QUESTION:
“So I found some texts on my husband’s phone from a while back. And discovered he cheated on me with a woman one week before asking me to marry him. We have now been married two years and have a son and are expecting another one. He told me I shouldn’t feel upset because it was years ago that it doesn’t matter our family matters. But I am absolutely crushed. I moved from my country to be with him. I gave up my home, my family, my savings, everything to be with him. And he does that and spends the next two years looking me in the eye like nothing happened. He wants to stay married. I don’t know what I want. I told him I wanted to leave for a few days to think, and he threatened to harm himself. I don’t know what to do. I’m so exhausted and feel so betrayed.”
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“I would leave. If there was one there could be others. It doesn’t matter that it was 2 years ago he still betrayed you. And threatening to harm himself is him trying to make you feel guilty and control you. If you feel like you can’t move on and it hurts you then don’t feel bad about leaving. He made the choice to cheat, he has to deal with the consequences.”
“He is manipulating you during a time that you need to clear your head because what you thought your life was isn’t really. Take the time you need and leave. If he texts you that he is going to self harm then call local authorities and let them know that he is alone is threatening to do harm and need a wellness check up. Take the time you need. He knew it would be a problem that’s why he didn’t tell you and now he is trying to manipulate you into staying.”
“Run. He’s not accepting accountability for his actions and what’s worse is trying to force you to stay with threats. Take your kids and leave.”
“I think it all goes back to why you were looking through his phone? Are you happy in your relationship? Do you feel respected, loved, appreciated? Are there any other red flags? It seems like you were really digging for info to find a text from that long ago (not shaming you at all for this, as I get how it feels to be in a terrible relationship where you feel like you need to snoop) but the question is, if you felt the need to do all that digging is the relationship really. Giving you what you need? Good luck and I’m so sorry you had to find those texts and have this experience, you deserve so much better!”
“Counseling is gonna be the best start. But he’s definitely manipulating you. Be careful. That’s a red flag. That and he cheated.”
“The fact that he doesn’t want to take any accountability and wants to act like what he done wasn’t a big deal at all is a red flag in itself. Threatening harm is his way of controlling you! Leave and don’t look back otherwise you will spend a lifetime wondering why you weren’t good enough.”
“I would NOT stay with him. He’s manipulative. I’d be gone and take my babies with me. Save any messages he may send you about self harm and use that as grounds to take the kids. Once everything settles go to court to establish joint custody.”
“I suggest you get some counseling before you make any life changing decisions.”
“It’s important to address it and deal with it all now, no matter how long ago this happen YOU are feeling it all as If it just happened now. So, he needs to understand that and you both need to go though those motions.”
“Taking time for yourself is important to do at this time to get your thoughts and feelings in order. It’s very possible that he doesn’t know how to address this or handle it all because you guys have since built a family BUT, it happened and no matter how he feels he needs to know the damage he’s caused emotionally and the trust he will have to rebuild.”
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