I found out almost two weeks ago I’m pregnant with surprise baby number three! When I say surprise, I mean total shocking surprise. My son is almost 7, baby girl turned a year last month, and now a whole new one! Here’s what I’m here for:
My very, dear, friend has been struggling with fertility issues. She recently had her first loss at about 6 weeks a few weeks ago. I’m absolutely terrified to tell her about being pregnant. I don’t believe she will be mad, or hateful, but I’m so afraid of how much this is going to hurt her. My hubby and I have decided to be happy about this shocker baby, (we used protection FULLY) so I’m not allowing it to take away from my shine. But I also don’t want her hurting. I love her so much, I’m afraid this will make her distance from us (which is totally understandable) the advice I’m asking for is HOW should I tell her? And when? She wants us and the kiddos to come over New Year’s Eve, and she’s going to be soooo curious as to why I’m not drinking lol, will it ruin her time if I tell her then? Again, I don’t care about my feelings towards the situation, I’m worried for her. Sorry for the ramble! And thanks in advance !
As a woman who struggled with infertility. Don’t delay. Tell her. Tell her and she will be happy for you. She will be sad for her and you can mention that you’re happy for you also, but that you’re still so sad and hurting for her. She will appreciate this! Tell her before the party so she has time to soak it in.
If she is truly your friend-she will be happy for you. I’m sure it will hurt a little-but you should tell her in private before your get together.
You’re a really good friend as a mother who was struggling a loss while my friend got pregnant I can tell you it will hurt no matter what but that won’t stop her love for you an the new little one, if she’s really your friend help her grief but share your joy
Make everything asking her to be the GODMOTHER
Shes going to be so happy for you, yes. But she’s going to hurt so bad.
Definitely don’t tell her on news years.
Just casually bring it up after the first trimester and be done discussing it unless she wants to
I’d just tell her and tell her yr sorry bout her issues and loses but accidents happen n it wasn’t planned. If she’s up for it ask her to be yr baby partner for like appointments yr hubs can’t make or aren’t like 1st ultrasound appointment. If yr into it make her a gift parent or just ask her if she wants to be involved or if she just wants to kinda ignore or think bout stuff til u have the baby
If she is a true friend she will be happy for you I just had the same situation I have been friends with my best friend since we have been 5 years old and she struggles with it as well we found out we were pregnant together all though hers was not successful I asked her to be godmother which of course she accepted and is now the godmother to my 4 month which she loves her to pieces and treats her as her own and spoils her like you wouldn’t believe just a suggestion 
As a good friend, you should tell her ahead of time. If you’re as close as u say u are ,then she will understand. Hurt? Of course, but I doubt she’ll hate. Good luck and Happy New year!
I just went through this with my younger sister. She had an appointment for IVF shortly after I found out. I knew it would hurt her but not telling her would have hurt her worse. She was so happy for me but I knew she was crying inside. She planned my gender reveal and everything… she found out she was pregnant shortly after and now our sweet boys are 12 weeks apart 
I would suggest you don’t repeat yourself about how it wasn’t planned, it was a surprise or that you “weren’t even trying”. Those words cut deep for someone that is trying so hard. Also, if she is a little distant at first don’t be surprised. Give your friend a little time to process 
Just be open and honest and tell her …asap…the way you would any other friend…
I think she will be happy for you … ya she will be alil sad inside it’s not her but true friend would be happy for u
Hum. Cancel the news years party stating in fears of covid then tell her in a few months.
As someone who has had multiple miscarriages, thank you so much for being concerned about her! I would tell her privately and then tell her that you know she’ll need time to process this news. Also, PLEASE consider making her the GodMom. My husband had a friend who their son is 3 months older than our 1st child would have been and he made us his God Parents, and honestly that helped to heal me.
She will be hurt over HER loss I’m sure, but will most likely be happy for you. I had a friend who lost a baby and she was still very excited for me when I got pregnant. Just talk to her
If I was her honestly I’d feel worse if you kept it from me.
You have two kids who I’m assuming she cares/adores/loves and she will love this one too. I was told at 16 I could never have kids an I thought I was fine with it til few weeks later a friend was screaming thrilled she was pregnant and I realized it mattered to me. I was quiet for awhile, avoided her on ultrasound days and extra bad craving days, didn’t touch her belly. I told her after a few months why and she was supportive and understanding. When she had the baby she asked me if I wanted to see/hold the baby. Took me a bit still, and of course I was happy for her from the start just realizing I couldn’t experience it is what bummed me out. But I ended up loving her kid like my own! I still had my baby fix!! And at 20 unable to have kids but using protection anyway I got my surprise! She was so excited for me because I was too afraid to lose it! So I’m sure just talkingbto your friend, giving her time she Weill still be very happy for you!
From someone that has been on the issue side of this. She will be happy for you, she will also be hurting at the same time. Don’t say you’re sorry because honestly that just makes it worse. Just tell her than follow her lead. If she wants to discuss it cool if not then let it go for that moment in time. It’s hard for someone who hasn’t suffered the loss to fully understand what the other person is going thru. A lot is a mental battle that we hold in so we don’t disrupt the world around us.
As someone who is currently in the fertility battle, the sooner you tell her the better so she has time to work through her feelings. We don’t want to be sheltered.
You’re not drinking because you’re designated driver.
Perhaps she’ll be pregnant by the time you start showing.
If she’s really your friend, she will be happy for you! I recently struggled with getting pregnant (had 7 miscarriages, one of which was twins) and when I told my “best friend” how we were pregnant with twins, she was so upset she didn’t even want to talk to me. Knowing I had struggled for YEARS (9 to be exact) and she was there through every single one but she couldn’t be happy I was finally pregnant. Then 14 weeks later we lost our twins and she finally decided to message me tell me she was sorry because she had wished something similar to what had happened to us. Needless to say, we are not friends anymore. If she’s really your friend of course she will be upset a tiny bit about herself not getting pregnant, but she will be happy for you guys no matter what. Just be gentle when you tell her.
Mom of 4 i waited to tell everyone until after our first trimester.i have a friend who wanted a family really baddly shes in her 40s now.she approached my last pregnancy with a bit of jealousy and i think grief.she has never conceived my youngest child is a teenager now.god willing your baby will be here regardless of others feelings.if she is your friend she will be to.
Maybe do a surprise and ask her to be the godmother.
I love that you are taking your friends feelings into consideration through this surprise. Explain to her how you feel & maybe offer to include her in the whole process & make her the god mother. You have a kind heart & im sure she will be understanding
For Someone who has lost a baby and several miscarriages.
Thankyou for thinking of her.
Best thing you can do before the get together is invite her to lunch and then tell her and also consider how she feels and consider asking her to be Godmother.
And let her know how you feel. And give her time to think about it
You should be open, my SIL and brother were going through something similar when I got pregnant with my second. My SIL is my person (Grey’s fans understand) so telling her made me super nervous but she was happy for me…2 weeks later she called me and told me she was pregnant. Our boys are almost literally 2 weeks apart. 
Ty 4 being concerned for ur friends feelings…we always hear the negative
First of all, you are a wonderful friend to her! Maybe tell her at the beginning on New Years, it’s already a celebration so that will distract so it’s not all about your pregnancy. Anyone who experiences a loss will be hard for them to see others pregnant or with kids for awhile but she’s your friend so she can still be going through a loss and be happy for you at the same time.
You should see her alone, without kids or family around before then. Bring her a coffee or something, and express to her that you love her and need to tell her, but you don’t want to hurt her. Let her know that if she needs some space you understand, but you’re there to support if she needs it as well. Do not tell her in front of your families. You’re not giving her any space to have her feelings if you do
Just be honest with her make her the new baby’s godparent
Coming from someone who was in your friends shoes. In my opinion.
My best friend found out she was pregnant didn’t expect that! Baby was NOT planned at all! At the time I had been trying for about 8 months. I was so happy for her! But deep down I did have that jealousy but I was still so happy for her and was there for her every step of the way. She’s due at the end of January and I’m actually 13 weeks pregnant myself now! Her time will come with it’s her time! And if she’s a good friend she will be happy for you! I hope everything works out for you! Like I always say “if the ones around you can’t be happy for you and your life accomplishments they don’t deserve to celebrate those accomplishments with you” good luck momma and congratulations on your sweet baby!
I would tell her right away in my opinion. Like you said, she’s going to know by you not drinking on NYE, and I honestly think she’ll feel more uncomfortable if she thinks you’re keeping it from her even if it is solely because you’re looking out for her. You seem like a wonderful friend to be considering her feelings! Congratulations on the surprise baby. It all happens for a reason and at the right time. It will happen for your friend too!
Just tell her. She will be happy for you and sad for her.
Go over to her house and tell her today.
I think you should tell her now. Just the two of you. Don’t wait until everyone is around. You can cry together
Tell her in private, one on one, and tell her everything that you just told us.
Y’all weren’t trying, it just happened, you want to be happy about it, but you know she is struggling with fertility issues and don’t want her to be upset about it.
Encourage positive thoughts for her, remind her that her time is coming.
And if you’re as close to her as you say, after discussing with your husband of course, ask her to be the godmother…
First off, do not walk on eggshells because other people go through losses. They should be happy for you. Not disappointed. Sympathize with your friend but do not alter your happiness if she gets grouchy. Suggest therapy for her if so. Congrats for you though.
I’ve struggled with secondary infertility for 10 years. So many of my friends got pregnant easily and I was genuinely happy for them but sad for me.
What hurt me the most was when my close friend tried to protect my feelings about it by waiting to tell me. My advice would be to tell her in person somewhere and let her feel her feelings. Tell her you are so so lucky to have her in your life and invite her to be an important roll in this baby’s life .
If she’s struggling w infertility and loss, I’d also recommend she try steroid and intralipid therapy. It’s the only reason my little is here after having gone through fertility. Please feel free to msg me with any questions
I had something similar happen to me. I was surprised with baby #4. Which turned out to be a complete blessing! I had 3 daughters at the time ages 18, 15 and 10. I was in complete shock getting pregnant with baby #4!! Very scared. But it ended up being my boy!!! Hes now 1yr old. A friend of mine (best friend for about 20 yrs) had given birth to her first girl after 2 boys. She was sooooo happy. She ended up losing the baby after birth at 3 months old. Completely broke her! When I found out I was pregnant I was so scared n happy at the same time I wanted to tell my best friend but didn’t want to hurt her more than she already was. I wasn’t sure how she would take it. I ended up just making a fb post announcing my pregnancy. I figured if she wanted to talk about it she would contact me. N thats just what happened. She ended up calling me and we talked about it and I apologized to her. N she told me I had nothing to apologize for.
As a grandmother who struggled with infertility and went on to be adopted…I remember the longing and grief. Often, I wondered, why, but never was I angry or unhappy for anyone…I rather think or pray that I was a support always even to the overwhelmed newly expectant.
My instinct would be to share a private confiding moment with sensitivity and care…If I had any Mama envy it was always with a twinge of remorse and grief until we found our path forward to becoming a family. God Bless and Godspeed.
What a lovely friend u r to your friends situation I’m sure having a friend as thoughtful as you are she will understand if you sit her down and tell her privately and she will generally be happy for you, from going through 2 failed ivfs it’s not that we don’t want are friends to be pregnant we just want our turn to be pregnant your life doesn’t stop because ares did for a while, all our time does come!
Don’t do what my ex best friends done lie about telling me make up this big bullshit story and then set up a joint pregnancy photoshot while I had just had a miscarriage that was horrendous 
Best of luck and congratulations 
I would not say anything for the first trimester if possible. As for NYE get a bottle of whatever you normally would drink and refill the bottle with a non-alcoholic drink that looks the same. No one will know you are not drinking.
I had the same problem with my sister. She tried for years and has several miscarriages. She watched me and my other sister have healthy happy babies and it killed her so I told her first. We planned a surprise for the rest of the family but I wanted to make sure she had time to process before… God is so good. I just had a feeling so I gave her an extra test just to see. Our babies are a week apart!!! Dont stress 
Be open tell her in private, because friends tell friends the truth. If she hears it from someone else it will hurt her. Tell her before the party, for sure.
Don’t drop it on her on NYE. Tell her before so she can process it.
As someone who struggled for a long while to get pregnant then had
2 losses, I suggest telling her prior to the party and don’t mention the not trying part. Something along the lines of “I love you and don’t want to hurt you but need to tell you something that’s difficult.” Give her space and time to process it and let her reach back out to you. She’ll be sad and maybe angry for a bit (not at you but the situation) but a true friend will support you.
My best friend has struggled so much with getting pregnant. When #2 shocked us I went to her and sat her down by herself and told her. I let her know it was not planned and if she needed space I understood. She was sweet about it and understood and thanked me for not saying anything to her in front of people. She was sad and I could tell a bit jealous but after a few days to process she was talking again. She fully embraces being auntie and loves my girls. So sit your bestie down and do the same. Not around family or people but alone one on one. Good luck and congratulations!
I suggest telling her in private before NYE and not mention the “not trying” and it being “a complete surprise” I’m sure you already know for someone struggling with infertility they do not want to be reminded how easy it is for you. I’m sure she will be happy for you as well as sad for herself. Best wishes
Tell her ahead of time so she has a chance to process
Be honest with her. And tell her you most definitely care about her feelings but she’s your friend and you want her in this babies life just like she is with her kids.
Then ask her how you can help her feel more comfortable. She may be totally fine or just need a few days. But honesty is definitely the best way to be. And give her the space or time she needs if she asks.
I would for sure tell her! I would try to tell her before her party so that she knows why you aren’t drinking. I think you hiding it from her will hurt her more than her finding out you’re pregnant from you before everyone else. Just be like “I have a big surprise, it was a surprise for all of us!!! I just found out that I am pregnant and we are super super shocked but excited!”
Better being told ASAP… I wouldn’t hold back telling her as that might come across even worse and that you were avoiding telling her
Tell her in private. I struggled for years (18 years) with infertility and losses. It always pissed me off and hurt me when family or friends didn’t just tell me right away.
Tell her in private before the party… not the day of the party but time for her to process everything and even then she may (probably will) still have feelings about everything. She’ll be happy for you but will probably be angry/sad about it too.
You are truly an amazing friend congratulations to you and your family. Understandably your friend will be hurt but hopefully once the shock of it where is off she will be there for you guys, just allow her to space she needs. I think sooner better than later you should tell her, she may feel that you were keeping secrets from her. Maybe tell her before New Year’s so it doesn’t put a damper on the whole night give her time to soak it all in. Good luck and again congratulations.
Tell her today, that then gives her the option to cancel NYE celebrations with you - if she does; that tells you all you need to know
This is a hard one….I’m conflicted. Given that it’s such a recent loss. She will be simultaneously happy for you but so deeply sad for her loss. If it was 6 months ago-I’d say be honest. It’s only 6 weeks. This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’ll probably get trolled. I’d say to not tell her till after new year’s. Let her have her party. You could say you’re on antibiotics for something and can’t drink…or you could turn up with a wine bottle with apple juice. After new year’s you could say you’d found out (that said…how many people know?). She’s going to be really sad either way. Congratulations on the surprise addition!! Hard one
Not sure if this a option but since you have a boy and a girl and she is only 1 and your dear friend is suffering from infertility issues why not see if she wants to raise baby as her own not sure if this is option and really hope I don’t get attacked but just curious if maybe you considered this option
I wouldn’t tell her before the party or during. I’d tell her you’ve got heartburn or ate something that’s got your tummy feeling funky. Don’t go the full on sick route so that when you smiling she’s not wondering. Enjoy the NYE and talk to her in private after.
Just tell her. She’s not a real friend if she isn’t happy for you
Maybe just don’t announce it yet to everyone because if word gets back to her she’s gonna be really mad that you didn’t tell her as for New Year’s I would just be like I’m feeling really sick today I don’t know what’s up and kind of hinted that you might be pregnant and be like ha ha maybe I’m pregnant but don’t actually say you are. Totally get why you don’t wanna tell her yet
She will be more madder if you don’t tell her
I had a similar situation when I found out I was pregnant and didn’t tell my friend right away as I was scared but she kind knew from a few tells I didn’t think I was showing her. Once we sat down and talked privately and we both cried and ate our weight in chocolate I realised even tho she was sad and I was for her that she was genuinely happy for me. She was one of the first people I saw once I had my son and she couldn’t have been happier for me. Just talk to her and tell her how your feeling that your dad for her and that you didn’t want to upset her but if she’s a good as a friend you said she will be ok even if it will take a little while. Congratulations to you.
My friend just lost her baby within the third trimester. I was scared to continue posting about my baby but she has been very supportive to the point she gave me the baby things she was stocking up on. I say just tell her. Ask her in private if she needs you to block her from the updates or if she wants to be involved and about them.
My cousin had her baby almost after I lost mine and me seeing her updates actually helped my healing process.
I wish you luck!
You are such a good friend. Just be honest with her.
I bet if you tell her in the same way you told us that she would handle it better. Quietly between the two of you, not at a party. Tell her how much you love her and how you hope this doesn’t bring up sad feelings in her loss. If she loves you half as much as you seem to love her, it will probably go much better than you think.
I would start by acknowledging and validating the pain that she’s been through and letting her know that you hurt with her and for her. Empathize with her. Then I would let her know that hey, I want to tell you something and I know this is hard to hear because of what you have been through and I don’t want to take from your pain but I am pregnant. Then let her know that you love her and support her and that although you are happy about your child, you understand if she can’t share in that emotion with you right now. Then I would offer her some guilt free space from you if that’s what she needs to take some time to process her emotions over it. Anything said with love and support is a successful conversation. You can’t control her emotions or reactions all you can do is be considerate of her feelings as you share your news, give her her space and bf there for her. On the other hand make sure that while you are being a good friend that at some point that is reciprocated and that she comes around to share in your joy.
I wait until after the first trimester to tell people. I would not tell someone who’s hurting for a baby at or before a get together, party or anything festive where she feels she’ll have to put on a brave face and hold back emotions or let her emotions spill out.
I just had this happen. I had a miscarriage and my best friend had a successful ivf at the same time! I deffinitly didnt want her to keep it from me!i wanted her to have someone to talk to cuz its her first and they had a hard road to get there. i say tell her!
I think she will be sad when you tell her but happy for you I’m sure. She may be distant which again you are aware of. If you aren’t opposed to it, maybe try to make it special for her too. Maybe just involving her more and telling her how important she is to you and this new baby. She seems like she cares a lot about you. You could even incorporate her opinions on names, gender guesses, shopping, etc. Just let her know you aren’t forgetting she’s grieving as well. You’re being very sensible. I don’t believe there will be a way to make it easy for her. Just tell her before the party maybe not day of though. Good luck.
I miscarried the week my niece was born. I had a successful pregnancy 2 years later. It was so hard to be joyous for the birth of my precious niece, but I knew I’d get a turn.
Tell her now. Don’t let it wait until she asks an innocent question in the middle of a party you’ve known about. Get lunch or coffee or something with her and tell her that you have news that is happy but that you understand it may cause her to hurt. If she distances herself from you it’s because she may need to in an effort to NOT bring negativity into your positive situation. Just let her deal however she needs to. Make it clear that your relationship requires open and honest communication with each other so that you’re always on the same page. BUT if she is open with you and expresses that she just can’t share in your joy right away, don’t hold it against her. Of course, she still needs to be a supportive friend to you simultaneously so communicate to her how you need her to do that. If she is incapable, then the friendship either needs to end or pause. You need to be affording her the same courtesy during her difficult patch as well though. Her grieving process is WAY more complicated and unpredictable than the celebratory one you’re experiencing.
I’m the friend who struggles with pregnancy amongst my friends, it seems like everyone is able to have a baby. It does hurt, but not enough for me to not be happy for my loved ones who are expecting!! Tell her, she will be excited for you
My sister told me about my nephew this way. She was afraid that I would be sad too. I was her biggest supporter (still am) and I was grateful she considered my feelings! Just be honest and do it with her alone. It will work out!
My sister told me about my nephew this way. She was afraid that I would be sad too. I was her biggest supporter (still am) and I was grateful she considered my feelings! Just be honest and do it with her alone. It will work out!
It depends if other people besides her know that are coming to the party, you don’t want her to hear it from someone else.
Maybe ask her if she can come earlier and the two of you can talk together before anyone gets there.
My best friend is pregnant ( after having two previous miscarriages) I lost a baby last year and when she told me, I was ecstatic and a little sad. My friends happiness is important to me so I’m happy for her but also be prepared for her to admit to you that she’s a little jealous (a completely normal human response) but if you tell her before the party she’s not gonna hear it from anyone else and then she can decide if she still wants to go or if she needs some time rather than you trying to hide it all night and stressing about it.
You’re a very good friend first off. I would just tell her, explain how you feel for her situation etc.
listen to her about her loss. Be there for her whenever she needs it. But if she does ask you why you are not drinking at NYE., pull her aside & explain quietly the reason & see how it goes from there
Approach it as you would any other baby announcement you made. Do it on New Year’s Eve so she knows why you’re not drinking. Once you see her reaction you can go from there.
She is your friend. She will be happy for you,but tell her now.
Tell her now not in the party
Tell her before the gathering.
As a mama to twin angel babies after struggling with fertility, THANK YOU! Thank you for being the amazing friend thinking of her, seeing all of her struggles and not wanting any more burden on her. Will she hurt and yearn for her own child, absolutely!!! But, if she loves you the way you love her, she will be happy for you and support you during your pregnancy. I’d ask her to lunch or meet with her one on one before her gathering and speak to her from your heart. Let her know that you are thinking of her and her feelings and let her know you love her and support her through her journey
I would tell her before New Years so it isn’t a shock in front of everyone. Gives her time to process.
Imo I would ask her to dinner or coffee and tell her the news just the 2 of you before the party cause like you said she will question why you ain’t drinking. Give her time to process the news as she is still hurting from the miscarriage.
you can’t hide this from her. That will hurt her for sure. You have to tell her pretty quick before someone else does.
Nice to consider your friends feelings.
If other people are going to know…you must tell her. Yes she’ll be sad but happy for you …she’ll be so hurt if others know and she doesn’t…someone is bound to let it out …just grab her for a quiet coffee at your home and tell her
Congratulations 
Ugh, I know this feeling. I was trying for baby #2 for years and everyone around me was pregnant and had not planned it. And, by everyone, I mean everyone. Both of my sisters, my best friend, 2 other very close friends and there were more. It was like a baby boom lol. I was happy for them but I did break down a little and cry. And then, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!! Tell your friend not to give up!
I was in your exact situation except my friend gave birth to her sleeping baby at 9 months. When I found out I was pregnant shortly after I was afraid to tell her for the same reasons. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. And I was worried about all the things you’re worried about. One night we all got together (a group of us friends) and I felt it was a good time to tell her so we could all be there for her if she was upset. She was actually very happy for me. And couldn’t believe that I was afraid to tell her. She said that yes it makes her a little sad but she’s so happy for me. Not long after she got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy.
Tell her nanana boo boo stick your head in doo doo
Awww totally understand…you seem to be a very caring person…which for good people it’s very hard on them…but honesty is always the best… I would tell her privately now and let her decide about New Years… she may be hurt but still want your support!!!
Been in that situation. 3 pregnancies back to back almost and she had been trying for so long. Just explain your feelings it helps. It helped her to know that I was being considerate of her feelings. Especially since all 3 were accidents.
Just tell her, make it as gentle as possible but be open and honest with her.
And congratulations on your new addition, even though unplanned.
Tell her asap and basically repeat this post and all it’s sentiments.
Tell her that you’re not feeling well at the party so you can’t drink. Wait till y’all are alone a few days afterwards and tell her in conversation
This happened to me over 35 yrs ago my friend lost her baby I found I was pregnant for the 3 rD time didn’t no what to do told her in the end I was 3 months pregnant .she was happy for me and then b4 I had son she fell pregnant this time with twin boys who were fine .which was wonderfull xx
You could tell her your the designated driver
I like the private lunch idea as well.