How would you address this situation? I have a 4-year-old son. Since he was very small, we have been very open about emotions… naming them, processing them, and finding ways to cope with different emotions. I am proud that my son can come to me and say, “I’m mad.” Or “I’m jealous.” Or “I’m sad.” <— 90% of the time. The other 10%, we work through the tantrum/meltdown together. I want him to know that it is okay to have feelings, and there are good and bad ways to deal with feelings. Last week at my in-law’s house, my son was having an emotional day. It was before mealtime (so he was hungry), he didn’t get a nap (so he was tired), all sorts of factors. My FIL kept saying things like: “You are a boy! And boys don’t cry!” “When your dad was small, he learned to not cry because he was a man.” “You have to be strong and not cry.” I sat back and didn’t say anything; I was so sad for my son. I wish I would have said something, but I was in shock, and I didn’t know what to say, aside from “F*** off.” And that wouldn’t have gone over well. My in-laws are from a culture where it is disrespectful to speak up against the older generation. I don’t want my son to ever think he has to be an “emotionless male.” What can I say/do the next time this happens and still keep the peace? Is that possible?
Awww, that’s not okay. You just need to flat out tell them you wouldn’t say that to your child so it isn’t okay for them to say it and if they do not listen, don’t go over so often.
Speak up. It doesn’t matter what generation they are from.
Tell them not to disrespect your child like that. If they don’t listen and your husband won’t do anything keep him away from them until they treat him right.
Tell them he’s allowed to have all the emotions and not to come at your kid like that.
With the cultural background of the parents, I’d take them aside with your spouse and let them know that those type of comments are not appreciated nor acceptable.
I don’t think reacting in the moment would help because then its a pride issue in front of everyone and how dare you speak against them. Its obvious though that you want to respect them but they need to respect you and your spouse as well and that includes how you raise your children.
If they keep making comments then some distance may be best.
Feelings are not masculine or feminine, they are natural
Excuse me but he’s 4! He is a CHILD! Children are emotional and they’re gonna cry! My 8 year old cries for everything and that’s ok! Boys are allowed to cry!
I understand they come from that culture, but you’re a person too and so is your son. You are allowed to voice your opinions just like your FIL felt that he had a right to overstep. Like you said, your son is expressive of his feelings and has every right to do so. If anything, teaching him to acknowledge and address his emotions is soooo important and valuable! So kudos to you for raising a child who knows it’s okay to express himself 
Next time speak up and say fuck off.
Definitely agree with Tina Charnley, take them aside when you have your emotions together and put it out on the table. They need to respect how you and your spouse decided to raise your child(ren).
Good job, mama! Keep teaching your boy how to handle each emotion and that they are okay.
Your spouse needs to set them straight. Never be afraid to tell someone to FUCK OFF when it comes to your child.
You have to speak up - otherwise your son is going to be confused, especially if you are in the room and hearing it.
Punch them in the face and yell at them if they cry.
I’m sorry, that’s terrible advice.
Tell them to suck it! 
It’s your child and you can raise him with a full range of emotions like a kind caring loving human being should! Sorry you’re going thru this!
I would ask to speak them when son is not around and explain it just as you have in this post . Tell them this is the way want it addressed in the future and would appreciate grandma and grandpa’s support. Then see how it goes , then if you must use the my child my rules card do it but hopefully they will respect your wishes and remind them that respecting your wishes doesn’t mean they have to completely agree.
“That is how you chose to raise your child(ren) but that is not how we are raising ours. He’s being taught to recognize and work through his emotions and insert husbands name and I would appreciate if you could respect that”
Stand up for your child.There is nothing wrong with having emotions,especially as a child
Fuck culture and the toxic stigma that it creates. My sisters husband would call my son a tittit, titbag, sissy, and make fun of him because he has a binky at 3. Needless to say, I haven’t spoken or seen my sister and her husband in almost 3 years cause I don’t play that abusive bullshit. You make my son feel worthless for having feelings? You gonna feel 2 inches tall I don’t give a F if you an elder or not.
“People, including children, have feelings. He is allowed to express his. Please stop telling him that he cannot cry because he is a boy, that is very old thinking and we aren’t raising him that way”
Next time they say something like that I’d respectfully say “I’m choosing to raise my son to know that it is okay to feel his emotions and express them in a healthy way. Crying isn’t unmanly and I’d really appreciate it if you would not say things like that to him” my fiancé’s step dad used to say things like that. Or call my son a sissy if he was playing with “girl” toys. In my opinion you have to stand up for your son and your parenting in front of your son so he knows you will defend him when someone is saying hurtful things
Print out the stats of male suicide, roll it up and bonk him on the head with it! 
Kidding… kinda.
Personally… I would of cut him off mid sentence and told him to mind his words/ not undermine me as a parent. If he cracked up or continued, I’d remove myself and child from the situation and probably keep my distance until they showed a bit more respect towards me and my child.
Honestly, the severity of my response would depend how things were at the time and if my head was level lol… If there was other frustration and stress surrounding the situation, I’d let it be known I wasn’t impressed but still remove you and bub from the situation… If I’m making a conscious effort not to be a prick, I’d just up and go without saying anything… Might seem rude to some, but I’d rather seem rude and walk away than stay and retaliate in a bad way.
“In our family we are free express our all of our emotions in a safe way. This helps us recognize what we are feeling and helps us to teach/ learn how to properly process them. I would appreciate if you could respect that as it shows he/she/that they are in a safe loving place where their feelings and wellbeing matters”
I don’t care what your/their culture says, defend your son. Your in-laws views are dated and HARMFUL. Your child’s mental health is more important than your in-laws egocentric cultural views!!
I’d probably not confront them at all. I’d speak to my son in front of them. "It’s ok to cry but let’s figure out what’s going on. Are you hurt? Are you sad?"etc. That way they see and hear how you talk to your son and what is acceptable for him.
This is a tough situation. As someone who was brought up in a similar way, I must say it was very respectful of you to consider that different, generational mindset and to not correct your FIL in front of your child. That being said, this doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the same respect in return. As your child’s #1 advocate, the hard truth is that you (really preferably your husband) are going to have to speak up. Pull the in-laws aside and out of earshot of the child and explain that this isn’t how you are raising your son and that it’s important to you, even though you understand it’s different than the way they raised their own children. Hopefully, your FIL will respect your wishes even if he doesn’t agree. Otherwise, you’ve done all you can to be respectful and from there on out- you stand up for your little family and you correct FIL in front of your child if he continues to say these things. Best of luck.
Tell them to stop?
My thing is whining, hate it. But he’s allowed to cry.
Say it loud and proud every time they say it. Say yes you can! Humans have emotions and its good to express them and let them out!
Feel free to express them even In tears sometimes.
Telling kids to keep in in is not emotionally healthy.
Let your husband talk to his parents.
I say if they continue to do/say stuff like that speak up. Break the cycle of toxicity. They raised their son how they wanted and you choose to raise your son how you want. Continue verbalizing with your son that it IS okay to have feelings, it is okay to cry, etc. They can shove their outdated opinion right up their tush 
How about telling them it’s 2021 not 1957?
Read the first part to my husband and he said “boys cry too”
He’s 4. 4 year olds cry! I work retail I see 7 and 8 year old boys cry when mom says no. People are allowed to have emotions
Ugh people that do that are SO annoying! I hope you’re able to find a solution…
Say " No offense or disrespect but please refrain from telling my son that he’s not allowed to cry based on his gender. Everyone has emotions and he’s allowed to feel them and express them just like everyone else is."
“He’s allowed to cry. He’s human and it’s a human emotion. Boys and girls both need to experience they’re emotions.”
Advocate for Your Son. That’s his generation and opinion, stand up for yours. Hate to say it but I have to do it constantly against my “relatives”, but I Never regret doing it. My son will remember I stood up for him. So will yours.
I come from a Mexican culture that has those thoughts. I stand up for my boys. For elders to get respect they have to earn respect. I broke alot of traditions in my culture. I’m happier that way. I learned boundaries close to age 50.
If you feel like speaking up would be met with opposition, then I would use gentle parenting sportscasting techniques on your child… it’s a passive aggressive tactic that can help your FIL to have some empathy or understanding in the situation and still gets the message across that it won’t be tolerated. “I can see that coming here has thrown you off your regular routine and now you’re tired and hungry. You don’t have to listen to grandpa, it’s ok to cry…etc”
I would personally not feel comfortable having a FIL like that alone with my child either.
I’d say this “In our family it’s ok to cry/ have emotions. If your uncomfortable with them then keep it to yourself. This is my son and if he needs to cry he can. You can not and will not tell him otherwise. If you want to express your opinions do it to me or my husband…NOT my child. If you can not respect this then we will have to put you on a time out until you can understand that 1: this is not your child, 2: this is my family,and 3: men cry too.” But jeez he’s a kid let him cry if he has to cry. Not to say men can’t. 
This is something you HAVE to speak up on. You aren’t being disrespectful they are.
You need to speak up. All humans have emotion it’s ridiculous that boys shouldn’t cry when they become emotional then he’s just going to bottle everything up and potentially release it in other ways, anger etc
I there’s a happy medium for expressing emotions. Boys and girls. People are so weird. Lol
Next time stand up speak up
Let your inlaw know that how you feel about them say such things to a child
I would respond with “well maybe when daddy was little thats the way they did things, but today we need are young men to be more in touch with their emotions” xxx
I only read the first sentence… no need to read anything else to tell you to NIP IT IN THE BUTT ASAP!!! These are the boys who grow up to be emotionless men!!!
that is so wrong i woulld b telling them things have changed since daddy was a boy and if he wants to cry so b it
Yes, take them aside in private sometime with your husband and explain to them together that that’s kind of an old fashioned way of thinking, and you know they keep up with the times and the latest information. Maybe that’s why they or their forebears left the “old country” in the first place—play up their bravery and adventurousness in seeking this “new world” and all it has to offer. Commend them for embracing change and adapting to a new environment.
Then show them an article/research that supports your position and why the old way of thinking was actually harmful. See if you can find an analogy between something they found bad and old fashioned and how they have embraced a new way of thinking (courtship? Women being educated/having careers/driving cars? Flying on planes and thinking nothing of it, Zoom meetings or buying ready-made foods vs. going to the farm and/or making them from scratch? IVF or even trying new foods they now like? ) Bonus if husband can think of something his grandparents would say about “Back in MY day…” that made his parents roll their eyes.
Tell them just like they have adapted to using smart phones, computers, ATMs and sending emails/texts, and just how medicine has evolved with laser and robotic surgery, new drugs and new techniques as research has continued so too has child rearing. Especially point out if they have benefitted from newer medical stuff like bypass surgery, laser eye surgery, stents, pacemakers, joint surgery, taking supplements to ward off arthritis/osteoporosis/dementia/aging in general, and how this new thinking is beneficial like that.
Let them know you’re excited to share the latest research with them because they’re so modern/progressive/intelligent/caring—whatever flattery you can muster. Ask them to do their own research if they want, and to feel free to discuss it with you both. Ask your husband, then father in law if there are appropriate times for men to cry, and if they would love their son/husband any less if they saw him cry. Is there a movie that makes your father in law tear up? The standard for American guys used to be “Brian’s Song.” Only do this if you think it might be helpful vs. devolving into an argument.
Stress that you and your husband are raising your son this way, and if they don’t agree, if they should just not say anything. You will likely have to remind them several times. If it persists or they cling to their old-fashioned ways, let them know you will have to limit their time with their grandson because they cannot abide by your clearly stated wishes and the latest scholarship, and their behavior is being harmful to your child’s development.
Bonus points if you can convince other relatives to casually slip your point of view into conversation with the in-laws, (FIL: “Boys don’t cry.” Relative: “Of COURSE boys cry! Don’t be so silly/old fashioned/behind the times.”—whatever description will get to him the most) especially someone of their generation.
Good luck. I never understood how people could tell kids not to cry. It’s so awful. Bravo to you for being great parents to your little boy.
Tell them your son isn’t a robot 
and he’s allowed to express himself. Especially at age 4. My son is about to be 7 and throws temper tantrums and cries often.
My husband tries to do that with our 3yr old son but I usually end up scooping him up and comforting him. He’s my 4th child and only boy so I know I probably baby him more than I should but I don’t really give a shit 
he’s my baby boy and always will be! However, I do like that he has a strong male role model to toughen him up, but I’ll always be there to comfort him.
You need to speak up for your son as he will be so confused you telling him one thing then them telling him something different in front of you and you not saying anything. My son has always been told it takes a bigger man to show his emotions and if a man cry’s that’s just as fine as a woman crying because we are all human with feelings. This mindset of men should not cry really baffles me.
Tell him he should stop speaking because that is what grandparents should fo
Just tell him immediately after they’ve said that “its ok to cry” I can’t be bothered with the whole confrontation as its usually in one ear out the other followed with eye rolls to the nearest family member… just speak to your child straight after he will listen to his mother more.
I think saying something when both the FIL and your son are present is important. You don’t want to take him away and speak to them separately where he may feel like its one thing when his pop is there and another when he’s not.
Also remembering the FIL likely isn’t trying to be cruel. This is most likely what his upbringing was like.
So I would say,
We encourage him to be able to regulate and express his emotions instead of suppressing them.
Then address your son… pop means well. Dont dwell on that too much. That’s something his dad told him a long time ago when he was young but we know now pretending things don’t upset you doesn’t help anyone son.
Speak up. It’s your child!
I tell those ppl to leave my son alone. If he wants to cry he will cry. They can deal with it or not be in his life. 
Screw what they think or how it’ll go over. Defend your child. Tell them that he’s your child and you’d rather express how he feels then hold it in because he shouldn’t have to male or not. Tell them exactly that “fuc* off”!
I’ll disrespect anyone, elder or not over my child!
Tell them to mind their business, and stop saying that to him.
Um your kid comes first so screw their culture.
Children are human too. Let him cry! Adults are allowed to show their emotions, children can too.
“Fuck off” 
Works for me.
Stop taking your son over and when they complain and cry about it say “sorry, we’re teaching our son how to process emotions but y’all are grown and uh ‘grown ups don’t cry’”
no. and your son’s emotional health is more important than their feelings. speak to them quietly before you see them and ask them, even if they disagree, to respect your decisions. if they don’t then take a step back from them. your husband should be 100% in your corner.
I don’t care what generation they are from if it’s you raising your kid. If you want to raise him to have emotions then you have to stand up for them when someone else takes them away too. I hope you had a conversation with him after.
I’m not sure what you would say but I would let them know that you don’t want your son growing up to be emotionless. They wrong for that because there’s nothing wrong with a male crying or showing emotion in my book!!! You can do that and still be respectful
Step up just because they are culturally different doesn’t make it okay. Just because that’s how they were raised doesn’t mean it’s right.
Prob not any way to "keep the peace " because they chose to interfere and belittle your son.
I would reinforce with your son that feelings are allowed and ok and being strong is in showing them. The in-laws can fro
My husband cried like a baby when his sister was dying and even when my mother died. Emotionless make my foot!
Don’t call them out in front of your son, because that would be disrespectful and cause even more problems for your son. Get them alone and explain to them that you’re raising your son differently, and if they want to continue being a part of his life, they’ll need to stop saying those things. They mean nothing by it. That is the way people were raised in older generations. Don’t disrespect them just bc they see things differently, but don’t let them be toxic to your son either.
Well THEY are from that culture, not you.
Teach him to tell his grandfather that “real men cry” when he says that to him
Definitely address it as it happens if it happens again. In the meantime, reassure your son that grandpa was wrong to tell him that and it’s healthy to show his emotions
Something similar happened to me with my 19month old boy this weekend. A couple friends came over, my son was crying and one friend said “men don’t cry” and I was shocked his wife actually smacked him in the back of the head and proceeded to chew him out bad. So I didn’t get a chance to say anything. But you need to tell your husband and his family that, they need to stop telling him that and if they can’t do that then I’d limit their access to your child.
Yes given that it is clear what you value in raising your boy, I would suspect that this very pointed counter view albeit ‘traditional’ may well be a here I stand expression of values. Generational too.
I would at some stage recNMoncile this difference first with your partner perhaps then with the father.
" This generation, this culture do not practise that any more" with a smile.
Confirm with your son that it is OK to cry etc and that FIL came from a different place and time.
My mother said this and I shut that shit down right away. Bad blood or no, I’m not raising emotionally constipated kids.
You tell them to mind their own damn business.
Just simply say " if you need to cry go right ahead" and if they try some shit just get up and leave. No need to make a fight or arguement. Yours is the last word besides his father. You are raising him not them. You are his parent, not them. Too many people parent children who aren’t there’s and that’s up to you if you’re comfortable with it which sounds like you’re not. Not worth a fight. It also teaches your son that your FIL has authority over you. Which he doesn’t.
If he can’t express his emotions, or process them somehow, he will express them thru physical means…and that won’t be “pretty”.
I would explain to your son that grandma and grandpa came from a different time and it is okay now for boys to express their emotions. Your in laws won’t be the last to push this agenda. Teaching him to mentally process it in this way will give him better coping mechanisms for when he is older. Also teach him that not everyone will agree with the way you feel, but that does not make those feelings invalid. You’re doing a good job.
What I would say wouldn’t be very nice at all.
I would say “f*** off, he is only 4, he can cry if he wants to” they also came from a generation where it was acceptable to beat your wife for not having dinner on the table. Times change, you don’t owe them anything.
No mam, you tell your FOUR YEAR OLD that everyone cry’s…and tell your husb this is where that generational bullshit ends…lol…I’m fekn 38 and still get hangry and cry…my son is 11 and I’d never let anyone tell him he’s not man enough or going to be one because he’s got feels…he’s fkn human and at four you don’t know enough words or how to process emotions in ways other than the main cry laugh or mad feels…
Tell them that they raised their own child already. How you raise yours is none of their business!
Perfect example to show him adults can be wrong. Anything with eyes is allowed to cry.
To “keep the peace” and not disrespect I would talk with them with my husband when everyone is relaxed, noy when you are upset, and it may not matter because most of us are not willing to change things we have always believed. I would explain to my child, on his age level, that those grandparents have different beliefs (which is ok! we should all know it’s ok to disagree with each other’s beliefs and still be able to love each other) and that you are raising him to express himself because you (and his dad i assume) feel that is the right thing and if grandpa says something about it, tell grandpa that ‘mom/dad said it is ok and to talk to them’.
Is your husband an emotionless male? Just curious.
Next time you stand up for ur son. No matter who it pisses off🤷🏻♀️
That sexism is why men are so violent and can’t understand their own emotions.
Crying is your bodies way of releasing pint up emotions.
Refusing to cry and holding it in can cause violent and angry outburst.
Crying is HEALTHY.
Tell your FIL to man up and get in touch with his emotions instead of being afraid of them
You know what to do. Say no disrespect but this is how I’m raising MY son. It’s not 1950s anymore dry if they feel offended. It’s your son you can say what you want and dont let them contradict all your hard work raising him right
In their faces as they’re telling him, say "actually son, crying is a very healthy way to let out emotions you might not understand. It’s also a stress reliever and you feel 100 xs better afterwards, just make sure to drink lots of water so you don’t get a headache "
Real men cry and we are teaching our son that emotions are ok and communication is important to being ba real man. Please keep your opinions on what a real man is when is comes to my son. Thank you.
No room for a comeback or debate. That’s how I deal with my father and old old shitty views.
Your first Instinct is usually the correct one! F@ck @ff clearly is what you should say! I don’t speak to my in laws at all. I tell them frequently that I’m under zero obligation to consider their feelings on anything, I’m the parent.
Tell them to shut the fuck up, you’re his mama and no one else!
Uhh… that’s your son. Speak up.
Tell him to stfu!! Fuck his feelings! After all in his head boys dont cry right?! It’s your son you raise him like you want to and if someone doesn’t like it they don’t need to be around
Pull them aside. No matter how they feel, they need to respect your parenting decisions.
Should have told them to fuck off. Screw their culture. It is your son not theirs
Tell them to go duck themselves
Your child’s mental health comes before your in laws opinions. There’s no way I could have stayed quiet. I’d make it VERY clear next time that we don’t subscribe to that outdated way of thinking. Your son is a human being with emotions. Who is the FIL to tell him not to cry? NO. I’d make my position extremely clear on that one. No way around that.