So my wife and I started dating in 2019. Fast forward to Jan 2020 we got married. Then we tried for a child, it worked on the first try. Beautiful, healthy baby girl joined us in late 2020. Fast forward to now, daughter just turned One. And my wife and i haven’t been intimate since we conceived our daughter. I’ve expressed numerous of times how this is a problem/issue on my end. And all i get is “I’m sorry it’s not you it’s me”. I’m not a sex crazed person but it’s been almost TWO years!! I’m dying on the inside a little bit. Previously in our relationship when we were dating we had sex so much, like a ridiculous amount.
I’m 35yr old and I don’t think it’s normal to feel this unwanted by a spouse!
Anyone else experience this? Thoughts, comments, advise?
Have your wife see a doctor,could be simple hormone imbalance to PPD
You really need to sit down and have an open conversation with your wife. She had a baby barely a year ago and may still be struggling with her body image. Having a baby means the body changes in some pretty drastic ways. If she isn’t comfortable and confident in herself the thought of being intimate can be extremely intimidating.
There are many factors that could be causing her decline in her drive. Birth control pills, health issues, exhaustion. From experience on my end…it really isn’t you. I have the same problem as she does…so far my doctors have not fixed the problem. I still find my husband attractive, etc just have zero drive. My advice would be encourage her to go to the doctor, help with the little one, chores around the house, dinner, etc. She may just be tired.
I can almost guarantee that it isn’t the you are unwanted. She is probably still struggling with hormone imbalance on top of seeing her body change so much. She needs to go to a doctor and you both need to have an open conversation.
Something men often don’t realize is that mom has a baby in her personal space all day long so mentally when baby is down for the night the first place our brains don’t go to is how can I get someone else in my personal space now?? It has nothing to do with her love and attraction to you please remember. Try and make a romantic relaxing atmosphere once baby goes to bed.A drink,a back rub,music,cuddling ect and maybe that will help her switch out of touched out mom mode.Most times her hormones are just fine and I recommend not trying to make her feel like there’s something wrong with her body by mentioning hormone imbalance lol.
She had your baby. It’s completely normal to lose the drive a bit, women go through a lot of changes emotionally mentally and physically. Not to mention how tiring a new kid is.
Talk to her. I’m willing to bet it’s got more to do with some of those things, not that she isn’t attracted to you
Sounds like she’s depressed
Talk to her about going to her doctor and get her hormones tested and maybe counseling for depression
So not a comment for the person posting but for the ones commenting. I seem to recall when a woman said that her husband wouldn’t have sex with her she was told to use her hands or use a toy. And now y’all are saying take her to the doctor she needs help. Really???
Sounds like shes going through post partum and has some confidence and self esteem issues. Her lack of sex drive does not mean that she doesnt love or desire you. She had a baby which is hard on the the bodit and mind. And you add in she did this mid pandemic which just adds to the issue. Be patient. Find what you can do to help her. Go to therapy. TALK to her.
Are you worrying about what she needs as much as you’re worrying about what you need?
That’s not an accusation, just a question for you to think about. Maybe she doesn’t feel her needs are met. It’s hard to be in the mood if you’re suffering physically or emotionally. Make sure her needs are met. She may be depressed, she may be exhausted or overwhelmed, she may feel unsupported, she may be experiencing physical pain, she may be having a hard time with her self image or body image, she may really need 20 minutes for an uninterrupted shower or to sleep in on a weekend, or for you to take the trash out, or just to be recognized and to hear you say you appreciate her. Take some time to really think about whether her needs are met. ASK her if her needs are being met.
Mom of 4 here oldest is 15 youngest is almost 3. By the end of the day, sex barely registers on my radar. I’m touched out, talked out, worked out, and just plain had enough of the day. Sometimes I just don’t want anyone around me. Unfortunately my boyfriend takes it personally but he also doesn’t understand what its like to be me either. He isn’t hands on to say the least. I work full time with my day starting at 430 AM, then its kids, house chores, dinner, bath, getting everything set for the next day, and EVENTUALLY I get to close my eyes to sleep for a few hours. Infants and toddlers really take a bigger toll at times in my personal experience. I hope you 2 can work through this. I am still having trouble with my sex drive after almost 3 years and most of the time could care less about it. I do struggle with anxiety and depression which I am on meds for so I’m getting better. But alot of the time I just feel overwhelmed.
Having a child is very hard on women. From hormone imbalances to body image issues to lack of energy. There is a whole list of things it could be before it has anything to do with you. I encourage you to please look up testimonies from women about pregnancy changing their libido.
There is something called “touched out”. It’s real. Mom’s experience on a high level sometimes. It has nothing to do with the spouse. It’s just that after having a baby you literally have another human being touching you constantly. Its not that you don’t cherish it, you do. But it becomes overwhelming and you almost cannot stand the thought of anyone else touching you. It’s weird. This also may be hormonal imbalances or post pardum. Post pardum can happen right after birth or much much later. It’s a touchy subject but she really may not be aware. The fact that you are reaching out to ask means you really care so kudos to you!!! It’s a tough road! But, honestly it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her being exhausted and overwhelmed. You are so kind to care though. It’s not exactly fair to you at all. But, I sympathize with her because her feelings are very real. She needs help and time and sympathy. 
And you need your wife. It’s hard! Prayers for you both!
I can appreciate people on here saying give her time and be patient…read this article and that…he’s been patient! I suffered from PPD and I handled it because I seen the strains it put in myself and my marriage. She needs to stop saying it’s not you it’s me and do something about it. He’s obviously unhappy and has mentioned it to her. Stop putting your marriages and spouses on the back burner after you have a child…this is why marriages end when the kids move out…you neglect each other while parenting but those children wouldn’t be here without that marriage. It’s a priority!
Tell her to get on meds for libido or something. See a dr. It happens. Body goes thru a lot of change she’s prob little depressed but I would’ve been looking into issues a long time ago if I were her.
I feel the same. We had our little boy 20 months ago and I have absolutely no drive but I still try to make my husband happy. Not as often if he wants but still.
To explain a bit what goes around in a woman’s head at this time is ‘I need to wash’ ’ I need to cook’ ’ I need to clean’. On top of that comes the tiredness and the day to day life.
I know it is very hard on a guy being rejected but that doesn’t mean that your wife is no more attracted to you. She is just exhausted and if you talk to her she will admit it. Talk open to each other about it. Eventually she can speak to a doctor but in my case that wouldn’t help. She needs time to get back on track.
Good on you not looking to get it somewhere else
Whatever you do, REMAIN FAITHFUL AND PRAY FOR HER!!!
She is probably exhausted. Babies are a lot of work. Have you tried pitching in more? Are you sharing in all the responsibilities around the house and with the baby? Is she getting enough sleep? I guarantee if she is exhausted the last thing she needs is you commenting on her hormones. Make sure you are being a good partner.
Being a new mom can be so overwhelmingly tiring. If you can help out around the house more, give her time off to rest and it may improve. She also maybe super insecure about her new body. Having a baby changes everything and she may not be comfortable yet. You should def sit and talk with her about it.
I love how everyone is still blaming him with all the “she’s exhausted. Help out more. Be patient.” What makes you think he hasn’t tried all of that, it’s been 2 years… THAT is patience. She needs to seek therapy and/or see a doctor, period.
She’s likely seeing someone else.
Couples therapy for sure. You’re a damn trooper holding out this long. Sex is so important, to feel connected/wanted. Something is up, if she knows its her and not you, time to focus on the problem. Asap.
When I was young no body talk about stuff like that
There are a lot of people telling him to be patient or help her out more. It’s been 2 years that is a LONG TIME and A LOT of patience. You two should seek couples therapy maybe she should see a dr. But if I was in your shoes I would be thinking she’s being unfaithful. That is a REALLY long time to go without being intimidate with your S.O
Holly Holleran and to add insult to injury he mentioned that it’s been almost 2 years, that’s a long time to get the only result “it’s not you” she still has an obligation with her husband as far as balancing her schedule to be able to give attention to their intimacy,I went through the same exact situation once,after trying different tactics and being overly patient, along with sexual neglect, we ended up separated.
You guys have not been together that long and have had many drastic changes in your relationship in that time. And the first year of your child’s life can be pretty hectic in itself, not to mention pregnancy can also be pretty insane. She needs support and time, and maybe you guys could look into couples therapy. Everybody has more sex when they first start dating, raising children can often be pretty exhausting and you can honestly be so overwhelmed with tasks and keeping everyone alive, sex is the last thing you think of
I think you should gently suggest that she sees doctor just to make sure she’s ok medically.I also think it might be time for couples counseling bc this is a big issue and you guys prob need professional help. Also take a minute and reflect on the mental load for the family… is she carrying more than her share? How much sleep is she getting? How much family work is she doing? How do you guys build intimacy without sex? Is she already on a medication that at have taken away her libido? Is she taking regular care of herself? Also I’m going to ask are you taking care of yourself? Showering regularly, brushing your teeth, etc. there’s nothing on your end putting her off? It’s great you’ve been so patient with whatever she has going on and trying to let it resolve. But the intimacy aspect of the relationship is pretty important and if it bothers you def address it as calmly as you can! Good luck!
Having babies is hard on your body. I would ask her to go get checked out by a doctor. Could be a simple fix 
Yes I have I dated a guy for two years and I felt so unwanted in the end we barely had sex barely saw each other the whole relationship
Please help her find a doctor who will address this issue. She’s probably tired, sure, but I don’t think in most cases that means she will completely lose interest in sex, much less for two whole years. She must be having other issues if this is a big departure from your prior relationship. Therapy can probably help her.
Elisa Martin I had my 5th baby may of last year. It was our first together. We haven’t had sex since I got pregnant. I have had health problems since 2018 that affect my sex drive and I do have a hormonal imbalance. He gets frustrated but we talk and I remind him it’s not him but I really just don’t have the sex drive anymore so I try to make him feel good without me having to do anything.
I would ask her to get seen by a Dr to see if she’s okay. My fiance and I haven’t had sex since I got pregnant in 2019. Had our son may of last year. In 2018 I was diagnosed with lupus. Fibromyalgia. Rheumatoid arthritis a hormonal imbalance and now my Dr has told me I’m possibly going into perimenopause. All the women in my mom’s family have went into early menopause in their early 30s. I have no sex drive at all. He knows about all my medical problems and what they cause. He does get frustrated but I try to make him feel good without having to have sex.
I would have her go speak with her doctor. Having a child wrecks the hormones sometimes, not to mention being touched out.
Post partum could be to blame, the physical and mental changes are huge so maybe see a counselor. So many things go unnoticed and “mom needs to do everything” people have a hard time understanding that moms get tired and dad’s do too but mothers often feel like they have to hide their feelings and keep on keeping on when In reality she needs a break and a real one and she needs to feel supported in that break or it doesn’t matter. If her mind and her body are not at Peace together in this break, it is not a break. This isn’t your fault, this isn’t her fault, there is something or somethings somewhere that need to be addressed and in a different way.
Maybe a therapist for both or one or separate.
Maybe a babysitter for an evening.
Maybe a few dates, home and out.
Do opposite chores, does she normally clean and you do dishes? What about switching?
You are just as important too!
Her hormones could be messed up, I once heard that your body doesn’t go back to normal for 2 years after having a baby.
Dont disregard your needs and feelings, and don’t disregard hers.
Find a way to try and pin point things, it’s nobodies fault but it’s your family suffering, and
your feelings are valid. Her feelings are valid.
Lyndz Essy. Have a read
2 years is nuts! I’m a mom of 5, been through plenty of dry spells due to my personal issues, not his. This is not normal. Period. Many of us don’t feel like it but just go for it anyway. Sometimes we fake it for the sake of our partner. But is absolutely unusual to not want it at all, or not cave for the sake of the marriage in 2 years. Please tell me she atleast has seen a doc or therapist about this? I would insist!
Hormones change ALOT after pregnancy and caring for a child can severely affect those hormones after birth as well. Sex drive is a common thing to be affected. Childbirth and child care can make your sex drive plummet. Please speak to her about how you’re feeling and your concerns. Try to spice things up a little bit. Find a babysitter and set up a weekend for just the 2 of you to “rediscover” yourselves. She may also be afraid of pregnancy again so soon after birth, or also afraid of what sex after child birth may feel like. It’s like losing your virginity again and for some it’s quite painful. Do your best to communicate with her about how your feeling and try to come to a resolution.
She probably doesn’t feel attractive anymore and is probably exhausted. Why not plan a surprise date night, have someone you trust to watch the baby, wine and dine her, etc. If that doesn’t work then she needs to see a doctor cause she could have post partum depression
She maybe having hormonal issues she needs to see a doctor because the bigger problem with hormonal issues isnt the lack of sex but the possible development of cancer
Postnatal depression can have am effect on sex drive etc.
Has she not been at all concerned about feeling this way?
Shes getting the d elsewhere…time to find a side chick for yourself
A lot of women lose there sex drive after having kids. I did for like 3.5 yrs also if she takes any kind of meds some of them do that also
I haven’t been intimate in about 3 years. I have PTSD from my pregnancy and giving birth. I know it’s hard on you, but trust me it is harder on her. Just give her your full support and offer to find her some help. Don’t pressure her into anything.
Massages, play with her hair, cook dinner, clean, help with Bub, butter her up, tell her you love her, be romantic, buy her flowers, jewellery, these are some of the things I like but in other words do the things that you know she likes. She could be just tied and sick of the same old… so be different. Or just Communicate.
Coming from a woman who has had three children, I think you need to maybe sit down and talk with her and ask her about how she feels… please do not make it about you. She could be going through postpartum depression and when you are going through it postpartum depression or even the blues, and yes it can even happen this far postpartum as postpartum depression can manifest itself even 2 years postpartum, you just don’t get into it the same things that you used to. She may not want to tell you that but like I said she is likely feeling very down about herself, have you ever said anything to her about her baby weight or anything like that? I’m not accusing you but I am curious about that
Wow I can’t believe the amount of men on here saying that she’s cheating or is a narcissist, etc this is absolutely ridiculous you all try going through 9 months of pregnancy and postpartum and taking care of a baby all of the time and see what you feel like and don’t feel like doing… you get that postpartum depression and see how you feel, the amount of insensitivity in these comments is atrocious
Have her doctor give her a complete check up - That is way too long for postpartum - there may be physical problems contributing to overwhelming care of a baby.
My question would be is she even trying to get help to figure out why she suddenly doesn’t want it anymore? If she’s not even trying then f**k that! PTSD, postpartum, hormonal issues, or whatever else it could be would take patience and understanding but if she’s not trying to do anything about it then it’s time to have a “come to Jesus” with her about how you each see your future going. Maybe she really is struggling or maybe she’s always been asexual and now that she has what she wants, baby, she doesn’t feel the need to keep pretending. Either way it’s extremely unfair to leave her spouse in a shocked state of limbo wondering why she’s not attracted to him anymore. As a matter of fact, I’d call that cruel! We made it maybe 3 Mo with my SO doing that before I had a meltdown and he finally told me what was up! I was pissed he made me wait that long for an explanation so I can’t even imagine 2 years of that crap!
Depends on how she gave birth
Maybe talk you your wife as to why it’s her ? being pregnant and giving birth takes allot of mental and physical health … so instead of complaing try to figure out what’s wrong
Look up love languages. Have a discussion that is open and honest with her. Sometimes women lose their libido after a child and while normal maybe she’s got concerns that she may not realize that need to be addressed by a doctor. Try to be honest and open but know sometimes women don’t know when they are having hormonal issues that make them lack the drive for intimacy until someone who cares talks about it. It’s ok to be frustrated about it. But approaching from a position of love and care will go a long way.
To the writer. I dunno it’s a love thing at all really to have sex it’s a benefit of being with someone but not mandatory shouldn’t have to talk about it at all and wait and if she is cheating or what not it’s on her then I guess and u don’t look like shit… she does… think about future and kids don’t fuck up now and she’s really just baby blues to the max and can’t do it atm be happy u have a wife there u ungrateful fuvk lol I’ve gone without sex for months I ain’t over here crying it ducks but oh well get over it still love my gf like never before infind u to be a peice of shit bro seriously. Use ur fucking hand they have hustler for a reason fuck sue em later for degenerative bone disease later but 9nly watch hustler 
I think you have a serious problem on your hands…if you have sat down and talked with her why she is feeling like this and you aren’t getting any answers then you need to strongly suggest that she needs to see a therapist…it could be hormones or whatever and this is not normal…or even talk to a doctor yourself
Okay I have to say this! My baby just turned one and her father and I split up a couple months back, I was NEVER in the mood for anything sexual after having the baby because of my birth control they stuck me on, if your wife is on birth control see if she will talk to her obgyn about switching
He says they have not had sex since conception not after birth. I’m not sure what the problem is but it’s not post partum
I have no advice. Just that its a terrible feeling
Talk your wife into going to the doctors, it’s not normal to not want sex for this long ,doctors can help women who go though this
I understand where your wife is coming from!!
After I had my 1st child, my sex drive wasn’t much…
It’s something is women feel, everyone is different…
Some woman don’t feel connect to their bodies after birth. While others do!!
It’s something some men struggle to understand…
Life changes a lot once kids are present.
Get the book Marriage on the Risk by Roger Morris.
She could be afraid of getting pregnant again. Depending on how she had the baby and how much pain she was in afterwards, might have changed her mind about the whole thing.
Talk to your wife. Barring medical complications, we as wives have a responsibility to attempt to be healthy in that department. Do not force her to have sex as that will become a totally separate issue and not only will she feel disgusted and used, but resentment will set in and she’ll mentally check out. Have her talk to a therapist. I have chronic depression and anxiety and have found that after a numerous amount of therapies, over the counter pills, and lots of reading, a glass of red wine does the trick. Now you don’t want your wife to have to get tipsy to want to be with you so this is a temporary band aide. Be understanding and assertive when expressing your feelings and needs, but don’t be demanding. Also, set up mental notes. What days is she most relaxed and less stressed? That’s when I’d try.
So… After I gave birth to my first, I didn’t want sex for a long time… Almost a year.
Do yourself a favor, hire a sitter and take her on a date. Not a romantic one but one where y’all can talk and get to know each other again.
She’s probably feeling ugly with her new body, doesn’t want you to see how it’s changed and is afraid you won’t love her anymore once you do.
These are the things I can think of
She has lost partum depression and needs to seek help from her obgyn
She is exhausted and touched out from caring for a child and family throughout the day and needs your help to do those things
But unless she’s open to have a conversation past “it’s not you it’s me” it won’t get better.
I know after labor I’m 2020 I wasn’t feeling myself; there’s lots of chances to get used to. Try building her confidence and continue to woo her. It’s bound to happen so be patient and remind her how amazing she is (also take proper birth control measures that may be a concern for her).
After my first my sex drive was nonexistent. I was traumatized from the birth. With time it can back. I also felt very insecure about my body
Maybe that’s part of why “it’s her”?
After i had my first, my sex drive went right out the window and has never returned like it was and i used to want it multiple times a day. She needs to speak with a dr but could be embarrassed. Find out what the issues are for her body wise, might not be something she can control. Also may have issues with self image
You can be intimate without having sex. She probably doesn’t feel like herself after having a kid. Be an adult and have a proper conversation about about it and don’t play the victim card. It is not being done intentionally
I’m the same way. Half way through pregnancy my sex drive shut off, and my daughter is 2.5 and I still have no sex drive. 
doctors just say it’s hormones and I’m on B.C. (birth control) and it’s a hormonal one, BUT I don’t want to have another baby at this time and can’t come off BC because of that. It’s a real fucking struggle being a goddamn woman.
If anything at all, be respectful towards her.
Could be ppd- which can make you resent your spouse also.
Your partner may need medical attention. Could be hormonal changes
Could be a number of reasons such as postnatal depression/anxiety, not feeling supported, feeling touched out and overwhelmed with parenting and keeping house. Making sure she’s supported and helping around the house and with the baby would be my first suggestion and definitely suggest couples counselling as well. Not saying you’re not being helpful and supportive but it’s pretty common unfortunately. Also, does she get any time for just her or is she constantly organising everything and everyone…there’s a lot going on in mums heads.
Go get counseling for both of you and medication for her!
Date her again, whisk her of her feet, make her feel special. She could be suffering with postnatal Depression. X