Hi there, I have a legitimate concern about my 2 almost 3 year old daughter. I've been her sole decision maker/ parent since birth, up until recently this summer, where her absent father wanted to take her during the summer.
We’re in the middle of an ugly court battle, but besides the point, there’s one thing that really concerned me.
My daughter has had a security item/plushie since she was 5 months old, and over the years had really grown attached to it.
Fast forward to this summer, she went 6 hour away to her father’s house to have a visit. When I got her back, they had taken her security item away from her, and replaced it with a cheap vending machine bear.
It was really concerning because if we had of forgotten to give it to her at bedtime, she would have an emotional breakdown. So for them to completely discard of it entirely, made me quite upset, nevermind not knowing how my young daughter reacted to that, as they literally removed her emotional support item.
I’ve done some research on early development and emotional attachment to items during early childhood, and it wasn’t surprising to find that having one was completely normal.
What do you think? Was it wrong of them to take it away from her? Anyone have experience with emotional attachment items?
Thank you
Around that age, time to get them ready for school, it is normal to take away or limit security items. Being a mom who did all of the school stuff, appointments, ect I get it can be scary but unfortunately coparenting has to happen. You could easily ask why it was taken. Explain the reason for you being upset, but it is the right age for it to be taken to prepare children to go places without their security objects. Coparenting will be hard, you wont agree all the time, but save your energy for something more important than a stuffed animal because there will be worse things that will come up more important and you do not want to tarnish a good coparenting relationship over a stuffed animal.
Sounds like it hurt you worse than it hurt her. You didn’t mention how she has done without it. Did they take it away…or did it get lost and them try to replace it. Does she care if it is a cheap vending machine bear? Or you do. Sounds like you are hard to deal with…don’t do that to.your daughter. The strife you create will affect the relationship between your daughter and her “absent” father. And right now you are losing your mind over a stuffed animal. Choose your battles.
Have you spoke to them regarding this, there maybe a honest reason on why it has been replaced, maybe it was lost when they went out, maybe it broke.
Its not uncommon for young ones to become attached to an item, but it is also not uncommon for that said child to become attached to a different item if they do not have the original.
Maybe they are trying to give said child a variety of things, something that they have brought her too. Maybe they are trying to make up for lost time.
We don’t know the full story so is hard for us to comment. But I would say your first point would be to speak to them to see if you can get a vetter understanding of why they have done it, don’t just assume it has been replaced as there may well be a valid reason.
I would think if they took it completely away on purpose, she would have been crying when she came home, but you never said that. So maybe it was lost, or maybe she forgot about it. And she got a new one to replace it, Again, it didn’t sound like she was a wreck when she come back home to you without it,
From the day I brought my daughter home from the hospital she had Elmo to carry around they were inseparable …one day last year she picks a random one eyed stuffed moose at of a random kids toy box…Elmo and her were no longer friends…now if she looses sight of moose …the world will suffer
I would’ve lost my shit because who are you to take anything from my child when you don’t even know her like that? Father or not. Blood doesn’t make a father and he was absent so I’m sure the relationship is not that solid yet. And I would have to be the one to deal with the breakdown every night when he isn’t around. Yeah, no thanks. My son is 7 and has had a security blanket his whole life, it’s raggedy but it makes him feel comfortable and on his own, he decided he wants to throw it away. When a kid is in a place where they don’t know anyone, that is the time they MOST want/need it. Your kid having a security item does not affect your daily life AT ALL so why are you going to disrupt the child? What is the point? What do you get out of taking it? It does no harm for a child to have a security item. He should be worried about building a relationship with his daughter, not an inanimate item she keeps near to her, that’s so irrelevant. Let a kid be a kid. I don’t think you’re wrong at all for feeling a type of way. Kids are humans too, when they’re ready they will do it, she will get rid of it when she is ready and that’s perfectly fine! Good luck momma!
So they took it away…to buy her a cheap vending machine bear…so they could listen to her scream all night for it and nobody rest??? Doesn’t seem like a likely story.She probably wasn’t attached to it as much as you were.
My daughter is nine and still sleeps with a care bear she got as a baby when she goes interstate to see family takes it with her, so I say yes it is wrong off them to take it from her
It doesn’t make sense for them to ‘take’ a comfort item and then replace it if they thought she didn’t need one.
It makes sense to replace one that was lost though.
Also, the fact that the item is cheap means nothing… except to you apparently.
Complaining about the monetary value of something that was given to your daughter is a tad snobbish.
First…I would ask why the item was replaced. My daughter switched out her “away from home at caregiver’s house” security stuffie at 2 because she got one for her birthday from her cousin…not any nefarious reason behind it at all.
Second…how is your child doing without said item? If she seems fine…I would not make a big deal over it.
I personally put restrictions on “comfort items” once the attachment seemed to be a constant need…because if that item gets lost/broken/etc, there is hell to pay. So there was a bedtime stuffie which was not allowed to leave her bed. Then there was the “away at a caregiver’s house” stuffie that stayed with the diaper bag or carseat at all times. Of course I also let her drag whatever toy of the day she wanted around until she was 3ish…so she was never attached to ONE thing.
It sounds like you’re being dramatic. As for the “cheap” toy they gave her, what are you, 10 years old? At least they tried. You did not hint that your daughter was upset over it. Sounds like you need to put your big kid panties on.
I don’t think it was his place to take anything away. You just come into the child’s life and now you want to call the shots? No. Enjoy your visits, create a bond and leave decisions up to mom.
If he truly is an absent father and has been with you solely since birth, I probably wouldn’t have sent her 6 hours away…. That was probably far more traumatic than the comfort item being taken
You honest sound petty, that her dad wants to be in her life and trying. Get over yourself, and let him be a father. At the end of the day, your jealous will hurt your guys child more than a new stuff animal.
Did she loose it or they left it some where or did he rip it from her while she cried. Those are different situations one calls for you to be mad one calls for you to be understanding and proud that she is doing ok with a replacement.
Dads time is dads time…moms is moms. You both lost the right to mind each others business when you parted ways. Its sorry cases when yous can’t co parent as easily as yous procreated
Did he tell you he took it away or did she lose it and they replaced it with something else? Unless he actually told you he took it away, you’re making assumptions based off your feelings towards him. It also doesn’t make sense that if he took it away, that he would replace it with something else.
I mean if she’s ok and isn’t having a meltdown without it, isn’t it actually a good thing? She was bound to have to leave it sooner or later, if they were able to do it without a big fuss then great
I for one would be pissed. My 7 year old has a support stuffie that she brings back and forth from mine and her dads house. The stuffies name is Samantha and she provides consistency to my daughter between both houses. Why would they discard it is my question? I would be demanding it returned to her. Some people may find this dumb. But that is important to my daughter, so its important to me.
I be bloody fuming!! I know how my little girl is with her teddy…what the hell!!! Poor little thing…they are only little once and to take something away from them that they love is just wrong.
It was probably more wrong to send your 2 year old 6 hours away to spend the night with a man she doesn’t even know, regardless of him being her father That aside, maybe she wanted the vending machine toy. Maybe you’ve made it habit for her to sleep with one specific stuffed animal. Maybe her being out of her element all together was confusing.
These are the people we have kids with. My babies father’s are pains in my ass but they would never… and if it were lost on accident, they would let me know so I could jump on ebay and replace it!
My daughters item was her crib quilt…I bought it with her crib set shortly after she was born (irrelevant but we were told she was a boy) she had it up until she was about 4 close to 5 and she told it everywhere. Daycare, church, you name it. She came back from her dad’s one weekend without it…said papaw threw it away. Dragging a blanket around for 4 years, you can imagine lol. She was heartbroken at first and it took a couple nights and a new blanket that she wasn’t as attached to. We all survived. There is hope. I wanted to put it up for her, but life happens.
How is she acting without it now? Is she sleeping fine? Did you ask questions of why? How’s she do? Can you have it?
While she appeared attached to the item at your house maybe she isn’t at his. My daughter has a blanket and would take it to dads when she was younger but she never used it there. While it’s normal for a child to be attached to an item I’ve yet had an adult tell me they’ve had lasting affects from an item being taken as a kid.
Why would they do something so cruel?
Make sure you write that down -
I would never allow my child to go 6 hours away from me with strangers - EVER!
Who knows what could happen, let alone how they treat her, if they can do something so heartless…
I mean you’re assuming an awful lot here. And I wouldn’t bring it up to her bc she’s obviously over it or would have said something. Unfortunately in split family homes, there is a lot of control you will have to learn how to relinquish or you’ll drive yourself insane. If you really just need an answer, text him and ask if it’s still there and if he can mail it to you. You’ll probably never know with 100% certainty what happened to it, so put your energy into the next thing. If he really threw it away out of meanness, he’ll probably do plenty else for you to document and use.
She may have been totally fine. She was in a new environment and may not have even noticed or minded much with all the other new things going on. Does she seem ok without it now that she’s back home?
Pretty sure there are other things to bitch at. Your just looking for an excuse for the kid not to see her father. If she’s fine without it, the. She’s fine… sounds like your the one who’s needs the emotional teddy bear
Sounds like they gave her a new one and didn’t actually take it away. but i would still be upset that they didn’t send the old one back with her because it has sentimental value.
I’m 32 and if anyone tried to take my Sugar Bear from me I’d literally fight them. I can’t even imagne how powerless and not in control your bebe felt. That’s so messed up. And like they didn’t even have a real reason bc they gave her something else…so it clearly wasn’t a “you’re to old for comfort items” deal …it was a “I’ma assert my power and ownership over you to prove a point regardless of your emotional well being” kinda deal.
My daughter would be absolutely heart broken if her blanket was taken from her. I would just ask why? Did they lose it? Don’t make it a huge problem but genuinely ask why.
Maaaaan im almost 25 with two kids and still have my stuffie from childhood its been with me everywhere even when I was in recovery after having my kids id be raging with them too
My grandbaby has a few that she’s super attached to. As she’s gotten older she hasn’t needed them as much. However, they are her comfort at bedtime still. I’ve known of adults who still have that special stuffy. I think I’d be upset if someone took my baby’s special something. Why take away the one thing that makes them feel secure?
Is she doing fine without it now?? If so, don’t push it back on her… to make YOU feel better!! Move past it, I know it’s hard, but she is becoming “a big girl”. Dad is a parent too… Don’t second guess his decision. There may be a day when he doesn’t agree with your decisions either. Don’t sweat the little stuff… You’ll have bigger battles to overcome in the future!!!
Oh, I would be completely livid. Both of my son’s have a security blanket, I have one from when I was a baby that I sleep with every night at 30 years old. You need to tell them to return her blanket or it will be war. My youngest, his blanket, he has a special corner and if we wash that corner he will literally be so sad and cry so I have a rule that no one can wash his blanket but us, and if my MIL decides too, which she has at least 3x when we have told her not too, she hears about it. You need to get that thing back. I bet they didn’t even throw it away. Who the * are they to do that?
My son has an elephant (he’s 7) I purchased one to leave at his dad’s house plus I have 4 extra at home. My son 100%can survive without it, but why force him to?
U people can make all the excuses u want but it still doesn’t make it right. Someone who is a complete stranger to her stole something from her. They stole from a freaking kid. How pathetic do u have to be to be ok with an adult stealing from a child
My daughter has a pink blanket she’s had since birth. She still loves the thing and takes it places. She’s almost 7. Someday I will take it and put it in her baby box so it don’t get ruined but she’s not ready. My youngest son has a bear I bought him in 2009. He still has it and takes it places and sleeps with it. It’s been thru hell and back. But he would be devastated if someone took it.
Control issue, or desperate attempt to be relevant in her life to make up for his lack of involvement, he figured he’d swoop in and cure the child from what he perceives as weakness, my guees is she’ll end up with more psychological baggage from exposure to him than she will from losing her blanky
They didn’t take it away from her, they replaced it with something more appropriate for her age. Stuff animals are more socially appropriate for her age as opposed to a baby blanket.
Kids don’t care if it’s cheap or brand name. They just know it’s comforting. If she’s happy, why press the issue. Sounds to me like your the one attached.
Was it lost by the child or taken away by the father. There’s a difference. If she’s happy ,more than likely She lost the toy not dad. Don’t stir up trouble where there is none. Do not teach her anger and resentment. She needs to learn peace so she can be a forgiving adult. Peace to you and yours. God bless.
It’s one of those things you will have to let go, she would be without her comfort toy if it was to get lost, they can parent her and do as they please while she is there, it’s something you will have to learn, that you have no control while she is at their house, you can tell them what you’d like, but its up to them if they follow it, as long as she isn’t in danger or unsafe, just move on.
He SHOULD have called you and talked any changes over since he gave up his ‘equal interest’ in the child and at the very least gave it to you….I’m 60 yrs old and still have things from my kids/grandkids growing up…they are irreplaceable keepsakes!!!
I had a stuffed dog from birth up until I was maybe 25 when I gave it to my mom for safe keeping.its wrong that they didn’t consult you on this at all, especially if what you say is true and this was the first time he’s had her for overnight.
My girls would have a melt down if didn’t have a blanket or stuffed animal whatever the security is my youngest if left at grandparents close by had to go back or they bring to don’t take away omg.
Sounds like you have more of a issue with it than the child does. Let it go. Be glad that he’s the one that talked her out of it saving you the grief and guilt of having to do it….it had to go eventually. Maybe she was having fun there and didn’t even need it. Don’t invite trouble and by all means don’t cause it. I’m thinking you’re a little jealous that she enjoyed being with Daddy
it was completely wrong for them to take it away, I think. he should’ve called and asked before he did that- as youve said before, he was largely an absent father until recently, so the way I see it he really doesn’t have a right to just do that.
granted it appears your daughter doesn’t have an issue, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t have one when it initially occurred. maybe talk to your daughter first about how she felt (if you’re able), and go from there.
I would tell them “hey looks like (child) left her (comfort toy) behind can you please mail it to her ASAP please?!” And then offer to pay for the transaction.
I’ll a grown woman with 6 kids of my own and I still vividly remember when I was 7 my dad’s girlfriend decided I was too big to have my security bear and blanket, I had since birth. She burned it in front of me. I didn’t even ‘use’ them anymore they just had their specific place at the top of my bed on my pillow when I made my bed and the rest of my animals lined the side and bottom of the bed. She didn’t care about any of my other hundreds of stuffed animals, just my baby stuff. Both irreplaceable especially the bear, it was identical to my brothers except his had brown eyes and mine had blue (like our eyes), my brother was separated from me and I only got to see him every like 5 years growing up since we both lived with our dad’s. Anyways GF said it was disgusting even though my Dad would wash them all the time but my other animals NEVER were washed EVER
I feel like you’re nitpicking because you said they took it in the summer but you haven’t given evidence of even one incident where it has negatively affected her. You’re projecting ideas onto the baby & situation. Sounds like the baby didn’t react to the toy being replaced at all. You’re just mad you had a baby by someone who wasn’t around in the beginning & popped back in.
I definitely think that since he hasn’t been in her life for over 2 years close to 3 years it sounds like, he probably didn’t know the sentimental value of the stuffy but should hv asked or at least give it back to you. Did she loose it or did he throw it away? There is a difference. But if she has moved on from it I would just do the same but talk to him and next time if she takes something with her tell him to keep it.
It sounds as if you have more of an issue with him/them replacing the item. Also you are quick to throw out there that you have been her everything and he/them are just now coming into the picture and having a nasty court battle. Obviously if the item was replaced this past summer and it is now the end of the year you are looking for something to be able to toss back into his/their faces. I get the feeling that he has moved on with another or new relationship and you have not. Don’t look for nit picky stuff to be mad at him for because your child will pick up on it and as years go by it will only hurt her
Pretty sure they wouldn’t want to deal with an "emotional breakdown " on purpose. Kinda leads me to believe that it wasn’t taken away intentionally. I mean, who would want to deal with an inconsolable child on purpose?
Are you sure they took it away and it wasn’t lost by accident on an outing or something?
Perhaps the new toy is the replacement because it was lost
Have you ever spoken to him about it? Or just assuming he took it
Absolutely they should have never that wasn’t their place and that is abuse my daughter now 10 has had the same blanket since she was about 6 months old is small ragged and a hot mess but she still has to have it and her Dino so Absolutely I would be livid and that is another thing I would mention to my lawyers ugh this makes my blood boil
You left out the most important information, what was her reaction to the bear?
Is your real issue that she no longer wants the blanket but a toy from a father she doesn’t get to see often which you consider ‘cheap’? If so let it be, having something from her father will give her comfort too.
My kids gave them up when they were ready. Each at a different age.
Yes it was traumatic when the middle child misplaced his stuffed animal… found again
That said, will dad be willing to listen. If not don’t risk losing her special thing. Ask if dad’s stuffed animal can be her special critter at dads house so critter will keep you from being lonely.
Just don’t endanger the critter. Or buy a second
Either way you can’t control what happens at dads unless it’s harmful to daughter
It’s okay to be uneasy having your little one far away. But if they were good to her, put on your best smile when she comes home
That aside, maybe she wanted the vending machine toy. Maybe you’ve made it habit for her to sleep with one specific stuffed animal. Maybe her being out of her element all together was confusing.
parenting
they should have never that wasn’t their place and that is abuse my daughter now 10 has had the same blanket since she was about 6 months old is small ragged and a hot mess but she still has to have it and her Dino so Absolutely