My daughter is 12 she’s always followed my rules and been very trusted.
A couple weeks ago she asked if she could hang out with a couple girls (sisters 13&14) walk around town (not a big town at all) I talked it over with my husband and we agreed after rules were put in place. I planned to pick her up after 2 hours roughly. Said I’d call her.
Fast forward…. Hung out with them again…. She was having issues with her phone. I took it and obviously went through it. I found pictures of my daughter vaping in our bathroom along with a couple other places. A condom she took a picture of saying she just had sex (not true) she told me she got it from the nurses office (okay I’m fine with that). She however won’t tell me where she got the vape… I’ve looked for it multiple times.
The bigger issue is Monday (because her phone has been taken) her friend calls me to tell me my daughter missed the bus because someone took her backpack - I replied with I’m on my way have her meet me at Dunkin (places to sit)
I get there… she is there with friends. Looked my kid dead in the eye and said where was your backpack? All 3 girls start laughing so I knew I was lied to.
I gave my kid a look and said I don’t think any of you are funny at all let’s go. My kid was embarrassed! And knew I was pissed. Once in the car she was like thanks mom - I said you lied to me and that’s one thing I do not allow! And I promise you that you will not be allowed to hang out or do anything with these girls again.
I’ve already taken her phone… given more chores… bed time is earlier
But she really doesn’t seem to care.
What can I do at this point?
I’ve also told her if she doesn’t tell me who gave her the vape I will be contacting parents/school/friends.
Imo the punishments dont fit the crimes. More chores and things that dont apply will only make her rebel harder. Be careful mom, she will only get better at hiding if she doesnt feel safe to confide. I’m not attacking you by saying this, just giving my opinion.
I was this kid, good luck. Cause my mom left me with nothing but a Bible in my room 
. One day I figured out how to keep lying to get around everything. Then one day I just mellowed out 
. I got it all out my system I guess lol
Ask her why. Be consistent with whatever you decide.
I would sit her down and explain to her how you are hurt that she broke your trust and lied and let her know that you love her and want her safe and want her to make good choices and also let her know she is human and makes mistakes and that I’d why there are consequences to her actions.
The more you push and embarrass and look for answers the more she will push against you and neither one of you will win that’s for sure.
When I wasn’t allowed to hang with a friend that was going downhill I just lied and said I was with other friends. It wasn’t until I started getting the guilty by association reputation that I seen it for.myself and stopped hanging with her. Some things they gotta go through to get through the other side… its hard. I’m dreading the day my girl turns teen… 
Sit her down tell how disappointed you are in her is there anything you want to discuss to me as your mother go from there as something she may hate to ask but given chance would and doing more chores is not going to solve this so see where she is coming from with this behaviour
I’ll probably get bashed and honestly I don’t care…I gave in and bought my daughter one. She’s almost 17. They’re going to find a way to get what they want, and after she told me several girls passed theirs around (with their germs) in the bathroom, I gave in
U start ringing her friends parents she won’t have any friends and will get hidings and be dubbed the nark ! Make her punishments harsher
Think back to when you were a teen, were you always honest with your parents? If you keep pushing, she’s going to push back & then things may get more out of hand. I do believe she should have consequences, but telling her you’ll go to the school, other girls parents is only going to make her NOT trust you.
It seams that there was not that much trust between you two , if she has to go hide things and lie about it , first of all always talk not yelling or embarrassing her in front of anyone, make sure when you talk you let her know she could come to you or her dad for everything no matter how bad it was or is, ( start with a exercise tell her something you did as a teenager that you haven’t told anyone and let her tell you something that no one knows about and once she does tell you don’t react just be there for her — maybe do that on Sundays so you both will start the week off great the more she can trust you the better---- FYI Don’t take away from her and leave her nothing that’s so wrong —
Good luck is all I have to say . It only gets worse
12 year old girls are just delightful. Good Luck!
I also went through this with my son at 13yrs but I just asked questions everyday like there was no tomorrow and I still do but it’s up to you Mom to keep her on the right track and possibly offer her some therapy and dig deeper into her anxiety she might need to be seen and go from there… Best of luck to u both 
Ground her a$$ (no tv, friends, mall, electronics etc) till she tells you who/where she got the vape! Home school her. Tough love because if this is at 12 by 16 she’ll be pregnant and smoking weed! Remember you are her mother NOT her friend! Good luck
Continue with the talks. Tell her you love her as much as possible and see if she would like to talk to a trusted family friend or grandparent. My daughter is in counseling and it has been helping. She is 14. She changed right after her 13 birthday. She is doing pretty good now, but last year was really hard. The harder you push the harder She will.
I raised two children (alone basically)
I taught them from early on that they can tell me/talk to me about anything… no matter what. (Not easily done either, I tell ya!)
We even had a code word that ment I was to pick them up asap…if they felt unsafe
/trouble was soon to happen etc
Talked myself blue in the face explaining how to be a good friend (but not just following)/what a good friend would and wouldn’t do.
When you picked up your daughter, she said
Thanks Mom…being sarcastic or was she really relieved you were there?
All you can do is be open and honest with her about the things you did at her age and explain to her why these things are not cool even though they are portrayed as “cool”. Kids listen to reason when they want to and other times they will keep rebelling no matter what you do but all you can do is be the best mum you can be to your daughter. Show her you can be her best friend, be her shoulder, be there whenever she needs big or small and honesty will come. It takes time and a whole lotta damn patience but it will pay off if persistent at the right times.
Goodluck mumma x
My son had an issue with this. I did not care what his friends thought. Nor what anyone else thought. I would never buy a vape for my kid ever. Once he realized I was not messing around he began to talk. Vaping was happening in the locker room I went right to vice Principal principal and the football coach they had literally people standing outside that locker room every time I went to practice once I said something
That’s a kid being a kid, the average kid experience these things growing up. And plus a kid that has rules to go by and the parents that think they are controlling their kids from the bad people, those kids are the sneaky ones.
Sounds like her friends are douchebags and don’t want her around so they called you to get her. Sorry but why would her friends call and tell you she lost her backpack so you show up where she was. Sounds like she is not their friend and they were laughing at her not you and the situation. Maybe approach like that? Your daughter just learned that her friends are not her friends and she has her mom coming down on her too. Your daughter is probably devastated. And the vape pen, most likely was a friends that they were passing around. Not hers. She was just trying to be cool with her friends. If I were you, I’d hug the shit out of her. Take her for ice cream or nails or something and just love her. Being 12 is fucking harsh. Compassion and love is the only way.
Follow thru, what you allow will continue. Your on the right track it sounds like to me just make sure you follow thru with what you say.
What was in the vape go to the vape store and they have nicotine witch if you get ito. Your hands is like bad for you then they have stuff called bubble gum and like that for taste I got this stuff to get you son off of cigarettes and it made him sick. You are in for much more then this HORMONES. Some times you end up putting them on a low dose antidepressant during the teen years. One moms daughter climbed out the window and met some guys Look out for tin foil pieces and cellophane drug paraphanalia in the years to come I’m not kidding she don’t think like you she wants friends her world is her friends she wants to belong your hurting her world she will rebel make her join track or somthing kids that do sports are usually better and she may get better friends any way it will keep her busy Make sure if she gets her period that you give her midol or all hell may break loose Hormones
I cannot stand my kids lying to me. I always say the truth is better than a web of lies. Make her cut contact with the friends. I caught my 14 year old with a vape. I went mad she had 6 nose bleeds in 2 months and I couldn’t understand why until I found out about vape that 8 months ago she’s never had a nose bleed since. Kids will push boundaries but in my eyes. They are my children. I make these rules to protect them and there health. A social worker I work with told me kids are now putting spice in vapes to.
I’d very carefully pick your battles. Put your seat belt on if in for one hell of a ride. Find an alcoholic beverage you like, because your going to need it lol
I.have not had this issue with my 13 year old daughter…but I have however with my other daughter older now.
They won’t tell you can threaten all you want but they won’t tell! If she does tell it will be a lie. Truth is I am going through this same thing but for at least 6 months now. She stole her grandmas car and got DAEP for smoking weed in the bathroom. Get her in some counseling now or it will get worse. Kids don’t know how to cope and express feelings and parents are not who they want to talk to.
Such a very hard age.
Take her damn door off her room, no phone, take everything except her bed and cloths out of her room. When she learns how to respect you and be honest she can slowly earn one thing at a time back. We were all kids and I may have snuck things time to time but never would I have dis respected my mom like that. She taught me the hard way and she ALWAYS followed through. As a kid you’ll learn what consequences are worth and it ain’t much!
I was this child but a far lot worse than you stated in post. Now mum of 15 & 8 yr old girl. My 15 yrs old has been an absolute angel thro teens. Key to this was try not make mistakes my mum did. This age hormones are flying. Peer pressure is rife. Dont go to hard on her with punishments. I finally chilled once my mum stated listening more. Once dad left home. we sat and talked a lot more. We went out more, I even got myself a job on Saturdays, went bk to school. I’ve always stopped what doing when kids come down. They get full attention at kitchen table or they wonder in randomly, They usually need a chat.
Make her respect you. U deserve respect u are a parent first a friend second
It’s called that’s how they are when their 12 and have fallen into the wrong crowd…just going to have to watch her like a halk.
First she shouldn’t be hanging out with those girls. She needs to be able to take responsibility for her own actions and be able to say no even when she’s around something she shouldn’t be doing. However, most children are not capable of that, he’ll many adults aren’t. They don’t know how to cope, how to deal with peer pressure, and they have a desperate need for acceptance. She know the difference between right ans wrong, she’s choosing wrong and she knows it.
Second. Make sure she knows that you love her regardless of her choices. But tou are her mother not her friend. Your sole responsibility is to teach her how to be a good person and keep her alive. Beyond that she isn’t owed anything. Beyond necessities everything else should be earned by good behavior, good choices, and being honest. She does not NEED a cell phone, computer, or fancy things. She is not owed that.
Third. Make sure you continue to talk to her. Keep that communication open. Continue to try and guide her. Eventually she may start opening up again. Maybe not now. May not next year. Maybe in adulthood. But one day she will realize that everything you did and continue to do is out of love.
I’m going through it now and have been qith my 14 year old. She has no cell phone. Is currently homeschooled. And is monitored when she is on any electronic device. She is not hanging out with anyone and is strictly supervised. I went to extremes because she went to extremes. Her choices have consequences, whether good or bad. Dishonesty, sneaking around, bad grades… those are things that have negative consequences. Just as well as she could have positives. She has a car sitting in the driveway that her father and her had rebuilt for her… she’s not getting it. Hell I’ll keep it until she’s an dull before she gets it I really don’t care. We go above and beyond as parents providing more for our children than we had. One day she will see what you do for her and why.
Oh man she is definitely hanging out with some really horrible girls ! Stand your ground and also be loving.
Well, I guess my son was just a different breed. His friend that lived down the street, talked him into sneaking out one night. They were trying to steal a van, and neither of them had driving license. The other boys mama, called me at 2am, and told me, my son was at her house, what he had done, and she was sending him home. His daddy and I were waiting for him. He lost any and all privileges. He lost his bedroom door, and I can’t really remember what else, but he straightened up…
Bed on floor door off hinges everything out of room
Follow through with everything you said and all consequences.
Your daughter is 12. Sometimes kids will ask if they can do something ,they want you to say no. At 12 it is your responsibility to take care of her. Ground her and stay on it . She will thank you later
She is a teenager. Sometimes when you are too harsh, she will only just rebel.
Best advice I have is to advise her against making bad choices.
Set boundaries but don’t smother her or else she’ll rebel hard when she gets a few years older and make worse mistakes.
She’ll have to experience the real world consequences of her actions for it to really click.
I think you’re being too strict and risk pushing her away.
Keep in your mind and heart the knowledge we didn’t have a pandemic when we were kids. But kids have been getting pregnant at 14 since forever and a day ago.
It is very important you encourage safe sex before she has sex and praise her for having protection and ask if she has questions and leave those lines of communication open.
She needs a phone. You can restrict adult content on the internet but I believe tracking location should be left until emergencies or missing child situations not used to track the child. It’s positively orwellian how we are controlling and restricting kids.
I really just want to warn you against moralizing or being an autoritarian at this age it alienates young people. Do you want to generally know where she is and keep her safe? Plan now the new relationship going forward were she is a 13, 14, 15 then 16 year old who can come to you if her boyfriend is pressuring her into sex or into unprotected sex. Your daughter should come to you first and still think of you as the safest person, not the executioner of punishments, her gaoler, her opponent, that old square who doesn’t want her to vape. I get why you don’t want her to vape. Meditate on tolerance acceptance and reverse psychology
because it’s a very fine art to keeping your kids close to you and coming to you and confiding in you and having reasonable adventures for their age. Once you put it in their heads its a power struggle you can make you kid fall flat by engaging in a tug of war where You pull towards everything you think is good and your Daughter just aims to do the opposite of what you want. Because you set up a tug of war and she’s younger and has more energy she’ll win. (ie just do progressively more grown up things too young and be pregnant and hate you by 19)
A vape isn’t hard to get. I promise. 90 percent of stores don’t card and if they do they’ll find someone of age to buy it. She’s not doing drugs, drinking, or harming anyone including herself. I know she’s being defiant and disrespectful. But, most children at this age will shut down and rebel if you push too hard on them.
Meet her halfway when you CAN. I was the jerk teenager too i didnt respond well to forcing things. I chose to pick battles with my sons. Ff to now. They are usually here at home with me now instead of running around getting in trouble with other teens. Try to put your focus on preparing her for life not just controlling her. She will prob continue to be in control too if you dont try to compromise. My mom/me went round/round it accoplished NOTHING. Being a teen has embarrassing struggles/you also have struggles as parent so meeting halfway would prob be a win/win.
The more you tell her not to do things, the more she’s gonna try to do them. Maybe try talking to her and understanding her instead of jumping right to punishing. My mom was the same way you are, and I was the same as your kid…I promise you, my mom being hard on me did NOT help, the family that tried to understand WHY I was acting out and help me without putting me down were the ones that helped pull me through it but most of it I had to learn on my own and I’ve spent many years resenting the way my mom handled things as I grew up
I know this is endless but here are lots of ideas.
You need to talk to her and explain that these girls are not her friends, that they are just using her and laughing at her, not with her. It’s hard when she feels like she is finally one of the “cool kids.”
Let her know that if she tells you the truth she won’t get in trouble, but if she lies she will. Follow through. Don’t lecture. Really listen to her, empathize and ask thoughtful questions vs. telling her what she should do. What happens when…, Why do you think these girls do …? What do you think are the positives and negatives are of being friends with these girls? Do you know about the risks to health and the costs involved when you smoke/vape? Let’s Google that info. How do you feel when people lie to you? What makes a good friend? Sex can be fun if you’re old enough but awful and physically and emotionally painful if you’re not. What are some ways you can avoid getting raped?
This is a REALLY CRITICAL age for the next few years and can affect her life forever. Educate yourself on the best ways to effectively parent through this minefield (libraries and librarians are great resources), and surround her with good adult role models she can talk to when she doesn’t want to talk to you. BTW, have heard great things about books “The Care and Keeping of You” for younger and older girls. Read it alone or together and answer any questions honestly.
Get her involved in healthy activities where she can make better friends. Sports, scouting, church/other religion—or explore a bunch of religious traditions together including Bhuddism and Taoism, which can help with becoming more peaceful and can coexist with western religious traditions. How about art, dance, ice skating. cooking or baking? She might feign boredom and roll her eyes to be doing stuff with mom, but trust me, these will become cherished memories of time spent with you and on the inside she is having fun.
I’d say take the phone and have her not hangout. Don’t over do the discipline as it will jusy make her rebel worse. She is starting to be more grown up and honestly this world has places a shit path before our kids who are becoming teens on their way to young adults and so on. I’d take the phone download this app that let’s you see what she is doing on it who she talks to etc and don’t keep it a secret. Some may disagree but maybe go online and pick some articles that you think will make her aware that human trafficking is a real think, long cancer and other effects from smoking are real things. And also some articles about how hard it is to be a mother in the sense you don’t want them to not enjoy their l8ves but you don’t want to loose them or them loose themselves in the process. Pretty much don’t let her be sitting there cut off from something that is truly a real addiction just as meth and any other drug is by taking her phone (I agree with taking her phone I’m not saying give hit back some can continue her shit I’m saying secure it better app locks are another good tool.) Just don’t make her think she can’t come talk to you or that if she did make a bad Decision because in the end kids WILL be kids and just as we still do as adults she needs to be able to make mistakes in order to learn from them don’t make her feel lile a little kid again when she is starting to get that feeling of independence because that is a natural occurrence and trying to smother it as if she is a soldier at boot camp will only make things worse because of how she is feeling. Being parents I’ve noticed we tend to use force and the power of our position to MAKE them do things. But we forget how we felt when we where that age and also take into consideration jusy how much different their child hood is than ours. Youtube and tie to alone open the whole world to them from babies being cute to a half naked women tweaking to a song they heard us playing while we are cleaning their teddy bear plate they used at breakfast. It’s just a whole Discworld and all this isn’t even mentioning just how much more sensitive society has became. Shit is crazy
When she has new friends who are a better influence on her, encourage them by taking them to fun stuff like amusement or water parks, trampoline parks, picnics, parades, museums, whatever your area has to offer. This way she will associate them with having fun, not getting into trouble.
See if you can get other people to talk to her about things they regret (smoking, drinking, getting in trouble, maybe even winding up in juvie or having a record, having “bad” friends, getting used, sex too early, skipping school). Have them talk to her about things that they are proud of too, like making Eagle Scout, staying in school, and the advantages it gave them. the traits of their wonderful friends who last a lifetime.
Have them take her out somewhere for these chats and talk to her about unintended consequences of “bad” behavior like losing out on jobs, getting a bad reputation that sticks, getting in abusive relationships, etc. The closer these people are to her age the better, as kids often have trouble thinking long term.
Alternatively, if you can talk to these other girls’ parents non-judgmentally, see if they are aware of their girls’ behavior and figure out their parenting style. Maybe these girls are left to their own devices and act up in a desperate bid for their parents attention. Maybe their parents give them money instead of time or rules/boundaries.
Chances are, the other girls are not really happy with the way they are. If you can, figure out if their parents are engaging in risky behavior, not parenting well or at all, and if the girls might be outright being abused in any way. Maybe they feel hopeless like nothing they do matters or will have consequences.
Invite these girls for wholesome activities: to hang out at your house to bake cookies, watch movies with you, go on picnics and to the pool, the water park, bowling, skating. See if they will join you at church or girl scouts. Maybe you’d have to pay their fees & work with the scout leaders or coaches to help them get any equipment or supplies for free or low cost if their parents are too poor, or are oblivious/don’t care. See if you could pick them up for soccer practice, choir practice or guitar or hip hop dance lessons and get them involved.
These girls may feel lost and alone, unloved and ignored and you could be one positive role model and get them on a better path. Or not. Invite them to spend time reading and doing homework with you or a responsible adult or older teen you pay to be with them after school: another positive role model they may listen to when you seem so old and hopelessly out of touch with them.
Chances are they aren’t learning anything good at home or their parents just don’t know how to parent effectively. Invite the girls to spend the night and show them how to cook, get stains out of laundry, make the best hot cocoa, sew, how to make a budget if they won’t have some form of family life education where they do this in school.
Explain to her exactly why what she is doing is unacceptable or unhealthy show videos /pictures
Ask all the girls what they want to do when they grow up and find statistics about how many people succeed in the profession (proportion of people who become rock stars, dancers, professional athletes, movie stars, entrepreneurs, whatever is less realistic), find the average salary of those folks. Find people who do these things for fun and have them talk to the girls about why they don’t do this as their main job, or people who do it for a living and the sacrifices they’ve had to make.
If they pick something realistic, have them talk to people in that profession to tell them what they had to do to get there like schooling, other training, starting jobs, volunteering and internships, how many hours they had/have to work, how fast or slow they advanced/got promoted, the joys and challenges, perks and drawbacks, the life/work balance struggles, their role models and heroes of the profession. If something sparks their interest, see if they can job shadow or spend a day at work with someone in that profession. Help give them a vision for the future, but expect it to change 100 times as they grow up.
When I found out most professional dancers live in shabby, crowded conditions, with no health insurance, little to eat, no car, only clothes given to them. no money for anything fun outside of dance, and/or are completely dependent on other people for everything (never good, or takes away power and control), I decided to pick another profession I liked and dance on the side. Even Mikhail Barishnikov sold dancewear, made movies, and more other than performing to have money to live on.
BTW, I’m 65, retired, performed as a modern dancer until I was in my 50s, and now teach movement and dance classes to little kids. I’m having a ball, but never earned much; 99 percent of the time I didn’t earn anything from dance, maybe got reimbursed for transportation a few times. I worked as an editor/writer and in marketing as a profession.
My aging rocker friends all have or had lucrative careers doing something else, and rehearse and perform on weekends for the fun of it, often spending far more enjoying their hobby than they make at gigs.
Let your daughter rebel in little ways, like dying her hair or getting away with little things. One parent forbade their kid to read after lights out but secretly made sure their flashlights always had fresh batteries. Give her as much responsibility and trust as you can. Life should be just a little challenging. But let her explore in generally safe environments. Rock climbing but at an indoor facility with safety measures; cold weather camping with the proper gear, performing with a local theater group that will encourage her vs. ridicule her when she forgets her lines, taking an advanced class that challenges her some but not too much.
Also, your daughter may not really like these girls but be afraid of them and fearful of having them turn against her if she doesn’t go along with them. Keep her busy with wholesome activities and give her plausible excuses to not hang out with them: she’s grounded, has to go visit relatives, she’s getting sick and has to get better before she goes out, she has to take care of pet/sibling or do chores before she can go anywhere, etc. Soon enough these girls will find another target and your daughter will have new friends.
Also at this age kids change friends like clothes, so she may tire of them sooner than you think once something else piques her interest.
Getting her a therapist to talk to couldn’t hurt either. Yet another person she can turn to, and share some of the parenting load with you.
Unfortunately she is at that age where she is becoming a teenager an will push all kinds of boundaries to see how far she can push and what she will get away with don’t change ur rules an remind her each an everytime she has a choice an she will have consequences of her actions if she makes the wrong choice no kid came with a manual remember that
The truth is that no matter what you do she’s going to hang out with them etc unless you plan on home-schooling her… All you can control is what happens when she’s not at school, good luck teenagers can be a joy!! 
BUT school for kids is hard enough, getting everyone in trouble with their parents in her name isn’t something I’d do.
This time she’s with these girls hanging out - could you try getting her into a hobby these sort of times. Like dance, cheer, swimming, gymnastics, drama, singing, music instruments etc. anything to fill the time with distraction then she forget about the girls and hopefully make new nice friends xx
Jeeze, doing all that is going to push her away quickly.
Make her write a paper about lung damage caused from vaping. Make her research it. Distraction is for babies. Teach her consequences. She’s not too young for that.
The more you push the more she will rebel. But I think friends play a big part in there behaviour. Teenagers are hard 
maybe show her the consequences of vaping. It not all fun and games…
She may not seem to care because she needed you to put your finger on her. Sometimes they need us to be the reason they can’t do something.
Just keep loving her and talking to her. After your nerves calm a little maybe the 2 of you can find something to agree on doing. Maybe she wants to take lessons of some sort, music, writing, art? But ultimately sit her down look her square in the eyes and have an actual conversation, no yelling on your part
Maybe she has more to say
You definitely should express your concerns, and ask for feedback from her.
They definitely don’t come with handbooks !
That vape could be anywhere
Wrapped in clothes
Shoved in an air vent
A shoe
They get real creative
But if you can’t find it, it may have been one of the other girls.
You’ve already taken away the majority… I’d ease up on the vape thing. Its enough you she’s used/using it. She thanked you for picking her up. If you push too hard she wont tell you anything or ask for help if something even more harmful comes up. Teenage years very tough for everyone! Good luck.
She lies to you because of a few possible different reasons. You need to figure this out. Sounds like to me you two lack any type of a closeness or relationship that includes you being her friend and not just her mom.
All kids are different and I believe kids behavior good bad or in different starts with the parenting NOT the child.
You’re gonna get a ton of different advice for this and none of it is wrong or right. Good parenting comes from knowing who your child is. What may work for one child won’t work for the next even if same parents or just kids in general.
Good luck to you and your daughter.
Hunni
As a Nan of few grand kids
Buckle up sweetie
Your in for a rough time
You have given her a set of basic rules
As she chose to break them
She needs to be punished for that
And you have and are doing the right thing
Yes as a kid I tried breaking the rules on more then one occasion (but I got punished a lot worse than your daughter is)
My best advice is become friends with a nice bottle of red or white wine
I’m 18 years old but started vaping at 13-14. Some days I wish I had never picked up a vape but I don’t get addicted to them because I can stop whenever I want. I do however think you need to sit down with her and have a long talk. Those girls she hangs out with are bad influences. You possibly might have given her freedom a little early. I didn’t go out and about town until at least 13-14. She could be acting out for a different reason but then again she could just be doing it because it’s “cool” Good luck momma! Hopefully it’ll get figured out but please do now she won’t always push the boundaries after a certain point.
Welcome to parenthood.
I had this issue with my daughter. I took her phone & started texting her friends as if I was her to find the source. It worked for me just make sure you say everything as dumb as possibly (kinda kidding but these kids talk a whole different language) also check her bra strap between her breasts. That is where my daughter hid hers because schools cannot search there. It’s been a year & I will still reach over & check her bra for a vape here & there. Also do not give her any cash. At least not until you’re comfortable that she’s not doing it any longer. & you can buy drug & nicotine tests on Amazon to test her to see if she’s still doing it.
It Is very hard with teenagers, I’ve been through It, I’m in on my 3rd the youngest 17 now and I don’t know what to do either 
Honestly I feel the vape at this point is a symptom of a much larger issue. She is 12 … she shouldn’t be going and hanging out with the girls alone without supervision because obviously she can’t make good decisions when left alone. She doesn’t need a phone , iPad , computer etc. because the next thing you know she will be chatting with “boys” who aren’t boys at all sending nudes and the being picked up by some grown man in the middle of the night while you sleep. I can say this with a high degree of certainty that this is where she is headed because I worked 18 years answering 911 calls and entering missing juveniles with stories similar. Her ability to make good choices is not evolved enough to make minor decisions and that has been made apparent so she needs to do what 12 year olds should be doing , in her home with parental supervision , no electronics , and maybe she doesn’t even need a door on her bedroom. She is making very serious health decisions , basic safety decisions and messing them up horribly and then being disrespectful to you. You aren’t her friend and if you don’t put a complete and drastic stop to this behavior now you will find yourself on an end of a 911 call you never wanted to make, yes she will be mad , yes she is going to say mean things to you and try to manipulate you but with teens that just means you’re doing your job ! Don’t give up , don’t stop parenting and keep that phone for a long time because clearly she isn’t nearly mature enough to handle to what will come her way.
shes becoming a teenager what did you expect? is vaping counted as bad nowdays? theres me thinking that smoking was the bad thing, shes not doing anything that teens dont do, test, push and irritate theyre parents. but you are doing all the right things to push her away. rebel that she is, it is a passing phase it will pass
You shouldnt have embarrassed her like that you should have waited till she got home and she will never give you the name and to call parents is just embarrassing her more and another thing to say she cant hang out with those kids anymore is just making her want to hang out with them more lol… u need to relax and let her come to you my daughter is 14 and tells me everything u need to give her some leeway and hope you raised her right
I just can’t help but to feel this is less about disobeying and more about absolutely normal boundary testing that’s spot on for her age, much the same I did at that age. I also can’t help but to remember that I really was a comparatively good kid and this same kind of limit breaking was so thoroughly overreacted to by my parents that my trying to stretch my boundaries taught me to pretend they were never even tested and hide everything I could manage. I didn’t even break curfew until college, but to hear my parents tell it, I was a hell raiser, and not because I caused so many problems, but that they were so hyper vigilant trying to head off what wasn’t even happening and I was countering that by trying to find my own way and instead of working together, we became so adversarial that pieces of those old walls I built up are still in place even now.
Please be careful here the more you tell her not to do something she is going to go right ahead and do it any way!! Then you’ll have bigger problems she’s a growing teenager taking her phone is probably not going to help either it won’t be long and she will be sneaking out getting a phone from a friend I have a 14 year old daughter so I know what your going threw play good cop and try talking to her then be bad cop when you have to its not how it used to be when we grew up everything has changed I hope you figure it out I wish you all the luck in the world your going an amazing job kids are just hard work cx
Was the vape nicotine or THC? If it’s THC just let her be, as long as she does good in school there shouldn’t be a problem with it. If it’s nicotine then yeah find it and get rid of it but if you haven’t found it yet most likely she got rid of it herself so she doesn’t get caught with it. She’s at the age where she’s trying to find who she is. Let her make mistakes, let her learn because if you shelter her and she gets out in the real world she will have a bad downfall and Fuck up her life worse than she can now. Trust me, take it from someone who had parents that sheltered me and kept me from making mistakes and all. I’d much rather my parents let me make mistakes so I could learn from them. Just my opinion tho lol
Ugh, that’s a tough age and kids these days are growing up even faster sadly. All I can say is be there for her no matter what. Even if you are mad at her. So many kids feel like they need to meet a certain standard to be cool, popular and liked… that was around the age everything started changing for me. Still did good in school but I started smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and as I got older it honestly got worse. I hope everything works out for both of you and she realizes she doesn’t have to do what other people do to be cool. If they don’t like you for your personality, then they ain’t a friend! Maybe find someone who had a wild childhood and have them talk to her and explain how it’s not worth it. I don’t know if it would have changed things for me, but if I would have known what my choices were going to cause and the things I’d go thru that still haunt me to this day I definitely may have made some different decisions.
Kids sell vapes in schools now like kids used to sell fags when we were younger. She won’t grass them up will be more hassle for her to go to school then it’s worth to tell u the truth.
The lying would have pissed me off to.
My dad had a rule for me and I continue it with my kids and it meant I didn’t have to lie. The rule was if I did something really stupid, or got myself into a bad situation, or was in trouble no matter where I was, no matter what time call him to come get me, no questions asked. I used it once at about 14 went to the seaside and funfair with a mate. Missed last train and became stranded at about 11/12 at night. We had both said we were sleeping at each other’s houses but went out. He got me home safe and my friend who would rather had stayed on the street all night then call her mum as she was scared of how angry she would get. I only made that mistake once.
She’s going to go off and do teenage things regardless. Let he come to you to share her world
For everyone who thinks vaping isn’t a big deal yes it is. There is a reason there is a age restriction and here it’s 21 now. It causes a new lung disease. Is letting a kid do it so they like you more or it’s easier worth it? it’s risking your child’s life and long term problems. Outbreak of Lung Injury Associated with the Use of E-Cigarette, or Vaping, Products | Electronic Cigarettes | Smoking & Tobacco Use | CDC
Unfortunately the more you punish, the more extreme it is the worse its going to get. I’m not saying don’t give out consequences, but to much at once will not do the trick. She’s going to get in the “well you took everything already, my life sucks, theres nothing more you can ground me from” headspace and she litterally will not care anymore and you’ll be in for an even wilder ride.
Your reaction is key.
I have 3 girls, 15, 13, 11 and a boy 12.
You want to be a parent yes, but also in some way you need to have a friendship.
Punishing is important… consequences are important, and they will work, but how you react, how you dish out punishment is what is going to make it successful or a complete fail.
If you dont have some sort of friendship with your teens…
You will never be told the full truth.
They won’t tell you who or where they got vapes from.
You wont know when they start to get curious about drugs (marijuana is HUGE in the middle school and highschool)
You won’t know if they start to drink and what friends they try it with
You won’t know when they start thinking about being sexually active (to afraid to ask questions, or ask for birth control for fear of loosing their freedom or being yelled at)
So often I hear “I’m not their friend, I’m the parent” yet those same parents will come back and say “idk why they are acting out like this, they don’t talk to me” and ALOT of the time, it can be TOO LATE "i didn’t even know she was sexually active, I can’t believe she’s pregnant " “i had no idea they were that sad”.
My kids KNOW they can talk to me, and they do, even when they know they are gonna get grounded.
For example my 15 year old last summer, spent the night with some friends… talked to the parents and all that and I get a call from her at 3am, she wanted me to come get her. After the parents went to bed, they got into the alcohol and then snuck out to a park with some boys from school. She got uncomfortable and called me, and told me why she called. I immediately picked her up. When she got in the car, I didnt yell, I didnt lecture, I LISTENED. And she told me everything that went on and what they did. She also told me she really messed up and was sorry. We went home and she went to bed, and the NEXT morning we talked to her about how dangerous her choices were… we didn’t have to yell, we didnt tell her we were dissapointed, we just explained how dangerous things could have gotten. Alcohol poisoning, getting kidnapped at the park they were at, even getting raped. And then we grounded her, she lost her phone and could not hang out with anyone outside of our home and couldnt spend the night anywhere for quite sometime. Thats it…
She told me friday that a friend from school wanted her to come over, she did, and when they got there the other girls started drinking. My daughter called a cab and came straight home. She made the choice to come home. She didn’t have to tell me about it, cause I would never have known otherwise. But she did. Kids and teens both can LEARN from their mistakes without us completely bringing the hammer down on them. Sometimes they have to make a few bad choices, and we HAVE TO BE THERE TO LISTEN, EXPLAIN, AND GIVE GUIDANCE.
If I had reacted ANY OTHER WAY, she would have never called me that night when she was intoxicated in a park with a bunch of other teens. She wouldn’t have even told me about it, period.
It’s SOOOO important that we take time to be our children’s friends (to a degree). So incredibly important.
As for the vape pens… its going around the schools. (Mcloughlin is horrible for this, and south… but so are the elementary schools)
I’ve talked to the schools, they said that its worse then ever. And they really don’t have a solution. Chances are the girls she was hanging with introduced it, the older kids have more access to them, 7th and 8th graders get it from highschoolers who ride the busses and the highschoolers get it from older siblings. Only thing I can say about that is start doing bag checks. Ive found vapes wrapped up in pads and then wrapped back in the wrapper under the bathroom sink, behind dressers, under matresses, in the heating vent, even stashed in the yard in a ziploc bag. They get creative with hiding them. And you can also let the school know that shes been hanging around kids who’ve introduced her to it and you’d like to have her checked randomly especially if she spends alot of time in the bathrooms, or leaves classes alot to go to the bathrooms. Its a battle, unfortunately I’m still dealing with it. But I know how they get them, ect because my kids told me. I still take them, and I communicate with the school and then let the school inform the other parents. What I don’t do is make my kids life harder by going directly to the kids or their parents, which in turn could cause my child to get bullied. And because my kids know that they will tell me who gave them what, where ect.
Problem now is we’re too connected. Parents want to know where there kids are 24/7 and what they’re doing. Does no one remember what it was like at that age. We all did things we wouldn’t want our parents to know that’s part of growing up.
She’s wanting to act and be older than she is but isn’t making great decisions when given the opportunity. I would try to communicate more not just demand information but try to have that open relationship. Try opening about what you were like as a teenager, the dangers your trying to shield her from and giving her the tools to make good decisions and not feel the need to fit in. I would have friends over and try to see what your daughters like amongst her peers.
I’m not even going to offer any advice because I’m dealing with a 17 year old who just lost her dad in a very traumatic way and I have no help.
Seems everything I do is wrong and no matter how strict or lenient I am its always not quite right.
I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’m not trying to lie to you and say it gets any better from here on out because until she reaches adulthood or has become a parent who gets to experience thes3 same harsh behaviors as normal with teenagers she isn’t going to understand where you are coming from. You just gotta try and make it through girl. You can. It’s hard but you are not alone in your struggle.
i have two daughter that are 16 and 13 years old out of my four kids I worry about them the most but they have proved that they are on their best behavior thats because I have a system my system is Mom knows all because Mom did all so I’ll know if they are lying because they will smile and laugh plus I know all the tricks because I did all the tricks, the only one who packs their bookbag is me they are not allowed to have a social media page or a you tube channel or even a tick tock until they are the age of 18, I don’t care about the clothing because that’s a reason for them to sneak clothing to school get to know their friends as well as their parents we take their friends to the mall,church, or anywhere else the girls want to go but we go with them and give them a little space but not a lot of space just enough where they are still in eye sight ya’ll might think I’m stricked with my kids I’m the lay back parent of the two simply because I want my kids to do better than what I did when I was there age but I’m sure they will get in trouble every now and then but I will be there telling them how to fix to resolve it right now my 16 year old wants to become a lawyer my 13 year old wants to become a zoologist, my 8 year old wants to become a cop/soldier and my 3 year old wants to be a doctor i don’t think i’m doing that bad of a job
Get her in some sports something that takes up her time.
This is the start of HER journey. Just remember be firm but be careful
she will run straight to the negative friends. I’d talk to her and see what’s really going on with her curiosity put yourself in her shoes.
Yes we all were there. BUT. Back then we were not exposed the way our children are today.
There is also no right or wrong way of parenting. We do what we feel is best for our child, to keep them safe. Not under control. There is a major difference.
I have a 12 year old daughter who is also trying new things. I understand she will be.
I can only hope I catch it before it gets worse and guide her through it.
Our preteens are very sensitive and curious. They just need us to teach them the correct way of doing things, once they have messed up. And we need to be patient and forgiving.
If you are looking for punishment try manual labor has worked wonders for my daughter make her dig a hole to a size you determine back fill it then dig another do this for a few days and stay strict things will do a complete turn around
Please don’t think I am telling what to do with your daughter because I am definitely not. We all have our own ways of teaching, raising and disciplining our children. I only want to say that she is on the verge of being a teenager and the harder you push and the more restrictions you place the more she will pull away and rebel. I agree with you about the lying. Lying can get her in a lot of trouble. My son and I had a very open relationship when he became a teenager. from the time he was 5, I would talk to him and make it a point to reiterate that he can come to me with anything. My rules were No Lying, Stealing or Cheating (tests, etc) As long as he abided by those boundaries and kept up his grades and chores, he had freedom. I am not saying this works for all teenagers and all family dynamics, I am just saying it worked for me. He was comfortable to talk to me about wanting to be sexually active, experiment with weed and alcohol, peer pressure and all the other little things that will come up during adolescence. Keeping the door open for her to talk to you will keep you in the loop to what she is doing and who she is doing it with. Having that information alone will help you educate and guide her through this difficult time in every teenager’s life. You definitely don’t want her sneaking around and getting in trouble or hanging with the wrong people. We all want our kids to make the right choices and do the right thing. Being a Warden will only make her more cunning and sneaky when she knows she is doing something she knows you won’t approve of. Forgive me if I have offended you, I just wanted to share what worked for me. 
I went the path you did…and my daughter got sneakier, ruder,and went from vape to pot 🤷 strict doesn’t always have great results.
Teenage kids are tough, i had 4 of them, as hard as i tried to steer them in the right direction, nothing i ever did seemed to work. Eventually i gave them their reins and let them fuck up, i let them make the mistakes and when shit got real i picked up the pieces, only then did my kids seem to mature and start to learn. Sometimes thats all you can do, i wish you the best of luck, this age is incredibly hard and makes you question every decision that you ever made regarding your parenting…keep your chin up, it does get better at some stage.
She is 12, she is finding her feet, she has these cool friends who are slightly older than her but yet are also teenagers, they are going to be cool in your daughters eyes, she is going to want to act and be like them. She is becoming a teenager, unfortunately it’s what majority of teenagers are like. I’m not saying it’s right, but just be thankful it was just a vape and nothing else. The more you try and ban her from seeing them, the more she will do it behind your back and most likely with worse out come. Just sit her down and have a proper chat with her, explain what she is doing isn’t right, explain the behaviours she is having is non acceptable, explain to her how she is making you feel. Unfortunately when our babies get to this age we want to keep them closer but we have to loosen the reigns a bit more. We can not shield them from everything and everyone wh or what don’t seem to fit into our lifestyle of living.
If the phone tree doesn’t work. Offer homeschooling since she isn’t handling public school respectfully
Maybe she’s glad you’ve stopped her seeing those girls as she’s not brave enough to say she doesn’t want to? Maybe she knows they are a bad influence but felt kind of bullied in some way. Talk to her? Xx
Maybe trying listening to her and not yelling at her about it. Talking is key and so is listening
You’ve given her a punishment. You can’t just keep adding punishment because she isn’t reacting the way you want her too… I don’t have any advice on what to do… being a parent is hard work and I’m not sure anyone knows if they are doing it right. But adding punishment seems unfair tbh🤷♀️
A very wise woman once told me. “Find and control what they love, more than themselves and you have a chance”
Read that over and over until you completely understand.
Just don’t give up or give in! She’s not going to tell you where she got it but you can let her know that if you find out she’s doing it again or find a vape pen she will be grounded and you will call all these girls parents and threaten to sue them for damaging her lungs. You don’t have to actually do it but a treat to get her friends in trouble with their parents often times works. Or threaten homeschooling… I think giving her a place to make different friends could help too. I had mine in sports and youth group and it seemed to help. As far as the vaping goes, it’s hard to keep kids from doing it when probably 7 out of 10 are doing it. My youngest is a freshmen and he said he was basically cornered by a dozen guys in the bathroom trying to get him to vape. I have many nephews and am thankful that it’s just vape and not something else. I do understand not wanting them to do anything but they will experiment a little. I made him promise, nothing in his lungs, nothing in his nose and nothing in his veins. I always tell them they can either have stalker mom who follows them around and freaks out on them or we can be 100% honest 100% of the time. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to and it’s extremely hard to get that trust back! I’ve even considered getting some long oxygen tubing and making them wear it for 48 hours to see what life would feel like tied to a leash 24/7… I have a 22 year old boy, 18 year old girl and 14 year old boy. My daughter was my easiest but I saw her friends crazy parents. Don’t damage your relationship with her, find some common ground💕
12:flushed: omg maybe join girl guides or a netball team that’s very very young to be hanging around older friends and vaping 
Honestly, I would not have as many rules. My parents were you and I was super sneaky and did bad things bc they didn’t allow me to make my own decisions or do anything. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter and tell her that you will always be there for her, if she’s with friends and she doesn’t feel comfortable with them, to be allowed to call you no matter what. Meet her where she’s at. And when you tell a kid they can’t ever hang out with someone…they will def try 10x harder to hang out with them. Good luck my daughter is 12 and I haven’t had these issues yet.
So … some rebelling and experimentation is normal.
Be supportive, not aggressive.
Invite those girls to your home. Maybe they are lacking a nurturing and structured environment.
Being overly strict creates sneaky children… This is what’s going to happen if you continue the way you are. Loosen up, go talk to her and really try to understand. Then when you’ve genuinely tried to hear her, explain how what she’s doing can hurt her.
You’re just getting started and don’t back down from the punishments. She acts like she doesn’t care but she does. She doesn’t ever need to be without supervision. This world is too much right now. Keep your kids safe.