My fiancé and I have been together for two years so far and will be together for 3 when we get married in October. A little backstory here, before my fiancé and I, got together, I didn’t know our mothers knew each other. And they don’t like each other. My mother and I are not close, and we don’t talk very much anymore. So I was nervous when I found that out bc I was afraid she would not like me. Well, fast forward, and she likes me fine, I think at least. Until one occurrence happened when my fiancé brother got in my five years old face and told us to “Shut that child up before I do” because I was trying to put her to sleep, and she was throwing a fit bc she did not want to go to bed and woke my fiancé brothers child up. Then my mother-in-law got involved and told my fiancé and me it was our fault. When I literally cannot make a child stop crying or throwing a fit when she’s upset and screaming bc she does not want to go to sleep at 9 pm. Kids throw tantrums. I’m sorry. I tried to quiet her down, but before I could, his brother walked in and told us that, which made me mad, so I left at 9 pm at night with my two children. Fast forward, I did not speak to her for months when my fiance worked over the road. I thought we were fine until all this wedding planning took place. She tries to overrule me at my wedding! I don’t want to come off to be a “bridezilla,” and I feel bad if I don’t include her in wedding things as my fiance is also upset when I don’t include her. But she tries to control everything. And she over mothers him as well. She calls every morning to wake him up for work still asks if he needs laundry done or food cooked. And I find it offensive when I’m there to do this stuff for him. Like that’s kind of my job as a soon-to-be wife ?? But when it comes to this wedding. I don’t even want to have a wedding anymore because she’s always pushing me to stuff. To book venues, find dresses only at places she recommends in her price range (when she’s not paying for anything wedding-related except rehearsal dinner, which my fiance just wants to do pizza). I’m just over here trying to control everything about this wedding, and really about everything else. I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t listen when I tell her no; I don’t like that. But I also don’t even want to have this wedding anymore just so I don’t have to hurt her feelings or her input on it. Sorry, this is long. My mother and I also are not close and never really have been, so I would like to have a relationship with her, but I also think this is a little extreme.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My fiance doesn't help me around the house - #2 by AnonymousMama
It’s your wedding. Stand up for yourself and tell her that. Tell her you appreciate her input but ultimately you’re going to do what you want to do because it is your wedding, not hers. She’s going to walk all over you as long as you allow it. Stop allowing it.
She sounds like the type of person who’s going to show up in a wedding dress of her own to y’all’s wedding.
Stop allowing her to walk over you. Put your foot down now. Have your fiancé back you. If he can’t, you have bigger issues
She’ll do what you allow. Stand up to her and if it hurts her feelings, oh well. Stop letting her walk all over you.
It’s up to you, a big wedding or a place of your own where you don’t have to deal with them. A small wedding with you and your fiancé won’t cost much.
Your man needs check his mom or it will only become worse and you will end up in a divorce or miserable.
set boundaries NOW not only with her, your brother in law() and your fiance or this misery will be your life. Consistently stand your ground. Have a heart to heart conversation with your fiancé about your expectations for the future and his lack of support when it comes to his mother. If he can’t put her in her place now he never will.
First of all, is isn’t your job to wake him up, feed him & do his laundry. Is he your son or your fiancé? If he needs your help every once in a while, help him, but it’s not your job or his Moms. His Mom has created a big man child. He’ll always be a big mommas boy & he’ll always choose mommy over you. I’d be looking for a man, that’s def not what you have Lol
It’s your wedding. Put your foot down. Communicate all of this to your fiance. If fiance isn’t ready to have your back and stand up to his mother. Then hes not ready to be married to you.
I would have been done as soon as his brother spoke to you/your child like that. People/families like this don’t change, it’s always the “outsiders” fault
Your fiancé needs to tell his mom to take a step back and let you two organized everything for the wedding. He also needs to stop letting his mother do all those stuff for him, he’s not a child anymore. If you were sick or something that would stop you from doing those things is different but she’s forcing herself into your lives. If he can’t do any of that then you have a bigger issue than her controlling the wedding.
And so it begins… shes needs to be checked swiftly by you’re fiancee… if he brushes it off and makes excuses for her crap behavior she will continue to push until she destroys you’re marriage
This is a preview of what life will be like if you don’t set boundaries now. Speak up now.
If he is old enough to get his pecker wet he is old enough to wake himself up for work in the morning. Are you sure you want to marry into all this? Like really a manchild and his controlling mom? He doesn’t even have your back from reading this post why would you settle for that disrespect especially when you bring kids into it. By this post mom in law should be the least of your worries. You are ignoring the red flags
Sounds to me like you should work on your relationship and boundaries before you choose to sign your last name away. He needs to grow a backbone if he wants to be a respected leader in the household and you need to learn boundaries and quit people pleasing.
Your fiancé should be putting his family in check! They should not be disrespecting you or your child! It’s gonna come to a point where your fiancé has to choose you and the family you created or the family he came from. And in that case, I wouldn’t be marrying him until he was choosing the family he created or at all
Put her in her place now, and him! Or you will always be the second wife!
You never really got into just ‘HOW’ your relationship is with your fiancé other than he doesn’t back you up….does he ever back you up??? You have a few months to rethink all this
I felt with my x mother n law like that too. I got so tired of hearing my husband being referred to as her little boy. I have two boys by him as well so I understand loving your kids and how special they are but get the hell out a here. That’s to much. Go with her where she wants you to go then drop her ass off and go by yourself. Go look at places she likes them pick the one you want and stand firm on that’s the one you chose. You need to tell your husband to remind his mother that it’s not her wedding. He needs to stand up. Believe me if he doesn’t it only gets worse when you get married. Play her sick game but best her at it. You getting upset is what she wants.
My ex mother in law used to do all my ex’s ironing and when he needed a doctor’s appointment, she booked it for him. She used to phone me to ask what I was feeding him and if I was cooking from scratch.
Unless your fiance puts his foot down, this woman is never going to know boundaries. One of several issues that led to a divorce in my first marriage. If she’s that overbearing, he let’s her do what she wants, and you can’t stand it I’d say postpone the wedding. It’s easier to leave later on if you aren’t married.
Ok first, that man should be doing his own laundry especially if you also work. Second run fast & hard now sweetie cause you don’t just marry a man you marry his family and that shits forever.
But yea stand up for yourself unless you plan on being the family doormat for the rest of your marriage.
She will only treat you how you allow her to treat you. Don’t be a door mat stand up for yourself
If it were me I would postpone the wedding until you and fiancé are on the same page. Nothing will change until that happens it will only get worse. Boundaries are healthy for all involved. But I tell ya if your BIL said that to me about my kids he would never be around them again.
Ok first off tell your fiance to grow up🤦♀️ I’m sorry but the fact he keeps allowing her to do his laundry or call him to wake him up is ridiculous. And tell her it is your wedding not hers. You’d like her to help and attend but in the end it is your and your fiances decision on what goes on. If she can’t respect that, then she doesn’t need to help in anyway.
Sounds like your man needs to grow up. He is the one that needs to put her in her place. You deserve your dream wedding. You also have to stand up for yourself an your child. It is only going to get worse. I got a divorce because of this kind of behavior. Most likely he will always choose her. I’m sorry to say that. Best of luck in the future
Set your boundaries now… she should have absolutely no say in it wether she pays for it or not. It is yours and your partners day not the folks that are paying. Do it as you want and don’t be sorry or guilt tripped over it. You’ll regret it if you give in on your plans for YOUR day.
I would rethink getting married at all . Nothing will change you will either be bossed around the rest of your life or end up in divorce
Well at this point u have a decision to make marry him and except that this is ur life 4ever she will not change for u or him she feels intitled to do so because he lets it happen. Or dont marry him and make it clear why mayb just mayb then he will set his foot down but honustly i was there and done that he is my ex now because as he got older he turned into a version of her so becarfull and tread lightly on ur decision at the end of the day this is ur life and ur children’s life as well. My dad told me when on the day of my wedding b4 he was to walk me down the isle to marry my ex he said look at ur life right now and vision ahead to 10 yrs and it will still be ur life now can u except this behavior if yes then let’s go if not lets get out of here good luck
I would just relax on the wedding don’t rush anything. Keep being engaged and get to know everyone better.
If I were you…go get married, just you and your man and your kids. That’s what I did. Much easier. N tell her to BACK OFF.
Piss her off and elope that’s what I did
First let me say your BIL was WAY out of line. Did your fiancé say anything to him when he said that to you? By your response with leaving with the 2 kids I’m guessing not and I’m also guessing the 5 yr old isn’t his? Either way ! If he isn’t willing to step in to threats against a child he’s not going to step in for you and BIL would not be around anymore. That’s violence against a child. As far as his mother if he hasn’t said “I don’t need you to call and wake me up, do my laundry or cook for me I have someone at home to do those things” red flag . He needs to pop that tit out of his mouth and focus on your household. I personally would postpone the wedding until he steps up in all those areas
He needs to say something as her son and set boundaries
The family you marry into is just as important as the person you marry. Which means that if they can’t respect you leave the situation.
Having come from a relationship like this, cancel the wedding. Do not marry this boy. If he’s not backing you up and getting mad when you don’t make his mom happy, your entire marriage will be the two of them against you. And then they will start working to turn the kids against you too. Let them have each other imo.
DO NOT get married start there!
Wow imo too soon to get married too and work out all these kinks or run
It’s up to him to tell his mother to back off! If he doesn’t then please wait it out and don’t rush to get married. This will be a forever issue. I personally would RUN
Plan a trip to the beach
Find a justice of peace
Get married with just the 2 of you and enjoy your day.
I would honestly have an honest conversation over coffee or dinner. just the two of you.
It sounds like she doesn’t have her own daughter so she kind of wants to be there for the wedding planning.
That said - its not an excuse. Just tell her how much you appreciate her and want her to be involved however it is your wedding and you want it to be about you and him. And that if she cant accept that then you will cancel it all and just elope.
Honestly it sounds like you love your fiancé. But also talk to him and see if he is even on your side with this. it may be that this is a red flag and he will always put him mom before you. This is not what you want in a relationship.
If he is putting your feelings first then that is what matters and say that you love him and you just want to be married. get an elopement away from all the crazy mess and be happy. you can have it ANYWHERE. and they are more intimate and beautiful.
Girl… I would leave. Your fiancé should of done something about his brother and needs to desperately do something about his mother. It will only get worse if you marry the fiancé.
Where you at her house ?
That family sounds like a nightmare. Please get you and your kids out of there and FAST! The brother sounds like he would do something to one of your kids when you’re not around.
Tell her you want her involved and want her help, but you won’t tolerate the way she’s doing these things now and you won’t have her apart of that if she doesn’t stop what she’s doing. If she doesn’t change it then stop including her in anything that’s wedding wise.
Are you living with them when your kid was throwing a fit? I say elope and get your own place if you don’t have it
I would have snapped at the brother. Run. Don’t marry him.
oh no what a nightmare whole family against you and ur children
Don’t marry him. Enyoj your children…it’s awful how your bil behaved towards your child. Family always come in package, and your children, and you, deserve better.
Tell her to back her nut bus up and keep her sticky beak in her own backyard, your wedding, your rules, your decisions. End of. As for your partner he needs to step it up a notch and tell his mum to back off and tell his brother that if he EVER speaks to you or the kids that way he will shut him up! Tell him to grow a pair! Oh and also be a grown man and set an alarm. If not it’s a deal breaker and you will need to make a decision, sucks but mummies boys are hard to be with.
First off you are an adult and your children come first. Sounds like she is a control freak and has raised a mamma’s boy. If your man doesn’t stand up for you and your children now he never will. Don’t allow her to walk on you. And just so you know it is not your responsibility to feed, dress or clean up for your boyfriend is he a man or man child? Helping him once in awhile is one thing and sharing responsibility is the ideal situation. Set boundaries because the destruction has already started. It’s not right to allow this for yourself and definitely NOT for your children. I will not play second fiddle to anyone period .
Honestly your soon to be husband sounds like the bigger issue. If he will tolerate his brother talking to your child like that red flag. If he won’t tell his mom to stop pushing red flag.
Until he backs her down and respects you more than her, you’ll be miserable
you need to plan your wedding with whomever is paying for it…period ! The grooms parents are to butt out, and your man needs to get a set of balls !
Oh jeeze. I would never allow someone to say that to my child. His brother and mom sounds awful! It’s your wedding day, not his mothers. I don’t have advice, besides your husband needs to cut the cord. He should tell his mom he doesn’t need her to do his laundry, or cook dinner, that his fiancé and him do these things together. He needs to grow up a little bit and speak up! Girl I would of set his mother straight already. Good luck! Don’t cancel your wedding because of her, you’ll regret it down the road.
You and your man need to have the discussion with her as to where she stands and what the limits are. This is more common then people realize. They think they are doing us a favor but it makes for adulting our children hard and affects our relationships negatively. She needs to be told firm and clear. Appropriate Communication. Start there.
Sounds like you should just throw that entire family away.
Hun if he won’t stand up for you and your babies now. He never will. You don’t wanna marry that man.
If you’re not going to leave at least postpone the wedding until you see that he’s gonna step up for you and your babies. I couldn’t see a stranger allowing someone to say what the BIL said and not getting upset. His kids or not he should have spoke up on that situation. That alone tells me he’s not ready to be a part of your life. Sorry you are going through all of this. Prayers
You marry him it will be like this your whole marriage. I spent 10 years of that kind of life. I was so terribly unhappy. Your decision but I wouldn’t do it.
I think you’re wasting your time and money on a wedding with this person. You have red flags all over the place. Your fiance doesn’t back you up and your mil will always be mothering him. Take your kids and get your life together without a man. Be a mother first!!!
I would put off the wedding. I promise it won’t get better unless HE puts a stop to it. Just remember, marrying him means you marry the whole family.
That’s not a MIL issue. Your partner is the problem and I’m sad to say she matters to more to him than you do. You will forever be second to her. And there is nothing you can do about it. Doesn’t matter you have his children. There are plenty of support groups on FB with the same tale of women 20 years in playing second string to a grown man’s mother. Call off the wedding and move on to someone who will put you and your kids first. Good luck
It never stops so have a talk and set your foot down. Either they will respect you or they will walk away.
Screw all of that honestly. I’d tell him the wedding is canceled until he can get his family under control
I’m sorry you’re not enjoying wedding planning but it’s your day. I hope everything works out ok. Don’t let her ruin it.
First of all , what did your husband do when his brother got in your child’s face like that ?! He sounds like a wimp! Tell him to learn to stand up for his family which is you and the kids. He needs to put his mother in her place .
I’m laughing because you have an out. Elope or a Justice of the Peace then that’s a temporary fix. You can have a Wedding later when things calm down. You can still have a reception (the infamous excuse for a Party). But you’re married just the same. Just an opinion.
Sit her down and talk to her. Say while you appreciate her wanting to organise the wedding you want to do it your own way. Try to settle it peacefully its always good to have her on side
Hell if she wants to do your chores for you let her that’s less that you have to do
I would just have a real sit down with her and just say look I plan on loving your son forever as I know you do as well , tell her exactly how you feel, heat on sleeve style, tell her it’s got you feeling like you dont even want a wedding. Talk with her with respect and care but just say you really want to have a relationship with her and don’t want to have grief over all this . If she cant understand all that then that’s on her and it’s time to move along with planning without her .
The first issue I see is that you think it’s a woman’s job to do everyday things like waking him up for work, cooking & cleaning. These are crucial life skills every human being should be able to do on their own. Not you or his mother should do it for him. Second problem is that he & his family don’t respect you or your child. A grown man threatens a child & neither mom or fiance step up against that behavior? Hell no! My advise to you is leave that relationship. It’s going to get much worse after you’re married.
It will only continue
I would just elope and have a happy life with your new husband and explain to ML hey this keep the rugus down wish you goos luck !!!
I’d leave him. He’s also part of the problem, if the uncle is yelling at a 5 year old and the family is supporting this then something is seriously wrong. I wouldn’t want to marry him or even include MY child into that toxic environment
you did not say that your fiancé had your back, once.
He’s taking his mothers side. Did he even say anything when his brother got in your child’s face?….
If I were you, I’d reevaluate the whole relationship.
You two are about to become life partners. That can’t happen successfully if he is taking his mamas side and leaving you to defend for yourself.
Sit down with your man and explain all this to him and your feelings… Then invite her to have a heart to heart and explain that It’s YOUR WEDDING, and Your Way, as you appreciate her ideas it’s Your special Day and maybe she should focus on the GROOMS Details, because your maid of Honor is There to help and assist You!
I’d tell him the wedding isnt happening until he gets his mother under control.
Go get married just the 2 of you
I would talk to her, I lost my amazing mother in law yesterday, life is too precious
I laughed at the part where she calls to wake him up for work. Your about to get married to a baby.
If my brother in law ever said “shut that baby up before I do”. I would have flipped the fuck out. I wouldn’t want to be apart of a family like that.
Elope and move far, far away from all of that. Otherwise it will just get worse.
Just go gretna green
You tell her to stay in her place or she isn’t invited to the wedding at all. You need to stand up for yourself or this is only going to get worse over time. You also tell your fiance if he can’t stand up for you and tell his mother to back off then you don’t want this wedding. If this doesnt change now it will ruin your marriage down the road.
I highly recommend reading the book, “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Just nod your head ‘sure’ when she suggests anything and do it your way. It’s pretty simple. And get your own place so your daughter can cry and scream and no one has to hear it. They are wrong but just take yourself out of these equations.
Cancel the wedding and get eloped.
Consider who the man is you’re getting ready to marry and possibly have children with. You think it’s bad now, wait till there’s a kid involved with the future MIL! Nothing will change I’m afraid if it hasn’t already.
When you marry a person you marry their family. That’s the way it is and for some it’s awesome and others not so much. This mother is ridiculous! Calling him every morning??!! WTH! If he’s still answering the phone each morning, your issue is with him not his mother. Just my opinion!
This is your husband’s issue to correct. Ask him to go to her. He either stands with you or he doesn’t. Pay close attention.
Does he live at home? Sounds like a mama’s boy. Does he stand up to her? Does he defend you? Whose side does he take in a disagreement? If he capitulates to his mom & doesn’t take your side most of the time, think twice about marrying him. Maybe tell him you want to wait until he can live on his own & cut the apron strings.
Mama needs someone to fuss over, and she gloms onto your fiancé for that. She is bored. Get her a puppy & find her some hobbies. Have people from causes she’d support call her to get her to volunteer. Suggest foster parenting. Once she has her own stuff to fuss over, she won’t need to be in your business.
Are there any specific jobs you could give her for the wedding that she can’t screw up? Maybe tell her if she wants to pay for the flowers she can be in charge of them. Either she will balk at paying or you’ll have nice flowers. Put different friends and family on shifts to keep her occupied at the wedding & reception so she doesn’t get into meddling. Have a mantra you can repeat for everything else: “we’ve got it covered, thanks!” “That’s sweet but everything’s already done.” (Even if it’s not—you want her to believe she can’t do anything to change things.) Do not give out information about what and with whom you are contracting. If she asks, just repeat your mantra. If she persists, ask, “Why do you want to know?” If she says she just does or she’s just curious, tell her again, “Oh, it’s all set and you don’t need to worry about it.” Or you want it to be a surprise.
Marriage counseling with your fiancé to work out some of these issues and for both of you to learn how to deal with your future MIL.
You better talk to your man if he lets his mother do these things to you and your family and isn’t putting his foot down with her, it’s never gonna change.
Do you all live together? Set boundaries, stand up for yourself. Tell your fiance what you expect. This best thing I did for my wedding is to let an older strong willed friend coordinate and keep me on schedule. We communicated directly with her and she didn’t allow anyone else to overrule our choices. That way nobody else could push me into things I didn’t want or have time for. If your fiance is away for work he obviously knows how to be independent w/o his mother. If she wants to do clothes, she can help with everybody’s clothes. I wouldn’t have a problem with her helping out as long as it’s actually helping the whole family. The screaming at your child should not be tolerated and your child needed to be removed from that. If your fiance can not handle his mother and brother on these issues, you may need to pull back and postpone.
I hate to tell you this but if he’s still allowing her to over mother him it won’t change, he shouldn’t want her around at all acting that way smh good luck with your mamas boy though
Move into your own place. Then no1 would say anything about your child. Don’t marry him.
Well, she cant direct your wedding if you are not there ! Get a grip ! You need to draw the line, put your foot down and make some demands of her now, or she cant be in your life. She sounds mentally ill. I wouldn’t have her allowed at anything let alone your wedding ??? Here is this woman running over you, disregarding you and you are worried about hurting her feelings ? She is prepared to ruin your wedding and you dont want to hurt HER feelings ! ? ! If you dont get her away fast you are setting up for disaster. If you marry him you are asking for it. Misery ! Heartache ! Maybe you need to mental check yourself. Maybe you want the drama. If you continue on with him your fate is sealed, you are doomed. Pick your path. You dont have to go down this sad road. Its Your choice. WAKE UP !
Handled that a lot better then I would have with what he said. I would have gotten in his face
With anything she suggests wedding wise just shake your head and tell her you “like the idea but you would like —— a lot more for your chosen theme for your wedding” literally just keep emphasizing that it’s YOUR wedding.
Do you really want to marry into a family that holds no respect for you, your children?? I wouldn’t. That would be awful to deal with. I wouldn’t go through the marriage if I were you. But since you are, you need to tell your soon to be mama in law and her son that if she wants some control over the wedding, she needs to pitch in and help pay for the costs on the things she’s demanding. You also need to ask your fiancé who he’s marrying, you or his mama because it sounds like he just doesn’t give a shit what you want or how you’re feeling as long as his mama is involved. This isn’t her wedding. It’s yours and a bride is entitled to have things her way when it’s her day. You also need to set boundaries immediately. His mama calling every morning, trying to feed him and do his laundry is her saying you don’t do enough for her son and he’s allowing it. If you are incapable of doing this, then go ahead and do shit your own way in private. HOWEVER…I’d just walk away from it all. That’s a toxic family and it will only get worse.
RUN! If he is allowing her to be this involved and still being treated as a child, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!
Your marrage will have lots of trouble with his mama in bed with you!