum and then shame them with it? Imagine if it were reversed, how would you react if he showed you a video of yourself? Also, tell him everyday when he comes home how much you appreciate his contributions both financial and helping with the kids.
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You are not wrong! He is! Stand your ground now or in 10 years it’ll be worse, trust me 
. Also next time he asks you to make something, say sure & then go hang with the babies in the other room or something, when he says something about it tell him sorry but their needs come first.
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Probably won’t change unless he wants to. You said you appreciate that he provides for you. Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t give him the right to not help care for the kids. Does he do date night with you? Does he go out with buddies? Do you get a girls day ever so often? What does he consider important? Is he going thru the motions?
Have a face to face sit down with him and cslmly, logically discuss. If he gets loud or defensive or throws blame, you got your answer.
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Well firstly, I think parenting is equal responsibility hands down. I think its important that when any working parent comes home (mum or dad) they spend some quality time with the kids. Regardless who stays at home and who works, each role is equally important, and all for the family unit.
Personally I would be pissed if I was being recorded and then confronted with it. There are many other ways you could have handled that without making him feel like you are treating him ir scolding him like a child
I get its frustrating, I was a SAHM to twins, and worked night shifts at a pub, its damn hard being at home all day with small children, however open communication as opposed to passive aggressive behaviour
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You gotta handle this shit now, it only gets worse as they get older. You have kids you don’t need to tend to a grow ass kid that can’t take care of his kids too!
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Your not wrong. He can either look after the kids properly,or he can make his own dessert. Sitting on your phone telling the kids not to cry is not parenting.
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I think its wrong and petty…do you ever do anything wrong. Would you want him to record you …i am only answering this based on a experience i had …and only because you asked opionions…i do hope and want to see everyone present in their childrens life…and maybe youhave tried other ways…and your going to do whats best in your situation but especially with men i think it will just shut him out…it happened to me…best of luck…
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Tell him that you might as well be a single mom if you’re going to be made to feel like one anyway, but not to worry, he can still do his bare minimum by providing for the babies in the form of child support
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Lol. I’m a sahm too. I have taken photos of my husband playing on his phone while I’m cooking dinner and the kids are constantly saying daddy and run to me instead. I don’t blame you but. Kids are more adapted to going to their mom when you are constantly there. You’re their go to person. I have to hide or say go ask your dad he’s right there before he will listen to them or they bug him.
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Wow so clearly it’s a thing to try and shame people into doing something you want them to do…I think its disgusting. To me her asked her to make him something maybe she only knows how, who knows, and he watched the kids while on his phone…I guarantee nearly every parent does this. I don’t see the warrant of trying to humiliate someone…that’s borderline narcissistic. I’ve been with my partner going on 12 years, not married and 3 kids and we don’t treat each other this way
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Everybody should do this more actually… and self reflect on how they look sound and act to the ones that love them the most obviously and if he dont want to see it and change it then BYE… know your worth ! A hit dog will hollar everytime babygirl !! Stay true to your gut feeling and your kids !!!
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He wanted to relax real quick. He just got out of work. Yeah, I get your tired as well but it goes both ways. Sit down and talk it out. If the kids are chillin, then yeah ill sit down and relax too. Im SAHM myself. I
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If he makes you feel like a single mother then become one. It’s much less aggravating.
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Get that straight now while they’re young. I’m at the end of a 20 year marriage and that is the reason I’m finally done. 19 and 16 year olds treat me like shit 24/7 because dad never took the time when he was home to be present enough to teach them how to be young men.
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Men are very visual people, so thats exactly what he needs is to see it! He is probably mad because he knows its true! My husband will get mad when i prove my point but once hes calmed down and actually thought about it he comes around! I actually never thought of recording…i might have to try that! My kids are older but its the way he talks to them when they are upset, scared or hurt that pushes them away from him. I try to explain that he needs to be more nurturing and compassionate with them, so i will get him on video and show him! Thanks for the idea!
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What is it about some women don’t realize long before they’re married or with someone way before they have a child and/or children with them, that they’re gonna be the type that doesn’t do housework such as the laundry, the dirty dishes, muchless take care of a child or children? If they aren’t willing to help with daily chores, most likely they aren’t gonna help take care of a child other than maybe financially taking care of it.
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Next time he wants something sweet tell him to use his phone and look up the recipe. Then he can go make it for himself.
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Not sticking up for him but some men just aren’t good with little kids. I’m a sahm. My husband works his ass off supporting us. He will help me if something needs to be done around the house or if I want him to watch the kids he would, but his way of watching them was similar to your husband’s. Our children our now 10&11 and now that they are older he is all about doing fun stuff with them. The three of them are best friends. I always looked at it as so long he provided and kept a decent roof over our heads everything else is on me. I’m just saying… Things might change as the kids get older
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As long as the crying is under control, no one is hurt & the kids stay out of the kitchen Idc how their dad watches them & I’m no one to tell him anything… if you want him to be more present with the kids, set up family days, family dinners just family time.
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I want the recipe for arroz con leche lol I went through this with my husband. I did speak to him. His response was that he didn’t know how to act or play with them. I told him to get on their level and just listen to what they’re saying and doing. He does it every once in a while. In the beginning, I left the house almost all day and I swear he called me non-stop lol. Give him a taste of your own medicine 
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That’s why I left my kid’s dad. I felt like I was doing everything myself all the time and he ignored me so after we divorced it really doesn’t seem like my life has changed at all lol.
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I’d be pissed if someone recorded me without my consent and, in some states, it’s illegal to audio record someone without their consent. He knows what he’s doing or not doing. There’s no need to record to have the necessary conversation.
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this almost seems like a joke that you’re worried about it… honestly I’m surprised he’s still your fiancé. I hope you saved the video bc if I were you I’d show it to him in about a week. don’t feel bad about bruising his ego. guys want to think they’re good at everything and when a woman tells him that he’s not and she does a better job, wwwhhoooooo boy, they get big mad. babies themselves
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I can almost guarantee you, if he’s like that now, he will always be like that…you have tried talking to him but he doesn’t change…either just don’t depend on him to watch the kids and do it all yourself or leave. It’s not fair to you or the kids either way…
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Rule 1, never record without consent 2, it’s 50/50 you both need to sit down and discuss the issues you have but don’t target at him or put him down
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I mean I understand the issue and how frustrating that is. But recording was very passive aggressive. I don’t agree with that part. This is something he won’t change if he doesn’t see an issue. Perhaps having some down time for him to decompress on the phone relaxing and then family time no phones in the room or anything.
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He’s just embarrassed that you put him on blast… You need to give him what he gives you and the kids. If he’s on his phone and not present at all, you need to do that to him. This is immature BOY stuff. Put him on notice that you and your kids need a MAN, not a grown child. This is a problem that WON’T go away unless you make it known that it will NO LONGER be tolerated. He’s happy to let you pickup for all of his shortcomings…again, this is BOY stuff.
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I feel there is more to this. I wouldnt want to be recorded. Especially in my own house. People parent differently and communication I feel would of been better way. If you are this unhappy you need get some counseling or just end it.
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You guys need relationship counseling. You broke a boundary of his by not asking permission to video him. You also did it manipulatively, to show him how he’s doing it wrong. You criticize him when he is parenting because it doesn’t meet some standard You have, but upon which the couple has not agreed.
He gave you the silent treatment on the movie as a passive aggressive defense from your attacks.
Why not have an actual conversation about how you will parent individually and collectively. By the way, this will go much better if you first come to understand that different styles are OK! He doesn’t have to do it your way.
Seriously, please do get help. You are both falling into negative communication patterns that will not lead down a happy road.
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Hes a dad not a babysitter. Shouldn’t have to ask him to watch the kids. End of story.
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I’d would have faked a humongous migraine and let him look after them for two days while you hibernate he’s soon be present then… you’ve let him do nothing he needs throwing in the deep end full responsibility for 48 hours 
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My husband was just like this when my kids where babies I know just how she feels.
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You know there’s two sides to every story and just seems everyone’s jumping on her side we don’t know full story and maybe sometimes he actually does things but she wants everyone to think he don’t no one can comment on this rubbish unless they are present and I’m sorry for all we know she’s sitting there moaning about everything he does is wrong like most women do whether it’s looking after his children or house work tbh you disgraceful for even shaming him on Facebook keep your personal life private and if it’s that bad seek professional help ain’t no one here qualified
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He’s not the only das who works and still comes home to help with kids. There’s plenty who do that. I would of done the same thing probably stated more to him.
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I’m in the same boat. Hes the provider and makes excuses that he’s tired after work. He also has a bad back. Sorry, but everyone gets tired and exhausted. I told him your job as a parent will always be there. And if you don’t wanna help watch/spend time with your child, you can leave. I’ve also told him don’t come crying to me when the time comes where you want to spend time with your daughter, and she chooses not to. So now he makes an effort. Not as much as I want, but it’s better than nothing.
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Definitely NOT wrong. What should you do? Do less … don’t make him the damn “something sweet” next time he asks … or say sure … PLAY with the kids … NO PHONE … and then if he doesn’t do that and just lays there and yells at them throw the dessert away. He doesn’t deserve it.
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I am a mum of 2 kids and let me tell you (also from all the comments) it doesn’t change at all unless u address the issue.
To be fair, most women step up even more when we have children as we try to better ourselves to set an example for our children. And then there are also some mums who struggle with becoming a parent.
Men are the same. There are men who want to help but just don’t know wat to do with babies and kids. There are some men yes they are tired from working and in there head they think providing for their family is there job. And yes there are dads who don’t even deserve to be dads. Instead of Filming him maybe next time when his in a good mood suggest things he can do to help you out. Just don’t nag him - you’ll get a better response out of him this way.
When he asks u to do something, if your tired and even if your not stand your ground. If u don’t soon enough u will end up feeling like a door Matt (stepped on single mother).
Men are oblivious sometimes they just need that bit of a push.
Ones who want to build a home for their wife and kid will change. Ones that don’t, your better off without them. It’s hard either way. Good luck babe. Just know we’ve been through it 
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You’re not wrong but most men hate being told what to do and feel emasculated when us women do it. When we put down the way they are doing something, even though we know we’re right, they take it as if we think they don’t know anything. They care more about their ego than their family. Not all man of course. Some will actually do what you hoped and reflect on it.
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I know how y’all feel an it gets better but it is hard an lots of sacfice involved so I ain’t saying tip toe around no one but remember an try not to push to hard are get to upset with him cuz of stress from unspoken words an feeling… Y’all be jus fine … wish YALL WELL AN PRAYING FOR WELLNESS OVER YALL RELATIONSHIP
If he can’t help you with the kids he also chose to have (working or not) tell him to make his own “something sweet” their his kids to watch to your not asking him to run around for an hour after work after them people spend to much time of their phones quality time is with family after work.
I mean what’s wrong about it if he lays down on the couch and the kids play …? You don’t always have to be all over the kids. You can sit and let them play lol I’d be mad too if I was laying on my couch and my man would start recording me to show me what a lazy bum I am. I think you are wrong here , not him.
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You are not wrong. Just because he provides financially doesn’t mean he should not be helping take care of the kids or household. Men think they can just stay glued to their iPads and phones. How is that being a partner and father. He obviously doesn’t care about you or them.
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My bf is like this with my kids and I’m a sahm as well I take full responsibility for the kids and he provides I get irritated cause he does the same when our 1 year old cries and I tell him pay attention to her and she wouldn’t cry so he give her the attention she was craving until I can get to her.
No parent is born knowing how to parent. We all learn as we go. Unless you have older kids, you both are new to parenting. Are you perfect? My answer to you would be that you were wrong and petty. This exact thing would open a chapter in ur marriage that you dont want . Talk to him and let him know how you feel. If it doesn’t work then next time when he asks for something let him know he has to wait till the kids are napping . Explain that the kids are at the age when they need to be watched closely . Ask him to put the phone away. Do not record your husband behind his back, it will not end up well
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What happened to the kids? Were they ok? Who got hurt?Just because he didn’t do it the way you wanted him to do it, doesn’tmean he didn’t do it. People can multi task in different ways. Have you have never folded laundry or washed dishes while watching the kids? People need a chance to unwind a little too. Videoing him to throw it in his face will only make things worse in my eyes. The kids were cared for and he was still able to unwind a little. I am probably the odd man out on this view too after reading these comments.
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Just stop what your doing for him and attend to the children’s needs. He will have to wait longer for his desired sweet. Soon enough he will realise, you can’t do both at the same time and if he wants his food, he will stop what he’s doing and take over the kids so as you can make it. Simple. If he doesn’t that’s his problem, don’t bother fighting, filming or getting upset
Just what do you can and that’s it. Kids come first so make sure their content and cook away.
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If you tell him how you feel enough times they will finally get it. My son is now 8 months at my SO is doing better with him alot more hands on. But they won’t know unless you express how you’re feeling
Let it stew in his head. It takes my husband 2 weeks. WEEKS to understand that kind of stuff. There will be negativity on his side.
More fool you for jumping to his needs 
hes an adult, can make his own food! If he isn’t fussed with the kids, then dont baby him! Men eh!
Ive actually had this with my partner and our twins when they were 8-9months - I did the same as you, I recorded via the nanny cam and sent the video to him where he was in the hallway on his phone til they make a noise and he goes to them or talks through the door (FYI - he sits in hallway because I don’t want him vaping in same room as our boys) but he couldve easily had a toke or two and went back in, not sat out in the hallway looking in from a distance. But anyway he saw it and after a few times I also walked passed and told him to go in the room and spend time not sit outside the room from them. Still sometimes does it but not so much and he does interact with them and is a great dad, I just noticed it since weve been having two jour breaks each a day to wind down and on his turn to watch them he doesnt so I’ve been keeping an eye on it
I think it’s a great idea to record because seeing themselves instead of just hearing us talk is something they can respond to. He can look at the video and say I didn’t kno I sounded like that
Yeah you broke his trust big time. That was doing him dirty. Was he right in how he handled it not really but you showed him you don’t trust him. Once trust is broken it’s hard to get back. Good luck.
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Honestly, I don’t think its anything to become single over…like ending a relationship with the father of your children…putting them in separate homes? That’s a tad extreme.
I feel like men/ father’s generally become better connected with their children once they’re out of the infant/baby stage…I’m not saying he shouldn’t fix it, but it’s just something yall may have to work through in time
Look I deal with the same shit your not wrong but their is a time n place for everything… Because if he is a provider an taking of y’all like he should well then… First thank him cuz lot of women wish there man get go an work for them an comes home to a hectic house with young babies after hard day at work around DUDES talking about I’m sure nothing he cares for are has goin on at home. Cuz his coworkers aint got wife an two babies home all waiting to get a piece of his time when he returns home … What I can say I wish my wife of 17 years an mother of our three kids two girls an a boy whom are now ,7 an my second girl is turning 4 on Jan 19 with my last kid turning 3 rite after on Feb 20
I think every woman has this same fight with the dad over this. Also you can’t make a dad parent like a mom.
Trust you gut… if u feel he ain’t good enough now, and if he is not making the effort now. There is no way that he will change after marriage…
Ps. What’s SAHM
This is a difficult situation. He may work 8+ hours a day to support the family financially but if he doesn’t help you out then you are working 16+ hours a day to support your family emotionally and mentally which is beyond monetary value. Without your work his work means very little because it cannot take care of the family. Without you, if he wanted to continue in this life he wants to live he would have to pay a housekeeper, cook, a shopper, laundress, therapist, caregiver, and a prostitute (forgive the crassness). I doubt he could do it. Your work is of more value than he realizes. Maybe more than you realize. Know your worth. Expect what you accept. If you want something different do not accept anything less. Discuss this with him in a calm non accusatory manner. Try not to be offensive. Come at him from the angle of how it will benefit him to be present and active with your children. Good luck. You can do it 
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Lord apparently he’s not ready to be a team nor a father which happens a lot … if you’re not happy be happy on your own !!
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In these day and age you do not have to out up with it, there are places that will help you to be independent. Give him the option, it’s his choice
No you’re not wrong. But I will caution you this doesn’t normally get them to change either. He’s either going to be there or he’s not. If he’s not then I’d have him start taking care of himself while you do everything else or call off your wedding/file for divorce (you call him your fiancee and husband so which ever situation applies)
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Maybe sit with him and set the routine together. Set some “daddy and kids” time into it but make sure he decides when.
Just ask yourself how you would feel if while he was at work he secretly recorded you and what you did?
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You secretly recorded him just to bitch about how he takes cares of his kids. Most men would probably be pissed too. 
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Is he your husband or fiancé’ ? He will not change until you quit accepting his behavior. If he’s not your husband quit treating him like is. And sines you have 2 babies I’m sure you get the message.
I’m not being snarky. It just may be time to draw the line
If you felt.the need.to.record him, then you think he’s doing something wrong. You’re basically saying he’s lazy. So.you taped him and he got mad. He can bug off. If he’s offended that you taped him that sounds like a guilty conscience and deflecting.
Why are you recording him? Just cause he has a different style of parenting then you doesn’t mean you have to be rude.
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Nope you ain’t wrong. I’m in the same situation 100 times over and over 24/7 I record him too. Yep he hates it but it gives you that piece of mind that you can show him how involved he is. Honestly even when he’s mad I still send it to him and play it in front of him. It’s not to belittle someone it’s to teach them you know you have a responsibility too DO IT! Sitting down like civilised human beings and talking does not work. Tried billion times over.
Mom’s do everything. Double standard of society
My opinion? He pays the bills? I’d make his dessert and take care of the kids. I understand not everyone agrees with that though, and I understand how you can be frustrated. The best thing in any situation is honest communication. If he can’t respect your feelings, he doesn’t deserve you 
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My question is did he help with the first one before the second one? If he didn’t why have a second one if your goi6to complain about it? I ask my daughter in law the same question. My son didn’t help much with the first and all she did was complain. Then again with another one. Both still in diapers he works she dont.
Maybe give him an ultimatum or tell him he can have the ring back if he can’t watch the kids for 30 minutes while you cook for him.
I dont agree with you recording him though
ya’ll both know where babies come from…was he there with the first? Shouldn’t have had the 2nd…just saying
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No you were not wrong for saying anything. It takes two people to make a child.
I do this to my boyfriend. He needs to watch himself be a butt or at least have proof of his shitty parenting which ever helps
He probably didn’t like having to reflect on himself. Though you can’t change somebody they have to want to change for themselves. X
From both mine and my husbands perspective no you werent in the wrong you are basically trying to get him to see what he is doing wrong.
I agree he needs to be involved with the kids 100%. However, recording him just to send to him so he can reflect? He knows what he’s doing…
Going through this currently. We have 2 boys 8 and 4. His excuse is he’s tired from work so it’s a win win for him. Relax and “watch” them as well. Many fights have happened due to this
He sets the example for how they will treat others…shape him up or ship him out
Actions speak louder then words and what’s that sane a pictures speak a 1000 words some a video really puts things in to perspective! It’s one thing to share together and the delete when all is said and done but don’t be mad when he does it to you lol also if it is shown to anyone else that’s crossing a line
Well I’m gonna be the devil’s advocate- is this way he is ALL the time? Or just after working All day? I think we sometimes expect too much- maybe you should consider getting a part time job at night and let him take care if them a few nights a week - see how that goes- if he is attentive any other days so be it - plenty of dads aren’t like that - not sure if he was like that before?if so why would you have a second baby so soon??
You can’t change him. You can only change your own attitude about what he is doing.
I understand your sentiment, but recording someone without their permission–even with the best of intentions–is not right. You said you have had this talk with him many times before, so if those talks haven’t got your point across, then a video you make of him won’t either.
You are the only one that can change the situation. Either you put your foot down, saying he has to be involved or you leave. If you keep doing what you have been doing nothing will change. You’re not wrong for recording him to show him what he is doing. But, if he is upset and you try to make him happy, all you are doing is telling him it’s on. You have to be strong. You have to set rules and boundaries. You have to clearly state what the consequences will be if he does not follow through. Then you have to follow through 100%. There is no reason for his behavior. If you are cooking for him, there is no reason he cannot be watching the children.
Why are so many guys stuck in thin mind set? I hate this
Men are never wrong lol good luck!
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Just apologize for filming him. You can always have the conversation but I think it’s a work in progress. Things will improve with time.
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Y’all, he ain’t a woman. He a man. That’s how men watch babies. It’s not like the movies. Look at men hanging out. They literally sit there and move a character in a virtual world. They don’t coddle or coo. Yes, there are unicorns who will play with their kids, but they also come with their own kinda baggage. Please watch Kevin Hart’s bit on how men watch kids! Lol!!
My husband is a SAHD and I work and I know damn well when I come home I need a minute to relax. If he pulled this shit on me I would be pissed too.
No you weren’t. But anyone who is caught not doing what you’ve asked before is going to be defensive. Maybe bring it up again in the future. It really comes down to what he feels like is his role and what your role is. And that will be the struggle.
Depends on the state you live in. Some states it is illegal. Some states it is 100% okay. Do you live in one party consent? If so, you are fine.
No you are not wrong!
It does not matter if he’s the financial provider.
He needs to be a father as well, an active father at that
But… did the kids need him to be right there with them? Were they okay? Were they playing fine? Were they just having a grizzle when he said ‘no crying’… pick your battles.
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What are you doing right now ?
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I am going to break with just about everyone and say you were wrong, for one reason: what you did was never going to work, not with him or with most people. If someone talked to you several times about one of your behaviors, and you did not change or like what they were saying, catching them taping you to prove their point on the same topic, would likely anger you too. I would apologize, say I was absolutely wrong, then say ‘I am just a little disappointed because I thought you would be a more involved dad. If I have to accept this is who you are, and concentrate on the fact that you are a good provider I can do that, but if it is something else - are you exhausted, depressed? - then let me know.’ It is possible he will be a better more involved dad when the children are different ages. It is possible he will be a bump on a log and not that involved with the kids; but it is highly probable that you can’t change that by complaining, and you might also not be able to change it by offering help and support, but the odds are slightly better. I believe your current approach though is most likely to make things worse.
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We can choose to fight our hubbies or we can choose to view them as sufferers just like us.
For me, I chose to see that
- my hubby feels tired after a long day at work.
- With no specific instructions, he is clueless how to engage the kids so he would naturally choose to rest.
- Crying is not everyone’s favourite sound so of course he would only intervene if there’s crying.
To ensure your hubby is able to function as a fully capable partner, he needs to have his needs met (coffee or a ready-made snack to perk him up), and then specific instructions how to handle the kids (read them a book, play hide and seek, peekaboo, do colouring or art with them). Also bear in mind, what is engaging for you and kids may not be the same for hubby and kids. Both hubby and you need to sit down together and work out a list of what he would find enjoyable doing with the kids.
I hope you choose collaboration over the many suggestions for conflict in the comments section.
Marriage is hardwork. I wish you a meaningful and loving journey.
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Babes cry for a reason, so for him to say hey no crying, he isn’t listening or looking at their needs even if it is just a cuddle, your not wrong sometimes they carnt see what there doing, my husband works from 3am-2pm and still plays with the kids, cooks, cleans but it hasn’t been an easy time getting him involved, he didn’t know how to play or interact so I had to teach him, maybe do like we do and have phone free time where you both pop them in a drawer and no one goes on them until the kids are in bed?
Exactly why after 4 years of marriage my daughter refuses to have kids…
Some men think its a woman’s job
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