I don’t know what to do in this situation and need some advice. So my boyfriend and I have two girls together 6 and 2. well my family are not the best with communicating to make plans to see our kids but I call atleast once a week to make plans so I can see my nephew and they can see there nieces and grand daughter. Well my boyfriend is getting to the point of telling me to stop bringing our girls over there because my sisters and mom make no effort to see them on there own and never reach out to see how they are doing and what not. My boyfriend is telling me that I don’t have a say in this and that I should just be agreeing with him. is my boyfriend right? Should I stop reaching out to my family and let them figure it out for themselves?
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Yes I do agree with your Boyfriend. But he could tell you in a loving manner, he is just basically telling you to let your family reach out that isn’t right for you to always do it.
You need to think about what relationships should be to you. Should they be 50/50? One sided?
Honestly I agree with him. He could’ve said it differently or approached it differently.
The way you described it is a one sided relationship. That’s not right. Maybe test them. Don’t reach out and see if anyone is reaching out. That should give you your answer.
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I’m with him on this! I don’t play when it comes to my kids and I don’t do the in and out and when you feel like it! Family is important to me and who is in their lives! So nah they would you keep trying for folks that aren’t invested #period
You should never relent to those telling you what to do…ever. If he wants to have a discussion and voice his concerns that is different, but if he is outright telling you what to do then you need to reconsider your relationship because that is a huge red flag
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I can see his point but, the way he has said/communicated it is wrong. You don’t have to listen to him just because he is your Boyfriend/Partner and you do have a say as you are also their parent as well.
Him saying ‘you don’t have a say in this’ is controlling.
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I agree with his opinion. I do not agree with him demanding you to stop. That should be your decision on what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to put up with with your family
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You have the right to see them when you want but why can’t they come see you for a Change?
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Have you talked to your family about them reaching out to you first? Does it bother you or just your boyfriend?
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He doesn’t get to make the decision on his own but he does have a say bc they are his children. What he sees is you chasing a relationship with people who don’t care enough about you or yalls children. If they wanted to spend time with you they would make it a priority. Accept what they want from the relationship and move on. Stop trying to get them to live you guys. Idk he may be trying to “put his foot down” bc he sees you are struggling to accept the reality to the situation. I need more info about him before I’m just like he’s controlling.
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I do agree with your bf yah I’d make less of an effort and see if they still see my kids. If not that’s truly on then
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Shelyna Turpin these comments make me feel so much better that I’m not the only one putting my foot down with S/O family 
Okay, first things first, those children belong to BOTH of you and you BOTH have a say in what goes on with them. So he’s wrong there.
But, I do have to agree with him that you shouldn’t be the only one putting effort into those kids aunt and grandmother having a relationship with them.
I would take a step back and pay attention to how much effort your family puts in without you initiating it.
Relationships need to be two-sided. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is.
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Yes he is right… no long story… effort should be both ways
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Keep going to see your family as often as you can.
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I think you should stop making the effort in making plans I agree there, but I don’t agree with him telling you to just accept his way or no way they are both your children 50/50 all the way x
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I think that his opinion is understandable, as far as not continuing to put in more effort than they are willing to do, but he is wrong to say that you don’t have a say in that decision. That’s something for the two of you to discuss, not something he gets to just decide on his own. I also think you guys should communicate with your family and make them aware of your feelings before deciding to cut them off. If you make them aware and they still don’t put in an effort, then it isn’t fair to you or your children.
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What other things does he do to try and control you? Doesn’t sound right to me, but the circumstances as you put aren’t quite clear. Be careful letting anyone tell you when you can see your family. It sounds like this isn’t a YOU issue.
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Punishing your family or trying to teach them a lesson will take away from your kids. Communicate with your family but don’t take your kids away from them or them away from your kids if other than scheduling problems that’s all there is. If everything is good otherwise just communicate it. If you have more opportunities to go there than they do that’s pretty normal. That’s how it is with me and my sister she’s a stay at home with more flexibility and I work full time. She mainly makes the plans or just comes over or tells me to come over. 
I get the frustration, think it through. No one is here forever and anything could happen to any of us at anytime that would take us out. Is arguing with your family about scheduling amd keeping your kids from going really worth it in the long run?
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They wouldn’t be able to if you’re calling every week….
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Don’t let him isolate you from your family. Maybe your family has formed a habit, knowing you do the planning, etc. While it isn’t ideal, it is what’s happening. Express that to your family, but don’t stop taking them. Your kids are yours as well and you’re allowed to disagree.
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I wish I could help but I’m not one who allows people to tell me what to do when I’m grown. Also, I can see what you mean. It’s not your nephews fault so you’re trying to make sure he knows he’s cared for and loved. That’s awesome! Your kids deserve to know their cousin as well.
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If your family doesn’t want to make the effort I would stop till they do. Don’t stop going to see them. When you do go see them take the kids with you. But don’t go out of your way to make the plans. Your guy could have said it differently to where it didn’t sound so mean. But he is right.
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do what’s in your heart. the right thing.
Well they are your kids to so u do have a say! I have issues in my family also similar to this. For the people that don’t show up for my kids ( when I say show up I don’t only mean physically) I try my hardest to not say anything negative about them in front of the kids because they will know when they get older who was there and not and they can decide what relationship they want with those people! Whether it’s right or wrong I don’t know!
You’re kidding, right? Red flags all over the place - RUN
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I mean, if there’s already a routine of you calling and setting up plans every single week, I don’t see where they really need to reach out and ask. You guys seem to have an unspoken understanding. He doesn’t get to be the only one making decisions for the kids.
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Sounds like you’re the only one making an effort & your boyfriend is tired of it. Maybe he could have approached the issue differently but he isn’t wrong. Stop reaching out & see what happens.
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Red flag! You absolutely have a say he isn’t the boss of you.
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You sound easy to manipulate cause read what you said, he trying tell you to STOP talking to YOUR family. Do you not know he’s trying isolate you from them. Now what I can say he right on, if my people don’t ask bout my kids I wouldn’t be so thirsty to bring them over every week. Or keep calling them I think that’s right. But that don’t mean stop talking to them all together. Always talk to your family. Maybe voice those concerns to them cause I would feel some typa way too if I never seen my wife family ask about my kids but you’re always calling checking on them
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No your bf doesn’t have this right! Don’t let him make this decision for you & your kids.
#1 his explanation is BS. You’ve always called & made plans. It could be that you have a tighter schedule or they don’t like dealing with him or whatever other reasons. But this is how it’s always been. Unless you change it & tell them you want/need them to reach out more then this is how it is.
#2 the “you don’t have a choice in this. You should just agree with me” statement makes him controlling. He likely controls much of your life. Think about it do you need his approval to do things? Does he make you feel like things are your fault when they’re not (gaslighting)? Does he belittle your actions, choices, feelings? Does he control the money?
Isolating is just another form of control. Once he achieves isolation he’ll become physically abusive. There’s nobody to see the bruises or for you to run to get away from him.
Instead of cutting off contact with your family ask them their honest opinions of him. Often family & friends see emotional abuse before the victim does. They are just unsure because you’re not complaining about it.
Well he can’t demand anything they’re your kids too. Everyone’s family is different. You said yours isn’t good at communicating to make plans, neither is mine. We all get busy and sometimes schedules just don’t match up. How is your relationship with your family? Does it bother YOU that you make the plans? If you’re the planner of the family why does it matter if everyone is spending quality time together? It could easily be that they already expect to see them because you make plans to do so weekly
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Your family, your decision. Major red flags he would tell you that you “dont have a say” in anything! Just know…you ALWAYS have a say.
Edit to add: also, have you ever talked to you family about feeling like things are one sided? Maybe if you express how you feel they will make more of an effort?
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I don’t think he’s wrong for saying the effort should be mutual. However, you both should have a day & come to a mutual agreement.
I wouldn’t reach out if they can’t be bothered to make an effect then either am I.
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How do YOU feel? If you’re okay with being the one to reach out, what’s the problem? Maybe they don’t realize that’s the dynamic because you’re always reaching out. If YOU have an issue, I’d bring it hip to them and ask them to initiate contact or have a plan to rotate the responsibility of planning. If you’re not bothered it’s not for him to manage your family dynamics. Sounds controlling. Beware of men who try and distance you from your family.
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Dump him he’s a control freak
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Your relationship with your family seems distant. I myself would say, “hey the road goes both ways!”
My opinion, he’s wrong in telling you that you don’t have a say in it but absolutely not wrong in wanting you to stop being the only one to put in the effort. It’s a two way street and can get exhausting being the ONLY reason your child/children have a relationship with some family members.
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Ask ur self this - what is best for my kids? Than thats ur answer. Whats best, (in most cases) is to have ur kids see their family as much as possible. Bf needs to take his pride out of the equation. Should grandparents make a effort to see their grandkids? Sure. But as long as those kids get a relationship with them in some way, whether its cuz u put in the effort or they do, is what matters cuz they wont always be here
My kids Grandma on their dad’s side is nonexistent basically. Likes the posts I share on Facebook but nothing otherwise. I used to get angry about it but now not so much. She’ll bury herself in regret. Not my problem
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alienating from family- I’d tell him to push off. They’re your kids and your family. If you start giving him his way now, there WILL be more red flags. This is a test- I wouldn’t hang around for the final exam
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His delivery was wrong but I agree with him 
my MIL would see her other grandson every week but It was always me making plans for her to see my kids/bringing them to her and if I didn’t do that she didn’t see them
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Never isolate yourself from your family. If you are fine with maintaining the relationship then you do what you feel is best. He can disagree you aren’t asking him to do anything. If your family and your kids relationship is fine then he can leave it alone. You don’t have to agree with anyone if you don’t.
You should do what you’re comfortable with, not what he tells you to do
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I agree that if they don’t make an effort then whenever you do see them it’s just to say they were there or they did it. I’ve learned that when the effort isn’t reciprocated then you need to let them go, because they’re just living off what you do for them.
Some people aren’t good at reaching out, so no he’s not right. It’s YOUR family and he needs to respect that. He’s not their dad or your husband.
You are a grown adult, boyfriends don’t get to control you and your choices.
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Hell to the no he isn’t right.
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I mean, it’s up to you. Do you enjoy seeing/speaking to your family? Do you want to stop “reaching out” to them? If not, then don’t. If you do, then do, it isn’t up to him, it’s up to you.
You do have a say, it’s your family and your children. But I agree that you shouldn’t be the one doing all the running.
#1- hes not wrong. Do not go out of your way to put people on your kids lives who wouldn’t stop by for 5 seconds while actively passing by your house to even say hi. You don’t have to make all of the effort. If they wanted to, they would. Period. You’re only teaching your kids that it’s okay to go above and beyond for people who won’t go 5 feet for them.
#2- if you feel so Strongly about it. Do what you want. Hes a boyfriend, and not your dad. He can’t really tell you what you can and can’t do. That’s your fight to have if you want to. You do have a say but again, hes not wrong in what hes saying about the whole situation. It’s one sided and toxic to show your kids.
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That’s called isolation honey.
Big red flag…… and not ok!!!
Keep seeing your family no matter what!
Nope. Don’t do that ever. He’s trying to isolate you.
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Your boyfriend is right. If your family wanted to see you and the kids they would ask. Since they don’t that tells me they have no interest. Stay away until they ask for you to come around
You are doing nothing wrong
No, he’s not right. Back in my day (Gen X) we saw our grandparents when our parents took us over there and on holidays.
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Very interested to know other ways he tries to control
You. . RED FLAGS every thing you write
I can understand his frustration. When members of your family aren’t making the effort to see your kids it gets disheartening. And they should make relationships with those kids at priority, coming to see them or meeting up at a park, what have you. If they have not ever tried I’d say let them make the effort and see if they do. If not ask them why…and say hey we’d appreciate you guys taking the lead on play dates or time spent for a while.
seems like they are used to you reaching out and maybe expect it now…Don’t lose your family over this you will regret it
Can you not think for yourself? If he asked you to jump off a bridge would you
I agree with him, he just could have phrased it a little better.
This is why men think we’re weak
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You do what you want. He’s not your boss
Kinda depends on how they interact with the girls and you. How well do they treat you guys. From your post, sounds like he may be controlling some and they may not want to go over there because of him. Whatever the case may be, don’t let them talk bad about him in front of the kids.
YOUR BOYFRIEND is the reason why they don’t reach out. You are in a toxic abusive relationship. Pack your stuff and go home with your kids it’s only gonna get worse
He’s not right - but he’s also not wrong if it’s true.
From an emotional and psychological standpoint: if their behavior is affecting the kids or him, they need to fix it ASAP.
If he’s not accurately telling the facts tho: then that’s isolating you all from your side of the family, which is a major red flag.
You ARE the other parent bc- you WILL ALWAYS get a say no matter what he’s telling you.
My advice: assess the actual situation for what it is.
If he’s presenting them correctly, tell your family changes are needed effective immediately. HE needs to feel more included, and WE need (the family) to feel more included as well with invites, etc.
If he’s not presenting them correctly: these are two huge red flags, and I would reassess your relationship.
I mean they should be 10000% be reaching out too. Why are you wasting your time doing it all? My ex husband’s parents and sister don’t ever ask about their grandson/nephew and I don’t call with updates if they wanna be involved they’d reach out.
I personally wouldn’t take my kids somewhere where I had to make all the effort to see them. If they could care less, why should you and I agree with the boyfriend stop taking them over there
Ditch your boyfriend
As he will get more demanding
Don’t let your daughters grow up believing it’s normal
Honestly it sounds like either both your boyfriend and your family is toxic as s*** or he’s trying to convey that you should have boundaries for yourself and put zero effort into having somebody else see your kids when they don’t put the effort to see your family.
Since he is not your husband, he has no right to tell you what to do. He could take off any time, and your family would be there to help you raise your children. Use your head and stay close to your family.
Yes and no. It’s not your responsibility to make sure they have a relationship with your child. His opinion is definitely understandable and he’s probably more upset about it because of how the girls would feel.
I agree with him. I used to bust my ass Making sure ppl seen my kids with no effort on thier part I stopped and they barely see my kids anymore and my kids see that they don’t make plans ever not made. I would not stop visiting all together especially your nephew but me personally would start picking up my nephew and bringing him and my kids to the park or something to spend time with just him until your family starts stepping up. However indont agree with him telling you that you have no say so in it.
Well, he is wrong for telling you that you have no say in a situation. Giant red flag 
Also, not really enough info here to conclude too much about your family.  Maybe they are used to you reaching out every week so they automatically know that you are going to… My mother is really really busy taking care of my grandmother and she knows that I will reach out to her every week and ask what day is good for us to come over and visit. it’s just an understood thing. How do YOU feel about it?
That’s how abusers isolate you. Major red flag!
So that is up to you. I have a daughter from a past relationship and she dose not know who much if her dad side of the family as they never contact me to see her she made see two of her great aunts and that is it her own grandparents don’t ever bother to as about her. So i put no effort in as they do the same. It there lose as she may have her days but she s good kid.
You don’t have to do what he says….
Hes right, but don’t tell him…he doesn’t sound nice
He is 100% correct!
If they wanted to see your girls, they would make more of an effort.
My kids have no clue who my husbands side of the family is because they make zero effort to see them. Whereas my family comes over at least once a week just to see the kids
Stop calling to arrange the play date and see if they call you.
If it wasn’t a conversa between the two of you and you came to that agreement then it’s wrong. The kids are BOTH of yours. Not just his. If it were a safety issue that you were unaware of I’d say listen. But it’s your family, and if you are ok with being the one who makes primary contact and plans then it shouldn’t be an issue. If the kids haven’t voiced an issue with them not reaching out then it shouldn’t be an issue. I’d want to know what his issue is and why he feels the way he does and then address it. Putting aside personal feelings so your kids can have a relationship with their family members is what parent do(again with the exception of harmful or abusive behavior of course). I drive an hour one way so my daughter can have a relationship with her great grandparents. My dad can’t drive so I drive or coordinate with other family members who work closer to wear he lives to arrange transportation so he can come visit and go to her soccer practices. I coordinate and drive and call and text and do all the things so she has a relationship with everyone who cares for her. I refused to be the reason she missed out on spending time with them. If your boyfriend wants to be that person that’s on him and the kids will resent him for it and they may resent you for letting him block that relationship.
No, that’s weird. Sounds like he’s trying to isolate you from your family, which is a huge
Do your children enjoy spending time with their cousins and aunts/uncles? If they do I say keep on doing what your doing. It’s for the kids.
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You can’t force someone to be in your kids lives. And that’s what is happening when you make the plans. The family doesn’t make the plans, doesn’t call, doesn’t try, doesn’t show up on their own. My grandma is 78 and I have a ten yr old. My dad bent over backwards when I was growing up to make sure my grandparents saw me because they never made the effort on their own. When my son was born I bent over backwards too. Called Avery few days to see how they were, update them on their only grandchild (me) and only great grandchild (my son). Ok went to see them. I made it happen. After two years of zero initation on their part I stopped. I just didn’t call or go visit. Finally she called and said are you dead and I said no, but I do see the phone goes both ways and that they do know how to call people. And I explained why I went radio silent…it took her two months to make the call to see if we were dead. They Made the effort for a little while then quit again. So I didn’t start up. But I did send a card saying either you are consistent or you are non-existent, you decide. And they have gotten better over the years. My son is ten now and they call for birthdays, first days of school, send him cards and mail because he likes the mail. And he is a big football fan so my grandpa will call before our game once in awhile and make a root bear bet and play checkers when they do get together. They had never spent a holiday with my son but this year at Thanksgiving I threw a fit about how he has never seen them for a holiday and it’s disrespectful…so they came and for Christmas and they are coming for Easter. Sometimes you have to stand your ground and sometimes they wake up and make the effort and sometimes they don’t but then you know where you stand. I watched my dad beat himself down trying to make them be involved and they never tried and I wasn’t doing that to myself or my child.
I agree with him. He could’ve said it in a nicer way but he has a point. You should stop reaching out to them and have them reach out to YOU.
They will notice your absence and reach out to you. If they ask what happen you can say u were busy or simply tell them that you wanted to see if they would reach out since it seems like you only do so.
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Forks on the road:
Does it bother you that they don’t reach out? No? Then tell him it doesn’t bother you and once it does you’d understand but every family had someone that keeps the ball moving. Yes? Then take a step back and appreciate him looking out for your well being, while also trying to stimulate communication and explain how the approach could’ve been less demanding/controlling.
Ultimately he seems to be protecting your feelings, but their your feelings. It’d up to you.
Okay , I agree to am extent . I agree that maybe you should stop reaching out as your family doesn’t seem to have a desire to see them . But your boyfriend could have said it differently , because you BOTH have a say in this
I see his point but the way he’s going about it trying to tell you what to do is wrong. I don’t put any effort into family who doesn’t even ask about or message about the kids. He should of said it differently
Well…you Do have a say in who you choose for a “Boyfriend”
Tell that man if he wants to control anything he can start by controlling himself.
Get out now. It’s only going to get worse.
Well he’s wrongs for saying that you don’t have a say. I feel though he’s fed up seeing you always trying and nobody else. I used to do that with certain family members also and my husband used to ask me why I get so upset that they don’t bother and would tell me there the ones missing out. It hurt for sometime but I finally gave up and my kids are older and know who was there for them
He’s wrong in the way he said it but I agree with him. When my girls were little I got tired of being the one always reaching out to both sets of grandparents to see them. I stopped making the effort to go over there. They made absolutely no effort to see my girls. Their choice. So they saw them occasionally like, holidays. I was over it.
Anyone who tells you your opinion does not matter and you should just agree with them is the biggest red flag
I wish a “ boyfriend “ would tell me wtf I can and can’t do 
The both of you have a say so in it. But I’m surprised you haven’t figured out the family thing by now, anyone who wants to be in your kids lives is a privilege. It’s not all on you to make arrangements for your family to see those girls. If they don’t call and ask I wouldn’t go. It’s not fair and it ain’t right. If people don’t call and ask, don’t go.
Red flag. He has no right to control who you see or don’t see. Stand up for yourself.
Life is too short for BS…keep taking your kids there as always. If I had not driven 38 miles every weekend my kids would not have known their cousins and be so close as they are all adults today.
I wouldn’t keep reaching out, the road goes both ways, stop calling and reaching out…… just to see if they would notice and reach out to u…….
He has a fair point. If my girls father my ex now if he didnt take them to he’s mother’s house the rest of he’s family wouldn’t see them they don’t even call r ask how they r they lucky they see them tbh. Cos if sumthing happens to him I will definitely not be taking them their.