My husbands bio dad passed away. This man’s life long partner didn’t know he had a kid at all (I.e. my husband). Since he passed due to health issues we want to say something to her and the only way to do so is by explaining who my husband is to his bio dad. We just want to know medical history for the sake of our kids an my husband.We just don’t know when to say something or exactly how to say it. Bc this will not only expose his bio dad for having a kid an not telling but also that he had cheated on her as well. This is over 41 years ago this happened.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should we do?
I wouldn’t tell her who your husband is to his bio dad.
It will just hurt her even more and make her doubt in the relationship they had.
Just give condolences and say that your husband’s mom knew his bio dad from when they were younger and that’s how he knows his bio dad.
The woman just lost her long time partner and you guys want to make it harder and painful, like she is going to give you the information you want
Happens all the time. ASK she ll get over it.
I’d definitely have DNA proof if you plan to tell her who he is. Otherwise, what’s the point? Y’all use medical history as an excuse. It’s really not that big of a deal.
Leave it alone for now she’s just lost her husband like this should have been Brought up years ago why now when he’s not here to explain himself… it will do more harm than good
Why not ask an actual bio relative?
Why was bio dad not asked about his own medical and family history?
She just lost her partner why kick her while she’s down?
If you don’t sit tf down. This is ridiculous!
You had 41 years to contact HIM for any reasons. Your husband chose not to.
Leave his widow alone
I think it will not settle well with him, you can tell her after the burial. It will be painful but they can both come to terms with it. It will eat at your husband forever.
Should he not have asked his bio dad when he was alive instead of waiting for his death and then ruining his wife’s views on her whole relationship when she’s grieving. I would leave it now if it wasn’t important to your husband before then it’s not important now.
Maybe just have him do one of those DNA test things (23 and me or whatever they’re called), and/or an ancestry tree thing, and hope a family member that is willing to talk reaches out? Idk, this is very hard, on one hand I get your concerns about medical history. On the other, there are new ways to screen for things that you may not know about in your family history, and it’s been a lifetime already…
I would just do a 23andme with the health screen and be done with it, leave her alone
I bet she already know . Not like today people put business out all over… I’m sure she will truly understand
You’re very considerate & kind but you need to think about your kids. I’m curious as to why it’s taken so long to bring this up but maybe you only found out recently too. Sorry… Best wishes to you & your husband… Such a dilemma
Don’t do that to her. If he has health problems they will test him.
Why are so many people concerned with the wife grief of her cheating lying husband but not the abandoned child?!
This should have been done years ago, not now. Don’t make her grief even bigger. If your husband knows the cause of death he can speak to a doctor about any concerns.
Ur husband deserves to know where he omes from what dba he shares with his dad etc not only for his health but for your children aswell . Maybe let her get over the grief before lunging at her with a million questions.
By the way, this happened in my family. I would have been better left alone, it caused a lot of pain.
Why didn’t your husband ask for the medical history directly to his bio dad while he was alive? Why wait till he is dead to become curious about it?
Think it comes down to did he have a relationship with his son
If your his bio child, ask the drs who treated him. Explain the situation, there maybe a way to help you get that info. Drs tell the patient’s family results and reasonings of illnesses , you are his immediate family regardless of relationship
Leave her alone. You should have asked your questions before the old boy passed.
I’m on the fence with this one… a child well now man went without his father becoz he did wrong n got another girl pregnant a child shouldn’t be excluded I’ll be treated like they’re non-existent because you chose to cheat he should have still up and being a man and being true about everything with everyone…but then a wife has just lost her husband who she loved dearly n the last thing a grieving wife needs is to find out the her husband deceived her in there marriage and had a Love Child that would just absolutely devastate her well I don’t know but I’m sure it was so should you say something shouldn’t you I think there’s any to be a lot of thought into this because it probably will open some serious floodgates on both sides
He should do 23 and me or something he may have other siblings his dad was also hiding
I would just tell her and ask for the info. What is she going to do at this point but get over it. Or try to find one of his siblings. They might want a relationship with your husband.
Why didn’t he ask bio dad these very questions years ago?
Ask a family friend to ask at the bio dads funeral. This means the wife never knows he cheated and doesn’t upset her. She’s lost her life partner and your hubby never had a dad anyways.
There are genetic tests that will be more accurate than any history that can be provided by the widow. He lied about having a son, what else has he lied to her about.
Let it go and leave her alone. If you were truly interested in medical info you would have contacted him years ago.
23 and me had a health version. Maybe it will work for you. BTW… if I was the wife I would want to know
Why would you do that??? Obviously you didn’t see the bio dad when he was alive why f$&k things up for others that’s so selfish of you to even think about going to her think of her feelings and her family you had 41 years to what you pleased now your time is out leave it at taht
Oh I’d be taking my share of the estate. Bio kid gets that.
Her reaction is not his problem.
I wouldn’t say anything tbh. Should have been said before he passed. Maybe ask someone else in the family for that info?
It’s a hard one, but that’s just what I’d do. It would be so painful for her and he’s not here any more to explain
Sounds more like you’re itching to expose him rather than medical history. Do what you like it’s your karma
Any medical history could have been asked at any point, the only reason people usually get involved after death is for financial gain. There is no reason to ruin a woman’s life now, especially after just losing her husband.
But if you really feel the need to drag it all up now for no other reason than selfishness, karma will do it’s thing.
Wow everyone saying leave it if I was hur I’d want to no he obviously did it more than once to have a kid (ur husband) an not urs or ur husbands fault also abandoned the child to hide his dirty lil secret no way I say reach out to hur poor lady
Many dont know their bio parents and get on just fine . Leave it she doesnt need the hurt. Why do that? Just because one parent has health issues doesnr mean their kids will, your son just has to be vigilante with his health and regular doc check.
There’s genetic testing you can do to see if there is anything in his genes medically. Not necessary to break the poor woman’s heart even more
Without proof he’s his bio dad, why say anything? And why all of a sudden, are you interested in medical history? Have him do a DNA test before he goes and says anything. You waited this long so wait for proof he’s his son. Doesn’t have to be brought up at his funeral.
Lmao y’all are so worried about the wife’s feelings what about the man who had to grow up without his bio dad because the dad stepped out of his marriage and was being a whore and couldn’t be honest about it? No one cares about OPs husbands feelings? So what if he wants money, it would be his RIGHT as the dead guys son to collect money after his death. It’s rightfully his. Hopefully y’all ask what y’all want to know and y’all also get his money too if any. The wife will be fine and I’d definitely want to know if it were me and my husband and he had a child somewhere else whether he’s passed or not.
There are other ways, if it’s absolutely necessary to know.
The man is dead. He won’t be the one suffering and questioning his entire life and marriage. Why do that to someone??? Medical after your husband has reached this age without that knowledge? To each his/her own in the end but you’re questioning doing this to this extent for a reason.
Just seems suspicious that you had all this time to tell her and you wait till his dad dies, then all of a sudden not knowing the dads medical background is an issue. Didn’t she deserve to know before? Just seems like you guys are trying to benefit from his death.
this seems like a shit show you’re trying to stir up… your husband had plenty of opportunity years ago to ask these type of questions.
leave that woman alone.
I would do a 23 and me test to see if your husband has siblings. Reach out to them. See if they will meet him and be apart of the family. Then you can ask those kinds of questions.
Your husband should of done it when he (“dad”)was alive, why do it now! To late. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it’s your place to say anything to the grieving wife. If your husband wanted his “Dad” in his life I’m sure he is more than capable on doing so. Obviously your meddling in something that you shouldn’t. Also, is there any proof? Sorry Not Sorry but this is something your husband should handled when the man was alive. Please don’t use the children for your personal gain.
Thus is tough as I myself am stuck with a child such as ur husband is in this situation but she has a daddy that’s been there since day 1 as we got together a couple weeks before I found out I was pregnant so we don’t plan to tell her at all but she stands to inherit quiet a bit once he passes…although money means nothing I do know for sure she has at least a big sister who may want to get to know her & that’s what’s got me torn on keeping it from her
but something about this screams there’s a bigger reason you waited until the man died… sounds like a money grabber thing that you think you’re entitled to.
i just watched this play out in my town, similar situation & it didn’t work out the way the outside kid thought it would. should just left well enough alone.
Why worry about it now he’s passed all this should have been done while he was alive
That would break her heart don’t say anything. Why didn’t you do i before he passed?
Just do genetic testing it’s not a know all but it’s better than kicking a grieving widow why she’s already hurting
So your husband has had 41 years on this earth & waits until his bio dad dies to want to know his medical history? Yeah… I’m sensing an ulterior motive here. Don’t kick that poor woman while she’s down & lost what I’m sure was the love of her life.
Completely selfish and unnecessary
Put your hands back in your pockets and walk away
She might welcome him as he is an extension of her life long partner. Ignorance is bliss but your husband also deserves to handle it any way he chooses if it helps him heal. He may have siblings by this adulterous man.
It would be nice to know his medical history, ethnic background and such, but I don’t think it’s necessary to put her through any more distress than she’s already going through. If you want to know possible medical issues, go through a DNA service like 23 and Me. Yes, I know it costs $190. But I had to do that because my bio mother would not provide me with any info about my bio father. Through that, you can get ethnic background and other information. Yes, it costs money, but it’s a small price to pay for not destroying that lady’s world any more than it already has been.
Plot twist the wife probably knows, 41 years is a long time to keep a secret. I’d wait til after the funeral but peoples secrets end with they die the truth always comes out. If she doesn’t know I’d want to if I were her.
Please don’t do that to his poor grieving widow! There’s just no point in it. You don’t need to know your husband’s biological background for your kids that bad. There are other ways of achieving that anyhow. What do you think children of closed adoptions do?!
Did you have to wait until now?
I’m adopted and this sounds like a bucket of secrets.
Look, here’s my deal. Theres some guy out there that butted in 1984, has no clue. I’m going to get the Ancestry dna swab. No drama. Get his medical records.
Start with genetic testing
Try and locate (if possible) a birth certificate
Remember she is grieving as well
And she may not be very receptive
Give her some time to grieve
Then approach the subject with her
I get that you want to know his medical history
For your husband and your kids sake
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How do you know that the wife doesn’t know about the son. Forty one years is a long time to keep a secret. How do you know that the dad didn’t confess on his deathbed or tell the wife years ago about his son?
That’s incredibly insensitive.
And chances are if the dad knew, she knows.
The wife always knows.
Hmm there must be another reason because if wanting to know medical history is the reason, your husband would have asked a long time ago. Allow the woman time to grieve before springing it on her. I guess your husband really wants his share of his father’s estate. In that case I guess waiting to step forward may not be most prudent.
Keep out of touch!!!
I think you need to ask someone else a family member or you can tell doctors who he is and they might be able to look at his files and health history they just can’t tell you don’t put this woman through this its not fair at all she’s going through a lot
Perhaps the mother of said child didnt tell him.he does.need.medical history for some unseen tragedy. If they feel like they want to get to know each other great,if not walk away
No good will come from that and tons of people don’t know their parents medical history and grow up just fine…if that was such a concern why wait until he died to reach out?
Well regardless he waited 41 years it will still be painful for her and probably him also the birth certificate could be difficult if he never signed it however i would call an attorney before they burn him or bury him and see what dna can be used for further evidence. You’re not going after the estate (remember that when she is in full karen tantrum mode) you just have to have yours and your children and families health records as accurate as possible the dna can only help your case and u should start the process soon
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The time to handle that ended when his dad died. Hush.
Just find out who his physician was and go talk to them. Leave that lady alone. You’ve had plenty of time to reach out to him and didn’t and now you want to because of the convenience of his death. If the family health history meant that much to you you wouldn’t have waited until the man was dead. Sounds to me that you’re just like oh, well now that he’s dead do you think we should tell her?
Who cares if he lied to the whole world. His degeneracy isn’t his sons secret to keep. Stop pretending this is some big dramatic moment and go get the info he needs
Could just as if he had alot.of medical conditions. Without saying it’s his son. I understand wanting to know what might be getting passed down to the kids
Do not tell that woman now. Yall had 41 years to do so and NOW yall wanna say something? Smh. Get a copy of the death certificate do not tell that woman now. Smh. How selfish can you be?
It wasn’t important enough to bother the man while he was alive but its important enough to upend his grave? Sounds like yall jist like being the center of attention
Leave it alone and just play with genetics stuff DNA testers it can tell you the same thing health risk in all.
I would let it be. It’s been 41 years and she deserves some peace. She likely knows and to bring that up after his death is insensitive because she stayed with him after all these years. If you’re interested in it for health reasons there are companies such as 23 and and Me that you can have a DNA test done that will give you some insight on health markers, and with that information take that to your doctor. It doesn’t seem like you want a relationship with her, nor does your husband, so just let it be and have his DNA run through 23 and Me.
Red flag keep d lipzipped
Why bring it up now that he’s dead… He had 41 years to figure this medical history out…
Don’t do this to that wife … let her have her happy memories… do not taint those for her…
Sorry if this is insensitive to say but it comes across like you’re wanting assets/£££ of what he’s left behind. Nothing at all to do with medical history.
Nothing good will come out of bringing all of this up now, especially as he can’t speak for himself and you’ll all be left with a load of unanswered questions that you’ll never have the truth of.
Your partner is 41 years of age and has his own family, sounds like he’s done well without him this long so what’s really the point.
Why go after his grieving wife when she had no part in any of this. It isn’t fair
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Just contact her and get it over with. Give her space to process if she needs it. She might already know.
The truth is the truth no matter who it offends. She deserves to know, but I do wish you guys had mentioned it while her husband was still alive. The unanswered questions will certainly eat away at her once she knows ……
Medical history of his dad isn’t that important, leave that woman alone and quit making excuses to disrupt someone’s life.
You know what… tell her.
Because you know what… I have lived everyday wondering who my bio dad was an my son has congenital nystagmus, a brain abnormality and it does NOT come from my moms side
I finally found him after 25 years. Deadbeat like always but still it was good to get some type of closure along with it. Feeling like I never ever mattered. Guess what I also am very close to my half sister who is the same age as me only a few months apart! now because of i made it known also…
(He wasn’t there for either one of us)
so tell her… EVERYONE is saying spare her feelings but what about his ? What about this man’s feelings? Like he never mattered enough to be known about?
also for anyone saying it’s about money… I can certainly tell you if it’s he’s anything like me… I don’t want a red cent from him even if he was rich. I am who I am today because of ME! & I’ll be dammed if anyone is gonna say they contributed to that!
Also what if she already knows an had wanted her boys to grow up knowing there half brother but the father didn’t?
What if this is what she had been waiting for, for 40 something years but never could because the dad didn’t want too?
No one knows so no one has a right to down this man for wanting some closure too!
Sound like y’all honestly trying to get a piece of what he left behind. Because your husband at 41 years to get medical history before he died. You both sound really messy and petty… After all these years he want him presence known now
If he wanted to know medical history it should have been done ages ago. Not after the man passes away. That wife just lost her husband and she definitely doesn’t need to learn her dead husband had an affair or created a baby from that affair. She would never look at that man or the memories the same and it would be more heartbreaking than just losing him once.
Leave the poor woman alone.
You can find health stuff with dna testing
Not that expensive
Perhaps medical history wasn’t a concern until the man died of something possibly medically complex. So bio son wouldn’t know it would be important information until the death. Can’t undo that knowledge gap they need to know the medical history.
Wait a bit, but attempt to get medical history without disclosing the connection. You could create a story about something similar you’re experiencing with your parents and had hoped any insight on his condition could be helpful information as you navigate advocating for your imaginary sick person.
If she doesn’t respond well to that, then maybe you spill the beans.
I would do it in a letter. I wouldn’t do it right away tho. Give her a bit of time for grieving, so it’s not so raw.
It’s an unfortunate situation, but not yours to have to contend with, he made those choices and you have a right to know your medical history as it pertains to that side of your genetics.
Those telling you to keep his secret for him are too caught up in their own feelings and prefer the fantasy over reality. You have the right to know and do not deserve to carry any burden over what grown folks did/chose to do. Consequences have no time limit. Do what’s best for YOU! He left the mess, not you.
So, not exactly the same scenario but my father passed away 2 years ago. After his passing, we (my mother) started receiving phone calls at the house almost immediately. My dad’s “internet girlfriends” started calling. It got to the point, I had to answer because it was upsetting my mother so bad that she was already grieving as they’d been together 49 years the month after his passing, she stopped caring for herself. Had one lady threaten to come kick her out of her own home. So, it got to the point of my mother, the bubblistic, happy, always laughing to a person who never wanting the couch, not even to shower and crying everyday. It was heartbreaking. After I started answering the phone and started blocking people, my mother finally had some peace. She got a part time job and living life again. I saw this happiness that I haven’t seen in a very long time.
I say this to ask… why did it take your husband so long to come forward? Don’t wait until they’re grieving to come with anything of shock. You don’t know how they will take it and if they have anyone to help them with that shock. Luckily, my mother had me as I never left her side but not everyone has somebody being there for them. Did your husband and his father NOT have any type of relationship at all? If not, why bring your husband into his wife’s equation now? Just because you’re wanting his medical history doesn’t mean she will know. This should have been discussed with his dad a long time before his passing if you all truly wanted to know. Let that woman grieve and deal with health concerns as you go.
It’s been 41 years and he hasn’t known his bio dad’s medical history. I don’t think it’s time to find out now. Let it go.
She might want proof that he was your father. She might not believe you.