Me and my partner have 3 kids between us a child each before getting together and a child we share. We have a lot of problems with my bonus sons mum (partners ex) she does not communicate with us about anything relevant, messages to tell the kid have a good first day at school but leaves it weeks before telling us about him being in a car accident. We have a 3 days one week and 4 days the next week cycle of keeping him. Both mum and dad work and always relied on my partner’s parents to care for the child. I’m a stay at home mum since expecting the son we share so I do the school pick ups for all the kids and my partner relies on me instead of his family now and they’ve pushed us away since I started helping out. Bonus kid is now being sent to an after schools club and being picked up by a grandparent instead of the mum. Eating with them and then mum picks him up just in time for bed, not spending any time with him throughout the week. This is resulting in homeworks not getting done, even before he started attending he told us he would like to come here instead and do his homework and then play with his friends I have no problem picking him up even when it’s not our days but mum has went a head and sent him to the club. Mum pays no attention to her son when she has him, his screen time is usually between 6-8 hours on the days she has him, treats him like a baby and does everything for him (he’s 7) he’s very independent in our home and we know he can take tantrums with her and we never experience anything like that when he’s with us. I’m usually the one who notices when the child has something coming up in school both parents don’t seem interested in his education. I feel like I’m picking up pieces for a bonus son when the mum herself would be bothered. We know we can’t control what the mum does when she has the child but sending him to these clubs before and after school resulting in roughly 8 hours of school a day and his homework not being done isn’t right on the child, she clearly has a problem with us having the extra time with him but it’s the child who suffers and I’m the only one who seems to care. What do I do, I feel hopeless. I’m not his parent I have no rights. We are taking records of things but going to court won’t do anything here as he’s not in danger but is being neglected in aspects of his life.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do about my bonus childs mom? - Mamas Uncut
I won’t give advice as I’ve never been in this situation. And I’m a big believer in don’t give advice unless you have first hand experience.
But your an awesome momma !!! He’s so lucky to have you for a bonus mom.
I wish you luck hun.
I wish I could say it gets better. As a step parent, all you can do is deal with the hand you are dealt. It’s sucks because we do become emotionally attached like our own biological children but we do not have the voice that their bio parents have when it comes to how they are being raised. Some situations are better than others but it sounds like yours is the latter of the two. Dad could say something but it’s really her time, her choice. If she’s having you pay for the childcare then that would definitely be something I would address, if you’re available but in the end, she’s mom. I’m so sorry. I know the struggle and hope it gets better for you!
You could still go for a modification & have specifics that if mom can’t pick up from school, dad shall be the caregiver until mom is done with work. Which would give you the extra time & him the extra time for homework & what not.
It doesn’t sound like it’s your business.
You have your husband tell mom to make sure the child’s homework is done during after school care. There’s nothing wrong with the child going to after school care. It’s up to each parent to arrange for child care.
Nacho kid. She will do what she does. Give your best while he is there. Leave it alone when he is not.
I have no advice other than to maybe try to have a “family meeting” to discuss this and try to figure something out. My momma heart hurts for you. 
You can’t do squat. Sadly. You can document the days his homework isn’t done with the days he isn’t with you two and the days his assignments are complete are usually when he is with you. This is for future use if needed. It’s up to their father to step in and advocate for his child. You just love him like you do when you have him because one day he can choose where he prefers to live and your circumstances may change so you cannot get him after school due to work/school schedules of your own. So don’t take something on then have to possibly change it. Just do the best with the circumstances you have now… sorry
Sounds to me like you don’t like her and none if it is your business anyway. How can you even know all these things you’re claiming?
It’s your husband that needs to tell the mom that homework needs to be done.
Mind your business. This is a prime example of why so many moms and step moms dont get along. Imagine another woman trying to dictate how you raise your child. Hes not in danger and lots of kids are in after school programs and sports. And you’re a sahm and you seem super judgemental over her not spending enough time with him. Its called work.
If you don’t live with them then you don’t know what she’s actually doing or the kids screen time or what tantrums are being thrown… sounds like you just want justification for being mad? That’s the kids mom, stop trying to turn her into an unfit parent just because you don’t like her. Most of this entire rant is just speculation.
Its called the “first right of refusal” and you can have it added to any custody agreement. Basically, its a “rule” that states if the custodial parent (whichever parent is supposed to have the child at that time) HAS TO call the other parent FIRST before they use secondary daycare options (including grandparents). For example pickup/drop off while mom works. If the other parent is available, its thier right to get the opportunity to care for the child before anyone else does. If she has a date she has to call you to see if you can watch him before she calls the grandparents or a baby sitter. If she needs to get her hair done she has to give you the option to take him for the time. Its actually a wonderful clause to add to your agreement.
It’s not your place to come and critique or adjust what they already have in place for him. You’re the “bonus mom” and you just need to fall back. Focus on your own kids and your own home. You say alot about the ex but you don’t live in her shoes. She’s a working mom, you stay at home. Of course she’s not going to have the free time you have while supporting her own household while you’re being supported. Don’t be judgemental. Sounds like mom and the grandparents have it together.
You just need to focus on your own house and leave them alone. When the child is there with–> his dad<–, you as a bonus mama assists the dad… you don’t dictate what goes on in the child’s life. He has a mama for that. It’s really none of your business and don’t make it complicated for them or the child.
You can start by kicking your partner up the ass and telling him to advocate for his child!
The after school club should have kids do homework there if they have any to do
Absolutely nothing . It’s not your place to do anything except support your spouse.
What his mom does with him in her days is none of YOUR business.
If their agreed isn’t followed and if the FATHER (not you) is worried about it he needs to huge an attorney and take her back to court.
Highly doubtful anything will change.
So take your evidence, not feelings, and your spouse(the childs father) talk to his lawyer and see if he can do modification.
Two sides to every story. I know my kids dad tells people all sorts about me, his new partner and second kids mum has done the same. Telling the world I do this and that and making out like I’m a crap mum but the complete opposite is true. I also know young kids lie sometimes so unless you see certain things happen yourself or have 100% evidence then don’t comment or judge. Just saying.
You in fact can go to court because his school work is being neglected and you can request him to be with you full time or extra instead of clubs he doesn’t want to be in
I have no issues with school clubs.
But, what is out of order if her not telling you about the car accident. What would have happened if he had delayed concussion? Or any other injury that occurred with you and you guys had no idea.
I feel like her calling the child bonus child is kind of wrong
I’d be asking the after school people to prompt him to do his homework whilst there. Tbh thats all u can do. And honestly it’s not even your job to do som I’d be speaking to your husband and asking him to do it on your behalf. There problem solved.
It’s not your place to say anything. It’s the parents responsibility. If you say anything it will become a bad position for you.
He has plenty of time to do homework, quit blaming mom. You can’t force a kid to do anything so court really isn’t going to care about the homework anyway. They’re just gonna care whether he’s actually going or not
Y O U shouldn’t do anything. Unless you’re the wife. Otherwise this is his mess to clean up.
As a adult who step mom was mom, do what you can when with you maybe a note or calendar with details to share in his backpack so there is some kind of communication between you. You may not be parent to him but my step mom was mom. I was 10 when I moved to my dad but birth mom stopped being involved till I was in mid 20s. You have impact more than you know. Hugs
This is between your partner and his mother.
The after school program should be assisting with homework as part of the program!
Does he go there even the days your partner has him?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with before/after school club etc so I don’t understand why you are trying yo make it an issue? I used to work in after school care/club and they do have allocated time for doing homework etc so if the child isn’t doing their homework that falls on the staff at the club not the mum, if you attempt to take this to court to try and prove a point you will be laughed out if the courtroom, stop trying to make problems when there isn’t actually any happening 
Get your spouse more involved,he needs to step up,have a meeting with his teacher and school therapist,discuss the homework etc.Get it out in the open.have spouse offer to keep him more often,especially school days.Do not let people tell you it is not your business, you are one of his parents,Give him Love and Attention,don’t discuss the problems with people not involved.I. have 6 kids,2 were adopted,you would not believe the crap people said about us,or ask my kids.
Maybe consider trying to become friends with mom while keeping strict boundaries on what not to talk about together(her ex husband/your current) She might be more receptive to it being a 1 on 1 or a her and her kid and just you working on a relationship where she won’t have to deal with her ex. You are the one who wants to help your bonus kid and hopefully she will realize your intentions are actually good and trust that you don’t have a hidden agenda.
SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND AND KNOW YOUR PLACE! There are 2 sides to every story. Ive heard women exactly like you spin stories and end up being the actual problem. Their custody agreement is not your business. Obviously dad has no issues or he’d do something. Why do you?
Dear poster, can I give you advice? Please go look up Stepmom groups on Facebook. You’ll get A LOT of help on there from stepmoms going through what you are currently going through. Please don’t post on random platforms because people will attack you and be mean and rude because your a Stepmom.
Please go to Stepmom groups. You’ll get all the advice you need there❣️
Which one is it? She pays him no attention yet she does everything for him and treats him like a baby! You just don’t like her! Admit it! Then stop inserting yourself into this woman’s parenting of jer own child…stay in your lane
When it’s her time it’s not your business
Welcome to the life of a stepmother
You love them like they are yours
But becasue he /she is not your child you get the responsibility of them being yours
but you do not get to make the final decisions
My opinion
I understand your concerns
Leave it to the actual parents 
Their kid there responsibility
Just stand to the side and love and keep showing that support and love
She does not have to tell you anything. Just your husband. If he is home to watch him. Maybe she could offer him more time if she wanted to but hes working so what is wrong with after school care.? She is working not playing. Raise ur bio kids and just follow dads rules on his time.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do unless the father wants to do something about it. There is. I thing wrong with after school activities. Especially, when you are a working parent. Is she a working single parent running her own household. Working more hours means needing more child care. He knows he has homework and should start it on his own. He’s old enough. I feel like you’re taking a dig at mom and it’s petty. It sounds like you just don’t like her. And that’s OK just be honest with yourself.
YOU can’t do anything, because regardless if your partner is a boyfriend or a husband, you don’t have rights (legally) to the child. Dad needs to take it back to court. It sounds like they have shared custody, but maybe the agreement needs revised. That’s something that HE has to do though.
The courts can set guidelines like if the custodial parent (whichever parent has the child that day) isn’t available, then the other parent has priority to care for the child before extended family or friends. They can also help set up parenting plans that cover stuff like extracurricular activities and ensuring grades are maintained etc.
But again, this isn’t something you can do. This has to be done by Dad.
You’re obviously searching what is going on when he’s not with you…. That’s not your concern. It’s her child, you don’t get to dictate what she does on her days or decide how the child is raised. Save yourself the stress by minding your own business.
If she paid him no attention he wouldn’t be treated like a baby, he would be independent and do everything at her home because she’s not paying attention to do the stuff for him. Just by the huge contradiction it makes everything else lose validity.
Is there an actual problem or are you just trying to create one? 
Well !!! You are absolutely right, he is not your son, so there’s nothing you can do , what she do and how she parent her kid it’s not your business unless she is abusing him in any way .
Seems that you kind of want to control everything about that kid .
Stay in your line and care about your own kids
I don’t think you understand what neglect is…
By what you’ve described that kid is well taken care of 24/7
Weird you complain about her not caring about school stuff but are ok with his dad not caring either 
So wait, dad doesn’t care about his schooling either? You said neither parent is concerned about his education. Red flags on dads end there and not just the mom.
I’d talk to your man and go from there
That is what that club is for, homework. Stop picking on a working mom and know your place as a step parent.
Unfortunately you can only control what happens in your home. Your husband can have a conversation with his ex but it seems she’s not super interested.
Is there a way to reach out to his teacher so all HW is sent home for the week Mondays so he can complete while with you and your husband during your days?
Non of your business. With your negative assessment of the mother I don’t blame her for sending her child to the school club.
It’s hard…but do it only because you genuinely want to be there for the bonus child. He has reached out to you…
It is really sad to see and feel their emotions and you can’t do anything even though you would love to rag doll the parents into paying ATTENTION to their child… your there…be the child’s attention because in 5-10yrs time…It will pay off for the child…and your relationships you have created with his siblings and you. Xx
Ok like you said YOUR the only one who cares so dad doesn’t care either witch sounds like dads no better so while your taking notes about mom you need to take the same ones for dad and maybe he’s getting some quality time spent with him being with grandma after school nothing wrong with grandparents helping out 
Check with the after school program I know our local after school program helps with homework before they do fun stuff
Sounds like she’s a hard working single Mom providing as best as she can and has full time plans in place for childcare and has a great support system if the grandparents are involved like that.
What is the actual issue here because I don’t see one besides you trying to make one, specifically targeted to the mom rather than the child’s actual well-being.
You mentioned his family stepped back when you started taking over, but their helping her. Maybe that’s what you’re getting at and that is where the resentment lies, so instead you’re attacking her parenting.
His tantrums are probably him trying to get his moms attention. However I don’t understand the homework. Even if grandparents are picking up, they are adults who could aid in homework. Reach out to them and say he has trouble finding time for homework days he has extracurriculars. Put the burden on them. You can not control anyone else’s household besides yours. So do you at home and stop stressing about elsewhere. It’s technically not your problem. It’s up to Dad to pursue other avenues about custody or whatever.
The after school club usually allows for kids to do homework. His grandparents can also have him sit down to do homework. It sounds as though the mom has a problem with you being involved any more than you already are, and you are looking for reasons to complain about how she is raising her child.
Love the kid when he’s in your care. Make sure he gets his homework done. Go to the parent/teacher nights with your husband.
You’d be complaining if she did ask you to do all those things though. You seem to be the type of person looking for something wrong, always.
Are you in her home? No. You have no clue what really goes on there… And shes a single mom… Unfortunately, that requires working… Alot!
Also, maybe she thought he would have more fun at the club than your house…because he wouldnt be seeing his parent there either… his dad would be at work right? If your partner doesnt see an issue with any of this…id say worry about you and your own kids.
This sounds super over dramatic. She doesn’t sound like a bad mom by any means. You guys have different parenting styles and that’s fine. You’re able to do more because you’re not working. That’s not her fault. Someone has to be working to take care of kids. Be grateful you’re able to stay home and stop judging her for doing what she has to.
What needs to go to court?
I’m going to have to be straight up honest, this is something his father is going to have to deal with. Unfortunately unless the mother is wanting to communicate with you about these things there is nothing you can do except be there for the child when the child is there with you. You’re just gonna have to encourage him when he’s there and leave it be when he’s not.
You can’t DO anything more then what you have done. You can’t make anyone do anything so focus on your kids and so the best you can. Try to get your partner to see things as well but he may be at a loss too . Be there for the kid when he needs you all and be ready to help if needed.
His dad needs to address this issues with the mother. If they continue to be an issue, the dad should consult his attorney
Perhaps there are issues, but as the mom with residence, it’s not really my job to constantly update her dad every day. If he wants to know, he will message me and I’m more than happy to tell him. There’s some info missing here like, is mom working? Is mom supported? I mean, kids tend to have the tantrums with those they feel safest. Kids generally give mom the hardest time because they know that they are safe to do so. Sometimes dads…exaggerate a bit or rag on mom. It sounds like you think mom is both overbearing and also neglectful? Seems like opposing ideas where she loses either way…I think you should let dad parent, step back and see what dad actually does in terms of taking care of his child and maybe not worrying so much about what happens during mom’s time.
Just be happy you are their for him,
My cousin has a bonus son also she dose all the major things for him. Not that his parents don’t love him. THEY just don’t have the school parent nitch. But thanks to my cousin the one he can trust and count on.
If you choose not to have that role than that’s ypur choice also, can’t hold it against them because he is taken care of. You are blessing that you able to be there for him. You knew the role of veing a partner of the father your doing the mother role. Be proud of yourself 
.
How do you know so much about what goes on when he’s with his mom, if she’s as bad as you say, and doesn’t communicate? All you can do is be the best parent you can be when he’s with you. You can’t control how his mother parents. Children almost always are the losers when their parents live apart.
I went thru this and honestly theres nothing u can so sad for child but as I learned I was there when parents didnt seem care or gparents and I had no say just take care of child best u can cause no one be on ur side even though u make child happy be there dont matter sooo sad for child my ex child is now in jail when if they had listen to me he wouldnt be but I was only caregiver pm me if u wanna chat
As for all bad comments wow someone wants help a child and that’s what u write shame on u idc what mom does or dad school should come first before gaming
Document everything and dad needs to talk to her and an attorney.
There’s nothing you can do other than be there for him when he’s with you. His mother and father are the ones that should be making the decisions for their child and even if you don’t like those decisions as long as he is not being abused and is safe you have no say. Love him when he is there with open arms and butt out when he’s not unless he’s in danger. 
Are you saying that he doesn’t come to your house at all during the week now?
This is for your husband to handle. Talk to him about it and make suggestions. If he does nothing then there’s nothing you can do except when you have him.
It’s between the parents 
If he is in after school program I am pretty sure they have a homework time.
Wow if only all mom’s understood what it’s like to be a step parent that provides and loves anothers child as their own just to told stay out it it’s not your business.See a step parent doesn’t “have to do” anything it’s all by choice and even though the child isn’t DNA related doesn’t mean the love isn’t the same.Theres bio parents that don’t give a rats behind bout their kids but yet the step parents always get crapped on because it’s by choice I would think that it would be looked a as more of a good thing that a step parent is choosing to do all they do and why is it looked down on that the step parent actually cares.If the step parent is doing everything that a parent does then that’s still the child’s parent DNA or not the love and compassion for the child is there they do everything that the bio parents do so why be treated as less than a parent when that’s what a parent is just because of DNA.DNA doesn’t make you a parent it’s the what your doing for that child that does.Are they loved,cared for in everyway.Are they being clothed,fed,shelter,provided with all their needs, doctors appointment ect.Thats a parent it doesn’t matter if it’s a child that is linked through DNA or not.It does take a village but instead of everyone getting along and raising children in a happy healthy environment people wanna fight over who the best parent and who’s not a bio parent like grow up and just make things the best for the kids it really turns out best for everyone.
It’s none of your damn business. You have no say on what she does with her own child. Keep your nose out of somewhere it don’t belong. You have absolutely no say on what she does with her child so get over it. If it’s a problem his father can handle it with his child’s mothers. not you as you have absolutely no say so just 
and he isn’t being neglected so just stfu. Worry about your own kids and leave hers alone and FYI he could do the homework at his grandparents or the after school program so stop blaming the mother. What do you think working parents do. Your just a drama queen
You literally say you feel burdened yet complain when the child goes to after-school or the grandmother’s. Sounds more like you want control and are dismissing a mom who needs to work for her kid while.you have the luxury to be a stay at home.
You can take it back to court for you guys to have first chance before going to an after school program or to the grandparents
Y’all she said “partner” this woman has no legal claims about this child and most likely wouldn’t even be heard in a legal proceeding.
Lots of kids go to after school care and are just fine. The mom is finding childcare for her kid when she can’t pick him up and isn’t pawning him off on you. Seems responsible to me. You worry about the time when you have the child and let her worry about her time. If the school complains, then the dad can take it up with the mom and they can meet with the teachers or a therapist to discuss options.
Talk to the husband…let him know, what you can do and can’t. Keep talking to him and let him know you can help if needed.
I don’t think this is your business. The mom seems to be doing what she can. Why are you nosying in on how much screen time the child gets when with his own mother?
Nothing. Dealing with her is the father’s responsibility. It’s very nice you’re willing to support him in his parenting.
If it’s your partners day to have him, he gets to decide who picks him up, not her. And where does he go to school where he still has homework? Most schools here stopped giving homework except high-schools. As far as bio mom, there’s not much you can do about her. Just don’t give her a reaction
Take her back to court and have it put in that you have 1st ask.
If you need to vent message me. I have bonus children as well. And we are almost going through the same thing 
Can dad speak to the after school program? They are the ones that could be assisted him with his homework and making sure it’s completed on the days he is there
“Mum pays no attention”
“Mum does everything for him”
Which one is it? She can’t not pay attention if she’s doing everything for him… you sound bitter. Let her parent HER child the way she wants to and your husband can parent HIS child the way he wants but you get no say in mums time.
Get a lawyer and get communications order agreement…
Get used to , been married to my husband for 11 years and his kids’ mom has made it as hard as possible for the whole entire fucking time now the kids are teenagers. They realize the person she really is, now. She takes away their phones so with that week we can’t contact them. She’s still will call them every day that they’re at our house but won’t let us talk to them when they’re at her house?.. trys to control everything… And that’s just given the line out
I am mum of 4 kiddies and have shared custody. I have just finished in court. I had to learn which is hard you can’t control what happens in their home/life you can only control what’s happening in your home/life. I had to stop trying to help and care as much because they only person it was hurting was me. I know it’s a little different I’m an the mother but still it applies to both homes. I know my ex hates what I do in my time with my babies and he tried to bring it up in court but the judge doesn’t care as long as the children are cared for.
I haven’t yet been able to come parent with either my ex or the kids step mum. I do not like either of them but I do have to try and see the best, my ex never did anything with the kiddies but their step mum does a little bit and the kids tell me that she did this with them or for them and even though I’m jealous of another women raising my babies I’m so grateful.
So just enjoy your time with the boy and care for him how you and your husband are fit
You are doing a great job and well done for taking on a child that isn’t yours and loving him 
I’m glad your looking out for him. But it’s out of your control, wait till parent confidence and report cards show up. If there’s still a decline. Bring it up.
I think you are stepping out of your lane. Your rules are not her rules? If you feel screen time is an issue… well… is he actually being neglected?
If mom nor dad care then both are being negligent and you are just picking up slack for them, even for dad too since you are the one doing it all for him when he is at dad’s. You are not his parent. You have no rights…you KNOW these things so if you try to interject you will just cause more drama. What he does at Mom’s house is none of your business to be honest unless he is ACTUALLY being abused and truly neglected. Secondly, if dad is negligent to the kid what makes you think the one you have together will end up any different? Get onto your partner about being an ACTUAL active Dad and to actually DO for his kids. If you want parenting time modified, guess what? Won’t happen unless mom and dad want it because THEY are the parents. You are merely a step parent and have no say. You want the child treated better? Tell YOUR partner to be a parent because YOU cannot.
Honestly your husband needs to deal with this. If it doesn’t matter to him, then you’re going to have to let it go and just do the best you can with your time with him.
I’m so glad you al have commented. I was soo unsure what to even look at ,
“Im usually the one who notices something coming up at school, both parents don’t seem interested in his education”…well how is he going to be with your child he has with you?
He has to pull his socks up and stand up to the mother and realise that she’s neglecting the child.
Start in your lane. Dad is the only one who can perhaps make a difference in those arrangements. Be supportive.
I think you should focus on yourself and your child because you might ended up hurting yourself. If they don’t care or pay attention to the kid. Let them be, I know it’s hard being a step parent but there’s limit of things you can do