My husband got custody of his daughter when she was 7. I came into the picture when she was 8 and have raised her as my own since (She’s now 17) and we’ve always had a typical Mother/Daughter relationship, neither of us refer to the other as Step. Her Mother passed of a drug overdose so she gets Social Security deposited into a bank account with my husbands name to be used for her. In November of last year she began seeing a boy (18) that we really liked at first but we soon started noticing things such as him being very controlling, Wanting to know where she is all times and screaming at her if she didn’t text him back immediately. This past January we told her he wasn’t welcome at our house for a while because of his behavior and she flipped, yelling and screaming. She asked when she could move out and her Dad told her if she couldn’t follow rules and be respectful she could leave and he couldn’t stop her, She left with her boyfriend that night. She called wanting the bank card and my husband told her he wouldn’t give her the card because the account was in his name and couldn’t be turned over to her name until she turns 18 but that as long as she stays in school and maintains her grades (She was passing all of her classes at home) he would withdraw it every month for her but if doesn’t do her classes online (virtual school) or drops out the money gets put into savings every month and she gets it when she turns 18 this November. She attempted school for maybe a total of 2 weeks, She had well over 100 absences and her highest grade was a 15 before she dropped out in April so her money had been put into savings since then. Now she is threatening to take us to family court and her and her boyfriend are harassing us constantly. My Husband says he’s sticking to his guns, He told her what would happen if she quit and he meant it. At this point, I’m ready to draw it out for her to end the drama! What would y’all do??
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do about my step daughter?
Listen to the hubby. Let her make her own way.
hate to agree with a man, but he is right. She has to learn this lesson and biyfriend needs to understand he cant get what he wants by pushing her to drive parents wacko. Stick it out mom, she will love you for it someday
There’s got to be a way to get her away from her boyfriend. I worry for her safety and yours. Whose to say they won’t come and try to hurt y’all for it. Stick with your husband but watch your back. I’m sure once she has the money they will blow thru it and be back asking for more
Good Job Dad. His rules his home. She shouldn’t be able to get till she is 21 . That age thinks they are so grown up. Then let her fly. Are as my parents called it sink are swim Always have the life jacket ready if she holds her hand out for it. But it still stands .His home his rules. If she can’t follow a simple rules of just going to school. She’s really in for a rude awaken.
Please stick with your husband on this. I’m afraid of what might happen if you give her all that money at once. I wish whoever had set the age of 21 at least. Prayers
Tough love let your husband stick to his word!
This happened to my husband and his daughter same thing. Sounds like her all over again. She called Social.Security and said we were not giving her money to her so what he did was call Social security and had them stop her monthly checks. She dropped out of school and didn’t go back so since she was not in school you are not supposed to receive social security. This stopped our nonsense where that was concerned.
She is a minor that money goes to Him to take care of her. I had a similar issue and I was told take all of your bills and divide them out per member of family living there and charge her the portion that would be her responsibility as well as groceries school supplies the list is endless. It’s money given to him for her benefit and it benefitted her to have a roof, water, gas, electric, etc… if its sitting in an account the judge could order you to pay it to her because it’s still there set aside for her.
Stick by your husband because he is practicing tough love.
We have been in a similar situation. Your husband is right. Try to negotiate with her about getting her degree on-line at the very least
Stand by your husband and his decision! I would ask her to meet you for lunch! Just the two of you! Be the “bigger person” ask her how she is doing, let her know she is always welcome to come home, that you are there for her etc… DO NOT MENTION THE BF! Maybe she will open up, maybe knowing you and her father haven’t given up on her will be the all that she needs to hear in order to leave her BF and the unhealthy situation she is currently in!
Leave Husband in charge. Please Respect his decisions.Legally he is correct and as a parent he is correct. When daughter realizes the disaster this guy is, she’ll have some money to finish High School and move forward. Otherwise at 18, she’ll get money, boyfriend will spend, become more abusive and leave her if she’s lucky.
Hubby is right. Let him handle it. It sounds like you have a great relationship but if you give it to her behind his back she will have you to blame when he blows her money in and she back home with nothing. Sure she is mad now but she will eventually realize that you are right. I sure wish that I had listened to my parents on my 1st marriage. He would not have spent the $20,000 that I got from a wreck settlement when I was 15 and I wouldn’t have lived with 8 yrs of being abused.
No matter how great the relationship, he is her father and you should stay out of it and let him handle it.
Do NOT let her or her boyfriend bully you into giving her money. Your husband should consider going to court and being a conservator of this money. She is totally irresponsible and when the money is gone that ass of a boyfriend will leave her with absolutely nothing.
It is in her best interest. She needs to learn some hard
Lessons about life and the bad choices that her and her boyfriend are making
Let your husband handle the situation he is right, especially when a 3rd party, the boy friend is involved
Being raised in a very strict traditional asian way. Husband is right in this situation. She isn’t 18, and this is a common rebellious phase. As much as us kids and young adults think they know things, parents know a lot better.
Your daughter will thank you in a few years for the harsh but realistic decision.
Support your husband. It is not YOUR money to be touching and your name isn’t on the account.
Listen To Your Husband, He Is Right, And By The Sounds of Her Controlling Boyfriend, Maybe She’ll Wise Up and Return Home !
Stick to what you said. She wants her money, come home and go back to school. It might be you can hold out until she turns 22 but she must go to school. Sad but true, they don’t know what they are doing, how hard life is with an education and a good man. One who trust you, never calls you filthy names. Would never hit or hurt you. Sorry to say she will the hard way. Praying for all of you.
Good hubby/dad! You got a good one.
This has to be hard on both of you.
Love him through it. Life gets really ugly sometimes at this age. Hugs momma!
No don’t give it to her, she will wake up and found she was wrong. Then the money will come in handy. Daddy is doing the right thing and if it is in daddy name he was supporting her all these years that is what the money is for.
Duh!!! Be the adult. Stick to your guns. Dad is absolutely right !!! Tell her to get a job she shouldn’t be handed $$$ anyway
Stick to your plan. What a great husband!! I’d save the money until she’s 21 or 25yo. She’s not ready to adult (I’m a 73yo grandma).
Her father is right. If she and that boyfriend get his hands on her money she won’t have a cent left. I think he should see a lawyer and find out what he can do about his daughter handling that check each month.
Move the money into a trust controlled by the girl’s father. Increase the age at which she gets control. That boyfriend will blow every cent.
Deduct rent, school cost , insurance etc. And give her whatever small amount is left over … HELLO Welcome to life. She wasn’t entitled to that money. Parents make a big mistake in even telling kids about this kind of money. Kids need to make their own way in life.
As you can’t draw it out and only your husband can please stick it out! Your daughter will come back to you in the future and thank you!
Dad is Right ! Fact I would raise the age to 21. Maybe by then she will be more mature , leave the boyfriend and Get back in school and or college.
Stick with your husband. Your daughter needs to learn if you want to make grownup decisions there are also grownup consequences.
Your husband is absolutely right in sticking to his guns. She will thank him when she is a mature adult.
Is he a drug addict and she fell victim to him? Don’t give in. They can get jobs…everywhere is hiring.
It’s not her money. It’s basically child support. As long as her basic needs are met, then she can’t touch the rest. Support your husband but remember her needs ( hygiene, food, housing) must be met monthly.
If U let her have the money know ,Her boyfriend will blow it all and then leave her penny less ,your husband is right .
You need to be united with your husband … stand beside him on this … he is right… she will blow the money and it sounds like the bf just wants to get his hand on it as well
I believe Social Security money is for her support. That means the SS that is for her is for her support, not her spending money. SS usually audits that use of money. They frown on saving it for her to have a cash cow. The parent can take a portion for her contribution to your household expenses. You should find out what legal uses can be made of that money. School expenses food, clothing, fees, expenses for her
No do that because you are letting her call the shot let her wait until she 18 because going blow all her money
Let your husband deal with it.
100% agree with your husband for setting boundaries. She will not learn until really bad things start happening with the controlling boyfriend. He is being compliant by saving it for her.
You could also tell her the dad is her payee and until she turns 18 it’s his responsibility to take care of it and when she turns 18 send her money back to social security and let her get it from them I had to do that with a relative once she turned 18 I sent it to social security I wouldn’t hand it to her made her mad but I did it that way because I didn’t want her saying I didn’t give it to her
Stick to your guns! She isnt gonna take you to court cuz that costs money that she apparently doesnt have
She can turn 18 as much as she likes I will move it 25. O she can go to court no problem.
This dad is a real man. Stick to your guns.
Let the boyfriend provide.
If she is so clever let her feel the consequences of her actions
Stick it out. Do not let her win
She needs to know her dad is serious and he needs to stick to his guns and you need to support your man and stand by him
Daughter is young & in an unhealthy relationship. Stick with hubby’s plan. Daughter will eventually grow out of it & be grateful to have that nest egg.
Dad and you need to stand strong. Shes not going to take you to court…life is about choices, she made hers. We have to teach our children to be adults, sometimes that takes tough love.
I would stick by your husband and stick to your guns, he is doing for the right reasons, she is so young and love makes you blind, that if it goes wrong with her current relationship she will regret what’s she done, keep strong, good luck
Don’t let her have to choose between him and you. I’ve been her and it was dangerous, more so without family. While she has your love and support she will come to see him as you do. She’s still young and just not able to really understand. Please let her come back
Your Husband is right. Do not let her have the upper hand. Your husband has set the boundary, be strong next to him (show her what Unity looks like) and allow her to make her choices and suffer the consequences. Don’t give in she will learn nothing.
Your husband is right. Money should be put in a trust and age pushed until she is more mature. 25. Tough love let her see what it’s like to struggle. She will soon ask to come back home. The boyfriend is influencing her right now. He can’t take care of her and she is grasping at straws. It will not last long. Just be patient.
Your husband is doing the right thing and trying to protect her ;Sounds to me like the boyfriend wants her to support him& maybe go through her money and when he is done so is their relationship too because without education it is hard to find a job to support yourself…let alone another person …get ready for baby if she is that irresponsible
You need to be a partner to your husband & while your role has been important & are basically her “Mom”, he actually IS her Dad & he is Parenting her. You never stop being a parent -regardless of age, you try to teach& do what’s best for your child. That $ was to help support her while she was a minor him saving it for school was above and beyond. Expect better of her…
I believe she can not receive social security if she is not in school. My husband gave his son the soc security check after the son was no longer going to school. SS collected the amount of the spent checks back . This is fraud to collect soc sec when not in school. At least that is what happened to my step son after he cashed a couple checks beforeSSfound out he wasn’t still in school.
Stand with your hubby. She is 17 so it won’t be long till she is 18. I wouldn’t react to her threats. Be cool
Social Security is not an inheritance. It’s for living expenses for the child until they’re able to support themselves. If there’s any money left over after paying for living expenses from seven up until 17 then fine give it to her. Otherwise, deduct whatever the cost would have been for rent, food, clothing, school supplies, doctors co-pays and any other expenses you may have incurred over the 10 years since her mother passed and give her the balance. I’m sure her boyfriend will drop her then.
The money is for her care and maintenance her dad oversees the money to do what he thinks is best not to blow it will end at 18 …I would step back and let your husband deal with her best of luck
Stand your ground. Been there done that similar situation. When she matures and see adulting with her own eyes and how hard it really is she’ll come back and apologize
Don’t make that kind of life easier for her. You know the boyfriend will spend it all. Keep it for when she comes to her senses so she can have a fresh start.
My grandma told all the grandkids that she would give us $1200, if we graduated. We all graduated, but I have no doubt that she would have kept the money, had one of us not graduated. He made a deal with her. I know that you are part of the family, but I’d honestly just let your husband make the decision. He doesn’t want to give in to bad behavior. I know it’s rough, but from what I’m hearing, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. At that age, the only way I learned, was the hard way.
Do a back ground check on him your going to have to do tough love. Get her help now before it’s to late or you will lose her forever. Don’t give in. I’m telling you this because I went through the same thing but I lost my son forever.
Stand by your husband. He is parenting well. He explained what would happen and she is choosing wrong. She is acting out because of her mom dying. Ive seen this time and time again. Make sure your hubs saves all messages and threats coming from them. If they do take him to court then more than likely judge will be on his side.
I am truly TRULY amazed that every single comment is siding with the Dad’s decision!!! You all have restored my faith in humanity! she is a minor. Parents rule until 18. That money was given to her father in her behalf, to compensate for any income lost when the Mother passed away, which would have contributed to the family’s well being. It is NOT her’s to squander. While Dad may have thought he was doing a good thing by squirreling it away for her future, and was able to meet her needs without it, he has a problem. I say, calculate all monthly expenses for the home, divide it by those living in the home. Food, rent, lights, cell phones…etc. Take that portion out of the bank. Now, add in her personal expenses. Dentist, Dr. clothing, school supplies. Divide that in half. The half that Mom might have contributed is factored into that SS, hence, the half. Take that money out of the bank. Dad seems like an upstanding man who wants to help his daughter, so… what was taken out of the bank could be easily put away for her future and fullfill his dream for her. Give her what is left, which won’t be nearly what she thinks she’s entitled to. The money was truly never meant to go into her pocket per sey, but to help her father raise her.
It’s called tough love, good job dad. Parents have to be a United front. She is lucky to have you both care enough to try to protect her
Stick by your husband. She is just a kid she doesn’t know what she is doing that boyfriend will be beating her soon if he dosen’t get the money. Let her find out o her own give it time. She wl be ba k
stand by your husband
Listen to your hubby. Also, if there’s someone in the family, her aunt, cousin, etc that shes close to, ask them to talk to her about abusive, controlling, relationships…theres plenty of info out there…it wont make her leave right away, but it WILL plant a seed
You both should contact s lawyer to make sure everything is done legal. I know she is trying you’re last nerve but hang in there. Talk to your husband. Everybody saying stay out of it you have help raise this child and you do have a say. Be a United front together and she will one day thank you for it.
I’m with so many others tough love.
My mom kicked me out when I was 17 and I got my check then because her words at the time were “I hate you and your brother (he was 23) and can’t wait for you to be 18 so I can put you out with your check and be done with you and him”. I told her give me the check and I’m gone.
If I had to do it all over again I wish someone else would have stepped in and helped me sooner than what happened. My mother is now in her mid 70s basically blind and lives with me and my family.
Tough love it goes a long way.
Your husband is right. She is making decisions now that can literally affect her the rest of her life. What if she has a child? What if they both hook into the addictions community? I think that controlling her rebellion is the best chance for a good outcome with her. She thinks he is her knight in shining armor and that money is the road to keep him interested. He will tire of her and then you need to be there to pick up the pieces and set her on the right track. I had to do that about 3 times with one of my children. He finally “got it” and is now leading a productive life. I think he still resents some of the things I did, but you know what? I don’t care. My child has never been on drugs, never been in jail, has a good job and a family. I did my job. That’s what parenting is—not being their best friend.
Please,when I was 20, I married someone who alienated me from my friends and family. I did not know who to trust. Make sure your daughter knows she can always come home, she can always be forgiven and yes, boundaries need to be honored, but start with baby steps. I’m 50 now and have PTSD from 7 years of a toxic relationship. Decades of deprogramming myself so I could trust people and unfortunately I never got a satisfactory relationship with my mom back. She had her own problems, but three years ago she died and this is what kills me. I can never fix it now. If it could ever be fixed. So, talk with husband, see if reaching out to daughter is feasible and if so, be the strength she needs right now. The human brain is not fully developed until well into a persons’ twenties. I left my husband when I was 25. For 25 years, I’ve been recovering from him. Make it a little easier on your family. Good luck.
The social security is for her upkeep, it’s not her money. It is to help your husband support her, cloth, feed, keep a roof over her head in place of the deceased mother. Social security outlines this, you don’t have to give it to her.
I went through a tough time with my middle daughter. She wanted to go live with her dad so bad because he stopped getting her and her sister every other weekend. At age 13 she told my husband that her dad told her all she had to do was make my husband mad enough to hit her and we wouldn’t be able to keep her from going to live with him. So we told her to pack her bag’s. Her dad picked her up and she went from good to bad and has never turned back. All it takes is one wrong person in their life and it doesn’t matter how right you raised them, they are ruined. My daughter has 2 boys and has been in prison 5 time’s. She is no longer welcomed at my home because last time she was here she had me scared to death of her and locked in my room. I called the police to have her taken from my home, they found drugs in her purse when they arrested her. In my home she made me scared to death of her. It is pretty sad but tough love is the only way for a lot of these kid’s. This world we live in today is not fit to raise kids in anymore. Good luck and stand firm with your husband.
Your husband is right. If she’s grown up enough to be on her own then she can support herself.
Please stick to your word.
Maybe you should not have given her the option of leaving home if she cannot obey rules
The only option is obey the rules!
You also should have considered counselling the moment she flipped.
As it were, she currently does not know what she wants or what she’s doing.
Find a way to reach her and convince her to come back home.
Tell her that home is where love is.
Your husband is being very generous as SSI likely should be used to care for the minor. So, technically, it’s not really “her” money, but he was a good enough parent to put it away for her. I think you should support his decision. Also, if she’s not a full time student, it is not payable to her. She or he will end up having to pay it back.
Sorry but that’s not her money to spend. That is money that should help with all her expenses since her mom died. Just like a spouse paying child support.
The money was actually intended to support her until she turned 18. So technically the father owes her nothing . Chances are if he gives it to her now she when just blow it. To bad he didn’t tell her all along it was going into a College fund ! She would probably be trying harder in school now .
Giving in after Yve set rules is telling her she gets what she wants regardless of her behaviour.
It’s the behaviour u don’t like not her.
Stand with yr husband and support his decision.
Hopefully she’ll get fed up of the boyfriend and will return to u.
Watching her go through this is very hard.
U want the best for her of course u do. Teenage is brutal sometimes. We can lose them for a while. It’s as if they travel around the moon.
They disappear (don’t really want u) behind the moon but they come back into view again n she’ll be wanting u in her life.
Prayers n patience will help.
I hope she’s back to the girl u know soon.
She’s using drugs with new boyfriend. Do not give her $, do not allow him into your home, and keep notes in case you have to call the police. Have the locks on your doors changed and get a new cell#. Trust me. My granddaughter destroyed me. Mentally, emotionally and financially.
Agree with your husband! Sadly she is being manipulated and controlled by the “boyfriend “
Tough love is always hard but stick with your husband she will thank you later
I would of kept her at home and monitor the relationship. At least I could have my eye on her. I was some what of a version of her when I was her age and my mom fought me and kept me at home and watched out for every single thing I did. It was suffocating but it worked! I woke up after a long hurtful period of time and thank goodness all is well I’m old and happy with a wonderful family.
I would not give it to her. She will see him (her boyfriend) for what he is. Just give her time. If you give her the money they will just blow it and then she will want to come back. Praying for you
Stick to your guns. Can’t follow rules so don’t give in to her. Her boyfriend is around only for her money.
Let dad stay the course because boyfriend after her money. Maybe offer some financial if she gets her ged or goes back to school. Dad is doing good
I wouldn’t draw it out and give to her! I would only give her enough money to take care of herself (food, clothes, care fare)! I would stress to her she needs to finish school because today you need a diploma to get a job! That’s just my opinion!!!
I’ll bet there is a drug problem there somewhere. I know I was an addict for 35 years and I acted similarly at times. Husband.is right to withhold funds. I’m 72 now and have 16 clean.
Your husband is willing to be “the enemy” because he loves his daughter. I’ve been in the same position before. I would support him. It’s not easy.
I agree with others, let your husband be in charge of all of this.
You do realize she is the kid in this situation right??? Be the adult, stick with your husbands decision. Sure your daughter will probably have a teenage attitude but she will get over it. This decision is best for all parties involved!!! Good luck!!!
Stick to your husband. She is making bad choices and needs tough love to keep her money safe after she turns 18 it’s a different story.
Do NOT withdraw it and give it to her. Your husband is doing right by her. That money, if withdrawn now, and sadly actually probably later too, will be controlled by the boyfriend and not your daughter. Sadly, all the money that’s been put aside for her is going to be spent by the boyfriend. Watch how quickly it disappears no matter when she gets it. It’s very sad, but, at least while he’s able to prevent miss use of it, he’s doing what he can to protect her and the money. Who knows, maybe in a few more months, she will have come to her senses and realized that boyfriend is no good for her!
The boyfriend is / wants the money. No school no money. And the bf can get a job. Tough love. She can have it on her birthday
I agree with the dad she’s going to thank him when she sees beyond this boy it’s called tough love she’ll thank yaw in the long run
Since she is almost 18 … might as well let her ruin her life , let her learn the hard way. If there is a legal way to put the monies in a trust for her and set is up where she only gets a certain amount every month until she is say 25 that would be a way to hopefully protect her monies.
Support your husband in this. This boy is not a good influence on her. Hope she sees the light before it’s too late.
First, sounds like she might be in a toxic relationship. Your husband is right to stand his ground. It’s called lessons if she survives.
Good husband and if I was him I would put it in a trust fund so she couldn’t get it till she is21