I have a question for other moms. Long story short, I share custody with my oldest father. During the whole COVID thing, my daughter, who is 11, decided she didn’t want to go back and forth since I had her baby sister in May. So lately, her father, his wife, and her dad’s mom have been quilt tripping her in wanting to come back. When she continues to say she doesn’t feel safe, they tell her all the things they are doing (things she loves to do), and then they tell her that she could be enjoying it too, but she’s not there. Or they tell her things they have planned. Anyway, after talking to any of them, she comes to me crying. I tell her I can talk to them, and she begs me not to tell them because she doesn’t want them to feel bad for hurting her feelings. I tell her she can go to her dad’s if she wants to, but she continues to tell me, no, she’s doesn’t feel safe going back and forth. my question is, what would you as a mom do? I’m at a loss because I don’t want to continue seeing my daughter cry, but I don’t want to go against her wishes and talk to her dad, and then he gets mad at her…
I’m so sorry you’re in that situation, I would’ve lost my cool a while back. It sounds like you have done an amazing job raising a compassionate daughter.
Respect her decision whatever it is. Her Dad should too …
Courts don’t see potential exposure as a reason for her not to go. Only know bc I am at the end of a very long custody battle and got a letter from the judge telling everyone on his caseload this
don’t make her go, simple. She is old enough to make her own decisions about going back and forth and if she doesn’t want to risk it then that’s totally fine! As for her fathers family they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to guilt her
If she really wants to go see her Dad but is nervous because of covid you could ask her what you could do to make her feel more safe… she is probably overhearing a lot of confusing information… and rather than calling her dad to discuss his way of handling it…suggest to him what would make her more comfortable so she can feel safe spending time with both of you
Maybe teach her safe ways to be there. Could be an underlying situation. Either way, you are doing a great job of her awareness.
Is it court ordered custody? Tell them to come get her if they want her to come so bad. I am sure your daughter will make a fuss. Is it possibly another reason she may not want to go?
Just talk to dad and tell him how shes feeling. But also let her know there are precautions that she can take when going back and forth. If there is an order the order has to be folllwed
I’d make her go- at 10 she’s not old enough to make that decision and why should her own dad not be able to see her?
Would you be ok if she was at dads and didn’t want to see you?
Since dad missed out on so much time maybe she can go for a couple weeks?? That way she doesn’t feel like she’s constantly exposing her younger sibling by going back and forth? It sounds like she loves her younger siblings and worried about her health and safety?
If there’s a custody order in place she has to go or you yourself could get in trouble because you’re not enforcing the custody order.
Get her a mask and tell her she has to go
I have been the child in this situation. At the time I did not want my parent to tell my other parent how I was uncomfortable but in the end I was grateful that it happened. I would tell her father to respect your daughters choices and to stop guilt tripping her because it’s causing more harm rather than making her change her mind. You should stand up (not that you’re not already, I’m sure) and continue to back up your daughter and her feelings and wishes about not wanting to go somewhere. But also discuss with her the importance of telling others how she feels so that she gives people an opportunity to respect her decisions and feelings. In the end, do what feels right for you and her, especially her. Best of luck 
I love how empathetic your daughter is already. I think you should confront dad and his side about guilt tripping her. They’re violating her ability to consent to things she wants to do and they should respect her decisions if it’s to help protect her sister.
I feel like she’s definitely old enough to make that decision to go or not. But I’d also really talk with her about how to be safe if she really wanted to go see them. Give her the tools she needs to maybe be more comfortable going to see him. And if she still didn’t want to go? I’d be giving the dad a lot of grief about guilt tripping an 11 year old who just wants to be safe.
I would encourage her to go. I would pack her up with a care package so that she can be safe with her Dad. Encourage her to use hand sanitizer & wash her hands often. When outside of both homes to always wear a mask.
In my state as long as you have a custody agreement you still have to follow it otherwise you could be found in contempt and be in trouble with the court system
They are doing that in purpose
Any chance she heard you say you are concerned with your new baby being exposed to covid?
Let her make the decision. They’re manipulating her and if she doesn’t feel safe, they need to respect her choice. She seems very mature and responsible for her age to put her own health and the health of your new baby before her own fun interests. Not every kid can acknowledge the severity of this virus, so props to her for being so aware and careful.
Have her write a letter. She can get all those feelings out and then decide if she wants to air them after she knows exactly how she feels about the situation.
I really like this point. See if you can find a way to help her feel more comfortable. I think you may just have to help her feel safer. Of course not pushing her but helping her feel less worried. Especially since she wants to go but she just is afraid.
I would tell him not to be filling her head w shit
You can switch to longer visits…one month each ?or 3 weeks or something like that…that is what i am doing with my 13 yr old…sucks but they gotta see there other parent too…maybe quarantine her in her room for a few days when shes back?
It really depends, IMO, where you live right now. If you are in an area exploding with cases, I would not have her go back and forth. If the cases are on the down trend and have been, then I would feel safer.
She’s obviously scared I’ve never heard of a child not wanting to go out and have fun. I understand her dad misses her but she’s obviously smarter and more mature than most her age. I’d respect her decision if he isn’t going to try and get you in legal trouble later.
Maybe explore why she doesn’t feel safe? Than go from there…
If it’s court ordered visitation… You could be violating a court order by not allowing her to go…
Im proud of her realizeing how serious it could be if she brought something home to you and baby. We have the same problem here. A new born, a 2 yr.old and mom has a bad case of Lyme’s
Most pediatricians want kids to stay in one place, maybe her pediatrician could write a letter so they’d understand
My steps sons mom just got held in contempt for refusing visits and using COVID as the reason. May want to get in writing from dad what you have planned so he gets his visits so you can avoid a nasty argument and back in court.
I think if she is crying or upset about not going then she probably really wants to go but is afraid to say so maybe she has over heard the adults talking about the risk of exposure to baby with her going and coming
Let her make the decision and let her explain to them why she doesn’t want to go.
You 100% need to let the father know that he is making her feel that way.
That’s not okay, at all.
She should not carry the burden of hiding her true feelings about something, especially with a parent.
It sounds like they aren’t trying to socially isolate at all, so it sounds like she’s making the right decision. I would talk with her and tell her that she has the right for her choices to be respected, and that she has the right to confront them. If she doesn’t feel comfortable doing so alone, I would encourage for the two of you to talk to them together. I highly doubt they don’t know they are hurting her, because if that wasn’t their intention, why would they be holding all these things she loves to do over her head? They are being disrespectful, selfish, and rude, and the two of you have every right to confront them. They do not have the right to be manipulative jerks because they aren’t getting their way.
Maybe ask her if she’d like to stay with them for a while! Make sure she knows you will be on and not mad at her
I feel that if she is saying she doesn’t want to go then she shouldn’t have to and her dad shouldn’t guilt trip her. When I was 11 I made the decision to stop going to my dads and even though he didn’t like it he said it was fine. Now obviously this is a different situation but if she’s saying she doesn’t feel safe going back and forth because of Covid then as a parent I would respect that and would hope that the other parent would too. There is already so much going on in this world if this were something that would help take away stress and worrying then I would say it’s worth it.
Maybe you should try to encourage her to go.
She only knows that because you or someone drilled that into her head. Stupid corona or not, be a fucking coparent and stop making excuses
She’s 11yrs old, old enough to make her own decisions about where she spends her time. Forcing a child to spend with her dad or her mom isn’t healthy for her. Maybe she’s using COVID and the new baby as an excuse. Maybe she doesn’t like stepmom, or there’s issues at dad’s house she not comfortable with. Mom should sit down and talk to her about what’s going on. Mom should always talk to Dad, grandma and stepmom about the guilt trips. Sounds like they need to grow up a bit. Forcing her to spend time with her dad is only going to make things and her feelings worse.
Sounds to me like you filled her with fear due to the new baby and you started this and now she’s suffering because of it. The visitation never should have changed. Regardless of stay at home orders custody and visitation was still supposed to continue normally. You need to step up and tell her that SHE IS SAFE and she needs to follow her visitation schedule like you should have told her from the beginning.
Tell her dad to quit being an ass. Seriously, a parent guilt tripping their child like that?! Sounds like you have raised your daughter very well & she is very mature for her age. Explain to her that it’s up to her, but tell her father he needs to cut the crap with the emotional stuff he’s putting his daughter through.
Have you talked to her dad and told him that she’s worried over covid? Has she overheard you speaking about it and thats why she is so concerned? Also her Dad may not be trying to guilt her and wanting to purposely make her feel bad, but misses her and really wants to be with her. Like any kid you try to get to do something you tell them things to make them want to. Talk to her dad and let him know whats going on and the both of you come up with a plan to make her feel safer when she’s with him so she can go spend time with her dad, both of you need take control of the situation so she doesn’t have to feel like she has to protect anyone then feel guilty for doing so.
This is something courts should have dealt with and placed orders in states. We have to worry about our kids and its cool for the parents that are in mutual agreements. For the safety of the kids. But those that don’t give a shit and want to put their kids in danger just by leaving the house. And risking their health and lives is INSANE!!! THE STATES COURT SYSTEMS SHOULD REALLY or should have already made this a top priority mandated issue.
Your daughter is 11 years old which is more then old enough to know what she does and does not want. Her fathers side has no right to guilt trip her into doing anything she’s not comfortable with doing. If it were my daughter and her father we would have had many words about that! They have no right to make her feel bad for making a responsible decision. Do not force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do
As someone who grew up on guilt trips…give her the tools and help her to have the courage to stand her ground and stand up for herself. She’s old enough to do that. As soon as they start guilt tripping her, she has every right to either tell them that if they are going to treat her like that, the conversation is over or to try to change the subject. It took me until last year to stand up for myself to my family. They got mad but I got my point across and haven’t had to hear another one since.
She’s obviously scared and that feeling needs to be respected.
As long as they are taking precautions I would encourage her to go. Covid is going to be a problem for a while so she will never see them if she’s waiting until it’s not an issue anymore.
Imma say this it’s hard co parenting! Your daughter is 11 she has a voice and she’s expressing it. Encourage that voice she has guide her. Have her call her father and have her hold a serious conversation with him have her tell him she doesn’t feel safe and she doesn’t appreciate them trying to manipulate her and if they continue I’d hold off on the calls for a while but hun DOCUMENT EVERYTHING even if you don’t feel it’s necessary
Someone filled her head with fear and it wasn’t the father.
It’s her decision…she sounds like a very smart girl. I applaud her for putting you an her immediate family as a top priority. Your reading a very responsible young lady.
Maybe there is more to the story other than Covid19 keeping her away. It should be her choice. Apparently she doesn’t want to go to her Dad’s. Listen to your Daughter.
I just want to say you have a very responsible daughter, I think it’s adorable that she is doing this because in her mind it keeps everybody safe. It’s her decision to make, the other family shouldn’t be guilt tripping and the father needs to know that it’s hurting her feelings and he shouldn’t get mad at her for hurting her feelings. It’s not right to guilt trip her into doing anything.
Take screenshots of the messages being sent. That’s fucking child endangerment.
Unfortunately, honey, that’s the thing about co-parenting.
Your daughter is so mature in deciding against participating, even though she is missing out.
I, personally, would make them (Dad, anyway, x-mil is kinda out of your zone at this point) aware how bad she feels.
I would try to keep in mind that, they obviously miss her. They want to see her.
That beats a dead beat, absent dad 
Not right but let her decide and tell them that my daughter made her decision stop guilt trippin her
Ima be the one to make people mad I guess. She is a child. At 11 she does not get to make those decisions. If there was already a parenting guide in place then follow it. You dont get to just keep her away from dad because you or her don’t agree with going back and forth. Send her to her dad anyway and stop filling her head with crap to scare her!
I think if it is court ordered she still has to go? Court custody doesn’t change because of this. My sister has 3 kids, 8, 7 and 3 and custody is court ordered and they still go to their dad’s every week on scheduled time. Technically he could probably get you in trouble for not sending her if it physically says he gets her specific days unless it is different where you are.
I’d tell her it’s her choice, she has to tell him that. You can easily put it on speaker and if he interrupts her and tries to bribe her with activities you interrupt and say no listen to what your daughter wants
Covid is gonna be around for awhile… Just like the flu we are ALL gonna be exposed. We need to learn to live with it. If it is not a safety issue only a covid issue i would encourage her to go but also always encourage proper handwashing etc etc… Nobody can stay away from people forever! Nor should they
I would personally talk to her dad and tell him how crappy he’s making her feel. Children shouldn’t be guilted into anything. Also, I would maybe get her some therapy to help her cope with the pandemic It’s a bit unhealthy for a child of that age to have that much fear, and feel responsible for the safety of her infant sibling. That’s a lot for a little girl to worry about.
I would let her do what she likes to do. Don’t worry about it she be fine.
Enjoy the contempt of court charge
It’s important to keep in mind right now that she’s young. You want to first find a balance between staying safe in the pandemic and then also trying to keep her from being OVERLY fearful. You don’t want her living in fear her whole life.
Teach her how to be safe (distancing, hand washing etc) but also let her know she SHOULD keep living her life.
11 year olds are not old enough to make big decisions like that. You guys are the parents and court orders are still in effect.
I like how everyone is blaming the mom for her being scared of COVID! She could be hearing all kinds of stuff from everywhere such as news and Facebook and all that! 
my daughter is 10 and she worries about COVID too, she see’s shit on her Facebook and Snapchat as well as tick Tock, just cuz she’s scared doesn’t mean her mom has brain washed her! Maybe there’s something else going on that she isn’t talking about, why force her to go and be miserable when she doesn’t want to.
I say the parents work it out. My husband and I were quarantined and two of our children go to see their mom during the summer. My husband has majority custody. While neither of us contracted COVID he and his ex wife talked it over and figured out what was best and the kids ended up going two weeks after they were supposed to.
I would speak with the courts to sort out a new agreement. COVID is serious & all she wants is to be safe! My child is going to be 5 and knows the severity of the pandemic. Just because she’s 11 doesn’t mean she’s isn’t aware. & If she doesn’t want to go & it’s not COVID related then there is something deeper going on.
Talk to her dad and tell him to act like a grown ass man and respect her reasons instead of guilting a child that’s shitty…
She needs to see both parents whether she likes it or not your the parent these are not decisions an 11 year old should make
Explain to them how she feels
Their love for her should overrule their “wants”. No. 1 make her feel safe and acknowledge her fears.
What she don’t understand is they are doing it on purpose to lay a guilt trip on her to get the reaction they got .they wanted her to feel bad why else would they do that …as a mom I would be super pissed …next time they call give an excuse on why she can’t come to the phone
She is going to take her cues from you. You should be having conversations with her about how she can continue to see dad and ways that she can do so safely. Get her a little hand sanitizer, she can wear a mask if she wants and have her changer her clothes and wash her hands when she comes home. You can also take her temperature for added reassurance that she is not sick.
Ask if there is another reason she doesn’t want to go. She is finding a excuse to not go. Find the reason why.
Oh Dad should def no. That and her reason why she didnt want them to know. Or I like the idea of having it on speaker phone and interrupting. Cuz thats bull shit. My ex tried to pull that with my two sons, I recently had a baby as well and they refused to go to his house. I lined that up real quick lol.
Supreme Court issued an emergency ruling that indicated parents should follow current custody orders pursuant to the schedule that was in place before the shutdown. The order also stipulated that stay-at-home provisions of specific counties or cities do not override the possession schedule. If he really wanted to be a jerk he could file a contempt of court against you for not following the agreement. If you don’t feel comfortable having that conversation with her you could also schedule some on the phone counseling for her to talk it through with someone other than you or her father. I had to do that with my son and it really helped overcome the fears he had. And if nothing else works you could go to court and ask for a change in the parenting time for the time being.
Sorry but you’re projecting YOUR fears about covid onto your daughter
She’s 11, not only does she not get to choose to defy a court order BUT “her” fear is only being fueled by what you are telling her
Did the grammar hurt anyone else’s head?
Your daughter is very mature for an 11 year old. She has made a decision based on the facts as she knows them and her opinion/thoughts/decision should be RESPECTED
If they wanna see her n do things with her. Perhaps they need to come to her in a safe environment.
I am sure she misses them and would LOVE to spend time with them. Perhaps the phone calls/texts n messages are it for now.
She’s soooo smart.
She is old enough to know what she wants to do. She sounds like a very mature little lady. If she doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t make her. You are not influencing her. It is her decision. Her father needs to know that she doesn’t want to visit right now. If he tries to guilt her into it, he may alienate her. She is trying to spare his feelings while he is hurting hers. I pray everything works out for her. Blessings:pray:
maybe she needs to write them a letter, explaining why she doesnt feel safe and to stop making her feel bad and hurting her for her choises during thus trying time in our nation… my heart goes out to her… and mom u keep a copy of what she sends.
She’ll enough to decide if she doesn’t want to go and why. If her dad and his family can’t accept that reason,it’s on them. They should respect her decision and also for her being honest with them.
I wouldn’t force her to go.
And then I’d say something to her father.
She’s old enough to make that choice. Of she doesn’t feel safe going then that should be that. If her father can’t understand that then he’s the issue. I’m sorry. Give your little girl a squeeze for me
Teach her to stand her ground, it’s not right for them to be tugging her in a certain direction because it benefits them. They should understand her saying No Means No.The dad is being extremely controlling and completely ignoring her opinion and wishes as if she isn’t old enough to think for herself. i suggest just talking to her and letting her understand as good as it is to be kind hearted (and she sounds like she has a beautifully good heart) that it isn’t okay to let people walk all over you and try to alter your opinions based on their wants over yours. 
I dont know where you live but from what Ive been hearing is its not really a good idea to be going back and forth because the virus is still around.Things are not safe and you have a little one at home to also worry about.If she doesnt feel safe then her dad and everyone should respect that and stop bugging her.I would tell her father that shes worried for her sibling and you and that as much as she wants to go over there she doesnt want to risk her sibling or you getting sick… If he doesnt understand that then tell him to bad your familys saftey comes first.My kids always worried about thier dads being mad at them so I just put the blame on me because I could care less if they liked what was said or done.
Well not a great dad if he doesn’t understand his daughters fillings.
Why does she feel unsafe??
I’d say something to them and if he takes it out on her I’d have his ass. She is old enough to know what she wants.
People like that (guilt tripping n playing kids) aren’t parents. Poor girl.
Shes 11,I think that’s an appropriate age for any parent to respect her wishes on who she wants to be with at the moment bc of safety reasons of covid 19 and just be understanding about it,if he gets upset about her decision then try having her explaining it to them,if they keep making her upset bc of her decision…then she definitely needs to let them know hey,I’m worried about my health safety from covid 19. Her dad may not understand but after awhile I do believe they will understand and see what and how much it means to her
You should really talk to her father and her about her fears. She needs to be reassured that as long as everyone is being careful she has nothing to worry about. Also try to distract her from the news or social media because all it is really doing is unnecessarily scaring people. You letting her stay with you especially if it’s supposed to be her time with her dad can very easily be perceived by him as you manipulating the situation. Keep communication open.
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your daughter to find out why she doesn’t feel safe going to her dad’s. If something is going on that is making her feel unsafe, she needs to tell you. If you talk to her dad first he will most likely tell you everything is fine. Your daughter saying she doesn’t feel safe there should raise a red flag for you. Let her know she needs to tell you so you can help her. Praying for you both.
You reassure her that she will be safe at dad’s just like she is with you and that she still have lots of fun with her dad. My ex husband lives in another state and gets my son for a week once a month and it’s very important for the child AND the other parent to get that time together. Srnd her with a mask and reassure her.
The fear of covid is even very real to kids. As a child care provider I was listening to an eight year old conversation with another child about age. They asked me. I answered 71, I will never forget the 8 yr.old’s facial expression with the words “but the virus can kill you.” Keep in mind I had cared for this boy since age 3. I assured him I was going to be real safe. He was scared of the covid19.
You tell her that she will be safe with her dad just like she is when she is with you. make yer feel safe in going to be with her dad they feed off us so if you don’t talk about her not being safe she will pick up on that but if you incourge her and let her know you know her dad will keep her safe just like you do when she is with you.she will feel safe. you have to be the one to give her the positive about going and how safe you know her dad will keep her. Remember if it was you that was getting the visitation you would want to see her just put yourself in his shoes.
May God guide you and keep you in your journey as a mother.
I would talk to her to get to the bottom of her fears. Make sure you are not feeding into them. Then if you decide it is safe for her to visit her dad reassure her, come up with a plan to make her feel safer. If his home is truly a much bigger threat of Covid then your home then reassure that she is doing the right thing.
Dad and grandparents should understand her fears and not guilt trip her by telling her what she is missing😪 Understandably they miss her but it’s about how she feels. You are doing right by listening to your daughter. Hopefully when this is over things will go back to how they were.
The father, unless there’s abuse of neglect, has a right to see his chi!d. Get together and make a plan so she feels safe. Buy her wipes, masks she needs a relationship with her father
First off dad and stepmom need to back off with the guilt trip… It’s not good for her mental state… She needs to be able to articulate what her fears are…then based on her reasoning inform dad to let her make her own choices… She’s sounds old enough to decide what is best for her…
Perhaps they do no mean to “guilt trip” her. Frankly if you and your family are taking measures to be safe and her Dad and his family are as well…meaning no large gatherings…distancing etc. Then she is just as safe at his house as she is yours. Her dad misses her and wants time with her as well…and she needs her time with her dad as much as she needs time with you.
You and her Dad should be talking about what EVERYONE needs to do so she can feel safe in BOTH of her homes. There does not seem to be a quick end to this virus…so something needs to happen so she can continue a relationship with both of her parents.
It is possible she is worried about leaving you and bringing a disease back to her baby sister…but essential workers leave their children and return to them each day. So while precautions may be necessary it is NOT impossible and it is the ADULTS job to figure out how to make the kids safe
Tell the father she doesn’t feel safe right now. If hes a good father he will understand. Tell him to give her time. Shes 11 years old. Don’t force her to go to him or it may be a decision you will one day regret. If they go to all those places he says he may be scaring her more about covid 19.