My husband is an alcoholic. He has had numerous affairs. I chose to stay so I wouldn’t have to share custody of our 3 children. My children are safe when they are with me. I think I’ve done a really good job at providing a loving, safe, and stable home environment in spite of his sickness.
The affairs hurt though. He’s a loving and affectionate person when he’s sober. He makes poor decisions when he drinks. With each affair comes an incredible amount of emotional pain and sadness.
I’m staying in the marriage for 5 more years (until my youngest graduates). I’m looking for positive feedback as to how to push through. I’m also looking for ideas on self care. Please be easy on me as I’ve endured many years of internal suffering as a result of my decision to stay.
I’ve been to Alanon and we’ve been to a marriage counselor.
Have you considered what your children know and understand. Staying for the protection of them isn’t always the best. They know more than they let on. Likely they are incredibly hurt too.
Please find a way to leave sooner if that’s what you want. You aren’t doing your youngest any favors by staying. They know what’s going on and would rather be in a happy home, than one watching their father like this, and where their mom is unhappy. As for custody, seriously? If he’s a good dad to his kids he should see them too. Your youngest is old enough to make that decision. Maybe they want to still see him, maybe they don’t. But that is not a reason to stay.
You aren’t doing anything good for your children by staying. They see the toll it takes on you. They see a lot more than you realize. No doubt, It is damaging them. Leave him. You can ask the courts for his visits to be supervised if you feel they’re in danger with him. You already have a ton of healing to do, don’t pile on 5 more years worth of pain and misery to add to it. You don’t deserve that and neither do the kids.
As much as you may want your children to grow up with their mom and dad together what you’re doing is showing them that it’s ok to be treated that way so in the future they may allow that type of behaviour to happen to themselves. You need to leave and as hard as that’s going to be your kids will be happier seeing their mom happy rather than suffering. Seek out counselling services for yourself and your children to help throughout this rough time you’re all going through!
You are literally teaching your children that what your “husband” is doing is okay. It will be an absolute cycle. Notice I put husband in parentheses, because honestly I wouldn’t consider him that at all.
Sounds as if your children are old enough to understand and decide if they didn’t want to be alone with your husband. Most of the time they know everything but won’t speak on it or how it makes them feel. Talk to your children. Let them be open and honest about everything. Do not make their feelings invalid! Trust me. They see and know things you don’t think they do. Maybe they aren’t saying anything to protect YOU! Just be ready to listen to them. It will probably hurt you more than any abuse you have been through with your husband but you need to let them get it out too. Also you’re showing them its OK to stay in that kind of relationship or behave that way towards their partner.
i did this and it worked until he got sick and i was really stuck , he had no family and no insurance but what i had thru my job , i went to 2 attorneys and found out i would have to pay him alimony , if i left when he was sick . , i would advise you to look at the long term consequences of staying too long good luck
I’ve always heard “a drunk mouth speaks sober thought” if he’s cheating while he’s drunk, he wants to when he’s sober and probably does. This is not because your not enough this is because he’s not enough for you or your babies! Please know that you can fight for full custody, I would bring up his alcoholism every time I spoke to a judge. Your babies are watching you, and they are learning what is acceptable to deal with and what is not. And staying is teaching them its ok. I feel for you, I’ve been there, if you get away it will feel so good, like 100lbs has been taken off your shoulders.
Only you know what is best and can do what’s best for your children. I’m in a very similar situation. Sometimes leaving will cause more issues than staying, I understand. Make time for yourself. Even if it’s an hour.
I’m sorry, but from experience, please don’t stay for the kids… I’m sure they know what is going on….Staying will make them think they should stay in a bad relationship, especially if they have kids
Attend those Alanon meetings regularly and if your children are old enough to understand take them to meetings with you. Go regularly and follow the steps.
Could you take an hour or two a week to do yoga/walk/get nails done/ massage etc?
I’m not gonna try give advice on your parenting/choice to say because I understand every situation is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT - just know you’re not alone my lovely. Whilst I’m in a healthy relationship now, I’ve experienced some insane trauma from previous relationships. Self-care is finding just a smidge of time to focus on you & your feelings & thoughts. I found the bath with candles & relaxing music was a saviour. Albeit I had a bottle of wine whilst doing it but that may not be appropriate in your situation.
Breathe. Now your worth. Know your children will love you unconditionally always & forever no matter what. I can promise you that.
From one strong ass mama (who provides everything with no support from the ex) to another mama - trust me!!!- YOU GOT THIS! No matter how YOU choose to handle it xxx If you see this, pls don’t hesitate to PM me. You’re not alone xxx
Please don’t try to rationalize his behavior, if you plan on staying I understand but don’t think that his drinking is the cause, HE is the cause, I have been black out drunk and knew exactly who I was sleeping with, not to mention he makes the conscious decision to put himself in these situations even knowing how they hurt you. My best piece of advice is to except this won’t change while you are there and you need to put yourself and your needs above him, open up your marriage, make sure you aren’t forgetting that you deserve attention and feeling like your wanted, he will continue to cheat and your going to build a lot of resentment from that, so I’d advise making the decision to look elsewhere and try to find some joy in a messed up situation
It’s sad to see a woman stay in this situation. If the parents aren’t happy neither are the kids. Truthfully you’re not doing those kids a favor as you’re teaching them having a spouse that acts like that is acceptable. In truth you’re definitely not setting a great example of how they should be in an adult relationship, regardless of what you think, kids aren’t stupid they more than likely know and see what’s going on and choose not to say anything bc mom accepts the behavior so they should accept that kind of behavior.
You are not doing any favors for your kids living like that. So your youngest is 12 or 13? Your kids are all old enough to know exactly what is going on. Ask your kids how they feel
Have you done individual and family counseling? Addiction is a family problem, as it affects everyone. Your kids are learning what to expect and accept in relationships. Do they attend alateen?
You staying for the kids is making it worse for the kids . They’re old enough to know what’s going on. And if he knows you’re not leaving no matter what, his behavior will never change. You’ve shown him how to treat you by staying
This was my childhood. My mom stayed with my alcoholic dad for wayyyy too long. She did as best as she could to give us a safe and loving home too, but the older we got, the more we realized how messed up our family was. I begged and pleaded with her to leave him. She finally left when I was 17, and my siblings were 15 and 11.
Your kids probably know what’s going on. They can feel the hurt and tension even if they don’t show it. Talk to them. Staying for the kids is never the answer!
My parent decided to stay with my alcoholic parent for similar reasons. I get what you are saying and as did my father to at the time. You want to protect. I am 36 now and still healing from the trauma, the “constant state of not knowing how my alcoholic mother would react” see what my father didn’t realize is as he was protecting me, I was developing and learning from that. I am now an adult child of an alcoholic. I have horrible relationships, I go for men with substance abuse. I am in a constant state of “what ifs” and thinking worse case senerios because that’s how I had to think and learn as a child of an alcoholic and living with them full time. Learned behaviors are very hard to reverse. I am on 2 different medications and now at 36 finally realizing my childhood was wrong and I have to now unlearn behaviors. Also due to the fact my father was busy tending to my mother, I never had the full support of dealing with my own emotions…which down the road made me unaware of how to feel my feelings in a correct healthy manner. Now I have my own kids and it wasn’t until then (thankfully) that I realized something was wrong with my own parenting and I am now on 3 yrs with a psychiatrist and therapist weekly to learn how to feel my own feelings in a healthy way. I know you don’t want to hear this but there is time still to not protect your children but fight for their future mental health. Also to add, due to the fact I was attracted to people with substance abuse , I then came across one guy and I was abused myself. As I begged my father numerous times, leave him and get your children into therapy immediately. I would never wish on anyone else what I had to endure.
I still love my father he was trying to do what’s best in his mind, not knowing the damage it would cause. I now have an okay relationship with my mother with alot of boundaries in place.
I know this situation is hard. Staying for the kids is hard and harmful. Leaving and not being able to keep them safe when they are with him is hard and painful.
My advice would be work on creating your own life, build your spirit up, take up a hobby (I recently starting hiking, really hiking, and it’s been liberating) Just do you, love on your kids as much as you can.
As a child of this same environment years ago. The happiest and best thing that my mama did for us, was LEAVE. I was in high school when she did, my brother a middle schooler and My sister in preschool. We all look back and are so proud she got up the courage to finally be done for good. For us, and herself
You need to think of you’re own mental health here, you can’t provide emotionally for ur kids if you’re not happy yourself. The first affair should have been you’re answer on walking. It’s so hard but it’s harder feeling so worthless, and you’re kids are watching everything, you’re son will grow up thinking it’s ok to treat women like that and you’re daughters will grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated like that. Iv just come out of a 6 year alcoholic abusive relationship, I’m pregnant with our 3rd, I have an almost 1 year old and a 4 year old. It’s so tough but id rather do it alone than haveto worry about him and what he’s doing or who he’s with all the time.
Get out, before it’s too late.
Sadly you’re wasting your life away. Even though you may think that’s a stable home for your kids it isn’t. They know. They’re so smart and they sense everything. I hope and pray you children do not learn from him and think that’s ok. You need to take care of you too.
For sure go to alanon. That way you will have others to talk to that know what you are going through. I would also find a hobby that will help clear you mind from time to time. Running and painting pottery are two of my favorites. You can also journal at night to get all the thoughts out and help clear your mind.
Everyone here has given good solid advice,please listen and act on it. Do get your kids involved in your decision making because they know more than you think and need to be able to express themselves too. Good Luck!
Leave, I stayed and it messes with my son.he needed help to get thru school and suffers mentally because of it. I stayed for him thinking it was the best thing for him . Trust me , it wasn’t! I feel so bad I stayed! He paid those price.
My ex husband is an alcoholic and was physically mentally and emotionally abusive, only to me. I stayed for 12 years. I knew two years before I left, that I was done, but was injured in a motor vehicle accident and wasn’t able to work, due to surgery and physical therapy. We had one car, and he was gone all the time. I finally left him 5/12 /2019 after he went to jail for pointing a loaded shot gun at me in front of my oldest daughter(9 now, 6 then). My daughters are traumatized. I’m thankful I left when I did, but wished I would have left sooner.
You should consider leaving now. Subjecting your children daily to the effects of living with a drunken father will have lasting negative effects on them and you. Get out while you’re young and meet someone that will bring you joy not misery.
Leave!! You and your children will be so better off! You all deserve better! It will have an emotional effect on your children the rest of their lives!
Do things that make you happy. I don’t think you’ll be staying for 5 more years. If you do though it’s really important to focus on yourself and what makes you feel whole.
Doing it for the kids is not a good idea. They aren’t stupid and know what’s going on. Better for everyone to end it ASAP do your best to heal and grow and show your kids that treating someone like your husband had treated you all isn’t acceptable & that nobody has to live with abuse
I tried this through the exact same situation. I finally left. My boys will not grow up thinking it’s ok to treat a woman like their father did. I never had help with our 2 boys and he was so mean to our oldest. I left when our little was 4mnths old. It was the beat decision I ever made. He will not quit cheating because he knows you’ve accepted it. And I don’t give af if he says its because the alcohol, that’s a flat out lie. If he’s sober, he will still cheat. You have allowed it, so he will keep on eating his cake as well. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to see their mom happy. Keeping them in a toxic environment is never good for them and they will blame themselves if anything ever happens or find out why you stayed. It’s hard at first, but once you leave…you feel everything come off the shoulders that you didn’t even know was there. You’re lighter, happier, and free. You’re no longer stressed, snapping, ect. Will you be sad for awhile? Yes. Will you still hold resentment, anger, feel lonely, ask yourself the “what if” questions? Also, yes. But after a while, you’ll be soo much happier and healthier. And so will your children
Why Waste 5 More Years Of Your Life You’ll Never Get Back?! You’re Worth So Much More. You Deserve To Live Life Happy!! You Have To Love Yourself To Be The Best Mother For Your Children. You’re Also Showing Your Children It’s Ok For Someone To Do Horrible Things To You And Stay In A Toxic And Unhappy Relationship.
Sooo keeping yourself and more importantly, your KIDS in a toxic,unhealthy environment is better than getting your kids out of the situation and seeing their mom happy?!
Find something that will help you build up your sense of self, kick boxing, get a gym membership, see a counselor (it’s healthy for anyone). Start just talking care of yourself and focus on that and the kids. When you are ready, you will do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Whether it is next week or in 5 years as you said. Once you start taking care of yourself and start feeling better about you it will get easier to see what you are capable of and make you stronger to do what you need to be happy.
You want self care? Then have the courage to leave.you need to love yourself first . Plan your move. Talk to a lawyer. Start having a life. That’s self care.
Your first concern should be you and the kids. The sleeping around is mental abuse, not to mention what he could be bringing home to you. You deserve better, no one deserves to be treated like this. Your article doesn’t mention financial aspects if you can do it on your own, go now. You already know the marriage is over, if you are going to stay, start making a nest egg by putting money away now, so you will have some money when you do decide leave.
All I can say is -:
Believe in yourself that you can do this, if the reason is important enough to you then so be it.
YOU ARE a strong woman
YOU ARE a loving mum
STAY POSITIVE
5 YEARS will fly by fast
During this time plan for the after those 5 years and go on the biggest adventure/holiday you’ve ever been on
Youll deserve it!!
Good luck c
You should leave for your own heart. But since you are wanting to stay for your kids. I wanna say you’re amazing & I understand. As long the kids are exposed to y’all’s problems then kudos to you. Stay strong momma. My advice is slowly pull yourself back, make it where this is no feelings to be hurt. 1. He will notice 2. Hopefully it will lead to him changing. Self care could be your own counsler, i think that would be such a huge help for you as you plan on staying 5 more years. Also journaling could help you tremendously. It’s personally not my thing but I have tried it and it was relaxing, meditation. Their is ton on YouTube for free. Find an outlet, boxing, yoga. I wish you luck & hope you find peace in all of this. You can message me if you want.
Stop second guessing your power and boss back up before he zaps the rest of your energy and you end up getting taken thru something you may not come back from or get out of!! Trust me don’t do it to yourself or the kids you deserve better and he will never be able to put the work in to get you or the family where you all need to be. This is someone who wants to see another woman make it out before its too late!
Keep going to Alanon and counseling by yourself. Read books and watch uplifting motivational speakers.
I personally wouldn’t stay for the kids because that is toxic for them as well. The courts could order rehab or supervise visitation instead of you thinking you need to stay.
Prayers for what must feel like an impossible situation…I hope you make it, 5 years is a long time, but so is the 13+ you’ve done so far. I’d think God is your best option here.
I’ve been in pretty much the exact situation and stayed for 17 yrs. Leave, it will hurt and I have changed as a person, I don’t even know who I am sometimes but the situation you are in is not going to change. Keep your head up. It’s gets better after a while. The pain does hurt less, but it’s been 6 years for me.
I’m an adult child of an alcoholic and a drug addict and I wish my mother had been strong enough to give my father an ultimatum when I was a young child. And ultimately I wish she would have left. The mental and emotional issues I have as a result of my fathers issues is not what any child deserves. You need to protect your children.
Well I’m sorry you are struggling, hang in there. Remember………until he decides to change, this is how it’s going to be! Think about your children. Do you want them to be in a relationship like you are? Surly not. Don’t stay in it for them, they didn’t ask for this. Life too short to be miserable. I think you know what the right thing to do here is. He’s not going to change, it’s all up to you! Good luck
You are not providing a safe and stable home for your kids. You are just teaching them this is okay and this is what relationships are about. Kids pick up on things even if we don’t say anything or act out in front of them. If he’s a drunk like you claim I doubt a judge will give him custody until he proves he’s clean. Put your big girl panties on and think about your children.
Although you may think that the environment you are in is best for your children I’m sure that they are safe however if Mom is not mentally and emotionally happy the children are affected in some way. There’s no need to stay, and you should most definitely start the process of getting out now. You’re just prolonging you’re hurt and your pain you’re breaking your own heart by continuing to stay with someone who obviously has no intentions of bettering themselves or changing or getting the proper long-term help that they need.
And as far as having to share your children the courts are not going to put your children with unsupervised visits if your husband has a drinking problem and you have evidence and history of him having a drinking problem. Don’t prolong the process, it’s very important to make a move now so that you can be happy and your children can truly be happy because now mom’s happy and she’s not emotionally hurting inside you may think that they don’t know they know.
The only way to move forward is to cut out the things or people that make you feel these ways. I know the kids are important but every time you let this man do this, you are saying “here’s my power, I don’t need it, you can take it” your kids are going to learn from that, and eventually be in relationships of their own. Teaching them the right way, isn’t always easy.
Sorry to tell you but if your children are being exposed to his alcoholism they are not in a stable environment. Has your husband considered getting into a recovery program?
Start putting your ducks in order now… Your heart deserves better, your children are old enough now to know you have to respect yourself… The sooner you take the bulls by the horns the better…
You should leave for your child’s sake. You’re teaching your children that his behavior is acceptable and its not! There’s no way they think their in a loving home with dad doing these things. Even if you think they don’t know, trust me, they do. Been there. Not the alcoholic part but one parent cheating on the other. We knew. We didn’t know the details, but we knew. We were so much happier after our parents separated. You and the child remaining at home will be so much happier after you do.
When your children are adults in counciling or therapy (which they will) the narrative will not be that my mother stayed in the marriage for us, it will be my father was an abusive, philandering alcoholic and my mom was too weak to do anything to get us out of that situation, be strong and act courageous for the them
remember everyone … “positive thoughts” … if she wants to stay and allow herself and her children to continue to get hurt then that’s what she wants to do
(((((((((Big warm fuzzy Hugs))))))))) Pray about it and ask for God’s will. Surrender your heart to him and be open to him to guide you. He has the perfect answers for you.
I am not sure what to say that is really positive except you are responsible for your own happiness and know your WORTH!!! Remain strong momma!!! Inbox me if you ever just wanna talk to someone. Let’s just say I know what you are going through.
Your kids watching you in an emotionally abusive relationship is more traumatic for them then you being a single parent.
Contrary to what you think and what others are saying you are not providing them with a safe loving environment because if that were true then your husband wouldn’t be doing what he is doing. You need to get out of the relationship or suffer in silence because at this point you know what he’s doing and you chose to stay so can you really complain? No you can’t but your children should not have to suffer through the toxic shit you are forcing them to go through with you because you can’t let go
I was in your position tried to hang onto an alcoholic husband until he beat be up so badly he caused a permanent injury that has caused me to live with chronic pain for nearly 20 years. Doctors will do nothing to help with the pain because they think I am a drug seeker. I also have severe PTSD, anxiety and major depressive disorder, bad enough it took less than a year to be approved for disability. Please consider leaving and filing for full custody by staying you are only teaching your children that this is acceptable behavior. I assume your youngest is 12-13 they are old enough to understand what is going on.
Leave! That’s really unhealthy to stay in this kind of marriage for “another 5 years”! That’s another 5 years of your kids seeing you unhappy, stressed, crying, hurt etc. There are plenty of ways to help you cope with this but staying in it isn’t one of them! All your going to do is brace yourself when he drinks because you KNOW what he will do! I grew up with an alcoholic parent and my mother did everything she could to protect me and my brother from it! I’m grateful that she did what she did because I wasn’t exposed to a lot of what I could have been exposed to! If it’s an unhealthy home, change it! It’s not easy but your kids should come first!
I would say your kids probably know more than you realise… they would actually probably be happy to see their mum happy rather than stuck in a place where she is unhappy… even if it is their dad.
Choosing to stay, I would suggest encourage your husband to make some changes as well as taking time out for yourself, do things you enjoy and that you find therapeutic (walking, exercises, girls dates, meditation, reading, cooking ect). Hope you figure everything out and the healing process soon
Please don’t “stay together for the kids”. If you’re not happy your kids are also suffering. Even if you’re keeping them safe while you’re around. I wasted 17 years of my life with an abusive man and had similar thought about “staying for the kids” before I finally found the strength to leave. Don’t sacrifice any more time. Get out now. It’s going to hurt for a while but it gets better. You can’t focus on being a good mother over the next 5 years while dealing with this situation. To be there for your youngest and for yourself, get out now.
I resent the crap out of my mom for staying with my dad. You’re not protecting your kids from anything by staying. Don’t joke.
They’ll look back and think you didn’t care enough about them to leave.
You’re not doing your children any favors by staying cuz you’re teaching them it’s ok to be walked all over. U won’t have to do shared parenting cuz no judge in their right mind would give him any type of custody. If he cares enough for them then he would get help so he would be able to see them and you’re not doing him any favors by overlooking his faults.
Maybe sit him down and explain to him(when he’s sober) how you are feeling…tell him if he starts going to meeting and admits he has a problem you are there for him and will help.him thru this and it will not be easy…but if he doesn’t you have no other choice but to leave him and file for divorce…maybe he just needs a wake up call and this may be it…if he feels he’s truly gonna lose his family over the bottle he may wake up…it’s comes down to him choosing the bottle or his family…if he don’t agree to your terms then you know where you and your kids stand
I don’t think she’s staying “for the kids” in the sense most are associating it with. She stated she doesn’t want to share custody, which she more than likely would. Yes, she could report his addiction, but generally the courts will work with the parent to create a plan to help them overcome it. So in the middle of all that he could still be granted visitation, and she does not feel they are safe with him alone. I’ve seen it happen many times. As long as the addicted parent is “working a program” they are granted their visitation and it isn’t always supervised. Therefore this mother feels her children are safer if she stays as she can “supervise” their time with dad. It isn’t the same as “staying for the kids”.
With that said, you need to emotionally detach yourself. If you plan to divorce anyway, stop worrying about what he does. He obviously isn’t going to change. Your youngest is 13/14 and he’s still doing it, he won’t stop. I know easier said than done, as there is no greater pain than the man you love betraying you, but you have to let go. Live your life, however you see fit. Find happiness outside your marriage That way you don’t become bitter over the next five years.
Meditation, clear mind and soul . Self love and healing . He didn’t do any of those things to you he is human he will falter . Don’t let his mistakes become YOUR burdens . That’s his baggage to carry so let HIM carry that not you . You are worth love and respect and you can give that to yourself you don’t need it from anyone else . Love YOU like you never have before this is your time to shine BEST OF LUCK
I would leave him, take your kids and you will be so much happier xxxxx
That way you don’t become bitter over the next five years.