Me and my hubby have been together for 7 years married for 3. I have an auto immune disease that affects my daily life and sex drive. He has a very active sex drive and so did I when we met. But I explained to him in the beginning that with every relapse I lose a bit of myself.
Flash forward to now. A year before we got married I had a relapse that causes me to be tired and in pain alot now. The meds don’t work for me so I’m at a loss. We have young kids the youngest of which is a small baby. I’m rushed off my feet a lot as she is very fussy and demanding of my time. But he still expects me to be at least a once a night kinda girl. Taking in mind I only get 3 hours sleep a night and still have to care for the baby and do housework every day. He works alot and I respect that he’s tired and very rarely ask him to do anything.
However, he baffles me ! One minute he’s so caring and is like “it’s ok baby, I know your tired, maybe another night” but I literally can only physically manage it once a week most of the time. The next minute he gets in a verbal argument with me that he has needs to and I’m not meeting them. So I have resigned myself to doing it a few nights a week even when I’m tired and just apologizing to him when I can’t get my happy ending. But I always make sure he gets his. Afterwards he tells me he feels guilty that I didn’t get anything but he did and he’d rather wait for when I can. But in the next breath will complain if I can only manage it once a week or every 2 weeks.
I’m stuck. Either I do it when I can and he’s angry I don’t do it more, or I do it even when I feel bad and he tells me I made him feel bad. And if I try to talk to him about it it ends in a verbal fight… What do I do? Am I selfish?
No, you’re not selfish you literally have a disease that affects this. I understand when you started being together you both had high sex drives but you also told him early on about the disease too. It’s not fair for him to basically bully you into doing it everynight knowing fully well why you don’t too. Plus only getting a few hours of sleep does not help as well. & then to do it for him just to play victim like he’s sad he finished but you didn’t??? Give me a break. If he’s really gonna sit here and tell you that you don’t “meet his needs” then maybe you shouldn’t be together. He needs to understand it’s something you can’t help.
This is really unhealthy and a little bit manipulative on his part, because, through no fault of your own, he’s put you in a position where you feel guilty with any option that doesn’t completely satisfy his needs. But is he being considerate of your needs as well? Which are just as valid even if the contradict his. A relationship will not work if it’s its always one person compromising to make the other happy.
It’s either you fake it so you shut him up a little or else start a huge fight that you too have needs, and you need to bloody sleep, or else make him help out if he wants it.
Good god PLEASE do NOT fake it. I used to with my ex and later realized what a disservice I’m doing to myself. If he can’t be there for you while you are going through something you cannot help, he doesn’t deserve you. YOU have needs as well. Don’t let his sexual “needs” overstep the legitimate needs you have. (Don’t get me wrong, I understand sexual needs are a thing but respect comes first and personally, I find it disrespectful he’s making you feel guilty over something you can’t help.) I have an autoimmune disorder as well and have flair ups that take me out, so I understand not being able to “get there” sexually. Please, from a woman who has been in your position, don’t sacrifice your comfort and well being because your husband can’t grow up and just go jerk off in the bathroom… You do enough taking care of your little one and your husband, he should take care of you back by being understanding of your condition and not making you feel guilty.
Had this to happen to me early on in our marriage…to solve that problem I let him have it, over & over until he hollowed “Uncle.” He backed off for awhile…LOL…I feel your pain as tending to children, the house, & being tired all the time can really be exhausting…you two need to come to a happy medium…talk to your doctor…it seems that you need some rest to survive.
Treat your pain with nature. Ginger & turmeric for inflammation. Do not eat sugar, it causes inflammation. Do everything you can find out about nutrition. Treat the cause, heal the symptoms. Sending hugs your way. Pain is no joke.
This can be fustrating. I understand. I’m sure he understands you have problems but at the same time you want to be nurtured and taken care of. And does he. He is feeling unwanted . He feels like he doesn’t matter. His feelings are as valid as yours. Get counseling and a doctor who is going to help
All I know is if he isnt happy in bed shit happens elsewhere. Not sure what your auto immune is but most of the time if you eat pretty good and exercise it helps. Good luck sounds like u guys need a date night n get back to yourselves. We always make time for our kids but we need to also make time for the relationship.
This post makes me very angry, as I suffer from chronic pain and it baffles my mind that your partner can treat you this way.
Yes, chronic illness affects both parties for sure and both have to work at dealing with it, but it’s not right the way he’s handling you especially if you’re the one with the kids whole day and he’s out working too, that’s another thing that’s frustrating. At the end of the day I think the only thing that can help is the two of you being open and honest with one another or seeing a counselor.
Try to figure out a compromise of # of times and make those times good and ask for help on the other nights but no one wants to feel like sex is a chore you do for them
I used to give in for peace. Honestly it doesn’t work. You end up resenting him
Get him on line looking into your condition. Take him to the Drs with you. Give him as much knowledge as possible about your condition then talk. Useless working out a plan because it may be
a bad day for you…but he has needs that have to be fulfilled occasionally.
Try to rest as much as possible during the day…hard with a young one I know…maybe aim for once a week on a good day…with you initiating sex…that way he knows you’ll get some enjoyment too . You’re not selfish . It could be said he is. But sometimes men find it hard to accept when something is wrong with their wife…they take it personally and think we dont want to be with them. They have such weak egos lol
Its going to be hard but both have to talk and compromise if this marriage is going to survive
Your husband can be satisfied with different ways besides straight sex. When he asks for attention, if I were you, I would be very loving towards him. It’s really hard on you, I know. We have an autistic child, and all of my focus is on our little boy every single moment of the day, and when he works his 12 hour shifts, it is all on me. When he’s home and needs rest and to get things done around the house, it’s near about impossible because his attention and mine is on my son and his needs, and sadly I have needs of my own that need help I have fibro & endo So things get pushed to the side. We still make plans to be together, not just physically, but emotionally to sustain our marriage. It’s so important to have that connection to each other, after our kid is asleep. Winding down, holding each other, talking about our day. Just letting you know what we do. I pray things get better. I know you have your hands full. God bless you both.
Nah he needs to help with the kids and stuff. If he had to do everything you are doing he would probably be tireder to. I have chronic pain too and my husband helps out a ton, he knows how sick I’ll get if I have to do it all on my own
Tell him he gets it all once a week and twice a week you’ll sort it out but without putting yourself into full swing (if you get me), a quick relief for him end of x or he waits x his choice but he can’t have it all ways x I would tell him to shove it personally x you need to look after you, and doing that with a house and a baby to sort is dam hard without having anything else x
Oh gods. That’s…that’s so awful!!! I’m so sorry!! You don’t owe anyone sex!!! It’s just rape at that point. I don’t care who comes for me. Being coerced or guilted into sex - IS RAPE. And the fact that he makes you feel bad for it when he’s assaulting you is unconscionable. I am SO SORRY. Please, consult a lawyer. This ‘man’ isn’t going to take care of you, love you through the bad times, etc. HE is selfish and manipulative. You deserve better.
Assumimg you have a good relationship otherwise, couples counseling could be helpful. It sounds like sex is a big part of how your husband expresses love and feels loved. Married couples have sex 3 times a week on average. Expecting to have sex daily is not realistic especially when he expects you to do it even when not interested. Consent under duress is not consent. If this continues it can cause serious irreparable harm to you specifically not just a strain on the marriage.
Nah you’re not selfish. He is trying to tell you something though. Men have higher drives than women esp after having a human or two. Speak with your obgyn she/he can help.
I mean when im tired im a full time mom and only get 3 hrs of sleep too but I tell him im tired so ur doing all the work im just relaxing lmao he don’t care as long as he’s getting hes then there’s nights when im really into it so it goes both ways …
No hes the selfish one in some ways, my husband is the type that always wants me to finish when he does as well but as women we take longer & i dont without certain things & even then if im not into it mentally it still wont happen, quickies also dont work for me and if we arent there mentally, our body isnt going to follow physical, you seem like you do alot of work and add in health problems he needs to try to help you more, be more understanding and then it may get him somewhere, then maybe youll have the Energy/the desire.
You also really should talk to your doctor about finding meds that do work for you.
Sleeping three hours a night is not adequate for ANYONE. how can you both split the workload more so that you’re able to rest? He also needs to attend a doctor appointment with you so you can both be honest about how you’re needing to take better care of yourself and he can hear it from a professional.
He sounds selfish. If you got more sleep, and he helped more at home you might feel better. He can’t have it both ways. I’m a SAHM too but my husband helps. Being a parent is a 24/7 job you can’t clock in and out and that goes for Dads too. When I worked full time I wasn’t as tired.
He is selfish and immature and I am sorry for you. He wants everything his way. He should be helping you more with kids and household chores. He lives by his ego.
He sounds like a dick! I have an autoimmune disease also, hashimoto. I also work 2-10am. My fiance and I usually have sex 1x a week, if that. Our work schedules are opposite each other and he knows I prefer sleep over anything in life. But he also knows sex isn’t the most important thing and if he “needs” it, he has a hand. He should be helping you more with the kids and home. He sounds like a very much “old type” guy where the woman shpuld be available whenever man wants it, woman take care of kids and house. Man work.
No that’s not how it is anymore.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about sex. It’s your body! He needs to learn to respect you. SMH. He’s a jerk. Between a small baby and autoimmune disorder and being tired…. No one would be in the mood.
I would sit down and tell him that you need more help, if you get more sleep you would have more energy. So, both of you need to put fourth the effort in fixing the issue, not just you. I totally get where both of you are coming from. He needs to know you are willing to help fix that but you need his help during the day to ease everything that’s making you more exhausted.
I have a chronic illness and work or not he should help around the house I’ve been with my partner 8 years I was honest with him from the start so your husband knows what he was getting himself into as you explained to him! Be straight tell him you don’t like to ask for help as he works all day but maybe if you had time to rest, you would feel abit better also go back to your pain management about your medication it’s trial and error until you get the right ones, I look after our children but he does help around the house! If mine was acting like that I’d tell him he knows where the door is🤷♀️X
No one here is being selfish. You both have needs that need met. It takes an extraordinary man to live celibate, most men will run if that happens. I have no libedo thanks to meds and pain, but we still manage every few days. Sometimes I get into once going, sometimes I dont. I love my Man so it brings me pleasure to make Him feel good. I dont consider it a chore, I love Him and He does so much for me. Love means taking AND giving.
Unpopular opinion but I would be glad he is talking to you about it ! My husband has had a decreased drive for some years now and it makes
Me feel like crap. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong or not attractive or enough maybe that’s the way he is feeling. My husband fell and broke his back 12 years ago and still deals with pain from that and arthritis from the fall also his medications make him have a decreased testosterone level. Knowing all these things still doesn’t change the fact that I have a higher drive than he does. Maybe comprising a little and not having the whole act a few times a week and just doing something to help him once or twice a week would change it. Sit down and have a conversation about what you can physically handle and how often can change it instead of fighting about it .
You are not his emotional nor sexual keeper he will end up destroying you mentally if you let this continue. What is happening is rape plain and simple. You say no he pushes until you agree and your left with nothing at the end that is RAPE please for your medical mental and physical safety seek professional help
Tell him this is what pocket pussies and his hand are for!!! and that you most certainly are not his sex toy! When’s hes yelling at you about this, saying his needs arent being met, you should remind him that your needs of being supported are also not being met by him. Having sex when you really dont want to, just because you want to make someone happy, is rape, point blank.
Babe you don’t have to apologize with your body. He’s taking advantage of someone who is in an extremely fragile state. He’s spinning it to make himself the victim. I tend to think the extremes with my opinion but coercion is rape. If you say no and he still presses you love it’s not ok. He’s a gaslighter.
So he’s mad when he doesn’t get any but gets upset when you don’t get off? It’s hard to get off when you’re being coerced into sex anyway. Even harder adding the medical issues and having a new baby. He sounds extremely selfish. Take him to the dr with you next time and have your dr explain it. Bonus points if this dr is a man bc men tend to listen to men a lot better than they will women.
Can’t he just do it himself? Lube and porn or something? I’d be tempted to consent to him doing so and buy the items next time you’re grocery shopping. You poor soul. ((Hugs))
Just make it clear! He has needs yes, but your aren’t wrong if you are too tired or in pain to meet them. Honeslty, just make it very clear to him that you aren’t up to it. He will live. If he loves you he will support you and wait for those nights you are feeling ok. His needs aren’t more important than your needs. Good luck, it sounds exhausting. Just take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup xx
Hell no you aren’t being selfish!!!
Whenever a woman’s partner turns their intimate time into just another chore she has to get through in order to finally get some rest that is simply not right. You know yeah men are always worried about their needs but in my opinion a man’s needs are met a whole hell of a lot more often than a woman’s is.
Even in a relationship where there aren’t medical issues involved just your average woman raising young children and being tired in general from all that entails I would still say this type of behavior and treatment is not right. He is being the selfish one, not you. Especially with your medical issues on top of everything else that’s just a horrible position for him to put you in.
Honestly, I would say either he makes a real effort to change or you and the kid/kids move on to a more peaceful life without him.
I know some believe that people can change but sadly in my experience I have never truly witnessed it, ever. People are who they are and he probably won’t ever see your point of view on this in the ways that you wish he would.
I’m sorry.
Maybe on the nights you can’t get your happy ending….just fake it. Should save the aggravation for both of you. He won’t feel “guilty” and you won’t have to brace yourself for the apology tour of you didn’t get yours. Win/win.
It really is disturbing how many women on here are commenting “some nights when you don’t want it, just lay there and let him do it, just fake it”.
Um NO? She doesn’t have to have sex if she doesn’t want to. Men don’t own our bodies, even through marriage. Sex is supposed to be consensual between BOTH people. Marital rape is a thing. Gross. If he’s that selfish and wants to throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way, then there’s a conversation that needs to be had. Tell him to go rub one out and get over himself.
Your not selfish. And I don’t think he’s abusive. Y’all need to sit down and take this seriously if it’s causing you to fight at this point. Remember fighting can be healthy and normal in a relationship so long as it’s civil. Maybe there’s a medicine that can help you be in the mood if you want. Or maybe he can get a nice sex toy to use when your not aroused. Maybe you’d like to have an open relationship so he can satisfy his cave man needs elsewhere. There’s always lots of choices to help a relationship if your still in love. Follow your heart
He is being selfish; but can you afford a house cleaner or a baby sitter for a couple days a week to help you out? Also have him go to a doctor appointment with you.
He’s a big jerk. That’s not love. You need to think your situation thru. He’s not going to change. Would be feel and treat you different if you had cancer and was going thru treatments. He needs a man to explain how and what love is. Such a selfish big baby.
If you don’t feel like having sex, regardless of whether you are in pain or simply don’t feel like it that day, the fact remains the same he needs to respect your boundaries.
He is well aware that you don’t want to do it from the sounds of things so why doesn’t he come up with other loving ways to be intimate other than sex?
I understand that relationships are all about compromise, but this is one thing that you should not have to compromise on EVER!
Not to mention the fact even more so cause you are in pain and have little to no sleep as is!
I think that you should take the course of action here that makes you happy. If your drive is concerning you then I say go for it, see a doctor and discuss this with them. If your drive does not concern you then just leave it be.
Honestly he can’t get mad if u don’t get off too. Either he gets it once a week when u want it or he takes what he can get. Hes putting you in a shitty position. It sucks how men don’t understand.
Lay out the law I have the same issue so my hubby is lucky if he gets it once every 2 weeks. However he understands and sometimes it hurts so I cry and he hates it. Not because he’s mad but because it hurts and he feels bad. So he takes what he gets and is a wonderful man. Even when it hurts sometimes I suck it up because of how much I keep him on the burner. He never down talks me or fights! He doesn’t use it against me and will always say “ Rosie palm and her 5 sisters work just fine”. If your s/o doesn’t understand it then he’s a little boy too. Also please go to the dr. My pain comes from PCOS, tilted uterus, and they check me for cancer every 6 months when I actually go. All of these and more can lead into killed sex drive and pain
First of all nothing wrong with faking it not hard it’s a thing 2nd sex shouldn’t feel like a chore and I understand I have Lyme and a small child and a big one and work full time but I also understand as humans we all have needs that needs to be met. You both need to be happy and he needs to be considerate of how you feel. My hubby would move the earth before he would allow me not to get Mine that sounds very selfish of your husband
Yeah, if he felt guilty this wouldn’t be a post. I’m sorry OP but he’s a jerk, your chronic pain condition is never going to go away, and now is the time to decide if you want to live with these arguments forever.
I say this as someone who has chronic pain and had a wonderful partner until he passed. And even with him being more patient and understanding than I could ever ask for I still felt like I wasn’t holding up my end of the deal.
Lube and porn or something? I’d be tempted to consent to him doing so and buy the items next time you’re grocery shopping. You poor soul. ((Hugs)) 
2nd sex shouldn’t feel like a chore and I understand I have Lyme and a small child and a big one and work full time but I also understand as humans we all have needs that needs to be met. You both need to be happy and he needs to be considerate of how you feel. My hubby would move the earth before he would allow me not to get Mine that sounds very selfish of your husband