If you’re not trying to have a relationship with her just don’t. You can get genetic testing that will be more accurate that what she remembers of his family history.
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Just be blunt 
.
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y’all are a trip the man cheated and he lied about having a kid. you’re not wrong for wanting to know. if he didn’t want his wife knowing he cheated he shouldn’t of done it in the first place. some of you ladies are a trip.
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Not now. Talk to her in the future
We do not know our children’s history. His parents would be a better bet. Not now if ever. There is enough pain
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I would have blew this up years ago. Your husband isn’t a dirty little secret. He is living person. I can only imagine what that has done to your husband mentally.
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Right now is not the time let her grieve peacefully she just lost her husband for Gods sake do not ruin the memory of her laying her husband to rest with such awful news you don’t know if she has medical issues as well and news like this could kill her i would wait a few months and then reach out to her maybe a good idea also to have someone in her family like one of her child present for support for her.
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Get medical DNA done and save yourself the drama.
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Do a 23 and me with Health history. Not now, she doesn’t deserve that. Give her peace.
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All of you protecting random Women’s feelings are outrageous. Her husband (the child) deserves a sense of self worth by telling his dads story.
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I have a similar situation, I told her the truth about me and she changed her number and refuses to believe me even though my mother and bio dad got a dna test
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Did he know his father? How does he know this dad’s wife exists? Is he sure this man is his biological father or is that just what his mom told him? Why is your husband waiting until after his death to get “medical history”? Personally I’d let it go. Having medical history isn’t that important IMO. Not important enough to make turn this grieving woman’s life upside down. He hasn’t been concerned about it for 41 years. So it’s not really important to him either. Let her grieve the loss of her husband without causing more emotional pain.
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Why did he wait until he died, honestly at this point I’d let it go. Get a dna test done if you want medical hostory
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The one to ask for medical history was dad. Dad is dead. Leave his wife alone. This isn’t the 50s. The doctors can do simple blood work and testing to find any health issues. There is zero reason to add to this ladies pain. If you didn’t find it necessary to confront dad, leave his widow alone.
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Nah, he can go get genetic mapping done to know the medical stuff.
There’s no need to bother this woman in her grief. Let her be.
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Does bio dad have so lings, uncles, aunt’s. I would go to them. Not the wife
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You should stay out of it, not your business. Should be your husband’s decision only!
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I was adopted and I’m 59 now. I met my bio family in 2001 because I needed to know about my medical history . I found out what I needed to know, but the aftermath of what it did to me and how my bio sisters and brothers treated me brought up abandonment issues all over again because they didn’t want anything to do with me.
This being said, some things are better left undone.
Don’t hurt this grieving widow right now. The doctors can run test to find out medical stuff wrong.
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This should have been done before he passed. Now is not the time
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She might actually appreciate having someone close to her husband who passed away around. She might actually accept him. Just give a bit more time then take her out to dinner. Have that talk.
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All you can do is rip the band-aid off. There’s no easy way to go about that. Your husband is not the one that did it, he’s just the result and an innocent party. Have him try reaching out and see what happens…all you can do is try
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I don’t see an issue with approaching the wife necessarily. I just would wait at least a week, so she can grieve, & so can your husband.
But a couple questions, real quick.
One, are you husband’s bio grandparents alive? Because you’d get better medical history out of them more than likely. Cause if the bio dad hid a kid from his partner, there’s no telling what else he hid from her.
Two, did you guys not think to reach out to his bio dad about medical history before? It’s all of a sudden an issue?
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I’d go str8 to the wife not hubby fault his dad was a crappy person
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Leave her alone, why break her heart more? Seems like there’s a deeper root to you wanting to let her know he’s his kid…
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Mind your business and leave this person alone. You’ve had xxxxx many years to get health history. Soooo this feels like there are other motives
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In my opinion, the more important option would have been to connect and have a relationship with his father. Since that is no longer an option I can’t see how reaching out to a grieving woman who was cheated on would be worth it. As other people have stated they have better test now than just medical history. He could have none of those medical issues. Getting his own genetic testing would be a much more clear answer. This seems as though it serves only to cause drama. Not that that is his intention or your intention but will likely be the outcome.
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This is a difficult one. Good luck. I do feel for the wife. Your husband doesn’t really need that medical info from her since can get from tests.
Leave that woman alone.
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Could it perhaps,be,monetary
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Do a 23 and me with health report…leave her alone.
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One thing I’ve learned based on a very similar situation is while we may think we know all the facts & details; we (as the children in these scenarios) don’t always know the inner workings of the biological parents relationships. Is it possible the biological father didn’t know he had a child out there? Is it possible the grieving wife maybe already knew and had already forgiven her husband? We just never really know what conversations happen between spouses behind closed doors especially when it comes to extramarital affairs that result in children. I do completely understand wanting to know medical history and also maybe even wanting a bit of a connection w/ ‘new’ relatives but during her grieving process is not the time to broach the subject. Have your husband write a sincere and heartfelt letter expressing his desire to connect and most importantly, that he doesn’t wish to cause her any harm or additional grief. Let his letter show that his intentions are pure and heartfelt and that he will respect whatever & whenever she wishes (to connect or not.) Wishing you & your husband the best of luck navigating through this. It is not easy but if done with the best of intentions & a pure heart, who knows this could be what both your husband & grieving family may need to heal. 
Beth Snyder-Lockling 
Tagged because she is the cousin I’ve been blessed to find & am so very grateful for! 
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I’d leave that one alone. There are other ways he can find out medical details without making her think horrible thoughts for the rest of her life.
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Well when my step dad passed away my mom fou d papers that said he was paying someone child support. We have no idea who it was to and probably never will. I will always wonder. If you tell her thats up to you but maybe give it a while and let her grief subside a bit before throwing her that curveball.
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I see all these ppl saying ‘leave her alone’…so jerw goes an unpopular opinion…we live in a world of webbed deceit…the only way to get things correct is to NOT keep secrets, NOT lie to others…and I grew up in a hpuse of major crazy lies which came to a tragic end. Quit hiding behind the lies and thinking of others first… and for your hubbys sanity do what you gotta do. This id abpit your hisband and no one else. I watched my parwnts lie and manipulate things my whole life and keep things hidden which made life horrible. I tried to stop the cycle and was ostracized for it (omagine being comfy with those loea as truth)… But stop the cycle of lies NOW.
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Idk… Something about this kind of screams to me “we’re looking to cash in on bio dad’s death” more than “we need to know medical history.” Sounds like your partner had TONS of time to ask his father about medical history, and it’s not like they only reconnected a week or so prior to his passing. Plus, and I’m sorry to say, it sounds like bio dad was a bit of an ass that he hid a child for over 40 years. Why cause this woman all this extra heartbreak? There are tons of genetic tests that can be done by a simple blood draw at your doctor’s office that can tell you what kinds of conditions you might be predisposed of having. Also, if he hid your husband from her for so long, who’s to say he even gave her an accurate answer to his own medical history? He could have lied about that too. Like say he had a congenital heart condition and he died of a heart attack resulting from that, but he never told her. Or if he died from cancer, but never told her because he didn’t A. Want to spend his last times on earth sick from chemo, so he never told her. Or B. He didn’t want her to worry about him dying from said cancer, so he never told her. To me you sound like the relatives who come out of the woodwork when someone dies looking for something they think is owed to them in some way and your just looking for an excuse to justify it in some way. Leave her alone, get genetic testing done if your worried about illness.
Why did you guys wait till he passed to need to know these questions ? That’s awful of you guys to put the woman through that! You had 41 years to go see the bio dad….
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I wouldn’t do it especially now are you trying to have her pass away too
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Just ask. Say who you are and you only want medical knowledge
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Truth needs to be told,he isn’t a dirty little secret he has the right to let himself be known he did nothing wrong
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Leave the woman alone, just stirring up trouble.
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I would just be upfront about it but make sure you have proof because she will deny it and not believe it at all
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Honesty is best. My dad tried to find his bio dad long before my dad died. His dad left when he was 2. It’s a shame they didn’t connect because he was denied relationships with brothers and sisters he never got to know. Give her time to grieve and then I would try to connect. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The worst that can happen is she doesn’t want a friendship.
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There is no reason to bother this woman. Do 23&me and leave her alone.
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As a widow myself the more that kept coming out after he passed was soul crushing and it wasn’t even hidden kids and cheating. Truly everyone is different. Personaly about 3 years out I was in a way better head space to just make peace with whatever showed up from his past. But I also handle what came up within the year of his passing. Just do so gently and with an open mind and heart. I did and said things that first year I wouldn’t later or I regret today because I was just so angry and hurt. Give her time and space to process even if he initial reaction isn’t great.
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Wow just ask his no more and it was 41yrs ago ur husband did nothing wrong
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If you have proof he’s the biological son, request a copy of his death certificate and move in silence. If it’s been this long no need, to add stress to the widow
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why didn’t he do this while his bio dad was still alive? you had 41 years to approach this, why now? do you want to make her world even worse? go do a 23 and me test or something. you can find out just as much from genome mapping without stirring this pot
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She may be thrilled to know parts of her partner are still living… and after the shock would possibly be happy to still have a part of him in her life ! I would move forward with her …gently and lovingly!
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If it was so important to find out your husband medical history from this man he would of done it by now. Why wait until the man is dead knowing the drama and pain you’re about to cause this woman when the husband isn’t around to answer questions you know this woman will have. I honestly feel bad for this woman knowing she’s about to find out her whole relationship was a lie. Personally if it was me and my husband in this situation I’d tell him to leave it be.
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Atleast wait a good long while, like 2 years. Before you double break her heart…maybe look up a DNA thing for that info instead. if that’s truly the only reason.
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I would forget it.Don’t cause more pain on top of losing her husband.Many older people never went to the dr.except for emergencies.One of my family was diagnosed with M S and no one had this to our knowledge…don’t be cruel.
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Yes its a taboo BUT for medical purposes should be known
Sooooo why now? If your husband wasn’t man enough to make it known prior to his father’s death…leave her alone. That’s something that should have BEEN discussed.
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Y’all are being so rude…… the man chose to keep it away from the partner. Probably choosing to not have anything to do with the kid(the husband). The kid(the husband) deserves to know stuff as well. They could’ve started WW3 and opened the can of worms on the man and have his last days be hell but they didn’t.
I feel for you whoever you are! And I completely understand. I’m so glad you posted this, for myself for my own reasons.
I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.
Um, not to be disrespectful to the dead but not really like she can do anything about it. Just tell her, let her process it and then take it from there.
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Why wait this long to get medical history though? If you really must, can you let her mourn first? Sounds more like you just want to make it harder for her because he could of got medical history long ago but you wait til the man is dead?
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Don’t matter how long it’s been he has a right to know don’t blame the son the dad should have left his lil jimmy in his and NOT cheated on his wife screw him I wouldn’t care how the wife felt
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Why did you wait until the man was dead to ask about the medical history? He may have liked knowing he had a son… Waiting until he’s dead and going to the wife just sounds like you’re stirring the pot.
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There are many legal reasons for expressing the bio son. If she claims to be a sole heir, she would be lying and be arrested. She needs to know of the bio son.
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I am guessing they had a private relationship? Depending on her age she could pass sometime sooner than later. I don’t see it as selfish of your husband when his dad hid it. Some mourning time for her, contact the morgue as well as finding out his doctor if possible. My mom had a child at 16 whom my grandparents had her go to an unwed mothers home in the 60’s and he was adopted, and they found us when I was a teen cause my niece has sickle cell anemia. I’m so glad to know them!! It was so natural and she may love meeting her husbands son. Regardless of how he came along, he’s alive and things happen. It’s important for you and what if she wants to be around? Never know, never assume the worst.
Pray on it knowing u have to live with whatever decision you make and the possible outcomes.
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I’d leave well enough alone…u have only the word of mom he is the dad …so it’ll do more harm cause widow and rest of family may not believe u.if they feel ur doing it in spite or they feel u want something ur not likely to get answers I’d respect the woman just as ur husband did nothing wrong neither did widow why hurt her just because u can…
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This seems kind of like you guys wanna stir up drama a little bit. You’ve had all this time to ask this man his medical history?…why now?
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GO find out what it is you need to .
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This is kind of a hard one…
On one hand Your husband wants know medical information, that you had 41 years to find out, so that’s kind of selfish. And to be quite honest he can live the rest of his life without knowing because a lot of people do. But it is helpful to know.
Then there is telling her and she thinks the last 41 years have been a lie… 
I mean was he a decent husband for the last 41 years? Or was he a dirtbag? If he was a dirt bag and was cheating her on her and doing stuff behind her back for the last 41 years I would tell her! Because why is she gonna waste your time grieving over a dirt bag? BUT BUT if he was a good man and he made a mistake 41 years ago… I wouldn’t tell her nothing, because I wouldn’t want to pull the rug out from Under everything she ever knew for the last 41 years… Over What?? medical history??? 
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Maybe if he meets the wife,she may want to know him,they can help one another heal.It could turn out to be a cloud’s silver lining.
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Why ask those questions now and not before he passed? Your husband is 41 years old. I’m sure he’s well aware what’s going on with his body by now.
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My wife found out her grandfather (age 29 and never had married at the time) and his lady friend had a child. The daughter came looking for him, he had died in 1956. My wife wrote a letter about what her grandmother knew of her and her mother. Never heard from the daughter but when she died, on her grave marker it reads Daughter of xxxx xxxxx. 
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I would wait on this but do keep an eye on her. Maybe best to write a letter. Im not sure how to go about this. Some people may be accepting of others during this time. Maybe give her a card asking to meet in person and in a private location. I understand she will be upset. Also couldn’t your husband go do genetic testing to see what is in his family history.
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Yall are reading into it too much. Maybe her husband didn’t give a shit about meeting him, or anything like that. But, now because he passed due to medical issues, he just wants to know family medical problems. Which is completely understandable.
They aren’t trying to cause her pain, they are trying to understand what happened so they know if they can avoid it. There are things that are hereditary that will not be able to be tested 
Wanting to know things like that is understandable.
But, maybe wait a while. Let her mourn first. Don’t dump this on her while she’s trying to mourn her husband. I can’t imagine trying to mourn my husband, then find out that he cheated.
Just go get tested and find out any issues he might have I mean it’s not like he’s a kid with health issues … he will be fine with test… im sure with yrs of marriage she knew she just doesn’t want anything to do with him… women know things and just stay quiet …ur gonna stir up the pot for no reason
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I’m thinking 23andme testing only tests for existing or common disorders,nothing rare.My sons had genetic testing done,the three of us were the first 3 cases(4p12 trisomy)So 23andme may not cover this.
My last comment on here but why not contact another family member of the father instead of his wife? You know like a grandparent or the fathers siblings? You just want to stir drama for this poor woman. Don’t take out what her husband did on her!
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If he knows for sure that he was his father, tell the wife. If its just the word of his mother, you need a DNA test done. If his father had other children, you can do a DNA test with them to see if the fathers DNA matches. A lot of people have done the 23 & me thing.
I don’t buy that “medical information” is all yall want lol otherwise he would’ve asked a lonnnnng time ago if this man is in his 40s.
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Just stop… pay for 23 and me and get your health questions answered based on ALL your relatives. Leave him alone.
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Why did you wait until he died to do this? I don’t feel like you have any right to contact her now when you never made the attempt when he was alive.
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Maybe just.say ur a cousin and try for info, thats a tough one.
You don’t need to know. Let it go.
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She deserves to know.
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Don’t contact that woman. It’s disrespectful. Ask someone else in the family and move on. I’m pretty sure she’s already grieving over her husband, leave her alone.
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I am 45 married 18 years of my husband died but secretly had another child and was apart of his world I would want to know. But that is just me not everyone feels that way. And right after he died is probably not the best time either.
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I found out at 44 that I had a younger half brother I never knew about. After our father died my brother’s mom came looking for me… I had not been around my dad since I was 6 months old… I never knew he fathered another child after me… Learning the medical history from my brother and the family history (because he was involved with my father until he was 10 years old.)… Was absolutely amazing. From all anyone knows maybe this woman will welcome the husband with open arms just knowing that she has a piece of her husband left. I know her feelings could be hurt but it’s bigger than that and he shouldn’t be denied medical information because his father decided to cheat on his wife and father a love child.
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Do they have kids together I wonder
My daughters father did this. (Not cheated) but hasn’t told his family he has a kid. None of them know. He’s never met her and refuses to. Its ridiculous. Don’t hold back, try a friendly introduction and go from there. I met all 5 of my brothers as an adult and despite the circumstances (serious dr Phil crap) we are all close and were eager to get to know each other.
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Give her time to grieve if it’s that important to you but personally I’d let it go
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Ivonne Flores Dr’s don’t run all the tests under the sun. They’re expensive and some are evasive. It’s his health. He has the right to ask.
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I would talk to her and let her know and do a DNA
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Wait… you want medical history of the woman who wasn’t his mother? Am I reading this wrong?
I honestly would wait a little to let her deal with the death first . My story is kind of tricky too . My dad knew he was my dad , only took us a handful times (when he had women to impress ) . His family kept saying he was sick , wouldn’t tell us why . He passed a few years ago and we were told basically from his sister that its not of our business . Were blamed for bot being in his life when clearly he was the adult . I ended up getting the information from someone that was married /divorced to his brother , he had the same thing because its very hereditary . If it goes the same way as mine although my father knew he was my dad and i knew , you will be to blame and your father will be the victim . Stirred up way to much drama and now i only communicate with one person on my fathers side .
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She states her husband tried reaching out but bio dad didn’t care or acknowledge he had a son. I think he should do what’s best for him. His partner may have known and didn’t know how to approach it, or she didn’t and may be thrilled to meet him. Or she won’t.
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Why you wait until the man is dead to want to bring it up. She has nothing to do with it should have addressed this while the man was living.
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I say go for it. Reach out and see what happens. She may or may not respond. I’m adopted and even doing the 23 and me didn’t find out things that i know now due to speaking with my bio dad
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- How much did your husband interact, be in contact with his Bio Dad?
- Did he have other children & if yes what do they know about him?
- Is there other family members on Bio Dads side your husband could honestly talk to?
- How did Y’all find out about the death?
- I think I would go that route first.
- Bio dad partner mite not believe your husband so try to get the DNA test done ASAP so there is no question.
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There is genetic testing that can be done to determine what health issues you might face. You don’t have to have the paternal history to learn that. For the sake of that woman who’s grieving, let it go, it went this long no need to change that now.
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I’m in the same boat. I couldn’t find my bio dad until I read his obituary. Discovered he had 2 children with his wife and reached out to one of the kids instead of the wife. In my case, the son I reached out to asked me not to disclose to his mom and sister that I existed. I have done as he requested since I was able to get the medical info I needed. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you move on for your own benefit, but the whole in your heart remains. You do have the right to know your medical history! Best of luck.
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A lot of truths come out after a death…
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Is it “We” want to know medical history or are “you” wanting to know medical history?
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Too many unanswered questions here such as, did this bio dad even know about his son? Is there legal proof he was the bio dad or are you going by hearsay? Is the bio dad’s name on the birth certificate? Are there siblings that can be cross match tested to prove kinship? These are just some of the questions she is going to ask and if you don’t have solid proof other than simply hearsay she’s never going to believe you. What good could possibly come out of adding more heartbreak to a already grieving woman other than health information, which is important but it is what it is. Adopted people sometimes never learn about their bio history. The biggest question you’re going to be asked is, if your husband knew that this man was his biological father, why did he wait until he was dead to come forward? 
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I’m trying to put myself in the bio dad’s life long partners shoes, if I was madly in love with a man especially a life long partner, and he passes, I would be devastated, imagine people stepping forward to let me know that one of them is his kid and I wasn’t aware, not only is she grieving but you will add very many questions for her to never be answered because y’all waited till the man died therefore, she can never get a chance to talk it out with him, nor ask him why, who, when, where, nor ever forgive him! She will not even have a chance to grieve properly nor live another day wondering why he cheated on her
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There’s a lot going on here and a lot of questions that could be asked; Like why now? Why didn’t you reach out to his bio-dad while he was alive? Why does all the sudden now that he’s dead does it matter? It’s not her fault that she doesn’t know about you so when you approach her, be kind, be caring, be thoughtful, maybe there is a relationship there to be made. If you have kids, that would make her a grandma and maybe that’s something she could use right now, especially with her lover passing. Give the situation some time and let the dust settle before you barge in there and rip the rug up from underneath her. Knowing the medical history is important, especially since he’s died of medical reasons. Just be kind.
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