My son is seven years old. My husband has been involved and his father since he was eight months old. My husband is all my son has ever known as his father. My husband and I also have a toddler we share together. My son doesn’t know that my husband is not his bio-dad; for a couple of days, I’ve been struggling, thinking it’s time to tell him. He realizes the different last names and is extremely smart. His bio dad has not seen him since he was a year old. He claims he wants to be around but in 7 years has made NO attempt, no anything. I’m struggling with how to tell him when the right time is? I feel in my heart I should give my son a chance to know his bio-dad if my son wants to, but is this the right age to give him a choice? Please help mommas.
idk … the different last names could be a big enough hint. since 8 months old? blood doesn’t make a family. love does. sometimes, ignorance is bliss. … have you spoken to the bio dad to see if he will even get to know him, if the boy wants to?
I would think at 7 he would not be emotionally ready to handle of whats to come after u tell him. In the end only u will know whats right to do for ur family. Whther to tell him now or when be is older
If I were in your shoes i wouldnt even tell him till i know for sure his real dad wants to be in his life. Why do that to him… maybe when he starts asking more questions.
7 in my opinion is to young to be emotionally ready to handle that. It could def do more harm then good.
Wait for him to ask you.
Just coming out and saying so yourself could create internal feelings hes not ready for. And he is only 7. May be smart as a whip but some things just arent meant for smaller childrens minds. Wait til he asks you. And then be nothing short of honest with him.
I told my son when he was 10
children should be told as soon as possible
At 7 is a great time to open the conversation, if you don’t a peer might (re: different last names). Additionally, you shouldn’t offer for him to know bio dad when it 's not really an option (7 years is a long time). I say be nonchalant about it…if you have a pic of bio dad maybe show him and tell his. As said well above…love makes a family, not biology.
He needs to know the truth.
You think at 7, he is ready for rejection of his bio? You just stated that his bio has had the opportunity but declined to be in his life…now, you want to subject a 7 year old to rejection?
Honestly unless he ask u I wouldnt worrie about it until his around 13 or the fater tryd to actually b there other than that ur husband is his dad theres nothing to it but if u do tell him anytime soon I would make sure it’s all of u and answer any questions he had n make them age appropriate n just make sure he still knows his loved and nothing will change with the relationship and bond he has already made with ur husband the older he gets he will ask more questions and just be as honest as u can and have him understand during that age range for.him
His birth father wants nothing to do with him so why bother? He has a father
Don’t bring it up! Believe me I have been there… rejection would hurt your son… wait until he is older or talks to your first
I agree unless bio dad is poking around again no need for rejection
He’s just a baby. There’s no need to bring it up. You’re the one who feels bad, he doesn’t. Let him mature and ask you when he’s ready.
He should find out from you before he hears it from someone else
Change your sons last name! I wouldnt give someone the chance to meet my child if it’s been 7 years and he made no attempts. His dad is your husband you should also discuss this with your husband hes the one who has raised him he should also have a choice in this matter!
ASAP. Like when he can talk. The earlier you explain to kids the sooner they will know because they have the right to know. Then you can answer questions along the way. So when they are older you don’t have to worry about them “finding out” and hating everyone. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to wait until they ask because wtf will ask if someone they think is their bio is their bio dad. Your son will def not love him any less. As long as your husband continue to build that father and son relationship.
Change his last name have your husband addop him. After all HE IS THE FATHER.
Wait!!! Yes it is killing you but at the same time imagine what it will do to a 7yr old… I was in your situation and we waited until my son was 13 before we said anything. Still had some issues with rejection but by 13 he had all those years of memories with Dad and made it easier for him to accept that his sperm donor didnt care… All kids will react differently, not one will have the same feelings or maturity about it no matter how old they get. Seriously wait until they ask, at that point they have thought about it and they want to know. Otherwise wait till he can understand it better… Wish you the best with this, it’s hard as hell!!! Koodoos to your husband btw for stepping up, not many out there like that!!
Same position, my child is 8 now and he knew when he’s younger. He found out from my mom. I told him that not because his father and I are not together doesn’t mean we don’t love him. Also, I taught him not because his father doesn’t see him means he is rejected by his bio. Tell him the truth and let him decide how he feels about his bio.
I wouldn’t tell him period especially at that young i still remember the exact day that my mother told me that she and my dad were not actually my parents i was 6 almost seven it destroyed my world and left me with a lot of questions of why my parents didn’t want me honestly if the dad isnt goimg to be in the picture just leave it be
My step father, who I hated after what he did to my mom, told me when I was 18 a family secret. It completely ruined me. He was only getting back at my mom for leaving him. I always knew I was adopted but there was way more behind my adoption. The sooner you tell him the sooner the healing can start. You tell him first before it comes from someone else. If he knows him as Dad, it probably won’t matter to him
I would tell him. I was lied to til I was 18 and found the adoption papers. I always knew in my heart that my dad wasnt my bio dad, first realization was at 4or5
Ask him why he thinks his last name is different… Get an idea of what is running around in his head.
Mine is only 2 and I’m already thinking of how to explain this situation. And the best I’ve come up with so far is to tell him that some people are made to be parents and some people are only to make babies. How cool is it that you get to tell him how his Daddy (not sperm donor) is his Daddy because he thinks your son is amazing and wanted to spend the rest of his life being a part of his.
My mom didn’t tell me until I asked about it. It actually messed me up for awhile and I was older then 7. Her husband, my dad (because that’s what he is) adopted me when I was 3. I would wait.
Similar situation my daughters 8 but met my hubs when she was 6 mo old. But im not going to tell her anytime soon, shes not missing anything. Its only a big deal if u make into one. My husband is her dad. Period.
Wait till 12 when he can understand that it isn’t his fault his dad didnt come around
Omg are you serious? Tell that boy who his real father is. How horrid of you to have kept this from him!
He should tell him and also stress that blood doesn’t matter. Explain he may not technically be his dad but he’s the dad that stepped up. I’m sure he will be fine.
I’d tell him. It’s best he hears it from you and knows you’re being honest. I think both you and your husband should sit down with him and talk to him about it. Reassure him that no matter what your husband will always be there and if he wants to meet his dad you guys will support him in his decision.
A bio father is just a bio father. I’ve been in this exact situation with my daughter. She’s super smart and started asking questions at around the same age as your son now. She’s almost 16 now and her bio father passed away a few years ago. He was in and out of her life and that situation in itself caused her trauma. The inconsistency for a young child affects their mental health. Now as a young lady she still has lots of questions of which I cannot answer. Her Dad, (the man I have been with for 15 years) treats her like she’s his own and she calls him daddy. They have a great relationship and strong bond. I regret the decision to tell her at a young age. Please think of your child’s mental health before you start that journey.
The sooner the better. It’s his truth, not anyone else’s.
I would answer questions he asks. Dont give more info. Let him ask specific questions as he figures stuff out. Once he does on his own let him know you support him having a relationship with his bio dad when and if chooses
Your husband should adopt him , being the bio hasn’t had any contact all this time also if he ask don’t lie to him explain it in away he understands but be ready for hurt,anger, alone with possible back lash from him for it’s a lot for a child to take in and you may want to talk with his pediatrician for they can help guide you on the right way for my daughter had a really big break down specially after her bio father and his family rejected even meeting her plus she really turned against the father that’s always been there for her and it hurt him really bad to hear her say you’re not my dad and you gave no say in my life , so before you open that can make sure you’re ready for the back lash for if the bio does agree to see him be ready for the blame to be put on you to the point your child will be told you took them away and they could never find her and try to convince your child that they tried to find him for years . It was a can I wished I never opened.
The next time he asks why his name is different just tell him he had two dads. One who helped create him and one who is here to love him and be his dad x don’t make a huge deal out of it so he doesn’t feel a big change x
My daughter is 3 and she knows her 11 year sister has 2 daddies… Kids are smart start by asking him questions and get a feel of him…
I had the same situation my husband raised my son from the age 1 on he always called him and still does dad it’s the only dad he has ever known we never had to tell him he put two and two together his real father was abusive and totally walked away from him once we broke up so my son never wanted to get to know him or have anything to do with him…
When he asks is the time to tell him. Don’t bother confuse him by taking the time to tell him now. He is loved by his real dad, and that is all that should matter. Also you should be asking advice from your hubbs, he has to answer most of those questions too.
I talked with my son when he was 9. Same scenario. I wasnt ever going to tell him bit my mother helped me decide to given he had a brother and cousins who knew and God forbid how he would have felt finding out theu conversation with one of them. Not that it would have been malicious but the darndest thing could be said from a family member at any time. He was ok with it. Is 24 now still has never met his real dad and has no intetest. He has a good relationship with the nan who stepped up as a father figure for him 23 years ago. I would be honest
I would have told him when he was 3 and could understand what you’re telling him. Be sure he knows it makes no difference and his “dad” still loves him just the same. You can tell him about his bio dad and tell him it has been his choice not to see him, so he doesn’t blame you for keeping them apart. At 7 he should get this.
You should have been telling him from the time he understood words. Age appropriately. Your husband should have been saying things like “You are my special present…I didnt make you but I am lucky to be your daddy” (for example) kids are very accepting and resilient. You have missed that window of opportunity so if I were you I would get onto it asap. But dont make it a stressful or sad conversation…be honest and make the boy feel very special.
Know that one day he will want to know more and possibly want to meet his sperm donor, and you need to allow that to happen with support and love.
Don’t tell him that’s not his dad.Blood doesn’t make you father being there does
I would tell him as soon as possible. The damage it can do later if they find out from someone else or on there own can be detrimental. I say this from personal experience. Be prepared for lots of questions and also maybe look for a counselor you all can go to just in case it’s needed.
Why do you complicate the lives of these little ones. Please get help, to start with your son should have been told and should be told about his real father whether he chooses to be part of his life or not. You made a first mistake but you were blessed with a great one after. Tell your son in an age appropriate way before someone else finds it in their places to let him know. The moment to talk to him about it was when he started noticing the difference in the last names. You have nothing to be ashamed of but you need to tell him the truth and if you do it correctly it will in no way damage your child. Please seek a therapist of you need to.
I personally think you should have told him a long time ago. I was not told until I was 11 and it messed up my whole world.
I know this is not what you intend for your child but tell him asap. Don’t wait. I’ve raised my great nephew since he was 9 months old and he has always known he has 2 mommy’s and 2 daddy’s.
He is 9 now and I answer questions as he asks them (in a way that is appropriate for his age). I never wanted him to be blindsided like I was.
I come from the same background and from my point of view tell him. I wasn’t told, I found out later in life and felt betrayed. BUT I love the man who stepped in to be my Dad more than ever.
Been there, tell him now before someone else does.
As a child from the same situation. My mom got married before I turned 2. My mom wanted my dad to adopt me. He said when she asked to have her names changed. I was in kindergarten when I found out because of different last name. My mom and dad set me down and told me. At age 9 my dad adopted me. My bio father was never around. He denied me at birth in court. He never paid support. I had maybe seen him once in the nine years only because his mom had him get me for Easter. When we went for adoption. He tried to say we moved away that is why he couldn’t see me. We came to our hometown every weekend. He never tried to see me. I was adopted because he either had to pay 9 years back support or sign the papers. My advice is both of you sit down with him and talk. Both answer questions he has. Have your husband let him know he will always be his dad. Give him his options. That your husband can adopt him and his name would change to yours. If your husband was ok with that. He could have contact with bio dad if that is a option. Your son shouldn’t have to make an effort to see his bio father. That is the father’s job.
Tell him soon!! Trust me!! My oldest son never knew my bf wasn’t his dad , then when we split one of his new girlfriends told him and he was so angry at me!! It makes me sad to think about it bc all I ever tried to do was protect him and it ended up hurting him more!! Huge regret in my life!! I later learned that I should have told him between the age of 7 and 9 bc he would of understood , I wish you the best of luck and if you ever want to talk about this , please feel free to msg me!!
I do not have children but I was that child so I speak from experience…Please tell him now…You don’t want him to find out on his own and come to you with the questions like I did…I wish I was told in a way that my mom sat down with me and had a conversation. Do it now please don’t wait…
I’m a single mother, but as soon as my son started asking questions about his biological father is when I explained everything. I’d rather him know that I’ll answer his questions than him asking someone else. And I also explained that even if he doesn’t understand everything completely or doesn’t understand why something is the way it is, we can always talk about things more when he’s older and maybe it’ll make sense more.
Don’t wait! I waited with my son and his bio dad ended up passing and that’s how he ended up finding out his Dad wasn’t his bio dad. We thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it but I regret not telling him from the beginning because it has messed him up especially since he will never be able to meet his bio dad now.
He actually did meet him several times he just doesn’t remember or realize since he was young and because he didn’t know who it really was.
Sometimes the truth hurts mama. Tell him the truth, in front of your husband and go from there. Remember to remind him of how much he is loved by ALL OF YOU and be prepared to wipe some tears from EVERYONE’S face. I wish u all the best
I’d tell him explain…I was adopted I’ve always known I knew when I started school I’m must’ve been around 4/5 when my parents told me …it never had any bad effect on me …he’s your child you know him best it’s your decision
I wouldn’t tell him now, he’s to young. He may be smart but he will have problems with how to deal with it. Bringing on questions about his bio dad. Why dont he love me, why dont he want to see me, and so forth. It will hurt you more answering those questions, especially now since he has a little sister that is his dads. If his bio dad dont have nothing to do with him have him sign over his rights and have your husband adopt him. That way you all have the same last name, and you can tell him at a later time, like high school, or if he dont ask at all unless there are medical issues he’s got from his bio dad side.
A child that age is not emotionally mature enough to understand the feelings that would create, it would create issues with the man he knows as his father, wait until he is older and knows more positive ways to deal with the emotional roller-coaster it may cause and so he will understand blood doesn’t a man a father the unconditional love and support makes him a father.
A father is not only blood it ia the man that takes care of you an love you could let him know his dad he will deside.
Since his bio-dad had not reached out to claim any interest I feel it would do more damage to the child if he knew his bio dad didn’t wish to know him yet. That would be so hurtful, I would wait and see if bio dad changed his mind. Check with a professional about protecting your child’s feelings…This is a very important decision. good luck. NOT NOW. He now has a father who loves him dearly, it is enough.
I would be honest with him and tell him the truth now because he will feel betrayed if you wait too long… just make sure to explain that there is no difference in the love between him and his brother and that your husband loves them both equally… but this is your decision and only you know your child and what you think he can handle.
Do it now. Just do it. It needs to not be a secret, just a truth.
My thought…if he asks then say calmly dad is dad. He is the one who did all the dad work. There is a man who is his biological father who made the choice to not be around. Dad picked him to be his son. Don’t feel bad or guilty…if you act like it’s a traumatic thing he will perceive it that way. There are so many blended families and families made of all sorts, that it isn’t the taboo thing it was when we were kids.
For the love of God. RIGHT NOW!! My husband found out at the age of 60 that the man that raised him wasn’t his father and only thru and a DNA test. His mother knew the truth all his life and didn’t say a word. I can’t tell you how much damage that has done. These days you can’t keep something like that a secret indefinitely. Besides that we ALL have the right to know our heritage, from the very beginning.
He needs to know NOW
Why not start the process of adoption and tell your son then, once everything is official. Then you all can have the same names, you can explain to your son why his name was changed and that he’s named after his REAL dad not his biological father.
A father is not a bio. It’s the one who is there for him every day.
You tell him age appropriate facts. He is young and doesn’t need to be confused. But if bio dad doesn’t want to be in the picture maybe your husband could think about adopting him if bio will sign off on it. But for now…unless he asks specific questions I would supply too many facts.
I waited till my son was 10 not saying you should but I waited for him to come to me with questions! They definitely will ask!
I think he’s too young. Wait for him to inquire about the different last names and then take it from there. Don’t stress too much about it. I hope God ours the right words in the right moment for you and your son.
Why not do an adoption because your husband is his father already and maybe he is going to be offended if you tell your son that he is not his father.
Shit thats the daddy he been there since yo son was months
Talk to him now! A last name isnt what makes a parent/ child family. Husband is dad and biological gave child life and thats why they dont share last name. I dont recommend refer child as “stepchild” “1/2 siblings”. Just label everyone as family.
I’d rather tell him now and be honest with him, than wait until he’s a teenager and much more likely to resent you for lying.
Get in touch with his biological father after of course speaking with your husband about it… and tell your child the truth… it’s better now than in 10 years.
I think it depends on how worthy the biological father is, I found out when I was 7! I asked my mother if I was adopted, I had blonde hair and blue eyes and my parents and the rest of the family had brown hair and eyes, my mum then told me… growing up I imagined what he’d be like, but in reality he couldn’t care about me after I met him, it’s left me scarred and I wish I never found out. My step dad brought me up from being 3 months old and I love him to bits
Wait until he asks then explain
You tell him when he asks. Simple.
Why tell him so young, why tell him at all!? I would wait until he’s an adult if telling him at all, tell him now your going to break lots of hearts most of all your sons😥of course if he’s asking questions find a way to let him down gently
The issue isn’t your son but the dad
The sooner the better. Age appropriate books may be able to help. The longer you wait the more likely it may no got well. In 7 years, no attempt… I’d ask him to sign over his rights and then your husband can legally adopt him.
I was adopted at 18 months old when I discovered my daddy was not my bio Daddy I went into a total world of confusion many years
I think the answer will come to you when the time is right. And it will be one day or happen on its own. If you can decide then don’t. Let it do its own thing.
I’m in the same boat and I don’t plan on telling him…my SO raised my son and so that to me is a father…if anything I feel like it will just cause your son confusion and anger possibly…
I went through this same exact thing. Although my son did know my husband wasn’t his real dad. But like you said when his younger brother and sister came along he wanted to know why everyone had a different last name. We explained everything more and asked him if he would like my husband to adopt him. We made a big ceremony of it and family and friends came and he was so happy. My son was 3 when I met my husband and my son is now almost 27. He says my husband is his father and that’s all that matters. And my son has a son and his real dad has never met him. He says my husband is the only grandfather he needs to know.
Personally I’d judge on your sons level of maturity. If you think he’s old enough to understand then by all means let him know. But my son’s father and I have not been together since he was really little but at the same time his dad is hit and miss in his life. I dont like seeing him hurt when his dad doesn’t show up but he loves him. Sucks that the love isnt returned all the way but he does deserve at some point to know and see his bio dad. But as far as your husband that’s still going to be his dad if hes been there this whole time
I was in the same situation, and my husband legally adopted my son and we changed his last name to ours. I am struggling with the right time as well, he is only 5, and I want him to be emotionally mature enough to understand, but not too old where he felt like we were keeping a secret. Check your state laws- in Illinois if there is no contact from bio dad in 12 months, it is considered abandonment.
I would wait until he asks you about it.
Should never have been led to believe he was his dad to start with never get why people lie about these things
I wouldn’t tell him now. I would wait until he is ok’d enough to understand and process it correctly. I feel like If you did it now it would crush him or he wouldn’t understand.
And if his dad is actually going to TRY and be there for him then of course let him, unless he is a danger to you or your son. Maybe spend time together with him. Don’t just send him off with a man he has no memory of.
I’d wait until your son asks. He is old enough to where if he does know he will ask why
You should have done it already.
Id say get in with a therapist and go from there.
Wait till he asks or is old enough to understand if it doesn’t matter then dont
My son was 8 when we told him. He asked why he didn’t have his dads, sister and brothers last name… he wanted to change his name. So I decided it was time to tell him. He honestly took it really well, he wanted to reach out to bio but after two failed attempts he never asked about bio again. &we are working on changing his name.
You know your child better than anyone. You’ll know when the time is right.
I went through exactly what your son is going through. I realized I had a different last name when I was 5, and asked my parents why and my mom filled me in. It did not change how I felt about my moms husband…he was my dad then and always will be. I say go ahead, 7 is old enough. Good luck
Tell him when he asks
Wait until he asks- is my opinion. And then explain the situation of what happened between you and his dad. Answer all his questions, as I’m sure there will be plenty.
I legally adopted my son at 7 he was a yr n half old when i came in the picture when i filed to adopt him he was 7 they told me i have to tell him before adoption would go threw that i wasnt his mom so i did n i told him at 7 do he want me to stay his mom or see the mom he was born from he said me so we went to court she showed up lol n lost of course but i had to pay to strip her rigbts then move with the adoption process he is now 25 with 2 girls n even though me n his dad not together calls me mom n im active in my 2 granddaughters lives no regrets n my son knows that i adopted him