I am a 40 yr old mom of 2 (20 yr old daughter and 16 yr old son ) and stepmom of 2 boys ( ages 20 and 12 ). My problem is my adult daughter is disrespectful towards me and has been for a few years now. Two weeks after graduation in 2018, we had a disagreement about rules, and she ran off. A few days later, she came home and told me she was moving in w her dad and his mother. She lived w them for a year and now has her own place she shares with her boyfriend. While she was living at dad’s, she got into the habit of degrading mew her grandmother, and she would go through periods of disrespect w me, and when I would stick up for myself and my home, she would refuse to visit me. I have gone months at a time without speaking to her because of this treatment she insists upon giving me. Christmas, she came by and unblocked my number, and I have since tried to forge a new relationship. She visits every few weeks but then goes to her dad’s and talks dirt on me and my home, saying my home is dirty and not taken care of, my dogs smell and the boys r thieves and that I love them more than her. None of this is true, but she talks about me with the grandmother. My son comes home and tells me. I confront my daughter, and she tells me how she feels. I am heartbroken and have been for quite some time now. I just want a relationship with her that is loving and respectful. I try to tell her that but she keeps doing this. What can I do to get this to end already???
Maybe try counseling together
Sounds like a lot more to this story
Let it go its her problem she will come around.
your raising entitled, do not help she is a big girl
Honestly, if you’re not getting anywhere then maybe it’s time to tell her the cold hard truth about how she’s acting and that she’s acting disgusting. That if she wants to hate you not to come around.
I know she’s your kid, but its not healthy for you.
Exhaust some options like offering therapy/counseling with her or asking her why she feels that way and attempting to get to the bottom of it, but if you have tried everything and she for some reason still hates on you, I think it’s time to cut ties and stop trying for a while.
A toxic person is a toxic person, no matter who they are.
Until she learns NOT to play victim and to find her own happiness, she’ll always be that way. Continue to standup for yourself and demand respect. She’ll learn one day, she may be your age, that your the one who has always had her best interest.
There is more to this. She is upset with you about something and I don’t think she has told you. There is a root to this problem that you haven’t gotten to. She seems to be lashing out at you she seems hurt and upseat.
Don’t play. It is a game. She sees you, complains to them, and then you complain to her. Don’t complain to her. Act like you don’t know what she says. The only way to win the game is to not play.
Tell her once she gets her head out of her ass, that you’ll be there for her… But you won’t be waiting. Move on and and take care of your other children.
I’m sorry but kin or not you don’t deserve her disrespect, quit trying to coddle her. Ignore her 2 year old behavior and her till she can act like a normal human being. Just because you are her mother does not mean you have to let her walk all over you.
Daughter or not you don’t have to have toxic people in your life. Block and get on with your life. No need to explain anything or have communication with your ex or his family as your shared daughter is now an adult. I cut my father out of my life as he kept telling me I was a disappointment and that was because I wouldn’t lend him money!! He has gambled everything he owns so I am not continuing to support his habit. Time for you. It hurts but you get to focus on you without the constant putdowns and bad behaviour. Refuse to allow her to have any power over you any longer. Just block her number. Don’t engage in you said she said arguments. If she wants to know why you are stepping back tell her “I don’t feel respected. You are an adult and when she is ready to have a respectful adult relationship you will welcome that. Until then, you are stepping away for the time being.”
Sounds like their is more to this story then what’s being said, however she is an adult and needs to be treated as an adult. She is your daughter, but at some point one has to say enough is enough. You could try and speak with her, and attempt to go to counseling but she might not want that. So you back off. Stop calling, stop texting, stop playing this never ending mind fuck game. Right now she is playing both sides of the field, and has been doing so for quite sometime. So shut your end down. Be open and honest about her behavior and when she is ready to reach out be there. But stop trying to force something that she clearly doesn’t want.
Maybe you do treat the boys better or differently than her.
I hear a lot of blaming on the daughter, but zero owning up to your involvement in all of this. Maybe you should start there, because she didn’t start acting this way for no reason.
There is obviously way more to this story than this post. It sounds like she is very hurt and upset. Start by figuring out why she is so upset with you (unless you already know) and fix that before you two try to start your “new” relationship.
I suggest a family counselor. I would be willing to bet there is a root cause to her feelings that she hasn’t shared with you. Ignoring her, not communicating with her, or trying to control her behavior (by punishment, etc.) isn’t going to fix the root cause and will most likely just make it worse.
This is only your side defo more to this I’m sure she has her reasons also not a question strangers can answer
Stop trying. Stand up for yourself, cut her off, and stand by it. Two things will happen. Either she’ll realize you are not putting up with her disrespect anymore and she’ll change or she’ll stop making contact with you. There’s nothing you can do to force her to respect you. She’s an adult and will make her own decisions. Ultimately, if you don’t want to be disrespected then you have to put a stop to it by cutting her off. Although it does sound like there might be more to this whole situation, but that’s besides the point.
Maybe ask your daughter to see a therapist with you
You need to realize she is an adult and she will do as she pleases. Silence yourself from her for awhile, she will either wake up or walk away. Remember always whatever she decides she did it on her own. Stand up for yourself and do not let her see you breaking down. Tough love mama!
You could try counseling with her but if that fails or she refuses then for your own mental health you may need to cut ties.
Walk away till she grows up
You guys need to invest in a mediator. There are always three sides to every story/ event: how you perceive it, how the other party perceives it and what actually occurred. It sounds like she hurt by something that happened because relationships don’t go south overnight. Are you trying to be involved with her only on your terms?
So is there a reason why she had hard feelings towards you besides the fight a couple of years ago? Have you asked that?
People preach about Toxic Parents and forget that Toxic children exist in this world also
Honestly, she’s an adult now and while you can and do have the right to demand her respect in your home, it is completely out of your hands how she lives and behaves otherwise. Clearly, there are deep rooted issues that are not being addressed and I don’t think there is any “quick” fix.But If you are serious about fixing your relationship, I suggest family therapy.
You could be writing this story about me with one difference. My daughter goes to my mom’s and my mom is mentally ill which my daughter doesn’t see. My mom bad-mouths everyone and has a really difficult time understanding truth. I am so sorry you’re going through this because it’s a roller coaster and I finally actually blocked my daughter because the things that come out of her mouth are disgusting. I told her I will always love her and I will always be there for but I am not her punching bag and she needs to grow up. And until such time she is not welcomed in to this family and that’s her own decisions and her own actions.
There’s parts you’re not saying only how she does this and that. My mom did the same thing and everyone thought I was a problem child
please know that it’s perfectly ok to kick toxic people out of your life
You can see if she’ll do counseling? There just sounds like there’s more to the story than just the daughter. My mother was awful to me with her words/actions growing up and thought I “turned on her” when I was 18 because I was finally sticking up for myself. I never speak ill of her to anyone because my opinions of her aren’t anyone’s business. I haven’t talked to my mom in 8 months and I’ve blocked her on everything because it’s just a toxic and negative relationship. We can’t get along. I get you want a positive and loving relationship, I really do, but sometimes it’s just better for both parties to part ways.
I would tell the grandmother to correct her when she trash talks. Some girls don’t mature until later. Way later. I was one of those.
I’m sorry but there is more to this. There is a reason deep down why she is so upset with you. Maybe you have shown more affection to the boys without realizing it. I’ve been there I was the “daughter”. And there is more why she is upset.
I would just stop talking to her, let her go her way
Sounds like you do not want to accept any fault in the situation and want to blame her for everything stop wasting her time and leave her alone takes two to tango hun she shouldn’t be trashing you but you also should be telling your son it’s none of your business what she is speaking about with other people simple !
I agree with someone else in this thread that family therapy would probably do some good… I have an unhealthy relationship with my father of whom I recently disowned completely cause every time I try to talk to him he just denies everything and never actually has a conversation with me. He has a new family and has since I was a young teenager. My father is also gay so I believe that me not being a male may have something to do with it… also he never tried getting along with my mother and says I remind him of her. Every time I tried to move forward with him and forgive the past issues, new ones would always arise and he always treated me as insignificant to him or that’s just how I feel. I am now 30 and have a child of my own. I’ve needed him for help and his other priorities have always come first unless whatever he’s doing for me would benefit him in some way. Not saying that your relationship is exactly like this but maybe she’s holding some resentment from the past that you’re unaware of. However, if you calmly try to have a discussion and she can’t have any respect to talk to you calmly and return the same respect… she just may need some time to mature. Hopefully she comes around cause a mother/daughter bond is so special and I wish the best for you both!
I would tell her that you love her and want to make things better. Ask her if she would be willing go to counseling with you so she can have a safe place to express why she is so upset with you.
Have a weekend away together just you 2, lots of talking and loving needed ,think she bit jealous of the other children also and feels left out xx
Stop putting up with it tell her you love her but until she shows respect do not bother coming around stick to your guns it will be hard but worth it
I have been thru a rough life with my parents… is their more to this story then shes disrespectful? How was at home life? Broken families are not easy.
100% more to this story than you’re letting on. There’s got to be a reason she feels that way about you. Just saying.
Best thing for you to do is leave her alone until she decides to grow up
Tell her that you love her very much and would love to have a good relationship but you are not going to tolerate her disrespect. Tell her adult or not you are still her mother and if she continues to be disrespectful she is not allowed at your home anymore if she is not going to be respectful toward you.
Play her at her own game she sounds a nasty piece of work to me just ignore her she will soon know where her breads buttered!
I say be patient. Maybe ask your daughter to write you a letter with her grievances so she can get them off her chest without abusing you. Learn about what is verbal abuse and get her to learn. And be patient. Try no to let her drag you into a fight. Ask her Dad not to allow that kind of bad talk. He shouldn’t be allowing that… And cheer up, kids are assholes.
Family counseling for both of you. If she won’t go, go yourself. A pro will have strategies for dealing and healing with her, and if nothing improves, healthy ways to help you move past this.
Can you have a talk with the grandmother to get insight into what is causing her to behave this way? Maybe ask the grandma what she thinks would help your relationship with your daughter. Ask her dad for insight too if you are on good terms.
Does the daughter have a relationship with her stepbrothers? Do you ever do things together, like outings, birthday parties, etc.?
Is she having a tough time adulting? It can be a shock if she wasn’t prepared for the responsibility of it all. Remember, most people’s reactions stem from how they feel about themselves, and you’re just a convenient target to absorb some of the pain.
I have a girl just like that she hates me but she runs off on my car I keep thinking she won’t do that but it happens again like tonite now she’s venting on me very disrespectful and I have never treated her any different than my other kids I have 5 she’s the youngest at 32 Idk if it’s immaturity or a mental thing
She definitely is out of line with the disrespect but there is clearly a reason as to why she is so upset with you. I’d try to talk to her about it on a good day. Don’t play the victim card. Be quite and listen. See where that takes you. If it doesn’t end the way either of you wanted it to, give her some time and try again in the future.
I know this might sound crazy but maybe the two of you need to take a break from each other. Write her a letter and tell her you love her and want a loving and positive relationship with her. Forget the past and refuse to argue with her. She is an adult but to honest you sound like a couple of 14 year olds. You are her mother, refuse to argue with her. Tell her she is not welcome unless she can behave herself.
You fucked up somewhere for her to lose respect for you .
Stop running after her , let her run after you when, she realizes that you have a life with her or without her she will settle down. You know how to live without her she has never lived without you. I wish my kids would. I would slap the taste out of their mouth.
Cut her off completely don’t let her in your house stand strong. She needs to grow up.
Why are you even trying with her. Her attitude will never change. She’s old enough to know right from wrong. You just need to cut her off completely and make her see how that feels. If she has any feelings at all.
Good luck! I have one just like yours! I just turned her over to God.
Meet up with her in a neutral place. Go out for coffee a movie a walk in a park. But don’t have her come to your home. Perhaps a neutral place will help. She can’t trash your home if she isn’t in it. You still see her but this may help take some tension off. Holidays can be tense times get together at a venue other than your home. Take the pressure off yourself. And remember your not alone there are no perfect families.
Shes 18, let her live the way she chooses and when she comes around to visit if she disrespects you just ask her politely to leave and tell her you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Eventually she will stop the behavior. Definitely stop running after her.
I would ask your daughter to right you a letter explaining why she feels this way toward you. I’m guessing that you divorced her father and she might not know the reason for the divorce. Just my two cents.
I would tell her to leave and grow up she will remember you and the good you did for her just give her time and be strong what is that sayin tuff love and it’s hard but sometimes we have to do it just for our selves she is and adult so let her go
I was the only one in the family that stuck to my guns and demanded my nephew treat me with respect. It was rocky few years but I had family dinners minus my nephew I refused to talk to him and he knew I was serious. He finally came around to my way of thinking and we have a great relationship. Be willing to stick to your guns. Never let her slip.
Cut her loose…she either learns respect or stays away…it isn’t worth it…I have had to do it too
Hi there!
It sounds like your daughter is hurting. And you’re going to need to get to the bottom of it.
That however is going to take some time, and most likely you aren’t going to like what you hear.
I suggest stepping outside yourself (not taking anything personal) looking at this situation, as though your “only” goal … is to bring healing to your daughter first.
And once that is achieved, then you can deal with how you feel about everything.
*The very first thing that I would personally do is;
-
Make it crystal clear to your daughter, that you LOVE
her unconditionally! And that there is NOTHING, that she could do, to stop you from loving her. Period. -
Inform her that there are boundaries.
And those boundaries are that (we) must show respect to each other. Period.
If either one is going through something, simply state that, and that they need to deal with their issues on their own. And check in on each other, by the following day. Or whatever you agree too.
If you don’t meet up to do anything together, once a week, find a hobby or something that you enjoy doing together. Or go and do something new … that neither of you have done before.
Like taking a class, or because of Covid-19 … maybe online, or a new skill.
Let your daughter know that you forgive her. Even if she hasn’t apologized. It sounds like she desperately wants your love.
If you generously pour it out … she will respond.
I’m rooting for you! Daughters are precious … and a lot of work! I have one myself.
Do you want your son to keep telling you what she says? If not, tell him to stop too. I think your daughter will come around someday. Until then your heart will be hurting.
Good old fashioned asswhooping
She’s grown. Now she needs to grow up. Let it be. She will either come around or not.
She is an adult… let her go. No mother should have to deal with this from their adult children. They are going to make decisions that you don’t like… let them make those decisions. She is an adult.
This makes me wonder what you mean by “disrespectful.” Maybe this is just my own experience with my mother, to whom I haven’t spoken in months now because of her unhealthy lifestyle and behavior choices that were starting to negatively affect my children, but I think that will answer what you need to do.
Usually when someone cuts off contact with a parent it’s been building for a while. Are you someone who uses “respect” to mean “obedience and affection even when I’m not affectionate or do damaging things,” or are you someone who means “respect” as “understanding that your child is now an adult and her own person and you don’t dictate her life choices and vice versa.”
sometimes our kids grow up to be people we don’t like. you cant have a loving relationship with someone doesn’t want one . what does it matter what she thinks or says about you your house or your other kids what you think matters spend the energy you are wasting on her and use it on making your other kids lives better look to what you are teaching them i have a daughter i haven’t talked to in 30 yrs because she is a hateful violent person i chose not to have that around me or her younger sister i still love her but she hasn’t changed in 30 yrs. she has successfully alienated everyone in her family my heart breaks for her i want so desperately to hold her hug her make it better for her but i realize it just cant be
Show her tough love. It worked for my mom and I. I also seen it with several of my friends. I hated her for a hot minute for not helping me out and telling me no all the time, but now I get it and love her and respect why she did it. My mom and I are close now and talk (more than once) daily. I appreciate her for not letting me get away with being a brat from age 15-22ish. Just keep the door open and let her know you’re there for her when she’s ready for an adult conversation.
Unfortunately, not a damn thing. Wait it out as cold as that sounds. Eventually she will get her head out of her ass. But always leave the door open for her to do so.
Sometimes we lash out at the people we know will forgive us. I hate to suggest that she may be dealing with something you’re unaware of but it’s an uncomfortable possibility.
Yes, cut ties if your mental health needs that but support from a parent is irreplaceable imho
Your daughter is an adult now. She can make the decision to join you in repairing your mother and daughter relationship. It’s so much easier to work on a child-parent relationship when they are kids/preteen or teen but when they are adults, it’s much harder. She doesn’t seem very kind towards you now and I would suggest talking to her whether it be via a letter or kind text to ask for the two of you to work on a better relationship. It needs to come from both of you. Seek advice and counsel from a therapist or church but remember this is now up to her too. I’m sorry that it has come to this. Unfortunately yours is a lesson to other mothers how important it is for us to work on our relationships with our children from a very young age. When they began to disrespect us we had to tackle it immediately and not wait for them to feel comfortable continuing to do so.
Tell her to get a life. Block her and refuse to let her be in your life. Move on
You have done what you can. Don’t shut her out of your life. She’s your child. No matter what the age. She knows the rules you both know how the other one feels. At this point let her know you love her but you won’t be disrespected. And when she’s being disrespectful pull yourself out of the situation and tell her when she’s ready to be an adult and be respectful then you’ll talk and hang out with her. You can keep yourself at arms length and still keep the door open for her.
Sounds like she’s very manipulative.
I’d give her all the space she needs until she grows up
You can’t do a damn thing. At that age and stage of life she only sees her side of the story. It hurts like hell, I know from personal experience, but don’t let her bring you down. Just keep living your life and know it is not you, it’s her. Be strong. Maybe someday they will see we are not the devil
My mom is going to the same situation with my sister her 26 yr old daughter. She feels what you going through
I’m sorry but I don’t think there’s anything you can do besides keep trying …you can’t control what she says about you even if it’s not true it just sounds like she’s jealous of the step boys …is this a new relationship? don’t let her disrespect you but also don’t give up some day she will come around …
I think, regardless of how kids act, it’s hard to just cut ties. Maybe visit with her outside of your home. If she thinks that way about your home, don’t let her come inside. Is she jealous of the time the other kids get with you? Maybe some one on one with just her would help?
Definitely cut her off financially, if that’s a factor. If she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t deserve your money/gifts!
As heartbreaking as it is I would stop trying to make effforts and keepnyour door open always for her but also have rules set and if she dont like or respect the woman who birthed her and raised her then she need not come around just to insult and hurt you! Truth is its hurtting you more trying to mend it then move on and let it be what it is give her a ultimatum if you have to. So sorry your going through this but she seems immature still and likes to go back and forth with this and that for attention. 
Stop giving her the attention shes asking for ignore her if she goles over ok fine stop looking for her first and stop confronting her about what she goes and says about u somewhere else give her the ice treatment hopefully she comes around 🤷🏻♀
Let her be let her be the one to one back just pray for her that god will touch her heart I been there with my kids I will not let my over18 year old run me or my house never that means she won’t nope leave her alone give her time she’s grown like all kids say when there 18
Feel that her hormones are raging, and give her time and she will morph into the lovely adult she’s mean’t to be. It’s my belief that the majority of early teen, male & female go through a stage of being rebellious brats, and when they come through the other side, they are lovely respectful, loving people…just keep the door open and keep love flowing…stick to your rules
.
People like that usually don’t change until you cut them out of your life don’t talk to her or let her near you go completely cold turkey on then she might realize she messed up or she might not
If talking with her hasn’t helped, nothing more you can do. U have to cut her out of ur life till she grows up.
Just ignore and hope for the best
You sound toxic & she finally realized that. She’s grown and has every right to cut toxic narcissistic people out of her life. Good for her. 
I would let her go. Tell her how much yiu love her.
Been there act like it don’t bother you she’s jurkin you around
I’m currently going thru something similar with my adult son. A broken home is absolutely devastating for some kids. She’s hurting. I believe she is totally looking for attention. Anger, resentment, hurtful behavior is born out frustration and feeling neglected. Ignoring her, cutting ties is the worse thing for your daughter and you. Every relationship takes work and compassion. Please, don’t react to the things you’ve heard from other family or people. Freely give one and one time with your daughter. It’s a must. Ask her about her life. Tell her about yours. Respect is a two way street. She is almost an adult, talk and treat to her like one. Building trust and respect is being honest and plain spoken. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Consistency is how that happens. Never give up. If you love her, want that good healthy relationship, it starts by telling her. Give and take. Believe me, it’s not gonna happen right away. Mending broken relationships take time. Set boundaries. If she shouts, gets out of control, calmly tell her you love her, ask her to calm down, take a breath, or you will remove yourself until she can. You cannot control her, but you can control YOU. Set aside time to call or text her, even if it’s just to say hi, you’re thinking about her or you love her. My son and I are slowly making progress this past year, it’s been hard and frustrating. We’ve both had to hear things neither of us wanted to hear from each other, but we also told each other things we’ve always wanted to hear. Please try. Have ALOT of patience and do not give up. LISTEN. REALLY LISTEN AND DON’T BE DEFENSIVE. OWN IT. Show her a strong determined loving MoM. Good luck !
She let her alone she mint come around soon 
First of, you never beg for your kid’s love, it doesn’t work to take responsibility of their actions if you don’t give them the opportunity to apologize for any mistreatments… often, as parents we forgive and move past it, however, it just teaches kids that disrespect will be tolerated, and then you won’t be able to fix that… Second of all, your daughter talks shit about you with people she knows will tell you about it, and does it to get attention from you… you can’t make her be or do anything she doesn’t want to do… hopefully, one day she’ll see the error of her ways, but if she’s been allowed to be the way she is with no repercussions, there’s no way you can do anything about it, she’s an adult and she chooses to be an a*hole with you… I know it sucks, as parents we want the best for our kids and to have the best relationship with them, but you can’t force things…
Beat her ass, how disrespectful of her to talk about you like that. You’re still the mom and she is a child
Go to a therapist good luck
Y’all need family therapy
I know how you feel but some times you have to leave it in. Gods hands and let god handle it
There’s more to this.
I treated my mom like this.
She’s a verbally abusive drunk piece of shit that was in and out of my life
Now that she’s dying and still doesn’t want to stop IDGAF ! I’ve offered help & she doesn’t want it so… I’ll be there to sign the death certificate 
Get a restraining order and do not allow her to come by for no reason cut her ass off and show her better than you can tell her and she’ll come around trust and believe me she will need you before you need her
I cut out both parents and both siblings from my life… Very long stories but I’ve been happier than with them in my life!!
I honestly saw the key words “she thinks i love them more” that MAY be her underlining issue. Do you treat your step kids different then you ever did her? Sounds like jealousy over the step kids honestly. Was she ever mad that you re married and mixed families? Did this attitude start when you and her father split up? These are the main questions i would be thinking about or talking to her about.
I unfortunately have a very toxic daughter. We had an argument in Jan. She left a horrible message on my answering machine saying she’s disowned me. After all the hurt she has caused me I can honestly say IDGAS…I’m done!