I donât really think thereâs a good way to do this, as sheâll most likely take it offensively. But just be honest, thatâs all you can do. Tell her what she told you. I would say something like âPersonally we think you should talk to her to reassure her, because she feels this way. Weâve tried to reassure her, but I think it would mean more coming from youâ
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What do I put in this letter to my bonus daughter's mom? - Mamas Uncut
If youâre going to do anything do it face to face. Letters and texts leave interpretation of intent and tone open to the reader.
Stay out of bio mommaâs way and be there for bonus daughter
UmâŚI think a letter is rude. I think you kicking up dust at the end of her pregnancy is wrong. Just reassure your daughter that everyone is going to love her the same.
I honestly wouldnât get in the middle of it. Especially if you two arenât in goodterms. I would have the daughter tell her. That way itâs genuine and youâre not overstepping any boundaries
Lead with your heart and hopefully hers receives it the way you intended. 
Be careful with that, as this is something that the mom already knows. You will sound like your questioning how she is handling having children. Face to face would be better, like heyâŚshe expressed how sheâs feeling about things, she cried a little just wanted you to knowâŚ.leave it at thatâŚ.unless sheâs a terrible mother and you need to get in her head.
Dad needs to talk to her if you arenât on good terms, itâs not your place.
I definitely feel like you should leave it alone. Just make sure you double down on making her feel loved and reassured she feels it when she is with you guys.
A letter would not be rude. She trying to make sure the mom knows how the daughter feels. Thatâs looking out. I would personally have dad let her know just so itâs not held against you but itâs not rude.
Let the dad talk to the mom. If yâall already have issues, that letter is not going to help at all.
How old is the daughter? If sheâs old enough have her write the letter.
Tag her! You already said it. 
For a child to feel this way, it is usually because a said person is doing something to make them feel this way. Reassuring the child on your end is the best thing you can do. Getting in the middle of a child and parent in front of the child is more damaging and usually counter productive. Letters will not work and will most likely cause more drama.
Tell your spouse/bf. Let him handle it. You telling her will only add to the problems
You should not write a letter. It is absolutely NOT your place. Stay out if this or you will regret it.
That little girl is 4 years old. This just didnât come out of thin air, someone said something to have her thinking like this. You need to give her as much love and support as you can, try reassuring her that you and her dad will love her know matter what. Dad needs to have a conversation face to face with bio mom. Letters and text message could be taken the wrong way and feel more like an attack. That child definitely feels like sheâs not going to matter anymore and bio mom needs to address that
Iâd assure the Mom that you let your daughter know that mommyâs have enough love for all their kids. Assure her that you let the child know sheâs a good Mom, who will miss her as much she misses mommy, and will be home soon. Just keep all your statements positive, and complimentary. Donât offer advice, just make her aware.
Definately a Dad issue that he should handle. Be there for support.
You should have just reassured the child and let it go
I wouldnât say anything⌠you already reassured her so let it be
Maybe use this as an opportunity to set aside your differences and ask what you both can do together to ensure she feels included after the baby is born. It may open up the door for you to work on a better relationship with bio mom. Maybe after she has the baby get bio mom a gift card for her to pamper herself or something. Or take the 4 year old to buy some things for the baby and her mom and get her something special too that day
Not your place⌠her father should talk to her
I feel like if your daughter was comfortable enough to say something to bio mom she wouldâve but she came to you I would allow her to freely come to you without thinking twice keep it between you guysđ¤ˇââď¸
I wouldnât talk to bio mom since you and her dont have a good relationship. However, when daughter is with you, reinforce YOUR love for her.
Donât talk to bio mom. It will not end well. She may take it out on daughter for talking to you. If anything have dad grow some balls and stand up for his daughter.
Everyone that is saying it isnât her place, yet the bonus mom has been in the childâs life since she was four is wrong ! I am a bonus mom& thank god my boyfriend acknowledges my place, but it would hurt me to see those comments! Now do I think she should write a letter ? No I do not , itâs something to say to her in person with dad present so it is seconded. Sheâs four and it isnât that serious for a child to become jealous, she needs reassurance from all parties.
Somethings should be handled by the dad. Sheâs 4 and thats an inbetween age. You donât want bio mom to feel attacked. Not to mention, her focus is on giving birth right this second. I think you and dad should be able to give some encouraging words right now and then address it with bio mom later so she can reassure daughter herself
Weâre you the mistress or was she? Thatâs gonna matter in the long run as to where her head may always be at when it comes to you and will most likely dictate how she always responds to anything you say or do. Does she have primary custody? If you only have this 4 year old 4 days a month then you should definitely keep your thoughts to yourself and just reassure the child.
Bring the daughter and have a sit down and let her tell her mom how she feels
Stay out of it if I was you, one day you will all have to get along, plus what about if you have kids, you will be in her shoes then.
Donât write a dayum letter! Every child goes through this when they are getting a younger sibling. Their fears are valid to them but you have to reassure her that there is enough love for all and she wonât be ignored or left out. Tell her she can be the biggest helper and her Mama will need her to help care for the baby. She will step up! Years from now maybe you can have both at your home together. How will âthe babyâ feel when he/she doesnât have âbonusâ parents? Assure her, love her, and include her sibling as much as the Mama will allow. They are all âourâ kids and the more people that love them and watch after them the better off we all are. It takes the whole village! Put the pettiness and jealousy aside. Yeah, I said it and you can share it! Leave the âbonusâ out of the conversation as well. Even if you hate each other those children should NEVER know! They grow up and do remember. Make it as painless as you can.
Why donât you leave it up to her dad to communicate with your bonus childâs mother
Never write a letter. This isnât your place. Itâs dads.
Youâve been in the picture since before the girl was born, Iâm not surprised at all that the girls mom doesnât like you. And now sheâs moved on and having another child. Iâve never heard of a 4 year old coming up with all that all by themselves. Are you sure you didnât take a small childâs normal jealousy over a new baby and blow it all out of proportion and twist it up to start some drama? How about you just reassure the girl that her mom would never forget about her and talk about how exciting itâs going to be for her to get to be a big sister. Turn it into a positive thing for her. If youâre still worried, tell her daddy and let him and her mother decide on a course of action. It would be nice if you could all work together but as you said, you donât get along. So why not let the mom enjoy her pregnancy and new baby and handle things with her daughter and stop trying to make it all about you. You donât need to be writing her any damn letters.
Yeah, good luck with that oneâŚMay the force be with you 
Let bio dad handle it. Period
What you are doing is a true wonderful and difficult mom job. Maybe you could write the letter with your daughter and help your daughter with a gift for new baby - blanket or a lovie so âthe baby will want to get home quick to meet her and say thank you for their (gift)âŚ
Not your place leave it up to dad
Leave it alone , itâs not your place , this is something the dad needs to do
I never hear the term âbonus childâ used until I read posts on this page 
Anyways, itâs not your place, itâs your âbonus childâs fatherâ place to have that discussion with her mother.
Thatâs totally normal⌠my 4 year old was terrified when I went to birth his baby brother. As for the letter, not your place if you donât have a good relationship with Mom. Her daughter can talk to her herself, not through you. Maybe have her FaceTime her mom for some reassurance.
I think you should encourage her to advocate for herself and tell how she feels. Use âI feelâ statements to convey those emotions and practice them at home. For example, she could say âmommy, I feel worried when you talk about the new baby.â Leave it up to the bio mom and daughter to work through those feelings together, and just be there for support and encouragement from the sidelines. They have to work out a parent child communication style that works for them, it sounds like you have a very good parent child communication with her since she trusted you with those feelings, and thatâs great. Just reassure her her mom cares just as much about how she feels, so she just has to let her know.
Honestly, just reassure your daughter that she will always be loved by her mom and a baby sister will love her so much too. Sheâs 4 so she doesnât fully understand. I would let dad make the decision to chat with her. Also, this is a happy time for your daughter just help her get excited to help her mom and hopefully mom knows how to explain how much she loves her and that she will not be forgotten. You guys really need to try to get along for the kids because youâre her family. Itâs easy said than done sometimes but it really does help to have a secure family dynamic.
I canât even with yaâll. All of you saying leave it up to the dad! Seriously!? No. My ex husband and his wife have custody of my son. (Boys need their dad at his age) We live in different states. I communicate mostly with my sonâs bonus mom. We need to be encouraging the children to be comfortable with expressing feelings and thoughts to all people who are involved in raising them. Stop this âyouâre not the bio so you have no say soâ mentally. Speak to the mother. You all have to come together as one to raise this child to be successful. It isnât about you, her, the dad, or anyone else but that baby. Try asking the mom out for coffee and get to know each other. It will be easier on both of you in the end if you guys can be freinds. Believe me I have been doing it for 10 years (was not easy in the beginning) and now I adore my sons bonus mom.
Pretty much EVERY big sibling goes through these feelings- itâs not abnormal or worrisome. Why would you need to write a letter to bio on the childâs behalf? This child was able to express herself to you- she can express herself to mom. This is a very good teaching moment about- teach this child she has a voice- if she worried she doesnât matter- she needs to know she can talk for herself- that she matters enough to be treated like a human. Itâs not your place to tell mom the childâs feelings- unless you are scared of self harm or the mother doing harm - it is your job to help the child grow emotionally through this and be supportive
Put your pen and paper away and let her daddy know how sheâs feeling. Youâre gonna miss your exit not staying in your lane. 
What is the reason you and mom do not get along? Honestly, I wouldnât write a letter. It seems you may have sympathy or regret as to why thereâs tension between the two of you and obviously is coming between you communicating effectively to the childâs needs. Maybe, you need to have an adult conversation with the other adult (mother) and try to come up with a permanent resolution to for the wellbeing and best interest of the child. Then, you may express your concerns with a good heart. Until then, if you canât find a common ground, you should Express to the childâs father what sheâs said and let him relay her feelings to her mother.
Im sure its EXTREMELY confusing for a 4 year old to go between households and have another baby sibling on the way from only one parent. She must felt left out or abandoned. If she is confiding in you, itâs your duty as a good âbonus motherâ to reassure her that her biological mother loves her just as much regardless of a new baby that they are equal in her heart. Explain that she has double the love because she has double the families etc. Make her happy, feel loved, wanted, and secure. These are childâs feelings who feel like theyâre being replaced. Ensure her she isnât.
I would encourage the daughter to talk to her mother about it. Almost all kids go through those feelings, my oldest did too. But if thereâs bad blood between yâall she most likely gonna think you put that idea in her head. Definitely keep reassuring the daughter but if it were me I wouldnât say anything to the mother. Itâs actually more the father place to talk to the mother than yours
Whereâs the father. This is his responsibility to talk to his ex.
Dad should say something to her mom not you. Itâs not your place if u all donât get along. She trusted u enough to tell you this so just keep reassure her everything is fine and she will always be loved
No letter. It will be taken wrong. Just reassure her and tell her how she will have a real baby to hug and kiss and her mom will let her hold the bottle to feed the baby and bath and change clothes. Just like when she plays with her dolls.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What do I put in this letter to my bonus daughter's mom? - Mamas Uncut
Do NOT write that letter! Be supportive to your daughter and thatâs it!
Let her dad have that convo with the mom. Sheâd probably accept it better coming from him
It is not your place to write a letter . Just remind your Daughter that the new baby brings its love with it so it wonât take any of her motherâs love away .
Itâs not your place to write that letter ! Her daughter can speak to her mother or her father can have a talk with his ex . Be there for her but stay out of this conversation .
Not trying to be rude, Thats not a conversation for You to be having with her mother, Thats a conversation to be had by the Parents.
Donât write her a letter! That shows a lack of respect and communication! My baby fatherâs girlfriend does this and sends the notes in my childâs backpack and I feel sheâs making my child the mailman for her. When a simple phone call or text could service. Itâs immature and personally disrespectful! Especially when my baby father would never care if I didnât send a pair of underwear back 
I wouldnât write that letter. Always encourage the kid to tell the parent how they feel. A child should always feel they can talk to their parents. Reassure her the baby isnât going to take momâs love away from her that she is just going to have another person in this world that loves her too. But she needs to talk to her mother about it and if she canât maybe dad can help her
Stay out of it. Itâs not your business. Encourage the daughter to tell her mom her concerns and support her
Ditto! Let Daddy or bonus daughter handle that conversation. YOU are correct in wanting to reassure the child. Sounds like sheâs very comfortable with sharing her thoughts with you- so take that as a compliment.
But you canât be the one to initiate something with the Mother.
I wouldnt even go there. If theres anything to be said, then itâs the Dad to say it. Yes the 4 yr old did talk with you, however you then confide to her Dad what her fears are. Trust me, for you to write something to her mother would not bode well for you, the step mother.
I just love how people will say this isnât her business but in a relationship where the step parent isnât close to the step child that person is critized. You are either a part of the life and it is all your business or your not.
I say communicate with your SO, discuss the best way to handle this but at the same time reassure the child that you will always love her no matter what.
Donât say anything to her, talk to your husband/boyfriend and let him know how his daughter is feeling, and let him speak to his ex. Itâs really not your place, seeing that you and his ex do not get along.
Donât have sex or make illigitamite children. Get married or FIXED
If you and her donât get a long. Let her Dad deliver the message. Quick suggestion. When and if there is a baby shower. It would be wonderful for everyone to bring the little girl a token gift.
I would say communicate with your man or have her write her mom a letter if she doesnât feel comfortable to say it to her moms face.
If you write the letter and there is any backlash on your bonus daughter she will learn it isnât safe to confide in you. In addition reassure her the baby is going to need more attention for a bit bc they need help with everything, she will be a great big sister (with your support)
As a bonus mom myself I donât see the issue. Nothing wrong with protecting the child that you help raise. A lot of people think just bc youâre not the bio mom you have no say . So my advise , do what u feel is right in your heart and discuss it with her father. If heâs ok with it then I say go for it! At the end of the day as long as itâs respectful, she should appreciate you care enough to bring it to her attention.
Watch Boss Baby together as a family to show your daughter she is not alone in her feelings but that in the end a bigger family means more love in the long run.
Maybe have a conversation where mom and dad are both involved with you. Then maybe the ex wonât feel "attacked ". Its hard when youâre so little!!! You did a great job. But the ex would just see it as an attack on her parenting if you wrote the letter although your heart is definitely in the right place.
Careful writing a letter to her mother is over stepping youâre place as a stepmom. Iâm sure her bio mom understands her daughters fearâs of a new baby and will reassure her child she is loved even more by being the big sister.
Dont write a letter.
Not understanding how so many of you tell her itâs not her place or her business. Sheâs a step parent to the child - been in the childâs life since day one. Everyone in the situation needs to be the adults that they are for the sake of the child and reassure her
I wouldnât write a letter either just keep reassuring her that she is loved by her stepmother and father and the new baby is just someone to love too
When my bonus children bring up any issues they are having at their other house I always give advise as if it was them talking about me. I try get them to understand what their mum might be feeling and try give them the advise or tools to sort it themselves, especially if I feel it might just be them being not old enough to understand that parents are also human, have flaws and need patience and understanding too sometimes. I wish that went both ways, especially in the early years, I still feel some of the damage done early by others has robbed me of the closer relationship I could of had with them but I was so hurt by some things I had to step away a little for my own well-being. Admittedly they are older but helping the child through support and reassurance is the best plan. Itâs also important to let your partner know but again up to the child to tell him if they want. Could just be venting their fears to you as they trust you to give an unbiased opinion. Sometimes children actually also pick up on what they think youâd like to hear. Iâve been on the receiving end of negative feedback from bonus childrenâs relatives and it was not pleasant , not necessary and absolutely done to hurt not help. If theyâd wanted to help they would have addressed things with the children and monitored the situation but instead jumped on us and tried to make us feel like bad parents any chance they got. Blended families are hard and it takes everyone involved rising above and thinking about whatâs best for the childrenâs development, this should be seen as an opportunity for her to learn about sharing, love and resilience. Itâs awesome she has opened up to you, take it as the blessing it is and know if it gets back to her mum the wrong way she might not ever feel she could share with you again and that would be much worse than not speaking out this time.
I would definitely have the dad talk to the mom. There is obviously a reason why the little girl feels that way and i feel like if you say something it might start something.
Itâs not your place to do this. Stay out of it. Just keep reassuring the child she is loved at both houses.
I love what youâre thinking, but if you do write that letter thereâs a very good chance sheâll take it as an attack. But if you do write it - (coming from someone who once I feel I should write something itâs very hard to talk myself out of it!) - then write pretty much what you have there, minus the bits about not getting along. Or maybe re-word them to something like âweâve sometimes had a strained relationship, but we both have her best interests at heartââŚ
Learn to get along with her mother so in the future you can talk to her. Have dad call her for something and casually mention it. Most kids go through something like this with the new baby. It is not a crisis.
Gees wiz Iâm lost between bonus daughter bio mum and all the other terms u use
I would not write a letter. I would encourage baby girl to go with daddy and get a gift of her choice for the baby. I would not be a pert of the trip .
Bio dad needs to handle this. Maybe the daughter can spend more time with yâall while mom recuperates from the birth and adjusts to having new baby at home. Unless and until you and bio mom can establish a relationship you need to let dad handle all things concerning his daughter.
I would send just what you posted, Itâs very good.
It IS Dadâs place to say something, I know it can be hard. My bf never says anything to his baby momma about ANYTHING but itâs not my place. I just make sure my step daughter has everything she needs.
I would have maybe the daughter write out her feelings.
Just love the little one. Make life extra special for her. Because you dont get along with the bio mom itâs only going to create dramaâŚeven if you dont mean to. Also as someone mentioned it is important that the child can confide and feel safe. You sound like a great momâŚgive her some extra attention when sheâs with you. She will never forget it.
As a stepmom, who helped raise, and mother my husbandâs children 5 days a week until they were grown - write a letter and have you and your husband sign it.
We were married when my stepchildren were 6 and 8. We had been together three years. I loved and treated them as my own.
When I was pregnant with my first she had all kinds of things to say to me. And to the village we live in.
Do what is best for your family, especially for the little wonder that chose you as her voice.
Iâm with everyone else, I wouldnât write the letter bc chances are if yall dont get along she will say you are putting these ideas in the childâs head. You, the child, and dad needs to sit down and tell her she needs to tell her daddy what she told you and let him handle itâŚall you can do is just keep reassuring her and show her love on your end.
Whatâs wrong with simply telling the truth and let her know the little girl is feeling a bit insecure about the new baby. I donât think itâs anything any other child of her age may feel. Maybe suggest a little congratulations to siblings type of party which celebrates both kids will help. Itâs not up to you to dictate to her bio mom how to handle the situation so Iâm not sure other than encouraging the little girl to tell her mommy how she is feeling is warranted. This will pass once the baby comes and she loves the baby too. Itâs all new to this little girl. Donât add problems by sticking your nose in the other house.
That is a normal feeling for a child. They all worry about that and every sibling goes through it. Iâm sure her mom will do things to make her feel special and loved during that time. Please donât write that letter. Also, yall take extra time to make her feel special as well.
If you feel the need to write a letter perhaps write it from a different angle.ask her advice on how she would like you to deal with any sibling rivalry that may surface with your bonus daughter(avoid using that term) to her mom.ask if she has any suggestion or ideas she would like you to use with the little one. Donât tell her yet about the little ones insecurities then if an issue arises you can address it and she may not feel attacked. Get the little one a "worlds best big
sister t shirt
Good Luck
I wouldnât write a letter. I would let her dad bring it up to the mom if it needs to be addressed
I think you should mind your own business she is not your daughter and she has a mum let her mum work it out with the child.
I know you love your bonus daughter but she needs to talk to her bio mum about how sheâs feeling. Iâm sorry but itâs not your place. And all eldest children feel this way whether or not parents are still together or if theyâre in blended families. Just support & love her on her end. Talk to her dad.
My eldest step son actually made up a story saying my daughter had said that his mum wouldnât have any time for him when his mumâs 5th child came along. Turns out poor munchkin didnât know how to tell his mum how he was feeling.
Sheâs 4 and will feel that way. But you could twist it into letting the mom tell you, by that I meanâŚtell mom that youâd like to know what to say to your bonus child to reassure her. Tell her what the child has said and then be like âwhat reassuring words would you like us to say when or if she brings it up again, so that we can all be on the same pageâ that way youâre letting her know how the child has concerns but yet at same time youâre including momâŚtherefore maybe starting to open up a better relationship with all of you and break free of the âshe always thinks weâre attacking herâ