Have him join therapy
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3 days or 30 years is the same thing (imo)…as a person that was molested as a child, as soon as I found that out I’d already have packed my shit and left…
He’s “depressed” because now you know what he did and he has to face judgement/consequences for his actions…
he was perfectly fine before his cousin said anything right? That man carries no guilt. He’s only upset about being caught. I’m sure he hopes him being all sad will make you pity him. Leave him, for the safety of your children and yourself. In fact please find out if your children have been SA.
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I wouldn’t even leave my kid around him. Doesn’t matter if it happened once, he could have dark fantasy’s especially if he does it on family members.
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I would be more worried about the cousin .And check up on her.He messed her up for life. I couldn’t be with him anymore.
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He’s depressed because he knows there might be a knock on your door very soon…police!! You didn’t have a clue about this SA and he didn’t admit anything until he was confronted by his victim… WAKE UP!! If your teenager came to you and told you they had been SA…what would you do??? It sounds to me that you and your husband deserve each other…your biggest concern is that he’s the breadwinner of the family…what about the victim? What about your children when they find out what their “daddy” is capable of? Whether your husband was a teenager or Not, he is 100% guilty!! What age was his victim when he SA them? Is there more victims going to confront your husband? Give yourself a shake and pack his bags for him!! The fact that you say that you know he hasn’t touched your children cos you’re there all the time?? Would you leave your children alone with him now??? 
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Hes only effected now bc he’s called out on it and embarrassed. Had she never confronted him would he even care?
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He wouldn’t be my husband anymore that’s the first thing I would do
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With the most sincere advice I can give the reader, pick up a Bible and start reading in the new testament. The only way people move on is by repentance and forgiveness. Go on YouTube and listen to some sermons on forgiveness. I would also recommend downloading a KJV Bible app on your phone. There is a search bar, type in forgiveness. A ton of verses will pop up. Read through and find one that speaks to you. Open it up and read some more. Truly, get in His word and seek the advice of the Almighty. Let his words speak to you. Please don’t seek advice from strangers, you have no idea the hearts of others. Lastly, but most importantly pray… talk to God.
- any negative reply to my comment will be ignored. I will not engage in negativity with someone I don’t even know.
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I don’t believe something like that ever goes away from a person, they might hide it or cover it up, but statistics show it’s hard to rehabilitate sex offenders and most offend again at some point
I am speaking from the experience of a woman who’s husband had sexual communication with a child online. You cannot ever trust this man around any child regardless of whether you love him or not, whether he has apologised or not. It is never worth the risk. You can never be 100% sure that your kids are safe and THEY are your priority always. You cannot be there 100% of the time to ensure your kids are safe. Please look into your heart and be honest with yourself about it all
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If they were both teenagers, let it go… Join celebrate recovery and join there next step study. This probably to be honest is what brought the memories back for the cousin was some kind of recovery program. It is good to get those things out there and discuss when able… Those saying don’t trust him imo are wrong UNLESS he was an adult and she was a child but if both kids or teenagers, let it go and follow recommendations. To be honest, I know more then I want to know about this subject and he probably places no danger but as I said if he was an adult then it probably is just something that has thrown him off and he might be trying to figure out how to fix him. 1 of the questions in the first book af step study is what is the dark family secret that no1 ever talks about. Maybe she was saying that she forgives him or that she knows that she is suppose to but can’t. Just get help for both of you and keep working on your marriage and 
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The behaviors he is having now have been triggered by being confronted but they are also the behavior of a man ready to do it again. I only know because I know.
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It was 30 years ago ?
Have you and your husband had a happy marriage until now ?
Yes ?
Let it go !
You can’t change a thing !
Let it go !
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A good man doesn’t SA people, keep it secret and go on to live their life and bring innocent kids into the mix. 30 years ago or not, it still happened and it matters. It happens every day in his cousins mind. With 5 kids you aren’t with them all the time. He’s had plenty of opportunities. I get after so long that you love him but love your kids more and make sure they are actually ok.
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Ask him to go to counseling. Offer to go with him if that makes him willing to go.
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He’d be gone. Anyone who is capable of SA anyone, at any age, however how long ago is not going to be apart of my life.
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Wow, this is going to be a hot topic for a lot of people, .
I’m hoping the cousin confronted him because she’s had help dealing with what happened.
He is only feeling the shame through being confronted that’s true.
He needs to show he’s sorry through his actions… like taking care of his family not wallowing in self pity which is what he is doing.
I feel for you, I really do.
I hope you find your way xx
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Leave it alone.
If the cousin wants to charge him.so be it.
Get a job and look after yourself and kids.
Get out , better still get him out
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First of all he was a teenager. Back then ppl didn’t talk about sex or what was right or wrong. It was almost unheard of in some households. Mind u, my story is as sad and ruined as most who have gone thru this. We don’t know what he was going through. It was wrong yes and none of us know the situation. That cousin should press charges. He needs too face the consequences or he will never be at peace. Thinking it was forgotten or blocked probably made him feel at ease and now he’s realizing he ruined her that she replayed what happened scince. Of coarse your concerned you loved a man who has 5 children with u and you would have too fight him in court for custody, they would learn the truth, it would ruin them too. You need counceling too figure out what’s best for all of u. And I’m ashamed that alot of ppl are attacking u as you are looking for advice.
Therapy, he needs to talk through this and come to terms with what he did.
Would the cousin forgive him?
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You need to leave. Or better, get him to leave. If his cousin contacts the police, your children could be taken away if you support him. SA is SA… Doesn’t matter how old either of them were. Or how long ago it was. If it had happened to your daughter and she didn’t say anything for years, you would still want that perpetrator punished, right? Protect your children now.
Also, just because you are there all the time, doesn’t mean nothing has happened to your children. Take it from someone who knows. You cannot be everywhere all the time, especially with 5 kids to run around after.
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Seems you can’t let it go even after 30 years. He slept with his cousin. Ewww eww just gross. Are y’all from the south🙃??? As long as your ok.!!!
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Therapy for all involved. Definitely dont approach the cousin, it’s not fair to cousin to feel ganged up on. It’s a very hard issue. If cousin approaches you listen and ask how you can support cousin.
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Girl, I’d leave him! That’s not normal behavior. Who knows what else he has done!
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Statue of limitations in Florida is 8 years. Otherwise you can only sue the other person.
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Get a job and be independent in case it’s all going to unravel. What happens is meant to be.
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Maybe he need therapy
Context is everything in situations like his.
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Speaking from experience of being SA… it happens in many…many families…unfortunately more often than anyone would like to ever admit. Meanwhile those memories always stick with the SA victims, they will also stick with the offenders. Just because they have done these horrible acts to somebody, does not mean that they will do them again. Sometimes it’s better not to hold it against the offender and allow the victim to see that they have changed and allow themselves to put it in the past. Maybe the victim needs an apology and explanation that he is not the same man now. Even if the victim does not agree immediately. Stand up for your man… they will have to work through it. …
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He would of gone Mia and would never be found the moment he told me.
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I could never be intimate with a man who has sa as a past behavior. Idc if it was 100 years ago.
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And why did she wait so long to just now say something
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You may think he will never touch your children. Seven years later I found out my children’s father was hurting my daughter. He was SA as a child. I NEVER thought after what he went though he would ever hurt a child especially ours! Sexually abusers do not change can not change. We just went through the worst cps trail. His rights have been terminated dropped off all birth certificates. Never to see or have contact with my children. Just a heads up. Three kids and i never thought he would. Happened under my nose under my roof and I had no clue. I too was a stay at home mom. Good luck!
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I wouldn’t stay with someone who sexually assaulted someone no matter how guilty they claimed to feel.
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It’s in him he’ll never change unfortunately there
They usually don’t change especially when they suffer no consequences.
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Once a pedo always a pedo don’t be dumb take ur kids and run before he dose it to them
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He was a teenager but still old enough to no what he did was wrong.
You was with him since Jesus was a boy and you only found out now - that’s probably because the cousin may want to report it and rightly so!
Who cares if he is depressed he didn’t care for what he did to his cousin he got on with life got married had kids you don’t know how this has messed with her life.
Don’t go round there talking to no one if you do talk to anyone it should be the police.
Main source of income…you need to get a job and not be dependent because by the sounds of it just because he makes the money your kinda willing to support him as now your making him the victim…
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I have a similar experience…get out now
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Connect him with therapy services
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It happening 30 years ago doesn’t change that it happened. Also only once doesn’t take away front the fact that it was more than never.
I couldn’t even look at him if it were my husband. I am however proud of you for wanting to help his cousin.
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This is a big topic that needs more than a FB post to process. Encourage him to go to therapy. You should go to therapy too so you have a safe place to process this yourself without judgment. I can only imagine all of the thoughts and panic that you would be feeling with this information. You need a professional to help process it and to help you find the best path for you and your children. This is more common than anyone admits and there are many professionals who have helped families in similar situations. In the meantime, it would help to be less financially dependent on him so you have more options.
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Why are you even questioning this or even better why you still with a predator once a nonce always a nonce they never change
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This is difficult because the definition of SA has changed drastically in the last 10 year never mind 30 no u can’t look at a woman the wrong way but back then u could smack a.bot as a.joke and it wasn’t recognised as assault just be there for him best u can xx
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he needs to go talk to a therapist there is no way around it . and you need to decide can you love him really love him just the same you did before you learned all this? if you can still love him just the same you did the day you married well you have an obligation to stand by him through good and bad. you made a vow to God you would. if you can not love him at least the same you are not doing your children any favor staying in a loveless marriage they will see the misery and in time grow to hate it . as for making amends with her he has to do that all on his own it is his fault and he does owe her apology at the very least, and that’s only if she chooses she wants to even accept it. she may not be receptive to his motions at all. she has her own weight to bear and if you involve yourself you will tear open a deep wound she has been healing all these years. healing is hard so dont undo progress unless she needs to face it . you were not involved and she has no reason to blame you, so let her decide when and if she will say anything at all. it’s not your fault you were not there and beyond deciding if you can remain with him and getting psychological help not just for him but your whole family , your best bet is to just leave her alone about this subject entirely. if she wants you to be involved she will involve you on her terms and she is owed that much at least. its gunna tear your heart out and it’s good that you hurt for her. so many people grow resentment in similar circumstances. you are an amazing woman to face this with out complete rage because anger is definately something everyone is entitled to and you are just trying to make it as much better as you can. <3 and all you can do is pray for her and for him and your self and let God fix it in his time. go to a therapist and get your husband help and the kids. remember each one is going to process this different and they need to find a way to be able to live with this now too. it’s a burden to bear. but no man is perfect everyone does bad things and we all have a past if you can love him and support him and your family through this you all will come out better for him coming clean. it’s the hardships we learn to survive that make us who will will become. character is built not inherited.
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Seriously does nobody on here believe in second chances 
. Some things are harder to come back from though but tbh they way you explain it he obviously is sincerely sorry . Like if it was an actually one time then yes I reckon this is forgivable but it takes an extremely strong person to forgive that behaviour. But if it was an on going thing no coming back from that because obviously it wasn’t a silly mistake . Each to there own though
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I really hate it when people post deep meaningful topics looking for advice on Facebook, you’ll only get met with comment trolls who give you advice and who probably haven’t had to experience the stuff first hand therefore can’t tell you what exactly THEY would do in the same situation. Hon, the best thing you can do is go talk to a licensed professional. Urge him to do the same. You need to figure out how YOU stand in your husband’s situation and what you are willing to go through. The definition of SA these days is a lot different than it was 30 years ago. Your husband was a teenager, that doesn’t excuse bad behavior by any means but he’s not a lost cause either. You said you’re a SAHM, you have enough empathy to consider his cousin so chances are you are even more intuned to your children so trust your mom instincts as far as they are concerned. When I was 15-18, just in the early 2000s, it was common place amongst my HUGE circle of friends for us girls to have 21+ boyfriends and you bet we were all doing stuff we shouldn’t have been. Granted that was consensual but my point is that back then none of us would’ve considered it SA. By today’s standards it is. I feel so terrible when I see these men (and women!) who’s lives are getting ruined 30 years later because of changing mentalities. You can’t apply new mentalities to past events from a generation ago.
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There are a few comment on here I find a little too black and white. I have to say I’m all for the death penalty when it comes to Pedophillia, rape ect for offenders but I do know this. People can experience things growing up and think it is secretly “acceptable” because in their family or part of their family it is.
It isn’t until people leave their homes and go out into the world and talk with others that they realise “their normal” isn’t normal.
People who are abused or witness abuse as normalised often come from very controlling, secretive families in order to protect the abuser. Brainwashing children/teens into believing people do this stuff but don’t talk about it. To assume just because he was a teenager he would know better isn’t realistic. It would depend, these days kids have access to the internet knowledge is vast, people are much more open about taboo subjects and kids are much more aware of their rights now then ever before but for someone like my Grandfather who grew up in an orphanage he truely didn’t realise how damaging repeating the cycle can be.
He did change btw, he was caught out. By the time I was born he was a different person. He is someone I respect and love 1000%
And now that I’m older I understand the sadness I would see often on his face. I was the apple of his eye and he knew one day I would know what he had done. Still he proved to me everyday what people are capable of… it’s just not common and children need to be protected no matter how sorry someone says they are. It’s not enough, they must prove it.
In most cases I would say once an abuser always an abuser. Especially with the disgraceful justice system allowing repeat offenders.
Have an open discussion, heal together as a family if he’s willing too. The reality is there is a high probability your husband was a victim once himself too, he may just not remember it. If he has done right by you and your children and he is willing to show you and his cousin how truely sorry he is then I feel he deserves a chance.
I only suggest you speak to a trained councillor/therapist and have them make sure they haven’t been SA, then you can be certain of where to go from there.
All the best.
Get out now. Keep those kids safe. 30 years ago or not. That’s predator behaviour and just because you think he’s changed it’s probably because you never knew and would never know had she not brought it up. Monsters hide in plain sight.
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File for alimony and child support and kick him out period. That is inexcusable
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I think therapy is a good route for all parties. Maybe if the cousin doesn’t have good insurance, ask to pay her therapy bills/copay because your husband is likely the reason she needs therapy. Honestly, a lot of people in these comments saying they don’t believe he’s changed, or he’s still shitty, yea his mistake does make him not a great person, but the fact he is now willing to admit that mistake and possibly ruin his marriage so a victim can actually live her experience is a lot more than most men would do(even if it is 30 years late). It’s a low bar, and I’m not saying it should be set that low, but it is.
But, I’m not an SA survivor so I’m not sure this is my place to talk. You also have to be ready for his cousin to curse you out, tell you to leave her alone forever and be okay with that because she’s hurt bad by someone she trusted.
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That’s a big one 
I’m not sure how to go about recovery except going to therapy! I would never be able to relax tho until it was discussed openly! I wouldn’t be able to get all the “what ifs” out of my head to live comfortably! It’s hard to give you an answer not knowing all the details! Yes people do change but at the same time that’s a subject that should have came out at the beginning, most pedos are in plain site and you never know where their mind is at!
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But why is he all of a sudden feeling this big emotion of guilt and remorse? Something had to of triggered it. Did the cousin say something to him or did he have thoughts of doing it again? I wouldn’t be so quickly to say that it only happened once or that you are certain he hasn’t done anything to your children. I would get them in play therapy ASAP.
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Bro your ugly for being content with your other half feeling like a piece of shit. You’ll suffer the same just in a different way
I am the cousin, I don’t know how you could look past it. Was it really once? Or over a period of time?
No, she is not ok.
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I would encourage a therapist. They can truly determine if behavior has changed. Ppl are allowed to change. I would get more detail and make sure this was a once mistake. Noone is the same as they were 30 years ago. And go from there.
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Mind your business when it comes to his cousin!!! This is a sticky situation, and they don’t change
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My favourite big cousin SA me too when i was 14 and to this day it upsets me im 26 now and have two kids i never got help for it and its cool u want to check the chicks algood .its a hard thing to talk about maybe she wanted to close that chapter by speaking about it.
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No offense but it doesn’t matter when it happened. Honestly I’m a little concerned ur worried more about the assaulter and not really his victim. U want to question her? She doesn’t owe u or him a conversation and shouldn’t be being interrogated by her assaulter’s wife. I don’t mean to come off harsh but as a victim it really disgust and upset me to see ppl more concerned for the feelings and mental trauma done to the assaulter than to the victim. I could never in my life look at my husband the same and regardless when it happened I’d constantly be in fear of it happening to my children.
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Regardless of if it happened yesterday or 30 years ago
Your kids will never be safe around him
Please ask him to leave and file for a divorce
I’m a survivor of child SA
From my grand father multiple times
Trust me the emotional scars never heal
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Notice she said he’s a source of income!!! Women will put up with anything for the dollar be independent ladies.
He needs a clinical psychologist fast and meds, run don’t walk to an md good luck
He was a teen who did it to a teen not pedo behavior now likely if its been this long she might be up to talk about it with you I suggest you talk to her first then talk to him personally as a 6 year old one of my older cousins SA’d me and now he is married with a baby he has changed a lot I don’t feel like he would do it again and ive come to terms with it so honestly just talk with her and him
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SA is SA regardless of what happened. With that being said you do need to find out what happened. Was it rape, touching, etc.
Have him see a therapist
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I’d be worried that something also happened to my husband if I were you. Only because assault is usually a learned behavior. Depending on how young he was at the time, it could have also happened to him. I’d discuss if there’s anything more to it then that.
But obviously, he needs to speak to a professional.
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For get it 30 years ago
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It happened 30 years ago. Move on from it
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Damn, that’s a deal breaker for me. Like instant turn off, cutthroat detachment. I mean if that doesn’t turn you completely off….idk….
Get over it don’t make him feel guilty over something that happened 30 years ago that is crazy and he was crazy for telling you
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All the “woman” saying let it go, hopefully your daughters never goes through the same thing, ridiculous she should get him done that’s what he deserves
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For me, I’d really need to know the details. SA is a big word. Are we talking Rape? Or in appropriate touching? My opinion, inappropriate touching from a male teen who was apologetic then and now is forgivable assuming it was a one time event. Also assuming the victim was in his age group. Not a very young child!Teens make really poor choices. This does not mean he is a sexual predator for the rest of his life. However, if there’s more to it I’d def be freaking the hell out.
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Notice she said he’s a source of income!!! Women will put up with anything for the dollar be independent ladies.
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Some of these comments are a prime example of why ppl don’t tell anyone they have been sexually assaulted. Smh. Disgusting.
It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, he willingly sexually assaulted someone. What a heinous act for the victim to have to live with.
I’m glad he feels bad he 100% should!
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Some of these comments are mind blowing. First of all why the fuck is anyone asking or suggesting anything about his kids? He isn’t a pedophile!!! Wtf is wrong with you guys? I’m sure if it had been a huge age difference that would have been included in the post.
I also can’t believe how many of you don’t think people can change. Everyone deserves a second chance. What if one of your sons sexually assaulted someone? I bet you’d be singing a different tune then.
To the OP. If you want to stay I would suggest therapy for everyone involved including yourself. If you think this is something you can get past just make sure you are both able to talk to each other about it. It isn’t the kind of thing you want lingering as an unspoken taboo, that will ruin your marriage.
Your children will never be safe with someone who openly admits to sexually assaulting someone, especially family. He’s already shown he can do it once. Anyone saying oh it was so long ago can go f*ck themselves, I don’t see you leaving your kids with rapists.
I’m my dad told me many years ago never depend on a men for several reasons: 1. He lose his job 2. Leaves you 3. Dies, 4.becomes disabled you never know🤷♀️. Talking about he’s only income & on top 5 kids😞sad & like someone said, it’s not easy to pk up & leave with 5 kids. It’s hard with 2 & up imagine 5
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If it happen 30 years ago your kids just might be grown get over it or leave
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that trust is so broken. there’s no way you can just move on knowing this information like nothing has happened. He is a predictor and you need to protect your children.
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he should be held accountable for his actions. I couldn’t stay with a man who did that then held it as a secret from you for yrs. He is a monster and the tears and poor me is a bunch of bullshit. SA doesn’t happen by accident and how do you know this was really a singular incident. he waited this long to tell you what else is he lying about. I would get him tf outta my life.
This kind of information can destroy a person and everyone involved
And no you can not just get over it, it needs to be talked about
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Did you know many kids and teens experiment with sex - often family members because they are handy + trusting.
The past is the past, right? No one can un-ring that bell.
Forget it. He needs to forget it, too.
The major thing he acknowledge it and apologized.
Let it go -
Chances are good it is the only time they were involved and it was a done deal.
Guys tend to think that if sexual activity feels good to them, it must feel good to the female, but that is not the case. They are easily aroused whereas the female has to have some sort of romantic feelings towards a guy in order to yield.
Guys get turned on by sight - females by touch.
The past is the past - encourage your husband to put it there.
This should go no further … especially if both parties have dealt with it.
We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Who of us wants certain aspects of our past broadcast? It is like stirring up a pile of dog poop and making it smell all over again -
Kids sometimes make stupid decisions without thinking about the consequences. I am not saying she should forgive and move on, but I hope she is able to. I hope he is able to, as well. He is your husband and if he has never shown any indication of that behavior, maybe he did learn a lesson. They both have to live with it. I battle DAILY from ADULTS who did it to me. I also see the innocence of children (boys and girls) when I look at my own & I hope they make good choices, but I cannot promise they would not act out of curiosity or something.
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It’s happened to me. I was r*ped twice when I was fifteen. I can say the young men that did it…… well one of them at least is not the same asshole he was 15 years ago. The other one no idea. And yes, I forgave him. I recommend therapy for him and for you both together to get through what you have been told and how he’s coping with being confronted. It was a long time ago…. He is not the same boy he was many moons ago. The healing process needs to start. I wouldn’t just up and leave. But that is me.
He without sin cast first stone as a person of abuse you have to forgive to heal and he sounds like he wants to make amends .many don’t ,give him support and seek therapy
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He needs to be in therapy, you need to be in therapy, and couples counseling would be a great idea.
I’m sure he has apologized to his cousin, but apologies won’t undo the hurt he has caused. I would talk to a therapist before speaking to his cousin, you don’t want to dredge up something that is painful for her. If he was a teenager and she was a teenager, meaning ped wasn’t going on, I would not be concerned about my children. If he was a teen and she was a child, I would be having an honest conversation with my husband and possibly my children.
He is not the bad choices of his past, he is not defined by one thing he did 30 years ago when he was a kid. People can and should be allowed to change, grow, and do better after knowing better.
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It sounds like they all could use some good therapy.
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We all make mistakes and nobody lives in their past.God dropped the charges
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I would be taking me and my children away from him asap.
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Yikes this wouldn’t be one I could look past. Even if it was in the past the average joe doesn’t have that kind of past I would be looking into more than counseling especially having kids around him
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As his wife, you stay by his side and do not get involved with her. People saying age doesn’t matter are incorrect. SA is always wrong, but as a teenager there are so many things you can do without realizing the severity of consequences and effects on others by your actions. If you believe he is changed, then do not hold it against him. By the way he is acting and how he has been honest with you and her about it, it sounds like something he has been holding for a long time. I get that women in here can feel outraged by their own experiences, but to tell you to leave your husband over something that happened when he was a child, before you ever met him, is wrong and unnecessary. I am sorry you all are going through this. Please don’t try to fix it for the woman or get involved.
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I think you both should go to counseling it would help you both.
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Please seek crisis counseling for all parties. There are local, virtual, group and individual options for all parities involved and nothing else will do here. If you have to start with just yourself, start with just yourself. That is a great first step. You have things to recover from here, too. But the guidance and wisdom of trained and licensed professionals in these regards, is irreplaceable and vital to everyone moving on in the best possible ways they can. Teach yourself, your children and husband that adults can overcome bad choices and terrible behavior by taking accountability, adequate communication and seeking help when needed. It’s likely this is more commonplace than is spoken in public forums and my hope is that in a group setting you are able to make a friend or find a professional who can help navigate with experience and understanding 
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It’s really important to know what you mean by SA.
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I don’t believe it’s true remorse. People who do that don’t have guilt. It’s an act to make it look like he’s the victim. He didn’t feel bad when he did that.
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My own brother SA me when I was 9 and he was 13. I will NEVER forgive him. My mom sent him to his dads and I haven’t seen/spoken to him sense. I hope everyday he remembers and feels awful about it. He’s now married with two kids apparently and I hope it really hits him now that he has a daughter what innocence he had taken from me.
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With it all coming back up, go to marriage counseling with him to get some peace.
Also, having worked with this population, often when children or teens do this, it’s sexually reactive behavior bc it happened to them.
It may become a long road to healing for him.
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once a child molester always a child molestor i too was a victim and it destroys the innocence and it changes you forever i was 10 he was a grown up please take your children and run
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