She’s a child at this age she should have an opinion not the final say you need to be talking to the father, you need to be telling her it’s fine to go and remind her of the safety precautions washing hands distance etc… he is her parent he deserves to see her
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Maybe ask her to talk to dad about going to see him but no leaving the house. Just staying in the home where she will be safe. She needs to keep that bond with her father. It sounds like they miss her and are trying to get her to come over. I don’t think they are intentionally trying to guilt her. They miss her.
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Well someone has to tell him, either you or her…that’s simple…and I would let it be her, and it’s not like she’s never coming back. The other mother and grandma should understand and stop tell her they are doing this and that Coronavirus is everywhere 
tell ur daughter she don’t have to go now
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I’d call her father and explain what he is doing to his daughter. Maybe they don’t realize they are hurting her feelings and miss her. If they are being malicious, then explain in a very direct voice that if they continue to bully her, that they may not see her for a while bc of a court order.
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This girl is thinking of her youngest sisters safety and going back and forth and with this covid thing going on that is what she is worried about so I pretty much see what she is afraid of so I can understand what she is afraid of she scared of bringing something home to her baby sister…so maybe thats why she doesn’t want to be going back and forth thats my opinion but I could be wrong but if both parents are open minded to it they should talk to there child about it in this case…just an outsiders suggestion goodluck…
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I wonder if she’s going to friends houses, to the grocery store, restaurant with you… other places that are not safe. Her fathers house wouldn’t be any less safe than that. My state says a child cannot make a decision for themselves until the age of 14.
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I would invite the father over sit on porch with him and your daughter…explain she doesnt feel safe going back and forth being you have a new baby… Offer video visits as often as HE can do them daily if possible…have him understand its HIM and HIS CHILD visits not the family… He should understand and do as she wishes… Its HIM and HIS CHILDS TIME not everyone else’s…if its comfortable and agreeable with you and your spouse and daughter offer him to come spend time at your house outside so he can see her… Him and her are the important ones not his wife or family…
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How about inviting the dad to a safe neutral place and the 3 of you discuss it. Your daughter is a child and while I personally feel she should have a say so it’s up to the parents to work it out for her.
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I come from a broken home, similar issues I dealt with growing up. Stand behind what she wants. Her dad is being very unfair to her! He should respect her and keep the comments to his self! Shame on him!!!
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To be honest, you’re asking strangers on the internet about a very individual thing…everyone has their opinions about covid…do you think shes fine to go? People saying its safe have no idea…none of us really do we are just happier taking the risks…i know people who havent seen thier kids in months through shared custody and a lot of that was the parents choice due to working around others…just make your own mind up about it first…then let her know what youre gonna do. But i would definately talk to the dad, manipulation like that is not ever okay and as a parent that should be a concern, its not ok to guilt anyone like that.
Children at this age like to play the parents. Is it covid she doesn’t feel safe from?? I honestly think shes playing u mom and that’s y she doesn’t want u to talk to her dad. If she isnt being abused then make her go. If u let her make the decision now u r in real trouble in a few years.
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If it’s safe at her Dad’s you tell her she should go. Her Dad has rights also. She is 11? Why is it even a question? Unless you think there is another reason she doesn’t want to go.
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This sounds like a little more then covid, she continues to tell you she doesnt feel safe, any kid at that age would normally jump at the opportunity to do something they love, so she may be telling you something else
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I would sit her down and explain what mental abuse is. Then I would explain that in order to protect her from the mental abuse her dad and step mother are putting her though you need to talk them and put a stop to it. If he can’t stop I would cut off all communications with them. Explain to the court why you’re doing it if they try to come after you legally.
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At 11 she should not be worried about Covid! For Gods sake have her see her father and turn the damn tv off so she doesn’t have to watch
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An 11 year old should not be making these decisions. She’s a child.
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It’s hard on both sides. Her paternal Grandma misses her and her dad does what he can to tempt her. Just a suggestion, FaceTime every day! Have Grandma read her a bedtime story while FaceTiming. Have dad face time her in the morning “ good morning … I love you!’ Reassure your daughter that you appreciate her trying to protect her mom and the new baby but this pandemic will go away. She will be able to do sleepovers again in the future. I’ll your ex wear a mask? Can they go to the zoo or a park?
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First, find out why she doesn’t feel safe.
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I may be the only one who wonders if her not wanting to go there is just about COVID. My red flag would be flying high!!
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First of all WHY dosen’t she feel safe? Once that’s been established you take it from there
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If there is a court custody agreement follow it. If not then talk to the ones guilt tripping her. If she made the decision on her own without your influence they need to respect her wishes.
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Shes 11 and old enough to make some decisions on her own. If she feels wants to protect her health,it shouldn’t be forced. She might also be taking everyone else’s health into consideration as well, especially the new baby. Being forced only leads to resentment. I resent my parents for forcing me to do things I felt would get me sick. For example: in the 6th grade most of the students in both 6th grade classes were out due to the flu. Because I got sick easily,I asked my parents if I could stay home for the remainder of the week(2 days) to avoid getting sick. Nope, they made me go. Halfway through the day my mom had to come get me because I caught the flu. Everyone else in my household including my year and a half old sister,whom had just gotten over the chicken pox, came down with the flu.I resent my parents to this day for that.
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custody rights stand and a child cant decide what adults should be doing
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There are things you can keep between you and her. You should talk to her father about this. Oh and keep the news off. This is stressful and frightening for adults. Imagine how scary it is for kids. Shut the news off
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If he gets mad then thats bad parenting its hurting her feelings and isnt ok it will destroy her head. Simply tell him it isnt ok that how would he feel if someome did it to him type ordeal. Dont let him or them guilt trip her trust me mine did all time and it has added to my mental health
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Just tell her dad that you need for her to stay with you until the COVID is over. If he ask why then tell him you don’t feel comfortable with her being out in the world and taking a chance of bringing it home to you and the baby. Period.
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Think you need to touch base with her father. Just let him know this is what she’s saying to you and see what he offers.
I would not assume it will be safe
I would be very careful in your understanding of her reluctance to go be be with her Dad. You need to ascertain whether it is truly covid or something else. Then if it is covid her wishes could be honored but with some modifications, such as video chats and outside meeting at a distance. But I would be very cautious.
My daughter didn’t see her dad for 3 months because her baby sister lives with him. All 4 of the parents involved made this decision together, to protect the baby. A parent who refuses to understand that is an irresponsible parent, in my opinion.
I would do what is best for her and where ever her custody parent I am in your shoes I am keeping my daughter home and safe he can call her in the phone but with this virus going around she has seen him 3 times since March and was there keeping us at a distance because I don’t know where he has been and I want to keep her safe if he can’t understand that take me to court and I will explain it the judge that I am just trying to protect my daughter from the virus so the point is so what is you think is best for you and yours
It’s up to you to advocate for your daughter. She doesn’t eant to go tell them. No way in hell would I let them make her feel bad for that.
I agree with most of everyone else, and find out if it’s truly covid or if it’s something else. Also explain to her its safe. I get she is looking out for her sibling but i would also explain how much her dad wants to see her and talk to the father to let him know he hurts her feelings and you are doing your best to make her feel safe enough to go over there. Maybe give her a mask to wear or dumb thought and people might disagree but maybe ask for them to get tested to reassure her shes fine.
Just leave it alone your her advocate, speak up for her, I agree with your daughter she doesn’t need to be exposed to other people that might carry the virus
Tell her she will be fine. And Should go see her dad. But usually if a child doesn’t want to see someone there is usually a bigger issues going on that she isn’t telling you. Also she is a child. She doesn’t need to know all about covid. Let her enjoy her time being young and worry free. She won’t be able to do that much longer.
She might just want to stay with you and her baby sister. Did not wanting to go to dad’s start in May when baby sister was born? She may be a little jealous which is normal for her to feel that way
You really need to have a serious conversation with all of them, you can do it by computer or video chat, tell them how she feels, because in the end she will resent them for what they are doing to her and won’t even call them.
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I think go with her wishes and tell her if they guilt her again and make her feel bad you will talk to them. If she doesn’t feel safe then she doesn’t feel safe… They need to stop making her feel bad for it.
As a mother I wouldn’t have to ask anyone else for advice. I would respect my daughter’s words and abide by your own conscience
Buy her masks n sanitizer enough while she gone maybe that will make her feel better about going
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U could be held in contempt of court if u dont make her go,even though she does not want to since u and the father share custody.
It isn’t safe…and I would not make her go. They can be very careful and still get it…this will end and then she can go. I would be very proud of her that she doesn’t want to expose her baby sister. Maybe she would let you tell her Dad that she is concerned it isn’t safe and I am sure if you called health department they would tell you to keep her home. Whatever I would not make her go and both he and his mom need to stop bullying her by trying to make her do what they want her to do. cause that is what they are doing by trying to make her do what they want by bribing her. she may change her mind later but right now…let her stay home if she wants to. Her dad is the adult and should realize she will go when she is comfortable.
Tell them to grow up be adults and think of your daughter first. Her feelings should come first.
I think it’s really your daughter’s decision and you should just tell them how she feels about it. She’s old enough to know what she wants and what she doesn’t want
Significant is her last sentence. Why would he get mad at an 11 year old because her mother spoke to him ?
If you have a court order and it’s police enforceable
You have to follow it!!! If she doesn’t want to
Go there anymore you have to
Go back to
Court
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Make her feel safe going there. Encourage it and ease any worries she has.
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She can visit an still be safe you can tell her you want her dad to respect the social distance thing, an other things put in place so she feels better about it. Including temp takeing etc. That you want them to visit it’s just all the media has her leary
Speak up for her. She’s afraid they won’t love her if she tells them to stop. This is very telling, she needs you to stand up for her. Then explain what and why you did it.
To answer your actual questions and NOT give you a lecture about how she needs to see her dad, which you already know, and definitely know now because all the Karen’s have told you how to parent on this thread…yes, I would say something to dad about the guilt trips. He may not know what he’s doing to her.
Every voice needs to be heard…Respect her wishes at this time.She can face time him. Dont force her…If the dad loves her…he would understand n respect her feelings.When my grandson age 8 Isn’t up to seeing his father…He just tells him n he understands n they face time one another.
Well someone needs to get ahold of his ass and tell him how she feels thats not right foe them to make her feel that way. Also your her mother 1st and need to tell him how she feels
If she does not feel safe then do not force her. Her dad should understand. They will be sorry if the baby gets the virus.
I think that if an 11 year old is that terrified of the virus it’s because someone has been filling her head with fear… Her dad has every right to see her
This COVID is messing with kids heads. Possibly a counselor session via teleconference
I wouldn’t have ever allowed her to stop the visits in the 1st place. Imo visits with the other parent are more important than anything.
Can her dad come visit her at her house at a safe distance etc?
You need to follow the custody agreement
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What can you and her Dad do to make her feel safe?
Your daughter is old enough to speak for herself, no better time to learn to speak up.
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Ok just to clear something up. I have a friend of mine who wasn’t allowed to see her kids for 4 months. They have a court order that she is to have them every other weekend. The father wouldn’t let her have them. She got the police involved n they sided with the father saying it wasn’t safe for the kids to go back n forth because of the covid. I would get a hold of your lawyer n ask them what should you do. She does have a voice let her talk to the lawyer. Maybe they can help you instead of getting all these negative comments.
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I dont know about other states, but here in Missouri, if a court order is in place Covid is not a valid excuse to not follow it. The flip side is that most law enforcement wont enforce it at this time, due to Covid concerns. Have you considered a compromise where the father comes to your house? He could visit with her, and if she feels comfortable he could take her locally for the day. Do you take her out with you? If so, do you take precautions when out? I am not a big fan of masks or gloves, but for some, they feel safer when wearing them. As a child that came from a broken home, I resented my mother not allowing us to see our father. I am now grown, with grown children of my own, but do not have a relationship with my father. I really feel that it is necessary for her to voice her concerns to her father, in a safe environment. If she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to him, she needs to be ok with you doing so. There is no easy answer here, but her father is left to wonder what is actually going on. If he is a good father, he at least deserves to know her reservations so that he can address them on his end.
YOU, the mother, need to step up and say something to her father! Just tell him until all of this COVID-19 stuff is over…there will be no visits.
How about keeping your personal life to yourself
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Support your daughter in all things great and small! You will regret if you do not‼️
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She needs to say what she wants it’s okay either way!!
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We went through this with deciding what to do when the lockdown first happened in March. I made the decision for my daughter to not come over for a month or 2 until cases started to fall. We eventually made the decision to picks things up as normal. However it sounds like this Mom poisoned her daughter on visiting because no 11 year old is gonna be worried about this without being filled will fear from an adult. Shame on this mom
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Don’t force her. Hope her dad understands just how scared she is.
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Encourage her to talk to her dad.She needs to tell him about her fears.
I would let her tell her dad and then you take the phone and tell him
She needs to see her dad. Plain and simple.
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She sounds like an intelligent young lady.
I would have a open conversation with your daughters dad and explain why she doesn’t feel safe and that he shouldn’t guilt trip into not being there w them if that’s something that she doesn’t want to do. And they have no rite to guilt trip an 11yr old girl like that . It doesn’t help ur daughters decision in going back over there once this stuff is over with .
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I guaranteed if he had her and he didnt wanna go adjanist het wishes to send her back, youd be all over that. Saying hes kidnapping her.
She has to tell her dad
Is she saying she doesn’t want to go back a forth because it’s not safe or are you telling her that? Her dad deserves to spend time with his child. And you should be reassuring her that her father is doing everything to ensure her safety…
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She’s old enough to understand and I experienced this with my daughter in a different way and she had some issues with the way things was at her father’s house. I told him she was old enough to decide where she wants to be and when she was ready to come back to visit I would bring her but I would Not force her. It took her almost a year before she was ready.
Talk to her Dad tell him she is having anxiety about it and get her counseling, this can be a very scary time especially for kids!
IF you have a court order it is considered contempt of court by not following it—- they can file contempt on you and file for primary custody if you don’t follow it
Discuss with your child the importance of good hygiene and social distancing
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Explain to her dad that she is scared and it doesn’t have anything to do with him or not wanting to see him. She doesn’t want to endanger you or her baby sister. If he cares about her he should understand her concerns. Encourage him to plan something special to do with her when she feels comfortable.
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The way you word it, and probably twist the truth, to get the response of women to side with your view is disgusting at best. But I am encouraged that about a third of the responses see through it. Here’s a thought, let the ex husband have primary custody, and you pay child support, and he gets all the tax breaks, and you have to pay your own bills, and you never get to see your kid because he lets the child decide not come to see you. You are disgusting “class act” modern day women’s libber, probably a Democrat too. God have mercy on you and those who think just like you.
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She’s 11 years old, at this point, a judge would allow her to make decisions on whether or not she wants to see her father and his family. Yes, he could take you to court, it would take awhile to get a hearing. At 11, there is a reason she doesn’t want you to talk to them. She may be telling them you won’t let her go, while telling you she doesn’t feel safe. Bottom line, you are the mother, it is up to you to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. She doesn’t feel “safe” there for a reason. It could be anxiety over the pandemic, it could be something else entirely and the pandemic is a handy excuse. I’m a little concerned about the other adults response of trying to manipulate her and make her feel guilty.
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To me there might another reason why she doesn’t want to go. I would sit down and ask her. Also, don’t tell her everything that is horrible about covid-19. To me she is a child and shouldn’t be under stress regarding this virus. This virus is here to stay. If you feel like her father and his family is practicing safety then you should encourage her to go and see them. At the end of the day if there is a court order in place you are by law responsible for enforcing that your child see her father. Also, your child is 11. You are not her friend you are her parents. Talk to the father and you all need to get down to the bottom of why she doesn’t feel safe to go over there. I feel like it might be bigger then just this virus.
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My kids didn’t need to decide if they wanted to go with their dad because their dad said he wasn’t taking them on his visits because i (mom) work with Covid patients and didn’t want to expose the new family to it. So why is it if I don’t let them go I could be in contempt but he gets to choose when he wants them when it fits his schedule
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Ur daughter is smart. She knows wht to do. I think her father & family doesn’t understand what pandamic means. Its stupid behaving like that with a child. Safety should be the 1st concern of every parent. How can they treat her like that.
Since you don’t know any advice givers may I suggest another viewpoint?
Why not contact the father and stepmom. Plan a meeting for the benefit of your daughter. She can be included if the adults can act in her behalf with the idea of what is good for the minor. You said her concern is about bringing the disease home. By holding a meeting with all parties everyone learns what protections are in place at each home. What changes can be made to alleviate the daughter’s concerns. Your daughter will also see her family working together to keep her and her baby sister safe. Hopefully the adults have come to a place where they can all act like adults and not let past hurts overshadow their child. Might start a good dynamic in all the relationships. I was blessed with a terrific Mom and Stepmom.
You need to get your “Mama Bear” suit out and put it on. If ANYONE guilt-tripped any of my kids like that and my kiddo was crying after the phone calls, I would call Dad right back and have a “Come to Jesus” meeting with him right then. That is your job. Protecting your child’s life, physically, mentally and emotionally. She’s eleven. A young preteen. Closer to a child than she is to a teenager. This a tough time. She has fears, …these can be overwhelming times for us adults so just imagine how overwhelmed an eleven year old would feel. Frightening! You and Dad (and if you guys can get Grandma and the other wife involved in this….Great!) need to work together to assure her that you guys are making sure everything is safe as far as her fears about covid19. You are the parents, and (I assume) you have visitation schedules set up with Dad, so if that is the case, she might have to go to see him. You might be ordered by the courts to send her to him for a visit. Mom…you have to step up to the plate on this. You and Dad have to work as a team on this. You come to us for suggestions, so mine is…work out a workable and mutually acceptable plan for you as a team for helping her navigate her fears, frustrations, drama, all that hormonal upheaval that starts as a preteen and proceeds on through the mid-teens (I say mid-teens because my kids became more adult-like in their maturity from about 17 on to adulthood). Covid 19 is as good a place to start as any. If you adults do this well enough, she will feel comfortable coming to any and all of you with anything that is on her mind. Your oldest child is about to undergo the most dramatic changes in her physical, mental, hormonal and emotional body heart and mind since birth. She is going to need you as a team of guidance, support, love, security, and structure and (at times) discipline.
Reassure her and send her to visit. Both parents are inportant and if the show were on the other foot, I’m sure you’d be quite unhappy if she didn’t want to visit you. It is the parents jobs to foster the relationship of the child with the other parent.
I think it’s really your daughter’s decision and you should just tell them how she feels about it. She’s old enough to know what she wants and what she doesn’t want
I would encourage her to share her thoughts with her dad
If you know your kid is scared, why would you make her feel guilty? Asshole.
People are going to get sick
Respect her feelings.
I would confront them.
Talk to her dad. Express her concerns. If you already have, do it again . Are they willing to come up with a plan to make her feel safe and secure while there? If they want to see her and they understand her fears they will come up with something that works. If they’re willing to do so, have her go. Sometimes it’s a ripping the bandaid off type thing . She got used to staying by you in her comfort zone. If it’s safe by dad and you know she’s ok while there she needs to realize his home is a comfort zone as well
if he gets mad at her because she came to you with concerns about the virus and keeping it away from her newborn baby sister by not going over to his house, then he needs to check himself. he needs to be more understanding, and save some of those ‘fun things’ he’s doing for when she does feel better about going over there.
First of all install in her that her feelings do matter & nobody not even her father has the right to guilt her into doing something she feels in wrong. That is very important now & when pressure reguarding drugs, alcohol, sex & criminal activity come into play with her peers. Despite how seriously her father or others in this group are taking this pandemic your daughter feels strongly about following the experts guidelines. Don’t degrade her for that. It’ll make her question herself in the future. I would talk to her father. Explain to him that she feels strongly that she needs to protect herself & your family & what he’s doing now will make decision making more complicated & her more easily manipulated in the future. A good father wouldn’t want to do that to his child. Id sit down with her & try to find out if it’s anything other than the virus that’s keeping her from her father. Don’t suggest anything like “does he hit you” or “is he mean to you” just ask open ended questions & give her the ability to tell you if there is anything. Ask her how she feels about the current arrangement. If she doesn’t like the spilt custody thing I’d file for primary physical custody. Getting her a counselor could also be helpful.
One thing I’ll say and I’ll say only that all us mothers can understand. NEVER SEND YOUR CHILD SOMEWHERE THEY FEEL UNSAFE! PERIOD.
Guilt tripping her isn’t only hurting her. She’s obviously scared of getting sick and then taking her to do all kinds of things isn’t good either. Find out if covid is the only reason she doesn’t feel safe going or if there’s something else. It’s important she gets time with them as long as they are keeping her safe and she wants to go but if there’s something going on she needs to tell you or someone
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This is about the child…not the parents. Her father needs to quit with the guilt trip…if he was a good father he would respect the child’s wishes and just stay in touch via face etc. until the child feels safe!
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If she doesn’t want to go then they need to respect her wishes. She shouldn’t be afraid to express her fears, her father should be scared of what will happen next if he continues to manipulate the girl.
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