One great quote I always like to tell people is; I’d rather be a single mom, than show my child an unhappy marriage.
I think you should leave. At this point with your youngest only having 5 years left of school, they’re old enough to say “I don’t want to live with or see my dad” take care of you mama, the kids will respect that.
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Dont waste time, speaking from experience. My son told me I should have left sooner, youre ruining your kids.
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You are lying to yourself. Your home is toxic. Only you can change it. You deserve better… you were not born to be his doormat. And I dismayed that you only want support for your horrible decision. The kids come first. Your suffering is irrelevant. You can start your real life TODAY. Suffering comes with motherhood. Mothers should protect their children. Mine did not. I broke the cycle. Your daughters know everything. How can they make good relationships if all they know is toxic?
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Being drunk is just an excuse for his cheating. You don’t see him trying to stop? Also, if your youngest graduates in 5 years, that means they’re 13. At 14, in most states, they can speak up about who they want to live with. The kids are not a reason to stay.
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I am so very sorry that you feel defeated and stuck.
Especially in todays times it’s hard to even find a safe, affordable home (as a single person let alone a parent)
Keep going to Alanon and getting the support and understanding you need.
Sending love and positive thoughts your way 
The most loving thing you can do for yourself, your children and the abuser is to leave. On an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. You need to show your children the strength of separating from toxicity and stop enduring abuse.
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My self care advice is for you to take the kids and go! This is so harmful to you and them more than you know! Alcohol addiction is a messy addiction and he hasn’t gotten help yet? Help yourself to end the heartache for you and your kids. You are letting him take away your life right along with his
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I grew up in an alcoholic home that was VIOLENT. GET OUT!!! I was in Alateen and Alanon for over 13 year. You can only change yourself. The damage to your children has already been done and you need to pray that they do not continue the cycle of abuse when they become adults because that probability is GREAT. Even with your efforts to have a safe and secure home for your children they KNOW that something is not right. GET OUT!!! Until he decides that he needs to stop FOR HIMSELF NOTHING WILL CHANGE. HE can not change for you or your children!!!
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Leave. Your children will see or have already seen everything. You’re teaching them that even though someone treats you poorly and doesn’t value you, you should stay to make other people happy. Yes, mothers sacrifice for their kids. But we don’t teach them to let people treat you like garbage.
Send his ass to AA and take your kids. You’ve suffered enough. " kids are safe when with me " which means they aren’t when you’re not around ?
If you’ve been to Al Anon ,you already have your answer. You must put YOURSELF first.
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Have you fully given up on your marriage? Do you think your husband could ever change? Is your husband abusive? All very important questions I have…
Leave now the kids are old enough to understand
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IF this is a situation where you’re truly just hanging on for the kids and plan to get out when when the kiddo graduates then I say why don’t you start working on your own life? Find a hobby, make a friend, learn what you love to do so when that time comes you’re not lost.
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Your decision to say has personal reasons and only someone who knows your life’s experiences and how you arrived at this decision will understand. If you have made the decision to stay for 5 years see a psycologist and ask them to help you learn to detach emotionally from your husband. If you succeed, his shenanigans will cease to hurt you. And when it comes time to leave it won’t be that difficult. Essentially if you can’t leave you have to learn to live with it and that’s where detaching yourself comes into the picture.
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Your children are of age to say they don’t want to live with their dad. Have respect for yourself and the children and get out of that marriage. Show your kids what a strong mother they have. Show them that its not okay to be abused.
You should leave. It’s going to continue to hurt. Every single one. It’ll kill your self esteem and who you are. Believe me. Alcohol is a poor excuse. They’ll never feel bad and it’s like you’re accepting that treatment while you stay. I have gone to therapy and they say leave. You need to heal. Your kids shouldn’t have to be present for that. You might think you keep them safe but they aren’t blind, I’m sure. It’s hard to go, especially if you have to start over but it sounds awful. The only way to feel better about the affairs is to go and take care of you and your children.
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Don’t make a bad example for your kids. I grew up thinking a lot of things were okay when they weren’t. Staying is not helping you or them.
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You should discuss with your kids what they know and want. Tell them what you are trying to provide. I admire what you are doing.
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If you don’t think your kids already know you are out of touch. Leave and have a good life
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I hope they can also learn what a healthy relationship should look like and that your want more for them than what you accepted in your own relationship. I know how hard what you’re doing is… hope you can find another way 
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She didnt ask to be judged. She asked for support and finding self care. You don’t know what you would do until your in that situation, Im sure she feels bad enough. Show some compassion. Hasnt she already suffered enough…
If it were me I’d start going to church and find support there , maybe you will find what your looking for. Best wishes and prayers
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I kinda feel like the kids are being used as excuse to stay. When she first said she was staying because of the kids I took it as they are really young. Momma stop using the kids and move on they are pretty much grown. Wish you the best of luck.
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Only you can put yourself first and it doesn’t happen till you find your limit. Once you stop crying and start thinking about you then things will fall together. Kids are the smartest of the world and they feel the tension and the vibes in your home. They want a happy mom not one that stays with someone else who doesn’t see her worth.
I know this may sound a bit absurd… but it helped me.
Go get super dolled up, wear something cute and comfortable, and just go out on a walk, or take yourself out to coffee, or just sit outside for a bit. Date yourself. Buy yourself something at least once a week. And affirmations. I still do affirmations every single day, and now I do them with my almost 3 year old.
“I am smart. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am awesome. I can do anything.”
Face masks and Lotion. I do face masks before the shower, and I try to remember to lotion and use leave in conditioner on my hair. It feels good to be moisturized and clean.
Drinking water with sliced up fruits in it* THIS one right here… It’s so helpful and super yummy too.
Really, just do some little things for yourself, too. Do what you do for your husband and your babies every single day, for yourself.
Sending you love, and wishing you the best 
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Exercise daily, walks, bubble baths, great support of girlfriends.
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You’re a better woman than I am. That’s all I’m going to say. In the meantime, try to skim some money here and there if you can and start a savings. You should have plenty enough in 5 years to comfortably get started on your own. You sound like a great mama. Good luck!
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No advice but I have nothing but love and admiration for you 
hang on in there only you know the best way to navigate through these last few years but trust me girl you’ve got this and good times and better days full of the things you deserve are just on the horizon. Know this… You have inspired me by showing true grit and determination and truly putting your children’s best interests before your own
Cultivate strong bonds with others. Find it at volunteering at school, church or working outside the home. Create a life for yourself and people that you can trust. Pray. Live boldly. Staying takes a lot of strength
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Have you thought about taking a class in something?? That way when your 5 years is up you have some options.
Hurry & save money!! If he has affairs, one might end in having another child with someone else. I hope that doesn’t happen, but it’s reality. Be safe & I’ll be praying for a beautiful outcome in the end for you & your babies.
25 years ago I was were you are now. I left when my youngest turned 16. I wanted to leave sooner but he threatened that wherever I was living, he would come in the night and take my children. My children were angry with me that I didn’t leave sooner at first.
It sounds like your kids are of age to decide who they want to live with so if you do leave the courts look highly on the thoughts of a child in regards to visitation….every states different but the children decision usually lands around 12 and up. My husband is attorney and I used to be a guardian ad Litem professionals can see through manipulation 99% of the time
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He is an alcoholic sweetheart, you have to stop covering for him and think of yourself. He needs to want to stop…your not really helping your children learn to live in the real world if you allow him to continue to drink and you stay and keep covering for him and your actually killing yourself whilst you do that. I understand wanting to keep your family together but your boys could actually grow up axaclly like their father and have alcoholic tendency, opening there eyes to it now may serve them better in the future to see what alcohol can really do to a family. I am speaking from experience.
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There is a support group for spouses of alcoholics. I believe it’s called Alnon? Maybe if you can find meetings in your area, that could help cope until you’re ready to leave. Go get your nails done, meditate, PRAY, get up and dress up everyday…
I would take all the money I can get from him is if he’s drunk you don’t know how much he’s got and move on with my kids and make him pay child support the kids will be much happier and so will you
Nothing is going to change until you leave him. I know where you’re at because I chose to stay over many issues in my relationship as well. It might not seem like the kids can tell but I can assure you they do even if they don’t admit it. You have to get out. For you and for them
I did the same thing for 20 years until I couldn’t anymore.
Then my teenager daughter came to me and said it’s time for you to divorce Dad.
You deserve more…
Best thing I ever did as it was costing me more than I could have ever imagined, especially what I was teaching my daughter.
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Honestly, you’re doing them zero favors by sticking it through. File for full custody with supervised visitation.
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Go on a date. Love yourself.
You are actually doing them a disservice. I guarantee they know everything that is going on.
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Your kids aren’t stupid. They know what is going on. They will respect you more if you start respecting yourself.
Self care tip? Don’t wait 5 years to leave. Get your fresh start now.
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By not leaving you may push you kids away from you as well. I know my oldest resents me, she didn’t talk to me for awhile. And she still won’t speak to her father. Alcoholics are out of control, you really need to reevaluate your situation, one day he may come home and kill you all. Better to leave now then look down from Heaven and wished you had left sooner. Best of luck to you.
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5 more years of putting up with his
shit five more years of him walking all over u
5 more years of ur kids watching their dad be a drunk and thinking thats ok ? Naaa
5 years is a long time girl 5 years you could be with someone who loves u only u respects you and doesnt hit the bottle
Life is short dont waste it take 6 months gather up what finances get in order what u need and get ur self outta there
You can do all the self care you need but I don’t see how that’s going to help if your gonna stay
Why stay? To ensure pain and heartache you deserve happiness took me 30 years to finally walk away and holy it’s amazing. I am happier than I have ever been and no more worries about what he is doing. My heart is healing and just working on myself at the moment
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Your teaching a son that his fathers behavior is ok and it’s ombré treat women like that, and you’re teaching a daughter that it’s ok to let a man treat you like that. You aren’t doing them any good. You need to get out now.
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Ok so I’m going to do my best to be not judgemental because me myself I have personally went through it and currently am still in a way. I’ve also been the kid witnessing it. Everyone here saying get out now I finally did it’s great…then how come you didn’t get out of it sooner then you did? No one will until they’re ready to do so. She’s a strong women for wanting to leave and she’s an even stronger woman for wanting to stay bc she only has good intentions at heart and that’s her children. As a child who’s witnessed myself. I assure you they already know. And they will want you happy. If it’s the monetary part or house you’re worried about. Start working on things to be independent. Get some schooling in, get a pt job. Get on section 8 housing waitlists. There’s domestic violence shelters that will help you without even staying in them. They have help for housing. Funding resources. Groups where you talk and meet with others in situations (great way to build support and friends) and they almost always have legal help services in case you do want to leave earlier. If he’s an alcohol start documenting things. Take pics of evidence. save texts. Get him to admit the affairs somehow. No judge is going to grant an unhealthy person custody if you got all your ducks in a row. You got this whichever way you go love. But remember your happiness matters too! N you deserve love. Take care
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You think your children don’t know?? You think they respect him?
Honey, it’s time to go. If you have gotten help too cope but stay in the environment, you can’t. You can’t cope or heal. You aren’t teaching your children anything but how to accept & endure abuse. This is their guide to how to be married…
Your children need therapy too…before they repeat your life.
What would you tell your daughter?? Stick it out? 
Start smoking weed and get you a side Nig*a
So you’ve taught your children to just stay with someone who disrespects you and abuses you.
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Please have the original poster Dm me I have some amazing pod casts to share and I know exactly how it feels. Xx
Unfortunately, by staying with him you are showing your children how not to care about yourself; by seeing their father drunk they may think that’s okay too. You staying with him isn’t right for you or your children. You are strong and you need to get out of there. Take long walks, garden, read, hobbies, mindfulness, gym are all things you can do.
Leave now. Start healing today. The youngest one is old enough to see what’s going on and make a choice. Unless you need him and holding on thinking he will change
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It would probably really help to find a way to leave. You’ll be happier. Sometimes the hard choice is a relief in the end. Good luck.
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Please don’t stay for the kids sake. It’s doing so much more harm than good. 
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You’re enabling and keeping a terrible example for the kids. Part of me kinda gets why because I would be terrified to leave my kids with someone like that but leaving with the kids might be the push he needs to get help and do better.
You can’t fake happiness, staying just until the kids finishing school is only gonna damage them more in the long run, Knowing you stayed when you were miserable. Happy mum happy kids. …you are doing this for you.
My mum said this, my youngest brother finished up school last year. She’s too reliant on the income
Ignore all the rude people. Your staying for your babies because they’re safe. But are you? For self care id get out walk around explore new things and places. Go for nature walks. Read books get stoned paint rocks go jogging have your own little happiness/side piece. Get your hair done your nails heck go to a bar and have a drink. Most importantly love yourself.
Whenever you leave you and your kids will be truly happy. Time is not promised either. One day your here and the next your gone.
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Sorry but if you want a stable home environment for your children you wouldn’t be staying in this marriage. Self care starts with looking after yourself and fixing how miserable you are! Your kids know and realise what’s going on around them!! don’t stay because you don’t want to share custody your only doing yourself and your kids more damage. Your also enabling it because with you knowing about the affairs then staying he will just think you will be there no matter what he does, he’s going to think he can get away with it. Sharing custody is better then getting hurt.
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I can tell you as the child who grew up in this type of household (and assuming your youngest is 12/13/14) they know what’s going on. Personally, my life was so much better when my parents spilt. I was happier and so were they. My friends asked me all the time if I was ok- my parents were together for 14 years of my life - I surprised everyone by saying I was happier. I was done listening to my parents fight. Watching my dad mistreat my mom. The drunken yelling was gone. There was no hostility.
Please. For your kids. Leave.
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Sadly staying is never keeping them safe as much as you want or feel your keeping them safe they see and hear so much more then you realise I’m sorry if I sound nasty I really don’t mean to be but if only you could talk to my oldest children and the affects it has had on them and the huge guilt I feel is unbareable its been 14 years since I’ve been out of the situation but the after affects are still there
Why are you staying?? You dont get a refund of time on a bad relationship and your kids are not learning about a healthy relationship. Staying in a bad relationship does more harm on the kids then good.
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It’s really out of date thinking to stay in a marriage because of the children. Children do alot better when they’re not in a toxic environment. If you think they don’t see what you’re trying to keep them safe from, you’re wrong.
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I’d say go ahead and mentally start separating yourself from him. Make yourself busy with hobbies, a new career path that you’ve always wanted to pursue, take trips with your friends or family, go back to school, do anything you want as long as it’s for YOU. This is only if you absolutely have to stay. If it were me, I’d have left long ago. Everything falls into place with the child custody. Stop being scared and stop letting him hold you in a mental prison. Do something for yourself for once and you’ll be just fine.
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Self care would be leaving.
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You choose to stay so you choose to condone thie treatment
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Seeing as how I was in a similar situation. It’s by no means healthy to stay at all. Your kids see everything! My kids suffered a lot of trauma, as did I. Please get out. Your kids don’t need to see a toxic relationship everyday .
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You don’t stay for the kids I been there done that 20 years and I was wrong to stay that long
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Why are you staying? Your children are old enough to understand. … You don’t need to be a martyr. Save you save your kids. Only he can save himself. If you want, stay friends. When he is sober
Besides you don’t know what " gifts" he’s sharing. Lot of STDs out there
U would guess his money goes to booze.Yiu support the family
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If you can live like that. It is YOUR choice.
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You’re doing more harm than good. Your children will grow up thinking this behavior is normal, and it will have an impact on how they see relationships in the future.
Staying for the sake of the kids is an old fashioned and outdated mentality.
You are enabling your husband and condoning his treatment of you.
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My husband was and still is an alcoholic, we tried living together in separate rooms for about a year. When it got to where I couldn’t hide it from the kids or family any more.I finally decided it was time to separate. At first my kids were upset with me (at that time they were ages 10,12,and 15) we shared joint custody, he had visitation whenever he wanted it and picked them up every other weekend. On those weekends they were subjected to his drinking (I wasn’t there to cover for him). They are all in their 30’s now and told me how my leaving was the best thing I could of done for them and myself. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, we had been together since I was 15, he was 19…at first I thought it was cool he could buy beer, but when you are in your mid 30’s married to a drunk it is a whole different story…It is not healthy for you or your kids…my suggestion is to not keep subjecting yourself or your kids to a unhealthy environment…speaking from experience, they will thank you in the end…good luck
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Staying “for the kids” isn’t for the kids… it’s the fear of heartbreak and being alone… self care is leaving
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The kids already know the drill with his drunkeness. I accually think your wonderful for putting up with it so the kids don’t have more pain But I would leave as soon as you fine you can you’ve given up a lot I hope god blesses you He has a sickness he can’t get rid of too bad
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The only thing you can do to relieve your pain is leave, your youngest child is graduating in 5 years, so I assume they are 12-13, which in most places is old enough to choose which parent they want to live with. You can ask the court to have supervised visits. But until you leave you won’t be able to truly be happy. And if he has gone to alanon and you have done counselling that says that he doesn’t want to stop….I hope you can make the right decision for you and your family.
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She has stayed because risking her kids being in his care even for visitation is risky and makes her feel that leaving isn’t the right choice. A judge unfortunately unless the children are in direct danger and she can prove it will not completely take them away from the father…
Although leaving now is the best choice, if u feel u cannot make that decision at least prepare your life for leaving in the future. Save money to move out and limit your exposure to this man when he is drinking. Also maybe talk to him and see if getting help for the drinking is a possibility at all
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You are making a mistake,specially for the children. When they become adult they are going on blame you for staying .That exactly happened to my sister. They had five children. They saw their father drinking every weekend .They are adult and they blame their mother for staying .
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Keep going to al anon it will help you build up strength and support. If possible go for counseling just for you. You can leave him. You may just be enabling him if you stay and it’s not good for the kids.
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Why not divorce and get supervised visitation for him?
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Co habitate. I did it with my ex and worked great. Once the dynamic changes and there were no expectations we had a great life…still did things as a family. Neither could bring someone home and that was pretty much the only rule other than one of us was already there.
I’m sure this isn’t what your wanting to hear but if your daughter was in your situation… Would you want her to stay? If it was your parents and you being the kid… Wouldn’t you want your mom happy? Its just in couldn’t imagine my kids being in that situation or my parents putting me in that situation. My parents were divorced since I was 4 and I don’t ever blame my dad. He did what was best for him and me. It wouldn’t have been healthy if he stayed with my mom.
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maybe do your best to avoid him. start painting your nails, start cleaning, try cooking… maybe get a blow up bed for the living room make that your new room or his?
There are many possible solutions to this, mostly depending on what kind of alcoholic your husband is and how strong your children are. As a child from a family with an alcoholic father I think I grew up pretty damn good because I learn the positives from my mother. My father was not an abusive drunk just a docile, stupid drunk. My mother stayed and raised myself and two sisters. When she left I understood why and I commend her on finally doing what was good for her. I’m glad she stayed and we had a family unit growing up. That was what it took for my father to get sober in the hopes that she would come back. He is now 20 years sober. My parents are great friends and both have good lives with significant others. No one can tell you what to do that is best for you. Only you know what you need to do. If you stay for the kids just remember to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Your decision will hit you when you see the example that you both has chosen will reach out and hit you. They learn by parents actions so you will more than likely have at least one alcoholic child and one enabler. The other will probably marry an alcoholic. I know from experience. Kids learn by actions more than words. Congratulations and hold on to your seat, it will hurt so much deeper as a parent than a mate. It spirals downhill, your grandchildren will also become what their parents have shown than. All becaus eyou chose to wait it out. It’s probably too late now. Sorry if I sound mean, that’s not my intentions. We just learn the hard way because of our being afraid to rock the boat. Sorry
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I just feel that if you are not happy it shows, no matter how hard you try to pretend that you are. Ultimately your children will be happy if you are. I know it is scary to start out by yourself with them but you will find the support you need and will have the strength to do it, when you leave the situation you are stuck in.
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Get into therapy so you can learn how to cope with the next 5 years. But realize you can never let him drive the kids or really leave them alone with him bc he’s drunk. Also don’t have sex with him and get tested (frequently if you are sleeping with him). Start preparing your life without him. Your kids may also need therapy bc they are living with an active addict and to unlearn the unhealthy behaviors their father has modeled and taught them. Honestly it’s better for everyone to be away from him to heal from this. If you only have 5 more years then the kids are prob old enough to have a say in who they are with. Personally I’d take this year to prep and get out, everyone gets therapy bc 5 years is a lot for people whose minds are being formed. 5 years is along time for him to continuously hurt you, to put your health at risk, and legally what happens when you’re still together? The money it’ll take to bail him out of legal issues or civil suits for damaged property/lives lost takes away from your household?
Your children are only as happy as you. They feel the energy. You don’t realize how much damage is actually being done to them until you leave. That’s when I noticed all the damage that was being done. That’s when I realized just how much my kids were suffering even though I thought I was doing such a good job at keeping most of the abuse hidden.
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Why continue to suffer for 5 more years, the children are in the middle and also shouldn’t have to go through the abuse he puts out, get out now
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Contrary to your belief it’s not safe or comforting to your children it’s pear HELL hv you ever talked to a child that’s lived w alcoholic parents? Get out now and quit teaching your children to except the bullshit that you shouldn’t be expecting as a human being!!!
I guess I’m reading the “please be easy on me” part different than a lot of y’all! I left an abusive, addicted, multiple affairs marriage because of all the reasons y’all are staying and it’s honestly been harder on my children and myself dealing with those issues in separated homes than when we were together. I completely understand her reason in not wanting to lose control of her children’s environment because that is what will happen. There are many times that I wish we had just cohabitated like roommates until my children were grown.
So my only advice would be to try that … not be emotionally married to him just physically be there. If you go ahead and divorce him in your mind, it will make physically leaving him easier later on.
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You and your kids will be in my prayers 
I don’t believe you will ever leave him.
Bless your heart you are so strong.
See someone else on the side too?
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You’re teaching your kids it’s okay to stay with someone who has zero respect for you. Would you want your child staying in this situation? Or would you want them to be happy? The children will be fine. You need to get out
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You are gonna hurt either way — leave him or stay with him.
You know what you know —/ or huge change of you leave - and the consequences that come from all the memories and habits.
Keep going to Al-Anon. Do a meeting a day maybe two meetings a day. A 12 step program will help you not get wrapped on him but focus on you. I have a feeling that if you get healthy you get unwrapped from the wheel that you will make the best decision for you and your family. I wish you the best always. Much love
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“My children are safe when they are with me” is the concerning statement that has been said!! What about your children mental health??? They are witnessing an alcoholic father treating their mother with total disrespect…so they are learning that it’s ok for that behaviour from father/husband and it’s acceptable for mother/wife to receive it!
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I may be in the minority here but my mom stayed until I had graduated (I was the youngest). Afterwards I knew she was unhappy and it also completely broke me when my parents divorced. But I was done with high school. I can’t imagine managing that while still having so much on my plate as a student. My dad wasn’t abusive or an alcoholic but they were unhappy. I owe so much gratitude to both my parents for sticking it out and giving me and my sibling the most stable upbringing.
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My first husband was the same I left him.I could not put up with the way he was,I have no regrets I believe my kids had a better life.It is hard at first but you get stronger.Put you and your kids first.Good luck.
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