When I was 19, I gave birth to an amazing son, who is now 8 yrs old. I was sleeping with his “dad” casualy when I met my now-husband. ( we dated for two years, broke up and started sleeping together without strings) I stopped sleeping with him when I started sleeping with my husband. About a month later, I found out I was pregnant. I was very honest with both of them that the changes could be 50/50, and his “dad” told me good luck, and my husband said great, let’s get married. We did and have now been married for almost nine years and have five boys all together. His “dad” and I are still friends if we see each other, and he asks about him (he does claim him as his own) but nothing other than that. I am assuming that he is the father by his looks and the way he acts. The timing was so close that the dr couldn’t tell me by conception date. My husband is an amazing father to him and has never treated him differently than the boys we know are his. My question is this…Do I get a DNA test done? Do i tell my son, if my husband isn’t his bio dad? Nothing will come from this as my husband claims him and takes care of him, and his “dad” claims him but wants nothing to do with him. His “dad” is adopted by his mom’s husband, and his mom is also adopted, so he can’t even get a medical history or something of that nature. On the one hand, I feel like my son deserves to know who is bio dad is, but on the other hand, will it only hurt him knowing that he has known about him his whole life and wanted nothing to do with him? I only want what’s best for my boy but also don’t want to lie to him. What would you mommas do?
I say be truthful with him. As if he was to find out down the road he maybe mad at you for it. And if you are worried about medical issues down the road maybe see about getting one of those medical genetic testing done.
I would leave it alone! Also why are you talking to this guy still? I think when he gets older he has the right to know who is real father is.
Do a DNA test and tell him the truth. Honesty is love.
Maybe test your husband, then u can decide if u even have to say anything to the other one, he may not be the dad after all, but ultimately u will have to decide
Leave it. If it comes up when he’s older be honest. It was a possibility but you were in love with his dad by that point and his dad was in love with him
I am not a parent but I was adopted I know who my biological mother is but not sure who my birth father is but even if he does not what to know me I would still what to be told who it is and also see a pic
If it won’t change anything I would wait, your husband loves and care for him as his own, and the assumed “dad” won’t want any more than to ask here and there like he does now then when he is old enough to really understand maybe have a talk with him he’s 8 and might be too sensitive to it thinking “my dad isn’t my dad” could just cause hurt, but your his mama and you know in your heart when the time is to tell him
I would have gotten the test the minute baby was born. I’d do the test.
Test your husband just for medical purposes. You say the other guy was adopted etc but what the other guy could have/develop will still be useful if he is the father.
Test you’re gunna wanna know regardless like in a medical emergency
Find out the truth and tell him when you feel the time is right. If your husband is the father you won’t have to worry about saying anything
Leave it be. If the other was willing to walk away that’s that. Sperm doesn’t make you a dad
Why create the drama if your husband is a good father why even bother with the guy who didn’t wanna be here for you? Leave it alone you opening up anything will cause issues honestly it’s better for everyone if you let the past be in the past
You can’t live a lie with your child and expect them to be honest with you… He will find out someday, somehow. Better he find out from his mom and know he can count on you to always be honest with him.
Why take a DNA test if there’s a 50% chance your husband isn’t the father? He claims him as his own, loves him as his own, why would you want to potentially crush him if he finds out he’s not his son?
Biology doesn’t make you a parent.
Be open and honest with him. He is old enough to understand. If he is curious about finding out if his dad, your husband, is truly his bio father then he will let you know. Let him decide.
He has a father, clearly, you are aware that biology means nothing.
Your son deserves to know and the rest of the adults involved deserve to know as well. His brothers should know eventually but first things first I’d get a dna test without telling your son what it is exactly until you get a result. No reason to say hey your dad might not be your dad if it turns out your husband IS his bio father. If he happens to not be biologically your husbands, nothing will change. Its been so long now that IF he happens to be your ex’s child, IF your ex wants a relationship, you should allow it to happen.
He deserves to know his bio dad, eventually at least.
Best advice I ever got from a lawyer was “let sleeping dogs lie”. If knowing at this point will change nothing I would leave it alone until or unless something comes up that would require you to know or he gets old enough to really understand and let it be his decision.
He will one day find out. He will even hear something or start to realize he may not look like this siblings or something. I would be honest eventually. Tell him he has two dads. All I know is my friends sister found out on accident her dad wasnt her bio dad and shes had nothing but issues ever since. She found out as a teen and is still angry.
Every child deserves to know who their parents are if it’s an option. And you could tell him (and have your husband tell him, if he’s not biologically his child) that no matter what, family doesn’t end with blood. He’s just as much his dad as he’s always been, and loves him as if he were his bio father. If his “dad” doesn’t want anything to do with him, that’s his own loss.
My folks lied to me until I was 17 who my sperm donor was. I was told it was my dad. Legally he IS my dad. He legally adopted us when we were little. He’s been dad since I was 6mths.
So he IS dad …but he’s not the sperm donor. My folks lied. Don’t lie.
The lie is the one thing I have a hard time letting go of. Dad is still my dad. That never changed. But once that trust is gone, it never builds quite the same.🤷 Just fruit for thought.
I’d get a dna test, and then explain the situation to your son. His sperm donor wasn’t ready to be a dad, but his dad was. And you both love him very much. Kids roll with and accept things easier then we give em credit for …
Test your son and the man your married to. Don’t tell the boy til he is older.
I only worry as someone who didn’t know my dad wasn’t my dad until later. I was 11 and found out doing a family history project and the family tree book of my grandma’s showed I had a different father. I wanted to know his name and stuff about his family because I didn’t want to risk dating a brother I didn’t know I had as a teen!
Yes tell him! Get the test done and if the other man is the father, you tell them both! What’s done in the dark always comes to light. I know someone who was in the child’s position and found out at 29 years old. He will always resent you, I promise.
He has a right to know who is his bio father is … who are you protecting by not saying yourself your husband ? If your husband truly cares for this child he still will all that happens for the child in question is he will have extra to love him
I think everyone has a right to know
Keep my mouth shut and love my son.
Get the DNA done, it’s not the kids fault that you don’t understand protection. Considering you’ve slept with both and god knows who else without protection, you should all get tested for the nasties too…
Figure it out and test him now! What if you are being friendly with this jerk all these years and he has no relation to your child. Seems insensitive to the one raising him. Keeping secrets and lying is terrible.
if it isn’t going to benefit your son I wouldn’t bother.
DNA doesn’t make a father
Someone like your husband makes a
Father
So why change the family dynamic?
The dad might just be indenial about it really being his and that’s why he doesn’t want anything to do with him . Maybe get the test done and let the kid decide what he wants to do
Agree with above who said have your husband tested with child then if he isnt a match u know the truth and can then bring it up to the other man u slept with. Then bring it up to the child when everything is certain.
I feel like you just shouldn’t stir the pot especially with him being this young. If dad doesnt want to be a real dad, save the truth for later
I think you should talk to your husband about it. His input is perhaps the most important. Besides that, I wouldnt discuss it with your son until you are comfortable having the conversation with him about where babies come from. If you cant tell him that babies come from sex, it would be a little difficult to explain what a biological father was. Also, talking to him before he is mature enough to understand it may make him feel “different” from his siblings.
First you say you don’t know who his dad is. But the way you describe your situation you do know. There’s more to being a dad than biology. You’re not expecting anything from the other guy. It would be different if he was paying you child support or paying for your son’s expenses or something presuming he’s the biofather. Or spending time with him believing he’s his father without your son knowing.
He has a father. Dont wreck something good you have going now. Wouldnt hurt to get the test for your knowledge but i feel like if the boy has two loving parents now in a happy, healthy home dont mess it up
Why ruin a good thing tell your son when he is older.
I think everyone should know the truth,Regardless of the outcome,Your son deserves that!
I would just ask you husband to do the test first and see if he’s the dad and then go from there at least to know for medical reasons if anything were to come up
Why would you wait 9yrs to start thinking about a DNA test?! That’s a long time! Now you’re worried about it?
I would let it beam the other possible bio dad obviously doesn’t want anything to do with him. Don’t fix it if it is t broken
Speak to your husband. I think you all need to know the truth for if you ever need to tell you son.
He could need an organ or something one day and he doesn’t need this type of truth bomb then. He deserves to know the truth
Honesty is always best. The sooner the better. Secrets /the truth has a way of coming out and hurting people worse than the truth coming out first.
Why? Your husband sounds amazing … other guy sounds like a jerk . Why would it matter who the “real” father is now?
If you were married at time of birth husband automatically goes on the birth certificate. If husband has stepped up to the plate and has known and still continues to be his dad i would let it be.
Leave it be. He is loved and that’s all that matters.
Get a DNA test and then be honest with your son
I’d say leave it be, BUT if he claims him as his own(sperm donor), would that come back around to him? What if he mentions it, then your son finds out and your not the one to tell him.
Do the DNA. Your son has the right to know when he’s old enough to comprehend the information.
With DNA tests available now I would do one. It is better to find out now and deal with it. Just do it with husband and son. Do not give other maybe Dad results. Son can make decision when he is older.
Get the test but if hubbys not the dad dont say anything to your son…
I think the man who is in his life is the father. He is the one who takes care of him, loves him and is there for him. The guy you slept with has not desired any responsibility.
Why would you do that?
You would be forcing a man to accept responsibility and your son to lose his father who earned being called father by BEING his father.
I think this is in you. If you do this and get a DNA you have a responsibility to tell the guy first if it is his. Your DNA might surprise you but then your husband will have to share and the boy will feel different than his brothers and sisters.
I would talk to a psychologist first about the impact on your son and family before you do this.
If you really want to know have your husband do a DNA test even an at home one if it’s positive he’s his great if it’s negative then you can make a decision on what you want to do.
I would do the testing with your husband. If he’s not the father, eventually will have to know. You haven’t said if your ex has or might have kids, even if your ex is adopted, there will be a personal history. Your son should eventually know. It’s only fair, but he doesn’t need to know at the tender age of 8 when he won’t be able to wrap his head around it.
I do not understand waiting to tell your child the truth about anything except Santa the tooth fairy and the easter bunny. I have told my children the absolute truth as I know it from go. Lying to them creates distrust. And opens the door for them to be dishonest with you. “Oh, so you can lie to me for 9 years, but I lie about 1 grade and I’m grounded?! Fuck you, hypocrite!”
I’m just saying, he wouldn’t be wrong.
Nothing you say or express will change who is the real father of the child. That’s a fact. You have to take responsibility for your choices because those choices were irresponsible on your part as well. Do right by this child and get the rest done to confirm the father once and for all.
Leave it be, don’t bother with DNA. Ur husband treats him as his own. Don’t rock the boat
Timing of telling your son is a big deal because it will change his world, but also make it his Choice if he wants to know or not, might be a good way to have “the talk” in around about way
Let him decide if he comes to you with questions than you can explain who his father is but your husband is his dad because dads love you and take care of you but your father helped make you
You should probably tell your son at some point. Imagine he find out for himself in the future how mad he might be that he didnt year it from you.
I would discuss this with my husband. Eventually, you need to find the truth.
I know someone. She always felt like she was different from her family. When her mother passed away. Her father, the man that helped raise her. Told her, he wasn’t her father. It broke her mentally.
Dont leave let someone else tell your son. Dont wait until your death bed or a medical crisis.
Okay so I would get a DNA test solely for medical history purposes but I would honestly not force anything with the potential bio dad that decided to just not do anything about his situation or step up. In regards to your son whatever the results are be very honest with him and truthful of course appropriately with his age and if the veil guy that decided to not take responsibility of his actions is the dad or the biological dad tell your son and tell him that Dad is not the one who makes the child dad is the one who steps up and is there for the child in every aspect good or bad and never abandons the child.
I would start with having a DNA test done to confirm who your sons biological father is. Looks have no bearing so don’t assume!
If the DNA test confirms that your ex is your sons biological dad then go from there.
He does deserve to know where he comes from so don’t hide the truth once you know for sure but as he is still young maybe wait until he is old enough to understand?
Do the DNA test and if your right tell him because the true may hurt but lies cut deep
Do the DNA test. Tbh I think you’ve left it way too long to do this! Should of been done after birth
Why all the BS ? Have a DNA test
I have always told my son the truth. It may hurt but in the end, it will become understanding.
I would get the test. Even if it’s just for peace of mind. It wont change who his dad is just possibly who his bio dad is.
Well, you have waited this long. I knew people who told their pre teen son that his dad wasnt actually his dad… he later turned to herion for a long time. Things were never the same. I would knot be telling him at this age.
Can you secretly do a DNA test with your husband so that you know the truth and go from there?
My husband went by stepdad’s name since he was 3. Never adopted by step Dad. He finally met his Dad when I was pregnant. (23) He changed his name legally while in the Army to Step Dad’s name. We never knew medical history. Get a DNA test with your husband first if it is an issue after 8 years. Dad’s and sperm donors are different. Does your husband want to know or do you? I hope he is your husband’s!! The other guy said ‘good luck’ not Dad material for sure.
This is like a soap opera. What the fuck is wrong with people. Your Son needs to know what a whore you are and what a cuck his surrogate father is. It’s only right.
Your actually confusing and need to grow the eff up, get on with your future leave your past in the past or leave your poor husband dragging that crap on for how many year move on or move out that poor manAND CHILD OF ALL THINGS they deserve to know to grow and to move past it as you havnt !!!
Foul play on your behalf lady, all I have to say GROW A PAIR FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILD AND FAMILY
It’s been 8 years and NOW you want to do a test? To little to late.
He has a dad you want to know who his FATHER is and how would your husband feel about you questioning the parentage let it be
Tough call. IF you really wanted to know you should have done so after giving birth. Before you say anything you have to get a DNA test done. You don’t need to let the little guy know anything about it. When you get the test results you can go from there. If he isn’t your husband’s I urge you to tell your son gently as soon as possible.
If you guys don’t tell him, he will hate you when it comes out.
And the truth always comes out
Test you husband first, to rule him out. I mean, you guys might be wrong. If your husband is the father, you don’t have to say anything.
If your husband isn’t the father, you explain some daddies are bonus daddies and DNA doesn’t make a dad.
I suggest you do this before your ex ( or someone in his family) shows up and spills the beans. You might not think you ex wants to be a dad, but the concious creeps up on someone. And if his family knows or he tells them in the future…they could talk to your kid as he is riding his bike outside. You don’t want that drama…you son needs to hear from you two, not the ex or his family
Do the test for your own curiosity. Keep it in your hearts that its just dna results and wont impact ur husbands love for his son and remember blood doesnt make a father actions do
I don’t think it really matters
I would say yes, you should get the DNA test done.
The main thing is that it will be not only for your son’s sake…but for your own sake and piece of mind, as well.
The most important reason is that you should always be able to be open and honest with your children. We, as parents, always try to instill in our children that honesty is the best policy, and lying is not a good thing. The main way children learn this is with parents who are able to model it themselves. (As they say, monkey see - monkey do!)
Other reasons include things such as the ability to identify the root of issues later on in life (such as anything that may be considered hereditary), along with removing alot of feelings of resentment that your son might develop towards you, your husband or his bio father(if it is the ex), if he finds out from another source later on.
DNA tests are done for other reasons that go well and truely beyond just finding out who your biological parents are.
My boys are 9 and 7, and I hope alot of parents will agree with me when I say that children understand more than we give them credit for.
(My eldest was only 6 years old when, while watching the movie ‘My Dog’, he came to me crying and gave me a massive cuddle… He had got to the part where the dog died and they buried him 
I was mind-blown that he had developed the understanding and empathy for others when they experience pain or loss, at such a young age.
He was utterly shattered, and expressed to me that he was worried about our own dog when his time eventually comes.
I just hugged him back, and after he had calmed down somewhat, I told him that I was worried about our dog too, and I would also be very upset when he does pass on. I made sure he knew that it’s ok to have feelings, to be sad, worried, happy etc…
I then explained that it was a movie, and the dog didn’t actually die at that point - he was just really well trained and was an actor just like the people in the movie.
I also made sure that he wasn’t embarrassed about getting upset during a movie, admitting that I cry during sad parts too and it’s not a bad thing. It just means we’re human!
He understood that, accepted it, telling me thankyou and that he loved me, the dog and his family very much.
Although it broke my heart to see him upset like that, it was a very proud mum moment! Knowing my boy has the ability to put himself in other people’s shoes.
And now, we cry during the sad parts in movies together! 
Even though your son is 8, trust me - he will understand.
In saying that… How to go about telling him, is a whole different story! One that only you will be able to figure out.
At the end of the day, as long as he knows that he isn’t any less loved just because his biological father isn’t in the picture.
He knows he has a family who love him. Biological or not… if he calls your husband dad, then he’s dad!
By being honest with him, can also assist with any potential confusions or issues that may arise if your ex decides he wants to be in the picture.
While your deciding on wether or not to go ahead with it, also discuss with your husband and think about how you’d tell your son and what you’ll say. When that time comes, I’d suggest having your husband there too - that way he has opportunity to answer any questions that may be directed at or concern him, as well as being able to reassure the relationship they have with one another(if that comes up).
One last thing…
If you go ahead with it and you tell your son - Please, PLEASE, make sure that IF there are ANY occurrences where your son suddenly decides to use the, “You’re not my dad”, as an argument… Pull him up about it immediately and explain how hurtful saying something like that is, and to think about how he would feel if it was said to him!
Good luck, Mumma 
He’s 8
Why add unnecessary drama to an 8 year old’s life?
His DAD is the man raising him
I would have a DNA test to make sure. There is the chance he is your husbands then nothing more would ever need to be said. And if he isn’t his then have your husband adopt him legally. Tell the young man when he is much older the whole truth. Secrets have a way of surfacing many yrs later.
I think the boy deserves to know the truth but he is still young and right now in my opinion he is still young. I would hope he wouldnt find out from anyone else first if bio dad is not your husband but its definetly not lying or keeping a secret with no intent of telling him i would just maybe wait until he were older if there is something to tell… When he is able to hade the situation as well as possible… Maybe for like a birthday or something but i would have husband there with you when you tell him so that it comes off as both love him all the same and both are his parents all the same just have blood from another man possibly. Good luck mama 
He really deserves to know if your ex is claiming him it will come out and he will be upset with you for not telling him. Do the right thing get the test if your husband is as wonderful as you say nothing will change and you will all know the truth. Praying it all works out:pray:
I say for your piece of mind get the DNA test done. If it turns out your husband is the father , yall will knw. If it turns out ur ex is the father, idk that I would tell ur son, mayb when he’s older to handle it. Good luck
Tell him, please. I have family that has a similar background. They chose not to tell and then a family member did it for them. It caused so much heart ache, better to hear it from you then someone else.
Leave it alone if he wants to know at a later time then you can gave that conversation otherwise give the man that is your husband the respect he deserves in being a great dad
I always think honesty is the best policy even if it means some people getting hurt, they will get over it I think. they meaning your son and his step Dad, your husband might also feel a little offended, I would talk to your husband first and let him know that you think its only fair to your son to know the truth, and that his real Dad is him the one that raised and loved him as his own. Yours sons reaction to knowing of his bio Dad, might surprise you , you never know, what ever you decide, good luck and blessings upon your ultimate decision.
Wait until he is older and sit him down and explain the situation and ask him what he wants to do.
Don’t get a dna test and don’t say a word. As far as you know it’s very possible that his dad is his dad. Leave it be.
It takes 10 seconds to become a father!! It takes a lifetime to be a dad. Your oldest has a father and a Dad, he also has a right to the truth. Will it hurt him? A little, however it will hurt him a lot more to meet his father sitting in a bar (as my brother did) he hated my mother for lying to him for years and years. Don’t let this (possibility) destroy the relationship you have with your son. When he is old enough he should be told the truth. Kids are very resilient.
I just realized his age, I agree with Sarah Moore, you might want to consider the talk when hes a lot older like 16 or even 18
Wait until hes old enough to understand…but get the test done and be prepared to tell him. He needs to know the truth …tough talk coming up…just let him know he’s loved!!
he needs to know but not now wait much later it will cause a lot of hurt at the moment
Leave it alone. Believe yourself that your husband is his Dad. If he isn’t the bio dad then think of your ex as just a sperm donor and nothing else! Know from wxperience
When he is old enough to understand and only you know when… Tell him the truth always. Him finding out later in life will only make him more angry at the situation. If he understands what the situation from the beginning he will learn to be ok with it. Never talk down about his bio dad… If he ask why he isn’t in his life tell him that he loves him he just wasn’t ready to be a Dad, or something to that effect. If he wants to meet him later then be ready for that to happen. If he bio dad doesn’t want meet him then always remind him that he has two love parents they blood does not make you family love and respect dose. He will be ok and you, and his DAD (I mean the man raising him) need to think about making it official and, have him official adopted him. I can say this because I was your son. I made it very fine and that’s what my mom did. I did want to meet my bio dad at 16 and I have somewhat of a relationship with him. I however have so much respect for my DAD that raised me. Best of wishes for y’all.
My husband has been raising my son since he was a year old no one knew he wasn’t my husbands bio son if we didn’t tell them my son knew no different but once he was old enough to understand we told him about his bio dad and he was good with the info didn’t change the way he saw his dad my husband my son just wanted absolutely nothing to do with his doner. I honestly would tell him that way he can never accuse you or your husband of keeping him away from his doner even though you know that the man wants nothing to do with him he may have to find out for himself when he is old enough.